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ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(January 2009 Archives.)

January 06, 2009
January 13, 2009
January 20, 2009
January 27, 2009




I’m Neil McGilloway, and I’ve Cena boner.


OK seriously, did the surgeons make an error on John Cena’s last surgery or something?  His tag match with Trish Stratus is one thing, but what in the hell was so arousing about wrestling with Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels, and Chris Jericho?  I imagine that if he was a WOMAN there wouldn’t be a problem.  Though, from what I’ve heard, he’s a straight man.  This is not only REALLY disturbing, but not really helping counter that whole “wrestling is gay” argument.  Oh well, no doubt about it now…Cena’s a stiff worker.


Also, one other complaint about last night.  Now, I have grown accustomed to Michael Cole enough to tune his horrible commentary out.  However, during that main event, Cole rattled off his famous “VINTAGE _______~!” line so God damn much that I was about to throw my laptop through my TV screen.  It was the first time I audibly screamed out “JESUS CHRIST SHUT THE FUCK UP” in a long, long time.  Keep in mind no one else was here.  I’m being driven insane due to this guy’s bullshit.  Get him the hell off of my TV.  VINTAGE NEIL~!


Well, besides that obscene unpleasantness, it’s still the beginning of a new year in the WWE.  So, let’s see how ECW fares.  At the very least, I’m praying it rebounds from the half-assing…no wait, QUARTER-ASSING they gave for late December…



Still standing here in New Orleans!  “Nick Hogan Drove me Here.”  Already with the classy signs.  Well, when I think NEW ORLEANS, the first thing I think is CLASSY baby.


Jack Swagger Vs. Finlay w/ Hornswoggle


Jack Swagger – it’s right outside your door, now TESTIFY~!  Figure it out.


Things get amateur-y from the start, but not before Tard Grisham busts out the first shitty pun of the year, “Cajun fist fight.”  Oh, and how lovely is this comment between the two?


“2009 is going to be a lot like 2008, eh?”


BOY, I SURE HOPE SO!  Anyway, things break down to a fistfight soon after, with very little wrestling holds being used.  Finlay clotheslines Swagger to the outside, where Horny goes for the physics defying cross-body that bowls Jack over.  Jack no-sells it, gets right back up, and tosses the midget into the barricade, and I mean HARD.  I scream out “YEAHHH BABY”…in tribute to Jim Neidhart, of course.  Finlay goes nuts soon after, whipping Swagger into various outside goodies, as he goes to check on his legitimate but not really son going into break.


Back from break and LIKE MAGIC Swagger has control, working an arm wrench in the ring.  Finlay gets a shot in here and there, but a big boot or clothesline stops that shit cold.  It’s all arm holds and strikes for the next few minutes, as Finlay is busted open for very little reason.  Maybe I missed something?  Maybe I don’t care?  The pace is clearly set to “methodical” at this point, and the dead crowd shows it.  Though, to his credit, Swagger busts out a shoulderbreaker.  When’s the last time you saw one of those?  Finlay makes his comeback after Swagger misses a leg drop (Hulk Hogan is now INSULTED).  Things soon after go really back and forth, and it gets actually kind of hectic…not that the crowd would notice.  Come on people!  Finlay lets his rage get the best of him, as when charging in the corner, catches a double knee to the face, which stuns him enough to taste a Doctor Bomb, with defeat as dessert.  How metaphorical.


Winner:  Jack Swagger


What Stood Out:  A distinct lack of Hornswoggle actually.  I LOVE YOU, JACK SWAGGER.  …In a completely hetero way, of course.


After a hearty post-match chuckle from Swagger, we get the backstage gem of…



DANCE PARTY!  Alicia Fox menacingly grooves to the ring, with DJ Gabriel in tow.  I guess this pair are supposed to be good guys now?  Uh, sure.  Don’t let the fact that they haven’t done anything good or bad since debuting influence your decision.  THEY’RE GOOD GUYS!  This segues to Jack Swagger crashing the party of Teddy Long and Generic Blonde Tiffany, demanding his title shot, which he gets for next week.  Cryme Tyme could learn a lesson from him.  Remember when they won the #1 contendership to the Tag Titles?


Katie Lea Burchill w/ Paul Burchill Vs. Alicia Fox w/ DJ Gabriel


So, it’s official.  The Burchills are officially on ECW.  Color me happy (it’s right next to the yellow).  Now, if they actually DO SOMETHING with them, then we’ll be really talking.  Oh, also, impressive women’s division on this show, you know, with only two competitors. What, is GBT going to get in the ring?  Please God, no.


Hmm, for what I’ve heard of Ms. Fox’s ring ability (or lack thereof), she does get off (as do I) to a great start from the bell.  Not so much with the hits, which have the speed of a tortoise fart.  All Katie can do is get flung all over the ring, getting the stray hit here and there.  Also, she flings Alicia into the ropes, with a backbreaker soon after that gets her the…win?  The hell?


Winner:  Katie Lea Burchill


What Stood Out:  Holy shit, a BURCHILL got a win!  I like the both of them plenty, so this makes me one happy camper.  I guess it caught me off guard, seeing how she got the jobber entrance.  Just like every match these two have been in for the past four months.



Recap time of Raw now, focusing on the main event.  I’M NOBODY’S PUPPET, JOHN~!  Also I must’ve missed the part where Orton would want to help JBL by punting John Cena, seeing how the beginning of the show Randy was calling Jibble’s title shot win total bullshit.  LOGIC 4 LIFE.



Boogeyman Vs. …Eh, who knows, who cares?  You know how this one ends.


Boogey going for the all black face tonight.  So, really, he decided to not wear any makeup at all!  Kidding, seriously.


Boogeyman decides to put on a technical spectacle, with…clotheslines, stinger splashes, and Irish whips.  Take that, ROH!  Though, he decided to mix things up, ending things with a pump-handle slam.  Clearly a tribute to the recently departed Snitsky.


Winner:  Boogeyman


What Stood Out:  Well, for what it’s worth, his extremely limited arsenal looks halfway decent…


After the bell, Boogeyman decides to conduct a heartwarming soliloquy on the dangers of professional wrestling, demanding a ten-bell salute to all the performers, taken far before their time.  It was really touching.  Yeah, just kidding, he gives the guy the worm treatment.  Chock full of variety!



Before a commercial break, we get Tard being spot on, twice in one night:  “Coming up next, Matt Hardy and Mark Henry, for the first time of 2009!”  Yep, one down, 169 to go.


ECW Champion Matt Hardy Vs. Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas


I know it’s supposed to be his angry face, but Mark Henry is looking like he’s about to keel over walking down the ramp.  Must’ve gone on the Andy Reid diet.


