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ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(February 2009 Archives.)

February 03, 2009
February 10, 2009
February 17, 2009
February 24, 2009




Hm.  I’ve been noticing a rather shitty trend in ECW lately.  Besides the shows themselves, I mean.  Namely, Teddy Long losing ECW stars at an alarming rate.  I realize that ECW is supposed to be Tuesday Night Heat and all, but I think there’s only like 12 wrestlers on the roster now…


John Morrison

The Miz

Finlay (Hornswoggle too, but he only counts for a half)

Paul Burchill

Ricky Ortiz

Jack Swagger

Evan Bourne

The Boogeyman

DJ Gabriel

Mark Henry

Tommy Dreamer


…crap.  11!  Not even 12!  It’s only a trade if you FUCKING get something back, Teddy.  “Sure Vickie, have Matt, free of charge!  I barely remember you basically making me your slave last year!  HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA!”  Jesus Christ.  Well, now that I’m appropriately depressed, let’s get to the show!



Still standing here in St. Louis!  And the main event?  Finlay/Swagger.  Oh I do NOT have a good feeling about this, considering how WWE books non-title matches for low-tier titles…


Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill Vs. Tommy Dreamer


Hey, Burchill’s stealing his music from Mickey Rourke now!  More importantly, Katie Lea’s part of the entrance involved some sort of reverse Melina entrance.  I can dig that, but it wasn’t the full splits.  I blame the tight and shiny pants, and then subsequently let it slide.  Oh yeah, wrestling.


Burchill does his “I’m going to punch you a lot” game plan as usual, beating on Tommy quite well for the first few moments.  And he even does a bodyslam!  Holy shit man, don’t do WRESTLING MOVES on a wrestling show now!    After a quickie rest hold, Tommy turns things around, hitting a sit-down spinebuster and tree of woe dropkick.  Matt Striker then loses all credibility saying Dreamer is in excellent shape.  Well, a beach ball is a shape, technically.  Burchill drop-toe holds Dreamer into the turnbuckle, which only gets a two count.  However, that was immediately pointless as Burchill hits a neckbreaker (like a backwards RKO) for the pin.  I believe it was called the Twisted Sister once.  Sorry, not good enough.  New name:  Sister Fister.  However, now I WANNA ROCK!


Winner:  Paul Burchill


What Stood Out:  Umm, I’m pretty sure whenever the Burchills win clean, that certainly stands out more than anything else.  Forever.



TO THE BACK now, with JAMIE NOBLE here to SAVE THE SHOW.  OK, so that makes the roster 12 strong now.  Yay.  Teddy, the master broker, trades Matt Hardy, possible main-eventer, with Jamie Noble, professional afterthought.  Best part?  Jamie was from RAW.  Hold on, my brain’s kind of stroking off for a second from the sheer what the fuckery.



Interrupted from the first commercial break, Miz and Morrison come strolling out, with Dreamer still in the ring.  They proceed to tear him a new asshole, with plenty of fat jokes.  It’s the American way.  It’s an interesting point though, as this “push” he’s been getting is akin to how “Push” is a good movie – not possible.   Tommy finally loses it and gets a few shots in before the champs lay him out with a Reality Check.  See, Tommy’s getting more TV time!  He gets to count the lights TWICE tonight!  And with about 4 minutes eaten up, more commercials please!



Jamie Noble Vs. The Boogeyman


Well, at least Jamie’s getting TV time again.  Hope it’s not a squash match this time, at least.


Jamie gets a few shots in here and there, but a bodyslam stops that shit cold.  After some more of that AWESOME Boogeyman offense (though he does mix it up a bit for once, hitting shoulder blocks instead of clotheslines), Noble takes over again as he hits some off the top rope maneuver on a kneeling boogey when he gets back in the ring.  This gets him a one count.  After a chinlock, Boogey powers out, and goes to town on him with some more basic crap.  Punches, headbutts, stinger splash, Snitsky Slam, over.


Winner:  Boogeyman


What Stood Out:  I got a compromise this time.  Instead of a squash match, it was an EXTENDED squash match.  I kid.  Actually, Noble got some good offense in, for what it was worth.



Let’s recap…WRESTLEMANIA 2!  I told you the video package guys work magic behind the scenes.  They made this pile of shit look halfway entertaining!



Just like the past two weeks, it’s the mid-show recap-fest.  Right now, it’s Raw.  This recap is immediately hilarious as when Shane swung the kendo stick, it was accompanied with a “WOOSH” sound.  I’m sorry, that’s just fucking awesome.  Dean Malenko looks to be in pretty damn good shape.  Also, even zombies have cell phones now, sheesh!


Quick aside though:  How laughably awful is the Raw Elimination Chamber?  Was Charlie Haas too busy to participate?



