ECW:
The Next Generation
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February 03, 2009
February 10, 2009
February 17, 2009
February 24, 2009
Hm.
I’ve been noticing a rather shitty trend in
ECW lately.
Besides the shows themselves, I mean.
Namely, Teddy Long losing ECW stars at an
alarming rate.
I realize that ECW is supposed to be Tuesday
Night Heat and all, but I think there’s only
like 12 wrestlers on the roster now…
John Morrison The
Miz
Finlay (Hornswoggle too, but he only counts for
a half)
Paul Burchill
Ricky Ortiz
Jack Swagger
Evan Bourne The
Boogeyman DJ
Gabriel
Mark Henry
Tommy Dreamer
…crap. 11!
Not even 12!
It’s only a trade if you FUCKING get something
back, Teddy.
“Sure Vickie, have Matt, free of charge!
I barely remember you basically making me your
slave last year!
HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA!”
Jesus Christ.
Well, now that I’m appropriately depressed,
let’s get to the show!
Still standing here in St. Louis! And the
main event?
Finlay/Swagger. Oh I do
NOT have a good feeling about this, considering
how WWE books non-title matches for low-tier
titles…
Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill Vs. Tommy
Dreamer
Hey, Burchill’s stealing his music from Mickey
Rourke now!
More importantly, Katie Lea’s part of the
entrance involved some sort of reverse Melina
entrance.
I can dig that, but it wasn’t the full splits.
I blame the tight and shiny pants, and then
subsequently let it slide.
Oh yeah, wrestling.
Burchill does his “I’m going to punch you a lot”
game plan as usual, beating on Tommy quite well
for the first few moments. And he even does a bodyslam!
Holy shit man, don’t do WRESTLING MOVES on a
wrestling show now!
After a quickie rest hold, Tommy turns things
around, hitting a sit-down spinebuster and tree
of woe dropkick.
Matt Striker then loses all credibility
saying Dreamer is in excellent shape.
Well, a beach ball is a shape, technically.
Burchill drop-toe holds Dreamer into the
turnbuckle, which only gets a two count.
However, that was immediately pointless as
Burchill hits a neckbreaker (like a backwards
RKO) for the pin.
I believe it was called the Twisted Sister once.
Sorry, not good enough. New name:
Sister Fister.
However, now I WANNA ROCK!
Winner:
Paul Burchill
What Stood Out: Umm, I’m pretty sure whenever
the Burchills win clean, that certainly stands
out more than anything else.
Forever. TO
THE BACK now, with JAMIE NOBLE here to SAVE THE
SHOW.
OK, so that makes the roster 12 strong now. Yay.
Teddy, the master broker, trades Matt Hardy,
possible main-eventer, with Jamie Noble,
professional afterthought.
Best part? Jamie was from RAW.
Hold on, my brain’s kind of stroking off for a
second from the sheer what the fuckery.
Interrupted from the first commercial break, Miz
and Morrison come strolling out, with Dreamer
still in the ring.
They proceed to tear him a new asshole, with
plenty of fat jokes.
It’s the American way.
It’s an interesting point though, as this “push”
he’s been getting is akin to how “Push” is a
good movie – not possible.
Tommy finally loses it and gets a few shots
in before the champs lay him out with a Reality
Check. See, Tommy’s getting more TV
time!
He gets to count the lights TWICE tonight!
And with about 4 minutes eaten up, more
commercials please!
Jamie Noble Vs. The Boogeyman
Well, at least Jamie’s getting TV time again.
Hope it’s not a squash match this time, at
least.
Jamie gets a few shots in here and there, but a
bodyslam stops that shit cold.
After some more of that AWESOME Boogeyman
offense (though he does mix it up a bit for
once, hitting shoulder blocks instead of
clotheslines), Noble takes over again as he hits
some off the top rope maneuver on a kneeling
boogey when he gets back in the ring.
This gets him a one count.
After a chinlock, Boogey powers out, and goes to
town on him with some more basic crap.
Punches, headbutts, stinger splash, Snitsky
Slam, over.
Winner:
Boogeyman
What Stood Out: I got a compromise this time.
Instead of a squash match, it was an EXTENDED
squash match.
I kid.
Actually, Noble got some good offense in, for
what it was worth.
Let’s recap…WRESTLEMANIA 2!
I told you the video package guys work magic
behind the scenes. They made this pile of shit
look halfway entertaining!
Just like the past two weeks, it’s the mid-show
recap-fest.
Right now, it’s Raw. This recap is immediately
hilarious as when Shane swung the kendo stick,
it was accompanied with a “WOOSH” sound.
I’m sorry, that’s just fucking awesome. Dean Malenko looks to be in
pretty damn good shape.
Also, even zombies have cell phones now, sheesh!
Quick aside though: How laughably awful is the Raw
Elimination Chamber?
Was Charlie Haas too busy to participate?
Backstage promo time with Jack Swagger. He
blatantly rips off Booker T at the start,
mentioning he’s a “two time two time”
All-American.