Henry goes to work right from the start, beating the spray-on tan right off of Matt’s ass.  What is the deal with wrestlers and that stuff?  Is that how they’re weaning off steroids now?  On the outside, Hardy turns things around with a quick throw into the steel steps.  Of course, this buys him about…45 seconds of dominance before Henry once again takes over, with the SHEER POWER OF BLACKNESS.  Quick shuffle to the outside again, With Henry bowling over to the floor.  This leads to Hardy (after getting rid of the Tony Atlas distraction) hitting a crossbody from the top rope to the floor.  Well, that was new.  Probably the most extreme thing he’s done in a while, sadly.  Just remember, dude was doing leg drops off the top of steel cages only a few years ago.


Back from break, well, lot of good that move did, seeing how Henry is working a headlock on Hardy.  Apparently, during the break, Hardy got his back rammed into the steel post – leading to Henry’s current dominance, as Atlas hilariously screams “PUT DA PAIN ON HIM, BABY~!”  Hardy works the legs of Henry, in a nice showing of psychology between the two.  Hardy makes his comeback from there, hitting some nice moves, including a top-rope bulldog.  The crowd is actually on fire for this match, if you can believe that.  First Twist of Fate attempt results in Matt getting launched into the air, but Hardy subsequently blows the warrior splash.  When was the last time he landed that?  Twist of Fate OUTTA NOWHERE right after puts this one to bed.


Winner:  Matt Hardy


What Stood Out:  Well, let’s start with the champ actually getting offense this week.  That’s a fine start, no?  Adding on mixing up the moves a bit (the crossbody and top-rope bulldog stand out in my mind) actually made this match, GASP, somewhat entertaining for me!  Who knew wrestling the same guy for half a year straight would make you put on entertaining matches?


After the bell, we get some last-minute hype for next week’s title match, along with Matt Hardy dancing around in the ring like a general goof.  How nice.  And on that note – THE END.



Uppers:  You know what, there was actually quite a bit of pleasing stuff on this show.  Finlay/Swagger?  Gotta love Hornswoggle getting tossed into the barricade.  Well, I know I love it, at least.  Katie Lea/Alicia?  Hey, it was probably the first remotely passable women’s match seen on WWECW since its inception!  Kelly Kelly/Layla, this was not.  And the Main Event?  Yes, yes, seen it a million times before, but the mixing up of things (it actually was back and forth throughout, instead of Henry dominating the whole match) actually made it seem refreshing.  REFRESHING, I SAY.   


Downers:  Boogeyman continues to make things rough for me. The guy does provide an appropriately creepy atmosphere, just NOTHING ELSE.  Wow, boogeyman squashed another jobber.  Haven’t seen that one before!


Overall:  Once again, ECW bounces back from a shitty episode.  Imagine that.  At least they manage to avoid consistently bad shows, which is more than I can say for Raw and Smackdown.  Only problem is that they’re missing the one thing to really tie all the good wrestling together…story.  Oh well, can’t win them all.



GREAT way to start off the new year.  The second this show started sucking, I was about to start completely phoning it in.  It did not suck, so I only KIND of phoned it in.  Har.  Later bitches.





Blah, running a little behind so I’ll keep the intro short and sweet this week.  What was up with Raw last night?  Had that main event not been on the show, I might have blown my brains out by the horror I just watched.  Clearly, all the eggs were in the basket of next week’s show, because DAMN if that show didn’t scream “cruise control.”  And if it did, holy shit, how come WWE can read my mind?  Creepy.  OK, let’s get into things, shall we?



Still standing here in a town!  That Raw was probably in last night!  Quick Side note:  I noticed all the shows have HD in the title now…how new is that?  Eh, whatever, still all the same to me.


DJ Gabriel and Alicia Fox Vs. Paul and Katie Lea Burchill




The girls start this one off, and it’s not totally terrible.  The guys tag in and Paul hits a double knee to the face of DJ Gabriel.  Looked nice.  Of course, that’s about as fancy as his offense gets, as the only thing outside of strikes I see is a…suplex.  Yep.  Oh, and Striker tries to explain why the Burchills hate DJ and Alicia’s stylin’ so much.  Doesn’t work with me.


Well, after some more hits here and there, things break down immediately after Katie Lea tries to run some interference.  This leaves the two guys in the ring, only for Paul Burchill to fall prey to a SHORYUKEN.  KEN WINS.


Winner:  DJ Gabriel and Alicia Fox


What Stood Out:  I doubt it means anything, but I sort of forgot how the Burchill’s music went.  Yeah, they don’t get their entrance televised too often.



And our first inductee to the hall of fame 2009…MOHAMMED HASSAN!  Oh wait, nope, just Stone Cold.  The opening music kind of fooled me.  Must’ve missed the gimmick where Austin was a holy man.  Though Cult of Personality makes up for it.  I might hear it all the time on the radio (Affirmative Action no doubt), but it’s just a damn good song.  Though I’m expecting CM Punk to come out and sign a contract extension on the ROH Title any time now…


Seriously though, to bottom line it, it was only a matter of time before Austin got into the hall.  Seeing how he, you know, almost single-handedly saved WWE and all.  Debate with me if you must, but can you deny it?  Really?



Back from break, we get Tommy Dreamer…in a suit.  OMG he joined the Main Event Mafia!  Ahh, had to get a shot in at TNA sooner or later.  Dreamer goes from jovial to somber almost immediately, talking about his career.  He almost gets moved to tears, either from realizing just how many times he lost, or how shitty the new ECW is compared to the glory days.  I can’t figure out which, as both are pretty terrible.  Obviously, this speech is leading to Dreamer setting a date for his retirement – June 6.  He can’t look at himself in the “mirra” anymore, damn it!  God I love accents.  Anyway, to sum it up, he’s retiring if he doesn’t win the ECW Championship by then.  What’s this?  An actual lengthy storyline in ECW?  HOLY SHIT!  Though, to me, that speech kind of gave away how the main event is going to end.  Whoops!



Aww, isn’t this cute.  Ricky Ortiz is about to get his mack on with Generic Blonde Tiffany.  The hilarity of it is that they don’t say a thing.  They look to the camera for their cue, and then go for it.  It’s like low-grade porn.  Before the deed can be done, Hornswoggle interrupts with a mini-gong, with daddy Finlay giving chase.  Midgets and geezers too?  It really IS like low-grade porn!



The Boogeyman Vs.  Once again, who cares?