Backstage promo time with Jack Swagger.  He blatantly rips off Booker T at the start, mentioning he’s a “two time two time” All-American.  Just another example of everyone sticking it to the blacks.  Also, he was saying something about how Finlay isn’t getting close to the ECW Championship.  I couldn’t recall, however.  I was too busy noticing the camera lens blur from all the spit hitting it from Jack’s mouth.



ECW Champion The All-American American Jack Swagger Vs.  Finlay w/ Hornswoggle, Non-Title Match


Let’s make this one interesting.  Here on out all mentions of the champ will be spelled out in full.  What does that mean?  Things are about to get very annoying.  Hey, I have to get my entertainment somewhere.


It’s amateur wrestling hour from the opening bell, with ECW Champion The All-American American Jack Swagger getting the early advantage.  That’s because ECW Champion The All-American American Jack Swagger is an ALL-AMERICAN, of course.  Finlay does some mat action of his own, and it’s pretty back and forth.  Understandably so, as ECW matches that are longer than 10 minutes start out on one speed – DMV.  Finlay manages to bust out an Indian Deathlock of all things, but ECW Champion The All-American American Jack Swagger gets to the ropes, and now it’s time to resort to punching the shit out of each other.  Don’t know if that was a miscommunication, but the two just managed to headbutt each other.  Ouch.  Finlay recovers first with a backslide, which scores a two, sends ECW Champion The All-American American Jack Swagger outside of the ring, and gives us the obligatory mid-match commercial break.  Hey, it was getting good!  Kind of!


Back from break, we see ECW Champion The All-American American Jack Swagger locked in a sort of camel clutch.  Finlay’s tights are still on, so I don’t think we’re getting some humbling tonight.  ECW Champion The All-American American Jack Swagger eventually escapes the hold and Irish whips Finlay HARD into the turnbuckles.  Finlay starts selling the ribs, and ECW Champion The All-American American Jack Swagger accordingly goes for many body shots and body scissors.  Finlay gets a hit in here and there, but for the next couple minutes it’s all ECW Champion The All-American American Jack Swagger.  So, of course, out pops Hornswoggle.  Horny gets kicked in the face for his trouble, but that lets Finlay hit a surprise spinebuster.  All this earns Finlay is a toss into the steel post, and ECW Champion The All-American American Jack Swagger tosses the stick WAY up the ramp.  Getting up into the ring though, Hornswoggle pops out AGAIN, but this time pops ECW Champion The All-American American Jack Swagger in the ankle with a larger stick.  This gives Finlay the time to recover, hit a clothesline, hit a Celtic Cross, pick up the victory, end the singles win streak of ECW Champion The All-American American Jack Swagger, and crush dreams everywhere.  Man, Finlay sure is a multi-tasker.


Winner:  Finlay


What Stood Out:  I’m of the type that the ending of perfect records is a momentous event.  So why end it on such a throwaway show?  All in all though, pretty good match, just not a fan of the result.


After the bell, that’s not a jig they’re doing.  That’s Finlay and Hornswoggle tap-dancing on any up-and-comer’s future in the WWE.  FCW roster, just thought you’d like to know what you have to look forward to.  THE END.


Uppers:  Main Event.  That built up slowly and nicely, and Finlay did some nice psychology with the selling of the ribs.  It might have worn off after the bell though, as I think you’d need some good breathing skills to do a shitty jig in the ring.  Honorable mentions to Jamie Noble appearing, and Paul Burchill winning.  Both extremely rare occurrences in this day and age.


Downers:  Once again, outside of the Main Event you get some slim pickings.  Jamie Noble getting added to the roster is a nice plus, but apparently the only thing different is that he’s going to be jobbing on Tuesday nights now.  I realize his options are limited in WWE, but Noble is still a pretty damn good worker.  I mean, come on, he can pull off being Asian!  Dishonorable mention to Tommy Dreamer, who again excels at being worthless. 


Overall:  Better than last week, but that’s like saying explosive diarrhea is better than colon cancer.  ECW still needs to work on the whole “creating a good show” thing.  The Road to Wrestlemania is still looking pretty shitty at the moment.  Oh well, plenty of weeks to turn it around…I hope.



And that’s it for this week.  E-mail’s encouraged, of course.  You know, the usual “YOU SUCK ASS” ones I get and all.  Man, do I love my readers!





Welcome back.  Slow week over in the land of the ‘E, barring one nice little story.  I hope all women learned a lesson last Sunday.  What could that be?  Why, it’s quite simple:



DO NOT FUCK WITH CHRIS JERICHO.  Can’t blame the guy though.  It’s obvious she was a Cena fan.  She kind of deserved a haymaker to the face just from wearing that shirt.  Hey ladies, I’m single.  Let’s get to it!