Just another example of everyone sticking it to
the blacks.
Also, he was saying something about how Finlay
isn’t getting close to the ECW Championship.
I couldn’t recall, however. I was too busy noticing the
camera lens blur from all the spit hitting it
from Jack’s mouth.
ECW Champion The All-American American Jack
Swagger Vs.
Finlay w/ Hornswoggle, Non-Title Match
Let’s make this one interesting. Here on
out all mentions of the champ will be spelled
out in full. What does that mean?
Things are about to get very annoying. Hey, I
have to get my entertainment somewhere.
It’s amateur wrestling hour from the opening
bell, with ECW Champion The All-American
American Jack Swagger getting the early
advantage. That’s because ECW Champion The
All-American American Jack Swagger is an
ALL-AMERICAN, of course. Finlay
does some mat action of his own, and it’s pretty
back and forth.
Understandably so, as ECW matches that are
longer than 10 minutes start out on one speed –
DMV.
Finlay manages to bust out an Indian Deathlock
of all things, but ECW Champion The All-American
American Jack Swagger gets to the ropes, and now
it’s time to resort to punching the shit out of
each other.
Don’t know if that was a miscommunication, but
the two just managed to headbutt each other.
Ouch. Finlay recovers first with a
backslide, which scores a two, sends ECW
Champion The All-American American Jack Swagger
outside of the ring, and gives us the obligatory
mid-match commercial break.
Hey, it was getting good!
Kind of!
Back from break, we see ECW Champion The
All-American American Jack Swagger locked in a
sort of camel clutch.
Finlay’s tights are still on, so I don’t
think we’re getting some humbling tonight.
ECW Champion The All-American American Jack
Swagger eventually escapes the hold and Irish
whips Finlay HARD into the turnbuckles.
Finlay starts selling the ribs, and ECW Champion
The All-American American Jack Swagger
accordingly goes for many body shots and body
scissors.
Finlay gets a hit in here and there, but for the
next couple minutes it’s all ECW Champion The
All-American American Jack Swagger. So, of
course, out pops Hornswoggle.
Horny gets kicked in the face for his trouble,
but that lets Finlay hit a surprise spinebuster.
All this earns Finlay is a toss into the
steel post, and ECW Champion The All-American
American Jack Swagger tosses the stick WAY up
the ramp.
Getting up into the ring though, Hornswoggle
pops out AGAIN, but this time pops ECW Champion
The All-American American Jack Swagger in the
ankle with a larger stick. This gives Finlay the time to
recover, hit a clothesline, hit a Celtic Cross,
pick up the victory, end the singles win streak
of ECW Champion The All-American American Jack
Swagger, and crush dreams everywhere. Man, Finlay sure is a
multi-tasker.
Winner:
Finlay
What Stood Out: I’m of the type that the ending
of perfect records is a momentous event. So why end it on such a
throwaway show?
All in all though, pretty good match, just not a
fan of the result.
After the bell, that’s not a jig they’re doing.
That’s Finlay and Hornswoggle tap-dancing on any
up-and-comer’s future in the WWE.
FCW roster, just thought you’d like to know what
you have to look forward to.
THE END.
Uppers: Main
Event.
That built up slowly and nicely, and Finlay did
some nice psychology with the selling of the
ribs.
It might have worn off after the bell though, as
I think you’d need some good breathing skills to
do a shitty jig in the ring.
Honorable mentions to Jamie Noble appearing, and
Paul Burchill winning. Both
extremely rare occurrences in this day and age.
Downers: Once
again, outside of the Main Event you get some
slim pickings. Jamie Noble getting added to
the roster is a nice plus, but apparently the
only thing different is that he’s going to be
jobbing on Tuesday nights now.
I realize his options are limited in WWE, but
Noble is still a pretty damn good worker.
I mean, come on, he can pull off being Asian!
Dishonorable mention to Tommy Dreamer, who again
excels at being worthless.
Overall: Better
than last week, but that’s like saying explosive
diarrhea is better than colon cancer.
ECW still needs to work on the whole “creating a
good show” thing.
The Road to Wrestlemania is still looking pretty
shitty at the moment. Oh well,
plenty of weeks to turn it around…I hope. And
that’s it for this week. E-mail’s
encouraged, of course.
You know, the usual “YOU SUCK ASS” ones I get
and all.
Man, do I love my readers!
Welcome back. Slow week over in the land of
the ‘E, barring one nice little story.
I hope all women learned a lesson last
Sunday.
What could that be? Why, it’s
quite simple: DO
NOT FUCK WITH CHRIS JERICHO. Can’t
blame the guy though.
It’s obvious she was a Cena fan.
She kind of deserved a haymaker to the face just
from wearing that shirt.
Hey ladies, I’m single. Let’s get to it!
Still standing here in Fresno! And, before the credits, they
try to make Hornswoggle’s interference seem
epic. Yep, just like that fight in
Braveheart.
