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ECW: The Next Generation
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Welcome all to another edition of ECW on Sci-Fi. My head sure does hurt, Internet-land, and not because I imbibed large quantities of poorly manufactured tequila on New Year's. Rather, my near-aneurysm level of cranial dissatisfaction is directly correlated to the fact that I realized that I have to do this 51 more times in 2008. Sigh. The show kicks off with a recap of CM Punk getting his ass kicked by MVP and Chavo Guerrero from two weeks ago. I assure you that the video package was not presented in an overtly dramatic, soap-opera style sense of cheesy pseudo-tragedy.

Cue crappy theme song.

In the ring is Amando Estrada. He brings out Chavo Guerrero. Funny, he's wearing a poncho that says warrior. I wonder what observation JBL would make regarding this notion? Chavo says that Guerreros love controversy. Huh. I've never heard of that brand of alcohol. Uh-oh, here comes CM Punk. Estrada grants Chavo a title shot, only if he can defeat Punk TONIGHT (Yesterday). Gee, I wonder how this will play out.

Also on tap for this evening, ANOTHER goddamn Moore\Wang vs. Miz\Morrison bout. Not mediocre enough? How about we throw in K2 and Layla and make this an inter-gender three-person tag? Hey, what are you doing with that rope?

COMMERCIAL BREAK

John Rambo brings us a recap of the last fifty four Miz-ison \ MooreWang bouts.

Out comes John Morrison and the Vaseline smeared camera lens. Where there's Morrison there's Miz, and he's brought Layla with him. Cue the entrance of Wang, Moore, and Kelly. Now's a good time to start the heroin injection.

John Morrison, The Miz and Layla vs. Jimmy Wang Yang, Shannon Moore, and Kelly Kelly

The two skanks start off. Morrison makes a Rick Rude style gyration gesture towards K2, which allows Moore to hit him from the top. Cue slingshot \ backcracker combo. Morrison chokes Moore. Tag for The Miz. Hey, let's choke Moore some, uh, more! Repeat the "Running Interference" tandem move, or as it was called back in the day, "simply running into someone". Hot tag for Wang, whom goes nutty with the drop kicks. Yang cleans house and Layla's tonsils. Wang quickly scores the pin fall with a moonsault press on the Miz.

Winners: Jimmy Wang Yang, Shannon Moore, Kelly Kelly and Repetition

Quick reminder that tonight's main event is CM Punk versus Chavo Guerrero. If Chavo Guerrero wins, he gets to face CM Punk. Wait. . .

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Tazz is in the ring with that guy that got his ass kicked by Shelton Benjamin two weeks ago. Lanky McAss-Kicked says that he's more confident tonight and that his new year's resolution is to become a WWE superstar. Well, all you need is a good networking scheme and someone that can write you subscription steroids and your halfway there, young lion. His opponent tonight? Big Daddy V.

Scrawny White Guy vs. Big Daddy V Apparently, knife edge chops don't work on fat black guys. Maybe he should've utilized the far more effective chops of the barbecue variety instead. Get it? Because Big Daddy V is both fat and black and. . . Oh shit, the match is over.

Winner: Not The Scrawny White Guy, That's For Sure

Shelton Benjamin is making his way ringside. This is intriguing, but I need to know what is available for purchase at Taco Bell establishments and whether or not my previously owned automobile was susceptible to prior damaging before my ownership of said vehicle first.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

"Ain't No Stopping Me NOW!" Shelton is a great wrestler to be sure, but his improper utilization of the English language is highly disheartening.

Shelton Benjamin vs. James "Job. R" Curtis

The Gold Standard slams and supplexes the living hell out of James Curtis, son of Tony. No, not really, but everybody needs a gimmick. HIGH angle supplex by Shelton Benjamin. Hell, even Shelton's rest spots are cool looking. Curtis is allowed some offense. Huh, guess Gold Finger has a heart after all. Turnbuckle power bomb, anyone? And unnamed finisher for dessert.

Winner: Shelton Benjamin, Highly Literal Nicknames

Apparently, the ECW audience is comprised of goldfish, because the writers feel the need to constantly remind us that A.) things occurred two weeks ago and B.) things are to occur this evening every five seconds.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Raw Rebound time: Flair vs. HHH with some sort of stipulations involved for both parties. Willie Regal socked Ric Flair and now Triple H can't compete in the Royal Rumble. Yeah, I'm sure that ruling will be strictly enforced over the next couple of weeks.