Still standing here in Fresno!  And, before the credits, they try to make Hornswoggle’s interference seem epic.  Yep, just like that fight in Braveheart.  After the video package, out comes Jack Swagger looking less than chipper.  Aww, poor baby lost a match.  Though, if I lost my first match due to midget interference, I’d be a little irked as well.  He complains about his match with Finlay at No Way Out and challenges Hornswoggle to come out for a match.  Oh, that’ll be fun. OHHH THERE IS A GOD.  CHRISTIAN FUCKING CAGE comes out to cut him off.  While I won’t complain, is ECW the place for him to go?  Sometimes, I do love my job.  EAT IT, CAMERON AND SHANE!


What can I say; I’m a mark for the guy.  OK, deep breath.  Christian rips on Jack’s lisp, and states his desire for the ECW Championship.  Way to set your sights high there, buddy.  Jack gloats how he’ll still be champ, and Christian responds with a microphone to the face.  Short and to the point.  Sadly, after the initial pop this one kind of fell flat.  I’m focusing on the positives, though.  I get Christian, and all you fuckers who skip ECW don’t.  HA!  Guess that clears up the “is he or isn’t he coming to WWE” debate, though…



Tommy Dreamer Vs. The Miz w/ John Morrison


Prior to Tommy getting the jobber entrance, Jack Swagger and Teddy Long meet up backstage to discuss things.  Main event for tonight?  Jack Swagger Vs. Christian.  Fan-fucking-tastic.  Also we get a replay of Miz and Morrison kicking his ass last week.  Who cares about that though?  Guy gets beat up like I take a shit.  ALL THE TIME.


Really, at this point I couldn’t care any less about this match, so if I miss a few things, deal with it.  You get what you pay for.  Tommy gets off to a good start, but Miz soon enough turns it around and goes on the generic ECW lack of actual holds offense.  Yes, it’s actually called that.  Tommy eventually comes back with a lariat, bulldog, and sitout spinebuster.  After a hangman’s neckbreaker, Miz avoids the loss when Morrison shows the ref that his foot was on the rope, then hilariously applauds the ref doing a good job.  After another Morrison distraction, Tommy falls prey to a…uh, reverse Stunner.  Sure, that works.  Well, it wasn’t any better than the Reality Check or Mizard of Oz…


Winner:  The Miz


What Stood Out:  Well, that’s easy.  Grisham pointed it out – Dreamer’s now 0-3 since making his decree.  Horrible.  I guess Miz’s new finisher was OK, too.



TO THE BACK now, with Jamie Noble interrupting Teddy Long and Generic Blonde Tiffany, complaining about his match with Boogeyman last week.  Teddy is quick to brush his fuckery off.  Time for more debuts!  This time it’s Natalya, and he brought his boyfriend along for the ride too, only calling himself  “Tyson.”  And the pink and black is in full effect.  Tyson’s hair, however, is not.  Did I wake up in some parallel universe where Teddy Long is a halfway decent GM?



MORE IN THE BACK with Hornswoggle annoying the hell out of Christian.  Welcome to ECW, indeed.  Regretting it yet?  Finlay comes in to boast how he’s going to be ECW champ after No Way Out, looking pretty suave too.  Quick, but I guess it had a point.  Though I feel sorry for Swagger dropping two matches in a row.  Way to build a credible champ.  And if you disagree, how retarded can WWE be to have Christian re-debut with a loss?  If that happens, I hope he is getting paid a LOT of money, because that’s just disgraceful.



Time for the mid ECW filler!  This week, we start with a package on Evan Bourne, who’s returning shortly.  Just keeps getting better and better.



Tyson Kidd w/ Natalya Vs. Bao Nguyen (Jobber)


So, uhh, is Natalya a face now?  I guess Jamie’s supposed to be a heel and based on the backstage confrontation, Tyson’s supposed to be a good guy.  Eh, who knows?


Tyson takes a page out of Evan Bourne’s playbook, opening up with a kick-happy offense from the opening bell. Stiff as hell shots too.  Good thing Bao’s Asian.  They’re bred to take shots like that.  Weak looking finisher though – a springboard elbow drop?  It’s still an elbow drop, and if it’s not Randy Savage doing it, I just don’t care.  Oh well.


Winner:  Tyson Kidd


What Stood Out:  It was a good squash I suppose.  Though I don’t recall seeing any usage of hands or wrestling holds…I guess everybody in FCW skips that class.  Well, that class and the “develop a unique and interesting persona” seminar.



Raw Rebound focuses on Orton’s assorted shenanigans last night.  Outside of the Ric Flair opening, I honestly thought the show wasn’t great.  The main event was only like 5 minutes, come on!  Also, way to sell the Ric Flair appearance by having him out for a few minutes then never mentioning him again.  Totally worth it. 