After the video package, out comes Jack Swagger
looking less than chipper.
Aww, poor baby lost a match. Though, if
I lost my first match due to midget
interference, I’d be a little irked as well.
He complains about his match with Finlay at No
Way Out and challenges Hornswoggle to come out
for a match.
Oh, that’ll be fun. OHHH THERE IS A GOD.
CHRISTIAN FUCKING CAGE comes out to cut him off. While I won’t complain, is ECW
the place for him to go?
Sometimes, I do love my job.
EAT IT, CAMERON AND SHANE!
What can I say; I’m a mark for the guy.
OK, deep breath.
Christian rips on Jack’s lisp, and states his
desire for the ECW Championship.
Way to set your sights high there, buddy.
Jack gloats how he’ll still be champ, and
Christian responds with a microphone to the
face.
Short and to the point. Sadly,
after the initial pop this one kind of fell
flat. I’m focusing on the positives,
though.
I get Christian, and all you fuckers who skip
ECW don’t.
HA!
Guess that clears up the “is he or isn’t he
coming to WWE” debate, though…
Tommy Dreamer Vs. The Miz w/ John Morrison
Prior to Tommy getting the jobber entrance, Jack
Swagger and Teddy Long meet up backstage to
discuss things.
Main event for tonight?
Jack Swagger Vs. Christian.
Fan-fucking-tastic. Also we
get a replay of Miz and Morrison kicking his ass
last week. Who cares about that though?
Guy gets beat up like I take a shit.
ALL THE TIME.
Really, at this point I couldn’t care any less
about this match, so if I miss a few things,
deal with it.
You get what you pay for.
Tommy gets off to a good start, but Miz soon
enough turns it around and goes on the generic
ECW lack of actual holds offense.
Yes, it’s actually called that.
Tommy eventually comes back with a lariat,
bulldog, and sitout spinebuster.
After a hangman’s neckbreaker, Miz avoids the
loss when Morrison shows the ref that his foot
was on the rope, then hilariously applauds the
ref doing a good job. After another Morrison
distraction, Tommy falls prey to a…uh, reverse
Stunner. Sure, that works.
Well, it wasn’t any better than the Reality
Check or Mizard of Oz…
Winner:
The Miz
What Stood Out: Well, that’s easy.
Grisham pointed it out – Dreamer’s now 0-3 since
making his decree.
Horrible.
I guess Miz’s new finisher was OK, too. TO
THE BACK now, with Jamie Noble interrupting
Teddy Long and Generic Blonde Tiffany,
complaining about his match with Boogeyman last
week.
Teddy is quick to brush his fuckery off.
Time for more debuts! This time it’s Natalya, and he
brought his boyfriend along for the ride too,
only calling himself “Tyson.”
And the pink and black is in full effect.
Tyson’s hair, however, is not. Did I wake up in some parallel
universe where Teddy Long is a halfway decent
GM?
MORE IN THE BACK with Hornswoggle annoying the
hell out of Christian.
Welcome to ECW, indeed. Regretting it yet?
Finlay comes in to boast how he’s going to be
ECW champ after No Way Out, looking pretty suave
too.
Quick, but I guess it had a point.
Though I feel sorry for Swagger dropping two
matches in a row.
Way to build a credible champ.
And if you disagree, how retarded can WWE
be to have Christian re-debut with a loss?
If that happens, I hope he is getting paid
a LOT of money, because that’s just disgraceful.
Time for the mid ECW filler! This week, we start with a
package on Evan Bourne, who’s returning shortly. Just keeps getting better and
better.
Tyson Kidd w/ Natalya Vs. Bao Nguyen (Jobber) So,
uhh, is Natalya a face now? I guess
Jamie’s supposed to be a heel and based on the
backstage confrontation, Tyson’s supposed to be
a good guy.
Eh, who knows?
Tyson takes a page out of Evan Bourne’s
playbook, opening up with a kick-happy offense
from the opening bell. Stiff as hell shots too.
Good thing Bao’s Asian.
They’re bred to take shots like that. Weak
looking finisher though – a springboard elbow
drop? It’s still an elbow drop, and
if it’s not Randy Savage doing it, I just don’t
care. Oh well.
Winner:
Tyson Kidd
What Stood Out: It was a good squash I suppose.
Though I don’t recall seeing any usage of hands
or wrestling holds…I guess everybody in FCW
skips that class.
Well, that class and the “develop a unique
and interesting persona” seminar. Raw
Rebound focuses on Orton’s assorted shenanigans
last night.
Outside of the Ric Flair opening, I honestly
thought the show wasn’t great.
The main event was only like 5 minutes, come on!
Also, way to sell the Ric Flair appearance by
having him out for a few minutes then never
mentioning him again.
Totally worth it.
ECW Champion The All-American American Jack
Swagger Vs. Christian, Non-Title Match
Christian’s theme is not so great. It’s “Just
Close Your Eyes” again, but instead of the woman
singing, it’s some generic rock band.
