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ECW: The Next Generation
(February/ March 2008 Archives.)

February 05, 2008
February 12, 2008
March 11, 2008
March 18, 2008
March 25, 2008

By Joe Merrick




Good day, non-believers! Yes, it is I, the perpetual hardass with no tolerance for tolerance,  sensitivity for minorities, nor the last name Swift (Wow, the irony of that fucking surname huh?) Joe freakin’ Merrick! Here to try my hand at recapping WWE’s current Special Needs program known as ECW. Matter of fact, I’d say the place is like WWE’s very own proverbial ‘back of the bus’, where they keep the poor schlubs out of the way from the main evener’s drinking fountain. Thinking about it, this place has like, all of WWE’s black talent on it. Coincidence? Perhaps. Really? Dunno. Want to order out some Chinese? Sure.


One note I would like to make before I delve into the deep. I must warn you guys that I just have not bothered to follow WWE or TNA at all recently, so I might not know what the fuck is going on. That said, from what I can see even people who watch this shit religiously don’t get what’s going on. For evidence, see Mark Henry appearing for no reason on RAW this week. Honestly, from the sounds of it, I’m surprised Michael Bay hasn’t been involved with WWE Films yet, seeing as both go together so fucking well. (Guys being put in comedic roles for no logical reason, women bending over at inopportune moments, bright shiney lights) Hell all that’s missing is whenever a move is performed the wrestlers don’t explode into flames.


Matter of fact, that’ll be tonight’s rating system: Directors.


Let’s get to it, suckas.


We start off with Punk coming down to the ring in his street clothes. Kind of pointless really, seeing as half the time in WWE guys seem to wear their wrestling gear even when they don’t have a match (I don’t care HOW arousing spandex feels). Anyway, Punk recaps something about crashing a fiesta of Chavo’s last week and plays a video of it. Wow. Nice tash. Something tells me Punk would have made for a pretty lousy Mexican, ya know. For one he wouldn’t want to be anywhere near Tequila, and let’s face it, his addiction to competition would actually call for him to, you know, get up off his ass.


Punk demands his rematch, which summons Chavo himself out, who tells Punk that he is disgracing the Guerrero name, and Eddie is watching from both Heaven and Hell because he would have wanted the show to go on, before bringing out a low-rider and fucking Vickie bareback on the hood.


That didn’t happen, but at what point did you realise it was a joke? Go on, be honest.


Anywho, Chavo calls Punk a Crazy Mariachi and Punk laughs, saying that that’s a good name for CM to stand for. I prefer Cocaine Macaroni, but, meh. Chavo then introduces Estrada on the video screen, who appears to be stood in the Gulf of Mexico. Estrada declares that the two will fight in a Tijuana Donkey match. Ha, ok not really. He actually calls it a Gulf of Mexico match, where the winner has to throw his opponent into the cesspool known as the Gulf of Mexico. I swear, WWE just comes out with some ass-backwards match types these days. Coming up at Wrestlemania: The world’s first Light bulb match! The only way to win is to screw in a light bulb before your opponent does! EXTREME RULES.


After this revelation, Chavo ends with some shitty line about making Punk ‘drown in his own tears; come No Way Out. That would only have been comical had Chavo’s theme music suddenly been played as How could this happen to meeeee, I made my mistaaaaakes….


First match time.






Tazz shows off his ability to state the obvious by saying it’s blondes vs. brunettes. Ah, finally. We have learned the ingredients it takes to create a ‘rocket buster’. Although I coulda sworn the sole ingredient was a female pilot. Right, deceased crew of the Columbia?


Layla gets worked over by the blondes, and after some EXTREEEEME tags Lena trips up Kelly from outside, allowing Victoria to come in and hit the Widow’s Peak for a win.


WINNERS: Victoria & Layla


IF IT HAD BEEN DIRECTED BY: Ang Lee, the Divas would be strong, independent, have the ability to inexplicably fly, and be called Rayra and Kerry Kerry.


Styles and Tazz big up the upcoming Gulf of Mexico match. Honestly, what the hell.


Morrison and Miz are out now, the latter looking like a metro sexual Ton-Ton in that outfit he’s wearing (And I thought they smelled of semen and hair care products on the outside!) followed by Tommy Dreamer who leads out a limping Colin Delaney.




This should be interesting. Apparently the story here sees Tommy trying to tutor Colin in how to handle pain. However before the match starts Dreamer gets jumped and Colin gets stared down by Miz. Oh yeah, I’m sure that’s fucking petrifying. Morrison goes for a corkscrew moonsault but Tommy dodges it, hitting back with a shortarm clothesline and then a Tree of Woe. Tommy goes to capitalise, but Miz distracts him on the apron. Colin goes to stop Miz’ shenanigans but ends up being kicked into the guardrail, allowing Morrison enough time to hit a swinging neck breaker onto Tommy for the win.


WINNER: Morrison

IF IT HAD BEEN DIRECTED BY: M. Night Shyamalan, Colin Delaney would reveal to be a mermaid that the prophecy foretold.


Next they show a moving interview with Stevie Richards. They play the tape of Terry Funk dropping the guardrail on him in 1997 which caused all the problems with his throat. Stevie states that he has had 9 surgeries since, and will return back to action next week. With tears in his eyes, he says he’s one step toward showing everyone he is ready and that he loves to compete. God bless ya, Stevie.




