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(June 2006)

June 06, 2006
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It’s time for week 3 of the newest sensation on Tuesday nights!  Yes for the third Tuesday in a row, I have this itchy sensation and I don’t know what to do about it.  I think jerking off to Lita sends diseases through my television or something.  Actually it’s time once again for the still unnamed recap of ECW and I have decided to have a little contest.  Now this may just be a clever ploy to get a shitload of e-mail response to this column (which it is) but I know I am slowly building a loyal following here (my mom said she read it twice last week!) and wanted to ask my readers for some assistance.  Send me an e-mail with a suggestion for a name for this recap.  If I select yours, you will win fabulous prizes!* Oh and those who already sent me suggestions, you’re already in the running.
*If you consider getting your name mentioned on the site a fabulous prize that is.  If you do, come on man, have higher aspirations or something.  But seriously, I’m a starving artist here; you should be sending ME prizes!  Ok enough typing in italics…
I would just like to mention that once again ECW is sandwiched in between some of Sci Fi’s fine programming.  Before the show we have a cinema classic (released in 2005) called “Glass Trap” which is described as “weekend workers battle giant ants that have infested their office building”.  This movie features Martin Kove (better known as the sensei of the Cobra Kai in “Karate Kid”) and what I wouldn’t give to see him train the ants to say “Strike first, strike hard, no mercy sir!”  After the show we have “John Carpenter’s Body Bags” and really does that even need a description?
Show opens in Roanoke, Virginia with Sabu coming down to the ring in a match with Roadkill.  We’re not wasting any time.
The Homicidal, Suicidal, Genocidal, Death Defying (but not when on the receiving end of John Cena’s offense) Sabu vs. Roadkill (Let’s Raise an Arabian Barn Match)
This match started so fast I missed some of it.  Sabu went for a camel clutch early on but Roadkill broke it and Sabu delivers a nice bulldog.  Sabu gets a chair and sets it up but ends up getting a drop toe hold into it.  A Barnburner neckbreaker and an avalanche and as Roadkill goes for a table, Sabu sets up the chair and uses it to dive on Roadkill on the outside.  Back inside, Roadkill regains control and sets up Sabu on the table and hits him with a chair.  As Roadkill goes to the second rope, Sabu throws a chair at him, and then does a hurricanrana from the ropes.  A couple of chair shots and as Roadkill lies on the table, Sabu delivers a sweet Arabian Facebuster through the table.  Camel clutch attempt but Roadkill doesn’t tap so Sabu hits him with a chair a couple times then lays the chair on Roadkill’s back and applies it again to get the tap out.
Winner: Sabu
Commercial Comment: Raw is returning to MSG on September 11th.  I can’t think of a better way to acknowledge the five year anniversary of one of the worst events in American history than to have a series of fake fights.
Mordecai the Vampire is seen outside again and back in the arena Tommy Dreamer is in the ring.  He is impressed by what Big Show did last week and says “thank you sir, may I have another”.  Looks like Show just came from basic training, well his haircut anyway.  He certainly hasn’t lost any weight….EVER.  Show gives Tommy a series of headbutts and a chop in the corner.  Three bodyslams in a row (hmm what would you call that, Three Acquaintances?) then a sleeper hold into a backbreaker.  He tosses him across the ring and calls it a day.  Backstage, Kelly and Mike Knox (the guy who covered her up last week) are backstage.  He is showing his jealous side and they obviously are supposed to be a couple.  He asks her to come to the ring with her.
Commercial Comment: I think I’d consider canceling my Netflix subscription if aliens showed up at my door (even if the mailman is from Mexico).
Kurt Angle is backstage and if he wins his match against RVD tonight, he gets to wrestle for the WWE title at Saturday Night’s Main Event.  Umm, I guess against Mysterio s ince they already booked the other match.  He thinks he’s a failure ever since he lost the title at Wrestlemania.  Aww poor baby.  Mike Knox and Kelly come to the ring for the next match.
Mike Knox w/ Kelly vs. Danny Doring w/ only his right hand at night (DD On Both Sides Match)
Knox kicks Doring in the s tomach then after an irish whip gives a huge spine buster.  Kelly goes to a fan in the crowd and starts to strip until Knox comes over and pushes the fan away.  I’d like to mention it appeared the fan had a white dress shirt (sure sign of a plant) but it was green all over the top of it.  I haven’t read any spoilers, but that makes me think DX is on Smackdown this week and this guy got green stuff on him.  Doring tries to take advantage but can’t as Kelly walks off.  Knox nails a jumping kick to the face followed by some sort of facebuster and the pin.
Winner: Mike Knox
Kelly is up on the stage near the ramp as we go to commercial.
Promo for Test and a recap of what we just saw.  Now it’s time for Kelly’s Expose with Kelly.  Really I thought it would be with Juanita (and I wish it was whoever she is).  I can’t believe they are doing this shit again.  While I wait for this to end, did you know that an escalator can never be broken?  It can only become stairs.  When an escalator breaks, it should have a sign that says “Escalator temporarily stairs, sorry for the convenience”.  Now that my Mitch Hedberg tribute is over, Mike shows up with a towel again and did we see anything here we didn’t see last week?