Speaking of next week, guess what's on tap? Yet ANOTHER Miz\Morrison vs. Moore\Wang bout, this time with nonsensical rules of some sort being enforced. Lucky me.

Okay, out comes Chavo and Punk. Let's put this racehorse out to pasture early, guys.

CM Punk vs. Chavo Guerrero

Arm drag by Punk, followed by the head scissors. Chavo applies the hammer lock. Punk counters. Trip and kicks by Punk. Hey, why not throw in some chops while we are at it? Cross body by Punk. There's too much action going on, TV. I need a temporary moratorium and the opportunity to lust over economically inefficient products!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Back to our main event. Chavo clobbers Punk's legs. Huh, an attempt at in-ring psychology in this day and age? Color me impressed. Chavo works the legs, or as they're known in Spanish, "maize". Roll out the gauntlet of assorted leg compression holds. Then a headlock. Back to clipping the legs. More hurting of the walking appendages on behalf of Chavo. Head scissors reversal by Punk. Punk kicks Chavo and sells his own injuries. Awesome? Dropkick, and CM is a hurting. Chavo works Punk in the corner. Knee-Dog combo. Somehow, Punk was able to heal his own injuries. Messianic! Tres Friends by Chavo countered into faux G-T-S, resulting in a spill to the outside. Mad scramble to beat the ten count. And Punk wins via count out. Didn't expect that.

Winner: CM Punk, Main Events That Are Actually Kind Of Good

Tonight's Glimmer Of Hope: The main event was actually enjoyable, and I smells me a Benjamin \ Punk rivalry brewing. . .

Tonight's Prophecy Of Doom: Are we destined for a year's worth of Miz-ison vs. Wang/Moore? And what's with this jobber kid getting his ass kicked every week? And who said it was alright for Big Daddy V to continue being so?

Five Things I Learned From Tonight's Show:

* If it works once, do it 137 more times.

* Weighing less than 200 in WWE = punching bag.

* It's kind of hard to book television with five people on your roster.

* Surprise endings are sometimes nice.

* My head still hurts.


 
 
Let’s see it’s only been a mere eight weeks and I’m already back?  Some retirement!  This is your old friend Gersh and when I say old, it’s because I’m old enough to remember when WWE was actually mildly entertaining.  Sean promised me some virgins would come over to my apartment in exchange for writing tonight’s column but unfortunately it’s a bunch of guys who ended up eating my snacks, drinking my soda (too queer for beer?), and wanting to play World of Warcraft which I don’t even own. 
 
I just got home a little while ago from a screening of the new U2 concert film in 3D.  If you get a chance I do recommend it, as they do some cool stuff with the technology and it feels like you’re there in the middle of a huge concert in the middle of a South American soccer stadium.  In other words, I’m prepared for a huge drop in qu ality over the next hour.
 
We start off with highlights of last week’s version of the unlimited opportunities for Chavo to get an ECW title shot and this week he gets it.  I see the opening video is new (considering I haven’t watched this since I stopped writing about it, it might have changed weeks ago).  My heart is questioned and we are at the University of Virginia and we are in HD!  So does this mean this week’s Chavo-Punk match will be crisper and better visually?  Doubtful.  Maybe HD stands for Hardcore Deterioration.  First up tonight is an over the top rope challenge.  I’m guessing this is not for a Royal Rumble spot since everyone in this is already in it.
 

Kane vs. The Miz vs. John Morrison vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. Shelton Benjamin (Over the Top Rope Challenge)

 
Apparently earlier today Dreamer got a spot in the Rumble and when asked which title he would go for, he said ECW.  I don’t know what’s funnier, him choosing that titl e or the idea of Tommy Dreamer winning the Royal Rumble.  I’d be willing to bet he doesn’t even eliminate anyone.  And sure enough he’s the first one out by Kane.  The other three gang up on him and temporarily take him out while Miz and Morrison team up on Benjamin.  Kane sits up and takes on all three opponents and throws Shelton over but he holds on to the ropes.  Kane throws Miz and Morrison out and goes after Shelton but he uses a leg scissors to throw Kane out.
 