Apparently the arena has some poor-ass ventilation, as the red smoke refuses to leave the ring for the entire segment.  That’s the only difference I noticed, as this match was like a mirror image of last week.  Snitsky slam wins it again.


Winner:  Boogeyman


What Stood Out:  Mmmmmm, variety.  Tasty.


Post-match, we get the worm treatment again. Yay.



For once, we get the SMACKDOWN rebound on ECW.  Guess they realized how much Raw sucked last night too.  Also, I thought police cams weren’t that clear.  Could it have been…staged?  NOOOOOO WAY.  This flips to Matt Hardy giving a promo, basically saying he won’t let Jeff’s crap distract him from his title defense tonight.  Oh, also he does this entire promo, staring so intently into the camera, his eyes cross.  I laugh heartily.  Southern drawl and retardation? Check.  Just add in some domestic abuse and incest, and the transformation to complete stereotype is complete.



Wow, ECW was the highest rated Sci-Fi show for 15 weeks!  And yet I still don’t care.  And here are some clips of Vince McMahon firing people, to hype his return tomorrow.  And, that’s all I can say.



Jack Swagger Vs. ECW Champion Matt Hardy, Title Match


The in-ring announcements!  Uh oh, big match coming, especially considering it’s still 20 minutes before the show’s over…and before anything can really get going, COMMERCIALS!  Some amateur stuff was in there, but yeah, the beginning was cut out immediately.  Kind of hurts the momentum, you know.


Back from break, and it’s rest hold time already, with Swagger having Hardy in a headlock.  Matt quickly stops that with a whip into the corner, followed by the clothesline/bulldog.  Things spill to the outside, and Swagger goes ape, beating his chest.  I don’t think Mark Henry is amused by this blatant gimmick infringement.  Things go back into the ring soon enough, with Jack practicing more of his gorilla style on Matt.  Hits, hits, and more hits.  Man this is boring to recap.  Oh look, more commercials.


Back from break, we get Matt getting his ass superplexed when he tries to go up top.  Why does he even go to the top rope anymore?  And just as soon as I complete that thought, he regains the advantage and goes to the top AGAIN.  Though, this time he reverses the reverse, and gets a powerbomb off.  Though it should be noted one of the turnbuckle pads came off during that exchange.  INTRIGUE!  Near falls aplenty now, with each guy trading moves like Side Russian Leg Sweeps (Hardy), Vader Bombs (Swagger), and…more punches (both).  Swagger works the arm of Hardy some more, only for Hardy to escape, and…wait for it…go to the top rope AGAIN.  Swagger Counters AGAIN, this time getting Hardy in the electric chair position, and drops Hardy’s face into the exposed turnbuckle.  Doctor Bomb right after that and NEW CHAMPION!


Winner (and new ECW Champion):  Jack Swagger


What Stood Out:  I don’t know, a new champion maybe?  I hope he celebrates with injuring Hornswoggle some more.  Dishonorable mention goes to the Sci-Fi channel, who absolutely buttfucked this match with commercials.  Kind of hard to get into a match when I have to see adverts for Battlestar Galactica every 5 minutes.


Striker and Grisham rightfully put over the big win for Swagger (hey, it’s still considered a major title to me damn it) as we transfer immediately into another thrilling episode of Scare Tactics.  Joy.  THE END.



Uppers:  Going to have to give credit where it’s due to the Main Event.  Commercial bonanza aside, the match picked way the fuck up at the end, and I certainly enjoyed it.  Plus, ECW is getting some plot going here.  With Swagger as champ and Dreamer retiring, we could have a possibly EXCITING and IMPORTANT match for once!  Slow builds are good, my friends.


Downers:  Everything else.  The opener was just there, there was no point to Boogeyman (as usual), and the rest was just complete and utter fluff.  Like, I couldn’t find a way to properly ridicule it, that’s how bad it was.  I’m a little ashamed of myself, by the way.  Oh well, there’s always next week.


Overall:  So, that’s two one match shows in a row, with Raw last night and ECW tonight.  Maybe next week, what I’ll do is turn on the show at 9:45, and see if I can properly recap it.  I’m thinking, a Boogeyman squash, lots of recap videos, and something that makes me want to murder Hornswoggle.   Yep, sounds about right.



Provided you missed the first half of the show, you had a real treat tonight.  Of course, seeing dancing Brits fight incestuous soccer hooligan Brits is your thing.  Who am I to judge?  ‘til next week, hookers.





Alright, this report’s late this week.  I know this, you know this.  So, how about I explain?  Well, to sum up, sudden (and shitty) circumstances prevented me from getting the report in on time with the usual “humor” you all know and love.  So, because it’s late, I think I’ll do a little something special for this week’s report.  An experiment, if you will.  The experiment?  Simple:


Does Neil, when he is drunk as hell, provide a better report than a sober Neil?


So, I am going to recap this week’s ECW not once, but TWICE.  Once Tuesday night, as a VERY sauced and bitter Neil (due to the day’s festivities), and once, as a sober (but probably just as bitter) Neil.  Ah, the Internet surely is magical.  So, some ground rules first:


-         In commercial breaks, I’m giving drunk and sober Neil thoughts

-         In drunk mode, I will only use Word spellcheck to correct errors that may come up in my recap (I assume there will be many)

-         I’m using the same exact feed for both recaps

-         Ummm…do you care about these?  Didn’t think so


With that said, there will be no recalling of other things, and no intro (in particular, WWE’s mass firings, and the pretty good RAW last night…if you ignore the wrestling aspect of it) this week either.  Just straight up reporting ECW…um, twice.  OK, let’s get down to business!


SOBER NEIL  (Warning:  May be VERY depressing to read)


Still standing here in Chicago!  And we are getting into it right out of the gate, with Tard Grisham in the ring, and simply introduces former ECW Champ, Matt Hardy.  It might be just me, but for a guy who lost his championship and had his brother fried last week, he doesn’t seem all that upset.  Phenomenal acting!  Tard decides to focus on the more popular brother first, showing a replay of Jeff’s pyro mishap.  I loved the close-up shot, personally.  So what’s the injury tally?  First degree burns.  Oh come on, I get that from mowing the lawn in the summertime!  Grisham asks if he thinks it’s a coincidence or not, which prompts Matt Hardy to SHOOT.  He’s really good at it, you know.  Remember when he was SHOOTING on Edge and Lita by crashing their matches?  That was so real!  What do you mean it was a work and he basically lied to all his fans? BULLSHIT, I SAY!  Anyway, after playing second banana to Jeff’s crap, time to inquire about losing the title last week.  At the last second, Hardy gets a rematch with Swagger at the Royal Rumble.  Matt decides to suck up to his opponent (basically his whole promo style right now) which brings out Jack Swagger, the NEW ECW Champ, to a lonnnnnnnnnnng entrance.  Age Against the Machine gets to their second verse even!  Have to say, the song is growing on me a little bit.  Swagger, of course, proceeds to gloat.  He’s also working on the lisp, but it’s still there, and I still chuckle.  Swagger, in his gloating, goes for the verbal low blow via insulting Jeff, which leads to Matt FUCKING nailing Jack with a right hand, sending him to the outside.  Matt pursues and lays in some more haymakers, only for refs to restrain him.  Swagger gets a cheap shot in and runs.  And, that’s that.  It was at least a pretty good backdrop for their match Sunday, even if it’s probably going to be about 5 minutes long at the most.  YAY ECW PROMINENCE!