Kind of screaming bland to me. So,
things start out with a general feeling out, and
Christian is getting pops whenever he pops
Swagger.
The crowd gets amped when he delivers a
pride-obliterating bitch slap, as do I.
After a few minutes of back and forth…ugh.
Out comes Finlay and Hornswoggle to shit all
over my good mood.
And here’s the obligatory commercial break 2
minutes into the match!
Back from break, Team Irish has joined the
commentary and Christian is frothing at the
mouth for some reason.
Hornswoggle gave him rabies during the
commercials.
Actually, he just got gorrila press slammed to
the outside, and was falling victim to some
All-American American Amateur Wrestling.
While Swagger goes to town on Christian,
Finlay rightfully puts over the competition at
No Way Out. I imagine people just tuning it
might be a little confused at this point.
Swagger sets Christian on the top
turnbuckle, and gets answered with a big tornado
DDT to turn the tide. And he’s getting the crowd
going.
Christian makes a bad bad move then, going for a
diving headbutt, which misses.
I’m not so sure Canadians should be doing that
move from now on.
Oklahoma roll gets two, and a belly-to-belly
gets another two.
After some playtime on the ropes, things spill
to the outside, with Christian getting tossed
into the announce team.
After getting back in the ring, Swagger tries to
undo a turnbuckle pad, which distracts the
referee.
He undoes another pad instead, and tries to
electric chair drop Christian into the exposed
steel. But what happens when a ref is
distracted?
You got it, time for Finlay to take action!
He didn’t take kindly to having a small Canadian
tossed into him, and pops Swagger behind the
knee with the stick.
This gives Christian the opportunity to slip
out, hit the Unprettier, and pick up a win.
Told you he was winning.
Winner:
Christian
What Stood Out: Swagger can put on some decent
matches, no doubt about it.
Barring the usual Irish chicanery, the match had
some damn good wrestling.
I might be a little biased, as I did like both
competitors.
Personally, I wouldn’t have made this match
right out of the gate, as the thing about
matches…someone loses.
So it was either completely assrape
Christian’s debut with a loss, or make Swagger
look like a chump…who happens to be champion.
For further examples, see “Mysterio, Rey” and
“Punk, CM.”
Apparently they really crammed this show to the
brim, because as soon as Christian gets his arm
raised, we’re done.
Seriously, we got about 5 seconds of post bell
time.
THE END.
Uppers: Hmmm,
let’s see.
For once, there’s a lot to choose from!
First, while I don’t think having him debut on
ECW is the best idea, it’s still awesome to see
Christian back in the WWE.
I guess it’s to give him something to do before
they completely let him run wild, probably on
Jeff Hardy. Getting TJ Wilson and Nattie
Neidhart is just icing on the cake, especially
when it gives Jamie Noble a storyline by proxy.
Add on that the wrestling as a whole was on
point tonight, and like I said, lots to enjoy
here.
Downers: Hmmm,
let’s see.
For once, there’s damn near nothing to choose
from!
Once again, the wrestling matches themselves
were on the short side, barring the main event.
The upside though was that they focused on
building new storylines, instead of throwing
recaps and commercials galore out there. Honestly, what can I say here?
I am hard-pressed to find stupid shit.
Oh, I would’ve enjoyed Hornswoggle not existing
tonight, but you knew that already.
Overall: Yeah…all
is forgiven, ECW.
Tonight most definitely made up for the past
couple weeks.
It probably explains the past couple weeks too,
considering it felt like those shows were on
autopilot.
For once I can say I’m genuinely excited to see
what happens next week.
How often do I say that?
Let me check…yep, I think this is the first
time.
Alright, I need to go take a shower. Tonight’s
show made me make a little mess downstairs, if
you get my drift (JIZZED IN MY PANTS FROM SHEER
AWESOME).
See you next week.
Yeah, I didn’t watch Raw last night actually.
The reason why is so horrible that I will not
explain it here. Luckily
Cameron Burge turned in a fantastic read as
always. So, in a way to say sorry,
here’s this hilarious picture: Aww
isn’t he cute? And now you know the only
situation that I find Hornswoggle entertaining.
OK, new recurring segment – The Weekly
Pic/Gif of Hornswoggle that entertains me. I’ll probably broaden it soon
enough, but for now, yeah, Hornswoggle. One
last thing, and that’s my take on Christian in
ECW.
Now that I’ve had a week to marinate, I have my
ups and downs about it.
On the good side, Christian’s finally back in
the WWE and on ECW, so I get to recap him.
I am pleased.
Also, for now, it’s a good fit.
Better to be the #1 guy on ECW then returning
and being promptly lost in the shuffle on Raw or
Smackdown.
Ask Chris Jericho how he enjoyed that return to
Raw.
“Me Want Title Match” indeed.
However, when you really think about it, why is
he on ECW? Recall where he came from, and
you have your answer.
The answer? WWE is
petty, as usual.
