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ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(July 2008 Archives.)

July 01, 2008
July 08, 2008
July 15, 2008
July 22, 2008
July 29, 2008


Ahh, here we are again.  Man oh man, this brand is in shambles.  Cameron was nice enough to sum my job up in about two sentences last night:


Also of special note is, MARK FUCKING HENRY is ECW champion. HAHAHA I’m glad I don’t recap that shit.”


Yes, be very glad, because I am NOT looking forward to the match pace our new champ is going to be putting on.  I got the Bible and Bowflex right here, ready to go.  I mean, other matches happened at the PPV, but they all pretty much meant shit, soooo…yeah.  Moving on.


Now, also of note is the sorta kinda SHOCKING title win of one CM Punk last night.  Glad I decided to forgo Metal Gear Online for that!  However, I was somewhat surprised that they wouldn’t even attempt to last one RAW without a world title, not to mention put the belt on Mr. Loseriffic.  However, when you really thought about it, I mean REALLY thought about it, you could see it coming.  I mean, why would Edge have popped in to be a douche to JR, when he hasn’t shown even any remote problem with him in his entire WWE career?  Why couldn’t he just wait until SmackDown! to do it?  Why would he do it on the show where the guy he screwed last night was on, thereby guaranteeing an ass kicking?  I mean, I like Edge and all, but when you add all of that up, you could see the switch a mile away.  Plus, not like the proven non-drawing world champ (that’d be HHH) is losing his hubcap anytime soon.


Another aspect of this is that try and escape it as you might, we’re all still marks.  Don’t even act like you reacted to Punk winning (and beating JBL in the main event) with complete apathy.  Good or bad, you were all over that shit.  WWE has flashes of brilliance – since everyone’s been accustomed to CM Punk getting his ass beat like a daily ritual, everyone automatically assumes he’s losing the belt to JBL.  Then Punk wins, and everyone marks out again.  MARKS.  Deal with it, fuckers.  As long as Punk keeps winning to get his credibility back again (meaning at this rate he’ll have to go on a Goldberg-like streak), I really have no problem with his reign.  Good on you, ECW alum.


Speaking of, I just happened to notice something.   Take note of the current champs:


World Heavyweight Championship:  CM Punk

Intercontinental Championship:  Kofi Kingston

Women’s Champion:  Mickie James

US Championship:  Matt Hardy

ECW Title:  Mark Henry

WWE Title:  Triple H

World Tag Team Champs:  Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes

WWE Tag Team Champs:  Mike Mizanin & John Morrison


Of the 8 champs, 5 are (or were until very recently) on ECW.  When the fuck did THAT happen?  It’s almost like someone out there CARES about ECW!  The 1.0 rating heartily disagrees, but still.


OK, my right hand hurts from signing about 100+ pages worth of contract (and my left hand hurts from something far more vile), so let’s get this shit over with.



Still standing here in Tulsa!  And we start of with the beginning of the “I’m sorry” reign of Mark Henry!  That’s twofold, by the way, sorry to Henry that they have a racist fucker running the show, and sorry to humanity for this atrocity.  After a recap (which shows why Mark Henry should never hold his arms up in the air, lest his big black titties spill out of his spandex suit), Mizark comes out, looking happy, actually.  Hey, it’s still his first big title reign.  Henry gets hilariously booed for actually making good points (namely, how the two other competitors at NOC aren’t even in FUCKING ECW AND WRESTLING FOR THE ECW TITLE), and isn’t actually THAT bad on the stick.  Golf clap.  Speaking of credible titleholders, Tommy Dreamer’s out to challenge Mark for the title.  How about start with winning a match?  Between him and JBL (who hasn’t won a big match to save his life now), WWE is pulling out all the stops for challengers!  Tommy Dreamer runs down the respectable history of the title, while accidentally reminding everyone how good ECW used to be back in the 20th century.  Oops.  Predator then manages to confuse the hell out of me by saying Colin Delaney has a title shot tonight, but if Colin wins, Tommy gets a title shot against Mark Henry.  Ok, I said he was good on the stick – didn’t say he was smart.



Side note time!  In a commercial for RAW, they put over how all the champs are new blood.  This, this I like.  However, what the hell is up with Cody’s face?  It has the constant Alabama Housewife shiner going.  Also, in that promo, the Dusty lisp was in full force.  Not exactly the first trait I’d want to emulate from the American Dream.



Matt Hardy, Finlay, and Hornswoggle Vs. Chavo Guerrero w/ BAM NEELY (fuck you, it’ll never die here), John Morrison, and The Miz


Hornswoggle HILARIOUSLY comes packing heat with a deadly squirt gun.  Ugh.


Matt and Mike start off, and Matt proves he’s still as over as ever, getting chants for doing not a damn thing.  Hardy dominates Miz from the get go, proving the equation “The Matt Hardy Show” > “The Real World,” before tagging in Finlay.  Basically, the faces are making the heels look like total ass here.  To cap off the believability, Hornswoggle takes down the champs with a cross body from the apron to the floor.  Unless he has the density of a black hole, sorry, not physically possible.  Though, to me, he’s a black hole where no entertaining value can survive, so it’s not totally out of the question.


ANYWAY, heels finally manage to take over on Hardy.  Took their asses long enough.  Morrison and Miz take turns putting rest holds on Matt, with Miz DEMANDING Hardy tap out to his deadly chinlock.  Uhhh, yeah.  Sorry, distracted for a second, since some kid in the front row has the Jeff hardy arm things.  That just disturbs me, because those damn things look incredibly gay.  Oh look, Hardy tagged out.  Finlay runs wild, ending with Chavo taking all three finishers in the following order:  Hardy, Hornswoggle, Finlay.


Winner:  Matt Hardy, Finlay, and Hornswoggle


What stood out:  Jeff Hardy corrupting the straight right out of America’s youth.  Oh, and it was a good match too I guess.  Apparently all match, Adamle was saying how Chavo said if Hornswoggle used the Tadpole splash, the consequences would be DIRE.  Intrigue!  No, wait.  Boredom.  Yeah, that’s the word I was looking for.