A fat dude comes out wearing a bowtie and a robe that resembles Ric Flair’s attire.  Why I know this is beyond me, but I think this is the same guy who was the fat stripper on Raw last week.  Crowd starts chanting for Sandman and they get their wish.  Sandman comes to the ring and laughs.  He drinks a beer, the stripper music hits and the fat guy takes his pants off and DAMMIT MAN ASS!  You still want this job Cameron?  Styles has a great line and says “this guy’s favorite move is a small package”.  Sandman has enough and hits the fat dude in the nuts with the Singapore cane then hits him with it a few more times until he gets knocked out of the ring.  Umm, hey Sandman you ever gonna have a real match?
Rob Van Dam is shown backstage with Paul Heyman.  Paul reminds Rob about the triple threat match on SNME coming up in a couple weeks.  RVD says one of the funniest lines I may ever heard and tells Paul not to worry because (and I quote) “these past few days I’ve been smoking”.  Edge shows up in the arena with Lita.  They surprisingly don’t do the cliché “show up with tickets 10 minutes before the show ends” and just kick two fans out of their seats.  OK but how did you get into the arena?  I should do that; I’ll just pretend I sell cotton candy at the arena.
After a commercial, Tazz is with Edge.  He wants to know why Edge is here.  Edge says he does what he wants when the hell he wants.  He says he faces whoever wins this upcoming match and he’ll win because he is the whole f’in show.  Uhh yeah.  Angle’s music hits and he comes to the ring very serious.  RVD then follows with surprisingly still in possession of two belts.
Rob Van Dam (WWE and ECW Champion) vs. Kurt Angle (Bong Water vs. 2% Milk)
RVD chants early on as both guys exchange some punches.  RVD gives Angle a monkey flip then back on their feet, RVD gets a windmill kick, then goes to the top rope but Angle pushes him off.  And we go to commercial…
…and we’re back.  I’m like your Tivo where you can skip commercials.  Back live, Angle has a headlock on RVD.  And he still has a headlock.  And still…ok finally RVD gets to his feet and nails Angle with a jawbreaker.  After reversing an irish whip, Angle gets a belly to belly suplex.  Backbreaker and pin attempt but only a two count.  Angle has a quarter nelson (didn’t know there was such a thing) and Styles makes another great comment when he says to Tazz “I know you’re not used to working with guys who know amateur wrestling”.  You can say it Joey, Michael Cole sucks (literally and figuratively).  RVD gets up and af ter a missed move off the rope by Angle, Rob delivers a kick.  A couple of clotheslines and then Angle catches another kick and gives a nice high cradle suplex.  Angle Slam attempt but RVD turns it into a sunset flip and Angle tries for an ankle lock but RVD breaks it.  Angle gives a belly to back suplex and as he goes after RVD, Rob knocks him down with a crescent kick.  RVD goes to the top rope and goes for a flying kick but Angle counters into an ankle lock.  RVD gets to the ropes.  RVD gets control back and misses a rolling thunder and as Angle tries to gain control, RVD gets control and gives a split legged moonsault.  Two count and after RVD goes back to the top, Angle gets an Angle Slam from the top rope but only a two count.  Angle catches a kick from Rob who misses an enziguiri but still nails a kick.  Five Star Frog Splash and a pin for the victory.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
Edge applauds and starts to leave though as RVD celebrates his win. Edge then sneaks from behind and spears him.  Edge laughs as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment: Main event was excellent and I really enjoy Sabu’s matches.
Not So Extreme Moment: Well Kelly, you made it three weeks in a row!  Although this week you share the honor with MAN ASS!!!
Well at least we are getting some good wrestling on this show.  As always check out the rest of the hilarious columns on this site and I’ll see you next week.  Don’t forget to send in those suggestions because if you don’t I’ll show you MY ASS!


Welcome back to the Best Damn…..I mean the Lowdown….err the scientific recap of ECW?  Sure whatever.  Tonight’s show is actually live from Albany, NY (according to the reports I read) and for those of you geography nerds, that’s the state capital of New York!  And like many state capitals, it’s a pretty boring place unless you like to see where the governor lives.  Anyway, we got a tag match tonight with WWE’s Randy Orton and Edge taking on WWE’s, err I mean ECW’s RVD and Kurt Angle (can’t blame me for the confusion there).
Show opens with a goth looking woman dealing tarot cards and recapping Raw’s highlights featuring ECW “rebels” which is what they are being called instead of superstars.  The bodies hit the floor then as we go to the arena, the multiple adjective Sabu comes to ringside.  Tony Mamaluke comes down next with Trinity.
Sabu vs. Tony Mamaluke w/ Trinity (Fuhgeddaboutmewinningthismatch)
Sabu knocks down Mamaluke, and drops an elbow then a leg and attempts a pin for two.  Suplex by Tony, but Sabu gets up and regains control.  After a camel clutch by Sabu, Tony goes out and Sabu delivers a triple jump plancha outside.  He then sets up a table but Tony hits him from behind and throws him back in the ring and hits him with a chair.  Mamaluke goes to the top rope and Sabu throws the chair in his face in midair.  Sabu sets up Tony on the table, goes back inside and jumps on him which breaks the table.  Slingshot somersault leg drop inside then another camel clutch and Tony submits.
