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ECW: The Next Generation
By GERSHON LEVY
(February 2007 Archives.)
 

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February 06, 2007
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(02/06/07)
 
Welcome to the “better late than never” edition of the ECW recap (you’ll probably wish it stayed at never) which was delayed a couple of days so yours truly could attend to some family business.  Of course my family business is way more important and interesting than the McMahon family business these days.  Since I will be working half-assed tonight, Sean will be providing the other cheek with some random drunken ramblings in a feature I like to call “Sean’s Random Drunken Ramblings”.

The bawdies hit the flow and we’re in an arena somewhere in the United States!  Vince comes to the ring where the Originals are gathered.  Originals of course is another word for “soon to be wished the best of luck with their future endeavors”.  Vince says they are all “never has beens” and finally he reveals what the hell was meant when they say “the new breed will be unleashed”.  It refers to guys who were never in ECW but are being “repackaged”.  He says that some of the Originals will be in action tonight but if any of them interfere they’ll be fired.  I would expect they’ll all be interfering at some point.

Kevin Thorn and Areola (™ Sean) make their way to the ring.  Apparently the reason she is so good at hanging on the ropes is she owns a stripper pole.  I’d ask her to suck me, but teeth and blow jobs do not mix.   Tommy Dreamer comes out next and just as the match is about to start, Matt Striker’s music hits and he comes out to be the guest referee.

Sean’s Random Drunken Rambling: I think I know the real reason why Striker lost his job as a Social Studies teacher. The faculty kinda frowns on you not wearing pants with your argyle sweater vest.

Kevin Thorn w/Ariel vs. Tommy Dreamer (My Dreams Suck Match)

Thorn dominates early on but as he wears down Dreamer with a chin lock, he ends up on the receiving end of a jawbreaker counter.  After a few punches Dreamer then hits a sit down powerbomb but Striker doesn’t count as he fakes an injury.  Thorn then clobbers Tommy with a Clothesline from Transylvania and gets the easy pin.

Winner: Kevin Thorn

Hardcore Holly is backstage and he says he will prove tonight against Lashley why he should be the ECW Champion.  The reason is because he’s been in WWE much longer than he has.  OK he didn’t really say that but that was what the writers were thinking.

ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Hardcore Holly (If Experience Gets You Awards I should Be Nominated For A Fucking Oscar)

Boy, nothing like having a title match inLashley has early control and hits a delayed suplex after a couple of clotheslines.  Holly avoids a powerslam and ends up dropping Lashley throat first on the top rope and then rams his shoulder into the steel post.  He continues to wear down the champion with a couple of submission moves on different parts of his body.  Lashley is able to get back to his feet and hits a belly to belly suplex followed by a back body drop where Holly had more air than Paris Hilton’s head.  He then lifts Holly into a military press then turns it into a powerslam to get the pin.

Winner: Bobby Lashley

Out of nowhere, a bald and clean shaven Snitsky shows up (he looks almost exactly like Kane) and beats the crap out of Lashley.  Holly then hits an Alabama Slam.
 
Sean’s RDR:  Holy shit! I thought Anakin Skywalker couldn't survive without the suit! Oh it's Snitsky. Wow. Clean shaven bald Snitsky is the most terrifying thing ever. He looks like a 300 pound baby now. I guess that means he's gonna get the sudden urge to commit suicide...

Balls Mahoney vs. Marcus Cor Von (Pounce On My Balls Match)

Striker is now our guest timekeeper and Mahoney is still hurt from the THUMB OF TERROR he got hit with the night before on Raw.  Balls does some Teabagging but Cor Von hits a neckbreaker followed by The Football Block (it can’t be what it was called before because he’s never wrestled in any other organization, he just played football).  He then hits his finisher submission which I am going to call the Alpha Malebox.

Winner: Marcus Cor Von

We get the unfortunate Extreme Expose which is interrupted by Matt Striker who is now a guest ring announcer.  Way to save money on the payroll!  Marcus Cor Von is the guest commentator which means nothing to the live crowd since they can’t hear him and Kevin Thorn is the guest timekeeper.  Considering we’ve already seen them tonight, you can hardly call them “special guests”.