ECW Champion The All-American American Jack Swagger Vs. Christian, Non-Title Match


Christian’s theme is not so great.  It’s “Just Close Your Eyes” again, but instead of the woman singing, it’s some generic rock band.  Kind of screaming bland to me.


So, things start out with a general feeling out, and Christian is getting pops whenever he pops Swagger.  The crowd gets amped when he delivers a pride-obliterating bitch slap, as do I.  After a few minutes of back and forth…ugh.  Out comes Finlay and Hornswoggle to shit all over my good mood.  And here’s the obligatory commercial break 2 minutes into the match!


Back from break, Team Irish has joined the commentary and Christian is frothing at the mouth for some reason.  Hornswoggle gave him rabies during the commercials.  Actually, he just got gorrila press slammed to the outside, and was falling victim to some All-American American Amateur Wrestling.  While Swagger goes to town on Christian, Finlay rightfully puts over the competition at No Way Out.  I imagine people just tuning it might be a little confused at this point.  Swagger sets Christian on the top turnbuckle, and gets answered with a big tornado DDT to turn the tide.  And he’s getting the crowd going.  Christian makes a bad bad move then, going for a diving headbutt, which misses.  I’m not so sure Canadians should be doing that move from now on.  Oklahoma roll gets two, and a belly-to-belly gets another two.  After some playtime on the ropes, things spill to the outside, with Christian getting tossed into the announce team.  After getting back in the ring, Swagger tries to undo a turnbuckle pad, which distracts the referee.  He undoes another pad instead, and tries to electric chair drop Christian into the exposed steel.  But what happens when a ref is distracted?  You got it, time for Finlay to take action!  He didn’t take kindly to having a small Canadian tossed into him, and pops Swagger behind the knee with the stick.  This gives Christian the opportunity to slip out, hit the Unprettier, and pick up a win.  Told you he was winning.


Winner:  Christian


What Stood Out:  Swagger can put on some decent matches, no doubt about it.  Barring the usual Irish chicanery, the match had some damn good wrestling.  I might be a little biased, as I did like both competitors.  Personally, I wouldn’t have made this match right out of the gate, as the thing about matches…someone loses.  So it was either completely assrape Christian’s debut with a loss, or make Swagger look like a chump…who happens to be champion.  For further examples, see “Mysterio, Rey” and “Punk, CM.”


Apparently they really crammed this show to the brim, because as soon as Christian gets his arm raised, we’re done.  Seriously, we got about 5 seconds of post bell time.  THE END.



Uppers:  Hmmm, let’s see.  For once, there’s a lot to choose from!  First, while I don’t think having him debut on ECW is the best idea, it’s still awesome to see Christian back in the WWE.  I guess it’s to give him something to do before they completely let him run wild, probably on Jeff Hardy.  Getting TJ Wilson and Nattie Neidhart is just icing on the cake, especially when it gives Jamie Noble a storyline by proxy.  Add on that the wrestling as a whole was on point tonight, and like I said, lots to enjoy here.


Downers:  Hmmm, let’s see.  For once, there’s damn near nothing to choose from!  Once again, the wrestling matches themselves were on the short side, barring the main event.  The upside though was that they focused on building new storylines, instead of throwing recaps and commercials galore out there.  Honestly, what can I say here?  I am hard-pressed to find stupid shit.  Oh, I would’ve enjoyed Hornswoggle not existing tonight, but you knew that already. 


Overall:  Yeah…all is forgiven, ECW.  Tonight most definitely made up for the past couple weeks.  It probably explains the past couple weeks too, considering it felt like those shows were on autopilot.  For once I can say I’m genuinely excited to see what happens next week.  How often do I say that?  Let me check…yep, I think this is the first time. 


Alright, I need to go take a shower.  Tonight’s show made me make a little mess downstairs, if you get my drift (JIZZED IN MY PANTS FROM SHEER AWESOME).  See you next week.





Yeah, I didn’t watch Raw last night actually.  The reason why is so horrible that I will not explain it here.  Luckily Cameron Burge turned in a fantastic read as always.  So, in a way to say sorry, here’s this hilarious picture:



Aww isn’t he cute?  And now you know the only situation that I find Hornswoggle entertaining.  OK, new recurring segment – The Weekly Pic/Gif of Hornswoggle that entertains me.  I’ll probably broaden it soon enough, but for now, yeah, Hornswoggle.


One last thing, and that’s my take on Christian in ECW.  Now that I’ve had a week to marinate, I have my ups and downs about it.  On the good side, Christian’s finally back in the WWE and on ECW, so I get to recap him.  I am pleased.  Also, for now, it’s a good fit.  Better to be the #1 guy on ECW then returning and being promptly lost in the shuffle on Raw or Smackdown.  Ask Chris Jericho how he enjoyed that return to Raw.  “Me Want Title Match” indeed.  However, when you really think about it, why is he on ECW?  Recall where he came from, and you have your answer.  The answer?  WWE is petty, as usual.  Why interject him into Jeff Hardy’s storyline and be shot to the top, when he can wrestle on ECW, right?  Also, I know he’s only on ECW until the draft, where any and all useful talent in the brand is taken away.  I CANNOT WAIT.  Yeah, I really don’t want to think about it, as it just depresses me.  NOW, we can get to it!