Guys, I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even know who these two are. So I’m gonna pretend it’s The Rock vs. Godzilla respectively.


The Rock goes into his patented stance, but Godzilla is having none of it. They exchange armbars for a bit but the fans seemed to become a little restless, so The Rock clocks Godzilla right in the mush with a sweet roundhouse kick for the win.


WINNER: Kofi Kingston.


IF IT HAD BEEN DIRECTED BY: Roland Emmerich, it would have taken only one missile to take down Godzilla. Oh wait.


They show footage of some dudes fishing in the Gulf of Mexico. This is the equivalent of hyping up a Hell in a Cell match by airing footage of guys having the time of their lives sunbathing.




Both guys are in street clothes (black t shirt and jeans) which obviously makes you invulnerable to chair shots. The fight soon spills outside where Chavo manages to ram Punk into a guardrail, and then takes the fight into the stands and amongst the crowd. They carry on fighting all the way out of an exit and into the locker room, and soon enough into the plaza outside. I gotta say, this looks less brutal and more amateurish. I’m expecting a big-ass monster to appear nearby and JJ Abrams’ name to pop up any second now.


A car drives up and honks its horn so Chavo takes it as an invitation to throw Punk onto the windshield, smashing it. Punk hits back with a kick that sends Chavo flying backwards right into a cameraman.


After a break, the announcers go silent as the two carry on. Punk unleashes haymakers abound and then throws him onto a very conveniently placed SUV, making this look more and more like a Smackdown vs. Raw game. All that’s missing is the 12 year old bitching about not being able to hit an FU and asking why his limbs are red.


They continue fighting over a guardrail onto the edge of a pier. Punk ends up on the floor as Chavo kicks him, screaming that he has to earn a re-match. This is all going on whilst those guys just carry on fishing.


Oh my bad, they just upped and left now. Chavo runs over and grabs an object that he thrusts into Punk’s gut, and now it’s back and forth as to who looks to go into the water. Finally, Chavo goes to suplex him, but Punk counters, and hit’s the Go2Sleep right into the water, and is announced the winner. Chavo yells for help but Punk just stands there and raises his arms.




IF IT HAD BEEN DIRECTED BY: Christopher Nolan, Punk would have suddenly overdosed and died.




So that’s it for this week I guess. Not exactly my biggest comeback, but hell, this seemed somewhat enjoyable. All I can say really is state the obvious and that it’s too short, the matches and feuds have little to no momentum for the most part, although at least this week wasn’t marred by no-talents like Big Daddy V or inexplicable appearances by non-ECW members. I’ll give it a nonchalant thumbs up.


That’s it from me this week. Hopefully we’ll have a new ECW recapper for you guys soon, but for now, I’ll have Josey Scott sing us out.




G’night everybody!

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

By Matt Folger.

My fellow wrestling fans, tonight is a special night.  You asked, nay, you demanded an ECW Recap from the writer of the INSANELY popular new column, Kinfe-Edge Pops.  And today your voices were heard! (Pause for applause)  Thank you, thank you.


Anyway, I was forced to stop watching Barack Obama's victory speech so I could give you YOUR ECW Rant this week.  I mean, how else would you find out what happened on it?  Watch it?  That's just crazy.  We are LIVE (A.K.A on a one week tape delay) from Hostoun, TX tonight!  Let's get on with the C show!


We get a replay of the first ever, totally extreme Gulf of Meh-hico match.  Glad I didn't have to write that one.  After pyro and fandomonium, Chavito hits the ring wearing what looks like a candy stripers shirt.  He looks really pale, and I can only pray for a return of Kerwin White!  We then see WWE.COM exclusive footage of Chavo being rescued from the water by...scuba divers?  In full get up no less, despite Chavo being really close to land and not under the water.  Anything can happen in the WWE!


Chavo says that he's lucky to be alive after CM Punk threw him into the Gulf of meh-hico, when Punk knew that Chavo couldn't swim.  They must go to the Y together on their off days.  He says he has a terrible sinus infection, a bad rash, the lights are really bright to him, and that while he was in the water he was stung by a jellyfish!  Again, anything can happen! But Chavo is strong, he's a fighter, a warrior, and-dare he say-a Guerrero!  So he doesn't want to wait 'til No Way Out, and wants to have a title match with Punk tonight.  This causes Armando Estrada to emerge from the back and hit the ring.  He says he's sorry about all the things Punk has done to Chavo, but can't allow the match to happen tonight.  Why?  Because Punk is taking on Mark Henry tonight.  Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!  Commercials!


Best of the Break - Why didn't YOU think of that!?


Back to a Wrestlmania package with a completely different theme song.  Holy shit, it's only 47 days away!  Cut to a recap of Stevie Richards interview last week, after which Stevie comes out to a great reaction.  A young fan is even holding a "Stevie is ECW" sign.  Rest assured he was taken out back and forced to watch the Kelly Kelly and Layla food fight.  That'll teach him!


Stevie Richards vs. Rory Fox


Rory is now my second favorite Rory in the WWE!!  Anyway, it's a pretty basic match.  They lock up and exchange offense as a Stevie chant begins to grow.  God damn, my new second favorite Rory is really vocal, to an annoying level.  Stevie hits some KNIFE EDGE CHOPS (POPS) and some kicks before throwing Rory into the turnbuckle and connecting with a crossbody.  Stevie hits the StevieT for 3!