Sober Neil Says:  If I hear Samuel L. Jackson say, “AFRO!” one more time, I will murder a kitten.  Might want to think about that, advertisers.



Ricky Ortiz Vs. Adam Evans


Adam Evans?  Who?  Exactly.


I guess someone realized Ricky Ortiz needs a shred of credibility to sell any merchandise, so we have this match.  I hate face squashes, as they are quite retarded.  Oh, apparently Tard almost got punched in the previous scuffle.  That’s more interesting than this match.


List of moves:  punches, headbutts, hard Irish whips, basic bodyslam, basic backbreaker (which looked HORRIBLE), elbow drops, Saito suplex, FOOTBALL BLOCK OF DOOM, and finally (thankfully) the Big O for the victory.


Winner:  Ricky Ortiz


What Stood Out:  The jobber did nothing but get his ass kicked the whole match.  Also, for such a limited amount of moves done, Ricky sure looks winded…I imagine he wasn’t a running back in football.


After the bell, Ricky goes for a few cheap pops by saying Chicago as many times as possible, along with giving a kid a rally towel…which the kid no sells.  Awesome.



After a replay of Tommy Dreamer’s heartwarming speech last week, we head to Teddy’s office, with Dreamer chatting with Long.  Generic Blonde Tiffany just sits there and nods.  Earn that paycheck, missy!  Pirate Paul and Pirate Hooker Katie (who is looking HOT) bust in, demanding a rematch with DJ Gabriel.  All this gets Paul is a match with a surprise opponent, after the break.



Sober Neil Says:  If you drink, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD drink water before going to bed.  You’ll thank me for it later.



Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill Vs. Boogeyman


Oh joy, just when I think Paul might be getting out of his jobber status…guess not!  Also, what is the deal with that glove on one hand?  Is he just a big fan of Michael Jackson?  Well, considering one of his interests is incest (though tonight I don’t blame him), he sounds right up Jacko’s alley…


Paul Burchill goes to town on him early, just hitting, and hitting, and hitting over and over while Boogey is in the corner.  Wrestling moves on a wrestling show? HA!  Surely you jest!  After what sounded like a piped-in chant for Boogeyman, the tables are turned with a clothesline.  And another.  And a stinger splash or two.  The first actual WRESTLING maneuver is then attempted, when Boogeyman goes for the Snitsky Slam on Burchill, which leads to Katie Lea interfering, for a DQ.  Yay.


Winner:  Boogeyman


What Stood Out:  I must have opened the wrong show.  I could’ve SWORN this was a wrestling show.  Yet, here we are, watching a match that consisted of pretty much no wrestling moves whatsoever!


After the DQ, Paul gets tossed to the outside, and Katie tries to run, but is chased down by Boogeyman.  I guess she isn’t a hooker, at least.  Hookers would have no problems running in those boots, I’m sure.  Before she gets worms on her face (unfortunately not the one worm I would prefer either), Paul pulls her out of the ring.  Boo.  I wanted to see someone degraded on this show damn it! Boogey settles for putting the worms on the announcer’s table.  And, thankfully, we’re done here.



Sober Neil Says:  I wish I was drunk still, so I could forget about the Eagles sucking so hard last Sunday.  Oh well, Phils are still World Champs!



Let’s recap Raw last night, with Vince’s segment being the sole focus.  Hey, just like the actual show!  Also, did Steph smoke a carton of cigarettes on the way to the ring or something?  Because that voice is RASPY.  Not in a sexy way either.  Orton actually saved this segment, because Jericho’s humiliation was just plain uncomfortable.  Hey, thanks for being one of the only compelling characters on this show!  Now bark like a dog!  Yep, sounds about right.  The fact that Orton (supposed mega-heel) was getting CHEERED for obliterating Vince is kind of a telling sign, wouldn’t you say?  Though I wish he would’ve laid out Steph too.  And yeah, I know this is ending with some rehash of McMahon Vs. McMahon.  Yep, that storyline works every time.  Ask the Invasion.


Now let’s do the numbers for the Royal Rumble!  I laugh as I realize that this is pretty much the same EXACT promo they did last year, just updated with what happened at the 2008 rumble.  Though, 90 second intervals this year?  That seems long to me.  Probably because there really isn’t much to the rest of the PPV.  The hilarity of the biggest winning position (27) is also the one with the most fatalities is not lost on me.  Look it up on here even.  Harry Simon’s Rumble of the Damned.  It’s actually an interesting read.



FATAL 4 WAY:  John Morrison Vs. The Miz Vs. Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas Vs. Finlay w/ Hornswoggle


Commercials interrupt the entrances, so…



Sober Neil Says:  Know what I love?  Kids online.  There’s nothing quite as emasculating as getting shot to death online, and to have an 8 year old kid cursing you out.  Man, do I love it. 



After all the entrances, we can finally get this thing started!  Henry and the tag champs go to town on Finlay first, with Henry’s job being supervisory in nature.  He’s as bad as GBT in doing as little as possible for a paycheck.  Finlay battles back for a second, only for Henry to step in and DO SOMETHING.  Hey, first time for everything.  Not even 2 minutes into the match, and we get another commercial break.  Come on!



Sober Neil Says:  If you smoke, you’ll get lung cancer and die.  And I can assure you the end result is NOT pretty.  Aren’t I friendly?



Back from break, and Mark Henry is run…um, waddling wild on everybody else.  Finlay, Miz, and Morrison get shots in every so often, but they can’t compete with the POWER OF BLACKNESS.    So, what does Finlay do to turn the tables?  Cheat, of course!  What a good guy!  A few blatant stick shots to Henry puts him down, with Miz and Morrison rolling his fat ass out of the ring for good measure.  The tag champs then proceed to whoop up on Finlay, which they do quite effectively…until they get a double bulldog.  Henry, in the meantime, goes “fuck this shit” and leaves the match.  Hornswoggle hits a DEADLY tadpole splash on Miz, leading to the Celtic Cross from Finlay.  Before he can get the win though, Morrison knees Finlay in the head, and then covers Miz for the win. RUH ROH!  Partner Turmoil!