Recap of RAW.  One thing about CM Punk – God damn it man, you won a world title, not an Academy Award!  It’s a shame, seeing how I’ve seen his early promo work, and it was only about infinitely times better than what he was doing last night.  I mean, come on!  “YOU ARE A WHORE.”  Classic.



Tommy and Colin have a touching heart to heart.  Aww, muffin.  Not important.  Apparently, Carlito’s long lost evil twin just got signed to ECW!  Teddy’s started the “New Talent Initiative.”  The guy’s name is Atlas Ortiz, and I’ve never fucking heard of him.  Bud damn is he a dork.  He does the whole “too slow” handshake deal to Browntista when he comes barging in.  Ortiz, by himself, doesn’t interest me.  New Talent Initiative?  Sign me up.  Blee dat.



 SPANISH COCK FIGHT!  Armando Estrada Vs.  Atlas Ortiz


Dude’s got energy, I’ll give him that.  Though I haven’t seen a TitanTron that generic since the heyday of David Flair.


Some basic chain wrestling to start, with Atlas putting on an extended headlock.  And I mean extended.  Yawn.  Atlas goes for shoulder thrusts in the corner, but all that gets him is a shoulder full of iron.  Oh, and when Armando tauntingly talks, you can hear him loud and clear.  This is a fancy way of saying nobody cares about this match.  Though, Atlas is getting some very sporadic chants, so it’s a start.  Has to be the hair.  On the comeback, Atlas hits a pretty good dropkick (dude’s kinda tall), and gets the win off a sudden backslide.  He proceeds to have a seizure of joy.


Winner:  Tony Atlas Ortiz


What stood out:  Well, for a debut, it was ok.  Nothing really impressing me, but nothing making me automatically condemn the guy.  Armando also finally gets an extended match, and gets about the same rating from me.  The kids in the crowd were trying, but not much getting into this match.



Colin Delaney Vs. Mark Henry, Finally explained that if Colin wins, Tommy gets a title shot, NOT that Colin gets the ECW Title and oh shit the match is starting.


This one starts as you’d expect.  Colin goes for a flurry of offense on Mizark, but somebody’s gonna get they ass kicked and/or wig split, so that’s put to bed soon.  Mark demonstrates the slo-mo offense that made him a world champion (yeah, read it until it sinks in bitches), ending it with the world’s strongest slam.  If you thought there was going to be more to this match, boy do I feel sorry for you.


Winner:  Mark Henry


What stood out:  Mark Henry gets to do some moves on a lightweight.  Haven’t seen that one before.  Though, Colin did manage to get Mark to break a sweat.  Disregard the fact that he breaks a sweat getting to the ring.


Mark Henry chortles merrily over his victory, as Tommy Dreamer comes to grips that he should probably win a match before challenging the champ.  That would make sense, you know.  THE END.



Uppers:  Three words – New Talent fucking Initiative (altered in remembrance of Paul Heyman).  This gives me that slight glimmer of hope, like a stray birthday candle, begging to be blown out.  Hopefully it’ll be one of those trick candles, one that stays lit, and eventually sets the whole house ablaze!  BURN, MOTHERFUCKERS, BURN!  Wait, what was I talking about again.  Oh yeah, new talent initiative.  If this means lots of new guys coming in to impress, then this is good.  Atlas Ortiz was an OK start.  However, the possibilities here are certainly intriguing.


Downers:  Who here likes Hornswoggle?  Really?  Show of hands?  Nobody?  Yeah, exactly.  Midgets are only funny when fighting other midgets, or being victims of extreme violence.  Any other scenario, and you’ve completely lost me.  Oh, and Mark Henry is still God awful in the ring.  But I’m sure you already knew that.


Overall:  An interesting show, as I’m for once looking forward to what’s going to be coming up in the next few weeks.  What new faces are going to show up now?  My guess?  Not white people.  Especially with Teddy in charge.  He was Captain of the Mack Militant movement, after all.  Wrestling-wise, it was OK.  Certainly more wrestling than last night (which was only forgiven by me because of the title switch; without it, that episode was shit).  Atlas Ortiz better come up with something that isn’t a backslide as his finisher.  Shame Carlito was drafted to SmackDown!, because those two were a match made in Afro Heaven.


Ok, I’m done here.  Read all the other columns on the site, and go see the forum.  You know the drill, they’re all great.  Assuming I’m not fired, ‘til next week.


Oh, and I’m still Neil McGilloway.   No name change yet, no sir.



Hmmm, what to talk about, what to talk about.  Honestly, to me, it’s been a slow, slow week.  Still hurting from July 4th weekend – who knew copious amounts of alcohol would have negative side effects?  Wrestling-wise, it’s just as slow – Raw looked like a retard booked it (well, more than usual anyway).  I mean, light stands falling?  Fans able to get past security and backstage to annoy roided out grandpas?  Come on.  It was different, but not necessarily good…


So yeah, that’s all I got.  Let’s get to this already.  Still standing here in Baton Rouge (it’s French for red baton!), by the way.


Tag champs are out for starters, going for the obligatory low blow – Hurricane Katrina jokes!  Seriously.  Also, what the fuck is up with their nicknames?  It sounds like they just took a community college class in poetic language:  Puns (The Mizard of Lust), Alliteration (Shaman of Sexy), and, of course, Rhyming (Tuesday Night Delight).  The first two are groan-inducing enough, but the last one particularly stands out to me.  Let me tell you, I have many a story of a hot night out on the town on a FUCKING TUESDAY NIGHT.


Anyway, after a few more hurricane jokes, Finlay’s out for a little peaceful verbal debate.  The champs rightfully bring up his son’s troll-like nature, prompting Hornswoggle to sneak up on the pair with the RIDICULOUSLY DEADLY squirt gun.  This leads to Finlay popping Morrison’s six-pack with the stick, and the champs sent running.  Yawn.


Back from break, IMPROMPTU MATCH!


Finlay Vs. Miz


Back and forth from the start, Miz takes over after some Morrisony interference.  Miz works the arm of Finlay, using moves that are surprisingly NOT clotheslines!  Gotta give the two credit, as this match is gradually bringing the crowd back from the dead.  Something tells me SmackDown burned their asses out something huge.  The arm work goes on for what seems like an eternity, but Finlay’s able to mount a comeback, with some clotheslines of his own.  Miz then takes over again with some MORE clotheslines.  When Morrison tries to sneak a cheap shot, Hornswoggle stops him and distracts Miz, letting Finlay muscle out a Celtic Cross for the win. 


