ECW: The Next Generation
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March 03, 2009
March 10, 2009
March 17, 2009
March 24, 2009
March 31, 2009
(03/03/09) Quick question, if there’s any
doctors reading this…what does it mean when your poop is yellow? OK, time for an apology. Apparently my Benny Hill shenanigans stepped on a few toes…namely the ones belonging to Fearless Leader, Sean Carless. How was I supposed to know he was working on that? And subsequently trivializing his work by just pasting a youtube link at a website? So yeah, whoops. I’ll take the
pay cut, no worries. Only ONE giant bag of money (with a Canadian dollar sign
on it of course) for me this week. Damn. Eh, I got nothing else…nothing
but The Weekly Pic/Gif of Hornswoggle That Entertains Me: Hope the dog pissed on him. Still standing here in Boston! Hey, I finally got it right this week! And for the first match,
a very special guest: Kane Vs. Boogeyman You know, I liked Kane. Anyone who can persevere through as much crap as that guy has, gets a thumbs up in my book. However, I could not possibly give any less of a shit about this match.
Seriously. Kane does not take kindly to Boogey’s
present of worms, opening up with a right hand, and eventually hitting a front dropkick to a seated Boogeyman. He eventually tries for the sortakinda top rope clothesline, but Boogey runs out of the way to hit some
generic offense of his own. When Boogeyman tries some top rope maneuvers himself,
all that gets is a chokeslam for the pin. Yep, that was the whole match. Winner:
Kane What Stood Out: Kane’s opening bitchslap, and that Boogeyman has lost two matches in a row now. If that’s a sign of “we’re getting his useless ass off the show,” I’m all
for it. Mark Henry Vs. Santino Marella
w/ Beth Phoenix and Rosa Mendez, Money in the Bank Qualifier I feel sorry for Santino sometimes. I’m sure he has some wrestling skills, but yep, everyone kicks his ass, all
the time, every time. I just noticed the highlights in his hair. I’m straight, promise. Santino gets on the microphone
before the match, bragging about his various body parts to Mizark. It was Santino
talking, so it was funny by default. It’s law. As you can probably guess, this one doesn’t
last long. Santino bounces off Mark, goes to the outside, Mark gets yelled at
by the chicks, Santino bounces off Mark AGAIN, and finally is planted with the World’s Strongest Slam for the victory. Also for some reason Striker and Grisham were slipping into Spanish tirades at points
during the match. Winner:
Mark Henry What Stood Out: So far, it’s CM Punk, Kane, and Mark Henry in the MitB match.
Hey, why not add in Mike Knox, Festus, and Boogeyman while you’re at it?
Wow, it’s like they’re not even trying this year. Oh, also
two squashes in a row. SUCH AN EXCITING NIGHT! Another Evan Bourne package up now, only
saying, “returning soon.” RETURN FASTER! Recapping the Dirtys now (from last Friday’s
The Dirt Sheet), which apparently doesn’t translate well to standard definition.
Fucking bars cut off some of the text! Lame. ANOTHER VIDEO now with the Raw Recap. What gets highlighted? HHH and Orton. I did NOT see that coming! OK, so how
is anyone a good guy here? Orton is a face-punting machine, and HHH’s whole
promo is how much of a dick he is. Apparently that whole “Good vs. Evil”
thing slipped their minds. Oh, and they showed highlights of Orton’s world
title win. Strangely, his opponent was left out.
I wonder why… Alicia Fox w/ DJ Gabriel Vs.
Natalya w/ Tyson Kidd Funnily enough, Alicia is actually treated
as a heel down in FCW. Yeah, I could see that.
I think she definitely has an air of “Total Bitch” about her. Or
maybe that’s just my opinion on all women. Easily confused and all that. Oh, and there was a commercial break during her entrance, meaning the dance party
went on for a long-ass time. Lucky fans. Natalya, because she doesn’t suffer
from anorexia, uses the power move set from the start, but a standing dropkick cuts that off.
Of course, that turnaround lasted all of two seconds, as Natalya counters a headscissors into a faceplant. Nattie eventually slaps on an Octopus Hold of all things. Well,
as close as you’re getting in WWE. Alicia battles out and hits various
dropkicks and other cheerleader-esque crap for a little change of pace. Of course,
that is ended soon too, as nothing works on heels besides the DEADLY ROLL-UP. In
this case, Alicia tries for a wheelbarrow bulldog, but she gets planted on a ground, and put in a NASTY looking sharpshooter,
tapping like a bitch. Winner:
Natalya What Stood Out: Hey, Natalya wins! Considering her STERLING record on SmackDown,
I was expecting an Alicia win. After the bell, Charlie Brown tries for
a cheapshot on DJ Gabriel as he tends to Alicia. All this gets him is hung up
on the top rope, and catching a European Uppercut (or STANDING SHORYUKEN, whichever floats your boat) to get launched out
of the ring. The Canadians gasp in shock as a result. Yes, HOW DARE HE BE UPSET YOU SUCKER PUNCH HIM. Apparently, that match was only to keep
from airing FOUR video packages in a row, as another useless trailer of 12 Rounds pops up now.