Elijah Burke vs Rob Van Dam (Cornrows vs. Rows of Something Completely Different)

Match started with a commercial and when we return, RVD hits a top rope leg drop.  He tries to maintain advantage but ends up on the apron after being flipped over the top.  Burke knocks him off and he hits the security barrier on the outside.  Back inside, RVD gets control back and hits a monkey flip in the corner.  He then goes for the Five Star but the bell rings while he is in the air.  Striker begins announcing RVD as the winner but then is talking to the ref.  Burke hits a low blow and gets the cover.

Winner: Elijah Burke

Sean’s RDR: Where does one go to get Educated Feet, anyway? I know my feet always had a thirst for knowledge. But unfortunately my parents couldn't afford the tuition. They just had enough to enroll my sister's hands in University. Oh well.

The ECW New Breed (or as I like to call them, the Repeats) all hit the ring and attack RVD.  The Originals hit the ring, Sandman hits two shots with the cane and Sabu hits Cor Von with a chair.  The Originals all stand in the ring as we go off the air.

Extreme Moment:  I’m really grasping at straws here for something decent so I’ll go with the Originals being on top at the end of the show.

Not So Extreme Moment:  Hardcore Holly being anywhere near the title picture.

Thanks to Sean for adding some snippets of funny to my column this week and as always check out the rest of the site for some good laughs including the new Fan Laws which are written by YOU!  Now if only WWE gave the fans that kind of participating opportunity.  Now hit my music!

 
SEND FEEDBACK TO THE GERSH
 
(02/13/07)
 
What???  You mean this show isn’t cancelled yet?  You know I think Jerry Lawler was on to something (besides women ¼ his age) when he said ECW stands for Extremely Crappy Wrestling.
 
We start off with a recap of last week’s match between Holly and Lashley and what do you know, we get it again this week!  The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from Seattle, Washington.  This of course is the home of overpriced burnt coffee, virus inducing computer platforms, and a needle so big that Test wishes he hadn’t been suspended so he could take a shot from it.  Lashley and Holly come out first for our opening match.
 
ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Hardcore Holly (EXTREEEEEEEEEME RULES Which Is Another Term For A Normal ECW Match)
 
Lashley dominates early on and takes it to the outside.  Lashley gets a table but Holly is able to take over control of the match.  In a weird move, Holly puts the table back under the ring.  Back inside, Lashley gets back on the offensive and goes for the powerslam but Holly counters it.  He then pulls the champion so his legs split and he takes some steel in his cash and prizes.  We then go to commercial.
 
We are back (this isn’t the Super Bowl, the commercials aren’t important) and during the break Holly dropped Lashley throat first on the back of a chair.  He then puts on an Orton Lock although that could honestly be referring to about two dozen different rest holds.  Lashley tries to break out but Holly is able to keep control.  He sets up a chair in the corner and goes to throw him into it but it’s reversed and Holly eats the chair instead (it’s chock full of iron!).  Lashley hits a suplex and a series of clotheslines.  He then hits the delayed suplex followed by a torture rack where he dropped to his knees.  He gets a very close 2 count and then goes back for the table from earlier but Holly hits a baseball slide on the outside.  Back inside, Holly goes for the Alabama Slam on the chair in the ring but it’s reversed into a sunset flip followed by a powerslam on the chair and the pin.
 
Winner: Bobby Lashley
 
We get a little promo package for Snitsky which isn’t much since he only has had about 30 seconds of screen time since coming back.  We then go to Extreme Expose.  I’d rather recap a scene from a porno movie, at least there’s a little more variety there.  Thankfully it gets cut off by Kevin Thorn and his much hotter woman.  He is followed by Marcus Cor Von.  Their opponents are Sandman and Tommy Dreamer who both enter through the crowd drinking beers except Tommy doesn’t hit his head with the can hard enough to bleed.  Hmm, looks like the Innovator of Wussiness there.
 