Why interject him into Jeff Hardy’s storyline
and be shot to the top, when he can wrestle on
ECW, right? Also, I know he’s only on ECW
until the draft, where any and all useful talent
in the brand is taken away.
I CANNOT WAIT.
Yeah, I really don’t want to think about it, as
it just depresses me.
NOW, we can get to it!
Still standing here in…I don’t care!
Before the show starts, we get a recap of last
week’s Swagger-Christian related shenanigans.
Good stuff, but sadly missing the shot of
Swagger’s belt falling off his waist as he
walked to the ring.
That’s OK, because I missed it too.
But when I saw it…awesome.
Only other note is the absurdity of
Christian coming back…and saying his goal is the
ECW Championship. Setting his sights high, that
chap is.
It’s like be going back to my old job to get the
position of mailroom supervisor.
Boogeyman Vs. Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea
Burchill So,
apparently this match was made as a result of
Paul’s retarded impersonation of Christian Bale
last week on the web.
I can think of no greater punishment than
demanding a passable match out of this asswipe. So,
a Katie Lea distraction gets Paul an early
advantage, but that of course, does nothing.
Boogey busts out his generic offense of scoop
slams and stinger splashes, which is quite…blah.
Boogey decides to forgo etiquette and goes for
the worms before the match is over, and all this
gets him is a roll-up for the loss. How
eventful.
Winner:
Paul Burchill
What Stood Out: Any match where Boogey loses is
good shit in my book.
Post-bell, Boogey is not amused and looks to get
down with Katie.
I’d be all for it, just without the worm. However,
everyone’s got their fetishes.
Give google a try sometime, see what you
get.
Katie puts her We
get a slideshow of the title match from No Way
Out here, which was…uh, something.
As long as Hornswoggle being useless goes
somewhere, I enjoyed it.
Otherwise, this match was BULLSHIT.
John Morrison w/ The Miz Vs. Tommy Dreamer Oh
boy, can’t wait to see how this one turns out!
Sure to be a competitive contest, with Tommy
coming out on top of course!
If I have to explain this to you, you fail. At life.
Tommy quickly sends Morrison outside of the ring
with a clothesline, but when Tommy is on the
apron to follow him out, Miz comes up with some
general douchebaggery to distract Dreamer.
This allows Morrison to fling Dreamer to the
floor, in an impressive spot.
Well, impressive for ECW.
Well, impressive for WWE ECW.
Morrison gets an advantage for a couple minutes,
but Dreamer turns things around.
Miz tries to distract again and gets ejected,
leading to Dreamer turning it around with
suplexes and such.
However, this is Dreamer we’re talking about
people, so he undoubtedly fucks it up.
In this case, he gets kicked in the face coming
off the top rope.
Moonlight Drive right after to take another
pinfall.
Winner:
Tommy Dreamer
What Stood Out: Tommy is losing so much that
he’s bumming out Grisham and Striker at this
point. When you’re so bad that you’re
depressing the ANNOUNCERS, it’s time to hang it
up.
Backstage, Hornswoggle is…training. Because
he’s TOTALLY competing in the main event
tonight, as opposed to being a retarded
nuisance.
Good strategy, Finlay.
Christian interrupts and Hornswoggle
rightfully gets his ass out of there.
Damn right you don’t steal Christian’s
spotlight!
Finlay and Christian then talk about teaming up
later.
Pointless filler, yum. New
video with Evan Bourne being compared to a jet
taking off.
Why did you need to know that? Because I think he kicks ass,
that’s why.
My column, my rules.
However, I would’ve made one addition – at the
point where Bourne hits the PPSSP in the video,
how about a sound of a plane crashing?
I mean, who could POSSIBLY find that offensive?
Everybody? OK then.
Tyson Kidd w/ Natalya Vs. Caden Matthews
Apparently, Tyson’s gimmick is Jack Swagger v.2,
as he can’t stop smiling.
However, his grin is decidedly less Busey-esque.
Tyson hits stiff kicks a plenty to start out,
and that’s about it.
The jobber gets a back elbow in, and that’s
also, about it.
Slingshot leg drop to the outside set’s him up
for the weak-ass springboard elbow drop, and
Tyson’s 2-0.
Winner:
Tyson Kidd
What Stood Out: I’m confused.
At this point, are the Canadian Couple supposed
to be good guys or bad guys?
They keep pointing out his upcoming feud with
Jamie Noble, who’s supposed to be a bad guy,
right?
Ugh. Oh, his music’s alright too.
If he ever has a match with Evan Bourne, it’ll
be a battle of the generic guitar riffs.
Make it happen.
It’s filler time! This time it’s WrestleMania 14.
Highlights include Pete Rose being tombstoned,
someone getting thrown in a dumpster (I can only
hope it was Billy Gunn), and Shawn’s
ridiculously gay ponytail.
Come on man, a BRAIDED ponytail?
Really?
Also I really hope Mike Tyson pulled that punch
on him, because that shit looked pretty painful.
