Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

ECW: The Next Generation
(January 2007 Archives.)

January 02, 2007
January 09, 2007
January 16, 2007
January 23, 2007
January 30, 2007

Happy New Year to everyone out there.  In case you missed it, last week was a best of ECW show which was an hour of a blank screen.  Ironically enough, it was the best episode in the history of the show!
We start with a dramatic preview of tonight’s title match which would be really exciting if, you know, it wasn’t RVD vs. Lashley.  It’s like a trailer for a movie that promises all kinds of sex and then you realize it’s your parents’ homemade porno.  The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from Lakeland, Florida and Test is in the ring.  He shows footage of the match from two weeks ago where he won the triple threat match but didn’t get the most votes which he was really sarcastically surprised about.  He then refers to himself as the impact player.  Reportedly, Justin Credible was yelling at the screen before the manager at Target yelled at him to get back to work.  Sabu’s music hits and he makes his entrance for our opening match.
Sabu vs. Test (Praise Allah, eh?)
Sabu hits a series of rights but Test levels him with a clothesline and then hits a backbreaker, picks him back up to hit another, then a sidewalk slam.  Test locks in a bear hug but Sabu is able to break out of it.  He hits Test with a couple of leg lariats from the second rope.  Test regains control and goes to the top but jumps right into the heels of Sabu’s boots, and Sabu hits a tornado DDT but only gets two.  He goes to the second rope but jumps and hits nothing and gets decked with Test’s boot.  Test Drive connects and a pin for the three count.  Nice jobbing there by Sabu.
Winner: Test
We see a little bit about Sandman and then Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay are in the ring.  Elijah says everyone wants to know how they’re gonna win, either by knock out or tap out.  FBI’s music hits and they come to the ring.
Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay vs. The FBI (It’s-a Job-a Parmesan-a)
Little Guido starts off with some quick offense on Burke and even gets a crucifix into a roll up pin but only a two count.  Terkay tags in and decimates Guido with a boot and a belly to belly suplex.  Burke tags in and hits a high knee to the jaw.  He then hits a suplex then goes to the second rope but misses which gives Guido the chance to tag out.  Mamaluke hits a series of punches and a flying forearm but then Burke blocks another punch and is able to get a tag.  Terkay picks up Mamaluke and drops him face first on the mat before locking in an arm bar to get the tap out.
Winner: Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay
Commercial Comment: Did you know there’s a pay per view this weekend?  Do you realize this is like the fourth one in just over a month?  Does anyone actually buy them (besides Sean or whoever he blackmails if they don’t recap them)?
Next week we get CM Punk vs. Hardcore Holly because of course we haven’t seen that match yet this year.  Of course this year is only 2 days old.  Striker is teaching a lesson backstage about Holly and Bob interrupts to say Punk can’t beat him and definitely can’t make him tap.  We then go to Tommy Dreamer via satellite and Joey asks him why he keeps coming back for more against Khali and Daivari.  He says he does it because that’s what he is about.  We then go to Rebecca interviewing RVD.  He thanks Lashley for dispatching of Heyman and his guards and the fans for voting for him to get the opportunity.  You know, if only the fans could vote for the outcome of the match he might have a chance to win.
Brad Armstrong has joined in at the announce table and we hear the melodies of Transylvania as Kevin Thorn and Ariel come down to ringside.  Balls Mahoney’s AC/DCish music hits and we have our next match.
Kevin Thorn w/ Ariel vs. Balls Mahoney (Dems Some Nasty Teeth In Dis Match)
Thorn starts off with a bunch of rights then a clothesline.  As Balls is on his knees, Thorn kicks him in the back of the head.  Brad mentions the ref is a good looking guy and it turns out it’s his brother.  Thorn goes after Balls in the corner but misses which allows him to go for a round of Teabagging.  Thorn gets right back up and nails Balls with an elbow to the jaw and gets the pin.
Winner: Kevin Thorn
Balls is bleeding and Tazz wishes Brad good luck in his future endeavors.  He’s getting released?  Lashley is being interviewed by Rebecca saying he’s wrestled all his life.  He respects RVD but he’s not gonna let him win the title.
After a montage from the Tribute to the Troops last week, Tazz interviews Vladimir Koslov in the crowd.  He says he likes ECW very much and his prediction for the main event is that he can beat both of them.  He finishes saying (and I quote) “I love Double Double E”.  RVD makes his entrance for our main event followed by Lashley.
ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Rob Van Dam (Mile High Match, Either Referring to Lashley’s Hometown or RVD’s Frequent Condition)
Lashley uses his power early on but Van Dam’s quickness works in his favor to avoid getting beaten up.  Lashley hits a slam then locks in a bear hug.  Rob breaks out of it and goes off the ropes but runs right into a spine buster.  Lashley picks RVD up high in a military press and throws him right over the top rope.  He goes outside to bring him back in and goes for the pin but only gets two.  Lashley tries to throw RVD to the corner but it’s blocked and Lashley takes a boot to the face.  He then hits a split legged moonsault and gets a two count.  Lashley gets up and connects on a belly to belly suplex.  RVD tries to come back but Lashley gets him in a torture rack then drops to his knees.  Another two count then he does a delayed suplex.  Lashley waits in the corner and goes for a spear but RVD sidesteps it and hits a drop toe hold.  Van Dam goes to the top and kicks Lashley then goes for Rolling Thunder, but Lashley instead rolls out of the ring so it misses.  Outside of the ring, Lashley nails RVD with a clothesline then rams his head into the announce table.  He then tries to suplex RVD but it’s blocked and instead Van Dam lifts up Lashley and drops him on the table though it doesn’t break.  RVD goes to the apron and looks like he is about to jump on him but Lashley stands up so RVD instead goes to the top and hits a flying forearm.  The crowd chants “EC-Dub” but then the ref calls for the bell because both guys look hurt.  The crowd then chants “bullshit” (including the children in the front row).  They both receive medical attention as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment: I don’t know why but Tommy Dreamer’s promo was pretty awesome and the closest thing to anything legitimately ECW.
Not So Extreme Moment: Some might think the main event ending sucked but there may have been a legit injury there since it just randomly ended so I’ll leave the jury out on that one.  I give it to Terkay getting a tap out win from an ARM BAR (what’s next, Orton wins with a chin lock?).
There is a plethora of things to read here at the Fan.  You got your choice of all the excellent recaps from Cameron, Anvil’s Swagbag and British Bullfrog.  Also, if you haven’t yet, take a few days off of work (or school or jerking off) to read the Fanny Awards.  Not only am I featured on it, but so is everyone who writes for this site.  It’s beyond brilliant and a great way to remember 2006.  OK well it sucked for the most part but at least we can make you laugh about it.  Now hit my music!

I’m feeling a little bit sick tonight.  It could be for a number of reasons:
1)      It was in the 70’s over the weekend in New York and in the 40’s today and my allergies are acting up.
2)      A lot of my coworkers have been passing around the flu.
3)      ECW is on.
If you answered C, you are correct!
Tonight we get rematches galore!  RVD gets another shot at Lashley’s title, CM Punk and Hardcore Holly face each other again, and who knows what else can happen AGAIN with this thin roster.  The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from Peoria, Illinois.  Brad Armstrong has joined Tazz and Joey Styles this week on commentary (rumor has it he may replace Tazz in a couple of months when Tazz’s contract is up, if the show is still on the air that is).  CM Punk and Hardcore Holly make their entrances and we are ready for our first match.
CM Punk vs. Hardcore Holly (Third Time’s the Harm Match)
Punk hits a quick hip toss and tries to lock in the Anaconda Vice but is unsuccessful.  He obviously is trying to prove he can make Holly tap to lose a match.  They mention how Holly is a 14 year veteran and it’s amazing how in 14 years he managed to stay employed when he has really never been over (Crash gets more pops in Heaven than Bob does on Earth, do you think he flies around with a scale up there?).  Punk does a nice counter to a Holly suplex by hitting his knee into Bob’s head.  Punk tries to capitalize in the corner but ends up hitting his shoulder on the post followed by an Alabama Slam for the three count. 
Winner: Hardcore Holly
So that’s two long undefeated streaks that end this week to guys who either don’t need the rub (Cena) or guys who don’t deserve it (Holly).  One of the refs says to Test his match is next and he says he shouldn’t even have this match because he has nothing left to prove.  OK then how about you leave wrestling then? 