Winner:  Finlay


What stood out:  The lack of jokes in my recap.  This match bored my ass to tears, end of story.  And when my ass starts producing tears, you know I need to get to the proctologist!  BOO-YA, back in the game baby!



Browntista’s now begging to Teddy for his job, and gets put in a match with the next new superstar…Braden Walker!  Don’t know who that is!  Well, it’s not the worst made-up name WWE has churned out, that’s for sure.  I’ve watched enough TNA to know that it’s Chris Harris.  The giant gut was a dead giveaway.  Oh, and Walker introduces himself with a cheeseball knock knock joke.  Yep.  Starting your WWE career out with a bang, eh?



Recap of Raw now, focusing solely on the Main Event, and Kane’s yearly mental breakdown.  Is he alive or dead?  Sorry man, I’m pretty sure daddy Paul Bearer’s a goner, still sitting pretty in that cement casket your brother made for him, pretty much exactly 4 years ago.  God, what sacred animal did Glen Jacobs abuse as a kid to get stuck with such a shitty storyline?  Kind of makes you pine for the days of Issac Yankem and Fake Diesel, doesn’t it?  Yeah, I’m not that desperate either.



Armando Estrada Vs. Braden Walker


YEE-HAW!  That’s some good country cowboy music right there!  Sadly, Walker does not emulate Chuck Norris, as with a last name like that, you’d think it’d be a shoo in.


Once again, Armando in his veiny glory goes toe-to-toe with Braden from the start, thereby draining all heat from the match.  Look, Colin Delaney’s beat him; motherfucker’s got no credibility whatsoever at this point.  Walker turns it around when the fatty flies with a cross body, which is impressive.  Dude’s big.  When big guys take to the air, it’s ALWAYS impressive.  So impressive, Braden does it again, except off the top rope from the win.  Quick note though, as Armando took that so bad I was almost seeing paralysis in his future.  It was BAD.


Winner:  Braden Walker


What stood out:  Basically, it was a trade of charisma for wrestling ability between Atlas Ortiz and Braden Walker.  He wrestled better than Atlas, but damn this guy’s a robot.  With a lot of fat.  Sorry, can’t get over that.  Oh, also, is getting a passable match out of Armando the litmus test for new talent now?  If so, expect all these new guys to be disappearing in



Saba Simba in the house (staring strangely at the camera)!  Though, considering Tony Atlas wasn’t convinced ECW was even a TV show, he must just be wondering why a TV camera was there at all.  Sorry for the confusion.  Anyway, Atlas gets designated guest announcer for the Main Event, essentially admitting he’s poor in the process.  Yes, Tony, everyone can use a payday.  Unless you’re successful and save your money up so you can retire.  I saw that episode of True Life.  Get back to eating your eggs, bitch.


Anyway, after talking with Teddy Long, Mark Henry shows up to put Tony over for a bit, before saying blah blah I’m the world’s strongest man WE GET IT. 



Lena Yada now with Atlas Ortiz, now immediately changing his name to Ricky Ortiz.  Evan Bourne syndrome running wild!  Short promo stating how he’s undefeated.  I guess the point was to get his name change.  At least they attempted to explain this one.



Sentimental music video now for Matt Hardy.  WWE’s video department makes anything look special, really.  I could give them a video of me taking a dump and they’d make it look special.  Just need some sappy music behind it.  LEAVE THE MEMORIES ALONE.



Tony Atlas is basically taking the entire show over now, meeting up with Tommy Dreamer and Colin Delaney.  Colin and Tommy then proceed to put over Tony too.   Damn, I guess the deal to get him on the show was for the collective roster to fellate him.  Oh well, smile like a donut fellas!



Nunzio Vs. Evan Bourne


Man, where were you last week?  This show instantly got better, and I haven’t even seen the match yet.


Bourne is all over Nunzio right from the start, as these two proceed to put on quite the display.  It’s like a cruiserweight fight, but that it might have a point!  Maybe!  Nunzio eventually slows things down by working the back of Evan, but that doesn’t last long, as Evan seems to forgo using his hands for the ENTIRE MATCH, hitting kicks and knees and hurricanranas and you get the idea.  Shooting Star Press soon after ends this one.


Winner:  Evan Bourne


What stood out:  Two things.  One, Evan’s arms took a serious backseat in this match, as it was like a damn soccer match in there.  Also, the SSP never fails to get the crowd to their feet.  He’s basically getting over simply on ability.  At least, that’s what it seems like to me, but what do I know?



Tony Atlas FUCKING AGAIN with Mark Henry.  God damn man, HHH and Cena are blushing right now.  Anyway, Mizark tells Tony if he wants some more money, he can carry his bags after the show.  Don’t do it man, you’ll just break even with all the soap you’d need to buy to wash Henry’s stank off you.  Skunk musk is easier to get off.



Finally, out for the Main Event, Atlas is out to apparently…the Tonight Show’s theme song?  Honestly, it sounds about spot on – either that or Saturday Night Live.  Anyway, Tony shows his mastery of the English language, announcing Mark Henry as  “the strongest man in the world, the world’s strongest man, Mark Henry.”  Thankfully, he doesn’t fuck up Tommy’s intro nearly as much.


Mark Henry Vs. Tommy Dreamer


The walking WWE PPV ad takes it to Mark Henry at the start, but the “Dream Machine” (blame Adamle) goes down early to a chest bump from Mizark.  Basically, Henry works Dreamer for a few minutes, until Colin tries to distract Henry.  This makes Mark give chase, but Tony Atlas tries to stop him.  However, this leads to the SWERVE as Atlas pops Colin.  Dreamer comes outside to try to talk to Tony, but all this gets him is a World’s Strongest Slam on the floor.  This gets a Double Count-Out.  Yay.