Winner: Stevie Richards w/ TWF award


Before commercial, we get a completely unnecessary video package of Mark Henry, where he claims "Some people seem to have forgotten about Mark Henry!"  If only, Mark, if only.


Best of the Break - What's sadder than rapping a love message to your girlfriend?  Oh yeah, sending it to her phone, that's right.


We're back and..."Holla holla holla"....oh, fuck!  Kelly Kelly makes her entrance to a crowd that actually seems to like her a little.  Layla then comes out.  Double fuck.


Kelly Kelly vs. Layla w/ Lena Yada


They clumsily lock up and K2 hits two headlock take overs, the latter of which is countered by Layla into a head scissors.  Back to a headlock and the an Irish Whip followed by two atrocious clotheslines from Kelly Kelly, one of which from the second rope.  We then get the obligatory hair throw as Joey comments on the viciousness of such a move, to which Tazz replies that this ain't ballet and that he would like to see these two in ballet outfits.  Oh, did I mention Tazz sucks?  Back to the match where Lena channels the Hulkster and hits some devastating Leg Drops...to Kelly Kelly's arm?  Yeah.  An arm tie up and an elbow later, and Kelly Kelly is back in control  Man, Gill from The Simpsons is a better seller than she is.  SHe eventually reverses a suplex and hits some kind of facebuster for the win.


Winner: Kelly Kelly


Best of the Break - The showstopper, the icon, the menu event, the Whopper!


Back to the show.  Is it really wise to use a song called "Fake It" as the theme to a wrestling PPV?  Anyway, Kofi Kingston makes his entrance and in the ring waiting for him is...MIKE KNOX!!  He's still alive?


Kofi Kingston vs. Mike Knox


They lock up into the turnbuckle and have a punch and kick exchange until Kofi gets a headlock in.  Knox counters with a shoulder block.  Kofi then does a sweet counter of a hip toss into a monkey flip and throws Knox to the buckle.  He hits a cool looking move which lands him on top of Knox's face throwing punches, but Knox counters with a stiff punch and gets a near fall.  More standard offense from both guys until Kofi hits a drop kick.  A "boom boom" later and he hits the Jamaican Leg Drop and the "Jamaican Buzz Saw" for the win.


Winner: Kofi Kingston


Tazz mentions that he likes the "boom boom" which I'm sure makes him a frequent visitor to Thailand.  Some No Way Out pimpage and back to the ads!


Best of the Break - Sir, put the monkey down!


Back to Miz and Morrison in the ring as they call themselves a bunch of names they thought of like three minutes ago.  Out comes Tommy Dreamer with Colin Delany.  Is it just me, or does Colin look like a retarded Hardy brother?


Tommy Dreamer w/ Colin Delaney vs. John Morrison w/ The Miz


A headlock into a drop toe hold to start us off.  Dreamer then catches a really lame crossbody attempt by Morrison and hits a fall away slam.  Morrison then gets clotheslined to the outside and Dreamer hits a shoulder block off the apron.  Miz interfers as Tommy tries to get back in.  Back in the ring and Morrison hits a stomach breaker and hooks in an abdominal stretch.  He pushes Dreamer into the ropes, but misses the flying kick attempt and takes one in the crotch!  RIGHT IN THE CROTCH!!  A neck breaker and an elbow from Tommy.  Miz gets up on the apron but is quickly knocked down by Dreamer.  Morrison then cheap shots Colin on the outside and goes for his signature move that I'm assuming has no name, but Dreamer counters into a DDT for three.


Winner: Tommy Dreamer


Wow, two ECW Originals winning their matches with DDT's.  EXTREME!!!  Miz and Morrison then clear the ring and treat Cloin to a pretty neat little tandem move.  We then cut to a nice shot of Mark Henry's excessively sweaty back as a man with a headset informs him his match is next, to which Mark replies "IT AIN'T GONNA BE NO MATCH!!  It's gonna be a funeral!"  Oh, Mark, will you ever be decent?


Best of the Break - Bloodsport meets The OC in Never Back Down!


We're back and its MAIN EVENT time.  CM Punk is out, followed by Mark Henry who yells, and I quote "We'll see how straight-edge you are!"  Is he gonna force feed him a beer bong during the match, oops, I mean funeral?  Chavo also comes out to watch the action.


CM Punk vs. BM Green (Henry)


Punk tries to get in some kicks before Mark finally says "Man, get that shit outta here!" and knocks him down.  Into the corner where Henry proceeds to stand on top of Punk, because it's easier than wrestling, you see?  Henry then misses an elbow and Punk gets up, trying to kick his way to victory!  He gets Mark in the corner and hits the knee in the corner bit that he loves to do.  Henry counters by picking up Punk and THROWING him.  HE STRAIGHT UP THREW HIM, MAN!!  Punk gets tossed to the outside, followed by Henry who slams Punk into the ring post.  They get back in and Henry begins to choke Punk in the ropes.  The ref counts to five but still no release and he calls for the bell.


Winner by DQ: CM Punk


Henry tries to finish Punk off, but Punk counters with an enziguri that knocks Henry to the outside.  Chavo jumps in and eats a GTS for his troubles.  The show goes off the air as Punk holds up the belt in celebration.