You’ve seen it all already, so we’re moving on. Hall of Fame package for Bill Watts now,
noting his executive positions in WWE and WCW. Hope they don’t really want
to honor him that weekend. If so, no moves off the top rope at WrestleMania. Holy shit, how did he think that was a good idea? ECW Champion The All-American
American Jack Swagger, John Morrison, and the Miz Vs. Christian, Tommy Dreamer, and Finlay w/ Hornswoggle, 6-Man Tag Match Hmm, looks like Swagger’s nose
has a cut on it. Small price to pay for the awesomeness of last week. Nope, I won’t get over it. Swagger…make that Miz and Dreamer
start off, with Dreamer getting the early upper hand with a neckbreaker. Finlay
then takes his turn beating the ass of Miz, culminating when he goes to the outside.
Miz tries to baseball slide him, but Finlay catches him in the apron, clubs away, and when Morrison goes to assist,
HERE COMES HORNY. Once again, apparently Hornswoggle has the density of a neutron
star, as he dives through the ropes onto both Miz and Morrison, who are bowled over by the SHEER FORCE of a 3-foot whatever
“child.” A for effort, guys. Apparently, Miz has been getting his
ass kicked all break, as when we come back, Christian’s tagged in to take his turn.
One spinning heel kick later, Dreamer is in off the double-team. Bad move. Morrison eventually gets in and hits his jumping roundhouse on Dreamer as he was sitting
on the top rope. Let the heat getting commence!
Morrison, Swagger, and Miz take turns slugging away on Dreamer. Apparently
they have to tag out, as pounding all that fat is probably very tiring. Dreamer
gets a few shots on Miz, but all that gets him is bulldogged into the turnbuckle (it was a pretty nice spot, I’ll give
him that). Swagger tosses Dreamer around now, getting a few two counts, and goes
for his signature NEVER LANDS spot, getting knees to the gut when he goes for the Vader Bomb.
Dreamer manages to tag in Christian who’s a (Shark Boy’s) house of fire, beating the hell out of Morrison
mostly. Innovative spots include timing a reverse DDT so that Miz whiffs on his
clothesline, the Diving Headbutt that’s never been used before ever we swear, and other Christiany goodness. Things break down soon after, as multiple man matches are prone to do.
To quickly sum up, Morrison goes for his springboard roundhouse, at which point Swagger blindly tags in. Morrison misses, gets hit with the Killswitch, but Swagger runs in, hits the Doctor Bomb, and scores the
pin. Winner:
Jack Swagger, John Morrison, and The Miz What Stood Out: Pretty blah and basic until Christian tagged in. Afterwards,
good stuff. Though Christian counting the lights two weeks in a row doesn’t
exactly scream SUPERSTAR… The heels have a hearty laugh over the
stupidity of good guys, once again. Looks like Jack got a bit of the bloody mouth
going too. Maybe he’s emo and likes to see himself bleed? Emo Douche. Sounds like a good band name. THE END. Uppers: Hmm, have to go with the main event again. It
can’t hold a candle to last week, but it was still good stuff. Everybody
played their part well enough. Tommy was the punching bag, Finlay slowly gets
closer and closer to heelishness (he caught an elbow from Christian during the end), and Christian was the damn near unstoppable
babyface. Like a smaller, but infinitely more talented Batista. Sure, let’s go with that. Honorable mention to Boogeyman
losing again. Certain people, when they lose, always bring a smile to my face. Boogeyman’s one of them. Downers: Pretty much everything up to the main event didn’t sit too right with me. I mean, all of the other matches were basically squashes. When Alicia Fox and Natalya is the second longest match of the night, you got problems. In this case, the problems are that WWE has no faith in Santino and Boogeyman. Boogeyman, yeah, I can see that. Santino though, I mean, have
they ever really given him a chance? He probably sucks at this point, but still. Also, not too keen on the even steven booking with Christian and Swagger. Luckily, Christian has a decent shot of getting through this crap, since he’s, well, Christian. Just make it to the draft, buddy. Overall: Not as good as last week, but still ok stuff.
Again, just watch the main event tonight. Everything else was just total
fluff, so why bother with it? That’s my job. Aw, some of you jerks wished me a happy
birthday last week! Who knew TWF readers have a heart? And on that note, until next week, ya fucks. Hey, just because
you guys care, doesn’t mean I have to.
Hmm, I’m recalling something I
said last week… “What Stood Out: Kane’s opening bitchslap, and that Boogeyman has lost two matches in a row now. If that’s a sign of “we’re getting his useless ass off the show,” I’m all
for it.” Hey, what do you know, DREAMS COME TRUE! Yes, if you haven’t heard, Boogeyman was endeavor’d pretty much the day
after last week’s show. Now see, I’m torn. I hate to see people lose their livelihood, but then again, no more Boogeyman on my screen. Well, if last time is any indication, he’ll be back in a couple weeks. Seriously though? I hope not.
Dude can learn a 3rd move somewhere else. One more thing before the show, and I
think you know what it is… Seeing that live, it was AWESOME. Ok, let’s get to it. Still standing here in Jacksonville! I am NOT looking forward to recapping that battle royal. I have enough trouble with tag matches! Speaking of tag teams… The Miz w/ John Morrison Vs.
Primo w/ Carlito, Brie Bella, and Nikki Bella As the champs mosey on down to the ring,
a recap video of last week’s Dirt Sheet, doing their impression of the Colons again.
Hey, fart jokes are funny. Carlito and Morrison run commentary. Oh, also the Colons got a surprising pop from the crowd…interesting. Miz and Primo trade headlocks as Miz
and Carlito argue on commentary. It’s good stuff (Morrison focuses on abs
and enlightenment, while Carlito plays straight man, talking about hair), even if it is random as hell. Personally, I’m focusing on the match for the most part, which is decent. Primo moves around, doing those things he does, until Miz decks him with a forearm, launching him out of
the ring. OK, there was more stuff than that, but fucking commentary distracted
me. After a commercial break, we get Miz
working a modified camel clutch, but Primo quickly battles out and hits a HIGH cross body for two. He tries for another one running off the rope, which misses by a mile and launches him out of the ring,
AGAIN. One of the Bellas goes to check on Primo.