Tommy Dreamer and Sandman vs. Kevin Thorn w/Ariel and Marcus Cor Von (ECW Originals vs. Smackdown and TNA Originals)
 
Early on Cor Von hits a Generic Body Block on Dreamer which knocks him out of the ring.  Back inside Dreamer is able to hit a neckbreaker but Cor Von tags in Thorn.  Sandman then tags in and takes out both opponents with punches.  He tries for the Heinken-rana on Thorn and then hits the White Russian Leg Sweep on Cor Von.  Thorn then hits Sandman with his walking stick when the ref isn’t looking.  The ref still isn’t looking because he counts to three even though Sandman’s shoulder was up the whole time (which Tazz noticed).
 
Winners: Marcus Cor Von and Kevin Thorn
 
Commercial Comment: The Marine is the #1 DVD in America.  I believe there was some small print at the bottom of the screen that said “#1 of all WWE feature films”.
 
Teddy Long finds Bobby Lashley in the locker room and congratulates him for his win and invites him to Smackdown.  Well I don’t know how he’s gonna do that now since they already taped the show!  CM Punk makes his entrance and his opponent is Mike Knox.  He’s back and well, no one cares.
 
CM Punk vs. Mike Knox (Battle of Who Gives Less of a Shit About Kelly Squared)
 
Knox has the early control and locks in an abdominal stretch which Punk breaks but Knox flattens him with a drop kick.  Punk comes back though and hits a high knee in the corner followed by a bulldog.  He goes to the top rope but misses a clothesline.  Knox tries to take advantage but Punk hits a Urinagi followed by the Anaconda Vice for the tap out win.
 
Winner: CM Punk
 
Snitsky hits the ring and decimates Punk with a clothesline and boot to the face.  It looks like all that backne went to his face.
 
After a commercial, we get a FASCINATING bio of Lashley where he mentions smelling his shirt that he worked out in before he goes out to the ring.  Geez, that’d be like if I smelled whatever I jerk off into to prep myself for sex with another person.  Out next is the Cannibus Club followed by a commercial where and then Elijah Burke and Matt Striker come down for our main event.  We’re in action when we come back.
 
Rob Van Dam and Sabu vs. Matt Striker and Elijah Burke (High Times vs. High School In Da Ghetto)
 
Sabu plants Striker with a DDT followed by a somersault leg drop.  He tags in RVD who gets a big chant and Burke tags in as well.  Van Dam hits a roundhouse kick and monkey flip and then confuses the crowd when he does the point to himself as some say “RVD” and some say “Rob Van Dam”.  Sabu tags in and so does Striker who gets nailed by Burke with a clothesline on the apron.  Striker and Burke tag each other repeatedly and keep Sabu down.  Sabu finally is able to break free and tag in RVD who hits a rolling monkey flip then clotheslines Striker over the top.  He hits Burke with a windmill kick and tries a tandem move with his partner but Sabu is pulled off the apron.  RVD hits a suicide dive over the top to take out Striker and then Sabu goes in and tries to hit a moonsault move but Burke’s foot knocks him off the ropes and he uses the ropes to get a pin in a rather sloppy ending.
 
Winners: Matt Striker and Elijah Burke
 
Extreme Moment: I can’t believe I am saying this, but the Lashley-Holly match was surprisingly decent.
 
Not So Extreme Moment: Sabu does more phoning in then the largest supporters of the Jerry Lewis telethon, it really makes his matches boring.
 
So uhh yeah, that’s it.  I’d throw in a witty comment here, but considering I’ve worked 21 hours the last two days, my mind is about as empty as Kelly’s.  Now hit my music!

 
(02/20/07)
 
Donde esta beetches?  Before you question me speaking Spanish, that was a line Ben Stiller said in "Anchorman", and he's a fellow Jew so it's all good in the hood, or as we say settled in the shtetl.
 
