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ECW: The Next Generation
(July 2006 Archives.)

July 04, 2006
July 11, 2006
July 18, 2006
July 26, 2006

Well it’s nice to be back in my usual place.  I would thank Cameron for swapping with me last week except he asked me to ultimately.  Gonna keep this intro brief, and get right to the show.  Tonight Big Show defends the ECW title against another non-ECW challenger in Kane.  And of course inquiring minds want to know if Kelly can keep her streak going.
We are live from the home of the team with the best record in baseball, Detroit, Michigan and Mike Knox is in the ring with Kelly.  He says the fans want to see this and they show what can basically be called the “Not So Extreme Package” (unlike mine which is VERY extreme!).  Mike says she can never take her clothes off in public again (which ma kes many guys sound very gay when they are happy by this news).  They then show Kelly getting caned by Sandman and her ruining it by not even selling it well.  After saying he will do to Sandman what he did to Kelly last week, Sandman’s music hits and he does his traditional entrance through the crowd and almost falls off the ring barrier.  A couple of fans hold their beers high near Sandman (were they hoping to collect some beer spit?).  Knox attacks Sandman as he enters the ring which gets this one started.
The Sandman vs. Mike Knox w/Kelly ( Singapore Cane vs. American Bimbo)
Sandman gains control and delivers the White Russian Leg Sweep, and goes outside for the Singapore cane but Kelly blocks her man.  As Sandman nearly hits Kelly, Test interferes and they double team Sandman (not as much as they’d like to double team Kelly I bet).  Test nails Sandman with the Final Exam (yes I made that up, if you got better e-mail me suggestions).
Winner by DQ: The Sandman
Commercial Comment: HBK vs. Umaga next week on Raw, and I’m gonna be there.  Aren’t you so not jealous of me?
Back live, Test is saying how dominant the two of them are and that he wouldn’t want his girl doing stuff either and just then Tommy Dreamer attacks them both.  Heyman is then shown backstage where Sabu wants to challenge Big Show for the ECW title.  He says he can’t and won’t make the match, then asks him to leave.  He then walks over to Little Guido and accuses him of making comments behind his back then the two armored guards beat the crap out of him.  Paul then informs him his match is next.
Commercial Comment: I saw a very early advanced screening of “Accepted” a couple months ago and it’s a decent movie (mainly because of Lewis Black) but I kid you not that I received three separate e-mails today inviting me to different screenings of it.
CM Punk talks about how he had to scrape and claw for everything he has and next week he will be making his debut.  Ariel and umm, Fertig/Mordecai are in the ring then Guido is dragged to the ring by the guards and thrown inside.
Little Guido vs. The Wrestler Formerly Known As Mordecai (That Marinara Sauce Ain’t Tomatoes)
TWFKAM (isn’t that Sean’s hidden camera that he installed in the homes of all of the staff?) clobbers Guido and then catches his leg and does a power bomb of sorts.  He then picks him up and delivers a neckbreaker with Guido’s legs hanging on the rope.  He then picks him up and delivers a variation of the Last Ride (I’ll call it the Fang Shui) and gets the pin.
Winner: TWFKAM
A little video on Kane shows then we hit a commercial.
When we come back, “The Reject” Shannon Moore (coincidental name I think).  Balls Mahoney enters the arena for his match against Justin Credible.
Balls Mahoney vs. Justin Credible (Yes My Balls Are Incredible, Thanks For Asking)
After Justin gets a few punches in, Balls delivers a big slam.  Balls knocks him over the top and they go outside momentarily but then go back inside.  Justin takes advantage and is able to get a running DDT (which he kind of botched) and a two count.  He then does a nice Northern Lights Suplex but only gets two.  Justin puts on an Orton lock but Balls is able to break it (hehe “breaking balls”) and starts throwing several punches followed by a spinebuster and pin but Justin gets his foot on the rope.  Justin gains advantage and goes for a move into Balls in the corner but misses and hits his own balls on the post.  Justin then reverses an irish whip into the ref and nails an inverted DDT and as he goes for the chair, Balls kicks him in the stomach, takes the chair and hits Justin with it causing a DQ.