So, the other one’s a bitch. Miz tosses Primo back into the ring,
slingshots Primo under the bottom rope, and works a surfboard stretch. Tard tries
Spanish, and manages to offend an entire race. Good job. After setting Primo up on the top rope for a super belly to back suplex, Primo rolls over him, and hits
an electric chair drop in one smooth motion. Nice. Springboard dropkick gets two, and a Russian Legsweep gets a two as well.
A few countered crossbodies later, Miz has a dazed Primo in the corner. Miz
goes for a running clothesline in the corner, but Primo rolls under him, and hits a backstabber, in another nice spot. This gets the win. Winner:
Primo What Stood Out: This was actually a damn good match, and the crowd sounded really into it.
Considering it was the Miz and Primo (two guys that don’t really spring to mind when you think “good match”),
that’s a huge hat off to the both of them. Also, Morrison and Carlito arguing
was pretty funny stuff as well. After the bell, the Bellas leave with
the Colons. Maybe they like anal? Time for more 12 Rounds bullshit. This time, it’s a profile on the villain.
What was his name again? Oh yeah, Miles Jackson. I don’t know how I forgot that, seeing how his name is said like A HUNDRED FUCKING TIMES in the video. Afterwards, we run into Khali and Runjin Singh having a lovely chat about current
affairs. Just because. Tyson Kidd w/ Natalya Vs. DJ
Gabriel w/ Alicia Fox So, Alicia’s a Boston native? I want to hear her say something to the effect of “I parked the car and went
to get some chowder” RIGHT DAMN NOW. Tyson gets the early advantage by drop
toe holding DJ into the turnbuckle, and lands some stiff kicks aplenty for a couple two counts. So, it’s time for some rest holds. When Tyson goes for
a wheelbarrow bulldog, which bombs as Tyson just gets planted on the ground. DJ
rolls, but when he goes for a vertical suplex, Tyson wiggles out and snaps DJ off the ropes.
Springboard elbow right after finishes it. Winner:
Tyson Kidd What Stood Out: Bad news for Gabriel methinks. Someone got beat that bad last
week, too. He was The Boogeyman. And
you see what happened there. DJ might be dancing to the unemployment line before
you know it. Another Bourne Package now, and he returns
next week. THANK YOU GOD! Raw recap, focusing on the Orton-HHH
shenanigans. A couple of things. Can
HHH simply NOT stay down ever? Last SmackDown, he couldn’t fucking sell
a beating for more than 5 seconds! You get beat up, YOU STAY DOWN. Holy shit. Also, WWE needs their money back if the Samantha
Orton we saw last night was an actress. Worst scream ever. Also, there are palm trees in St. Louis? No way I’m naming everybody in
this match so look it up if you’re so damn curious, Tri-Branded Battle Royal, Winner gets in the Money in the Bank match Yes, EVERYONE GETS AN ENTRANCE. This is OK, as we get to see Layla in some ridiculously tight pants. This, in turn, makes my pants tight. Khali comes out right
after to kill that one, luckily. My buddies were starting to get a little more
than creeped out at the bulge action going on here… As soon as the bell rings, Ricky Ortiz,
Kung Fu Naki, Vladimir Kozlov, and The Great Khali are all tossed. Seriously,
that was all of one minute passed. Jimmy Wang Yang, Goldust, and Dolph Ziggler
are all goners right after. Yeah, it’s a bad idea to give a battle royal
like 15 minutes worth of time. After Cryme Tyme eliminates Paul Burchill, JTG
TURNS HEEL and tosses Shad out. Or that’s just their gimmick, I don’t
know. R-Truth tosses JTG soon after. Back from break, only R-Truth, Chavo,
Christian, Regal, and Dreamer are left. Right as I’m done typing that,
Dreamer’s gone, courtesy of Regal. Truth and Christian relive TNA a little
bit going back and forth, but here comes Chavo to toss out Truth. Christian almost
gets tossed by him as well, but he battles back to unload on Chavo, until Regal runs wild on the both of them. Regal goes to throw out Christian, but he stays on the apron and drops Regal over when he charges at him. Chavo pounds on Christian, hitting the three amigos, along with attempting a frog
splash, which misses. Chavo rolls through and the two take turns trying to toss
each other out, which ends with the both of them teetering on the apron. Christian
then does that through the ropes both feet to the face thing he’s been doing since he came back, to pop Chavo off the
apron, to the floor, and Christian’s got his ticket to MitB. Winner:
Christian What Stood Out: Battle royals should be given lots of time. When like half
the people are eliminated inside of 2 minutes, you know this one’s a clusterfuck.
After the commercial break, when things slowed down a bit, it was good. Before
that, holy shit it was bad. Well, the right guy got the slot. At least it helps offset the hosstacular-ness in this year’s Money in the Bank. Sheesh. THE END. Uppers: The battle royal, for one. Like I said,
once things settled down, it was OK stuff. The opener was pretty good stuff as
well. Umm, the crowd was into most of the festivities tonight as well, so I guess
that counts for something, right? It has to in this case. Downers: Tyson Kidd had a nothing match, AGAIN. I
was expecting some kind of feud between DJ and Tyson, mainly because Jamie Noble’s out of commission for a while. I assumed that DJ would’ve kept him busy until he was back. Well, shows what I know. Also, in general, it just felt like
a nothing show. Lots of filler doesn’t make for a good show. Overall: I felt like half the show was missing tonight.