We start off with a mention of Mike Awesome having died over the weekend.  You know, if he had ended up joining the new ECW that would have surely been career suicide.  I guess he took the easy way out.  The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from San Diego, home of former ECW superstar Rey Mysterio who I know appears on this week’s Smackdown to no doubt move the continuation of dragging Eddie’s corpse through the ground for almost a year and a half!  The New Breed make their entrance with their own theme song.  Elijah Burke gets on the microphone first and says they beat the Originals last week.  Striker (wearing the kind of outfit that makes you wonder why he really asked your son to stay late after school) says one of the Breed will take out one of the Originals tonight and they pick Kevin Thorn.  The generic ECW music hits and the Originals enter with RVD being their choice.
 
Kevin Thorn w/ Ariel and New Breed vs. Rob Van Dam w/ Originals (Perfect Choices for DX, One Likes to Suck It Through the Neck and the Other Through a Joint)
 
For some reason I don’t remember seeing Thorn wear tights before and well apparently it’s the latest in Transylvanian fashion.  Back and forth offense and eventually Thorn finds his way on the outside and RVD dives over the top.  He looks down all the New Breed and as he goes back in the ring, Burke attacks which causes what would be referred to by Sandman as a Brew-ha-ha as we go to a commercial.
 
Fast forward two minutes and we’re back!  The ref removed all of the non participating wrestlers from ringside and both men are back inside the ring.  RVD grabs control with a kick to the face followed by Rolling Thunder.  He then hits a kick from the top rope followed by a cross body from the top but only gets two.  Thorn then hits a Samoan Drop (he must be good friends with Umaga) and goes for a crucifix powerbomb but RVD rolls it into the pin attempt for two.  Back on his feet he hits the Five Star from ¾ across the ring and gets the pin.
 
Winner: Rob Van Dam
 
CM Punk makes his entrance followed by Johnny Nitro in an attempt to bastardize the brand extension even further.  We even have EXTREME PAPARAZZI!!!!  Oh and this is to qualify for the Money in the Bank Ladder Match at Wrestlemania.
 
CM Punk vs. Johnny Nitro w/ Melina (MITB Qualifier, Better Win or You’re Not on the Show Because We Can’t Find Anything Else to Do With You)
 
I keep wondering if CM Punk gets any kind of residuals from Pepsi since he has their logo on his arm.  That's pretty cool since they own Taco Bell and free chalupas are a pretty good deal as long as you don’t mind the E. Coli.  Oh wait there’s a match here.  By the time I started paying attention Nitro has control and Melina keeps screaming reminding me to use duct tape around her mouth if I ever get the opportunity to have sex with her (I’ll pass on the blow job).  Punk is able to take over with a series of shoulder blocks and kicks.  He then hits a high knee in the corner followed by a double armed suplex into a backbreaker.  Melina grabs one of Punk’s boots which distracts him and Nitro takes advantage with a kick and close pin attempt.  He then goes for a corkscrew moonsault but misses.  Punk picks Nitro up on his shoulders then drops his face right on his knee and gets the pin.
 
Winner:  CM Punk
 
Rebecca interviews Mr. Kennedy and he thinks he is in Bizarro World because he already beat Lashley and now he has to face him again plus Hardcore Holly.  Holly then shows up and well who cares what he says, he has a girl’s name for a last name!  I heard actually that he needs surgery so thankfully we won’t see ECW Champion Hardcore Holly anytime soon but unfortunately that likely means we’ll keep seeing ECW Champion Bobby Lashley.  That makes me so depressed I have halitosis.  Yeah that makes no sense but neither did when that bastard said it at No Way Out.
 
After a recap of That Pay Per View That Many Forgot Was On Last Sunday, La Resistance makes their entrance?  Of all old gimmicks to bring back, this is the one they go with?  They’re going to be facing two guys who appear to have some kind of Lucha Libre background with a very clever name, Los Luchas.
 
La Resistance vs. Los Luchas (Croissan-wiches vs. Gorditas)
 
La Resistance throws one guy over the top and then hit their version of a 3D (which I will call the French Press or Baisse De la Mort De Dudley) and get the pin.
 
Winners: La Resistance
 
As if this segment could be even more ridiculous, Snitsky adds to his path of destruction by taking out the two jobbers.  Way to go Gene, you go after the ECW champion and then the most over guy to make a statement and then you go after two jobbers who have never even been on TV before?
 
