Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

ECW: The Next Generation
By GERSHON LEVY
(July 2007 Archives.)
 

Navigation:
July 03, 2007
July 10, 2007
July 17, 2007
July 24, 2007
July 31, 2007

(07/03/07)
 
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Twilight Zone marathon for Depleted Roster Wrestling!  Seriously, this show was on all day then ECW comes on and then it’s on again for a full 24 hours (with the exception of three hours of infomercials…..set it and forget it!).  Anyone think the die hard fans of this show are gonna be confused?  Then again, what happened last week was so bizarre and shocking that it probably could have been a Twilight Zone episode.  It was an episode that only aired once and was then thrown in the vault forever.  You know, kind of like Disney movies.
 
Well at the start of the show they almost started another episode of Twilight Zone but then it cut off to a new opening for ECW with the generic theme.  Guess Drowning Pool is done with royalties and my intro statement is no longer valid.  So Johnny Nitro starts us off.  This is the first of two “Pick Your Poison” matches by Nitro and CM Punk.  Punk will get Kevin Thorn later on, and Nitro gets Tommy Dreamer.
 
Tommy Dreamer vs ECW Champion Johnny Nitro
 
Dreamer takes early control with a slam but Nitro fights back with a kick to the face.  He goes to the top but Tommy knocks him off.  Dreamer uses the advantage to lock in an abdominal stretch and rolls it to a pin but only gets a one count.  Back breaker and Dreamer tries for another pin for two.  Back on their feet, Nitro hits a flying arm bar and continues to work on the arm.  Dreamer manages to come back and hits a clothesline that takes both men over the top rope.  Back on the apron, Dreamer tries for a suplex but gets his head snapped instead and then Nitro hits a dropkick that knocks Tommy to the floor.
 
After a commercial, Nitro is continuing to work on Dreamer’s arm.  He does even more damage using his knee to drive Dreamer’s arm into the mat from the second rope.  Nitro misses a springboard flying kick and Dreamer hits a clothesline.  Dreamer who is selling the arm injury very well, hits a fallaway slam then sets Nitro up in the Tree of Woe (sponsored by Joey Lawrence) and hits a dropkick.  Nitro counters the DDT with the Paparazzi Pop and gets the pin.
 
Winner: Johnny Nitro
 
The next few minutes are spent with a Raw Rebound, a Boogeyman video package then a CM Punk video package.  Thanks for saving me some valuable energy typing!
 
And Extreme Expose returns next week.  Hey Cameron, you got plans next Tuesday?
 
And now we get the Punk-Nitro match from Vengeance.  Man screw this, Joe recapped it already.
 
I figured out the reason this show is so lacking in “new material”.  They taped all three shows last night in Dallas and well, it’s hard enough to sit through Raw and Smackdown.  I should know, I’ve done it twice!
 
CM Punk is out (wasn’t he just on?) for the last match.  Kevin Thorn makes his entrance and we’re ready for our main event.
 
CM Punk vs. Kevin Thorn
 
Punk hits several kicks early on and puts on a front face lock.  Thorn breaks out and kicks Punk to the outside.  Thorn gets knocked down from the apron and Punk then hits a swanton bomb from the outside.  He then puts on an Orton Lock but Thorn breaks out and drops Punk on the ropes.  While Thorn gets Punk in a chin lock, I’d like to know why Kevin never bites on anyone’s neck.  That’s what every vampire does isn’t it?  Punk tries to break out but gets dropped.  Thorn goes to the second rope but gets caught by Punk’s feet on the way down.  Punk hits several kicks then the Pepsi One (sponsored by Coke….wait huh?) and the bulldog followed by a two count.  Punk goes to the top but Thorn catches him and goes for Original Sin but Punk breaks out of it and snaps Thorn’s head on the top rope and hits a flying clothesline from the top.  Punk tries for the Nyquil but Thorn breaks it and hits a Clothesline from Transylvania.  Thorn tries for the crucifix powerbomb (sponsored by some church) but Punk breaks it and hits an enziguiri and gets the pin.
 