Hence the report’s a little on the short side tonight. Hey, don’t
blame me; they’re the one who sucks. And that’ll do it for this week. Seeing how next week is going to be on St. Patrick’s Day…I have to do
it drunk. It’s both the law of the holiday, and my Irish heritage. Can’t fight it.
As promised, I’m drunk. Happy St. Partick’s day, everybody! This show better
not fucking disappoint, or I’m going to be pissed. I could be bar-hopping
like normal people, but NOOOOOOO, I’m stuck doing this. All you assholes
better recognize the sacrifices I make. Oh, and I’m too lazy to find a
Hornswoggle Pic this week, so deal with it. I imagine because he’s Irish,
we’re going to be seeing a lot of him tonight anyway…oh alcohol, you’re my only friend. …OK, originally I was going to
use youtube to get the ECW goodness tonight. However, fuckers decided to be like
NOPE, WE SUCK TONIGHT and thus, I’m going on straight memory for this one. This
is where you’re supposed to be happy, because it’s probably going to be very short. God I hate Tim and Eric. Still standing here in San Antonio! And what do we start with? Finlay looking
drunk, and Hornswoggle looking retarded. And then a wild Teddy Long appears! You know he’s wild with his Irish headgear and all. Or something. Finlay talks about how he boozed up and teamed
up with his son to sniff coke off a hooker’s ass when Horny runs off somewhere.
Probably to score some more blow. You see, because everybody else is getting
drunk on this day, the Irish are doing a little game of one-upsmanship and hitting the harder stuff. Look it up. Hornswoggle depresses me. Oh, and Finlay, for being so goddamn old, is surprisingly stylish.
Just thought I’d throw that totally straight thought out there. OPENING MONTAGE! Christian and MVP Vs. Shelton
Benjamin and Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas Dude, I don’t know why I noticed
this but Mizark has some serious bulge going on in the pants when he’s walking to the ring. Mae Young HAD TO be satisfied with that sexual chocolate. You
know how old women are all whores and stuff. Sooooo, MVP and Shelton start this one
off, and everything’s fine and dandy. Though Christian just HAS to be feeling
out of place out there. Just look, and you’ll notice it real quick. I mean come on, he’s the only Canadian guy in the match! MVP works over Shelton for a while, but then MVP has to go and FUCK IT ALL UP by taking a shot at Henry
standing on the apron. This earns him a headbutt when the ref’s back is
turned, and Shelton takes over going into commercials. Back from break, we get us some more
black on black violence…Oh man I think I’m tripping at this point. I’m
watching a show and it’s turning bad, and fast. Oh yeah, the match. I guess you care about it a little bit. If
not, START CARING! Henry is in and he does his one move for the night, and locks
in a bearhug, which MVP battles out of. Shelton comes back in and does more of
that offense that gets him a moderate push for a secondary title sometimes before being completely forgotten. Keep it up man, it’s all you have keeping your ass from being fired.
SO yeah, MVP eventually gets out of the pickle and tags out to Christian. The
white guy runs wild on Shelton, until Henry comes in to be a douche. This leads
to SHENANIGANS, with Henry spilling to the outside and battling with MVP. Christian
stares at the minority battle outside of the ring, only to realize OOPS there’s one left. He turns around and gets Paydirt’d for the loss. Winner:
Shelton Benjamin and Mark Henry What Stood Out: I recall this being pretty formulaic and stuff, but good. Christian
sure has been battling the “looks like a total bitch” bug since he returned to the WWE, though. You’d think they were petty about him jumping ship or something! Backstage, we get Finlay searching for
Hornswoggle still when they run into Alex Wright and Nitro Girl Storm, who say they haven’t found him. Well that was pointless. OR WAS IT?! It was. Though, I just found this out. Nitro Girl Storm was black. X-Men Girl Storm was black too. DEAR LORD, HOW HAVE I NOT NOTICED THE CONSPIRACY BEFORE? Because I’m sane? Yup. Hey, let’s look at WrestleMania
XX! Strangely, the main event is missing from said video package. I wonder why? Did I use that joke last week? Oh, and an extended look at Stone Cold stunning the UFC Heavyweight Champ was not lost on me. Again, WWE is not petty AT ALL. Just like I’m not petty. Hey Krystina, how did marrying that one guy go?
You know, the one you said you were engaged to in the middle of our date? Ha…women
suck. And not always in a good way either. Evan Bourne Vs. Jamie Noble Holy shit, Noble is fucking superman! He got injured only like 2 weeks ago via Mike Knox, and here he is putting on a kickass
match. Oh, and the pop for the returning Bourne was pretty substantial, so at
least WWE is creating a new star…for once. Noble and Bourne go at it fairly toe
to toe for a little bit, while Tyson Kidd and Natalya’s tits look on with intrigue from the back. Oh God, they’ve been reading my fanfics! And…it’s
too fast damn it! Bourne hits his kicks aplenty, but Noble tries to slow it down
with a camel clutch (fucking of ass not included). Kicks and kicks and more kicks…it’s
like a Tyson Kidd match! Except the finisher is more credible. PPSSP gets the crowd going and gets Evan a victory. Winner:
Evan Bourne What Stood Out: I am glad this guy’s back, no joke. Also, with a ready-made
program with Tyson Kidd which promises to be a pretty kick-ass match, Evan Bourne just made my reporting worthwhile again. Backstage, Horny got his cabbage all
over Katie Lea. I’d like to get something all over her too. I’d like you to draw your own vile conclusions from here. And now, probably the most pointless
thing I’ve ever seen. Jack Swagger comes out, gloats about how good he
looks, raises the title, and THAT’S IT. I guess it was to keep him from
not being on the show for two weeks straight. But this lasted all of like 2 minutes. Really? I mean, REALLY?! It just gets better and better from here,
as Tiffany wants, get this, an ALL DIVAS NIGHT ON ECW. Man, if that’s not
motivation to keep me on the bottle, I don’t know what is. Paul Burchill
barges in to complain about Katie Lea getting midget raped, and Teddy makes a match.