Winner: Sabu
Kelly is backstage and apparently she was so excited last week she couldn’t get her bra off.  She also is so generic and boring that she couldn’t get me off.
Commercial Comment: Nacho Libre translated to English means “Not Your Libre”.
Back to the show and RVD is wearing both his belts, of course one of which I am sure he won’t have after Sunday.  He talks about his match with Angle vs. Edge and Orton.  Umm the crowd seemed like they booed all of them.
Big Show’s music hits and the band that did his new entrance theme is in the front row.  Tommy Dreamer follows and has a microphone.  He says if Show wants to find out what ECW is all about he has to go through him and slaps him across the face.  Dreamer gets thrown out of the ring then thrown into the ring barrier.  Show picks him up and runs his back into the steel post.  Dreamer crawls back inside and Show follows him in.  Show continues to hit him with his FISTS (not fucking toaster ovens).  Show then picks him up and does a sort of back breaker while holding him in a move similar to the Tazzmission.  Tommy then gets thrown across the ring.  Show leaves and Tommy is smiling.
Commercial Comment: I swear it sounds like they’re saying big fucking chicken.  This makes sense because my brother says KFC stands for Krappy Fucking Chicken.
The vampire (who I heard is Mordecai) is shown outside the arena.  A masked wrestler comes out named Macho Libre and not only does he look like Nacho Libre he talks like Macho Man Randy Savage!  Now that’s a funny cross parody!  Not surprisingly he is interrupted by the Sandman.
Macho Libre vs. The Sandman (Squash Nachos? Ewww)
San dman beats the crap out of Macho with a cane followed by the White Russian Leg Sweep and the “steaming pile of sports entertainment” (according to Styles) is down for the count.
Winner: The Sandman
Heyman is talking to someone in the back and is informed that John Cena has arrived.  Cue collective eye rolling of the IWC!  Commercial or something…
Heyman is rallying the ECW crew when Cena with big black eye (or overdone makeup) walks in.  He gives credit to Sabu for his stunt on Raw last night and has an offer.  He wants to wrestle Sabu in an extreme lumberjack match at Vengeance.  Sabu has to be held back as Cena leaves.
Back in the arena, Kelly gets an introduction from the ring announcer.  She is introduced as a “vixen”.  This is referred to as Kelly’s Expose.  Do I really need to recap this?  After she gets her bra off, some guy (The Outlaw? That’s what it said on his tights) comes and covers her with a towel, actually he just covers her with a towel.  Some guy says “What are you doing? Let her finish!” (Cameron: “Let ME finish!”).
A promo video for Test is shown and apparently he is coming to ECW.  He failed already, no retakes (Cameron again, stop stealing my glory!).  Edge’s music hits and he comes to the ring with Lita.  On the mic, he says ECW and the fans suck.  After that lengthy thorough promo, Orton’s music hits.  Angle then RVD come to the ring.
Rob Van Dam (WWE and ECW Champion) and Kurt Angle vs. Edge and Randy Orton (Let’s Push ECW Stars Match)
Angle gets a double leg takedown on Edge and goes for a quick ankle lock but Edge gets out of it.  RVD tags in and Edge gets control, rams RVD into the turnbuckle and tags in Orton.  RVD gets Orton hung up on the ropes and kicks him off from the top rope.  Outside, RVD delivers a nice moonsault to Orton.  Back in, Orton is able to get a tag.  RVD kicks Edge from the top rope and then when he goes off the ropes Lita pulls them so Rob goes over and to the outside.
Commercial Comment: Chris Jericho joins ECW on Sci Fi!  Oh wait, that’s a play on words.  He’s just in some movie.
Orton does a patented chinlock then tags in Edge.  RVD is thrown to the outside.  Edge gives a double axe handle and continues to inflict damage outside.  Back inside, Edge goes for a cover but can’t get three.  Orton tags back in and a few punches then a dropkick.  Pin attempt but only two.  Edge tags back in and eats a kick.  Angle tags in and does the triple Germans.  Orton gets back in and gets caught in the ankle lock.  Edge tries to sneak a move from the top rope but Angle catches him and nails a belly to belly suplex and Angle Slam attempt but Orton sneaks up on Angle and does some damage on his knee and ankle.  Edge is back in and tosses Angle to the outside.  He rams him into the stairs and then throws him back inside.  Angle gets the rear naked choke (which is thankfully not literal) but Lita breaks it up.  Orton is back in and as Angle grabs his ankle, Edge gets the tag.  Edge takes a German suplex and Angle tags in RVD.  A windmill kick and a suicide dive over the top rope.  RVD grabs a chair and as he tries to go back in the ring, Orton grabs his leg and gets whacked with the chair (not like getting whacked on The Sopranos or whacking of f).  Back inside, Angle gets the ankle lock on Edge but Lita interferes and tries to take out Angle with the belt and takes a Angle Slam.  Orton sneaks up from behind and gives Angle an RKO.  RVD nails Orton with a top rope kick but as he goes for the Rolling Thunder, Edge blocked it in midair with a dropkick in a nice visual.  RVD blocks the spear attempt with the belt with an elbow then gets a 5 Star Frog Splash for the three count and win.
