The show opens with an introduction of John Morrison as the greatest ECW champion of all time. It might just be me, but John's press agent looks like Beck the FBI agent/Folk Singer. Morrison wanders out, looking good for a zombie. Oh, wrong Morrison. He tells us his mission is to make believers out of all of us, and I believe.that he still can't cut a promo for shit. Johnny gets a dramatic spotlight in the dark while quoting cong lyrics at CM Punk, claiming the ECW glows, thus effectively doubling as a night light I guess. He says a good champion doesn't just wrestle the same guy over and over again (unless you know.the roster is so thin you could read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows through it). He says anyone who can go 15 minutes with him or pin him in that time will get a title shot. He goes on to say he came across a guy in the back who is so intimidating he deserves a shot at fifteen minutes of fame from Fresno. It turns out to be a skinny little kid who looks like a non-white Frankie Munez.
John starts the clock and clubs whoever the guy happens to be. He then lifts him up right into the Paparazzi Pop for the win. Nitro tells him he gave it his best shot then just kind of wanders off. Lucky us, we're told we'll be seeing Nitro again tonight in tag team action against CM Punk and Tommy Dreamer since he SO doesn't wrestle the same guy over and over. Nope.
Random Commercial Thought: Skinwalkers. It's like Animorphs with more violence.
Back to the show. They run the "Ten Million Dollar Game" promo. Kevin Thorn is out and he's set to take on Stevie Richards. Poor Stevie.
Stevie Richards vs. Kevin Thorn
Richards starts off by using a strong falling attack. Thorn beats him into the dirt but Stevie pops the crowd when he kicks Thorn in the face and starts landing sharp kicks to the knees. A dropkick sends Thorn to the floor. Richards causes Thorn to trip off the apron and bash his face on it, only to get himself tripped by a clothesline to the ankles. Richards flips over to the ground and Thorn drags him back in for a Canadian backbreaker. Thorn drops Richards and continues to work the back with a series of body slams. Thorn pins for one and argues with the ref. Thorn starts clubbing Richards in the spine in the corner. Stevie super kicks Thorn in the gut twice and starts slamming kicks into Thorn's knees. Thorn counters with a spine buster for two and the crowd is really starting to get behind Richards. Richards is set up top and scooped off into a Crucifix bomb, but Richards escapes into a backslide for the win. Winner: Richards..THE FUCK?! Holy Crap!
Thorn looks pissed, since I'm pretty sure when he read the part about Richards winning in the script he must have assumed it was just a typo. Fun Fact: Stevie's pants use the same font as Guitar Hero II. They recap the dance Miz got last week to pimp his appearance after the break.
Random Commercial Thought: One word. DINOCROC.
Back to the show where The Miz here, taking on his life long opponent of Apathy. He says he feels like the women are undressing them with their eyes which I assume is very difficult and painful to do without permanent damage to your vision. He then invites the Extreme Expose out to watch his match. Nunzio is his opponent. HAHAHA.
Nunzio vs. The Miz w/ Extreme Expose
Nunzio eats a reverse elbow but when Miz runs back, he trips him with a forearm. Miz runs from Nunzio to the outside and Nunzio hops onto the apron when he runs back in to slam the Miz into the turnbuckle. Nunzio manages to pick up a two count but he misses the follow up of a cross body in the corner. Miz tosses him off to the mat for two when Nunzio grabs the ropes. Miz leaps into a flying clothesline in the corner on Nunzio that ends with himself tangle in the ropes for another two. Miz scissors the body into a chinlock (take a shot).Nunzio rolls back into a pin for two so Miz clubs him. Nunzio comes on offense with flying forearms and clothesline, hitting a VERY botched tilt awhirl head scissors. Nunzio hit's the Stinging Slice or whatever it's called for two. Miz hit's the reverse Russian Leg sweep then catches Nunzio with a knee to the face into a swinging neck breaker for the win.
Miz invites the Expose into the ring to show them his own dance. FUCK! Where is Alex Wright when I fucking need him to take care of this? Turn on the gas! Turn it on now while all four are in the same spot!
Random Commercial Thought:
Back to the show where they recap Big Daddy V's debut as he is set to take on this tag team of two random guys nobody cares about. Does this count as a match?