Knowing Tyson’s escapades, I doubt it. It would
explain Shawn’s currently lazy eye, however.
Backstage, it’s a meeting of the greats – Ricky
Ortiz and Tommy Dreamer.
Ricky DEMANDS Tommy to RALLY UP. There it
is.
Tommy Dreamer win streak, coming right up! My
opinion on the Funks being inducted to the Hall
of Fame?
Not much.
I never caught their stuff really, just Terry in
general getting the shit knocked out of him in
the WWF/WWE. Oh and Chainsaw Charlie.
I PRAY that gets mentioned in the induction.
Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlas) and Jack Swagger Vs.
Christian and Finlay (w/ Hornswoggle)
Thankfully, Swagger’s belt stays on this time
during his ape dance down the ramp.
Coming back from the break, we get the first (as
far as I know) usage of the ECW REWIND.
Christian really is changing things here!
Can I make more random notes? You bet I can!
The font on Christian’s tights is akin to
Budweiser.
Christian doesn’t come out last, which is
bullshit. Finally,
Striker makes me a fan for life by saying how
he’s getting sick of Hornswoggle.
You and me both, buddy.
Christian and Henry start out, and the size
difference is pretty damn noticeable.
Christian never really was a heavyweight, and it
shows as his ass is tossed all over the ring.
After some respective tags, Finlay and Christian
take turns tuning up on Swagger.
Nothing special really, just hits galore.
However, when Christian wants to tag out to
Finlay, UH OH HORNSWOGGLE IS NURSING A BOO BOO.
So, after some hesitation, Finlay tags back in
and stomps away on Swagger.
Please God, let this plot end with Finlay
beating the everloving shit out of Hornswoggle.
Back from break, Swagger has turned it around
and goes to work on Finlay in the corner,
followed by sending him to the outside, where
Finlay is promptly run the fuck over by Henry.
Henry then tags in and punches a few times, then
tags back out.
Look at him earn that paycheck.
Finlay gets a glimmer of hope by hitting a
Stunner on Swagger, but because he isn’t Stone
Cold Steve Austin, Jack no-sells that shit and
takes his head off with a clothesline.
Not literally, though that would be cool.
Henry tags back in and hits a few more punches,
then tags back out.
LOOK AT HIM EARN THAT PAYCHECK.
Swagger does his thing some more, and tags in
Henry.
Henry punches a few times and…tries to hit an
elbow drop and misses.
Come on man, follow the pattern! Christian and Swagger are
tagged in, and Christian runs wild.
He even goes for the diving headbutt again
(difference is he doesn’t have his arms
outstretched like a certain someone),
which connects.
This of course leads to various bullshit,
notably with Henry lifting Christian up for a
reverse World’s Strongest Slam…thing.
Hornswoggle does his thing, by biting Henry’s
leg.
Just looking for some dark meat, I suppose.
This allows Finlay to hit a stick shot to send
Henry packing, leaving Swagger all alone with
Christian.
Christian counters out of the Doctor Bomb for an
Unprettier (which has now been named the
slightly less gay Killswitch), and the victory.
Winner:
Christian and Finlay
What Stood Out: Actually, the commentary.
Most notably by one Matt Striker. He was
trying out his heel announcer suit on this one,
and it was pretty good stuff. Any
announcer who is openly showing his hatred for
the midget is A OK in my book. Oh, the
match was good too, I guess.
Well, at least this time, the show wasn’t over 2
seconds after the bell.
Finlay and Christian share a hearty handshake,
while Hornswoggle looks on, being useless as
always.
THE END.
Uppers: Less than
last week, that’s for sure. I’ll have to go with
the main event, which was decent stuff.
Having an actual heel announcer on WWE TV will
be a refreshing change of pace, if they stick to
it.
Come on, you know you want 90’s Jerry Lawler
back.
Also, the promise of Finlay eventually getting
fed up with Hornswoggle and (figuratively,
though literally I hope) murdering him has me
quite excited.
Honorable mention to the opening match, based
solely on Boogeyman taking a loss for once.
Katie Lea being on my screen helps, however.
Even if she’s starting to become the next Ariel
at this point.
Downers: If it
wasn’t the beginning or the end, I just didn’t
see the point of this show.
Morrison/Dreamer was pretty blah (although it’s
just getting fucking depressing with Tommy at
this point), and I guess Tyson Kidd has to get
some credibility via the “squash jobbers” route,
even if that’s how all the new ECW talent does
it.
Yay variety!
Overall: OK, I see
what the point of the show was.
Build for the future.
But it’s not the future, now is it, WWE? They had a chance to capitalize
on the buzz of Christian showing up, but I
imagine this show just made people go “oh yeah,
still the same ECW” and flip to Scrubs or
something.
So, maybe they get to 2.0 if they’re lucky.
REALLY lucky. But that’s not going to happen
next week.
For shame, WWE. OK,
time to go eat. And possibly wake up, as
tonight bored me a little bit.