Elijah Burke is in the ring and when I get a good look at him he honestly looks like a black Randy Orton.  Not in the fact he shits in women’s bags, does nothing but chin locks, or gets a push he doesn’t deserve, but their facial expressions are similar.  He says Terkay is gonna stay in the back and issues an open challenge to knock someone out.  He asks the people in the front row if they want to accept until Sandman’s music hits.  He makes his entrance through the crowd and gives himself a nice cut from beer cans.  Sandman makes some very obvious remarks that start with F until Burke throws a punch which Sandman blocks with his Singapore cane.  He hits him with it a couple more times until Burke leaves the ring and decides not to get any more.
Great Khali and Daivari make their entrance and umm, didn’t his contract just end and that’s why he was on Raw last night?  Not to mention he just moved from Smackdown to ECW two months ago.  What kind of fucked up contracts do they give out around this place?  Tommy Dreamer comes out for this Extreme Rules match, in other words an ECW match circa 1999.
Great Khali w/ Daivari vs. Tommy Dreamer (Continuing to Decimate the ECW Originals EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEME Rules Match)
Armstrong repeatedly makes “he’s so big, he’s…” references to Khali and I would like to do my own except with a different comparison basis:
-   - --- He’s so green he was born as a Cabbage Patch Kid
-He’s so green he frequently gets confused as the Jolly Green Giant
-He’s so green rabbits nibble at his toes
-He’s so green when Dana Carvey sang the “Chopping Broccoli” song on SNL, he was singing about the Great Khali
-He’s so green gardeners lay him down for sod (though it seems more like fertilizer)
-He’s so green HE FUCKING SUCKS!
The moral here?  It’s not easy being the Great Khali.
Khali dominates early on but Dreamer is able to get a sign and hit Khali with it.  When he tries again, Khali punches it then hits the choke slam and covers him with just his foot.
Winner: Great Khali
Rob Van Dam is interviewed by Rebecca and he says people say he’s too laid back.  He says when he won the title last summer it was the highlight of his career and tonight he’ll win it again.  The odds are better that I get a sex change (and why not, I could grow some nice boobs).
Commercial Comment: I counted the John Cena Subway commercial airing four times during the show here, that’s four more times than trips to Subway I’ve made in the last year.
The Wrestlemania Recall is LT vs. Bam Bam Bigelow which could possibly be the worst main event in history but who knows, I bet they could top it this year!  Kevin Thorn and Ariel make their entrance for the next match.
Kevin Thorn w/Ariel vs. “The Reject” Shannon Moore (Vampires and Punks Actually Mix Quite Well If They Were Legit)
Not much to say here, Thorn dominated the match.  He finishes Moore off with the Dark Kiss, a neckbreaker with Moore on the second rope.
Winner: Kevin Thorn
The worst news of the new year is revealed.  Kelly Squared makes her return next week.  We now have answer D for the question at the top of the recap.  RVD makes his entrance followed by Lashley and we are ready for our main event.
Rob Van Dam vs. ECW Champion Bobby Lashley (Robby and Bobby Fighting in a Ring, the Wrong Guy Currently Holds the Bling)
Similar to last week, it’s Lashley’s power against Van Dam’s quickness.  Almost as quickly as this one gets started, we go to commercial.
Commercial Comment: So instead of doing Rocky Balboa, Talia Shire is doing Geico caveman commercials (she’s the therapist if you didn’t know).
Lashley continues to dominate this match with strength but on a spear attempt ends up missing and going head first into the turnbuckle.  RVD makes a nice leg drop by jumping over the top rope and landing on his head outside the ring.  Back in the ring he hits a split legged moonsault and only gets a two count.  He follows up with a kick to the face from the top rope.  Rob locks in a head scissors but as Lashley breaks out of it he gets a super kick to the face.  After a windmill kick and Rolling Thunder, RVD only gets two again.  Lashley goes outside the ring and RVD sets him up on the announce table much like last week.  He goes to the apron and goes for a leg drop but misses and smacks his leg hard on the table when Lashley gets out of the way.  Back in the ring Lashley hits a spear but somehow RVD kicks out.  Lashley then hits another spear and a suplex and appears to be getting ready for the Whiplashley when Test interferes with a chair shot to the back which causes a DQ.
Winner: Does it matter?
It just occurred to me Test never had a match earlier.  I guess it is implied that he skipped it because he had nothing to prove.  Either that or the WWE has gotten so bad at continuity they can’t even maintain it for one show.
Extreme Moment: Geez not much to choose from here.  I guess Sandman showing up was cool.  I think this award is going to end up going to anything remotely resembling ECW since it’s hard to find much else.