HARDCORE: Two ECW orignals winning their matches.


SOFTCORE: Nothing cool about a main event DQ, ever.

Anvil's Swagbag
Oh, so this is what hell looks like!
That’s right, you limp dicks. You couldn’t be arsed to watch, or even TIVO ECW, the WWE’s equivalent of ‘Joey’, so I land the unenviable task of having to do it for you. You’re pathetic. ‘Oooh, look at me, I don’t wanna watch it, but I NEED somebody to tell me what happens!’. You make me SICK. You were too lazy to watch an hour of
TV!? You were too fucking lazy to sit in your lounge chair with a beer, and PICK UP A REMOTE?! Jesus, no wonder Americans are so fat.
Erm... unless you did watch, and just really wanted to read what I think, in which case.... erm... thanks guys... twilights last gleaming and all that.

It’s 3 o clock here in the UK, and, to be frank, my pillows right now look pretty damn appetising. Plus, I haven’t watched anything WWE related for god knows how long. I prefer to, you know, enjoy TV. So, I’m not promising brilliant analysis, sparkling wit, or unbiased play-by-play. Or even coherent sentences. But I CAN promise a bad temper, bitter sarcasm, and lots of swearing. It’s all I have.

Match 1:- Tommy Dreamer and some kid Vs. John Morrison and The Miz for the Tag Titles. EXTREMEly relaxed rules.

Right, so that scrawny fucker that looks like he’d disintegrate if he ever made contact with direct sunlight is Colin Delaney? Shit me, dude looks like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia.
I also hear rumours that The Miz is generally one of the best things about ECW these days. How shit scary is that?! When The Red Rooster is the highlight of your show, CUT YOUR LOSSES. Nobody needs another Thunder.
So basically, Dreamer and Morrison start, but Morrison is a crafty sumbitch and takes out Delaney so that Morrison and The Miz can double team Dreamer. Okay, here’s a thought. Why did they even start on the apron? I mean, jeez, do whatever you want guys! Beat each other with heavy shit! MAKE EACH OTHER BLEED!! KILL EACH OTHER GODDAMIT!!! But before you do that... tag the Miz in. And I want to see you make full hand contact. There’s a good boy.
So Delaney won’t take this lying down, so he flies out of the corner with a huge crossbody. Well, I say huge; I mean pretty fucking puny. Catching Delaney is the equivalent of catching a Frisbee. I could catch Delaney in my fucking MOUTH. Or something a lot less homoerotic.
Dreamer clotheslines Miz and Morrison out, and Delaney jumps on them again. If I was Morrison, this’d just be annoying me at this point. I mean, what does this guy weigh? Three bags of sugar? And of course, they all sell it like they were just shot. COME THE FUCK ON. Delaney is the WWE equivalent of Chucky. If Chucky came at me with a hammer, I’d punt the little bastard out of the window, then piss on him from the balcony. In essence, what I am saying is somebody should piss on Colin Delaney. I think.

This is deteriorating into a brawl. And not the bad, New Jack kind of brawl where he basically dances around and occasionally pokes somebody in the head with a fork. I mean the fun kind, where Colin Delaney SWINGS FOR THE FENCES with a kendo stick, thus... erm... probably causing some very slight reddening and a tiny readjustment of the hair. God, Colin Delaney is pussy looking. Every time he swings a weapon, I’m scared his arm is gonna fall off like a leper. When they are all back in the ring, Dreamer gives Delaney a football helmet. Good idea! We don’t want his head lacerating and him bleeding his aids juice everywhere.
But WAIT! THIS IS EXTREME RULES! I can hear it now!
Joey Styles:- Oh no! What’s Colin doing! He’s revealing The Miz’s rectal passage! It can’t be... it IS!! HE’S DELIVERING THE AIDS EXPRESS!! OH MY GOD, THAT’S DEVESTATING!

The action continues with more garbage wrestling. Dreamer ties Miz and Morrison in tree’s of woe, and with the garbage can does the old ECW face dropkick. Always looks painful. Dreamer and Colin hit the double DDT’s to no avail, and Delaney gets tossed out of the ring. Shit, I don’t even know what’s going on anymore HOLY SHIT MORRISON JUST MOONSAULTED A GARBAGE CAN INTO DELANEY! That looked pretty sweet. Meanwhile, Dreamer hits ANOTHER DDT on The Miz. SURELY HE CAN’T GET UP FROM THE DEVESTATING DREAMER DDT THAT LOOKS THE SAME AS EVERY OTHER DDT IN THE BUSINESS!? Nobody is ever gonna buy the DDT as a finisher again, it’s been so watered down. It’s the equivalent of finishing the match with a fucking snap suplex.

Morrison comes back in and they put Dreamer through the table that I never told you was in the ring. Screw you, I don’t get paid for this. They pin him and retain. Joy and tribulation for all.

Winners: Morrison and Miz.

Estrada comes down to the ring, and I had forgotten he was the new GM. Maybe I should have done some research into this report. Anyway, he announces a 24 man Battle Royal at Wrestlemania, with the winner of said Battle Royale taking on Chavo Guerrero on the spot for the ECW championship. While this sounds like fun, you know what I think would have been a better idea for Wrestlemania?