RVD and Angle celebrate as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment:  Macho Libre!  That was really funny.  Secondary goes to the main event and the Sabu match which both were entertaining.
Not So Extreme Moment:  For the second week in a row, it goes to Kelly.  This was the only thing in the show that completely reeked of Vince (who is reportedly still pissed off at Stephanie).
Well it was definitely better than last week which really doesn’t say much.  Reportedly, Vince let Paul Heyman have a little more control this time and well, it shows.  Hopefully if they do another Kelly segment next week it will be interrupted by Sandman.
Check out the rest of the site if you get a chance oh and just so you know, this is being posted on my 30th birthday.  I’m not expecting happy birthday wishes or anything; I’m just demanding money and/or sex with your sister (and if you have no sister, your mom will do….me that is!).


So I was going to make a big deal about this recap because it’s the debut of the new ECW on Sci Fi and all that, but then I found out Cena and Edge are going to be on the show so basically I feel like I’m covering a mini edition of Raw, just on another night.  Regardless, welcome to the recap of the premiere episode of ECW.  It’ll be lon g and sour, err I mean short and sweet at a mere hour long so let’s get to the extremities!  I mean, the extremeness!  Umm, let’s just start the damn show.
Show opens with highlights from last Sunday’s ECW: One Night Stand which of course shows all but the impact of the main moves.  That’s like getting a blowjob and she doesn’t finish, but she will if you give her 40 bucks.  Opening of the show of course features Drowning Pool’s “Bodies” which is pretty much the song that is identified the most with ECW.  It still sounds like he is saying “let the bodies hit the flow” which could really have a lot of meanings.  We are live from Trenton, New Jersey (which coincidentally will also be where Smackdown is this week).  Paul Heyman enters the arena to the more generic ECW theme and we are greeted by Joey Styles and Tazz, which I think is a great pairing.  I think I would pay money to see Joey Styles and Michael Cole in a match, ok maybe not a match but we all know Styles rules and Cole likes to be anally raped.
In the ring, Heyman introduces the NEW champion RVD.  He still has that awful spinner belt and good grief I hope he gets a new one unlike Edge which made it obvious he was a “transitional champion” by never switching belts.  I mean we all know RVD isn’t holding the title too long, but don’t make it too obvious.  Rob thanks the crowd and gets a mixed reaction from the ECW fans and the Cena marks.  He hopes Cena shows up tonight to help celebrate him being the new ECW champ.  Heyman happily presents him with a new ECW belt and RVD holds them on both shoulders.  He is honored but RVD wants to keep both belts and he shows that it spins (bet that’s a cool thing to watch when you’re high).  Edge’s music hits and Mr. Copeland enters the arena with Lita.  He thanks Heyman for the invite says regardless of his feelings about ECW, he respects RVD since they both won the Money in the Bank and then the title (and they’ll both lose the title as quickly as they won it too).  Edge can’t wait to tear the house down at Vengeance with their match.  They shake hands and as Heyman raises RVD’s hand, Edge takes advantage and spears RVD.  He and Lita exit through the crowd and when they turn back to face the ring, Cena shows up behind them.  When Edge realizes it, Cena levels him and they both come back to the ringside area, and RVD and Cena trade off punches to Edge.  Then they face each other and Edge nails them both.  After a low blow to RVD, Edge escapes.  Cena drops Heyman with a punch and leaves through the crowd.  A bunch of ECW guys come to ringside as we go to commercial.
Back live, Heyman is backstage upset about what just happened.  He says ECW will make a presence on Monday Night Raw.  Now that I don’t mind, it’s the vice versa I don’t like.  Some eerie music hits and a wrestler known as The Zombie comes to the ri ng.  He looks a little like the Ultimate Warrior actually.  On the microphone he makes well, zombie noises.  Still more interesting than many other promos you see these days.  Sandman’s music hits and he does his traditional entrance through the crowd and cuts his head with a beer can.
The Sandman vs. The Zombie (I Got Your Sci Fi Right Here Match)
I've seen matches with a dead crowd before, but this is ridiculous!  With Singapore cane (not to be confused with Singer Poor Kane, the homeless guy who sings while wearing a mask) in hand he clobbers The Zombie a couple of times which makes dust fly.  He delivers a White Russian Leg Sweep and an easy three count.
Winner: The Sandman
On the way to the back, Sandman continues to hit the Zombie with the cane.  They show a buxom blonde named Kelly backstage.  She’s an exhibitionist and she’s going to take off all of her clothes tonight.  Yeah this has science fiction written all over it.  By the way, I will not get excited about this kind of thing unless Vince gets a show on premium cable where they can actually show this stuff.  Did I mention this girl makes a deer in the headlights look like Einstein?  I heard her real name (or model name who knows) is Barbie Blank, yeah that sounds about right.  OK I wrote more comments on this segment than the segment itself.  Time to move on now.