Winner by DQ: Justin Credible
Balls argues with the ref and then hits him.  Well considering that was never a DQ in the old ECW, I guess that makes it all right.  OK no it doesn’t.  Heyman and Show are backstage and Show doesn’t get why he can’t fight Sabu after the matches he’s been in lately.  They show the tale of the tape and I notice they’re the same height but Kane is about 180 pounds lighter and among Kane’s accomplishments is “star of See No Evil”.  Yes because that’s gonna make a difference in this match.
Commercial Comment: ECW is coming back to NYC again, next week and I actually work on the same block as the Hammerstein Ballroom.  I’m not going to that, but I’m taking a bus to Jersey so I can see the Supershow.  Does that make any fucking sense?
Kurt Angle returns next week and the Big Show makes his entrance.  Kane’s pyro is basically the turnbuckles and he makes his first appearance in a while after promoting his movie in Italy.
Kane vs. Big Show (We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Ring Match)
Kane goes for a couple clotheslines but can’t knock Show down but as he goes for the third, Show throws him over the top rope.  Show goes outside and picks up Kane but he gets loose and Show runs himself into the post.  Kane gets a table and a chair (must be dinner time) as well as a trash can.  After a few punches, Show clobbers Kane with a clothesline and we go to commercial.  Skip past that and Show is in the ring delivering punishm ent.  During the break, Kane was choking Show with a cable, Show threw Kane into the steps and hit Show with a trash can lid.  After Show is caught with a kick, Kane nails Show with a clothesline from the second rope.  He sets up a chair in between the ropes in the corner but Show reverses the throw into it and like some kind of bizarre circus performer, Kane eats the chair.  Show clobbers Kane with a trash can.  He then climbs to the second rope but Kane gives him a low blow followed by a back suplex.  After a pin attempt, there is a long trade off of punches which Kane gets advantage.  He then does a running attack twice in the corner and goes for the choke slam b ut Show is able to also go for it and gets the advantage and gets a very close two count (seemed like he hit three).  Show goes outside and sets up two tables, then comes back in and hits Kane with the trash can.  Show goes to the apron and goes for a suplex to the outside but Kane breaks it and does a neckbreaker on the ropes.  As Show is teetering, Kane gets a chair and hits him with it three times until Show falls into both of them.  This gets Heyman down to ringside trying to see if he is all right.  Kane throws him back inside and Show is bleeding heavily.  Kane goes to the top but Show catches him for a choke slam which Kane reverses into a DDT.  Pin attempt but Heyman pulls the ref out of the ring.  Kane then pulls Heyman into the ring but in the distraction Show hits Kane with the chair twice, then delivers a choke slam on the chair and gets the pin.
Winner: Big Show
As Show is contemplating hitting Kane with the chair again, Sabu shows up on the top rope and does a drop kick into a chair he’s holding as well as the chair Show is holding.  Sabu goes up the aisle as Show looks pissed and we go off the air.
Extreme Moment: I liked TWFKAM’s debut, looked pretty impressive.
Not So Extreme Moment: Well nothing really stands out as the absolute worst so guess what, congratulations Kelly!
Check out the rest of this site, and keep an eye out for me on next week’s Raw and Smackdown as I will be in attendance.  OK well I won’t have any signs and most of you (if any) don’t know what I look like so honestly how the hell will you know?  Stay tuned for a special column from yours truly about the experience though and I’ll see you next week (anyone notice how much I really like using parentheses?).