Not So Extreme Moment: Plenty to choose from here.  It could be Khali’s “contract loophole” to come back and make Tommy Dreamer job to him or the lame end to the main event.  But I will give it to CM Punk, the only star they really created losing his undefeated streak to Hardcore Holly of all people.  That is some of the worst booking I’ve ever seen.
Well may as well get some use out of this website while you’re here.  And you know the worse the show is, the funnier the material is!  You did laugh didn’t you?  Eh bite me, I’m sick and only got worse after seeing who’s back next week.  Now hit my music!


I’d like to start off this week by mentioning over the holiday weekend I watched a bunch of movies, one of which was Jet Li’s Fearless.  The reason I mention this is because there was an appearance by former WWE superstar Nathan Jones as a tough guy Jet Li fights.  The movie was pretty good overall but I have to say Nathan really milked his part for all it was worth.  Did I mention this just to rehash an old running joke?  Yeah so I did, big whoop wanna fight about it?
The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from Little Rock, Arkansas.  Tonight we have a triple threat match for the title with Lashley, Test and RVD.  The ring announcer (whatever his name is) introduces oh no, oh no, OH NO!  Yeah you know exactly who it is.  She said next week the Expose returns and she begins to give a preview.  The bell rings and I never thought I’d say this but thank goodness for Matt Striker!  He says her Expose is not good curriculum for people.  He says that the reason women’s feet are smaller is because it means they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.  Geez, he sounds like Cartman.  Next he’s gonna tell her to make him some pie.  He then says she needs to take a seat while he beats up on the guy who was responsible for ending her relationship, CM Punk.
CM Punk vs. Matt Striker (Straight Edge vs. Poser)
Both men exchange headlocks before Punk is able to gain the advantage with a couple of hip tosses.  He then hits a leg lariat to the face and goes for the cover but only gets two.  After a slam, Styles mentions it’s like the Anderson wrestling family.  Hmm is that a coincidence since Arn was the one who decided Punk should lose last week?  Striker manages to come back but as he goes for Punk in the corner he gets lifted over the top to the floor and we go to commercial.  Call me your personal DVR as we come right back to Striker having Punk locked in a leg scissors.  Punk breaks out but Striker is able to maintain control.  Punk then is able to take over with a series of kicks then a knee to the face.  He then makes the mistake of going for a back body drop and Striker tries to take advantage but Kelly goes on the apron and opens her top (she must have taken classes during her time off on proper clothing removal).  Striker is distracted enough that Punk gets a backslide for the pin.
Winner: CM Punk
Later tonight we have Sandman vs Elijah Burke when we get the entrance of Marquis (pronounced like Marcus) Cor Von or something, the Alpha Male but you TNA fans out there know him as Monty Brown.  I think they said he’s from the Animal Kingdom?  He’ll be facing some jobber named Cassidy Riley who looks a little like Chris Jericho (Y2Job?).
The Alpha Male Marquis Cor Von vs. Cassidy Riley (From TNA to ECW, That’s a Downgrade If You Ask Me)
Standard debut match which sees Marquis hit a devastating move otherwise known as the Pounce and then an arm bar to get the submission win.  By the way, it sounded like a TNA chant started at one point.
Winner: Marquis Cor Von
Marquis gets on the microphone saying he’s here to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.  Funny moment comes when the crowd starts saying “What?” and Marquis makes a funny face to mock them saying it.  We then go backstage for a quick bit with Lashley but does it really matter what he said?
The Wrestlemania Recall is of the Piper’s Pit from Wrestlemania 5 when he was interviewing Morton Downey Jr.  I actually just watched the documentary on his DVD and am looking forward to the extras.
Sandman’s music hits and he makes his head bleed from the nosebleeds.  Some fat chick in the front row doesn’t seem to enjoy getting sprayed with beer (she probably prefers Mike Awesome).  We then go backstage where Rebecca is interviewing Elijah Burke.  He says man to man he doesn’t have a chance no matter how much liquid courage he consumes.  He makes his entrance with Terkay.
Sandman vs. Elijah Burke w/ Sylvester Terkay (Bloody Forehead vs. Bloody Awful)
Sandman goes after Terkay with a vicious Singapore cane shot but Burke takes advantage and hits him from behind.  After connecting with some offense, Burke goes to the top rope but Sandman knocks him so he falls on the top turnbuckle.  Sandman goes for Burke but gets knocked back.  Burke goes over and awkwardly pins Sandman for the win?  What the fuck was that?  Sandman might have been hurt but that was really sloppy.