Winner: Shelton Benjamin

 
Kelly Squared is shown walking backstage and apparently a Best Body contest is next.  OK so maybe HD stands for Horrible Divas.
 
After a commercial Coach is in the ring and he introduces Layla.  Next is Lena Yada.  I sense a bad running joke.  Kelly is last and someone has a good drawing of Ron Simmons on their sign.  The music sta rts and there seems to be some confusion about who goes first.  Eh you know how this goes, yada yada yada.  Told ya it was bad.  You know it’s things like this and I wouldn’t be surprised if James NEVER comes back.  Kelly wins and honestly between these three, it isn’t much of a choice.
 
Another commercial passes and it’s time for the debut of Kofi Kingston.  He’s facing David Owens who looks like a cross between Batista and Tomko, at least as far as the tattoos go.
 

Kofi Kingston vs. David Owens

 
Kofi does a botched monkey flip in the corner then botches a cross body.  This must be live.  He does a double leg drop after a couple of chants.  Sort of like the Jamaican Worm?  Kofi hits a buzzsaw kick to the face and gets the pin.  I’ll call that the Jamaican Me Crazy.  Eh I’m a little rusty.  HD stands for Hollow Determination.
 

Winner: Kofi Kingston

 
Edge is psyching up Chavo in the back and Vickie comes by and wishes him luck.  I can tell I haven’t watched Smackdown in a while, when did she end up in a wheelchair?
 
They s how a big billboard that’s in Times Square in New York, which I’ve seen a few times and they then show some highlights from past Rumbles.  For the record I am not going.  They use a bunch of numbers like the fact #27 is most often the winner, #1 has won more than #30, and the Warlord was only in the Rumble for 2 seconds.
 
Colin Delaney is out for yet another match.  He’s lost to Benjamin, Mark Henry, Big Titty V and Kane.  It isn’t getting any better, as his opponent tonight is the Great Khali.
 

Great Khali vs. Colin Delaney

 
Khali hits the brain chop then the double-armed chokeslam and the Head Squisher. I gotta tell you Khali sucks even more in HD which now stands for Headed Downward.
 

Winner: Great Khali

 
Edge is out first.  That’s funny.  Earlier I saw The Edge in 3D and now I see just plain Edge in HD.  Edge is on commentary and apparently this match is now a no disqualification match.  In other words, IT’S AN ECW MATCH!  You gotta love how this match is being allowed only about 7 minutes of airtime.
 
Chavo Guerrero vs. ECW Champion CM Punk (ECW Championship Match)
Punk starts off aggressively and tries to rip the turnbuckle pad off (should have pulled a George the Animal Steele and eaten it off) but Chavo stops him and takes over.  Chavo ends up on the apron and Punk kicks him off.  Punk then does a suicide dive through the ropes and continues to beat up on Chavo.  He goes for a suplex but Chavo counters and drops Punk right on the hollow steps.  Back inside Chavo hits a baseball slide while Punk is in the corner.  He locks in an abdominal stretch, which Punk breaks out of and the champion ends up connecting with a big forearm.  He then hits the Pep si One then a bulldog.  He gets a two count, then goes to the top but Chavo hits a dropkick to the gut.  Chavo hits the Three Amigos and goes to the top.  He misses a top rope move, and Punk hits the Nyquil.  Edge runs in and hits a spear on Punk and Chavo takes advantage and gets the pin.  Wow, just wow.
 

Winner (and new champion): Chavo Guerrero

 
Chavo, Edge, the Edgeheads and Vickie celebrate as we go off the air.  HD now stands for Happily Done.
 
Extreme Moment: The top rope challenge was OK; at least they’re giving Benjamin a modest push.
 
Not So Extreme Moment: Really bad ending to the show, though I guess if they dragged it out this long he may as well win the damn belt.  I could just give this to my old reliable Kelly Squared instead.
 
I’m guessing there are still other columns for you to read so go do that.  As for me, I’m going to go back to my non-wrestling life, which features me having lots of sex!  In case you’re wondering, it’s pretty good.  You should try it sometime, you know…with another person.  Now hit my music!

 
 
Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.  Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!".  He also is filing a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).