Holy Shit! It’s Tuesday Night! What the hell am I doing staring you punks in the face? Well, this comes about as a complicated situation that included people showing up and taking over last night, making it rather difficult to get any work done....and also I really just wanted to only work for an hour for once. So sue me (please don’t I have so very little...). And any rate, here we are. The Big Show, my personal Home Boy is rocking some big gold for once in his life and my Satellite i telling me tonight’s show summary. "Who can stop the Big Show? (Besides the CEO of McDonald’s cutting of his Double Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese supply)." Okay, that last bit may or may not have been in there.

At Any Rate. For one night only, I present to you...

The Best Damn ECW Rant, PERIOD. (donations accepted by cash, check or money order)

According to this commercial the ECW was "Pushed to the brink of oblivion" and we need to "Bow to their newfound power." Er...yeah....

Show opens with recap footage of Undertaker taking his double chokeslam before our stupid announcer guy ruins the montage by pimping the match during it in his Upbeat TV voice. Let the Bodies hit the floor (seriously quit gluing them to the ceiling) so we can get this show started. We start with the EXTREME action of Kelly’s unannounced Expose. We get to see the ugliest bra since 80’s Madonna when Knox shows up to lock things up like...well, you see where I’m going with this one. He drags her to the ring and says that because of her desire to be an exhibitionist, he wants her to watch what happened to him at the hands of Sandman last week of her. Fun Fact: The most deadly part of a Shinai is actually the tip.

Knox forbids her to take her clothes off ever again and puts her in a corner before calling out Sandman. Apparently Taz cannot pronounce Exhibitionist. Sandman appears conveniently places at the stair entrance as our announcer intrododuces us to the guys....who’s names have both just been hammered at us. Rules are of course Knock out or Tap out, no DQ. Let’s roll.

Mikey Knox w/ Kelly vs. The Sandman (ECW Extreme Rules Match)

Knox jumps Sandman early. Knox keeps the pressure on with cheap blows and knocks Sandman to the floor and Sandman eats table. I hear it’s high in fiber. Sandman tries to rally back, but Knock whips him hard into the security wall, flipping him over at a freaky angle. Knox follows up to strangle him out with a camera cord. Knox rolls sandman into the ring and Sandman finally gets offense with a boot to the face and bulldog. Sandman gets his Shinai and goes fucking Kurasawa on...Kelly? YES! Holy Shit chant begins after she takes the shot for Knock in the forehead and Knox uses the distraction to lowblow the hell out of Sandman’s balls and get the pin. Knox leaves Kelly clubbed who even plays unconscious badly since she hooks her arms behind her head like she is fucking sunbathing and stares OPEN EYED at the ceiling.
Winner: Knox

They argue over whether Knox purposefully threw Kelly in the way or if Sandman blatantly aimed for her as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: It sounds like they are saying King booger.

Back to the show where we see footage of Kelly being wheeled out as Taz and Joey try their damndest to get their Owen Hart voices going. Paul comes out with his spreading bald spot to and S.W.A.T. team members. He says we need to all drink the same Kool-Aide and he says he explained things last week. We’re all his children apparently and soon after her puts on a fedora and red and green striped shirt.

Tommy Dreamer interrupts him as Joey gives us a crash course in Dreamer/Heyman history. Paul holds back his guards. Small Tommy chant builds. But really, who cares? Bitch hasn’t won a match in a decade. Tommy says he’s been with him and watched him prove people wrong because they’re love is sacred her eon this mountain! Oh...wait..

Anyway, he says everyone is confused why Paul seems to have gone way out and there. He sounds SO gay here. He says that he owes the locker room an explanation and he owes the fans an explanation too most importantly for supporting him and ECW. Instead of saying anything, Paul grabs him and proves all the gay by making out with Tommy in the ring, and no I didn’t make this one up. Apparently it’s the kiss of death as Test comes in with the big boot (Test Run) and the swing out neckbreaker. They pimp the main event as we head off to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Midgets like big butts apparently. This is new and....somewhat disturbing news to me.

Back to the show. We get the reason Balls is extreme. He says it’s because he grew up named BALLS. He says he may be a bit nuts (ZING) and he likes himself that way. He tries to impersonate Gene Simmons and we go to Gene Simmons on his way out to be followed by Stevie Richards who still has the same fucking WWE theme. This is a throwback to SNME.

Stevie Richards vs. Sabu

Stevie arms drags and goes to a headlock then a shoulderblock. Arm drag reversal is countered into a backslide by Sabu for one. Sabu then rolls up for two and gets Stevie in an Arm bar. Stevie escapes with the bottom rope as the crowd demands tables. Stevie almost decks the ref in punching Sabu. Stevie takes Sabu and rams him shoulder first into the steel post to pick up two. He tries a standing arm bar as Joey and Taz argue over whether that was fair in a regular match. Sabu powers back with a clothesline and a right into a sloppy wheel kick. Low baseball slide takes out Stevie’s ankle and he eats a guillotine for two. Sabu comes out of nowhere with a huge DDT and laces on the Camel Clutch for the tap out.
Winner: Sabu

Sabu chases the ref for no reason. We get a shot of...uh some guy who’s name I actually don’t know by sight since I’m not big on guys who run around as "Gangstahs" in Cena’s car at Mania. It’s a shot of CM Punk’s tattoo and incredibly erect nipple which has gotta make you wonder. He talks about how all his martial arts make him extreme and the most important discipline of WRESTLING Because Goddamit, HULK HOGAN CAN WHIP JACKIE CHAN!!!!11! Er, Commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Stuff. Crap and more stuff.