Winner: CM Punk
 
Johnny Nitro comes out and with the distraction Thorn hits Punk from behind.  Punk hits a spinning heel kick and knocks Thorn out of the ring.  Nitro stays away from the ring and the cliché staredown takes place as we go off the air.
 
Extreme Moment: Punk-Thorn match was solid.
 
Not So Extreme Moment: All the package filler.  They could have done this show in a half hour.
 
I’d say go check out the new main page but you kind of had to if you wanted to read this.  That is unless you bookmark this page and really can’t blame you if you do.  So yeah, new main page and lots of good material to read from the past week.  Enjoy your 4th of July or for you non-Americans, Wednesday (and if you don’t do Wednesday, I got nothing for you).  Now hit my music!

 
 
Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.  Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!".  He also is filing a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.
 
(07/10/07)
 
I’d love to write a clever intro but that requires work, but WWE Creative can’t do it for an hour so why bother?
 
We got a new theme which sounds like Marilyn Manson and we are LIVE from Nawlins!  Tonight we get a rematch of Nitro and Dreamer, this time under EXTREEEEEEEEEME RULES!  More so because ECW has a THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN ROSTER!  Striker is in the ring in suit and tie and introduces the Boogeyman.  Striker presents him with a fishbowl full of worms which he of course treats like a fat person would a buffet.  Matt mentions that Boogeyman is eating worm eggs and his terrorizing is over.  Music hits and Big Vis comes out under the new name Big Daddy V.  He’s wearing pants and suspenders so his man titties are hanging out.  V throws Boogeyman through the desk then shatters the chalkboard.  Geez man, he makes Umaga’s man boobs look like Paris Hilton’s.
 
After a commercial, we get a video package for Triple H.  One of my all time favorite memories is when he tapped out at Wrestlemania XX to umm, who was that again?  I can remember him tapping to someone but for some reason I am drawing a blank as to who it was.  Maybe it never happened?
 
Elijah Burke is out next and many fans are shown giving the thumbs down.  Roger Ebert is apparently suing WWE for copyright infringement.  Balls Mahoney will be the opponent.
 
Elijah Burke vs. Balls Mahoney
 
Burke attacks in the corner quickly with some forearms.  Balls dodges one of them and does some Teabagging but Burke dodges the last one and hits a flurry of punches to the gut which knocks Balls down.  He then runs to the corner and using the ropes hits a sort of swanton bomb.  Balls breaks out of a headlock and hits a clothesline before doing some more Teabagging then a bodyslam.  He goes to the top but lands right on his ass.  Burke hits the Elijah Express but to the front of Balls and gets the pin.
 
Winner: Elijah Burke
 
After a commercial, CM Punk is out for a match against Stevie Richards.  These guys could probably get along pretty well if Stevie went back to his old Right to Censor gimmick.
 
CM Punk vs. Stevie Richards
 
After a quick flurry of moves between both guys, Nitro is shown watching from the back.  Punk hits an enziguri and only gets a two count.  Stevie comes back and kicks Punk in the back several times and Styles and Tazz get so amped up they think that will get the pin.  Not for nothing, you guys are overdoing it just a bit.  Stevie continues to dominate but Punk comes back and hits a couple cans of Pepsi One followed by a bulldog.  He then does a double arm suplex into a backbreaker but still can’t get the pin.  Richards is able to lock in a submission hold with his legs and Punk comes close to tapping but gets the rope.  Richards goes to the top and attempts a tornado DDT but Punk is able to counter into the Nyquil and gets the win.
 
Winner: CM Punk
 
The Miz is talking to Kelly and I just vomited in my mouth.  Brooke and Layla join them wanting to be introduced.  Miz tries to be all smooth but ends up being pretty chunky.  Did I mention I’m allergic to peanut butter?  You don’t care?  Well, neither do I about this segment.  Oh and the Miz is in action next, save me please.
 