Joy… Finlay w/ Hornswoggle Vs. Paul
Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill Gee, I wonder who’s winning this? Though, the “job like crazy in your hometown” rule might be in effect,
with a slight variation. One can hope! Burchill gets an early advantage, using
his usual non-wrestling offense (hey, it worked for Stone Cold) for a few two counts.
So how are things turned around? Hornswoggle starts doing some table dancing. Tard was then seen filling his G-string with dollar bills. Or maybe that just happened in my mind. Finlay still dumps
Burchill outside, but Paul gets back on top and goes with a rest hold. Yawn. Finlay goes to the outside again from here, but when Paul goes for the crossbody,
all he gets is a sack-full of apron splitting the uprights. Rough stuff. From here, Finlay just hits the seated splash thing he does, and a Celtic Cross for
the win. Winner:
Finlay What Stood Out: Gee, an Irish guy winning on St. Patrick’s Day? I DID
NOT SEE THAT COMING! And to close us out, here come Miz and
Morrison with another LIVE Dirt Sheet. Because every other time they’ve
done it, it’s worked SO WELL. Latin bitch 1 and Latin bitch 2 accompany
Miz and Morrison tonight. One of them is into it, and one isn’t. Apparently, they like winners. So, they’re like Atlantic
City hookers, got it. They do some good ol’ heelin’ it up, insulting
Texas, and the Colons by putting on the ass-faces and beginning to rap. WWE: We do high-brow humor. Carlito and Primo
are quick to interrupt, bringing out the set props for the Cabana. Long story
short, at WM25 the tag titles finally get unified. The Ricans go for the apple
spit but hit one of the Latinas, which leads to the other one laughing at her. This
leads to a creepy-ass catfight (anyone who thinks this was hot is a fucking pervert – THEY’RE SISTERS ASSHOLE)
with the one being triumphant over the other. Man, that’s quite the description,
eh? That’d be like me posting: Winner:
Someone The one who got spit with apple was the
victor, OK? The other one leaves with Miz and Morrison. And that’s it. Leave.
Drink some more. THE END. Uppers: Evan Bourne. Downers: Hornwsoggle. And alcohol. Because it’s a depressant. Overall:
Very blah action tonight, I would say. Also the threat of an hour straight
of divas bullshit is not making me too happy. I need more booze. Or sleep. I’d like to think I’m usually
a happy drunk. This show kind of sucked it out of me. I’m a sad panda now. Goddamn, the last two shows have
SUCKED.
Welcome back. Haven’t checked any spoilers, but if this is supposed to be the ALL DIVAS SPECTACULAR tonight like
Generic Blonde Tiffany claimed last week, God help me. However, it’d be
fun for you, right? Seeing me become less of a man? Thought so. I have to say, as far as the WWE and
World Title matches go for WrestleMania 25, I am NOT looking forward to them AT ALL.
First, the World Title. So, we start off with John Cena Vs. Edge. Nothing really new, so let’s spice it up a bit.
Let’s add Big Show and make it a Triple Threat. OK, that’d
be fine. It’s when this love triangle bullshit with Vickie reared its ugly
head that this match just plummeted into a fiery demise. Last time I can recall
romance taking over a MAIN EVENT WRESTLEMANIA MATCH was back at 19, with Jericho Vs. HHH.
That ended well, right? Also, the matter of Vickie boning Edge or Big
Show is just such a horrifying mental image that H.P. Lovecraft is going “Damn, that’s fucked up.” You know, if he wasn’t dead and all that. Now, let’s talk about Triple H
and Randy Orton. Up until last night, this build has been so ridiculously one-sided
that I was expecting Trips to be riding to the ring come April 5th in a backhoe, just to finish the job. Think about it – what did Randy do to Triple H so far? RKO’d
his wife then beat him up the next week. Since then we’ve had HHH destroy
Randy’s house, threaten a robotic facsimile of Samantha Orton, and in the end, his wife was just fine and dandy. So yeah, I was actually kind of feeling sorry for Orton at this point. The end of last night was pretty good shit though. What can
I say, I like bitches’ faces slamming into hard objects. The main problem
is apparently “this guy wants to beat that guy” isn’t good enough for WrestleMania anymore, at least according
to Vince. Oh, him changing his mind on long storylines seemingly every other
day isn’t helping either. I mean, I’ll watch it, I guess. Only if I can get it for free though. At least I can always look at THIS to
cheer me up: Or not.
