THIS NEXT RECAP, IS ABOUT SHOOTING BLOOD OUT OF YOUR COCK.

Good day, non-believers! Yes, it is I, the perpetual hardass with no tolerance for tolerance,  sensitivity for minorities, nor the last name Swift (Wow, the irony of that fucking surname huh?) Joe freakin’ Merrick! Here to try my hand at recapping WWE’s current Special Needs program known as ECW. Matter of fact, I’d say the place is like WWE’s very own proverbial ‘back of the bus’, where they keep the poor schlubs out of the way from the main evener’s drinking fountain. Thinking about it, this place has like, all of WWE’s black talent on it. Coincidence? Perhaps. Really? Dunno. Want to order out some Chinese? Sure.

One note I would like to make before I delve into the deep. I must warn you guys that I just have not bothered to follow WWE or TNA at all recently, so I might not know what the fuck is going on. That said, from what I can see even people who watch this shit religiously don’t get what’s going on. For evidence, see Mark Henry appearing for no reason on RAW this week. Honestly, from the sounds of it, I’m surprised Michael Bay hasn’t been involved with WWE Films yet, seeing as both go together so fucking well. (Guys being put in comedic roles for no logical reason, women bending over at inopportune moments, bright shiney lights) Hell all that’s missing is whenever a move is performed the wrestlers don’t explode into flames.

Matter of fact, that’ll be tonight’s rating system: Directors.

Let’s get to it, suckas.

We start off with Punk coming down to the ring in his street clothes. Kind of pointless really, seeing as half the time in WWE guys seem to wear their wrestling gear even when they don’t have a match (I don’t care HOW arousing spandex feels). Anyway, Punk recaps something about crashing a fiesta of Chavo’s last week and plays a video of it. Wow. Nice tash. Something tells me Punk would have made for a pretty lousy Mexican, ya know. For one he wouldn’t want to be anywhere near Tequila, and let’s face it, his addiction to competition would actually call for him to, you know, get up off his ass.

Punk demands his rematch, which summons Chavo himself out, who tells Punk that he is disgracing the Guerrero name, and Eddie is watching from both Heaven and Hell because he would have wanted the show to go on, before bringing out a low-rider and fucking Vickie bareback on the hood.

That didn’t happen, but at what point did you realise it was a joke? Go on, be honest.

Anywho, Chavo calls Punk a Crazy Mariachi and Punk laughs, saying that that’s a good name for CM to stand for. I prefer Cocaine Macaroni, but, meh. Chavo then introduces Estrada on the video screen, who appears to be stood in the Gulf of Mexico. Estrada declares that the two will fight in a Tijuana Donkey match. Ha, ok not really. He actually calls it a Gulf of Mexico match, where the winner has to throw his opponent into the cesspool known as the Gulf of Mexico. I swear, WWE just comes out with some ass-backwards match types these days. Coming up at Wrestlemania: The world’s first Light bulb match! The only way to win is to screw in a light bulb before your opponent does! EXTREME RULES.

After this revelation, Chavo ends with some shitty line about making Punk ‘drown in his own tears; come No Way Out. That would only have been comical had Chavo’s theme music suddenly been played as How could this happen to meeeee, I made my mistaaaaakes….

First match time.

LAYLA & VICTORIA w/ LENA vs. MICHELLE MCCOOL & KELLY KELLY

Great.

Tazz shows off his ability to state the obvious by saying it’s blondes vs. brunettes. Ah, finally. We have learned the ingredients it takes to create a ‘rocket buster’. Although I coulda sworn the sole ingredient was a female pilot. Right, deceased crew of the Columbia?

Layla gets worked over by the blondes, and after some EXTREEEEME tags Lena trips up Kelly from outside, allowing Victoria to come in and hit the Widow’s Peak for a win.

WINNERS: Victoria & Layla

IF IT HAD BEEN DIRECTED BY: Ang Lee, the Divas would be strong, independent, have the ability to inexplicably fly, and be called Rayra and Kerry Kerry.

Styles and Tazz big up the upcoming Gulf of Mexico match. Honestly, what the hell.

Morrison and Miz are out now, the latter looking like a metro sexual Ton-Ton in that outfit he’s wearing (And I thought they smelled of semen and hair care products on the outside!) followed by Tommy Dreamer who leads out a limping Colin Delaney.