The Miz comes out and he is from Cleveland.  NOW I know why they call it the Mistake by the Lake.  He’ll be facing Nunzio.  Is there a point to these matches if the winner is always predictable?
 
The Miz vs. Nunzio
 
I noticed Miz has MTV on his pants, umm I wonder if that could cause a lawsuit.  This match is making me very ill and not in the way the Beastie Boys do.  Since the only people who seem to care about this match are Extreme Expose (and even that must be acting), I’ll just tell you that Miz won with a swinging neckbreaker called The Mizard of Oz.  Wow, I can do better than that.  How about Mizery which is what I am in after watching this.
 
Winner: The Miz
 
Speaking of pointless segments, here’s Extreme Expose.  I’m gonna do my own dance (Cue “Axel F” by Harold Faltermeyer).  Hehehehehehehehe, hehehehehehehehe, hehehehehehe, and then another hehehehehe.  (Go to  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YAEsso5dDI to learn the moves).
 
Tommy Dreamer comes out with weapons.  You know maybe if they used street signs and cookie sheets in Iraq, they’d be having more success over there.  Johnny Nitro follows out and we are ready for our main event.
 
ECW Champion Johnny Nitro vs. Tommy Dreamer (EXTREEEEEEEEEEEME RULES!!!!)
 
Dreamer goes outside and throws Nitro into the ring barrier.  Nitro comes back and grabs a crutch inside the ring and misses with the swing.  Dreamer picks it up and packs a wallop with a few shots.  Nitro gets up and rams Dreamer’s shoulder into the corner post.  He then returns the favor with the crutch and breaks it in the process.  Nitro then kicks Dreamer in the back several times before Tommy pulls off a fall away slam.  Dreamer then sends him to the outside but has a taste of a street sign.  Outside, Nitro puts a chair around Dreamer’s neck and rams him into the post.  He then climbs the ring barrier and hits a corkscrew moonsault and gets a two count on the floor.  Back inside, Nitro climbs to the top but gets thrown off.  Nitro fights back and then goes for an attack in the corner but Dreamer ends up sending Nitro on the ropes on his cash and prizes and then hitting him with a trash can lid.  Tommy hits an inverted DDT, gets a two count, then goes to the second rope and misses.  Nitro climbs the ropes but Dreamer hits him in the back with a trash can lid.  He gets the trash can and puts the can on him (Recycled Tree of Woe?)  He then dropkicks the can followed by setting up the can in the opposite corner with a chair.  After several move reversals, Nitro gets a drop toe hold and Dreamer goes face first on the chair which is enough for the pin.
 
Winner: Johnny Nitro
 
Extreme Moment: Considering every match had a predictable winner, the Punk-Richards and Dreamer-Nitro matches were entertaining.
 
Not So Extreme Moment:  Hoo-rah!  It was bad enough when Kelly Squared had a thing for Punk, but now the Miz?  This is worse than Billy Kidman and Torrie Wilson.
 
Go read stuff!  It’s good for the environment.  For every TWF article you read, you save a tree.  How that is I don’t know, but that’s what I learned from Al Gore.  Now hit my music!

 
 
Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.  Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!".  He also is filing a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.
 
(07/17/07)
 
So here we are with the hard sell for the Great American Bash.  More like the hard cell, like a prison in my mind.  Wow that sounds so poetic.  Kiss my ass Lanny Poffo!
 
Just before I get to ECW, I knew there was going to be a new champion on Smackdown tonight because Edge is injured and instead of telling you myself who it is I’ll just direct you over to WWE.com and see for yourself.  I threw up in my mouth A LOT when I saw it.  Wait, don’t go now fuck-knuckle!
 
