Hello there folks, and welcome back to the ECW Report – clinically proven to be unhealthier than suicide.  If that’s the case, I must be fucking immortal!  Why that sounds sweet, I guess I’ll have to keep a lookout for guys with broadswords now…crap. 

First off, I have something to get off my chest.  For the life of me, I don’t know how Batista is still getting cheered at this point.  I am of the mindset that faces are the ones that can be some sort of role model, or relate to the fan in some regard.  Hogan, Cena, Stone Cold, The Rock, and Bret Hart all had qualities to make them good faces.  Batista though?  What does he bring to the table, really?  As a face, he sure has a funny way of showing he’s a good guy, seeing how he treats everyone else like shit (see Jamie Noble last night, or CM Punk last week/last Sunday), and acts like a dick in general.  So, what lessons is he teaching the kids?  Get big so you can boss around everyone else?  Sounds like it to me.  Plus, just LOOK at the guy:

Does that look like a good guy to you?  Does that even look NATURAL?  Remotely?  Turn this fuckhead heel already, because all he is to me is some roid-raging grandpa that has his spot because apparently the fans LOVE suit-wearing dicks, and HHH is on SmackDown now.  I hate people sometimes. 

Now, let’s switch to some Philadelphia-related content, shall we?  Namely, ol’ Sandman’s drinking is getting him in some hot water again, as he thought chucking glasses at policemen would be a good idea, and now faces felony assault charges as a result.  Whoopsie!  Would being sodomized by a Singapore cane be a case of poetic justice?  Who knows, but to me, it’d strangely be hilarious.  Come on Sandman, you’re giving Philadelphians a bad image.  Nevermind the high crime rate, obesity, terrible dental work, and rampaging poverty.  Drinking gone wrong is the worst!

Also, Uncle Neil’s got a treat for you.  Seeing how tonight’s show is in Philadelphia, (ex) tag champs Miz and Morrison stopped into the local radio show for a half kayfabe interview.  Considering the radio show know pretty much NOTHING about WWE at all, it’s rather humorous that John Morrison is able to pawn that off as his real name.  Anyway, the interview makes the two seem less retarded, but not by much.  Here’s the entire show from that day, with the interview starting at about the 1-hour mark:

http://media.libsyn.com/media/prestonandsteve/PnS072108.mp3

Give it a listen; I’ll still be here when you’re done.  Waiting.  Longing for you.  So, how about we get this show on the road, eh?

Still standing here in Philadelphia!  Jesus, I just fucking told you that!  Will I regret not going to this show?  Well, let’s find out together, shall we?  Teddy’s out to start the show, with a very shiny new belt for the ECW champ, Mark Henry.  It’s pretty nice looking, but don’t think I didn’t notice how it said World Wrestling Entertainment above where it says ECW.  Ah, I loves me some conspiracy theories.  Also, it’s pretty fucking big.  Mark and Tony are out now, and Henry looks pretty damn happy to have his new toy.  A silver belt for that silver back?  You better believe it.  Saba Simba puts over the champ as usual, making thinly veiled jabs at the old ECW in the process.  Ah, so nice.  Tony then brings out THAT DASTARDLY HEEL Colin Delaney, who still has his titantron of getting his ass handed to him.  Everyone was asking him why?  Somehow, SOMEHOW, I find that hard to believe.  Philly fans rock, as they can’t stand this bullshit right out of the gate, though they use the what chants, which make me die a little on the inside.  Anyway, Colin’s reason was simply that palling with Tommy was resulting in him getting the shit kicked out of him on a weekly basis, ending with a line that will always make me laugh, saying something to the effect of that Tommy Dreamer was the past, but TONY ATLAS AND MARK HENRY were the future.  Ummm, yeah.  This results in Teddy making an immediate match between Colin and Tommy, as Tony and Mark take a hike, to be dicks I suppose.

Tommy Dreamer Vs. Colin Delaney

Predictably, Tommy is all over Colin at the onset of the match, getting some mild ECW chants for the remaining faithful WWE has yet to kill off.  Touching.  Colin gets the upper hand for a short time, which is hilarious, as Tommy selling his offense really busts that whole “suspension of disbelief” thing wide open.  Guy looks like a stray wind could shatter his spine.  Tommy quickly recovers and spikes Colin with the DDT for the three.

Winner:  Tommy Dreamer

What stood out:  Tommy gets his first win in like, what, six months?

TO THE BACK now, where Miz and Morrison discuss the main event tonight, where the winner gets #1 contendership status for Summerslam.  I have to say, these guys are growing on me.  May the Buddha of luck sit in your corner tonight?  The hell?  Also, apparently their credentials to the contendership would include Miz’s hat, and Morrison’s Farm-raised Jackal fur coat.  Man, with credentials like that, Morrison should just jump to Raw and get the world title from CM Punk!  Come on, everyone’s doing it.

Chavo and BAM NEELY come down to commentate on the next match.  Ok, Chavo commentates, while BAM stands around being useless.

Evan Bourne Vs. James Curtis

Hmm, I wonder who’s winning this one?  Such a mystery…

Evan’s streak of non-arm offense comes to a halt, going for an armbar on Curtis, which is quickly broken.  Jobber #373 gets a few over Evan here and there, and this match is surprisingly back and forth.  I mean I get that he’s not a monster or anything, but doing worse against some random douche than against a former ECW champ is pretty awful.  Anyway, this is ended pretty soon, with a PPSSP getting the three.