TOMMY DREAMER w/ COLIN DELANEY vs. JOHN MORRISON w/ MIZ

This should be interesting. Apparently the story here sees Tommy trying to tutor Colin in how to handle pain. However before the match starts Dreamer gets jumped and Colin gets stared down by Miz. Oh yeah, I’m sure that’s fucking petrifying. Morrison goes for a corkscrew moonsault but Tommy dodges it, hitting back with a shortarm clothesline and then a Tree of Woe. Tommy goes to capitalise, but Miz distracts him on the apron. Colin goes to stop Miz’ shenanigans but ends up being kicked into the guardrail, allowing Morrison enough time to hit a swinging neck breaker onto Tommy for the win.

WINNER: Morrison

IF IT HAD BEEN DIRECTED BY: M. Night Shyamalan, Colin Delaney would reveal to be a mermaid that the prophecy foretold.

Next they show a moving interview with Stevie Richards. They play the tape of Terry Funk dropping the guardrail on him in 1997 which caused all the problems with his throat. Stevie states that he has had 9 surgeries since, and will return back to action next week. With tears in his eyes, he says he’s one step toward showing everyone he is ready and that he loves to compete. God bless ya, Stevie.

KOFI KINGSTON vs. JAMES CURTIS

Guys, I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even know who these two are. So I’m gonna pretend it’s The Rock vs. Godzilla respectively.

The Rock goes into his patented stance, but Godzilla is having none of it. They exchange armbars for a bit but the fans seemed to become a little restless, so The Rock clocks Godzilla right in the mush with a sweet roundhouse kick for the win.

WINNER: Kofi Kingston.

IF IT HAD BEEN DIRECTED BY: Roland Emmerich, it would have taken only one missile to take down Godzilla. Oh wait.

They show footage of some dudes fishing in the Gulf of Mexico. This is the equivalent of hyping up a Hell in a Cell match by airing footage of guys having the time of their lives sunbathing.

CM PUNK vs. CHAVO GUERRERO - GULF OF MEXICO MATCH EXTREME RULES

Both guys are in street clothes (black t shirt and jeans) which obviously makes you invulnerable to chair shots. The fight soon spills outside where Chavo manages to ram Punk into a guardrail, and then takes the fight into the stands and amongst the crowd. They carry on fighting all the way out of an exit and into the locker room, and soon enough into the plaza outside. I gotta say, this looks less brutal and more amateurish. I’m expecting a big-ass monster to appear nearby and JJ Abrams’ name to pop up any second now.

A car drives up and honks its horn so Chavo takes it as an invitation to throw Punk onto the windshield, smashing it. Punk hits back with a kick that sends Chavo flying backwards right into a cameraman.

After a break, the announcers go silent as the two carry on. Punk unleashes haymakers abound and then throws him onto a very conveniently placed SUV, making this look more and more like a Smackdown vs. Raw game. All that’s missing is the 12 year old bitching about not being able to hit an FU and asking why his limbs are red.

They continue fighting over a guardrail onto the edge of a pier. Punk ends up on the floor as Chavo kicks him, screaming that he has to earn a re-match. This is all going on whilst those guys just carry on fishing.

Oh my bad, they just upped and left now. Chavo runs over and grabs an object that he thrusts into Punk’s gut, and now it’s back and forth as to who looks to go into the water. Finally, Chavo goes to suplex him, but Punk counters, and hit’s the Go2Sleep right into the water, and is announced the winner. Chavo yells for help but Punk just stands there and raises his arms.

WINNER: CM Punk

IF IT HAD BEEN DIRECTED BY: Christopher Nolan, Punk would have suddenly overdosed and died.

…..

So that’s it for this week I guess. Not exactly my biggest comeback, but hell, this seemed somewhat enjoyable. All I can say really is state the obvious and that it’s too short, the matches and feuds have little to no momentum for the most part, although at least this week wasn’t marred by no-talents like Big Daddy V or inexplicable appearances by non-ECW members. I’ll give it a nonchalant thumbs up.

That’s it from me this week. Hopefully we’ll have a new ECW recapper for you guys soon, but for now, I’ll have Josey Scott sing us out.

Josey: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH.

G’night everybody!