Winner: Elijah Burke
After a clip of Tommy Dreamer managing to stand after getting destroyed by Khali last week we go to Kevin Thorn and Ariel comparing a red rose to love and the black rose to destruction.  The Royal Rumble will feature 29 black roses and one red.  Don’t you just love euphemisms written by the creative team?  Back to ringside and our main event is actually a legit ECW match with no rules.  RVD makes his entrance followed by Test and the champion, Lashley (who sounds like he has new theme music).
ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Test (Two Bobs and an Andrew or Two Midwesterners and a Canuck)
Test and Lashley start off on each other outside the ring with Test flying into the ring post.  Lashley throws Test in and RVD kicks them both.  Test then follows standard triple threat rules and throws RVD to the outside.  Test then gets thrown to the outside where RVD puts him on the ring barrier and hits a spinning leg drop from the apron.  Back inside RVD goes on the attack but then a move by Lashley is completely botched and Tazz in his infinite wisdom (which is not for nothing) says “nice move”.  After a commercial (with yet another airing of the Cena Subway commercial), all three men are in the ring.  Test throws Lashley to the outside and RVD goes to the top but Test throws him to the floor.  Back inside, Test throws Lashley’s shoulder into the post.  The champ is able to bounce back with a couple of clotheslines and a suplex.  RVD breaks up the pin attempt and manages to take down both opponents with a flurry of kicks.  He then gets tossed from the ring again and Test goes to the top and hits a nice elbow drop (actually looked pretty good).  He only gets two and when he stands up RVD hits a kick from the top rope and follows it up with Rolling Thunder on both guys.  He then goes to the top again and jumps OVER Lashley to hit Test who rolls out of the ring before RVD can pin him and Lashley hits him with a spear and a powerslam and gets the three count.  Well at least we got a clean pin that time.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
Test is standing outside the ring bent over holding the belt and when Lashley comes over he clocks him with it.  Test stands over him saying it’s his belt (oh you mean it’s not just a prop like it usually is?).
Extreme Moment: I actually liked Marquis Cor Von’s debut.  The roster is so thin right now that a new face is welcome and the fact it isn’t someone from Raw or Smackdown makes it better.
Not So Extreme Moment: A tie between Kelly’s return and the awkward match of Sandman-Burke.
I said to myself I wasn’t going to do it but I have to plug Sean’s new blog because it is just so damn hilarious. Considering he rarely graces TWF with new material, you should be grateful he’s writing anything at all!  Why am I saying these things about my boss?  Maybe because it’s the fact I would love to say bad things about my boss at my day job but if I did would be making the same money I make here.  OK enough rambling, now hit my music!


So right now the president is giving his State of the Union address.  You could give a comparison to him and Vince McMahon.  They both took something that was once great and ruined its reputation by doing what he thought was the best thing to do even if no one who follows them agrees.
The bawdies hit the flow and we are TAPED from Mobile, Alabama even though they say they’re live (read in the rumor mill they recorded before Smackdown).  Sandman is in the ring as we open up the show, and then Sabu makes an entrance.  Several other wrestlers make their way out for an Over the Top Rope Challenge.
Sandman vs. Sabu vs. Kevin Thorn w/Ariel vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. Rob Van Dam (Gimmicky Goodness to Hard Sell the PPV This Weekend)
This is going to be hard to recap because much like a gang bang we got five guys going at once.  Sabu and Dreamer simultaneously get eliminated when Sabu pulls them both over with a hurricane-rana then Thorn throws Sandman out.  RVD goes to the top but gets caught by Thorn and nearly pushed out.  Rob gets control and hits a windmill kick followed by Rolling Thunder.  He goes off the ropes but Thorn is able to toss him over though he lands on the apron.  An exchange of punches before RVD goes to the top rope and lands on his feet then kicks him across the face.  I swear at this moment I just heard one of them say “I’m gonna try to throw you out”.  I guess it was Thorn as he tries to throw him over.  Why do they even try doing it slowly?  It never works!  They have to do it with impact or they don’t go.  Anyway, Thorn gets a stiff kick which knocks him over the top but lands on the apron then RVD goes to the top and kicks him to send him to the floor.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
Instead of tonight’s earlier announced main event of Lashley and Holly, instead we get a preview of this Sunday’s title match between Lashley and Test.  Umm, it’s bad enough when they give free matches after the PPV but now they’re doing it before?