After a commercial, we get the Extreme Expose which I’m starting to think is just an excuse to push whatever song is playing.  I’m willing to bet people hear it and then not buy the album because they don’t want to be reminded of this.  It’s why I don’t have “Walk Idiot Walk” or “Be Yourself” on my I-pod.  Surprisingly they actually finish their segment and then Joey Styles announces the next Hall of Fame inductee, umm which was revealed last night you idiot!  To be serious for a sec, Mr. Perfect is a very deserving pick as he was one of the best heels ever, up there with Ted Dibiase.  I posted this thing I read once on the TWF Forums but I can’t rob you of a good laugh.  I read that someone once caught one of his towels at a live event and it said “Holiday Inn” on it.
 
Hardcore Holly makes his entrance followed by Mr. Kennedy and I have to laugh because instead of the long “MISTERRRRRRRRRRRR” for his theme music, he just grumbles “keNnEDy!”  He may have changed this months ago but you can’t expect me to actually watch Smackdown can you?  Lashley’s music hits and they focus on one small section of the crowd who no doubt were told by the cameraman to cheer very actively at the right moment.
 
ECW Champion BOBBYYYYYYYYYYYY Lashley vs. MISTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Kennedy vs. HARDCOOOOOOOOOOOOORE Holly (Triple Threat Title Match For Guys Whose Last Names All End in Y)
 
I was totally not paying attention to the opening of the match but by the time I started watching, Lashley hit a belly to belly suplex on Holly.  Kennedy pulls Lashley to the outside but the champion is able to reverse an Irish whip to the hollow stairs.  Holly goes outside and attacks Lashley then throws him back inside.  Kennedy breaks up any kind of momentum and Lashley takes advantage with a couple of press slams and then hits a delayed suplex on both.  Kennedy gets tossed from the ring and Lashley misses a shoulder block.  Holly gets a chair and kicks it into Lashley’s face.  Umm, I guess this is an EXTREEEEEEEEEEEME Rules match?  Holly then hits an Alabama Slam but Kennedy pulls the ref out of the ring.  Kennedy then grabs the chair and tries to hit Lashley but he ducks and Holly gets it instead.  Lashley hits a powerslam on Kennedy and gets the pin.
 
Winner: Bobby Lashley
 
Extreme Moment:  While the RVD-Thorn match was good, I gotta give it to CM Punk winning a spot in the MITB match.  I thought for sure Nitro would win that one, good booking for a change.
 
Not So Extreme Moment: Le retour de La Résistance? Pourquoi?
 
Let’s see here.  Sean did No Way Out, Cameron did Raw, Anvil did Smackdown, Bullfrog did TNA Impact and I did a doody!  Well more like Vince did one and he broadcasts it every Tuesday night.  Now hit my music!

 
(02/27/07)
 
So it’s just one week since we were mourning the passing of Mike Awesome and this week we are cheering.  In case you haven’t heard, WWE gave Test his best of luck in his future endeavors notice which is their way of saying either “you fucked up, see ya” or “we can’t find anything for you to do”.  I think it was more that he is fucked up and he couldn’t do anything interesting.  Let’s just hope his current real life love interest Kelly Squared is soon to follow.
 
A recap of the Battle of the Billionaires so far with Vince picking Umaga and Trump picking Bobby Lindsey, err Lashley.  The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from San Jose, California and above the ring is a steel cage which will feature Lashley defending the title against “14 year veteran” Hardcore Holly.  I guess they use that moniker since that’s his only claim to fame though it seems more like it should be “How the fuck did he stay employed so long” Holly.  Oh and this feud is trying to go longer than Hardy-Helms.  Mr. Kennedy makes his entrance followed by Sabu for a Money in the Bank Qualifier.
 
Misterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Kennedy vs. Sabuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (I’d Like to See Sabu Do That on the Microphone)
 
Bodyslam by Kennedy but then a missed elbow drop.  Sabu goes for a springboard which Kennedy counters into a suplex in midair.  Sabu regains control and hits a springboard elbow and after Kennedy goes to the floor, Sabu dives over the top.  He grabs a chair and a table and puts Kennedy on top.  He sets up the chair in the ring but Kennedy moves out of the way so Sabu jumps on top of him past the table.  Back inside, Sabu goes off the ropes but takes a drop toe hold face first on the chair.  Kennedy then brings the table in the ring and takes too long so he gets hit with a guillotine leg drop.  Sabu sets up the table with only one side up and goes to the top but misses the leg drop and breaks it.  Kennedy then hits what I will call the Kenne-DDT and gets the pin.
 
Winner: Ken Kennedy
 
A limo is pulling up and my ride’s here so I gotta go.  Oh wait it’s just Vince.
 
After a commercial, Balls Mahoney makes his entrance clean shaven and he’ll be facing Matt Striker.
 
Balls Mahoney vs. Matt Striker
 
Balls hits some Teabagging early on then hits a leg drop from the top before Snitsky runs in and nails Balls with a clothesline.
 
Winner by DQ: Balls Mahoney
 
Snitsky hits Striker with a boot to the face and well, I nor the fans really give a crap.  Vince is shown backstage where he mentions tonight’s main event.  He says he was surprised by Trump’s pick of Lashley but then says he has to defeat Holly in 5 minutes or less or he loses the title.  Well the plus is the match won’t be too long but the minus is we still have to watch Lashley-Holly AGAIN.
 
After a commercial the New Breed are in the ring and are joined by the Originals for the next match.
 
Rob Van Dam and Tommy Dreamer w/ Sandman vs. Kevin Thorn and Marcus Cor Von w/ Ariel and Elijah Burke (Another Variation of the Same Match)
 
Thorn and Cor Von take the early advantage and Marcus tries to wear down Dreamer but he counters into a reverse DDT.  RVD tags in and hits a split legged moonsault but only gets a two count.  He then hits Rolling Thunder but Cor Von breaks up the pin.  Dreamer takes Cor Von to the outside while RVD hits a windmill kick.  He goes to the top as Ariel tries to hand Thorn the walking stick but Sandman smacks her in the ass with the cane.  During the distraction Burke knocks down Van Dam which sets him up for Thorn to hit the Dark Kiss and get the pin.
 
Winners: Kevin Thorn and Marcus Cor Von
 
CM Punk makes his entrance and he will be facing Stevie Richards.  Wow, who knew he still had a job?  Speaking of jobs…
 
CM Punk vs. Stevie Richards (Let’s See If This Ends Before I Finish This Sentence)
 
Stevie puts on a chinlock but Punk breaks out and hits a couple clotheslines followed by a high knee.  He then picks up Richards on his shoulders and hits the move he used last week where he drops the face of his opponent on his knee.  Best name I can come up for that is the Knee to the Head.  If you got a better idea, drop me a line.  Oh and Punk got the pin.
 
Winner: CM Punk
 
It’s now time for Extreme Expose and as my buddy JJ said “here comes the creativity”.
 
After a commercial we are ready for our main event.
 
ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Hardcore Holly (Bobbing for Boredom)
 
Lashley dominates early but Holly prevents receiving a shoulder block in the corner.  As Holly tries to escape, Lashley catches him when Umaga’s music hits and Vince is with him.  Both men fall off the top rope as Umaga causes a lot of chaos outside.  At the 2 minute warning, Holly clocks Lashley with a chair but he manages to kick out of the pin.  Lashley then hits several chair shots and a powerslam to get the win.
 
Winner: Bobby Lashley
 
Umaga stands outside staring in at Lashley and he goes off the ropes and shoulder blocks the cage wall which collapses right on top of Umaga with Lashley right on top of it.  Carnage is everywhere as we go off the air.
 
Extreme Moment: The last moment of the cage wall collapsing was actually really cool.  See Mark Henry, THAT is how you break open the cage!
 
Not So Extreme Moment: Gonna go with my fallback and give it to Kelly and the Extreme Expose this week.  Nothing else really pissed me off.
 
OK please disperse.  Nothing to see here.  Please ignore all the naked women and fireworks going on behind me.  Now hit my music!

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).