Ahem... And out comes a man who will apparently be in said Battle Royale...
The Great Khali.

Match 2:- The Great Khali Vs Steven Rich... oh shit, it’s over.
Winner:- The Great Khali.

And out comes... is that... Mike Knox!? Holy mother of shit, he still has a JOB!? He starts beating on Stevie. I have a theory that he’s going into business for himself. I reckon he just thought, ‘Well, if they have forgotten about me, I’ll go pound on the other guy that has had no attention for the past seven years.’ And so, whilst all the agents in the back are going, ‘SHIT, WE HAVE DEAD AIR! WE NEED TO PUT SOMETHING IN THE RING’, Stevie and Mike Knox are battling their little invisible hearts out.
Moving swiftly on.

Match 3:- Deuce VS Kofi Kingston.
Kofi who!? This guy looks like Undercover Brother. BLAXPOITATION FTW.
So yeah, this match is basically as basic as it gets. To cover for the fact that Deuce is about as handy as a large turd, one would assume. Lots of armbars and such, with Kofi occasionally darting around and hitting bodyblocks and forearms. Kofi is representin’ hi’sel’ tonight fool. Or for those of you not down with the brown, he’s pretty good. Shame the first match I get to see him in is against the wrestling equivalent of a giant sack of potatoes. With a large turd perched on top. Goddamn I hate Deuce.
Here’s the thing I don’t get about WWE. How are they putting Steven Richards in lame-ass squash matches when they could put Deuce in the squash and have Richards battle Kofi in what would be a good match? It’s not like they are holding off on it for a PPV, is it!?
The finish sees Kofi go for a monkey flip and miss, but he no sells that (STICK IT TO DA MAN NEGRO!) and drills Deuce with an enziguri for the win.

Winner:- Kofi Kingston. Email me if you can confirm that he does actually talk like the crow from Dumbo, and all that jive.

Matt Striker is prepping Big Daddy V for the Money In The Bank qualifier tonight against CM Punk. Part of me wants him to win, just to see the ladder buckle, or to see him rest his titties on the top step as he reaches for the belt. I’m a breast man myself.

Now CM Punk says some stuff. He’s gonna win, he’s in his hometown yadda yadda. Note to WWE Creative. Stop scripting Punk, you asses. You’re dragging him down to your pitiful level.

Match 4:- Festus vs Elijah Burke.
Fest who!? Okay, I get the jist. The guys a retard who stops being retarded when he has to fight. Shit, if I knew the cure was that easy to come by, I’d be punching the wheelchair bound all the time! Tomorrow, in fact, I’ll make a point of kicking a Downs syndrome kid in the face. I’m nice like that.
Elijah punches Festus. No go. Elijah keeps ducking and diving and hitting Festus’ arm, and Festus is too goddamn slow to do anything about it. Until he starts doing something about it, and then I lose interest, to be fair. Hey, you know what’s more fun than this?



Shit, look, it’s so much fun even Axl Rose is getting involved! Plus, you gotta hate those bloody Canadians and their hockey. It’s just like a fight on ice, without any of the fun of a fight on ice. Curling is a true man’s sport.

Eugh, reluctantly back to the match.

Festus throws Burke around, hits him with a boot, decapitates him with a knee, throws him some more, and pins him. Glorified squash without much glory. In a rating of one to cack, this one gets the full cacky thumbs down.

Winner:- Festus. When will they push Burke, goddamit?

Main Event:- CM Punk vs Big Daddy V:- Money in the Bank qualifier.
Shelton joins the announcers. I believe he’s already in the MITB match, but he won’t be winning it, because he’s Shelton Benjamin, and it doesn’t matter how talented you are. If they give you the same gimmick as they gave Butch Reed, you won’t be getting a push any time soon, buckerino.
CM Punk realises quickly that he can’t match strength with V, so he goes for the legs, but V is one fat motherfucker, and uses his weight to decimate CM Punk. V stands on him, and then chops him in the corner (You can almost hear him say, ‘mmmmm, chops’, if you listen hard enough.) V throws him across the ring, and then charges at Punk, who dodges that shit and then hits him with two of the fakest knees in the business. SOMEBODY NEEDS TO TELL THE CAMERAMAN TO GET ON THE OTHER SIDE WHEN PUNK DOES THE KNEES! It is so obvious Punk is slapping his knee, it is almost pantomime. I mean, you put a Sgt Pepper jacket on him, you could call him Buttons.
So yeah, CM Punk goes for the Go To Sleep, because apparently, he’s a fucking idiot. Dude couldn’t lift V if he was on performance enhancing drugs. He collapses under the weight after realising that he is neither Popeye nor John Cena, but then SHAFTS Big Daddy V out of the ring. Big Daddy V can’t get back in, CM Punk wins by count-out. I CALL SHENANIGANS!! What a lot of toss.

Winner:- Punk. Never ceases to amaze me that the bigger guys always lose to the most pussy moves. King Kong Bundy lost to a powerslam once. COLIN DELANEY wouldn’t even lose to a powerslam, and he has Aids! Seriously, the big guys are just fat old fucking pussies.

Matt Stryker runs in and gets the Go To Sleep for his troubles.