We get a shot of...er...the Vampire and Ariel who has his bitch predict Show’s title reign with the Death Card. Uh...okay? They replay Ric Flair getting destroyed last week. Ah, nothing good for feeling good about yourself like seeing a feeble old man get crushed. Speaking of Show, here he comes. He gets to the ring and we get back to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Strip Poker is a trap! A trap I tell you!

We are back Taker’s entrance manages to look a slight bit cooler than usual in the ratty setting with the fog. If it weren’t for the overly close fans ruining the image it would actually be pretty badass. Big Show seems to be having seizures from clogged arteries or something. Taker Texas Ranger is ready and raring to go and we get probably the most dramatic hat removal I’ve seen all day.

ECW World Champion The Big Show vs. The Undertaker (ECW World Title Match)

They tie up and Show forces Taker to the corner Taker tries to shove back out, but gets thrown back and Show begins pounding into him (ew) and Taker makes a run for it to regroup and get in some low kick for offense. Taker tries to fight back, but Taker eats a headbutt and gets choked out with a boot in the corner. Big Show continues to crush Taker in the corner and they start wheeling fists at one another until another headbutt forces Taker to the corner yet again. Show runs into a boot to the face and a clubbing clothesline gets nothing. Another and Show is still standing. Taker goes for a third only to run into a boot himself. Show charges and clothesline Undertaker over the ropes as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I have Hair! Ha, take that sweaty bald guys!

Back to the match. Taker took his back to the steel post during the break, but Show is going down. Taker comes off the ropes and Taker gets CRUSHED even though Show is only on one knee. Show gets two off that and fights Taker back to the corner, but Undertaker rallies with punches and kicks. Taker forces Big Show to the corner with a headbutt of his own, but almost knocks himself out so Show comes out with a clothesline. Taker goes to the floor and Show follows to slam his head into the steel steps. Show restarts the count which makes no damn sense and Taker buys time with reverse elbows. Show is placed in the ring with his head hanging out for a running boot to the head (for Jenny and the wimp).

Taker picks on the knee next, but Big Show clubs down on Taker and headbutts him back down. Taker clips the knee and scissors his legs for a leg bow, but Show makes the ropes. Show pounds Taker down and Taker rallies, but once again Show recover only to run into a boot. Taker takes down the knee and comes down on Show for a big two count. Taker sets Show up in the corner for a big running clothesline then goes old School, but Show chops the wrist to block that. Show starts head butting Taker in the face and apparently according to Joey his head is an anvil.

Taker eats the top rope superplex next and Show gets two when Taker sits up. Taker grabs the throat and Show does too. Taker throws his arm off and Show back elbows his own way out. Taker gets stuck in a sleeper, but counter it into Old School and kicks Show out of the ring when Great Khali suddenly arrives. Taker and Khali brawl on the outside with Khali eating steps. Show joins in and they both beat on Taker for the DQ.
Winner: Undertaker

Undertaker grabs a chair and goes to town on both men before clearing the announce table, but they trap him and double chokeslam him through the table instead. In the end Khali celebrates his conquest King Kong style as we go off the air.

Extreme Moment: Kelly gets a nice big Shinai to the face. That’s something just makes me smile inside.

Not So Extreme Moment: Kelly manages to RUIN said moment by looking like she enjoyed it afterward.

And that’s all she wrote. Be sure to check out the rest of the site and come back to see me Monday when I’ll be back on Monday Night Raw.