They show the Tazz-Lawler match from last Sunday.  Back live, Kurt Angle comes down to the ring.  His opponent is Justin Credible, who comes down to ringside wearing a red uniform that appears to be from a well known retail store.  OK maybe not but that would be have been EXTREME, extremely funny anyway.
Kurt Angle vs. Justin Credible (Rogaine Match)
As soon as Justin in the ring, Angle gives him a double leg takedown.  One thing I like is Tazz and Styles are talking about the ECW experience of guys like Justin for viewers new to ECW.  They face off in the middle of the ring, Justin pushes Kurt then Angle delivers a headbutt then locks in a rear choke hold (which is legal) to which Justin Credible taps out.
Winner: Kurt Angle
On the microphone, Angle says he will beat Orton at Vengeance regardless of the rules.  Heyman is backstage asking if we want to feel extreme.  I would love to, except my right hand is tired from the typing.  He says tonight there will be a battle royal with weapons and the winner faces Cena at Vengeance as well as joins ECW when they go to Raw on Monday.  Kelly is then shown and she is showing us her assets next.  I think I would be more interested in her financial assets, so go ahead Kelly, show me your portfolio.  At least it would be different.
Back live and some dude who looks a little like Jeff Hardy but is a vampire is shown outside.  They show the clip of RVD getting speared by Edge earlier.  Kelly is introduced and this reeks of Vince.  Can’t Sandman interrupt THIS segment?  I’m gonna be honest, there is nothing really attractive about this woman.  She is generic to the EXTREME!  Well she does remove her top a bit and covers her tits in her hands.  Not that it was a good thing, it was really stupid and pointless.  As I clean off my keyboard, Tommy Dreamer comes down to ringside for the battle royal.  He is followed by everyone’s favorite picnic partner, Sabu.  We then go to commercial.
Back live, Al Snow is on his way to the ring, followed by Stevie Richards then the FBI.  Balls Mahoney is next and then Big Show with his new music which of course they had to plug.
Weapons Battle Royal, Winner faces Cena at Vengeance (Let’s Clear Out the Locker Room Match)
Big Show throws a bunch of guys out quickly between the ropes then gives Roadkill a fall away slam.  (Fit in commercial here)  All the wrestlers are back in the ring with weapons.  Sabu sets up a table outside the ring.  Then several wrestlers are hitting Show with signs and trash can lids, Balls hits him hard with a chair.  Al Snow tries to hit him with Head but gets caught by the throat and thrown out then Doring gets thrown out via the Big Show.  Stevie Richards is then thrown out by Show as is Roadkill.  Balls tries to hit Show with a trash can but Show stops it then throws Balls on it (which crushed the tin foil can).  Show tosses him out easily after that.  Dreamer then hits show numerous times with a sign, now that is innovative!  Sabu goes for a move on Show but gets tossed out, though he lands on the apron so he is not eliminated.  Dreamer then gets pressed slam by Show and thrown on the table outside.  Little Guido and Tony Mamaluke gets destroyed by Show and then easily eliminated.  Show then meets Big Guido face to face.  Show throws him out but Bi g Guido holds on to his arm and tries to pull him over.  During that, Sabu sets up a chair behind Show, grabs another chair then does a flying chair shot to Show’s back which knocks him over.
Winner: Sabu
Styles and Tazz remind us ECW is coming to Raw on Monday and Sabu is shown celebrating as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment of the Night: Going with Paul Heyman’s response to the request there be some sci-fi elements to the show by having a zombie character who then got destroyed by Sandman.
Not So Extreme Moment of the Night: I’ll forego the whole Cena and Edge stuff since I knew it would be there and instead go with the whole thing with Kelly, utterly pointless and a waste of baby oil.
Not a great show but pretty good for a debut.  It’s going to take some time I think to build a stronger audience and really, it isn’t easy to do this kind of show in a 20,000 seat arena before or after taping Smackdown.  I know they are doing a show here and there in smaller venues (back at Hammerstein Ballroom on August 1st for example) which I think will help.
OK go check out some less extreme (but more offensive) things here at the Fan such as James’ recap of ECW: One Night Stand or Sean’s brilliant as always Back-Leg Front Kick.  You also can’t go wrong with the weekly recaps, starting with my favorite joke stealer Cameron’ s Best Damn Raw Rant Period, Joe and his bloody good Lowdown on Smackdown and Remy’s TNeh Report.  Oh and if you’re really bored, come on over to the forums and tell us how much we suck so we can then ban you from the site.  Kissing ass does pay dividends, how do you think I got this job?  See you next week, same extreme time, same extreme channel.



What the fuck am I doing here on Wednesday?  Seriously, this is like the only day that never has anything to do with wrestling.  Monday you got Raw, Tuesday Smackdown is taped, Thursday….well you get the idea.  The reason for tonight is the WWE vs. ECW Head to Head special and if you ask me, th ere isn’t much special about it.  At least not if you have seen the lineup for One Night Stand (or as we here at the Fan call it ECW:Fuck Buddy).  Anyway, let’s get to this thing.