Still standing here in…I don’t care!  Before the show starts, we get a recap of last week’s Swagger-Christian related shenanigans.  Good stuff, but sadly missing the shot of Swagger’s belt falling off his waist as he walked to the ring.  That’s OK, because I missed it too.  But when I saw it…awesome.  Only other note is the absurdity of Christian coming back…and saying his goal is the ECW Championship.  Setting his sights high, that chap is.  It’s like be going back to my old job to get the position of mailroom supervisor.



Boogeyman Vs. Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill


So, apparently this match was made as a result of Paul’s retarded impersonation of Christian Bale last week on the web.  I can think of no greater punishment than demanding a passable match out of this asswipe.


So, a Katie Lea distraction gets Paul an early advantage, but that of course, does nothing.  Boogey busts out his generic offense of scoop slams and stinger splashes, which is quite…blah.  Boogey decides to forgo etiquette and goes for the worms before the match is over, and all this gets him is a roll-up for the loss.  How eventful.


Winner:  Paul Burchill


What Stood Out:  Any match where Boogey loses is good shit in my book.


Post-bell, Boogey is not amused and looks to get down with Katie.  I’d be all for it, just without the worm.  However, everyone’s got their fetishes.  Give google a try sometime, see what you get.  Katie puts her hookerWWE Diva training to use and hightails it out of there in heels.  Apparently they’re building suspense for the worm pay-off on these two.  I don’t know about you, but that’s going to be MY WrestleMania moment.



We get a slideshow of the title match from No Way Out here, which was…uh, something.  As long as Hornswoggle being useless goes somewhere, I enjoyed it.  Otherwise, this match was BULLSHIT.



John Morrison w/ The Miz Vs. Tommy Dreamer


Oh boy, can’t wait to see how this one turns out!  Sure to be a competitive contest, with Tommy coming out on top of course!  If I have to explain this to you, you fail.  At life.


Tommy quickly sends Morrison outside of the ring with a clothesline, but when Tommy is on the apron to follow him out, Miz comes up with some general douchebaggery to distract Dreamer.  This allows Morrison to fling Dreamer to the floor, in an impressive spot.  Well, impressive for ECW.  Well, impressive for WWE ECW.


Morrison gets an advantage for a couple minutes, but Dreamer turns things around.  Miz tries to distract again and gets ejected, leading to Dreamer turning it around with suplexes and such.   However, this is Dreamer we’re talking about people, so he undoubtedly fucks it up.  In this case, he gets kicked in the face coming off the top rope.  Moonlight Drive right after to take another pinfall.


Winner:  Tommy Dreamer


What Stood Out:  Tommy is losing so much that he’s bumming out Grisham and Striker at this point.  When you’re so bad that you’re depressing the ANNOUNCERS, it’s time to hang it up.



Backstage, Hornswoggle is…training.  Because he’s TOTALLY competing in the main event tonight, as opposed to being a retarded nuisance.  Good strategy, Finlay.  Christian interrupts and Hornswoggle rightfully gets his ass out of there.  Damn right you don’t steal Christian’s spotlight!  Finlay and Christian then talk about teaming up later.  Pointless filler, yum.



New video with Evan Bourne being compared to a jet taking off.  Why did you need to know that?  Because I think he kicks ass, that’s why.  My column, my rules.  However, I would’ve made one addition – at the point where Bourne hits the PPSSP in the video, how about a sound of a plane crashing?  I mean, who could POSSIBLY find that offensive?  Everybody?  OK then.



Tyson Kidd w/ Natalya Vs. Caden Matthews


Apparently, Tyson’s gimmick is Jack Swagger v.2, as he can’t stop smiling.  However, his grin is decidedly less Busey-esque.


Tyson hits stiff kicks a plenty to start out, and that’s about it.  The jobber gets a back elbow in, and that’s also, about it.  Slingshot leg drop to the outside set’s him up for the weak-ass springboard elbow drop, and Tyson’s 2-0.


Winner:  Tyson Kidd


What Stood Out:  I’m confused.  At this point, are the Canadian Couple supposed to be good guys or bad guys?  They keep pointing out his upcoming feud with Jamie Noble, who’s supposed to be a bad guy, right?  Ugh.  Oh, his music’s alright too.  If he ever has a match with Evan Bourne, it’ll be a battle of the generic guitar riffs.  Make it happen.