Winner:  TONY ATLAS!  Why not?  He’s done everything else on this damn show…


What stood out:  WWE Legend Heel Turn!  Curious to see where this is going, but maybe he’s passing the torch from one generation of giant non-working black men to the next?  Maybe he’s pissed that the Punk he tried to chew out in OVW is now the WHC, and he’s taking out on the brand that spawned him?  Maybe he really needs that bag carrying money?  I don’t know!


Tony Atlas announces Mark Henry as the winner of the match, as the crowd boos heartily.  Whether it’s because of the heel shenanigans, or because they just spent an hour to see a bullshit main event finish, is currently undetermined.  THE END.



Uppers:  Chris Harris, to my knowledge, is a pretty steady hand in the ring, so it can’t hurt to get him on this show.  Also, Evan Bourne and Nunzio was actually not too bad a match, even though it was quick and the winner was determined about 1 second in.  The main event, while a shit match, did pose some intriguing possibilities.  And…that’s all I got.


Downers:  Ok, where to start.  Like I said, main event was shit.  In addition to that, the opener bored me, and Chris Harris’s match was very meh.  What else…hmmm.  Way too much backstage and recap action?  Tony Atlas basically taking over the entire show?  Hornswoggle being on my TV at all still?  What else could’ve gone wrong here?  Damn.


Overall:  This show was pretty God awful, plain and simple.  It feels like ECW is constantly building possibilities for the future, but they are kind of forgetting one important thing.  THE PRESENT.  Also, if Tony Atlas is going to be Henry’s mouthpiece from now on, I only hope he gets him some diction lessons, and fast.  What, Mushmouth wasn’t available for booking?  What, he’s a fictional character?  Reality depresses me.  It’s a shame though, as Raw and ECW were both good shit last week, and this week both were just head scratchingly terrible.  ECW can get on the right track, as it looks like they’re building for it, but the sooner the better in this humble recapper’s eyes.  I do like my sanity, you know.


And, as usual, I’m Neil McGilloway, and assuming I’m not fired, ‘til next week.  No, this does not get old for me.



Well, time to throw you guys a curveball.  See, I assume all Raw goings-on are going to be re-shown on tonight’s show anyway, so why talk about it here?  Because this is a wrestling website?  Fuck that!  I’m going to talk about video games instead.  Yep.  Now, anyone who knows me would know that I focus my gaming on my PS3 right now.  I am in a FOUL mood from what I’ve read from E3, no joke.  Obviously, I haven’t seen it live or anything, but what I read from Sony’s conference was absolute balls.  MAG may seem cool, but Jesus Christ, what else was there?  Some teaser trailers of games not arriving for a long, LONG time?  PS2 and PSP crap?  Come on.  Sadly I was at work, as violent outbursts are frowned upon. So very, very sad.  I’m done with this crap.  I’ll admit it, currently Sony sucks.  OK, NOW I’m done.  Let’s get this show on the road.


Still standing here in Charlotte!  And we open with Tony Atlas essentially completely taking over the show last week.  Ah, good times, good times.  Taz brings out Henry and Atlas now, who hilariously are both sweating.  Man, these two have more in common than I thought!  Tony after his gloating about last week (hard to see, I’m sure, but I assure you he was speaking English!), presents a number of…wait for it…FRYING PANS.  Yes, the ring is littered with frying pans right now.  Tony brings in a plant to try his luck at bending it, until Mizark SHOWS EVERYONE HOW IT’S DONE.  And why not?  He has so much experience with fried food that a frying pan is like how a dog would be to a normal person.  It’s World’s Strongest Man’s best friend.  Tommy’s now out to try his luck!  Oh, and apparently they have a title match on Sunday.  First I heard of this.  Obviously, because he’s not the WORLD’S STRONGEST MAN, he can’t do it, so he settles for busting it over Mark’s head.  Also, Beulah must need a new pan for steak and eggs, as Tommy gets him some free cookware, quickly scooping the pan up after dropping it then getting the fuck out of there.  My horseshit aside, I can definitely say that showing the finer points of panbending (a new major at Harvard I hear – OK I’ll stop) made for a fairly decent opening segment.  Though I don’t think it should have eaten up a quarter of the show.  Damn Mark, bend those pans quicker.



Mike Knox Vs. Shannon Moore.


Wow, I wonder how this one will go.


Short story – Shannon manages to hold his own, getting a two off a top rope hurricanrana.  But, backbreaker to Knox Out wins this one.


Winner:  Mike Knox


What Stood Out:  This was a squash?  I am shocked for one.  I certainly thought Mike Knox Vs. Shannon Moore would be a hotly contested and competitive affair…



Recap of Raw.  Quick thoughts on the show – opening minutes I felt like I was having a seizure with all of the randomness in the first ten minutes, Punk is continuing his look like a bitch ways (did you learn NOTHING from Rey Mysterio?), and I don’t know why everyone was so up in arms about the ending.  I thought it was HILARIOUS (mainly due to the terrible edit job).  Shame that they said Cena didn’t get hit.  I would’ve loved to hear him get hit, then have Creative find a way to explain how he’s still having a match six days later.  I would instantly buy this PPV if Cena came out in all bandages, mummy/The Yeti style.  Watching tubby JBL fight THAT in a parking lot is just fucking MONEY.



Did you know that these shameless self-advertisements are really annoying the shit out of me?  Well, now you do.



Chavo Guerrero w/ BAM NEELY Vs.  Evan Bourne


Now, this I like.  Pairing Bourne up with guys that can keep up with his high-flying style lets this guy really show off his skills.  His Picture-in-Picture promos as he walks out?  Not so much.


Even from the start, Chavito takes over when he pushes Evan off the top rope, where he proceeds to bash his face on the apron.  Ouch.  Soon after, Chavo, showing that he’s left pretty much all of his lucha offense in WCW, settles for some punches and rest holds.  Evan gets out, and proceeds to not use his hands AGAIN.  Shortly after is a NICE standing moonsault for two.  Chavo goes for a splash off the top, gets knees to the gut, and a PPSSP (Picture Perfect Shooting Star Press) for the loss.


Winner:  Evan Bourne


What Stood Out:  Evan looks great as usual (and I say this as a perfectly straight man), but a question arises about BAM.  Why was he even out there?  If he sees his man about to lose, shouldn’t he try to do, umm, something?  Just throwing it out there.  Seriously, this guy did nothing but emote.  Very sad.