We have a winner!  I’d like to thank the many people who entered the recap naming contest, even though I can count the total number of entries on my hands.  The winner is Mike Brindle of umm, Earth for his suggestion you see above.  Mike, your DVD is in the mail (as soon as I get your check).
So tonight we got Big Show vs. Ric Flair for the ECW title and Kelly and Candice have some kind of dance segment.  I think we all know what to expect there so we can only hope for something that doesn’t involve Candice teaching Kelly how to do that retarded twirl.  A good question to ponder is which would you rather watch, Kelly’s Expose or the Diva Search?  Both are so bad that it seems like everyone who recaps here at the Fan ends up replacing it with something completely unrelated.
Show opens with a recap of last week’s “screwjob” (since he would have held the title for a while if not for the drug bust).  We are live in Minneapolis, Minnesota where Heyman comes out first without a cap for once with a couple of armored guards.  Styles refers to him as an “Extreme Judas”.  He doesn’t want to be blamed for RVD’s downfall and says the fans should blame themselves.  After all, it was a fan who sold him his drugs.  OK, well maybe not.  Heyman says RVD is suspended for 30 days (very convenient).  He calls himself a martyr and says he is our messiah.  With these statements, is he a Jew for Jesus?
After he’s done he goes backstage and comes across Tommy Dreamer.  Tommy says he and everyone else aren’t happy with what’s been going on (is that including the fans?).  Heyman says he would love to address his concerns but Dreamer has a match next.  Styles pimps the Kelly-Candice waste of time as well as Sabu in action later tonight.  It’s time for a commercial.
No interesting commercials to comment on, so back live Tommy Dreamer hits the ring and he looks like he is on his way to a business casual job, not a match.  His opponent is Test.
Test vs. Tommy Dreamer (Innovator of Jobbing Match)
A couple of punches each and then Tommy clotheslines Test over the top.  Outside, Test picks up Dreamer and rams his back into the post.  Back inside, Test aggressively attacks Tommy in the corner.  Backbreaker followed by a bear hug in the center of the ring.  Dreamer rakes the eyes (is he a gardener?) to break the hold and gets a neck breaker.  He then removes his red dress shirt to expose an ECW shirt.  He goes for a DDT but Test counters into a full nelson slam.  He then goes to the top but misses.  As Dreamer tries to take advantage, Test manages a pin and uses the ropes to get the three count.
Winner: Test
Candice is shown dressing and says to Kelly their segment will be extreme….ly BORING!
Commercial Comment: If someone said “get this meat off of me” I don’t think my first thought would be they were trapped under a hamburger.
A female vampire (same one from a few weeks ago I believe) and Mordecai are on the screen together which ends with a spit of blood on the camera.
Now it’s time for Kelly’s Expose and blah blah boring crap until Mike Knox covers up Kelly with a towel.  As Kelly tries to break free, Sandman walks out and sadly hits Mike over the head with the Singapore cane.  Wrong person there dude.  Thankfully it was a very short segment.
Commercial Comment: Apparently the Diva Search women are the sexiest women on television.  If that’s true, then those women who actually get naked on Cinemax must be pretty ugly.
CM Punk talks about his tattoos backstage (including one RVD can’t get that says “drug free”) and then Sabu comes to the ring with a chair.  He does his usually point to the sky but I think he’s thanking someone up there for him getting to keep his job.  His match is against Justin Credible.
Sabu vs. Justin Credible ('At Least My Head Is Shaved and Not Resembling Hogan’s' Match)