Winner:  John Morrison


What Stood Out:  Everyone played their roles as well as possible.  Champs worked together, the powerhouse was a powerhouse, and the face was a face.  I REALLY hope they’re not teasing anything with Morrison pinning Miz, however.


Morrison celebrates wildly as Miz just looks on in shock.  Please, PLEASE GOD NO.  THE END.



Uppers:  I would have to say the opening segment was good (with their frantic last minute attempt to generate interest in the elusive “buying the Royal Rumble for the ECW match” viewer), and the main event was pretty good stuff too, even if it was a bit short.


Downers:  Everything else felt pretty meh, if you ask me.  Ortiz and Boogeyman don’t interest me at all, so why are they on my screen wasting time?  Also, once again the complete advertisement rape of a show strikes again.  Less than 40 minutes was the actual show.  That’s over 20 minutes of commercials!


Overall:  Total throwaway show here.  Of those 40 minutes, you can take another 10 minutes off due to the recap of Raw and the Royal Rumble piece.  They VERY clearly didn’t give a shit this week.  Rightfully so, I mean, because there’s a PPV Sunday, and nobody’s buying it because of ECW.  Still, I have a right to be bitter about it.



DRUNK NEIL  (Warning:  May be VERY difficult to read)



Still standing here in Chicago!  God, how much did that movie suck?  Hey, let’s make a musical on stupid whore gangster bullshit!  IT’LL SELL MILLIONS.  Horrible.  Oh yeah, show, duh.  I’m all over it, yeah.  We start off with Tard Grisham in the ring, saying bullshit I just simply do not care about, followed by introducing MATT FREAKIN’ HARDY.  Oh man, remember when Paul Heyman said that to Edge?  That was awesome, even though he said he had TWO words for him, thus making him look like a dumbass.  Though, it’s Paul Heyman.  He ran a company out of business based solely on money, and he’s JEWISH.  The stereotype should have saved him.  Lame.  Anyway, I’m getting sort of off base here.  Get used to it.  Tard then decides that he wants to FIRST recap the AWESOME Jeff Hardy pyro mishap, however.  MULTIPLE REPLAYS ahoy!   Replays, to be specific, of Jeff Hardy’s bad luck last Friday on Smackdown.  God, the close-up version was awesome.  I distinctly remember going “HOLY SHIT” to how that looked.  Goldberg is superior once again, and that’s all there is to it.  Jeff Hardy, you are a pussy.  Take that pyro like a man!  Also, isn’t this sort of strange?   I mean, Matt lost the title last week.  So basically Grisham’s line of thinking was “Hey man, I know you lost your title last week but let’s talk about your brother first because he’s way more important and popular than you could ever hope to be.  Don’t you feel integral to the company now?  I mean, you lag behind your meth-addicted cousin.  God man, you suck.”  I think that’s how it went.  Though, if this whole “Jeff Hardy has bad shit happen to him” storyline end with Matt being the culprit, that would be kind of awesome.  Right now, it’s supposed to be Christian.  Why though?  What the fuck did Jeff Hardy ever do to Christian?  Supply him with some bad crack?  At least with Matt it’s interesting, if not completely ridiculous.  I mean, so Jeff is more popular.  So what?  So you assault him in a hotel staircase, try to run his ass off the road, and fry him with pyro?  That’s not overreacting at all, no sir.  OK, so to sum up, Jeff Hardy storyline = ridiculous.  Thought I’d clear that up for you.  As if you didn’t know.   Come on, I thought you were smart.  OK, so there was a point for Matt to be out here, and that’s to update the status of his brother.  He has first-degree burns as a result of the pyro incident.  Um, I get first-degree burns from going to the beach without sunblock.  So, REAL SEVERE INJURY THERE JEFF.  Pussy.  How is this guy champ again?  Because he’s popular with fat Goth bitches?  Woohoo.  All I have to say is I like fucking Dashboard Confessional and scarification and I’d be just as popular.  But he has ARM STOCKINGS!  OK, I’m beat there.  But not really.  Fuck that crackhead. 


Back on track (again), this leads to Tard asking Matt about something that actually matters to ECW, and that’s his losing of the championship last week.  Matt talks about how Jack Swagger was the better man next week, when…CHECK 1 2!  AWWWWW YEAH!  Here comes the NEW ECW Champion, Jack Swagger!  You know what?  The theme music is growing on me.  I was singing it to myself earlier today to help me cope with my family’s troubles.  Truly, the awesomeness of Jack Swagger has no bounds.  Still, I wish he’d fuck up Hornswoggle more often.  It gets me hard.  I’m straight, for real.  ANYWAY, Swagger (in full clubbin’ gear) comes out to gloat, seeing how he’s a heel champion and all.  First of all, Swagger has the total Guido douchebag in the club look down solid.  You expect to see every picture taken of him with puckered lips and spray on tan.  In fact…



Proof once again that I am always right.  Second, what is he doing wearing a fucking rosary?  I demand he do some Hail Marys and Our Fathers right in the center of the ring this instant!  Oh yeah, there was a reason he came out here, right?  Right.  Grisham decides to ask him how winning the ECW title felt.  He replies with “How does it feel!?  How do I look?  I feel great!”  Which makes no sense to me.  I bet it won’t make sense to me sober either.  Oh yeah, something about Hardy and Swagger having a rematch at the Royal Rumble pops up in here too.  I guess that’s important to someone.  Swagger decides to gloat about how great he is, like a good heel.  How precious!  Also he says how if Hardy thinks he’s going to get the title back at the Royal Rumble, his hopes will be going, like his brother, “down in flames.”  OOOOH SICK BURN!  Man, remember when that was Beth Phoenix’s finisher!  Remember when Victoria broke Beth Phoenix’s jaw?  Victoria retired last week.  I’m sad now.  Who will give me awesome rims (and rimjobs) now?  Got off track again.  Hardy does not approve of his brother being brought into his shit, so he VERY stiffly decks Swagger with a right hand, sending his frosted tips ass to the outside.  Hardy pursues, and proceeds to light up Swagger with lefts and rights even though Jack tries to cover up on the ground.  Refs step in to break it up.  IT’S OVER BY REF STOPPAGE!  NEW CHAMPION MATT HARDY!  Oh wait, not an MMA match, sorry.  Kind of looked like one for a bit.  While the refs restrain Hardy, Swagger gets in a cheap shot, because he’s the champ, and champs have certain privileges.  DQ!  REVERSE THE DECISION!  Swagger then proceeds to puss out.  And, with that note, we’re done here.  Wow, I wrote quite a bit on this opening segment.  Simply put, I fucking rule.  Quantity over quality, baby.