Mick Foley is in the WWE locker room with assorted superstars from both brands, and everyone is wearing their respective brand’s T-shirt.  For example, Carlito and Shelton’s say “Raw” and Mysterio and Lashley’s say “Edited for Your Approval Except for Micha el Cole”, err I mean “Smackdown”.  He says tonight ECW comes to their turf and is going to try to humiliate them.  They get riled up.  Then to the ECW locker room with Heyman getting their superstars fired up.  I see they got Justin Credible for this, and Al Snow and Stevie Richards still have jobs with the company.  Oh and Sabu never moves from his point to the sky pose throughout the whole thing.  They all shout “ECW” maniacally as the show opens with a package of WWE and ECW footage, pyro and we’re live from Dayton, Ohio.
Interestingly, they have both the WWE entrance ramp as well as the ECW one.  Oh and Lilian is back looking as good as ever.  Also, you got JR and King calling the WWE side, and Joey Styles and Tazz on the ECW side.  Tonight there will be a battle royal with 10 WWE and 10 ECW superstars, as well as an Extreme Rules match (meaning none) between John Cena and the (add your death defying adjective here) Sabu.  Tazz starts yelling at King and Joey and JR have to prevent them from going at it.  Rey Mysterio’s music hits and he enters his usual way.  RVD then comes out via the ECW entrance (sans briefcase).
World Heavyweight Champion Rey Mysterio vs. Rob Van Dam (619 vs. 420 Match, non title)
A respectful handshake and a couple of quick moves on each other then another show of respect to each other.  Mysterio then kicks RVD but gets caught in a military press, which Rob drops him then does a backflip splash (which Rey conveniently rolls over for).  Joey mentions that he will not be doing “sports entertainment” commentary an d will actually describe the wrestling moves in the match.  While RVD acknowledges the crowd, Rey dropkicks from behind which puts RVD on the ropes.  619 attempt but RVD was ready for it.  He was about to jump to the top rope but Rey met him midair with a dropkick.  Mysterio baseball slides to the floor but RVD catches him on his shoulder, and drops him right on the barricade.  RVD climbs on top of the barricade, slips off, then gets up there again.  He goes for a leg drop but Rey gets out of the way and RVD falls into the audience side of the barricade.  Rey then jumps to the top rope and dives on RVD in the crowd.  Nice visu al and we go to commercial.
Commercial Comment: I could go for some roast duck with mango salsa.
Back live and a couple of kicks from Rey, and a bodyscissors attempt but Van Dam catches it and drops him on the ropes right where it hurts.  That’s on his balls for the uninformed.  RVD climbs to the top rope and gives a kick which drops Mysterio to the floor.  RVD throws Rey back inside then gives a slingshot guillotine legdrop over the top rope.  Pin attempt for two.  Rey reverses a throw to the turnbuckle but RVD gets a nice drop toe hold on Rey to leave him in the corner.  RVD gets a chair and “skateboards” it off Rey (not exactly the Van Daminator I think).  RVD takes a bow and goes for a pin but only a count of two.  Irish whip to the corner by RVD and he grabs another chair from outside.  He runs at Rey, does a somersault, but Rey moves and RVD jumps to the second rope.  Rey traps him and delivers a bulldog right on the chair to which RVD barely kicks out.  Rey goes to the outside in an attempt to Drop the Dime, but missed and dropped his jewels instead.  RVD places the chair on top of Rey and goes to the top rope.  Just as RVD goes in the air for the 5 Star Frogsplash, Rey throws the chair off him but still gets nailed with the move and Rob gets the three count.  Outstanding match.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
RVD helps Rey up and holds his hand up in the air.  He then goes outside and slaps a high five with Joey and Tazz.  A recap of Raw with Angle getting an RKO from Orton is shown and then Angle is walking to the ring.
Commercial Comment: Nacho Libre is going to rule, bank on it.
Kurt Angle comes out and his pyro goes off in the ring since he came out through the ECW ramp.  He gets a microphone and says people think he would be upset that Orton RKO’ed him in front of his hometown crowd.  But he was the one who broke Orton’s ankle two months ago which he claims to be his favorite.  He says Orton will not be facing Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Angle or WWE Superstar Kurt Angle, he’ll be facing ECW’s Kurt Angle and he doesn’t take shit from anyone (which of course was muted).  Orton then comes out and is not very threatened.  He feels sorry for Angle because he went from main eventing Wrestlemania to ECW which he compares as going from starring in a summer blockbuster to doing hardcore porn.  Does this mean Kane will be doing a porno soon?  After all, the director of “See No Evil” is from the porn industry.  Anyway, Orton says ECW fans probably like hardcore porn because it’s the closest they’ll come to sex.  Apparently his one year contract with Smackdown expired so he is back on Raw.  Geez, did they keep any of their draft picks?  Angle says he doesn’t have to worry about upsetting anyone, he just has to kick ass.  He plans on breaking Orton’s legs, arms and neck this Sunday.  Anyone find it funny that they showed no surgery highlights for Orton while he was in rehab?  Oh right.  Orton says it is his destiny to beat Angle as well as single handedly kill the legend of ECW.  Later tonight we get Tommy Dreamer vs. Edge in an Extreme Rules Match.  Mickie James is shown heading to the ring then a face we haven’t seen in a while Jazz is also heading there.