After a commercial, Monty err I mean Marquis Cor Von makes his entrance to face Wes Adams.  Before the match starts, Marquis gets on the microphone and says when he comes to the ring either get out of the way or get run over.
Marquis Cor Von vs. Wes Adams (Flip His Name Around and He’s the Original Batman or the Mayor of Quahog!)
Cor Von dominates with a double armed suplex followed by a umm, Bounce?  Trounce?  Denounce?  I don’t know if they can use the same name so pick your favorite.  Ooh how about Counts the Amounts of Pronounce?  I got six!  He hits a Russian Leg Sweep and then a rolling armbar to get the submission.
Winner: Marquis Cor Von
Holly finds Test in the back and is upset that the main event got switched.  I think the fans are upset these two are even in the main event picture.  Kelly’s Expose is next and I’m gonna throw up.
Commercial Comment: Place your orders now!  “The Marine” is on DVD next Tuesday and it’s UNRATED!  I think in this case it means the MPAA refused to give it a rating because they wouldn’t watch it.
Kelly Squared makes her entrance with Layla and Brooke (who the fuck is she?).  They call themselves Extreme Expose.  I call this extreme crap.  Look they have choreography!  Geez if they want to have dancing why don’t they get Stacy Kiebler back.  The music gets randomly cut off but not for any particular reason (maybe the sound guy got sick of this garbage, woohoo the staff is rebelling!).  We then see a promo thingie for Test.   Matt Striker comes out for commentary on our next match.
CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke (No More Thanksgiving Match, Get It?  Because He Has No Terkay!)
Punk takes control early on and finds his way to the top but Burke pulls him off.  He locks in a half nelson (not to be confused with Oscar nominated Ryan Gosling) and before Punk can break it he hits a swinging neckbreaker.  Every time Punk tries to take control, Burke is able to keep dishing out the punishment.  I was about to mention Burke’s taped fist says 4-UP with means either he got four extra lives or he drinks a crappier version of a lemon lime soda but Striker happens to say the video game one.  Punk is finally able to take over the momentum and hits a high knee in the corner.  He goes to the top so he can go on the shoulders of Burke and goes for a rollover into a pin but Burke blocks it mid roll and grabs the tights.  Punk manages to roll the pin in his favor and hooks the legs for a three count.
Winner: CM Punk
After a commercial, Test makes his entrance while they show highlights of his actions of last week.  Lashley is next and we are unfortunately ready for our main event.
ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Test (Free Non Title Version of the Same Match As This Sunday Which Takes Any and All Excitement Out of It)
Test goes to the outside to meet Lashley there but Bobby decks him with a clothesline.  He goes for a powerslam but Test breaks out of it before wussing out and going to the outside for a breather.  We go to commercial here which I’m just saying so it doesn’t randomly go from Test taking a break on the outside to him with a submission hold in the ring.
OK this is scary.  When we come back, Test has a chin lock in the ring.  We see him throw Lashley into the chairs during the break as well.  He breaks the hold and goes to the top but ends up eating Lashley’s foot (mmm cheese).  Lashley then hits a clothesline.  Test comes back and knocks the champion down and in the meantime Test tries to expose the turnbuckle but the ref stops him.  While the ref is distracted fixing it, he takes the turnbuckle off the other one.  Lashley eats some of the steel (mmm iron) and then is the victim of a pump handle slam but somehow kicks out.  Test grabs a chair but ends up getting speared.  A series of clotheslines then a shoulder block and a big suplex is followed by a big powerslam and the pin.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
Lashley celebrates as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment: The Punk-Burke match was decent.
Not So Extreme Moment: Do you even need to ask?  I just wonder about the fact the song randomly ended.  I wish the CD had been broken and didn’t play at all.
That’s about it.  As always, check out the Fan for all your wrestling comedy needs since you surely aren’t getting it from anyone in WWE.  Oh and hey, how about sending me some comments?  Does anyone read this thing besides me and my mom?  That’s a lie, my mom doesn’t read it.  Now hit my music!