That was just even more depressing. Hopefully this show will somehow make
up for the past couple weeks. *crosses fingers for no all diva special* And awayyyyy we go! Still standing here in Kansas City! City so unique, there’s like, what, 5 of them in the country? Yep. John Morrison w/ The Miz and
Evil Nikki Bella Vs. Carlito w/ Primo and Good Brie Bella THANK YOU GOD! NO DIVA SPECIAL! So, quick question. Brie was the one who got spat on, right? So why did she still
side with the Colons? Oh, and finally the twins decided to NOT wear the same
exact thing! I can tell them apart! Yay! Carlito gets the early advantage, but
Morrison stops that shit cold with a leaping roundhouse when Carlito tries going up the top rope. After he hit Morrison with a scoop slam like 30 seconds into the match.
Come on, man, that’s just lazy. Oh, and since they went to break
right after this, allow me to further comment on the twins. The evil one was
dressed like some sort of…Latina Bronx/North Jersey hooker, while the good one had more of a Ming Dynasty Asian Tranny
thing going. Hey, I gets my amusement where I can. Back from the break, we see Carltio battle
out of a chinlock, hitting all sorts of flippy goodness. Also, Matt Striker is
strangely subdued on commentary. Like, depressingly so. Damn, even WWE’s sapping the strength from him too! Does
their evil know no bounds? Carlito and Morrison trade finishers, until Carltio
hits a spinebuster, causing the champs to hightail it. Lame ending – at
least it would be if Mack Militant didn’t start playing. Out comes Teddy
Long to stop them in their tracks, make the ‘Mania match a Lumberjack match, and out come the ‘jacks to get Morrison’s
ass back to the ring. This, for some reason, gets the crowd to pop pretty decently. Back in there, it’s roll ups and all sorts of back and forth goodness between
the two, but nothing puts either of the two away for the three. Morrison falls
out of the ring, gets tossed in by various midcarders, and gets Backstabbered for the loss. Winner:
Carltio What Stood Out: It was actually pretty decent. When Morrison was forced back
in the ring, it actually got VERY fast and furious. It got the crowd pumped,
so good good stuff. But what stood out?
Koslov being a lumberjack. Watch that star plummet! Though he sucks, so I’ll allow it. Right after the match, Striker and Grisham
announce the final HOF inductee – Howard Finkel. Now I realize he’s
not supposed to be taken too seriously and all, but when the video package is nothing but you getting beat up and stripped
by women, your WWE career has been slightly less than illustrious. Still does
a hell of a lot better than Lillian Garcia, that’s for sure. Roll some
more r’s for me, bitch. After Tard makes a dig at Striker’s
jacket (which gets a look of “I’m going to beat the shit out of you” from Matt, which I would wholeheartedly
approve of), we get treated to a Raw Recap of last night’s ending. Still
awesome, and they made it look more awesome with rampant blur effects and horror movie pacing.
Also, they added in like lion growling when HHH was flailing around like a madman.
At this point I’m just convinced trips is UNABLE to sell a beating for more than 10 seconds. He gets hit with a sledgehammer and he’s just woozy. Fucking
Christ, man, STAY DOWN. Recap of John Cena being on the Tonight
Show last night. No word if he got the same reaction he got on SNL. That is, some lone douche going “woo” and that’s it.
If that did happen, I would laugh and laugh and laugh. This goes into
another video on 12 Rounds, which THANKFULLY comes of Friday. So, at least the
constant bombardment of these ads might stop soon, and hopefully not with stab wounds in my eyes and eardrums as I had originally
imagined. My name’s ECW Champion The All-American
American Jack Swagger and Tyson Kidd w/ Natalya Vs. Tommy Dreamer and Evan Bourne Say it with me now - one of these things
is not like the other…oh, and Evan got a new little addition to his music. An
air traffic controller talking with a plane taking off. Again, NO WAY TO BE OFFENDED
BY THAT ONE. Seriously, no more plane sounds in theme music. Kidd and Bourne start off, going back
and forth, until Kidd retreats to the outside. Hiding behind Natalya’s
tits, Kidd hits a sucker punch, but Bourne sweeps the leg and tags out to Tommy. Tommy
sets Kidd up in the Tree of Woe position, but when Dreamer goes for the dropkick, Swagger tries to interfere. All that gets him is a shot to the face, and Bourne uses Dreamer as a stepping-stone to do the dropkick
himself. The two then proceed to do the Tommy Dreamer pose – you know,
that one where he stretches his arms out and screams. It was HILARIOUS to see
uber nerd Bourne do it. Can’t blame a guy for trying to look cool, I guess. Back from break, Swagger is going to
town on Dreamer, because it’s Tommy Dreamer and Jack Swagger, of course. Kidd
comes in after some Swagger elbow and leg drops, and Tyson works that chinlock like his fucking life depends on it. Swagger comes back in as Tard and Matt go to town with SWAGGER FACTS, the latest proof that wwe.com simply
does not give a shit anymore. “Swagger has no control key on his computer,
because he’s always in control.” I feel my IQ being obliterated by
the second. So yeah, after what seems like an eternity,
Dreamer finally makes the hot tag to Bourne, and what a hot tag it is! Crowd
gets fucking HOT as Kidd charges, only to get nailed with a slingshot hurricanrana coming in.
Bourne is on fire, hitting Swagger with an Enzuguiri to send his goofy ass packing.