Colin Delaney is chilling in the back with Generic Blonde Tiffany, when Tony Atlas and Mark Henry proceed to shoo the girl away, and Mark gives Colin a big old’ hug!  Awww.  Or it was a bear hug, intended to hurt him.  Well shit.  I thought we’d be seeing some racial unity for once!  Tiffany comes back from wherever she was (hopefully making waffles.  I could sure go for some right about now) to continue being generic.



Another recap of Raw, focusing on CM Punk being a bitch.  And to cap off how much faith the higher-ups have in his reign, they STILL haven’t gotten a picture to use for the PPV rundown other than the title being OBVIOUSLY photoshopped onto an existing picture.  Come on, it’s been 2 weeks, take a damn picture.  Didn’t have time for something that would take like, oh, 5 minutes?



John Morrison and The Miz Vs. Matt Hardy and Jeff Hardy


Hmm, ECW/SD! coming to Philly next week.  I’m guessing this was the one I said a while ago that Rey Mysterio would be fighting Edge on.  Somehow, I don’t quite think that’s going to happen now.  Should I go?  If I did, you’d miss my recap for the first time since I started doing this, and I know how much you’d hate THAT.  Decisions, Decisions…No, can’t do it.  I’m about one month from being broke off my ass, so I have to save the cash where I can.  Oh, and looks like they’re giving this match some serious time, as they came out at about 10:40.  This gives me hope.


Out of commercial, the match is already underway.  Strike one, fellas.  As it should be, the match starts out very slowly, with Miz and Matt having a quick roll around with some amateur stuff.  It’s passable.  Matt tags in Jeff, whose offense leaves me in pure ecstasy!  I mean, there’s hardly a crack in his moves!  He loves coke.  OK, that last one wasn’t as good.  Oh, and since there’s an actual match going on, Jeff tags Matt back in, who proceeds to get his ass kicked.  Side Russian Legsweep buys him some time though, and gets Jeff back in the ring.  Jeff EXPLODES (like a meth lab in his trailer) out of the corner onto the tag champs, hitting some poetry in motion on Miz in the process.  Swanton gets interrupted with Morrison dragging Miz out of the ring as we take a commercial break.  No joke, this shit is hard to keep up with sometimes.


Man, that break was long.  We come back with Jeff getting humbled Iron Sheik style, and Adamle, when not being a general retard, does quite the good job of selling the goodness of the match.  Also (seeing how this rest hold is taking a while and I have time), Hardys are getting the big pops tonight, but seeing how they’re in the Carolinas, I mean, does that surprise anyone?  Champs are taking turns on Jeff, with highlights being extended hot tag teases, Miz crotching himself on the turnbuckle with his clothesline (always a good note to any ECW episode), and a Whisper in the Wind giving Jeff time to tag in Matt finally, after probably 8 minutes of getting his ass handed to him.  Matt destroys everyone in his path, but gets hit with a hotshot to stop him in his tracks.  Matt is really looking awesome here, as he stops Morrison from doing a top rope into a crucifixsymbol powerbomb for two.  Miz gets a Side Effect, letting Morrison sneak in with a Moonlight Drive, but then he gets SWANTON’D, letting the Hardys pick up the three in the chaos.


Winner:  Hardys


What Stood Out:  Fantastically paced match, and for what we saw (as commercials took out a pretty huge chunk of the match), I really enjoyed this.  Plus, crucifix powerbombs get me hard.  Don’t look at me like that.  Though, commercials ruining long matches need to stop.


Post-match, Matt and Jeff celebrate with the kiddies.  Hey, you earned it.  Have a needle on me Jeff.  THE END.



Uppers:  Atlas was only in 2 segments this week, as opposed to the 500,000 from last week.  Since I’m in the “Tony Atlas Sucks” camp, this is a positive to me.  Main Event was a good match, so points there too.  Crowd noise was very good tonight too, and considering the last time WWE was in the Carolinas, the crowd effectively destroyed Jericho’s return, I was impressed that everyone got good heat.  Even Mike Knox, to an extent.  Really.  I was entertained, and that counts for something, right?


Downers:  This show felt a little…short this week.  Maybe having everything flow correctly for once made the show go by quicker?  I don’t know.  Also, I have to deck this show a few points for the lack of wrestling.  We didn’t need two recaps of Raw, and only three matches, with two being over in under 3 minutes, does not make Neil happy in his pants.  Also, no Ricky Ortiz or Braden Walker?  WHAT THE HELL MAN?!


Overall:  Main event saved the show a bit, as until then, a show where wrestling should logically (as it’s one third the title) be featured, it was taking a serious dirt nap.  Though if you liked hulking black men bending frying pans, well, THIS WAS THE SHOW FOR YOU. 


Short-ish report this week.  I’m Neil McGilloway, and assuming I’m not fired, ‘til next week.




Hello there folks, and welcome back to the ECW Report – clinically proven to be unhealthier than suicide.  If that’s the case, I must be fucking immortal!  Why that sounds sweet, I guess I’ll have to keep a lookout for guys with broadswords now…crap. 


First off, I have something to get off my chest.  For the life of me, I don’t know how Batista is still getting cheered at this point.  I am of the mindset that faces are the ones that can be some sort of role model, or relate to the fan in some regard.  Hogan, Cena, Stone Cold, The Rock, and Bret Hart all had qualities to make them good faces.  Batista though?  What does he bring to the table, really?  As a face, he sure has a funny way of showing he’s a good guy, seeing how he treats everyone else like shit (see Jamie Noble last night, or CM Punk last week/last Sunday), and acts like a dick in general.  So, what lessons is he teaching the kids?  Get big so you can boss around everyone else?  Sounds like it to me.  Plus, just LOOK at the guy:


Does that look like a good guy to you?  Does that even look NATURAL?  Remotely?  Turn this fuckhead heel already, because all he is to me is some roid-raging grandpa that has his spot because apparently the fans LOVE suit-wearing dicks, and HHH is on SmackDown now.  I hate people sometimes. 