So the new ECW theme song is “This Is the New Shit” by Marilyn Manson (I was right on the artist).  Seriously, is that not the perfect song to describe ECW?  On that note, the shit hits the fan (booyah for new opening show catchphrases!) and we are LIVE from Laredo, Texas.  Tonight we get a press conference from Johnny Nitro which will apparently change ECW forever.  Well, I think thousands of fans changed the channel forever after viewing one episode of this show.  Some representative says tonight is the last night we will ever see Johnny Nitro on ECW.  Mmkay.  CM Punk makes his entrance to face Marcus Cor Von.  Oh wait, apparently Cor Von hit WWE with the Generic No Show of DEATH!  So instead he’s facing Elijah Burke.
 
CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke
 
Punk goes to work on Burke’s shoulder at the outset including some sharp kicks and ramming the shoulder into the turnbuckle.  Burke manages to come back but his suplex attempt is blocked and reversed by Punk.  He then goes back to the shoulder but Burke manages to pull them both over the top on to the floor and we go to commercial.
 
During the break, Burke did that move where he gains serious hang time and hits an elbow in the corner.  He then locks in a half Boston Crab.  He then adjusts to a full Boston Crab.  Punk comes close to tapping but manages to get to the ropes.  Punk then gets up and kicks Burke a few times.  Burke fights back and hits a shoulder block to the small of Punk’s back.  Burke continues to work on Punk’s back and hits a backbreaker.  After a few punches to the back, he hits a suplex.  Punk somehow manages to kick Burke a few times while lying down and when he gets up hits a couple clotheslines and a flapjack (sponsored by Aunt Jemima) then a stiff kick to the chest.  He tries for a suplex, but Burke counters to one of his own.  Punk then manages to hit a DDT, then Burke gets up and hits a German suplex and gets a two count.  He then hits a couple of clotheslines but Punk picks up Burke out of nowhere and hits the Nyquil and gets the pin.
 
Winner: CM Punk
 
Matt Striker is out next and it makes sense because he is the kind of teacher you end up with in summer school.  He rolls a clip of Big Daddy V (or as Martin Ferguson called him “One Man Gang Rape”).  Speaking of rolls, here he is!  His theme song should be “Do Your Boobs Hang Low?”
 
Big Daddy V vs. Tim Storm
 
In typical squash fashion, Big Daddy hits a splash in the corner then a Samoan Drop and a sidewalk slam followed by a pin.
 
Winner: Big Daddy V
 
After a commercial, the Miz is in the ring.  He hates to admit it, but he’s a chick magnet.  Dude, what you do with baby birds in your free time can be kept to yourself.  He then brings out Extreme Expose and well, at least they consolidate their shit on this show.
 
Tommy Dreamer is out next and he’ll be facing Kevin Thorn.  Is it me or every week do we have matches that remind us how small this show’s roster is?
 
Tommy Dreamer vs. Kevin Thorn
 
Thorn starts off with some aggressive punches but Dreamer fights back.  Thorn regains control and works on Dreamer’s shoulder.  Eventually Tommy avoids Thorn’s corner attack and hits a neckbreaker.  He goes to the top but Thoen catches him there and goes for a superplex but Thorn gets knocked off.  Dreamer hits a splash from the top but only gets two.  Thorn tries for a crucifix powerbomb but Dreamer counters and hits a clothesline.  Back up, Thorn throws Dreamer into the steel post and gets a three count.
 
Winner: Kevin Thorn
 
After the match, Thorn hits Original Sin and looks all intense and stuff.  In the back the press is still crowded around Nitro’s locker room.
 
Nitro’s rep is in the ring and says again that ECW will never see him again because he officially changed his name.  He is now known as John Morrison and well he does look a lot like Jim Morrison with the new look.  Apparently that was his birth name (even though it’s really Hennigan).  He brags about how he broke on through to the other side when he was a kid.  He also talks about how he asked his high school girlfriends to love him two times and how he thought other people were strange.  Punk then interrupts and John tells him “Hello, I love you won’t you tell me what CM stands for?”  He doesn’t wait for an answer and levels him across the face before hitting the Paparazzi Pop but that has to be renamed Light My Fire.  Oh that’s pretty much it.
 