Drunk Neil Says:  Man, what the fuck is the deal with Tim Burton?  I never get his movies.  I just don’t know how this guy stays in business when all he does is make films that creep out children and adults at the same time, AND cast his girlfriend/wife/whatever in all the leading female roles.  JEFFERTON ALIVE!  Sorry, Tom goes to the Mayor is more interesting than Coraline.  GARY BUSEY!



Ricky Ortiz Vs. Jobber Magnifico, who cares what his name is


Oh, this guy’s still here?  Man, I am glad I’m numb to the pain this guy brings to the ring.  Who the fuck has a good guy do squash matches anyway?  ECW, that’s who.  Avant garde, that’s all there is to it.  Striker tries to make the jobber sound important, and FAILS.  Sorry Striker, back to remedial class for you.  Or going off to Japan or whatever you did to get your ass kicked out of a teaching gig.  Whatever.  Announcing is obviously your thing.  That and snidely making fun of Democrats.  Vince must love you.


So, how does this one end?   JACK EVANS WINS!  Oh wait, I came back to reality, sorry.  Ortiz busts out the IMPRESSIVE SHOULDER BLOCK OF DOOM, along with an admittedly cool looking suplex.  If he killed a bitch in the ring, I would’ve immediately marked for this guy so hard, that I might have a stroke.  So yeah, after that suplex, it’s Big O time!  God that running splash looks better every time I see it.  Warrior would be proud.  At least, he would be when he’s not busy bashing gays.  So yeah, there’s the pin.  Goodie.


Winner:   Ricky Ortiz


What Stood Out:  Ricky looked SUPER SERIAL during the match, actually.  Really!  Edgy Ricky Ortiz!  Maybe he can drink beer and hand out a few Ricky O Stunners to all of the ECW Roster!  That might get him over!  The complete opposite of Stone Cold!  And I mean that in every sense, as Stone Cold was entertaining and worthwhile TV.


After the match, Ricky grabs a microphone.  Joy.  He DEMANDS the towels keep rallying, and then goes to give his personal towel to a nearby kid at ringside…who proceeds to not give a shit.  HAHAHAHA FUCK YOU RICKY, YOU WORTHLESS LOAD.  Back to the XFL for you!



TO THE BACK now, with Tommy Dreamer having a chitchat with Teddy Long and Generic Blonde Tiffany (well, not so much her as she only makes facial expressions and doesn’t actually say anything.  WAY TO EARN THAT PAYCHECK).   Teddy is discussing his announcement last week (which was replayed in case you have some really bad amnesia), to which Dreamer respects Long’s opinion.  Basically, this is a completely pointless conversation.  Well, until the Burchills roll into the office.  Especially Katie Lea.  Tight leather pants.  SCHWING!  Man, wish I was her brother right about now, so I could dine at the Y tonight baby!  So yeah, after taking a swipe at Tommy’s shitty career, it’s time to demand a rematch with the INTENSE feud between the Burchills and DJ Gabriel/Alicia Fox.  Wrestlemania 25, MAKE IT HAPPEN.  Teddy basically tells the two that Pirate Paul has a match next, against a MYSTERY OPPONENT.  INTRIGUE!  Also, he tells them that the match is next, and that they should promptly fuck off.  Which they do.  Okie doke!



Drunk Neil Says:  I resent that the Irish are stuck with the stereotype that they are always drunk.  I’m sober when I do this show damn it!  Just not tonight.  Are you claiming I drink to deal with my problems.  I think you just did.  I’ll see you out back in a second.



Paul Burchill w/ HOT Katie Lea Burchill Vs……The Boogeyman!  Try and be surprised, please?


I would like to make a little comment.  I noticed the boots Katie be wearing have that little flap at the top.  You know what other people had boots with little flaps at the top?  PIRATES.  And…PIRATE PAUL BURCHILL.  The tribute is there.  You just need to look for it.  Man I am a perv.


So yeah, this is not exactly a squash match, with Paul actually getting a lot of offense in.  It makes me happy, as I am starting to really not like Boogeyman lately.  Why?  Oh, I could sum it up very quickly, actually, once Boogey gets on offense.  Which he soon does, hitting nothing but clotheslines and stinger splashes.  WOW.  ENTHRALLING.  I’m very happy Boogeyman’s offense is so varied, let me tell you.  Boogeyman soon after goes for the Snitsky Slam, but pirate hooker Katie runs in to…um, kick Boogey in the back of the kneecap area, scoring a DQ.  Man, I could go for some soft serve right now.


Winner:  Boogeyman


What Stood Out:  Someone looked decent against Boogeyman!  That’s all the proof you need!  Paul’s the real deal!  PUSH.  NOW.  Also, tight leather pants on Katie = serious chub.  I hope that I’ve disturbed you.


How dare Katie interrupt a Boogeyman squash!  She must get worms!  Boogey chases her down, and is about to give her a tasty snack, when Paul runs in and saves her, to which the Alabaman couple scurries to the back.  So, expect her to get it in the future, then fired.  Why?  She’s not blonde, of course.  She’s even trying to accommodate with blonde highlights, but too little, too late.



Drunk Neil Says:  Why was King of the Hill on for so long?  We get it, they’re hick Texans.  Funny, really.  Oh wait, not it’s not.  God, Adult Swim, why would you pick this shit up?  It’s as bad, if not worse than, 12 Oz. Mouse.  Who thought that was funny?



Recap video of Raw now, focusing mainly on Vince’s return, and subsequently awesome punting by Orton.  Though the humiliation of Jericho was quite depressing.  They simply CANNOT let go making fun of Jericho whenever possible.  Luckily, Orton decided to be awesome for once.  Wow.  Who would have thought that possible?  Seriously?


REPLAY OF ROYAL RUMBLE STATS NOW!  1:  The number of times I cared about the outcome of that match – when Bret Hart and Lex Luger hit the floor at the same time.  Yeah.  I just emasculated the Royal Rumble.  Eat it.



FATAL 4 WAY:  John Morrison Vs. The Miz Vs. Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas Vs. Finlay w/ Hornswoggle


Yum, pizza.  The perfect accent to alcohol.  Shame the Eagles are not going to the Super Bowl.  Last time I’m getting cheap pizza from Papa John’s.  Damn you Eagles!