Sabu gets some early offense in, and Justin goes outside to get a table but Sabu leaps on to him.  Sabu sets up a broken table, puts Justin on it then jumps on top of him from the second rope.  The bell rings?  Apparently it isn’t “extreme rules”.  Once again, this reeks of Vince.
Winner by DQ: Justin Credible
Balls Mahoney is backstage and says people may laugh at his name but he is “balls to the wall”.  Sounds painful.  Then Ric Flair is backstage and plans to win #17.  He says he wants Mick Foley and it can be any match in any place in the world.  I pick a “Keep Your Shirt On Match” on the street outside my apartment.
Shannon Moore is coming?  He looked like Goldust with a nose ring.  Ric Flair comes to the ring followed by the Big Show and we are ready for our main event.
ECW Champion Big Show vs. Ric Flair (Get These Guys a Man-zeer Match)
Proper introductions are made and I am wondering if when Big Show agreed to this match he thought the fact Flair uses a lot of chops means he cooks veal and lamb.  We go to commercial.
Commercial Comment: Hulk and Brooke Hogan will be at Saturday Night’s Main Event this weekend.  My brother says he’d like to do that “listen to the audience” thing Hulk does when he makes Brooke orgasm.  Oh in a bit of irony here in NY, SNME will be airing the same time as Smackdown because it is pre-empted on Friday nights for baseball.  See maybe they should air it at 11:30 like the original show did.
Back live, Show pushes Flair out of the corner then as Naitch does a couple of chops, Show picks him up and drops him then gives a huge headbutt.  Flair is bleeding and there is a trade off of chops and after Show throws him outside the ring, Ric grabs some props from under the ring (I can’t in my right mind call a trash can a “weapon”).  Show gets to him before anything happens, brings him back inside and delivers a big suplex.  The Nature Boy keeps asking for more and Show throws Flair off the ropes and drops him with a powerslam.  As Show is prepping for a big punch, Flair gives a pair of low blows then a big knee and a kick in the same place.  Big Show is on his knees and Flair finds a barbed wire baseball bat which he hits Show with a couple of times then rubs it against Show’s forehead which busts him open.  Flair takes the trash can and hits Show with it a couple of times followed by a couple of chair shots which finally knocks Show on his back.  Flair goes for the pin but only for two.  Flair picks up a bag and empties tacks on the mat.  Three more chairshots and Show falls right on the tacks, but then gets up completely pissed off.  Show delivers a chokeslam then the move that starts like a Tazzmission then a backbreaker.  Let's call that the Baby Back Choke for now (best I could come up with).  He keeps the hold locked in, the ref calls for the bell since Flair doesn’t respond.
Winner: Big Show
Post match, Show picks up Flair and throws him on the tacks.  Show leaves and a bunch of refs help Flair from the ring.  A big “Thank you Flair” chant as we go off the air. 
Extreme Moment: Boy this is a tough choice because the show generally sucked.  The main event was decent I guess.
Not So Extreme Moment: So many choices really and really Kelly’s segment was so short this week that it almost wasn’t bad.  But ultimately that segment wins for two reasons.  One, I love a good running joke.  Two, Sandman could have made that segment great but he attacked the wrong person.  5-0 Kelly, congratulations!
Even though the product we cover sucks, check out the hilarious columns here at the Fan.  If you don’t, I’ll force you to sit through an endless loop of Kelly’s Expose.  That’s torture whether you like it or not since either you can’t stand to watch it or because you’re tied up you can’t reach it to whack it.