All told, this show was the drizzling fucking shits. Bar the first and last matches, everything was a squashy jobber match. And the last match was god-awful because Big Daddy V was in it. Lose-lose. You should all be glad you didn’t waste your time with it. You know what you could be watching instead?!?



Join me again next week (probably) for more of this, only next week I'll get some FUCKING SLEEP beforehand. I have learnt my lesson, and the learning curve was bitter.

I'll probably be sticking around for a couple of weeks until some of you guys get your thumbs out of your asses and hand in a recap worthy of putting on the main page. You think you have something worthwhile? Send it to bowman_person@hotmail.com, and you never know your luck.

I have been Anvil, and you have been lucky to have me.

Send Feedback to The Anvil's Swagbag 

The Anvil's Swagbag has eight girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.

By Anvil's SwagBag
Introductions are for pussies. 
Match 1:- Elijah Burke vs. Kane.
I'm already pissed off this week as my girlfriend came down to visit me last night, and JUST HAPPENED to be on her fucking period. And she aint the kinda chick that's gonna let you follow the dirt trail if the river's run red. So that pissed me off. Now I gotta watch one of the guys with the most potential on the roster get squashed by a broken down old man. You'd think that seens how they are doing that exact same gimmick with Ric Flair right now they'd give it a damn rest.
So, yeah, Burke dances around avoiding Kane, and takes a powder, but Kane ain't playing games tonight and goes out after him. Slowly. He throws him onto the apron and then back into the ring. Slowly. He then starts slamming him around. Slowly. Whats that a-calling Glen? Oh, it's only THE PASTURE.
Kane starts working some neck vices, which is a sure sign of age. I mean, shit, this is a five minute squash match! If you need a breather, you're pretty much goddamn useless. Elijah battles back, and has Kane in the position for the Elijah Express, but Kane catches him in the chokeslam and thats all she wrote.
Winner:- Kane. I'm telling you, guys, he aint got long left before George takes him to go see some purrrrdy rabbits. 
On the subject of my girlfriend's vaginal bleeding, why is it women are so horny when they are on their period, and yet when they ain't pissing amber, they don't want a cock near nor by? I think the only answer is that God is a cunt. 
Chavo is shitting himself backstage, because he just found out that Mark Henry, Khali, Kane and Big Daddy V are all in the Battle Royale at Mania. Hell, I'd be shitting it too if I knew I was gonna be stinking up the Grandest Stage Of Them All with one of four 400 pound sacks of shit. I'd be crapping it even more knowing that I'd be putting my health in the hands of one of them. Seriously, not one of these guys passed sex education, because they were given an egg to father for a week. They ate the egg, and upon realising they were still hungry, went out looking for some fucking infants to snack on.
Colin Delaney gets a match with Chavo tonight, and if he wins, he gets an ECW contract. Better do it soon, Colin, because AIDS waits for no man. 
Match 2:- Kofi Kingston vs James Curtis
Oh, this is bullshit. ANOTHER squash. You guys don't even need me to tell you the results! I mean, I'll just tell you who is wrestling who, and you can put two and two together.
So, yeah, Kofi Kingston hits some of his cool looking shit and wins. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?
Winner:- Kofi Kingston.

Backstage, Jesse tells us that Festus gets extreme when the bell rings. That must be hell for town criers the world over.

Crier:-  (Ringing Crier bell) Hear ye, hear y......AAAARGGGGH! MY FUCKING EYE!!! WHY, DEAR GOD, WHY!!!
Match 3:- Morrison, Miz and Shelton vs Jesse, Festus and Punk.
Festus starts. By gum, that's eee-terrible. Morrison gets thrown around for a few minutes in a non-pretty manner, before Festus tags in Jesse, who beats up on Morrison some more. I don't like these two. They are pretty damn bland. I mean there isn't even a lot to call, if you actually want me to keep your interest. Anyway, Miz and Morrison charge Jesse, but he low bridges the top rope and they land on their asses outside. CM Punk then hits a sweet suicida dive onto them. Then Festus grabs hold of Shelton's arm and just CHUCKS him on top of everyone. Okay, that was pretty damn sweet, but it was all about Shelton.
Punk and Jesse keep the tags frequent, beating up on The Mizm, whilst Festus stands on the apron looking non-too-retarded. Anybody would think he was just a bad actor. Shelton grabs CM Punk's hair and drags him down, and then gets tagged in. Now HERE WE GO, this is the sorta stuff I wanna see! Shelton and Punk work some stuff, until Punk is thrown into the ropes and hit with a bad-ass exploder suplex. It all looks so fluid! It's awesome. Morrion comes back in with a legdrop for a near fall. He hits a sweet backbreaker, but Punk reverses the neckbreaker, hits an enziguri, and gets the hot tag to Festus. I say hot, I mean tepid.
I say tepid, I mean cold, stale, and about as unwelcome as Michael Barrymore at a pool party. ZING. American's, look it up. Needless to say, I just made a cultural reference that would have been fresh six years ago. AND I PULLED IT OFF BECAUSE I AM THAT DAMN COOl.
Alright, fine, I'm really fucking lazy. Sheesh.
Festus beats up The Miz. Morrison and Shelton come in and there is a brawl yadda yadda, Festus hits a FLAPJACK, a FLAPJACK for the win. There were elements of a good ass match in there, they just all kinda slotted around the big retarded guy.
Winner:- Festus and co. 