So yeah, this starts out as you’d expect…or not.  I kind of just say that a lot.  Actually, Finlay runs wild on the tag champs while Henry sits back and admires the handiwork.  Anything to avoid physical exertion, am I right?  This is followed with Marky Mark going with the generic power moves that made him SO EXCITING throughout the years.  The champs once again eat it.  And…well, I’ve just summed up the first few minutes of this match.  Concise-ness FTW.  Let’s go to commercial.



Drunk Neil Says:  NEVER get a drink on the rocks.  Ice dilutes your booze.  You know who likes their hooch diluted?  Pussies.  Are you a pussy?  I don’t think so.  Get that shit straight.  And make it a double.  Especially if you’re underage.  Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?  Exactly.  Drink.



Back from break, we get the champs going to town on Finlay and Henry, even able to put down the SILVERBACK Mark Henry down with a combination clothesline/roundhouse kick off of the ropes.  They proceed to gloat, but Henry proceeds to use the power of BLACKNESS on the tag champs.  Remember how this is a 4 way?  Yet it seems more like a tag match?  Or maybe that’s just me.  Listening to me now would not be wise.  Henry obliterates Miz, Morrison, and Finlay, but Miz and Morrison are able to mount a comeback and baseball slide Henry to the outside.  Mizark subsequently goes “fuck this” and leaves, probably because putting effort into any of his matches isn’t in his contract.  Easily understood.  What’s he gonna do, work? Har.  Like his kind would do that.  What? I mean Gorillas, which he is.  Um, he’s not?  Oh.  Man, I am digging myself a hole here.  Hey, SEXY PARTY!  Watch that instead!  Anything to get away from this blatant racism!


So yeah, now that that crisis has been averted, THERE’S A DAMN MATCH GOING ON!  Champs go to town on Finlay, but he is able to turn things around eventually.  Of course, this leads to what?  HORNSWOGGLE!  Tadpole splash!  What a deadly maneuver!    Careers ended in an instant.  DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME.  It was done on Morrison, by the way.  He rolls out of the ring, while Finlay proceeds to beat the hell out of, and Celtic Cross, The Miz into oblivion.  However, UH OH, Morrison is back!  Knee to Finlay’s face!  Morrison pins Miz as he’s out cold!  Tension between tag partners!  Haven’t seen this before!  Why can’t I stop using exclamation points!  I don’t know!


Winner:  John Morrison


What Stood Out:  I guess the point of this match was to show tension between the tag champs, but oh well, it wasn’t anything I haven’t seen before.  Mark Henry’s an unstoppable force, Finlay is a cheating piece of shit, and Miz/Morrison work together quite well.  ORIGINAL!


After the match, Morrison calmly explains to Miz that he was out cold, hence picking up the win.  No break-up yet, thankfully.  However, Morrison wins, because he’s awesome.  Pretty simple stuff.  THE END.


Uppers:  Main event.  Pretty simple stuff, and the also the only bright spot of the show, even if it wasn’t that bright.  I’ll take what I can get.  My legs feel numb now. 


Downers:  Umm, the other stuff wasn’t so good, yeah.  I don’t care much for this stuff, as other, more important stuff is on.  SUPERJAIL!  YEAH!


Overall:  Honestly?  Not great show.  I like that they’re trying to do something with Dreamer and the new champ Swagger, but that’s about all they got.  What was the point of the 4-way again?  I mean Morrison (the best man) won, but what does that get him?  A hearty pat on the back?  A gold star?  Come on.  Give me a reason to care!  And I’m easily influenced now…I’m easy to please.  I’m easy.  I may have given too much info away with that one.



So what did we learn today?


-         I am quite a bit more random while drunk

-         Total alcohol consumed?  2 Red Bull and Vodkas, 2 Rum and Cokes, and 2 Screwdrivers

-         Total time it took to recap drunk:  90 minutes – two hours (making those 6 drinks rather effective…)

-         This show sucked, no matter how much drinking you do (though it helps)

-         Cartoon Network has some pretty good shows on at late night


Ok, well, that was fun.  Hope you enjoyed the self-imposed abuse!





Hope you enjoyed the festivities last week people.  That shit wasn’t cheap.  Maybe I’ll bust out the hooch on another occasion.  We’ll see.


Now, I didn’t catch a damn second of Royal Rumble 2009, but at least it sounds interesting.  What I noticed in particular was the latest Hardy development (could be interesting if they play it right…but they won’t), and Randy Orton winning the rumble itself.  Dude deserves it, as his character has grown on me recently.  He has so much momentum going into Raw last night, so let’s flush all that down the toilet!  I realize Vince’s appearance last week gave the ratings a big-ass jump and all, but that’s because it was a ONE-TIME THING.  McMahons are good in moderation.  So, when Shane was able to effectively take on 3 wrestlers, even if they were the caliber of Dibiase Jr. and Cody Rhodes, it pissed me off.  I know Shane can do the wrestling thing better than half the guys on the roster, and that he pretty much always puts his opponent over in the end, but COME ON.  When Triple H and John Cena have trouble with 3 guys and Shane McMahon can do it effortlessly, there’s a problem.  Not to mention he was blown up after about 2 seconds, thus making his punches look like shit.  Shitty enough to knock Orton the fuck out though.  That whole scene was like having your boss say “all you guys are terrible at this, here let me show you how it’s done” and proceed to do all of your jobs.  What’s the point of you being there, when he can do all of your work?  Exactly.  Shane’s an office guy, and he should simply stay that way.  Leave the wrestling to the wrestlers.  Hopefully, ECW can make up for it, but I’m not being too optimistic here…



Still standing here in Cleveland!  Funny thing is I was there just this past weekend.  Unfortunately, my overwhelming desire to get the hell out of there won out before I could partake in any WWE festivities.  And here’s Teddy Long to introduce a Royal Rumble recap video.  Um, yeah.  Glad that our GENERAL MANAGER was benevolent enough to play Tard Grisham’s role for the moment.  Of course, the focus of this particular video is on Matt smacking Jeff up and costing the title.  And what comeuppance will Matt Hardy be getting tonight?  Why, being sent to SmackDown, as Matt asked nicely.  Teddy is such a great GM, isn’t he?  Sure, let’s give away our hottest prospect, why not?