Winner:  Evan Bourne

What stood out:  Many things, actually.  First, like I said, Evan should not be doing worse against some jobber, no matter how huge he is.  Second, Chavo on commentary was pretty yawncore, as while he did put over Evan’s merits here and there, but really stayed silent for most of the match.  Finally, fans pop for the Shooting Star Press.  I think all Evan’s gimmick needs to be is him randomly SSP’ing people.  Don’t you dare ever lie flat on your back, because Evan will be there!  Come on, tell me you wouldn’t love this:

Crew member:  “Man, setting up that ring was tough work, I need to go rest up for later.  Ahhhh, a bed, I’ll just lay down here and…”

SHOOTING STAR PRESS’D~!

Evan Bourne:  “Airbourne strikes again!  Fuck that stupid band with the same name!”

Post match, BAM and Chavo try to beat down Evan, but Bourne gives them both the slip.  Really, that’s all that happened.

TO THE BACK again, with team Irish doing witty banter or something.  Don’t care, moving on.

Recap of Raw, focusing on the world title match.  I love how CM got booted out of the ring after the match was over, and never recovered.  JBL might as well have gone for the gusto, and said, “out of the ring boy, let the REAL main eventers do their job.”  Maybe some anal rape to really drive the point home.  Credibility, thy name is not CM Punk.

Generic Blonde Tiffany talking with Ricky Ortiz now, where Teddy comes barging in.  Gotta pay for them hoes, playa.  Ricky gets put in a match for next week, after discussing the finer points of football, and merchandising.  This leads to a video package, for some reason, of Mike Knox.  Wrestling – so easy, a caveman can do it.  Right after that, ANOTHER segment, with Matt Hardy hyping up the main event, doing a good job in the process.  I do like how they’ve been hyping this 4-way up all night long, as it makes a match on ECW seem IMPORTANT.  Hard to believe, I know, but hey, anything is possible in the WWE!  I said it, OK?  Now where’s my residual check?

The Miz Vs. Finlay w/ Hornswoggle Vs. John Morrison Vs. Matt Hardy, Fatal 4-Way for the #1 Contendership for the ECW Title

Seeing how this whole thing started at 10:40, they had to blow about 7 minutes just on introductions.  Can’t just have a long match, can we?  What’s that? We had one last week?  Well, heavy drinking took care of that memory.

After the opening tussle, Miz and Morrison go take the obligatory 10-minute nap on the outside, as Matt and Finlay stiff the hell out of each other.  The ex champs then roll in to break that up, and I can tell that fully recapping this one is going to be an exercise in futility.  So, no blow by blow for you!  Morrison and Hardy pair off, with Miz and Finlay going at it as well.  There’s so much going on that with people going for pins (mainly Hardy and Finlay trying to pin their “partners” in this case), the ref gets confused, so the count comes extremely late.  Nice little touch. 

Back from commercial, Miz and Morrison get their targeting arrows point to Hardy and Finlay, respectively.  Double clothesline takes Hardy and Miz down for a while, while Morrison finally manages to avoid Finlay’s apron trick, putting him down with a dropkick to the outside.  Spilling over into the crowd, Morrison uses a fan’s beer (IRONY) to help incapacitate the Irish man, as Miz assists with some nice double teaming to put Finlay down for a while.  Hardy is holding his own against the ex champs, with roll-ups all around, eventually climaxing with a Side Effect for two.  Finlay rolls back in for a Celtic Cross that gets broken up, and it’s PANDEMONIUM.  Seriously, this match is crazy.  Finally, after like 5 minutes of this ridiculous pace, Matt Hardy catches Morrison coming off the ropes with a boot to the gut, leading to the TWIST OF FATE OUTTA NOWHERE for the win.  Sheesh.

Winner:  Matt Hardy

What stood out:  Holy crap, this match was crazy.  I really hope they don’t do another one for a while, simply because this match was damn near impossible to recap.  However, that being said, it was a great match.  What stood out was the desperation.  It was sudden pins and breakups galore in this match, which was helped by both audience and performer to sell the drama.  In the end though, it went to the right guy.  Now if Hardy can get a decent match out of Mark Henry at Summerslam, this guy will be a straight up GOD in my book.  OHHHHH YEAHHHHH~! Ok, I’ll stop now.

Mark Henry and Tony Atlas come out on the ramp after the match is over, scoping out their next opponent.  Or their next meal.  With Matt looking as white as a cooked chicken, you never know.  THE END.

Uppers:  Everyone was on their game tonight, match-wise.  Tommy and Colin was good for the nostalgia pop, Evan’s high flying got the crowd going some more, and the frantic main event, which both got time and great performances from all, got a good pop from the crowd when Matt Hardy won.  As far as no-bullshit wrestling is concerned in the WWE, ECW is on track to becoming the top show in that category.  And no, I’m not crazy.  Come on, the last SmackDown was almost nothing but wedding-related shit, and Raw wasn’t too much better.  Look deep, you’ll know it’s true.

Downers:  The main problem with the wrestling tonight was simply, there were only three matches.  Outside of the main event, neither went too long.  So, how did they fill that up?  A video highlight reel of MIKE KNOX.  While the players in the main event tonight did their job hyping it up nicely, everything else just seemed like unnecessary fluff.  A little here, and a little there, the matches could’ve gotten some more time.  For MY vision of what ECW should be (mas wrestling por favor), this would make me a happy camper.  Judging by the crowd tonight, they wouldn’t mind either.  They were pretty fucking dead for Colin in the opening segment, that’s for sure.

Overall:  Fine show tonight, as I am interested in how they build Hardy Vs. Henry, as they have a decent amount of time before Summerslam.  Compared to the rapid-fire nature of the past few PPVs, they could build some interest in this match.  Really.  Of course, it’ll still go on first or second in the card like it always does, but at least it’ll mean something this time. 

I’m Neil McGilloway, and assuming I’m not fired, ‘til next week.