Now, let’s switch to some Philadelphia-related content, shall we?  Namely, ol’ Sandman’s drinking is getting him in some hot water again, as he thought chucking glasses at policemen would be a good idea, and now faces felony assault charges as a result.  Whoopsie!  Would being sodomized by a Singapore cane be a case of poetic justice?  Who knows, but to me, it’d strangely be hilarious.  Come on Sandman, you’re giving Philadelphians a bad image.  Nevermind the high crime rate, obesity, terrible dental work, and rampaging poverty.  Drinking gone wrong is the worst!


Also, Uncle Neil’s got a treat for you.  Seeing how tonight’s show is in Philadelphia, (ex) tag champs Miz and Morrison stopped into the local radio show for a half kayfabe interview.  Considering the radio show know pretty much NOTHING about WWE at all, it’s rather humorous that John Morrison is able to pawn that off as his real name.  Anyway, the interview makes the two seem less retarded, but not by much.  Here’s the entire show from that day, with the interview starting at about the 1-hour mark:




Give it a listen; I’ll still be here when you’re done.  Waiting.  Longing for you.  So, how about we get this show on the road, eh?



Still standing here in Philadelphia!  Jesus, I just fucking told you that!  Will I regret not going to this show?  Well, let’s find out together, shall we?  Teddy’s out to start the show, with a very shiny new belt for the ECW champ, Mark Henry.  It’s pretty nice looking, but don’t think I didn’t notice how it said World Wrestling Entertainment above where it says ECW.  Ah, I loves me some conspiracy theories.  Also, it’s pretty fucking big.  Mark and Tony are out now, and Henry looks pretty damn happy to have his new toy.  A silver belt for that silver back?  You better believe it.  Saba Simba puts over the champ as usual, making thinly veiled jabs at the old ECW in the process.  Ah, so nice.  Tony then brings out THAT DASTARDLY HEEL Colin Delaney, who still has his titantron of getting his ass handed to him.  Everyone was asking him why?  Somehow, SOMEHOW, I find that hard to believe.  Philly fans rock, as they can’t stand this bullshit right out of the gate, though they use the what chants, which make me die a little on the inside.  Anyway, Colin’s reason was simply that palling with Tommy was resulting in him getting the shit kicked out of him on a weekly basis, ending with a line that will always make me laugh, saying something to the effect of that Tommy Dreamer was the past, but TONY ATLAS AND MARK HENRY were the future.  Ummm, yeah.  This results in Teddy making an immediate match between Colin and Tommy, as Tony and Mark take a hike, to be dicks I suppose.


Tommy Dreamer Vs. Colin Delaney


Predictably, Tommy is all over Colin at the onset of the match, getting some mild ECW chants for the remaining faithful WWE has yet to kill off.  Touching.  Colin gets the upper hand for a short time, which is hilarious, as Tommy selling his offense really busts that whole “suspension of disbelief” thing wide open.  Guy looks like a stray wind could shatter his spine.  Tommy quickly recovers and spikes Colin with the DDT for the three.


Winner:  Tommy Dreamer


What stood out:  Tommy gets his first win in like, what, six months?



TO THE BACK now, where Miz and Morrison discuss the main event tonight, where the winner gets #1 contendership status for Summerslam.  I have to say, these guys are growing on me.  May the Buddha of luck sit in your corner tonight?  The hell?  Also, apparently their credentials to the contendership would include Miz’s hat, and Morrison’s Farm-raised Jackal fur coat.  Man, with credentials like that, Morrison should just jump to Raw and get the world title from CM Punk!  Come on, everyone’s doing it.



Chavo and BAM NEELY come down to commentate on the next match.  Ok, Chavo commentates, while BAM stands around being useless.


Evan Bourne Vs. James Curtis


Hmm, I wonder who’s winning this one?  Such a mystery…


Evan’s streak of non-arm offense comes to a halt, going for an armbar on Curtis, which is quickly broken.  Jobber #373 gets a few over Evan here and there, and this match is surprisingly back and forth.  I mean I get that he’s not a monster or anything, but doing worse against some random douche than against a former ECW champ is pretty awful.  Anyway, this is ended pretty soon, with a PPSSP getting the three.


Winner:  Evan Bourne


What stood out:  Many things, actually.  First, like I said, Evan should not be doing worse against some jobber, no matter how huge he is.  Second, Chavo on commentary was pretty yawncore, as while he did put over Evan’s merits here and there, but really stayed silent for most of the match.  Finally, fans pop for the Shooting Star Press.  I think all Evan’s gimmick needs to be is him randomly SSP’ing people.  Don’t you dare ever lie flat on your back, because Evan will be there!  Come on, tell me you wouldn’t love this:


Crew member:  “Man, setting up that ring was tough work, I need to go rest up for later.  Ahhhh, a bed, I’ll just lay down here and…”




Evan Bourne:  “Airbourne strikes again!  Fuck that stupid band with the same name!”


Post match, BAM and Chavo try to beat down Evan, but Bourne gives them both the slip.  Really, that’s all that happened.



TO THE BACK again, with team Irish doing witty banter or something.  Don’t care, moving on.



Recap of Raw, focusing on the world title match.  I love how CM got booted out of the ring after the match was over, and never recovered.  JBL might as well have gone for the gusto, and said, “out of the ring boy, let the REAL main eventers do their job.”  Maybe some anal rape to really drive the point home.  Credibility, thy name is not CM Punk.



Generic Blonde Tiffany talking with Ricky Ortiz now, where Teddy comes barging in.  Gotta pay for them hoes, playa.  Ricky gets put in a match for next week, after discussing the finer points of football, and merchandising.  This leads to a video package, for some reason, of Mike Knox.  Wrestling – so easy, a caveman can do it.  Right after that, ANOTHER segment, with Matt Hardy hyping up the main event, doing a good job in the process.  I do like how they’ve been hyping this 4-way up all night long, as it makes a match on ECW seem IMPORTANT.  Hard to believe, I know, but hey, anything is possible in the WWE!  I said it, OK?  Now where’s my residual check?



The Miz Vs. Finlay w/ Hornswoggle Vs. John Morrison Vs. Matt Hardy, Fatal 4-Way for the #1 Contendership for the ECW Title


Seeing how this whole thing started at 10:40, they had to blow about 7 minutes just on introductions.  Can’t just have a long match, can we?  What’s that? We had one last week?  Well, heavy drinking took care of that memory.