Hey, what can I say, some weeks I got it, some I
don’t.
Next week. Be there.
Or don’t, and just read what I type about it.
Welcome back, ingrates. I am rather disappointed I
didn’t get any birthday gifts from my faithful
readers. Nevermind that no one knows
when my birthday is (it was yesterday if you
actually care). Or that my faithful readers
don’t exist.
I hate it when you people get all realistic on
me. How
about that ending to Raw last night? I thought
it was OK, but one of the forumers gave me a
good idea that made it infinitely more
hilarious.
Enjoy:
http://james.nerdiphythesoul.com/bennyhillifier/speedup.php?id=QOy3iPZLL7A
Thank me later. Now
before we get into the report, of course we
can’t get to it without The Weekly Pic/Gif of
Hornswoggle that entertains me! This one is courtesy of JBL: OK,
enough of the picture show, let’s get to it!
Still standing here in…missed it again!
Wherever Raw was last night, figure it out.
DJ Gabriel w/ Alicia Fox Vs. Mark Henry w/ Tony
Atlas
Alicia is looking quite hot tonight…minus the
gigantic forehead.
Headbands are not her friend. DJ
(not the Rock) gets tossed all over the ring
from the opening bell, but Gabriel gets an
opening soon thereafter from Sexual Chocolate
taking over. He tries to give Alicia the
eye, letting DJ get in some of the weakest
dropkicks and punches you’ve ever seen.
That lasted all of 5 seconds before Henry takes
over with more of that EXCITING offense that
gets the crowd going
Winner:
Mark Henry
What Stood Out: So, the guy hasn’t been seen
for weeks, only to come back here and get
squashed into oblivion. Hello,
unemployment line!
Also, the lack of SHORYUKEN was disappointing.
Apparently the plane taking off video package
was recalled from last week for Evan Bourne.
Oh well. Instead he gets like tribal
drums this time.
Just fucking return already!
I need what I can get.
Tyson Kidd w/ Natalya Vs. Matt Boyce
Sad.
I read on spoilers this jobbers name was
going to be Joe B. Roni!
Tyson tries some MANLY amateur wrestling to
start off…while wearing pink tights.
I know it’s a Hart tradition but come on.
With the Charlie brown hairdo and those tights,
kind of hard to take the guy seriously.
Boyce gets a surprise roll-up from the whole
exchange, which leads to Tyson going back to the
old well of “kick your opponent as hard as you
can.” He tries a sleeper with her
legs even!
And that wasn’t a typo.
When he was screaming at the ref to ask if he
submits, I thought Natalya was wrestling for a
second there.
Well anyway, he hits a jumping roundhouse to the
face with both feet, looking like a spinning
dropkick.
Springboard elbow drop right after for the pin.
OOOOOOH YEAH~!
Winner:
Tyson Kidd
What Stood Out: TJ is one fucking lucky man to
have been ragtagging Nattie’s ass for years,
while having the most retarded attributes I’ve
ever seen on a straight man.
I think I hate him. That is
all. Raw
recap is up now, with the whole Orton-McMahon
thing being reviewed.
Sigh.
I imagine Kayfabe is like a cat – it has 9
lives.
Yeah, pretty sure all 9 of them were offed in
that one HHH interview from SmackDown last
Friday.
Oh, and you can see the whole thing up above,
just way more awesome.
Tommy Dreamer Vs. Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea
Burchill
Tommy (deservedly) scores himself the jobber
entrance this week, but starts things off well
with Paul from the opening bell.
You could say he has…RALLIED UP?
Fists, clotheslines, and neckbreakers give Tommy
the early edge but Paul quickly comes back with
his bland as hell offense, lacking any holds
whatsoever. Listen, I know the guy can do
some serious shit, but could he possibly do it
while he’s on my TV screen?
Tommy takes over with some fists of his own, but
Paul goes back on offense soon after.
After a little more back and forth, Tommy sets
Paul up for the tree of woe dropkick, but Katie
pulls her brother out of the way.
This prompts Boogeyman to pull her ass under the
ring, and his music and lights start obnoxiously
start up.
Katie escapes, but the shittiness that is
Boogeyman distracts Paul long enough for Dreamer
to sneak in a DDT for the win.
HOLY SHIT~!
Winner:
Tommy Dreamer
What Stood Out: WHAT DID I SAY LAST WEEK?!
“There it is. Tommy Dreamer win streak,
coming right up!” Fucking right.
Christian Vs. ECW Champion The All-American
American Jack Swagger
Looks like they’re not fucking around with this
one, giving it 20+ minutes of TV time.
In the words of one Catherine Perez, let’s get
the JACK SWAGGER AND CHRISTIAN SHOW started!
Oh, by the way, Christian gets a hearty amount
of cheers from the crowd.
Recall, this IS ECW. Of
course, it’s amateur hour at the start, with
Swagger getting the best of it.
Though, that’s logical. Jack’s an
ALL-AMERICAN AMERICAN.