Extreme Moment: Even though the Punk-Burke match has been done, it wasn’t scheduled and was a solid match.
 
Not So Extreme Moment: The Miz and Extreme Expose all in the same ring.  It’s a waste of pyro and time.
 
As usual, there’s plenty of good stuff to read here.  I’ll be out of town next week, so Cameron has to suffer through the fallout shelter of the Great American Bash.  What will I do in my week off?  I don’t know but I’ll enjoy it until the end, my only friend.  Now hit my music!

 
 
Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.  Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!".  He also is filing a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.

 
(07/24/07)
 
Miss me yet? It's your most beloved recapper filling in for the absent Gersh. I always kind of enjoy ECW because like most of the things on the SciFi network it's just so bad that in some perverse way I still manage to find it entertaining. It's kind of like watching a Frankenstein's Great Aunt Tillie and Jesse James (not the wrestler) and the Bride of Frankenstein double feature. Take that Grindhouse. You may be wondering where Gershon went though. Some people have theorized that he was taken out by contract as part of the beginnings of Alex Wright's plans to cleanse the world of.....really bad dancers. It's true! Cause that's vat ze the Germans are all about. Seriously.

ECW 07.24.07

The show opens with an introduction of John Morrison as the greatest ECW champion of all time. It might just be me, but John's press agent looks like Beck the FBI agent/Folk Singer. Morrison wanders out, looking good for a zombie. Oh, wrong Morrison. He tells us his mission is to make believers out of all of us, and I believe.that he still can't cut a promo for shit. Johnny gets a dramatic spotlight in the dark while quoting cong lyrics at CM Punk, claiming the ECW glows, thus effectively doubling as a night light I guess. He says a good champion doesn't just wrestle the same guy over and over again (unless you know.the roster is so thin you could read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows through it). He says anyone who can go 15 minutes with him or pin him in that time will get a title shot. He goes on to say he came across a guy in the back who is so intimidating he deserves a shot at fifteen minutes of fame from Fresno. It turns out to be a skinny little kid who looks like a non-white Frankie Munez.

John starts the clock and clubs whoever the guy happens to be. He then lifts him up right into the Paparazzi Pop for the win. Nitro tells him he gave it his best shot then just kind of wanders off. Lucky us, we're told we'll be seeing Nitro again tonight in tag team action against CM Punk and Tommy Dreamer since he SO doesn't wrestle the same guy over and over. Nope.

Random Commercial Thought: Skinwalkers. It's like Animorphs with more violence.

Back to the show. They run the "Ten Million Dollar Game" promo. Kevin Thorn is out and he's set to take on Stevie Richards. Poor Stevie.

Stevie Richards vs. Kevin Thorn

Richards starts off by using a strong falling attack. Thorn beats him into the dirt but Stevie pops the crowd when he kicks Thorn in the face and starts landing sharp kicks to the knees. A dropkick sends Thorn to the floor. Richards causes Thorn to trip off the apron and bash his face on it, only to get himself tripped by a clothesline to the ankles. Richards flips over to the ground and Thorn drags him back in for a Canadian backbreaker. Thorn drops Richards and continues to work the back with a series of body slams. Thorn pins for one and argues with the ref. Thorn starts clubbing Richards in the spine in the corner. Stevie super kicks Thorn in the gut twice and starts slamming kicks into Thorn's knees. Thorn counters with a spine buster for two and the crowd is really starting to get behind Richards. Richards is set up top and scooped off into a Crucifix bomb, but Richards escapes into a backslide for the win. Winner: Richards..THE FUCK?! Holy Crap!

Thorn looks pissed, since I'm pretty sure when he read the part about Richards winning in the script he must have assumed it was just a typo. Fun Fact: Stevie's pants use the same font as Guitar Hero II. They recap the dance Miz got last week to pimp his appearance after the break.