It’s filler time!  This time it’s WrestleMania 14.  Highlights include Pete Rose being tombstoned, someone getting thrown in a dumpster (I can only hope it was Billy Gunn), and Shawn’s ridiculously gay ponytail.  Come on man, a BRAIDED ponytail?  Really?  Also I really hope Mike Tyson pulled that punch on him, because that shit looked pretty painful.  Knowing Tyson’s escapades, I doubt it.  It would explain Shawn’s currently lazy eye, however.



Backstage, it’s a meeting of the greats – Ricky Ortiz and Tommy Dreamer.  Ricky DEMANDS Tommy to RALLY UP.  There it is.  Tommy Dreamer win streak, coming right up!



My opinion on the Funks being inducted to the Hall of Fame?  Not much.  I never caught their stuff really, just Terry in general getting the shit knocked out of him in the WWF/WWE.  Oh and Chainsaw Charlie.  I PRAY that gets mentioned in the induction.



Mark Henry (w/ Tony Atlas) and Jack Swagger Vs.  Christian and Finlay (w/ Hornswoggle)


Thankfully, Swagger’s belt stays on this time during his ape dance down the ramp.  Coming back from the break, we get the first (as far as I know) usage of the ECW REWIND.  Christian really is changing things here!  Can I make more random notes?  You bet I can!  The font on Christian’s tights is akin to Budweiser.  Christian doesn’t come out last, which is bullshit.  Finally, Striker makes me a fan for life by saying how he’s getting sick of Hornswoggle.  You and me both, buddy.


Christian and Henry start out, and the size difference is pretty damn noticeable.  Christian never really was a heavyweight, and it shows as his ass is tossed all over the ring.  After some respective tags, Finlay and Christian take turns tuning up on Swagger.  Nothing special really, just hits galore.  However, when Christian wants to tag out to Finlay, UH OH HORNSWOGGLE IS NURSING A BOO BOO.  So, after some hesitation, Finlay tags back in and stomps away on Swagger.  Please God, let this plot end with Finlay beating the everloving shit out of Hornswoggle.

Back from break, Swagger has turned it around and goes to work on Finlay in the corner, followed by sending him to the outside, where Finlay is promptly run the fuck over by Henry.  Henry then tags in and punches a few times, then tags back out.  Look at him earn that paycheck.  Finlay gets a glimmer of hope by hitting a Stunner on Swagger, but because he isn’t Stone Cold Steve Austin, Jack no-sells that shit and takes his head off with a clothesline.  Not literally, though that would be cool.  Henry tags back in and hits a few more punches, then tags back out.  LOOK AT HIM EARN THAT PAYCHECK.  Swagger does his thing some more, and tags in Henry.  Henry punches a few times and…tries to hit an elbow drop and misses.  Come on man, follow the pattern!  Christian and Swagger are tagged in, and Christian runs wild.  He even goes for the diving headbutt again (difference is he doesn’t have his arms outstretched like a certain someone), which connects.  This of course leads to various bullshit, notably with Henry lifting Christian up for a reverse World’s Strongest Slam…thing.  Hornswoggle does his thing, by biting Henry’s leg.  Just looking for some dark meat, I suppose.  This allows Finlay to hit a stick shot to send Henry packing, leaving Swagger all alone with Christian.  Christian counters out of the Doctor Bomb for an Unprettier (which has now been named the slightly less gay Killswitch), and the victory.


Winner:  Christian and Finlay


What Stood Out:  Actually, the commentary.  Most notably by one Matt Striker.  He was trying out his heel announcer suit on this one, and it was pretty good stuff.  Any announcer who is openly showing his hatred for the midget is A OK in my book.  Oh, the match was good too, I guess.


Well, at least this time, the show wasn’t over 2 seconds after the bell.  Finlay and Christian share a hearty handshake, while Hornswoggle looks on, being useless as always.  THE END.



Uppers:  Less than last week, that’s for sure. I’ll have to go with the main event, which was decent stuff.  Having an actual heel announcer on WWE TV will be a refreshing change of pace, if they stick to it.  Come on, you know you want 90’s Jerry Lawler back.  Also, the promise of Finlay eventually getting fed up with Hornswoggle and (figuratively, though literally I hope) murdering him has me quite excited.  Honorable mention to the opening match, based solely on Boogeyman taking a loss for once.  Katie Lea being on my screen helps, however.  Even if she’s starting to become the next Ariel at this point.


Downers:  If it wasn’t the beginning or the end, I just didn’t see the point of this show.  Morrison/Dreamer was pretty blah (although it’s just getting fucking depressing with Tommy at this point), and I guess Tyson Kidd has to get some credibility via the “squash jobbers” route, even if that’s how all the new ECW talent does it.  Yay variety!   