Big Daddy V w/ Matt Striker vs. Two Schmucks (Handicap Match)
Both guys attack and One Man Gang Rape manages to hit's a side headlock take down that crushes one before a lift up power slam drops the other. Big Daddy V tosses him to the floor before crushing the first guy again with a Samoan drop. Her then choke slams the other. All the while Matt Striker tells us the scientific terms for the parts of the bodies he is crushing. V stacks them in the corner for a running splash and a scoop slam on one ending with a Big Bossman Slam of one onto the other for the double pin. Winner: Big Daddy V
Striker celebrates with the walking stunt mat as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Mitchum knows what they like..paychecks for running around in bikinis in slow motion.
Back to the show. The funny thing about TNA coming to town this week is that they couldn't even afford to book the Coliseum and took the Cotillion instead. CM Punk is out next and you know I'd like to point out that the Pepsi logo is not the only famous trademark on his arms. The other arm bears the famous Cobra symbol from GI Joe. Tommy Dreamer is out next, and I gotta wonder what's with all the lavender. PURPLE IS EXTREME. Elijah Burke (whom you may recall replaced Marcus Cor Von last week when the Alpha Male was busy murdering his Alpha Family) follows out before Morrison graces us with his presence again.
ECW Champion John "My name is not Hennigan" Morrison & Elijah Burke vs. CM Punk & Tommy Dreamer
CM Punk demands Morrison so Burke tags out. Morrison distracts punk to get in a side headlock (take a shot). CM Punk rolls through it but Johnny holds on before pummeling Punk to the corner for Burke to take over with more of the same. Burke hammers Punk in the back before whipping him to the corner only to run into a boot to the face. Punk strikes at the knees and dodges a corner dodge by burke, running over to kick Morrison to the floor and then flip Burke over as well as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Holy Crap, now you can get Powerade at Mcdonald's in a bottle! You know, because that's way better than before when you could get infinite refills of it at the fountain.
Back to the show. CM punk hit's a dropkick before tagging in Tommy Dreamer who plants Burke for two. Dreamer hit's a snap suplex and tags in Punk who slingshots into a senton for two. Dreamer back in with a second ropes elbow drop on Burke while Punk holds him up. Burke fights out with knees to the gut and tags in Morrison. Morrison uppercuts Dreamer and goes for a cross body but Dreamer catches him with a fall away slam. Dreamer drags Morrison into a monkey flip to the corner for two. A bulldog gets Dreamer another two. Tommy locks on a Texas Cloverleaf and I have to admit it's a pretty good one. Tommy runs for a clothesline in the corner, but Morrison slips out through the ropes. Dreamer clubs him one only for Morrison to sneak in a shot and run in with a running round kick to the back of the head. Morrison gets one and goes to a headlock (take a shot). Burke tags in and kicks Dreamer to the mat, picking up a two count.
Since it worked so well for Morrison, Burke goes for a chinlock. Tommy breaks free with a jaw breaker, but Burke keeps him on the ground with kicks, hitting a running kick to the back of the head for two. If that had been Orton, Tommy's career would be over now. Elijah goes back to a chin lock (take a shot, jeez you should be feeling it by now). Tommy tries to fight loose, but Burke forces him to the corner. Tommy pummels his way out on both guys until Burke knocks him down and hit's the springboard elbow which I personally believe should be called AAAAIIIR! Morrison tags in and scissors the legs on Tommy's head and arm. Dreamer manages to lift Morrison into an electric chair drop. Burke tags in and grabs Tommy by the head, slamming it into the matt and dragging his face along it. Dreamer is pushed hanging out over the edge and Burke runs to the ropes, leaping over into a forearm drop to the back of the head.
Morrison tags back in and baseball slides Dreamer to the floor, dragging him in for two. Morrison goes back clutch, but Tommy fights out, only to eat a knee to the face. Scoop slam lays Dreamer out and Morrison slow.ever so slowly..climbs to the top and gets racked on the top. Dreamer catches him with a neck breaker. Punk tags in and tries to get Morrison but he runs to tag in Burke. Burke is dodged and Punk leaps over the ropes to hit Morrison before coming off the top on Burke. Hard kicks lead to an exploder suplex for two. The Pepsi One gets two when Morrison comes in. Punk hits a running enziguiri on Morrison and then catches Burke in the Nyquil which just for this week I'm calling it the Hail Cobra for three.
Winners: Dreamer and Punk
Punk and Dreamer celebrate and Morrison stares at Punk as the show goes off the air.
Extreme Moment: Richard's wins a match for once. Anything really can happen.
Not so Extreme Moment: Nobody took the opportunity to kill Miz and the Expose. Wasted.
Well, Gershon should be back next week so I hope you all loved your double dose of me for now.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period"
appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those
impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A
selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life
quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).