Christian isn’t even American.
Sheesh.
Christian eventually goes “fuck this” and
answers with some right hands and a headlock,
which is turned into more amateur bullshit, with
some generic power moves thrown in for good
measure.
In a damn fine exchange, however, Christian
escapes the corner charge by slipping through
the ropes, and flipping upside down to pop
Swagger in the face with both feet.
Swagger gets sent to the outside right after,
and Christian answers with a springboard
cross-body which gets a great reaction from the
crowd. And from me.
So far, so good.
When did Christian become a white Rey-Rey,
though?
Back from break, Jack is in control, and
actually HITS the Vader bomb for once, but it
only gets two.
Hey, it had to work sometime.
Just ask Ric Flair, with his top rope
shenanigans. Things spill outside the ring,
and Christian tries to smash Jack against the
steel steps, but ends up busting his arm against
them instead.
Back in at 8, Jack goes back on offense with arm
holds aplenty.
This goes on for a couple minutes before
Christian gets a quickie headlock.
This is transferred into a hammerlock, which
leads to a NICE combo by Swagger.
He basically, without dropping Christian from
the powerslam position, gives a shoulderbreaker,
smashes the Canuck into the turnbuckle, gives
ANOTHER shoudlerbreaker, and finally a
powerslam. See?
Having small wrestlers has its advantages, no?
Back from another commercial break, we see
Christian trying to go for a sleeper, but
Swagger powers out into a front facelock.
After a few more hits, Christian hits a
missile dropkick for the double count spot.
Christian’s up first (sporting possibly the
whiniest face I’ve ever seen) and uses some
rope-assisted chokes to get the advantage.
Diving headbutt bombs, Swagger gets a northern
lights suplex for two, and now it’s a counter
fest.
Each guy tries their finishers, with Christian
hitting a reverse DDT for two.
Swagger takes over again, and goes for the Vader
Bomb AGAIN, which meets knees to the gut.
Like you thought he was going 2-for-2 with that
tonight.
Springboard sunset flip gets another two, and
Christian goes for the diving headbutt AGAIN.
Sheesh, trying to bring this move back as hard
as they can, hmm?
This time it hits, getting two. Crowd is really getting into
this one, actually.
Christian tries to go for the Killswitch, but
just gets tossed into the steel post for his
trouble.
Swagger goes for the Doctor Bomb, which is
flipped out into another Killswitch attempt.
However, the shoulder starts acting up, and
he winds up eating a Doctor Bomb for the hot
finish. GREAT match, believe it or not.
Winner:
Jack Swagger
What Stood Out: Considering this was the same
crowd that was busy snoozing through Raw, I can
sort of see why. They were pretty damn HOT for
this match, especially the end.
I loved it myself.
Seal of approval on this one.
Jack tells off some fans to let them know who
the man is.
Tonight, it’s definitely the both him and
Christian. Seriously.
THE END.
Uppers: Main
event.
Luckily, it was pretty much half the show.
When they give matches lots of time, quality
definitely shines through.
Swagger/Christian was the absolute shit, by far
the best match on ECW this year.
Not saying too much, but still.
Shame no one saw it.
I imagine Christian knew how this match went
would probably determine his future booking in
the ‘E, because he worked his ass off on this
one. Jack continues to get better
and better, and I can’t complain.
Though his entrance is beyond ridiculous at
this point.
Honorable mention to both Tommy Dreamer actually
WINNING A MATCH, and even better, NO HORNSWOGGLE.
Downers: Everything
else was pretty blah.
Tommy winning is nice, but the match was so
devoid of actual holds that I thought I was just
seeing a couple of hairy bums going at it over a
can of Aqua Net.
I almost completely forgot the opening match
with DJ/Henry.
That should tell you how good I thought that
was. Tyson Kidd’s match was what
you’d expect, but dude needs to get a
competitive match going soon. Jamie
Noble’s on hand, but since Mike Knox fucked him
up last night that might be a little while.
So, minor gripes tonight.
Overall: Total one
match show tonight, but since that one match was
FUCKING AWESOME I will let it slide.
Jack Swagger is certainly shaping up to be a
rising star, and Christian is proving why he has
such a loyal following.
I really can’t even attempt to joke about this.
Watch the damn match, right now. And
that’s it for this week. No witty
shit tonight, just be sure to leave feedback if
you like, and be sure to check out everybody
else on here too, as they supply the funny a
hell of a lot better than I do sometimes! Next week, bitches.
hookerWWE Diva training to
use and hightails it out of there in heels.
Apparently they’re building suspense for the
worm pay-off on these two.
I don’t know about you, but that’s going to be
MY WrestleMania moment.
to the bathroom.
DJ rallies and actually makes Mark Henry move a
little bit (no small feat as that would require
EFFORT), but tries going up top. The cross
body is blocked, turned into a World’s Strongest
Slam, and DJ’s done.
What a push they’re giving this guy!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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