ECW: The Next Generation
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December 02, 2008
December 09, 2008
December 16, 2008
December 23, 2008
December 30, 2008
Why hello there. Don’t mind me, just putting my pants on. You can look,
if you like. I trust that everyone had a good thanksgiving
this past week. If not, that means you suck.
Or you’re Canadian. Either way, I don’t care about you. Moving on, this past week was rather newsworthy.
First of all, how about Black Friday? How about it indeed: Wal-Mart:
Savings you’ll KILL for! Always.
Shit like this is why I imposed a self-ban on going into any Wal-Mart years ago. Now, WRESTLING! Specifically Raw last night. Hi, I’m Dolph Ziggler! And I’m…kind of good, actually.
Don’t tell me you weren’t at least a little surprised from his match with Teest. Of course, Dolph counting the arena lights was a foregone conclusion, but did you really expect to get
that many moves in? Not to mention remotely looking like a threat? Though, him constantly screaming “I’M DOLPH ZIGGLER~!” during the match was making me
think he was some sort of malfunctioning terminator. Oh, and in case you didn’t
know, his gimmick is supposed to be that the greeting is supposed to trick people into looking at his gigantic cock. Lance Storm is not amused. If you want
to really get their attention, Dolph, it’s as simple as this: Dolph: You still hungry? Just looking out for you, man. Finally, what a #1 contender Chris Jericho is, eh? He’s spent
the past 2 weeks getting his ass kicked all over the country courtesy of John Cena.
If it weren’t for THREE other guys jumping in at the end of Raw last night, that streak would’ve continued. Boy, WWE, I sure want to pay $40 to see that match!
And on that note, let’s get into it! Still standing here in Washington! Easy to find out now, seeing how ECW is on a serious taping streak. Out first is Jack Swagger, who yes, I can admit, is trying his damndest to lose the fag lisp when he gets
to the talking. Speaking of, he grabs the mic, to declare his greatness and demand
to be named #1 contender to the ECW Title. Mack Militant gets playing, and out
comes Teddy Long and Generic Blonde Tiffany, who I’m surprised has not had hot sulfur rained down her throat as her
innards turned into snakes, after the blasphemy of Cyber Sunday. Good thing God
doesn’t watch WWE anymore. Swagger tries to make his case to Long, but
GBT interrupts, luckily not catching a pimp hand as a result. GBT suggests Ricky
Ortiz, who promptly gets his ass to the ring to state his case. He manages to
get a good zinger in making fun of Swagger’s lisp. See, SOMEONE reads this
crap! Long then makes a match between the two for the #1 contendership, STARTING
NOW! Jack Swagger and Ortiz go toe to toe for about
a minute, before Ricky manages to get the upper hand, sending Swagger scurrying from the ring as we go into break. Not even enough time for me to crack a shitty joke! Come on
guys, cut me some slack here. Back from break, and apparently Ortiz
has been dominating through the break, working the headlock. Keep in mind Ortiz
is the GOOD GUY here. I’m highly against good guys doing restholds, sorry. Swagger battles out, managing to land a flapjack to stun Ortiz, and works in the ab
stretch. Striker and Tard sell a little psychology, in that working the abs may
stop Ricky’s shit splash, and also saying how Ortiz may not lose too much momentum with a loss, comparing him to John
Cena. That’s called foreshadowing.
Ortiz lands the turnbuckle shoulder block, and when going for the Big O (Big O, BIG O!), Swagger rolls out of the ring,
with Ortiz tanking the splash. On the outside, Swagger mows Ortiz down with a
stiff as fuck looking clothesline, then finishes things off in the ring with the Doctor Bomb. Winner:
Jack Swagger What Stood Out: Simple – Ricky Ortiz finally loses. Let’s see
you swing that rally towel now, ya fucking pushbroom. TO THE BACK now, with Teddy and GBT commenting
on Swagger’s victory, when MVP interrupts. MVP makes nice nice with the
management, when Teddy starts cracking jokes at his losing his incentive bonuses. See,
MVP sucks, and loses a lot. Now he’s all of a sudden worthy of taking on
the ECW Champ! Way to make that belt prestigious, guys. On the bright side, MVP and Matt Hardy usually bring the goods, as ridiculous the premise is. Back from break (and one HORRIBLE commercial
for Behind Enemy Lines: COLOMBIA later), and we have Finlay and Hornswoggle hitting the ring.
Oh joy. Finlay stumbles like all hell through a promo, calling out Mark
Henry to have ANOTHER match. Yeah, I need that like testicular cancer. Henry out now, emitting a Lake Erie level of sweat, grabs a mic of his own, saying that he started this
bullshit with his multiple Irish Guerrero antics, which is a good point. Mick
needs to win fair and square once in a while, you know. Mizark proposes a tag
match between Team Irish and Team Blackness, which Finlay is reluctant to accept. After
some more taunting and some interpretive sign language from Hornswoggle, Finlay finally accepts, as Horny growls. And that’s how I found out Hornswoggle has a tongue piercing.