You know as I count down the days to when this show is cancelled, I read reports that are very conflicting.  Earlier today I read from an unnamed source (unnamed because I don't want to lose any of my three readers):
Vince McMahon was furious after the 1/16 ECW tapings and went nuts backstage. He hated the show and was screaming that there wasn’t one guy in ECW who knew how to work. McMahon was particularly upset with the main event. Vince is said to be mad all the time since that taping. Stephanie, Vince and Dave Lagana had a meeting about the future of ECW with Vince strongly hinting that ECW was on it’s last legs.”
Vince, you’re not the only one who hated the show.  Anyway, I then read that December to Dismember is scheduled again this year.  They could barely pull of a decent One Night Stand the second time (which they have again in June of course).  This really does not bode well.
Vince is walking backstage in an extreme suit!  Extremely loud that is, it’s yellow plaid!  He runs into Marcus Cor Von (maybe they changed the spelling because too many people were pronouncing it “Mar-kee”).  He then goes over to Sandman and is upset with him drinking beer.  Gee I can’t imagine who that would remind him of.  I’m surprised he wasn’t upset that he was reading what appeared to be USA Today’s Money section.  He thinks he got his name from the song “Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream”.  Makes sense since he’s been living in the past for the last few years.  The bawdies hit the flow and we are umm, I guess LIVE if they’d make up their damn minds in Houston, Texas.  Tonight we get yet another match between Test and Lashley which of course we need because the score wasn’t settled last week when Lashley got a clean pin.  CM Punk makes an entrance with what looks like his new shirt.  His opponent for the opening contest is Matt Striker.
CM Punk vs. Matt Striker (If He’s Straight Edge, What Is Adam Copeland?)
Basic early offense from both guys which leads to Striker doing an interesting corkscrew with Punk hanging on the ropes.  Striker puts on a chin lock but Punk is able to break out and hits a powerslam.  He hits a high knee in the corner followed by a doublearmed backbreaker.  Pin attempt for a close two.  Punk tries a move in the corner but Striker moves which puts Punk on the outside.  He goes for a sunset flip but Striker drops on top and grabs the ropes to get the pin.
Winner: Matt Striker
We get a video recap of the Royal Rumble match followed by Undertaker’s appearance at the end of last night’s Raw and you have to wonder if he will make an appearance tonight.  Yeah I’m sure he wants his final title run to be on a third rate show.
Vince sees Tommy Dreamer and Rebecca gives him a real big hug.  He doesn’t get why his name is Dreamer and says he deals in reality.  Tommy gives him an angry look as he walks off.  You know this show could end really great (with the originals doing something to him) or really horrible (he fires them all).  RVD is out next for yet another match with Hardcore Holly.  I guess Vince’s idea of fan appreciation is to have a bunch of rematches with guys we don’t want to see….EVER.
Rob Van Dam vs. Hardcore Holly (Educated Feet vs. Undeserved Tenure)
RVD uses his quickness but Holly is able to get RVD in position for a Alabama Slam though prevented.  Tazz says that people down in Texas like to say “Get ‘ir done!” and he keeps repeating it.  Repeat matches and sayings, and still 40 minutes to go!  Holly ends up getting tossed to the outside and RVD hits a suicide dive on him to knock both guys out on the floor.  We go to commercial and as part of the new ECW drinking game, I am betting for a submission hold when we come back so I can get wasted.
Commercial Comment: Carmen Electra eats Taco Bell.  I also fucked her last week.  You decide if either one is true.
OK well even though it didn’t come back to a submission hold, the guy who got hit last is in control.  It doesn’t last long as Rob gets back on the offensive with a nice leg drop.  He goes to the top and Holly pushes him off and he goes face first into the barricade.  Holly throws him back in and a big RVD chant begins.  Here’s the submission move I asked for, Rob is caught in a chinlock.  Van Dam is able to get up and drops so Holly’s head snaps to break the hold.  After a few kicks he locks it in again but RVD breaks it and hits a spinning heel kick.  Meaningless ten count and Holly hits a dropkick as they reach their feet.  RVD is able to bounce back and knocks Holly down and goes to the top.  He appears to set up for the Five Star but Holly gets up so he hits a kick instead.  He then goes for Rolling Thunder but Holly gets up, so RVD is able to kick him instead and then is able to hit Rolling Thunder.  After a pin attempt he knocks Holly down again and goes to the top by Holly gets out of the way and hits the Alabama Slam for the win.  Damn that match really pissed me off.
Winner: Hardcore Holly (FUCK YOU ARN ANDERSON!)