After the opening tussle, Miz and Morrison go take the obligatory 10-minute nap on the outside, as Matt and Finlay stiff the hell out of each other.  The ex champs then roll in to break that up, and I can tell that fully recapping this one is going to be an exercise in futility.  So, no blow by blow for you!  Morrison and Hardy pair off, with Miz and Finlay going at it as well.  There’s so much going on that with people going for pins (mainly Hardy and Finlay trying to pin their “partners” in this case), the ref gets confused, so the count comes extremely late.  Nice little touch. 


Back from commercial, Miz and Morrison get their targeting arrows point to Hardy and Finlay, respectively.  Double clothesline takes Hardy and Miz down for a while, while Morrison finally manages to avoid Finlay’s apron trick, putting him down with a dropkick to the outside.  Spilling over into the crowd, Morrison uses a fan’s beer (IRONY) to help incapacitate the Irish man, as Miz assists with some nice double teaming to put Finlay down for a while.  Hardy is holding his own against the ex champs, with roll-ups all around, eventually climaxing with a Side Effect for two.  Finlay rolls back in for a Celtic Cross that gets broken up, and it’s PANDEMONIUM.  Seriously, this match is crazy.  Finally, after like 5 minutes of this ridiculous pace, Matt Hardy catches Morrison coming off the ropes with a boot to the gut, leading to the TWIST OF FATE OUTTA NOWHERE for the win.  Sheesh.


Winner:  Matt Hardy


What stood out:  Holy crap, this match was crazy.  I really hope they don’t do another one for a while, simply because this match was damn near impossible to recap.  However, that being said, it was a great match.  What stood out was the desperation.  It was sudden pins and breakups galore in this match, which was helped by both audience and performer to sell the drama.  In the end though, it went to the right guy.  Now if Hardy can get a decent match out of Mark Henry at Summerslam, this guy will be a straight up GOD in my book.  OHHHHH YEAHHHHH~! Ok, I’ll stop now.


Mark Henry and Tony Atlas come out on the ramp after the match is over, scoping out their next opponent.  Or their next meal.  With Matt looking as white as a cooked chicken, you never know.  THE END.



Uppers:  Everyone was on their game tonight, match-wise.  Tommy and Colin was good for the nostalgia pop, Evan’s high flying got the crowd going some more, and the frantic main event, which both got time and great performances from all, got a good pop from the crowd when Matt Hardy won.  As far as no-bullshit wrestling is concerned in the WWE, ECW is on track to becoming the top show in that category.  And no, I’m not crazy.  Come on, the last SmackDown was almost nothing but wedding-related shit, and Raw wasn’t too much better.  Look deep, you’ll know it’s true.


Downers:  The main problem with the wrestling tonight was simply, there were only three matches.  Outside of the main event, neither went too long.  So, how did they fill that up?  A video highlight reel of MIKE KNOX.  While the players in the main event tonight did their job hyping it up nicely, everything else just seemed like unnecessary fluff.  A little here, and a little there, the matches could’ve gotten some more time.  For MY vision of what ECW should be (mas wrestling por favor), this would make me a happy camper.  Judging by the crowd tonight, they wouldn’t mind either.  They were pretty fucking dead for Colin in the opening segment, that’s for sure.


Overall:  Fine show tonight, as I am interested in how they build Hardy Vs. Henry, as they have a decent amount of time before Summerslam.  Compared to the rapid-fire nature of the past few PPVs, they could build some interest in this match.  Really.  Of course, it’ll still go on first or second in the card like it always does, but at least it’ll mean something this time. 



I’m Neil McGilloway, and assuming I’m not fired, ‘til next week.



Hey, I didn’t see Raw last night.  Did I miss something important?


Just kidding.  Of course I saw Raw last night!  Allow you to provide my review of the show:




Oh that was good.  Adamle’s off my show, and I couldn’t be happier.  After laughing, I couldn’t help but let out a William Wallace-esque FREEEEEEEEEDOM!!!!!  My roommates don’t look at me the same now.  I don’t know what the big deal is.  Sure, I can agree that MIKE FUCKING ADAMLE wouldn’t have been my first choice for such a prominent role.  The DC crowd certainly agreed, because the White House being blown up would’ve garnered more noise than that announcement.  But, allow me to play Devil’s Advocate for a second.  You don’t know where they’re going with it yet.  It could be entertaining, and it could be over by September – you don’t know!  So quit your bitching, and just watch.  If that doesn’t satisfy you, think of the positives.  What role do you think has less actual exposure to Adamle?   Play-by-play commentator that you have to hear for an hour a week, or GM that you see maybe…10 minutes a show?  And if that doesn’t work, blame THIS GUY:



Have fun with Raw, Cameron!  I’m going to get me some Scooby Snacks.



Still standing here in Hershey, PA!  Man, I could sure go for some Reese’s Pieces right about now.  Or a Whatchamacallit.  Damn those things were good.  And who’s Adamle’s replacement?  5-YEAR VETERAN TARD GRISHAM.  Normally I’d weep over this change, but come on, Jim Duggan’s 2x4 would’ve been a suitable replacement for Adamle.  Matt Hardy’s out now, looking like he dipped into Hulk Hogan’s stash of instant spray tan.  Bruther’s looking orange as fuck.  After a minute of blatantly kissing ass to the crowd and ECW, Mark Henry and Tony Atlas are now out.  And, in what can only be described as a modern day miracle, Mark Henry is wearing the belt around his huge-ass waist.  Really!  So, Mushmouth’s on the mic, noting how both Matt and Mark were both drafted, but that Matt’s done nothing since getting to ECW.  Besides pop ratings, and be a draw, yeah, sure, nothing.  Time for another Mark Henry test of strength, this time bending a steel bar, which looked like a piece of copper tubing at first.  So, I suspect something is up.  Next you’ll tell me Mark Henry really isn’t the world’s strongest man!  Hardy channels Batista’s school of promo-ology, retorting with “Bars don’t fight back, Ah (I) fight back.”  Oh, that wacky southern drawl.  JR would be proud.  Oh, I forgot to mention Atlas wouldn’t shut the fuck up at any point during this segment.  Quantity doesn’t equal quality, clearly.