Overall:  OK, I see what the point of the show was.  Build for the future.  But it’s not the future, now is it, WWE?  They had a chance to capitalize on the buzz of Christian showing up, but I imagine this show just made people go “oh yeah, still the same ECW” and flip to Scrubs or something.  So, maybe they get to 2.0 if they’re lucky.  REALLY lucky.  But that’s not going to happen next week.  For shame, WWE. 



OK, time to go eat.  And possibly wake up, as tonight bored me a little bit.  Hey, what can I say, some weeks I got it, some I don’t.  Next week.  Be there.  Or don’t, and just read what I type about it.





Welcome back, ingrates.  I am rather disappointed I didn’t get any birthday gifts from my faithful readers.  Nevermind that no one knows when my birthday is (it was yesterday if you actually care).  Or that my faithful readers don’t exist.  I hate it when you people get all realistic on me.


How about that ending to Raw last night?  I thought it was OK, but one of the forumers gave me a good idea that made it infinitely more hilarious.  Enjoy:




Thank me later.


Now before we get into the report, of course we can’t get to it without The Weekly Pic/Gif of Hornswoggle that entertains me!  This one is courtesy of JBL:



OK, enough of the picture show, let’s get to it!



Still standing here in…missed it again!  Wherever Raw was last night, figure it out.


DJ Gabriel w/ Alicia Fox Vs. Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas


Alicia is looking quite hot tonight…minus the gigantic forehead.  Headbands are not her friend.


DJ (not the Rock) gets tossed all over the ring from the opening bell, but Gabriel gets an opening soon thereafter from Sexual Chocolate taking over.  He tries to give Alicia the eye, letting DJ get in some of the weakest dropkicks and punches you’ve ever seen.  That lasted all of 5 seconds before Henry takes over with more of that EXCITING offense that gets the crowd going to the bathroom.  DJ rallies and actually makes Mark Henry move a little bit (no small feat as that would require EFFORT), but tries going up top.  The cross body is blocked, turned into a World’s Strongest Slam, and DJ’s done.  What a push they’re giving this guy!


Winner:  Mark Henry


What Stood Out:  So, the guy hasn’t been seen for weeks, only to come back here and get squashed into oblivion.  Hello, unemployment line!  Also, the lack of SHORYUKEN was disappointing.



Apparently the plane taking off video package was recalled from last week for Evan Bourne.  Oh well.  Instead he gets like tribal drums this time.  Just fucking return already!  I need what I can get.



Tyson Kidd w/ Natalya Vs. Matt Boyce


Sad.  I read on spoilers this jobbers name was going to be Joe B. Roni!


Tyson tries some MANLY amateur wrestling to start off…while wearing pink tights.  I know it’s a Hart tradition but come on.  With the Charlie brown hairdo and those tights, kind of hard to take the guy seriously.  Boyce gets a surprise roll-up from the whole exchange, which leads to Tyson going back to the old well of “kick your opponent as hard as you can.”  He tries a sleeper with her legs even!  And that wasn’t a typo.  When he was screaming at the ref to ask if he submits, I thought Natalya was wrestling for a second there.  Well anyway, he hits a jumping roundhouse to the face with both feet, looking like a spinning dropkick.  Springboard elbow drop right after for the pin.  OOOOOOH YEAH~!


Winner:  Tyson Kidd


What Stood Out:  TJ is one fucking lucky man to have been ragtagging Nattie’s ass for years, while having the most retarded attributes I’ve ever seen on a straight man.  I think I hate him.  That is all.



Raw recap is up now, with the whole Orton-McMahon thing being reviewed.  Sigh.  I imagine Kayfabe is like a cat – it has 9 lives.  Yeah, pretty sure all 9 of them were offed in that one HHH interview from SmackDown last Friday.  Oh, and you can see the whole thing up above, just way more awesome.



Tommy Dreamer Vs. Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill


Tommy (deservedly) scores himself the jobber entrance this week, but starts things off well with Paul from the opening bell.  You could say he has…RALLIED UP?  Fists, clotheslines, and neckbreakers give Tommy the early edge but Paul quickly comes back with his bland as hell offense, lacking any holds whatsoever.  Listen, I know the guy can do some serious shit, but could he possibly do it while he’s on my TV screen?  Tommy takes over with some fists of his own, but Paul goes back on offense soon after.  After a little more back and forth, Tommy sets Paul up for the tree of woe dropkick, but Katie pulls her brother out of the way.  This prompts Boogeyman to pull her ass under the ring, and his music and lights start obnoxiously start up.  Katie escapes, but the shittiness that is Boogeyman distracts Paul long enough for Dreamer to sneak in a DDT for the win.  HOLY SHIT~!


Winner:  Tommy Dreamer


What Stood Out:  WHAT DID I SAY LAST WEEK?!  “There it is.  Tommy Dreamer win streak, coming right up!” Fucking right.