After the commercial, my favorite diva Mickie James comes out (or rather enters the arena, they already did that storyline).  Tazz hilariously screams “PUPPIES!” and asks Lawler to say it once.  Jazz then enters and it’s nice that the WWE brought back one of the good wrestling divas.  If only they’d bring back Molly…
WWE Women’s Champion Mickie James vs. Jazz (White Girl Challenge OK not really but Jazz is married to Rodney Mack so it’s funny, non title match)
Lockup in the center of the ring and an arm lock by Mickie which Jazz reverses.  Mickie breaks it but Jazz gives a couple of kicks to the stomach and a drop kick.  Outside the ring, Jazz dives on Mickie (I am so jealous).  Back in the ring, Jazz misses a move into the corner and Mickie goes for the Mick Kick but misses and Jazz nails a Jazz Stinger (similar to the X-Factor).  Pin attempt but Mickie gets her foot on the rope.  As they both get up, Mickie sneaks a thumb to the eye.  Mickie then nails Jazz with The Mickie DDT and gets the pin for a three count.
Winner: Mickie James
Joey pimps the match between Sabu and Cena and we go to commercial.
Backstage, Tard Grisham introduces Cena.  They show a clip of the beatdown he received on Raw including Joey Styles saying “You can’t see this!”  Cena mentions that if he loses the title (and mentions some former champions for cheap pops) it becomes the ECW title.  Also against him is the fact it will be all ECW fans.  He acknowledges if he wins there will be a riot (he’s right).  He calls Sabu “genocidal, homicidal, suicidal, dance recital, sheik of the week” and says he pissed off the wrong “fire breathing son of a bitch”.
Paul Heyman is in the ring and plugs ECW’s new show next Tuesday (and allow me to plug my recap).  He says it’s going to be a whole lot more than it used to be and it all starts this Sunday.  He then goes over the lineup for the pay per view.  Heyman then says for anyone who is not sold yet here are some highlights from last year.  Based on the current card, it looks like last year was better.  Angle is then firing up the ECW locker room and Big Show does the same for the WWE locker room.
Commercial Comment: The 4400, that’s something like Monday at 10pm based on military time isn’t it?
Lilian announces the rules of the battle royal and apparently it’s competitive where the team that eliminates the other is the winner.  WWE stars come out first individually with Big Show, Orton, Mark Henry, Tatanka, Shelton Benjamin, Matt Hardy, Finlay, Carlito, Bobby Lashley, and Edge.  ECW then follows and they are all together.
10 WWE vs. 10 ECW Battle Royal (Basically a Big Clusterfuck)
Edge sneaks out under the bottom rope as the match starts.  Mark Henry goes quickly thanks to Angle and Nunzio (actually Little Guido but he’s wearing the Nunzio tights).  Funk eliminates Hardy.  Big Show eliminates Nunzio/Guido and Dreamer eliminates Tatanka.  Carlito i s then dropkicked out by Sandman.  Edge then snuck to the apron and eliminated Tony Mamaluke.  As Dreamer tried to get his hands on Edge, Orton snuck up from behind and eliminated him.
Commercial Comment:  Dunkin Donuts…is there anything they don’t have?  Oh I know, anything good besides their coffee.
Back to the sho w, and Funk is thrown out by Edge from the outside and disintegrates (ok, not really but it’s bound to happen soon) then Justin Credible is eliminated by Finlay.  Al Snow misses hitting Benjamin with Head and Shelton eliminates him with a kick.  Stevie Richards is then thrown out as well as Balls Mahoney courtesy of Bobby Lashley but Angle then eliminates Bobby.  Another commercial?
When the show comes back, Orton eliminates the Sandman.  Angle is now the only ECW guy left.  He eliminates Benjamin th en the other three in the ring gang around him.  He attacks each one in turn and turns a Show chokeslam attempt into an Angle Slam.  Finlay then attacks from behind.  He tries to throw Angle out but Kurt grabs Finlay’s legs and monkey flips him out.  Edge then prepares for the spear but as Angle turns around he catches it and gives Edge a belly to belly overhead throw.  Orton then sneaks up behind Angle and eliminates him.  Orton celebrates and as the Raw theme plays and Lilian starts to announce the winner, Big Show rips off his Raw shirt and reveals an ECW shirt.  He chokeslams Orton and then tosses him over.
Winner: ECW
Post match, Angle returns to the ring and gives Show a hug.  Commercial time.
Commercial Comment: The Omen looks pretty stupid, but I did make a nice paycheck wearing a monk’s outfit to promote it on 6-6 -06.
In the ECW locker room, there is a big celebration with beer.  Back in the ring we have Edge, Lita, and Foley.  Edge gets on the microphone and says if you want to talk hardcore, Foley knows it.  He then points to the Titantron and they show his classic ECW “he’s hardcore” promo.  Dreamer (with barbed wire 2x4) and Funk then come out.
Edge w/ Lita and Mick Foley vs. Tommy Dreamer w/Terry Funk (Rated R, Hardcore, make up your damn mind!)