Bourne goes up top, Kidd follows, but gets thrown off. PPSSP right after
for the bigtime victory pop. Winner:
Evan Bourne What Stood Out: Another good-ish match, this time with Evan getting some massive cheers from the crowd. And I mean MASSIVE. Good thing they were in Kansas City instead
of St. Louis, else I would expect Evan would be spending his second week back counting the arena lights. Oh, and hearing the entire crowd give up on their will to live. Kid Rock, performing at WM 25? Sign me up! Maybe I can go visit the World Trade Center while
I’m at it? It’s still 1999, right? Time for the VIP lounge, with all the
participants in the Money in the Bank match in the ring as we come out of the last commercial break. MVP is cordial enough to explain the rules of the match. Isn’t
that nice of him. First up is Christian, who basically decides to put the boots
to the fourth wall, saying eh, whatever, it’s just going to turn into a huge brawl in the ring anyway. After Christian gloats, here comes Shelton to complain about the lack of cheese and crackers and wine. Hornswoggle’s horrible, horrible laugh echoes in the background. It haunts me. CM Punk decides to bring up a valid point, as
he’s the only participant who’s won before. Also, man, club attire
policies have been lax, eh? Half the patrons are in their underwear! After Kofi says some Rastafarian gibberish that I couldn’t give to shits to translate, Mark Henry
makes a point to say how he’ll get the briefcase. I want to see him try
and climb the ladder, only for it to completely collapse. Along with the entire
ring. Finlay interjects, saying basically he’ll be a total waste of space
out there. That or he was going to whack the competitors with a stick. Whichever. Finally, MVP quiets everyone’s collective
asses down, to ask Kane on his thoughts. This gets surprising amounts of cheers. All Kane did was laugh and ignite the ringposts.
And after that…his music plays. And that’s it. Well, boo to you Christian, and your piss poor predictive abilities.
That was quite a downer of a finish. THE END. Uppers: Well, all of the matches tonight were pretty entertaining. They went long, they were fast paced, got the crowd pumped, all that good stuff. Not too much to complain about with that, right? Downers: Probably that there were only 2 matches tonight.
The VIP lounge was something that could’ve been sent to Smackdown, as that was a big waste of time. Basically, each of the guys said they were going to win MitB. Wow. That is some insightful shit right there. Still
not a fan of the sheer amount of recap/video stuff saturating the show, but I’ll take what I can get, considering it’s
got the double dose of crap regarding both Wrestlemania AND 12 Rounds. I just
need to hold out hope that after WM 25 this shit is going to subside a little bit. Overall: Better than the last couple weeks, in that I wasn’t bored into a coma as a result
of watching the show tonight. Still kind of meh on it though. Oh well, I’m feeling generous. Thumbs up! Once again, YAY NO DIVA SPECIAL. Hope it just wasn’t delayed. You
know, like some horrible apocalypse. Gah, it burns just to think about.
So, two things to get to before the report
tonight. Sit down, take a load off. First of all, how about that SMASH HIT
12 Rounds? For the uninformed, Detective Danny Fisher had a less than stellar
opening weekend, raking in $1.75 Million. Considering that’s pretty much
the highest take they’ll be getting a weekend, and considering that the movie was made on a budget of $20 Million, I
think it’s safe to call this film a tremendous fucking bomb. This
delights me to no end. Who knew seeing commercials for this piece of shit every
10 minutes would end up backfiring? For that matter, wasn’t WWE Films supposed
to be strictly straight-to-DVD now? Oh well, at least they have “The Marine
2” to fall back on, I mean AMIRITE?! Secondly, this: Action Figure Randy Orton
humping a table is just hypnotizing me. I
just can’t look away. Hornswoggle’s
back next week, promise. I know you’ve missed him. Still standing here in Dallas! And we get into some Money in the Bank related shenanigans right away: Christian and Finlay w/ Hornswoggle
Vs. Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas and Kane Hey, maybe Christian can go for the briefcase
again for no reason like last Friday! That was certainly a smart move and not
retarded at all! Also, Matt Striker decided to compare Mark Henry to Big Pun. You know, that rapper that was like 800 lbs. and died of a massive heart attack? Yeah, sounds about right. Christian-Kane start off (not the shitty
actor on that one TNT show), with Christian getting the early advantage and tagging out to Finlay. Finlay then tags back out to Christian after about 1 minute of work, which doesn’t go so well for
Christian. See, Christian is small, and Kane is large. It’s just the natural order. Quick Aside: Want to make a soft pretzel AMAZING? Hose it down with butter
spray and Easy Cheese. Oh yeah, we eat healthy around here. Back from break, Kane just Irish Whipped
Finlay (IRONIC I THINK) into the turnbuckle hard, before giving him a pimp hand and tagging out to Mark Henry. Mark does his usual “30 seconds of work before I’m completely blown up” shtick before
Kane tags back in to work a headlock. Henry comes back in and delivers a pretty
damn nice body slam to Finlay, then tunes him in the corner until his allotted 30 seconds are up again. Kane gets stunned coming back in, leading to the hot Christian tag.