Look, should I have just fucked her anyway? I mean, it would have been slidy, so foreplay wouldn't have been necessary, and I'm SURE we'd eventually be able to get the Tampon back out, if we routed round for long enough... 
Eddie Graham will be going into the Hall of Fame this year. Can't really joke about that shit. It's well deserved, and may he rest in peace. 
Main Event:- Colin Delaney vs Chavo Guerrero, if Colin wins, he gets a contract. 
Colin walks to the ring. Fuck that guy is weedy. Seriously, if the wind picks up in the arena, he may never make it to the fucking ring. They do a quick interview with him, and he says that he's really beaten up right now, but if he can get a WWE contract, it'll all be worth it. COLIN IS AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL. And as long as he doesn't bleed on Taker, he'll be fine. 
JR:- His face is a crimson mask! Shit, RUN!

Chavo is being really cocky here, like he has it in the bag. Colin looks like he just found out adreniline is brown. They lock up, and Chavo just slaps him down. He's just slapping him around, and hits a nice uppercut before COLIN HITS A HIPTOSS AND A DROPKICK. Sweet Jesus, the guy knows at least two moves already! It's like Mikey Whipwreck on fast forward. Chavo bails, looking like Maven just eliminated him from a rumble, and tells Colin he was just playing with him. Heh, Chavo is cool.
Chavo comes back in to beat up on the kid some more, but Colin locks in an ABDOMINAL STRETCH. Looks weak as shit, because I think Colin would have problems pulling a door open, so Chavo gets back up and hits the Three Amigo's.
He tries to get froggy but Colin avoids that shit and gets a near fall, only to be caught in the Gory Bomb. Shelton's Momma's hitting them high notes now because I'm raping her. Or because it's all over. One of the two. 
Winner:- Chavo. 
Stored In The Swagbag:- Erm... Eddie Graham. A dead man was the star of the show this week. WOO FUCKING HOO. I do like Colin though.
Condemned to the Dungeon:- Squash after squash. Fuck it. I'm not gonna play-by-play the inevitable.  
I have been Anvil. I have also been extremely lazy. And you've STILL been lucky to have me.

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The Anvil's Swagbag has eight girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.

By Catherine Perez
It's the ECW on SCI-FI RANT, brought to you this week by me, Catherine Perez. Where's Anvil? His computer looks to have royally crapped out on him. I know this because he sent me the same message numerous times, begging me to take over the Rant for this week. So here I am, tuning in a bit late, but I'll do my best to help you all enjoy ECW just a little more.

Joey Styles welcomes us to the show. Thanks, Joey, it's not great to be here. The first match is being put over as perhaps the biggest tag team match we've ever seen. Holy shit, I wonder who---


Holy fuck. ANVIL, YOU FIEND! God, I hate trying to keep up with these clusterfucks. Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly enter first, complete with the sweet chirps of crickets! Remember when I said I'd help you enjoy this show better? Forget I said that. Kofi Kingston and Kane make their way out next. Before long, 24 wrestlers are all up on the ring, whispering sweet nothings into its ear. What? Rhodes and Brian Kendrick start off. Very soon, Jamie Noble gets the tag from Rhodes and beats on Kendrick. By the way, good luck to all those other wrestling news websites who are struggling to recap this. Palumbo tags in and works on Noble. Saaay, if I didn't know better, I'd say these guys were feuding on Smackdown! How CUH-RAY-ZEE of them to now be battling on a whole different network! Palumbo tries an elbow drop, but Noble moves out of the way and tags Jimmy Wang Yang in. Palumbo takes Yang down and goes after Noble in the corner. Palumbo eats a boot and a dropkick, then spills over to the outside. Yang delivers a Plancha on Palumbo, and Shannon Moore goes for a summersault Plancha on him. Trevor Murdoch decides to get some of the action and dives onto all of them. Now if he'd please allow them some breathing room... Oh, thank God - here's a commercial break!

Unfortunately, we're back, and Snitsky and Dreamer are in the ring. Before long, everyone's in the ring and it all turns into the clusterfuck this match was fated to be. Holly hits an Alabama Slam on Elijah Burke, Mike Mizanin beats on Holly, Festus hits a Lou Thesz Press on Mizanin, Khali takes Festus out, Kane takes Khali out, Matt Striker eats a Chokeslam, Snitsky reenters and clotheslines Kane... dear God, guys, slow the hell down! Where's Tivo when you need it? Dreamer reenters the ring and into the loving arms of Mark Henry. Awwwww. Snitsky gets the big boot on Dreamer and scores the pinfall.

WINNERS: Super Giant Heel Team Hyper Force, Go~!

After the match, everyone is staring everyone down. Styles and Tazz hype a "special" battle royal preview taking place Sunday at 6:30 eastern on WWE.com. Enjoy some commercials!

Backstage, Dreamer and Colin Delaney, who reminds me of Chuckie from the Rugrats somehow, are approached by Chavo Guerrero. Dreamer demands a match with Chavo, TONIGHT~! Chavo would prefer a nontitle bout. Fortunately for him, Dreamer doesn't give a rat's ass, since he'd just want to beat a champion. Dreamer goes on to put Delaney over, saying he's got more guts than Chavo. Looks like that got Chavo all riled up, because the match is on! Oh, thank the Lord; I've always wanted to recap a momentous match such as this (hey, I've gotta sharpen up on my sarcasm somewhere).