Dreamer misses a swing with his barbed wire 2x4 then outside Dreamer throws Edge over the stairs.  Back in the ring, Dreamer empties the trash can and hit Edge on the back with a sign.  Lita grabs Dreamer’s leg and Edge hits him with the sign.  Edge then grabs a cookie sheet and hits him with that (I remember having a cookie sheet in an apartment once that did not hurt at all to be hit with so we would scare people by hitting each other with it.& nbsp; Ahh good times.)  Edge sets up a trash can near Tommy’s head and as he goes for a hip toss onto the can, Dreamer blocks and gets a neckbreaker.  Dreamer sets up a chair (while Styles is saying how ECW introduced US audiences to Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko, and Rey Mysterio when the WWE wanted no part of them and only wanted bodybuilding stiffs like Ultimate Warrior and Lex Luger) but Edge does a drop toe hold which gets Dreamer’s head to bounce right off the edge of it.  Edge then smacks Dreamer with a trash can lid.  Edge-ucation onto the can and pin attempt but only gets two.  Dreamer gets a low blow after taking a few punches from Edge and hangs him upside down in the corner.  Dreame r stands on his infected testicles then places a chair near his head.  Dreamer then dropkicks the chair into Edge.  During all this, the announcers are yelling at each other (including mocking the WWE’s use of a leprechaun and Styles catching King on not knowing it existed on Smackdown).  Dreamer gets a table from the outside and puts Edge up on the turnbuckle.  Lita then comes in the ring and hits Dreamer in the back with a kendo stick.  Funk then goes after Lita but Foley comes in and chokes out Funk with barbed wire.  Meantime, Edge was back bodydropped from the turnbuckle but missed the table and went head first into the canvas.  Dreamer then gives a Dreamer Driver an d breaks the table but before he can get a three count, Lita hits him with a kendo stick.  Dreamer gets up (Styles says “her latest STD has affected her brain”) and goes for a powerbomb but Edge catches a rather weak spear with Lita landing on top of him (jealous of that for sure) and Edge gets the three count.
Winner: Edge
After a commercial, Foley is sitting in the ring with a microphone and a spotlight on him..  He asks where the fans have any right to say he sold out and call him a whore.  He says he loved ECW but they didn’t love him back.  It was too much so he found fame and fortune in WWE.  He says pulling a sock out of his pants made his career.  He then says he rewatched his Wrestlemania match with Edge and says maybe it wasn’t as hardcore as he thought.  He says he and Edge may have to be tougher than that.  A fan starts a boring chant which thankfully Foley tells to shut up.  He says nothing he’s done before will compare to what he’s going to do to Dreamer and Funk on Sunday.
Afterward, the announcers argue again and Lawler gets up to confront Tazz.  They level each other with punches then beat the crap out of each other until it is broken up by referees.  Styles asks them to let them fight and we go to another commercial.
Back to the show, it seems the announcers have calmed down.  A video of the contract signing from Raw is shown.  Then Cena enters the arena looking extremely serious.  Then Sabu comes out.
The Suicidal, Homicidal, Genecidal Sabu vs The Overused, Overrated, Overexposed WWE Champion John Cena (Non title)
Exchange of punches to start and an elbow off the ropes from Cena followed by an elbow drop and two count.  Sabu’s head eats turnbuckle (chock full of nutrients) and then Cena delivers a suplex and gets another two count.  Sabu catches Cena telegraphing a back body drop but Cena catches him and throws him to the mat.  Sabu is then thrown to the turnbuckle but comes back with a low blow on Cena.  He throws Cena to the outside and then nails him with a slingshot somersault senton.  Sabu grabs a chair and throws it right on Cena’s face.  Back in the ring, and he throws the chair in Cena’s face again.  Sabu sets up the chair and does a triple jump moonsault and gets a two count.  He sets up the chair again and does the move Jeff Hardy used to call the Whisper in the Wind.  Sabu then delivers the Arabian Facebuster and Cena rolls to the outside.  Sabu throws Cena into the steps and then into the announce table.  Sabu then does a leg drop on the table which doesn’t break and then one on the floor.  Pin attempt back in the ring but only gets a two count.  Sabu sets up the chair again but Cena catches him in midair and delivers an FU.  He then puts him in the center of the ring and locks in the STFU but Big Show comes in and causes a disqualification?  The fuck?  Locker room clears with everyone in the ring as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Wow, tough to pick one.  The RVD-Rey match was excellent and the Mickie-Jazz match was good too.
Lowlight of the Night: While not much to pick from, I have to go with the fact of how Sabu carried the entire match with Cena until the FU and nearly made him tap as well as the ridiculous DQ.  That pissed me off.
Overall a very entertaining show I have to say.  If this is anything like what the new ECW will be like, I am looking forward to it.  Check back for my recap of the new ECW show (which apparently is without a name besides ECW) next week.  Also check out my recap of this week’s Raw where I share my thoughts on the disturbing buttocks of Mr. McMahon among other things.  Also check out other stuff on the site (they’re talented writers too) and since this is officially my column, send me some damn feedback!


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).