Random Commercial Thought: One word. DINOCROC.

Back to the show where The Miz here, taking on his life long opponent of Apathy. He says he feels like the women are undressing them with their eyes which I assume is very difficult and painful to do without permanent damage to your vision. He then invites the Extreme Expose out to watch his match. Nunzio is his opponent. HAHAHA.

Nunzio vs. The Miz w/ Extreme Expose

Nunzio eats a reverse elbow but when Miz runs back, he trips him with a forearm. Miz runs from Nunzio to the outside and Nunzio hops onto the apron when he runs back in to slam the Miz into the turnbuckle. Nunzio manages to pick up a two count but he misses the follow up of a cross body in the corner. Miz tosses him off to the mat for two when Nunzio grabs the ropes. Miz leaps into a flying clothesline in the corner on Nunzio that ends with himself tangle in the ropes for another two. Miz scissors the body into a chinlock (take a shot).Nunzio rolls back into a pin for two so Miz clubs him. Nunzio comes on offense with flying forearms and clothesline, hitting a VERY botched tilt awhirl head scissors. Nunzio hit's the Stinging Slice or whatever it's called for two. Miz hit's the reverse Russian Leg sweep then catches Nunzio with a knee to the face into a swinging neck breaker for the win.

Winner: Miz

Miz invites the Expose into the ring to show them his own dance. FUCK! Where is Alex Wright when I fucking need him to take care of this? Turn on the gas! Turn it on now while all four are in the same spot!

Random Commercial Thought:

Back to the show where they recap Big Daddy V's debut as he is set to take on this tag team of two random guys nobody cares about. Does this count as a match?

Big Daddy V w/ Matt Striker vs. Two Schmucks (Handicap Match)

Both guys attack and One Man Gang Rape manages to hit's a side headlock take down that crushes one before a lift up power slam drops the other. Big Daddy V tosses him to the floor before crushing the first guy again with a Samoan drop. Her then choke slams the other. All the while Matt Striker tells us the scientific terms for the parts of the bodies he is crushing. V stacks them in the corner for a running splash and a scoop slam on one ending with a Big Bossman Slam of one onto the other for the double pin. Winner: Big Daddy V

Striker celebrates with the walking stunt mat as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Mitchum knows what they like..paychecks for running around in bikinis in slow motion.

Back to the show. The funny thing about TNA coming to town this week is that they couldn't even afford to book the Coliseum and took the Cotillion instead. CM Punk is out next and you know I'd like to point out that the Pepsi logo is not the only famous trademark on his arms. The other arm bears the famous Cobra symbol from GI Joe. Tommy Dreamer is out next, and I gotta wonder what's with all the lavender. PURPLE IS EXTREME. Elijah Burke (whom you may recall replaced Marcus Cor Von last week when the Alpha Male was busy murdering his Alpha Family) follows out before Morrison graces us with his presence again.

ECW Champion John "My name is not Hennigan" Morrison & Elijah Burke vs. CM Punk & Tommy Dreamer

CM Punk demands Morrison so Burke tags out. Morrison distracts punk to get in a side headlock (take a shot). CM Punk rolls through it but Johnny holds on before pummeling Punk to the corner for Burke to take over with more of the same. Burke hammers Punk in the back before whipping him to the corner only to run into a boot to the face. Punk strikes at the knees and dodges a corner dodge by burke, running over to kick Morrison to the floor and then flip Burke over as well as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Holy Crap, now you can get Powerade at Mcdonald's in a bottle! You know, because that's way better than before when you could get infinite refills of it at the fountain.