I’d like to start off this week’s column by wishing everyone out there a very happy Independence Day.  It’s a day to celebrate your freedom.  You have the freedom to speak, the freedom to choose, the freedom to smoke weed in your car.  Oh wait, maybe not that last one.
For those wondering about the recap naming contest, I had a record number of entries.  Well duh, it was my first contest so even if only one person entered it would be a record!  I did get a few good responses (and some horrible ones, you know who you are) but ultimately decided to extend for another week and now I will be giving something away as well.  Along with your suggestion being used to name this column, you will also receive a WWE DVD from my collection.* Now that should be great incentive for you to send in some more ideas.  As with last week, all ideas already submitted are in the running.
*Since I do not actually own any WWE DVD’s, to claim your prize you will have to mail me the cost of the DVD plus shipping and handling to both me and then to yourself.  Then you will be receiving a DVD from my collection!
With the storylines getting all fucked up because of what has happened with RVD and Sabu getting busted I have no idea what’s going on tonight other than being b ored by Kelly again (can she do it four weeks in a row?).  Unlike last week where ECW was sandwiched in between two really awful films, this week it’s sandwiched in between a “Twilight Zone” marathon (the original black and white one).  Could you imagine a Rod Serling opening for a WWE show?
“In a time where original storylines no longer exist and the fate of the biggest company in the world lies with one man, that one man will try to personally destroy the empire he created by making a white rapper from the Boston suburbs his biggest star even though the fans are tired of him.”
Paul Heyman opens the show from backstage.  He says even though RVD lost the WWE title he is still the ECW champion.  He praises Rob for his hard work until Big Show barges in and says the reason he jumped to ECW is because of the smaller rosters and therefore more food for him.  Actually he jumped because he was promised a title shot and he wants it tonight.  Show opens and we’re live from Philadelphia, and I know this is an ECW only show since they did a Supershow last night.
Styles is talking about how we’re in the birthplace of America and ECW until he is interrupted by the ring announcer introducing Kelly’s Expose and I swear he introduced her as Kelly Kelly which of course reminds me of the episode of “Cheers” where Woody’s gift to his rich girlfriend was a song.  Tonight is a Salute to America which makes sense because you can’t be a beautiful woman in this country unless you’re skinny and have big tits (in Vince’s mind anyway).  She is dressed in patriotic attire and she takes her top off and appears to be topless from the back but she turns around and he r boobs are painted blue and her nipples are covered with something (I would say my penis but that’s not what I meant when I said this girl blue balled me).  Mike Knox then covers her up and takes her backstage.  He then comes to the ring where Little Guido is waiting.  He gets on the mic to a “you suck dick” followed by a “shut the fuck up” chant (which took a moment for the network to censor).  It sounds like we have a true ECW crowd tonight.  He says Kelly is his girlfriend (not looking for intelligence I guess) and well basically he’s playing the jealous card.
Mike Knox (with girlfriend in the back) vs. Little Guido (with the Sopranos in the back)
Mike Knox starts a beatdown on Little Guido and a “you can’t wrestle” chant starts.  I think this is gonna be a fun night.  “Knox sucks cocks” is the next chant that starts.  This is more fun than recapping the actual match!  A few bodyslams and then a missed knee drop but when Guido tries to take advantage, Knox nails him with a big boot.  He finishes him off with the corkscrew move he did last week and gets the pin.
Winner: Mike Knox
Highlights of last night’s triple threat match are shown.  Heyman is sitting backstage when RVD comes in and wants the match against Big Show.  Gee anyone have a guess what the end result of that will be?  RVD chants start as we go t o commercial.
Commercial Comment: The only way “Who Wants to Be a Superhero?” will be any good is if they have someone like Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons on it.
Back live, Test is making his ECW debut tonight.  Some priest grabs a microphone from the announce table and is appalled by the content on the program.  Blah blah blasphemy, everyone’s a sinner; you can cue Sandman at any time folks.  He then does a HUGE swerve and says he isn’t actually a man of the cloth and just uses the outfit to state his opinion.  He climbs the rail and goes to his seat.  I’m bummed since this was the first time I had seen Christian on WWE television in several months.  Sandman’s music then hits and he goes to the ring and raises his hands from the turnbuckles a couple times, then goes back outside and stands on the ring barrier and then stares down the fakin’ deacon (almost rhymes), pulls him over the railing, and beats the crap out of him with the Singapore cane.  Sandman laughs at what he did, then drinks a beer in the ring.  Isn’t it convenient how he wasn’t really religious so Vince avoids a backlash from some hardcore activ ists?
Show is backstage and RVD asks if he challenged him for the title.  He then bitch slaps Show across the face and says he accepts.  Show smiles as we go to commercial although I think the Krispy Kreme light just turned on.  What will win the battle of tasteless jokes tonight?  RVD’s smoking pot or Big Show’s cooking pot?
Commercial Comment: Nice to see Mickey from “Seinfeld” getting work, too bad it involves being crushed by a Burger King Whopper.