Chavo Guerrero w/ BAM NEELY Vs. Ricky Ortiz


Hope Ricky spent the last few weeks learning a better move than a dropkick.


Just like last time I saw the guy, he manages to get some chants going, but once the bell rings, my eyes start bleeding.  Come on man, when it takes nearly a minute to gorilla press slam probably the lightest guy you’ll fight, you need to work on those fundamentals.  Chavo eventually takes over with some restholds, but Ricky comes back with right hands and THE BEST DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS (Holly gave it up when he went missing, deal with it).  However, Chavo tries to get a dreaded rollup with the feet on the ropes (with help from BAM), but the ref sees it, so DQ for Chavo!


Winner:  Ricky Ortiz


What stood out:  God this match was boring.


Post-bell, BAM and Chavo beat on Ricky, with NEELY hitting a full nelson slam, and Chavo hitting a frog splash.  Evan Bourne runs in for the save, hitting a springboard dropkick on Chavo then making a run for it when BAM notices.  Not really a good way to save Ricky, man.  I mean, you hit and run – what’s to stop them from just going “Oh well,” then continuing the beating on Ortiz?  Dumbass.  Oh, also, Tard might be following in Adamle’s footsteps more than I thought, by saying at the end “Bourne’s a thorn in Chavo’s side.”  IT RHYMES, GET IT? LOLZ.  Kill me.



John Morrison and The Miz Vs. Finlay and Hornswoggle


Morrison makes me a fan before the match starts, slapping a snap bracelet on a nearby toolbag.  First of all, bringing fucking snap bracelets out of retirement is hilarious enough, but the bracelet says LOSER on it.  Morrison has one on saying WINNER.  It’s little things like that that get me.


Miz and Finlay go toe to toe at the start, until Miz gets Finlay into his corner, leading to some quick double teams.  This results in, for a moment, FINLAY BEING THE FACE IN PERIL for this match.  Let that one simmer for a bit.  Hornswoggle comes in for the save, by playing both stoop for Miz to be pushed over, and battering ram to Morrison’s groin.  Sometimes I feel really sorry for these guys, having to sell for that midget.  They’re better men than I.


Back from break, Finlay has Morrison in a fine ortonlock, then a single leg Boston crab.  Next, he takes a page out of Umaga’s playbook, putting in a loooooong nerve pinch.  Yawn.  Morrison turns things around by shoving Finlay into the post, which Finlay VERY obviously steps on the stairs to make it sound like it made more of an impact.  Back to face in peril Finlay, for a moment anyway, before Finlay runs wild on the former champs.  However, this is all for nothing, as the end of this match is nothing short of GOLD.  Hornswoggle blind tags in, and tries to headscissors Morrison.  Morrison then stops, thinks “why the fuck am I selling for this retard,” and promptly faceplants Hornswoggle for the three.


Winner:  John Morrison and The Miz


What stood out:  I guess it was an OK match, but the end had me cracking up.  Oh, and the humor didn’t stop there…


After the match, RANDOM CAVEMAN ATTACK!  Mike Knox slides in and goes off on team Irish, culminating with a bicycle kick to Finlay.  Couldn’t have happened to a nicer collective waste of life.  God I hope this gets the midget out of the ring for a while.



Lena Yada proves to have a use, catching Knox backstage and asking him WHY, MIKE, WHY?  Mike essentially channels the entire IWC on this one, saying Finlay dancing with midgets is ridiculous, making him a target, with Mike being YOUR CAVEMAN ASSASSIN.  Oh, also, Mike Knox should not talk.  He was reaching near-Mike Tyson pitch in this promo.



Elsewhere in the back, Matt Hardy gets protection from Braden Walker.  Also, they make jokes about Colin Delaney (his opponent tonight).  See, he’s small and skinny.  Har.  Also also, Matt didn’t know Braden’s name.  But he’s in the prestigious club that beat Armando Estrada!  Surely that counts for something!



Matt Hardy Vs. Colin Delaney


Recap of the Colin Saga, which WWE editors proceed to get probably a record for false advertising.  Essentially, they made it look like Colin’s turn was what was getting all the boos at the GAB, as opposed to, say, the crowd being dead for the match, or rampantly booing for paying money to see a match between Mark Henry and Tommy Dreamer.  Nope.  Colin turning was money!


Anyway, all Colin got in was a side headlock, and that was it.  Punches, elbows, Side Effect, Twist of Fate, over.


Winner:  Matt Hardy


What stood out:  Colin Delaney getting that sweet Main Event payoff.  If I were him, I’d be saving that money, since I can bet his ass being unemployed in a month or two.  We get it.  He’s small and skinny.  He’s the Santino of ECW, only, you know, not at all entertaining.  By the way, Braden Walker is a Goddamn liar, as he was nowhere to be seen for this entire match.


Mark Henry comes down after the match, and (Silverback) Gorilla Presses Colin right out of the ring.  And, that’s it.  Go home and eat some chocolate.  THE END.



Uppers:  No Raw Recaps, for one.  That seems like a first to me.  In general, there was a lack of extra bullshit on this episode.  Pretty much everyone important got at least some face time, along with being built correctly, and I can’t complain about that.


Downers:  What I CAN complain about are the matches.  Sorry, maybe it’s me.  Maybe I’m on my period and I’m cranky.  But DAMN the matches bored me tonight.  Hornswoggle has ruined Finlay for me so much that I immediately can’t get into any match that they’re in, and Oritz needs to wear green to the ring from now on, just to warn the opponents beforehand.  Maybe tattoo one big star on his chest, to make it easier to rate how high his matches are getting?  So what if he objects, HE’S UNDER CONTRACT!  Oh, and Colin gets squashed again.  What a gripping main event!


Overall:  I can appreciate the build for ECW and their match at Summerslam, but tonight’s show didn’t do it for me.  Hornswoggle getting planted like the pile of shit he is did get me cackling, but really, that was about it.  Will the upward ratings trend for ECW continue?  Not if all the shows are snoozers like this one. 



I’m Neil McGilloway, and assuming I’m not fired, ‘til next week.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).