Back to the show. CM punk hit's a dropkick before tagging in Tommy Dreamer who plants Burke for two. Dreamer hit's a snap suplex and tags in Punk who slingshots into a senton for two. Dreamer back in with a second ropes elbow drop on Burke while Punk holds him up. Burke fights out with knees to the gut and tags in Morrison. Morrison uppercuts Dreamer and goes for a cross body but Dreamer catches him with a fall away slam. Dreamer drags Morrison into a monkey flip to the corner for two. A bulldog gets Dreamer another two. Tommy locks on a Texas Cloverleaf and I have to admit it's a pretty good one. Tommy runs for a clothesline in the corner, but Morrison slips out through the ropes. Dreamer clubs him one only for Morrison to sneak in a shot and run in with a running round kick to the back of the head. Morrison gets one and goes to a headlock (take a shot). Burke tags in and kicks Dreamer to the mat, picking up a two count.

Since it worked so well for Morrison, Burke goes for a chinlock. Tommy breaks free with a jaw breaker, but Burke keeps him on the ground with kicks, hitting a running kick to the back of the head for two. If that had been Orton, Tommy's career would be over now. Elijah goes back to a chin lock (take a shot, jeez you should be feeling it by now). Tommy tries to fight loose, but Burke forces him to the corner. Tommy pummels his way out on both guys until Burke knocks him down and hit's the springboard elbow which I personally believe should be called AAAAIIIR! Morrison tags in and scissors the legs on Tommy's head and arm. Dreamer manages to lift Morrison into an electric chair drop. Burke tags in and grabs Tommy by the head, slamming it into the matt and dragging his face along it. Dreamer is pushed hanging out over the edge and Burke runs to the ropes, leaping over into a forearm drop to the back of the head.

Morrison tags back in and baseball slides Dreamer to the floor, dragging him in for two. Morrison goes back clutch, but Tommy fights out, only to eat a knee to the face. Scoop slam lays Dreamer out and Morrison slow.ever so slowly..climbs to the top and gets racked on the top. Dreamer catches him with a neck breaker. Punk tags in and tries to get Morrison but he runs to tag in Burke. Burke is dodged and Punk leaps over the ropes to hit Morrison before coming off the top on Burke. Hard kicks lead to an exploder suplex for two. The Pepsi One gets two when Morrison comes in. Punk hits a running enziguiri on Morrison and then catches Burke in the Nyquil which just for this week I'm calling it the Hail Cobra for three.

Winners: Dreamer and Punk

Punk and Dreamer celebrate and Morrison stares at Punk as the show goes off the air.

Extreme Moment: Richard's wins a match for once. Anything really can happen.

Not so Extreme Moment: Nobody took the opportunity to kill Miz and the Expose. Wasted.

Well, Gershon should be back next week so I hope you all loved your double dose of me for now.

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

 
(07/31/07)
 
Thanks to Cameron for covering for me last week while I was umm…what was I doing again?  Actually if I told you what I was REALLY doing, it sounds far worse than what he jokingly said I did.  And if you saw what Cameron said, you know how bad that must be.
 
The shit hits the fan (not this website but then again...) and we are LIVE from Phoenix, Arizona.  John Morrison comes out first.  He starts referring to himself as a bunch of weird expressions.  He says people need to join him in the palace of wisdom or continue being slaves to society.  He says he will continue his 15 Minutes of Fame Challenge and will face someone from Arizona.  He was checking the Cardinals and Diamondbacks and still found the greatest athlete in Arizona and here he is!  I don’t know who he is but he looks like a jobber.
 
ECW Champion John Morrison vs. Arizona Andy (Yes I Made That Up)
 
He hits the Light My Fire and gets the pin.
 
Winner: John Morrison
 
He asks for another opponent but says no one is worthy enough before Tommy Dreamer interrupts.  Umm haven’t we seen this one before?  He wants to be ECW Champion again and says he can beat him.  Elijah Burke interrupts and says when it comes to ECW, Dreamer is prehistoric.  He then says he’s the guy but CM Punk interrupts and says to let him take the challenge and if he fails he’ll never challenge again.  Morrison says he just had a grueling match so he won’t wrestle again tonight but suggests the three of them have a triple threat match for a challenge next week.  So they have to win a match to get a match to get a shot at a title?  Is it me or do these storylines move slower than Hogan?
 