Christian Vs. ECW Champion The All-American American Jack Swagger


Looks like they’re not fucking around with this one, giving it 20+ minutes of TV time.  In the words of one Catherine Perez, let’s get the JACK SWAGGER AND CHRISTIAN SHOW started!  Oh, by the way, Christian gets a hearty amount of cheers from the crowd.  Recall, this IS ECW.


Of course, it’s amateur hour at the start, with Swagger getting the best of it.  Though, that’s logical.  Jack’s an ALL-AMERICAN AMERICAN.  Christian isn’t even American.  Sheesh.  Christian eventually goes “fuck this” and answers with some right hands and a headlock, which is turned into more amateur bullshit, with some generic power moves thrown in for good measure.  In a damn fine exchange, however, Christian escapes the corner charge by slipping through the ropes, and flipping upside down to pop Swagger in the face with both feet.  Swagger gets sent to the outside right after, and Christian answers with a springboard cross-body which gets a great reaction from the crowd.  And from me.  So far, so good.  When did Christian become a white Rey-Rey, though?


Back from break, Jack is in control, and actually HITS the Vader bomb for once, but it only gets two.  Hey, it had to work sometime.  Just ask Ric Flair, with his top rope shenanigans.  Things spill outside the ring, and Christian tries to smash Jack against the steel steps, but ends up busting his arm against them instead.  Back in at 8, Jack goes back on offense with arm holds aplenty.  This goes on for a couple minutes before Christian gets a quickie headlock.  This is transferred into a hammerlock, which leads to a NICE combo by Swagger.  He basically, without dropping Christian from the powerslam position, gives a shoulderbreaker, smashes the Canuck into the turnbuckle, gives ANOTHER shoudlerbreaker, and finally a powerslam.  See?  Having small wrestlers has its advantages, no?


Back from another commercial break, we see Christian trying to go for a sleeper, but Swagger powers out into a front facelock.  After a few more hits, Christian hits a missile dropkick for the double count spot.  Christian’s up first (sporting possibly the whiniest face I’ve ever seen) and uses some rope-assisted chokes to get the advantage.  Diving headbutt bombs, Swagger gets a northern lights suplex for two, and now it’s a counter fest.  Each guy tries their finishers, with Christian hitting a reverse DDT for two.  Swagger takes over again, and goes for the Vader Bomb AGAIN, which meets knees to the gut.  Like you thought he was going 2-for-2 with that tonight.  Springboard sunset flip gets another two, and Christian goes for the diving headbutt AGAIN.  Sheesh, trying to bring this move back as hard as they can, hmm?  This time it hits, getting two.  Crowd is really getting into this one, actually.  Christian tries to go for the Killswitch, but just gets tossed into the steel post for his trouble.  Swagger goes for the Doctor Bomb, which is flipped out into another Killswitch attempt.  However, the shoulder starts acting up, and he winds up eating a Doctor Bomb for the hot finish.  GREAT match, believe it or not.


Winner:  Jack Swagger


What Stood Out:  Considering this was the same crowd that was busy snoozing through Raw, I can sort of see why.  They were pretty damn HOT for this match, especially the end.  I loved it myself.  Seal of approval on this one.


Jack tells off some fans to let them know who the man is.  Tonight, it’s definitely the both him and Christian.  Seriously.  THE END.


Uppers:  Main event.  Luckily, it was pretty much half the show.  When they give matches lots of time, quality definitely shines through.  Swagger/Christian was the absolute shit, by far the best match on ECW this year.  Not saying too much, but still.  Shame no one saw it.  I imagine Christian knew how this match went would probably determine his future booking in the ‘E, because he worked his ass off on this one.  Jack continues to get better and better, and I can’t complain.  Though his entrance is beyond ridiculous at this point.  Honorable mention to both Tommy Dreamer actually WINNING A MATCH, and even better, NO HORNSWOGGLE.


Downers:  Everything else was pretty blah.  Tommy winning is nice, but the match was so devoid of actual holds that I thought I was just seeing a couple of hairy bums going at it over a can of Aqua Net.  I almost completely forgot the opening match with DJ/Henry.  That should tell you how good I thought that was.  Tyson Kidd’s match was what you’d expect, but dude needs to get a competitive match going soon.  Jamie Noble’s on hand, but since Mike Knox fucked him up last night that might be a little while.  So, minor gripes tonight.   


Overall:  Total one match show tonight, but since that one match was FUCKING AWESOME I will let it slide.  Jack Swagger is certainly shaping up to be a rising star, and Christian is proving why he has such a loyal following.  I really can’t even attempt to joke about this.  Watch the damn match, right now. 


And that’s it for this week.  No witty shit tonight, just be sure to leave feedback if you like, and be sure to check out everybody else on here too, as they supply the funny a hell of a lot better than I do sometimes!  Next week, bitches.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).