Is it safe to say the brand extension's over? Looks like Shelton's got new music - and I'll never give you five dollars if you genuinely care. Carlito and Shelton look up at the MITB briefcase and share a few words before Carlito lands the first punch. I'm not sure if this is the norm here, but the crowd is pretty much dead. Carlito attempts to throw Shelton out of the ring, but Sisqo manages to hold on to the top rope and skin the cat back into the ring. Unfortunately, Shelton goes out of the ring anyway. Tazz lets us know that he's split his leg once... on the apron? Ouch. Here's an extreme rest hold! Athletes need a rest during a short match? The hold continues. Shelton elbows his way out, but Carlito gets him back to the mat for a pin attempt. As Carlito has Shelton cornered, you can hear that someone is way too fucking enthusiastic for this EXCITING bout. Oh, look, another headlock. A small SHELTON~! chant starts, and Shelton delivers an Electric Chair on Carlito. A 10-count starts, and by 6 Shelton goes for the pin. No cigar, kiddies! Someone in the front row is leaving his seat like he just can't take it anymore. I feel ya, buddy. Carlito delivers a neckbreaker and goes for the pin. No cigar for you either! Here's another fucking rest hold. Did I just see the Undertaker take a seat in the crowd with a soda and nachos? No, that's just some asshole with a big hat. Shelton catches Carlito in a T-Bone suplex and goes for the pin, but Carlito manages to kick out. Shelton tries out some fancy RVD-style roundhouse kick, but Carlito dodges. Shelton eats a nice-looking neckbreaker but kicks out of another pin. Am I getting far too into detail for this match? Carlito climbs the top turnbuckle, but Shelton hops right up and drives Carlito's head into the mat with some kind of reverse flying bulldog something. Yeah, I know my moves pretty well. 1, 2, 3, and this one's over!

WINNER: Shelton Benjamin

Here's a video package showing our Wrestlemania main event competitors, Triple H and John Cena, going on about being injured and making comebacks, just to compete at Wrestlemania. Randy Orton is also spotlighted, complete with painfully slow talking. "I'm taking back what's mine, this title's mine. Mine, mine, mine." Is anyone else annoyed by Cena's "empassioned speech" voice? Oh, thank God; COMMERCIAL TIME!

We're back, and Tazz and Joey go over Wrestlemania's card and the Hall of Fame Ceremony special. Looks like they're about to reveal the next inductee and it's... GORDON SOLIE~! Yeah, I know you already knew. We get some black and white footage of Solie introducing himself, with my little sister commenting, "Damn, what year was that - 3?" Heh, kids; it is truly they who cherish the memories of pro-wrestling's finest. Why is WWE marketing towards them again?

HEY, IT'S STEVIE RICHARDS~! Looks like he's teaming up with Kelly Kelly after the commercial break. Seriously? Dear God.

Oh, look. It's time to glorify Triple H some more. TRIPLE H: KING OF KINGS: THERE IS ONLY ONE: HOLY SHIT WHAT A LONG TITLE, now being sold at a DVD retailer near you.


What the hell happened to Knox? He looks incredibly puffed out. Styles lets us know that Knox has been attacking Stevie for a while now. Thanks for the tidbit, Joey. Kelly and Layla start the match off, and I think I just died a little inside. Tons of slapping and shoving, and Kelly goes for the first pin attempt. Have I ever mentioned just how much I hate WWE Divas? Just laying it out in the open there. Knox tries to enter the ring, but Stevie cuts him off. Knox ends up tripping Kelly from the outside. Layla pulls some hair, straddles Kelly, blah blah blah. Knox and Richards are, thankfully, tagged in. Before I can spell-check those last two sentences, Richards is pinned for the win. What the fuck?

WINNERS: Mike Knox and Layla.

Here's that Floyd Mayweather package from Monday night! I'll pretend these are commercials and let my fingers take a break.

After the break, several wrestlers surround the ring. Oooh, it's getting hot up in hurr~!


Guerrero quickly sends Dreamer to the outside, where many wrestlers proceed to beat up on him. Tazz then comments, "This is almost like a lumberjack match~!" ISN'T IT, THOUGH? Chavo's hung from the tree of woe and eats a dropkick. Some back and forth action... Dreamer climbs up to the top turnbuckle, but Chavo quickly gets to his feet and shoves Dreamer back onto the canvas. A quick Frogsplash and a pin gets Chavo the win! Holy shit, it's like I'm the next Dr. Seuss.

WINNER: Chavo Guerrero

Post-match, everyone steps into the ring and beats on Chavo as the show goes off the air. And... yeah, that's it.

Secretly placed into Anvil's Swagbag without his consent: Stevie Richards. He's the only guy I was genuinely excited to see.

Secretly sent to Anvil's Room with a frilly pink thong on: The main event. I mean... what the fuck? Did they suddenly have to cut the match's time by half because they gave nearly 10 minutes to a 12-on-12 mess? Good to know this show is still upholding the quality of the original ECW, but who's complaining about that anymore? It's like WWE secretly poisoned every wrestling fan with a knowledge of the old ECW's awesomeness. Whoa, suddenly I've got a high fever. And the shits.


Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).