Vince confronts Sabu and he thought he was in Texas.  He says it’s a member of the Taliban.  He then realizes who he is and tells him to stay the hell away from him.  He’s coming to the ring next.
After a commercial, Vince finds Balls Mahoney and asks if he’s Irish.  He says it’s just like him but Vince disagrees.  He then says he’ll find out if he really does have balls.  Next up is the Extreme Expose with the skanks.  Thankfully after a minute or so Vince interrupts.  It just occurred to me he’s three times older than Kelly Squared, not that it would stop him.  He says he’s sorry to disappoint the fans.  He says he won’t be embarrassed tonight like he was last night (and the night before that and the night before that…).  He says he met some of the ECW originals earlier and thinks they suck, the original ECW sucks and anyone who likes it sucks.  Well, is anyone really surprised?  He wants to turn it into something meaningful instead of a bunch of suicidal misfits.  He then wants to introduce someone who is the future of ECW and brings out Elijah Burke.  Incidentally I’m now disappointed his partner was released because I came up with a great nickname for the team, “Jive Terkay”.  He kisses Vince’s ass like most heels do (thankfully in compliments and not literally).  After a bit of this, a “boring” chant starts as Burke says the originals will feel his wrath.  The generic ECW music hits and all of the originals one by one come out to beat the crap out of Burke.  Balls does some Teabagging, Sandman hits him with a cane, Dreamer hits a DDT, and Sabu gets a table and hits an Arabian Skullcrusher with a chair through the table.  Vince looks pissed and well you had to like that.
After a commercial, Lashley makes his entrance for our main event followed by the challenger, Test.
ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Test (Glad I Saved My 40 Bucks Title Match)
Test throws Lashley to the outside and peels back the padding on the floor to expose the concrete.  The ref tells him not to and he goes for a piledriver but Lashley reverses to a back body drop and we go to commercial again (even though it’s already 11pm).
We’re back and what do you know?  Test has a chinlock!  Now I can have my drink (and didn’t they do the exact same thing last week?)  Lashley gets up and hits a series of rights and then a few wrongs, err I mean clotheslines and shoulderblocks.  He then gets a delayed suplex.  He goes for a move in the corner but Test dodges it.  Test misses the big boot and gets hit with an exploder suplex (that was what Tazz called it) followed by a powerslam and the pin.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
Lashley rolls Test out of the ring which I think is setting up for the inevitable.  Yup, there goes the toll of the bell and the lights.  When the lights come up, Undertaker is in the ring looking right at Lashley who is looking where he knocked Test out of the ring.  Test shows up behind Lashley with a chair but Taker intercepts him with a huge chokeslam.  Lashley looks a bit scared as we go off the air.  One comment here though, Styles and Tazz assume this means he’s going for the ECW title as did JR and Lawler last night going for the WWE title.  HE HASN’T SAID ANYTHING YET!!!
Extreme Moment: You know, WWE is terrible at foreshadowing because they make really good stuff super obvious.  The ECW Originals beating down on Burke was nice as was Taker showing up keeping the whole title choice angle a mystery for now (not to mention an awesome chokeslam on Test).
Not So Extreme Moment: I could be obvious myself and give it to the Extreme Expose but I instead will give to Bob Holly for no selling all of RVD’s moves like he was fucking Hulk Hogan.
Well at least for a change I didn’t end the show with a big sigh of relief that it was over (OK I did, but I wasn't completely pissed off).  I admit I am a little intrigued by the mystery of who Taker will choose.  A year ago I’d want to have seen him face Batista (which I think was the original plan if I am not mistaken before his injury).  Unfortunately the quality of Dave's wrestling has deteriorated so much that it doesn’t interest me at all.  Taker-Cena could be interesting, and assuming they want to give him one last title run it may as well be on the flagship show.  As I said before, there’s no way he’ll go for the ECW title.
Show me the funny!  There’s so much funny here at the Fan this week that you need to pull a couple all nighters to read it all (kick back some Red Bulls, you’ll be fine except when that stuff kills you).  You get more of Sean than you know what to do with (which is the way he likes it), the regular recaps courtesy of our good friends Cameron, Bullfrog and Anvil and don’t forget about the TWF Cubed Forums!  Why Cubed?  Because they’re often referred to as The World Famous The Wrestling Fan Talking Wankers Forums!  Yeah Gersh, way to go out on a really lame note.  Now hit my music!


Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).