Christian runs wild, Henry comes back in, Christian slips out of a World’s Strongest Slam, and shit just breaks
down from there. After Christian and Finlay clear the ring, Henry tosses Finlay’s
Irish ass out. Henry gets both feet to the face in the corner, but when Christian
goes for a cross body off the top, Henry’s like “nuh uh bitch” and just World’s Strongest Slams him
for the victory. Winner:
Mark Henry and Kane What Stood Out: Mark Henry, who looked mighty strong here, actually. Plus,
when was the last time he won a match? Since all of his matches are on ECW, I
should know that… After the bell, Henry and Kane try to
celebrate, but Mizark runs Kane over instead. I don’t blame the guy. They’re in Texas, and he’s standing next to a guy who looks like a skinhead. That story usually doesn’t end well. MORE 12 Rounds hype. Though it’s humorous now, because it’s more of a scream for PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SEE
THIS MOVIE. Sorry, not good enough. Now,
if they were promising free blowjobs with every ticket, then we can talk… Hype video for Shawn Michaels-Undertaker
is up now, and of course it’s fantastic. I would have to guess that it’s
pretty much a given ‘Taker’s going 17-0 this Sunday. There is NO
WAY he can be consistently made to look like a fool and NOT be Tombstoning Michaels’ receding hairline into oblivion. That said, this build has been awesome, and with the consistent biblical quotes, it’s
also been a viable excuse to get out of mass for a couple weeks! BONUS! Damn this package is long – at least 5 minutes so far. Oh well, it’s worth it. From one hype video to another, this
time it’s Edge-Cena-Big Show. This package is considerably less exciting. Vickie slapping Big Show’s ass to porno music will now be forever etched into
my nightmares. Thanks, WWE! Also,
I like how they somehow spun Vickie being a whore into it being Cena’s fault.
From my experience, the husband usually just divorces her ass. And this
one is also long. So that’s two video packages that lasted entire segments. Man, this is turning out to be one easy as hell night to recap. Thoughts on the match? Since I firmly believe Orton should
win to make him not look like total shit, I think Cena wins this one. Have to
send the fans home happy, right? If you want an example of what happens when
you don’t do that, see Wrestlemania 2000. Man, that show was AWESOME. I only wish there were more McMahons to put in the match! Time for ANOTHER video, this one recapping
Wrestlemania 23. Jesus Christ, this is just getting old at this point. Oh, I get it; it’s in Detroit, so let’s use as many automotive puns as possible! BRILLIANT. Also, haven’t they showed this one already
on ECW? I think so, so screw this. Show
was OK, Trump is a horrible worker, and we’re moving on. Luckily, that video package doesn’t
last the whole break. SO WE GET ANOTHER HYPE VIDEO. FUCKING HELL, MAKE IT STOP. Logically, this one is Triple
H-Randy Orton. I personally love them replaying the RKO to Stephanie over and
over. I think someone in the back is not a fan of her. Of course, that leads to weeks of Trips dominating the shit out of Orton.
HOW DARE HE POSSIBLY HAVE A WORTHY OPPONENT SUNDAY. Let’s fix that
problem right up! If they just left it at last week when Orton DDT’d Steph,
that would’ve been fine. BUT NOOOOOOOOO.
McMahon-mania just had to run wild last night, didn’t it? I
for one am so very glad that they cut it off mid-fight last night. With all the
male McMahons on one side, you KNOW how that fight was ending. I mean, Shane
schooled all three members of Legacy like 6 weeks ago all by himself! So yeah,
Orton better fucking win Sunday, or this shit is just getting beyond pointless now.
And on that note, time for more commercials! Aren’t you glad I’m
recapping all this important stuff for you? I mean, what were you expecting tonight
– WRESTLING?! Man you’re stupid. Nikki Bella w/ The Miz and John
Morrison Vs. Brie Bella w/ Primo and Carlito Haha, Morrison does not give a shit at
all about this match, as he is texting while walking to the announcers’ table.
Also, there is no break in the shitty theme music, as they still use the same song.
Yay, glad I heard the extended remix of that! Alright, time to get this
EPIC BATTLE going! Brie tries going for an early roll-up,
which leads to shoving, and they just start punching each other. Brie gets off
a couple adequate monkey flips, and for some reason smacks her ass afterwards. No
complaints from me. Apparently, it’s the only move she knows, as she goes
for ANOTHER monkey flip in the corner, which is blocked. Nikki gives a vertical
suplex, and a snapmare into a bow and arrow. The EVIL twin goes to the corner,
but the GOOD twin turns things around with a clothesline to the tits. After Brie
rolls with a couple dropkicks, Miz and Morrison come up with the distraction. The
Colons chase them off, but it lets Nikki sneak in a DEADLY roll-up to collect the victory. Winner:
Nikki Bella What Stood Out: WHAT A MAIN EVENT. It wasn’t like completely
offensive, but it was basically a match you’d see on FCW TV I would guess. Also,
Morrison not giving a shit was hilarious, as he was mirroring my sentiments. The
only difference is that I’m not wearing sunglasses and suede pants right now.
Other than that, we’re totally twins. After the bell, Miz and Morrison go have
a laugh with Nikki, as Brie just stands there, looking all poopy-faced. Yep,
totally worth sitting through all those videos for that. THE END. Uppers: Umm, both matches didn’t make me want to murder kittens, so we’ll take
that as a positive. Also, for what it’s worth, the hype videos did their
job effectively. They made all three matches look exciting, and if I weren’t
such a cheap-ass, I’d buy the PPV. Instead I’ll just steal it! Just kidding. Or am I? Downers: So there was, what, 15 minutes total of wrestling tonight? Oh, and the main event was THE BATTLE OF THE BELLA TWINS. That’s
bad. VERY BAD. I realize the hype
machine was on overdrive, being so close to Wrestlemania, but could we have had one more match? Please? Overall: Sorry, I have to give this show two thumbs down. If I wanted
to see a show of all recaps, I’d go watch the year-end show again. I came
for a wrestling show, and I did not get it. SO GO EAT A DICK. Well, here’s hoping things clear
up and I get wrestling again starting next week. Go enjoy Wrestlemania. I will, somehow. Maybe.
John TritonDanny Fisher, they got my wife. Original, we swear.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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