RVD is shown walking backstage and is stopped by Paul Heyman asking where his head is.  He says he is on top of the world right now, in other words….really high.  His match will be under Extreme Rules.  Test’s music hits and he makes his entrance for his ECW debut.  He looks like he’s been hitting the gym pretty hard.  Al Snow comes out next with Head.
Al Snow w/ Head vs. Test (I’d Like to Conduct a Head Test With Hundreds of Hot Women)
Test goes nuts early on with aggressiveness.  He does a fireman’s carry into a swinging neckbreaker (nice move) and gets the quick victory.
Winner: Test
Test picks up Head, places it in the center of the ring and kicks it to the crowd.  And it’s good!  A Sabu package is shown (no, not a bag of weed) and the main event is up next.
Commercial Comment: My hometown boy Batista is back!  OK that’s all I had to say there.
A view from the outside of the arena is shown and Mordecai is seen (I heard his name will be Fertig, his real last name) and he spits corn syrup mixed with red food coloring on the camera.  Oh I get it, that’s supposed to be blood!
CM Punk is shown backstage (I admit I didn’t know who it was until he said his name) and says he doesn’t drink or smoke, he’s just addicted to wrestling.  So are a lot of people dude, except they spend over 1000 dollars a year between pay per v iews, live event tickets and crappy merchandise.
Big Show comes down to the ring followed by RVD and we’re ready for our title change, I mean main event.  Enjoy this folks, last time you’ll see RVD holding a WWE belt.  Proper introductions are made for this one before we go to commercial.
Big Show vs. Rob Van Dam (One Drug Bust Leads to Losing Your Titles and Job Match)
Match didn’t start without us which is nice and the bell rings.  RVD chants from the outset.  RVD tries to work on the lower body early to get the big man off his feet but Show knocks him down after RVD used the ropes for momentum.  Show throws Rob out of the ring, picks him up and as he goes to ram him into the post, RVD breaks free and sends Show into the post instead.  RVD goes to the ring barricade but Show trips him up and his nuts get squashed to oblivion (quote credit goes to Cameron Frye, Ferris Bueller’s best friend).  Show takes some time to get back over the railing and RVD takes advantage by kicking him which leaves him hanging on the railing.  Rob then does a flying leg drop from the apron which knocks Show all the way to the ground.  Off to commercial!
Commercial Comment: Why are they playing “Sweet Home Alabama” during a KFC commercial?  Isn’t that from KENTUCKY???
During the break, Big Show has been beating the smoke out of RVD (I’m trying to use as many jokes as I can before he gets fired, deal with it).  After RVD gets some control back, he goes to the top but Show meets him there and does a superplex which gets a “Holy shit!” chant.  Pin attempt by Show but only gets two.  Show put his leg over Rob’s neck and falls on it and gets another count of two.  This awesome crowd starts a “Mar-i-juana” chant.  Show puts RVD in a bear hug and then puts him down on the mat.  He breaks the hold, picks him up and hits a backbreaker which he holds.  RVD chants start up again a nd Rob starts kicking Show in the head.  After breaking free, RVD dropkicks Show in the knee which knocks the big man down but as Van Dam tries to capitalize, Show catches him in a choke hold.  RVD counters the choke slam though with a DDT, then nails a Rolling Thunder but only gets a two count.  Big flying kick in the corner and as RVD goes for something off the top rope, Show catches him and throws him over the top rope.  Show picks up the steel steps but RVD kicks him and Show falls right on the steps.  RVD goes to the top again but Show catches him in midair and rams his back into the apron.  Back inside, RVD snaps Show’s head off the ropes.  He then grabs a chair bu t Show swats it away and then nails a choke slam.  Only a two count and Show grabs the ref and throws him across the ring.  He goes for a power bomb but RVD whacks him across the face with the chair.  He then nails a Van Daminator followed by a Five Star Frogsplash and goes for the cover.  Heyman runs to the ring and counts but stops just before three, stands up and smiles.  He then leaves the ring, Show picks up the chair, and clocks RVD with it.  Heyman then demands he choke slams RVD right on the chair which he does and then Heyman counts to three.  Big Show is given the belt and the crowd in true ECW fashion litters the ring with plastic cups, many of which still h ad beverages in them (one cup of beer definitely clocked Heyman in the head) which is reminiscent of the creation of the NWO, just nowhere near as good.  They are shown celebrating as the show went off the air.
Extreme Moment: This one is easy.  There was no Smackdown taped tonight, so this was a true ECW crowd in every sense of the word, especially since it was in Philly.
Not So Extreme Moment: Since it was obvious RVD would drop the belt tonight, I can’t pick that.  I can however give this dubious honor for four weeks straight to Kelly.  Just because I could sort of see her tits this time doesn’t make it any more enjoyable.
The main event unfortunately really overshadows the rest of the show so I can’t even in my right mind say I enjoyed it.  It’s really difficult to enjoy this when real life makes the storylines obvious.  Oh well.  Should we now call him Job Van Dam?
Don’t forget to check out the rest of the great reading material here at the Fan (perfect for when you take a dump if you own a laptop).  Also send me some comments and let me know your thoughts on the show and my column as well as your suggestions for the name of it.  I’m gonna do like RVD would do now and have a bowl…..of Cocoa Krispies that is.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).