After a commercial, Stevie Richards comes out for a rematch from last week’s big win.
 
Stevie Richards vs. Kevin Thorn
 
Thorn starts off quickly with a lot of punishment and puts on an Orton Lock.  He then picks up Stevie in a torture rack and then just drops and somehow Richards kicks out of the pin.  Thorn misses a shoulder block in the corner and Stevie uses the momentum to get a rollup and a pin.
 
Winner: Stevie Richards
 
Coming up next we get to behold Big Daddy V.  I hope they called in the cavalry to do that.
 
After a commercial, Big Daddy V comes out looking like he just went swimming in a big vat of grease.  This is a handicapped match (which is what you end up if he sits on you).
 
Big Daddy V w/ Matt Striker vs. Three Jobbers aka Triple J
 
Would you believe me if I said the jobbers won?  Didn’t think so.  His manboobs alone were big enough to pin all three guys simultaneously.
 
Winner: Big Daddy V
 
The Boogeyman comes out and looks different, less makeup I think.  He comes in the ring, eats worms.  Is it me or is nothing going on that hasn’t happened a billion times before?  Speaking of which Extreme Expose is next.
 
So tonight they’re dancing to Michael Jackson?  Well much like that this is something that little boys look at and wonder if this is something they’re supposed to like.  By the way, is anyone else sick of seeing Kelly Squared’s blank expression?  Honestly, I would not even tap that.  After they finish, they introduce the Miz.  He’ll be checking his Balls.
 
The Miz vs. Balls Mahoney
 
After Miz delivers some offense, Balls comes back with some Teabagging then the Nutcracker Suite (he has another move?).  Miz somehow gets his foot on the rope, then hits a knee lift and neckbreaker for the win.
 
Winner: The Miz
 
Hmm, so Triple H had TWO video packages last night and now he gets one on a different show?  Gee you’d think he’s married to the boss’ daughter or something.  Oh…
 
Our main event is next.
 
Tommy Dreamer vs. Elijah Burke vs. CM Punk (Triple Threat for 15 Minute Challenge Opportunity Next Week)
 
Dreamer ends up on the outside and Burke attacks Punk in the back and puts on an Orton Lock.  Punk breaks out and gets a kick and a two count.  He throws Burke to the corner but gets tossed to the outside.  Dreamer comes back inside and hits a few rights then a bulldog.  Burke escapes the pin and hits a clothesline.  Burke goes for a pin but Punk pulls him out of the ring.  He comes back in and works on Dreamer.  He throws Tommy to the outside and then does a Benoit dive (some may call it suicide….too soon?) over the top.  All three end up back inside and Dreamer lands a DDT on Punk but Burke breaks up the pin.  Dreamer then manages to lock in a Texas Cloverleaf on Burke.  Punk kicks Tommy on the back of the neck and gets a two count on Burke.  He then hits a double armed suplex into a backbreaker.  He puts Burke on the top rope but Burke knocks him off before Dreamer takes advantage going for a superplex but Punk comes under Dreamer making it a tandem superplex/powerbomb.  Punk hits the Pepsi One on Burke and ends up colliding in the center of the ring with Dreamer.  Tommy goes to the outside and Burke tries to take advantage but Punk counters to the Nyquil and gets the pin.
 
Winner: CM Punk
 
Dreamer congratulates Punk as we go off the air.
 
Extreme Moment: Main event was good though it was fairly obvious Punk would win.
 
Not So Extreme Moment: Two squash matches and the Miz fill out 2/3 of the show?  Maybe this show is just too long.
 
Hell, I haven’t even been reading the Fan since I just got back from being out of town so how can I tell you to do the same?  I dunno, maybe because I’m just super cool.  Now hit my music! 

 
Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.  Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!".  He also is filing a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).