As Teddy tries (in vain) to hype up tonight some more, the rosary toting Jack Swagger shows up to gloat about remaining ECW champ.  Hey, it’s somewhat deserved, as he can put on some pretty good matches, you know.  Later tonight, a celebration, bitches!  Man, can’t believe I dusted that old reference off there.  Oh, and sure, why not a celebration on WWE TV?  I mean, they always go so well.  Before Swagger can continue, A BOOGEYMAN APPEARS!  Swagger runs his ass on out of there accordingly.  Wouldn’t want some of that no-talent-ness rubbing off on you there, buddy.



Boogeyman Vs.  RICKY ORTIZ?!


OK, apparently Ricky turned heel when I wasn’t looking.  Seems about right, I know I boo his ass every time he’s on screen.  Just when I’m contemplating if falling out of my 2nd floor window is good enough to give me a permanent dirt nap, Boogeyman actually does some good.  Ricky tried to offer a towel, and Boogey responded by clotheslining his ass out of the ring and sending him running, making this a non-match.  Thank God.


Winner:  Me, for still being alive


What Stood Out:  Looks like I got an angel watching over me after all!



In the back now, we got Teddy being confronted by Jack Swagger…again.  Apparently, someone stole his belt!  OH NOES~!  Teddy responds by saying he’s very busy making shitty business decisions and running the ECW brand even more into the ground.  OK, maybe he just said the busy part.  Swagger sarcastically tells the GM good job, and goes off to find Generic Blonde Tiffany.  Why?  Teddy offered her help.  Yay!  She has a use now!



Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Vs. Finlay w/ Hornswoggle


Well, Finlay at first didn’t come out with Horny, but then he popped out under the ring.  Ah, get my hopes up then dash them to bits.  Bravo!


Apparently all United Kingdom wrestlers focus mainly on stiff shots, because that is ALL this one is.  And boy do they look unpleasant.  Paul gets an upper hand, and then it’s resthold city.  Hornswoggle responds with popping out to chase down Katie Lea for some action.  Can’t say I blame the little guy in this case, as she was, once again, looking fine.  Properly distracted, Finlay gets back into the match, and hits Burchill with the stick to get the victory.  HA, just kidding, that would’ve made Burchill look somewhat credible.  Nope, Celtic Cross, clean as a sheet.


Winner:  Finlay


What Stood Out:  Man, when’s the last time Finlay got a victory with his FINISHER?



Backstage again, where Swagger throws up a devastating cock block when he interrupts Ricky complaining to GBT about his ass-kicking via Boogeyman.  And yes, that’s it, and you’re a better person for knowing it.



12 ROUNDS~!  I want to download this trailer.  Seriously.  Cena hanging on for dear life is the most hilarious thing I have seen.  I must make it my new signature.  Oh yeah, movie will probably suck, seeing how it’s SO DIFFERENT from The Marine.  Please say it’s straight to DVD, please.



Swaggermania is running wild here, with him now interrogating Team Blackness about the whereabouts of his belt.  He is subsequently drowned in sweat.  He was…um, let’s say 26.  What is with these 30-second scenes?



Raw Recap is up now, which is pretty awesome, all things considered.  However, I already said what my opinion on Super Shane was, so let’s leave it at that.  But still, nice video effects!



Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas Vs.  Tommy Dreamer


Tommy’s getting chants?  Sure, I mean if you lose enough people start to feel sorry for you.  Just ask MVP.


Tommy gets shots in early, but since this is a Mark Henry match, this doesn’t last long at all before the generic power moves of slow motion get to business.  After some corner avalanches, Henry starts wrenching the left arm of Dreamer.  And this match grinds to a halt.  I wouldn’t have minded the rest holds if they were later on in the match, but it’s fucking 2 minutes into the match!  Dreamer battles out with a jawbreaker, but gets slammed for his trouble.  A couple dropkicks and a second rope diving clothesline, and Henry’s off his feet!  Unfortunately, Mark is not King Hippo, so he is able to eventually get up.  Dreamer even hits the tree of woe dropkick on Henry!  Before you get your hopes up, Mizark was instead seated in the corner, as opposed to upside down.  Upside down Henry would’ve been awesome.  Failing to get a three count, Dreamer goes for the second rope diving clothesline again.  Never repeat moves man!  Henry teaches this rule by catching him mid-air and hitting the World’s Strongest Slam for the victory.


Winner:  Mark Henry


What Stood Out:  How about that Tommy Dreamer push, eh?  I mean, he did get at least some offense on Henry…so it’s a start?  Maybe?



In the back, AGAIN, with Swagger and GBT having looked everywhere for the title, but no dice.  So, with Teddy in tow, let’s head to the ring to sort this mess out.  Oh, and also prepare for depression, because it doesn’t take a genius to figure out who the culprit is.  I don’t even want to think about it – it’s too depressing.



After some commercials, we’re in the ring with Teddy Long, GBT, and Jack Swagger, looking awfully sullen.  Teddy threatens disciplinary action if the thief doesn’t bring the title out now.  What will they get, Teddy?  A stern talking to?  Jack grabs the mic and exclaims hilariously, THIS IS LAME!  No argument there.  Finlay is now out, and drags out Hornswoggle, who (sigh) has the ECW Championship.  As a quick side note, GBT is looking damn good tonight.  Just thought I’d focus on any positives tonight.  After some boring back and forth (Swagger insults Hornswoggle, Finlay threatens to take the title off Swagger in a match, etc), Horny is told to hand the title back over.  He does, and is rightfully shoved to the ground for his trouble.  Finlay immediately is all over Jack, hitting him with the microphone, fists, and finally, the title itself.  Jack Swagger is left laying, to some respectable cheers.  I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say it was NOT piped in.  Still, the bad guys are who again?  THE END.



Uppers:  Hmmm.  The girls were finely dressed tonight.  And that’s about it.


Downers:  Holy shit.  I would bet there was about…less than ten minutes of wrestling tonight.  That is bad.  Very bad.  Also, the multiple 1 minute segments were good…um, if you have ADD.  Instead, if you had IED, you might have assaulted your nearest loved one for this debacle.  Hope Orton wasn’t watching, else his wife might be having a LONG night.


Overall:  Know what I say about ECW a lot?  When one show sucks, the next one bounces back effectively.  HELL NO on that rule tonight.  God, I would rather be a white girl in Camden for an hour than see what I saw tonight again.  I thought the road to Wrestlemania was supposed to contain ENTERTAINING television!  0 for 2 so far, fellas.


Sadly, I did this report sober.  Really wish I hadn’t.  Though, on the other hand, the amount of alcohol needed to make this show entertaining would have probably either necessitated a new liver, put me into an extended coma, or just killed me.  I do like being reasonably healthy, you know.  Now, back to eating half of a greasy pizza.  Delicious.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).