The bawdies hit the flow and we’re in an arena somewhere in the United States! Vince comes to the ring where the Originals are gathered. Originals of course is another word for “soon to be wished the best of luck with their future endeavors”. Vince says they are all “never has beens” and finally he reveals what the hell was meant when they say “the new breed will be unleashed”. It refers to guys who were never in ECW but are being “repackaged”. He says that some of the Originals will be in action tonight but if any of them interfere they’ll be fired. I would expect they’ll all be interfering at some point.
Kevin Thorn and Areola (™ Sean) make their way to the ring. Apparently the reason she is so good at hanging on the ropes is she owns a stripper pole. I’d ask her to suck me, but teeth and blow jobs do not mix. Tommy Dreamer comes out next and just as the match is about to start, Matt Striker’s music hits and he comes out to be the guest referee.
Sean’s Random Drunken Rambling: I think I know the real reason why Striker lost his job as a Social Studies teacher. The faculty kinda frowns on you not wearing pants with your argyle sweater vest.
Kevin Thorn w/Ariel vs. Tommy Dreamer (My Dreams Suck Match)
Thorn dominates early on but as he wears down Dreamer with a chin lock, he ends up on the receiving end of a jawbreaker counter. After a few punches Dreamer then hits a sit down powerbomb but Striker doesn’t count as he fakes an injury. Thorn then clobbers Tommy with a Clothesline from Transylvania and gets the easy pin.
Winner: Kevin Thorn
Hardcore Holly is backstage and he says he will prove tonight against Lashley why he should be the ECW Champion. The reason is because he’s been in WWE much longer than he has. OK he didn’t really say that but that was what the writers were thinking.
ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Hardcore Holly (If Experience Gets You Awards I should Be Nominated For A Fucking Oscar)
Boy, nothing like having a title match inLashley has early control and hits a delayed suplex after a couple of clotheslines. Holly avoids a powerslam and ends up dropping Lashley throat first on the top rope and then rams his shoulder into the steel post. He continues to wear down the champion with a couple of submission moves on different parts of his body. Lashley is able to get back to his feet and hits a belly to belly suplex followed by a back body drop where Holly had more air than Paris Hilton’s head. He then lifts Holly into a military press then turns it into a powerslam to get the pin.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
Out of nowhere, a bald and clean shaven Snitsky shows up (he looks almost exactly like Kane) and beats the crap out of Lashley. Holly then hits an Alabama Slam.
Sean’s RDR: Holy shit! I thought Anakin Skywalker couldn't survive without the suit! Oh it's Snitsky. Wow. Clean shaven bald Snitsky is the most terrifying thing ever. He looks like a 300 pound baby now. I guess that means he's gonna get the sudden urge to commit suicide...
Balls Mahoney vs. Marcus Cor Von (Pounce On My Balls Match)
Striker is now our guest timekeeper and Mahoney is still hurt from the THUMB OF TERROR he got hit with the night before on Raw. Balls does some Teabagging but Cor Von hits a neckbreaker followed by The Football Block (it can’t be what it was called before because he’s never wrestled in any other organization, he just played football). He then hits his finisher submission which I am going to call the Alpha Malebox.
Winner: Marcus Cor Von
We get the unfortunate Extreme Expose which is interrupted by Matt Striker who is now a guest ring announcer. Way to save money on the payroll! Marcus Cor Von is the guest commentator which means nothing to the live crowd since they can’t hear him and Kevin Thorn is the guest timekeeper. Considering we’ve already seen them tonight, you can hardly call them “special guests”.
Elijah Burke vs Rob Van Dam (Cornrows vs. Rows of Something Completely Different)
Match started with a commercial and when we return, RVD hits a top rope leg drop. He tries to maintain advantage but ends up on the apron after being flipped over the top. Burke knocks him off and he hits the security barrier on the outside. Back inside, RVD gets control back and hits a monkey flip in the corner. He then goes for the Five Star but the bell rings while he is in the air. Striker begins announcing RVD as the winner but then is talking to the ref. Burke hits a low blow and gets the cover.
Winner: Elijah Burke
Sean’s RDR: Where does one go to get Educated Feet, anyway? I know my feet always had a thirst for knowledge. But unfortunately my parents couldn't afford the tuition. They just had enough to enroll my sister's hands in University. Oh well.
The ECW New Breed (or as I like to call them, the Repeats) all hit the ring and attack RVD. The Originals hit the ring, Sandman hits two shots with the cane and Sabu hits Cor Von with a chair. The Originals all stand in the ring as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment: I’m really grasping at straws here for something decent so I’ll go with the Originals being on top at the end of the show.
Not So Extreme Moment: Hardcore Holly being anywhere near the title picture.
Thanks to Sean for adding some snippets of funny to my column this week and as always check out the rest of the site for some good laughs including the new Fan Laws which are written by YOU! Now if only WWE gave the fans that kind of participating opportunity. Now hit my music!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).