Well you know what they say – If a guy has a pierced tongue, he’ll probably suck your dick. So, have fun with your gay midget can’t speak even though he’s in his 20’s son there,
Finlay. Once again recycling like they did last
week, time for a repeat DX shilling promo! I imagine these are going to be a
little more depressing starting next week, with super-serious Shawn coming into play again…yeah right, continuity doesn’t
count with DX. You should know that by now. DJ Gabriel w/ Alicia Fox Vs. Random Pin Monkey #3 We get pretty much into Dance Dance Revolution: Alex Wright Remix back from break, with the match starting soon after. For the record, Alicia Fox is not that good a dancer. She’s
good at getting her ass to jiggle and that’s about it. Also, huge natural
cans don’t hurt. Pretty much everything you’ve seen
before. Hits, Giant Swing, more hits, slam, SHORYUKEN, victory. Winner:
DJ Gabriel What Stood Out: Not so much what stood out, but a random thought – wouldn’t it be cool if his dragon punch
lit his opponent on fire? Ken Masters wouldn’t lie to me. More shitty dance party after the bell,
but who cares. Let’s watch Alicia have a seizure? What do you mean, she’s actually dancing? Victoria was
clearly teaching her all the right moves when dancing her way to the ring. Also,
she has so much forehead that I think she got an extra chromosome. Can I criticize
her any more? You bet your ass, but we have a main event to get to! MVP Vs. Matt Hardy, Non-Title Match In a probably wise cost-cutting measure,
MVP’s entrance is now sans inflatable tunnel and pyro. Lame, lame, lame. Also, this crowd has been pretty on tonight, as they accordingly boo the hell out
of MVP and cheer Matt Hardy. Good for them. MVP and Hardy stay pretty even for the
first few minutes, until a quickie Side Effect scores a two count and sends P to the outside.
Hardy gives chase, kicks more ass, and sends him back in to land an elbow to the back of the head for another two. After a little more back and forth, Hardy goes for ANOTHER Side Effect (damn, get
a little variety would you man?), but this time MVP elbows out. This leads to
a Twist of Fate attempt, to which MVP slips out of and out of the ring, AGAIN, as we go to break. It’s like this match is stuck on repeat. Coming out of the last break, MVP manages
to stun-gun a charging Hardy into the turnbuckle, and landing the Drive-By Kick, sending Matt to the outside. This turns soon after into a headlock, which leads into some nice dueling chants. Sure, the MVP side consists of about 5 drunken assholes, but a duel is a duel, damn it! MVP keeps on the attack, though Hardy gets a few shots in here and there.
Into another headlock, Tard and Striker gets into Striker’s shitty history as a wrestler, because, you see, he
lost a lot too. YAY LOSERS! Hardy
finally battles back, and puts P down long enough to land a middle rope leg drop, for another two count. Now it’s MVP’s turn to battle back, but misses the big boot in the corner. Hardy tries to go for the clothesline/bulldog combo, but soon breaks down into a counter-fest of finishers. Hardy finally counters the Playmaker into ANOTHER Side Effect, and also the Twist
of Fate, to pick up the pin. Winner:
Matt Hardy What Stood Out: Fine little match. Not as long as some recent Main Events,
but quantity doesn’t always equal quality. Like I said, Hardy and MVP bring
the goods. Man, it’s like I predict the future or something… No overrun for you. Quit the bitching, Cha$e is on! THE END. Uppers: Actually, a good amount of good shit. Ricky
Ortiz losing brings a smile to my face, as does the knowledge that Hornswoggle is soon going to become the white center of
the Oreo made up of Mark Henry and Tony Atlas. What can I say, I’m vindictive. However, MVP and Matt Hardy continue to put on good matches with each other, so if
you’re going to watch only one part of the show, stick to the main event. Downers: For once, I’m really grasping at straws here. Another DX repeat kind of sucks, but not as much as last week, now that I pretty much know it’s happening
until Christmas is over with. DJ Gabriel, while not GOOD, is starting to grow
on me, in a somewhat perverse way. So, if he keeps it up, he might move his dancing
ass out of this hole. Really, I can’t think of anything else. Imagine that. Overall: I would have to say, watch the whole show. Hey,
there’s a first time for everything. Especially when compared to the shit
factory that was last week’s show, this week’s show was quite the enjoyable experience. So, go. Go watch. Now. I certainly hope you’ve been reading
everyone else’s stuff on this wonderful site. If not, shame on you. Precious Writer of the Year votes are at stake here!
Personally, I can’t wait to see how hilariously bad my number of votes is going be. You see, people have to actually READ my articles to decide if it’s any good. So, yeah, feedback. I do read it. I do learn from it. So, e-mail, or…sigh…use myspace
at http://www.myspace.com/bruceleetotheface. Until next week, remember kids, yell
out “Neil is a sex fiend” if you like chocolate!
(Disclaimer: I will tell you that this week’s report will be quite a bit on the short side tonight. I am currently getting fucked over by an illness I picked up at work, and since I know nobody’s going
to pick up this week’s report, well, my hands are tied. So, enjoy what
you can.) Still standing here in Bridgeport, Connecticut! So, yeah, no 4 hours of WWE for the Philly crowd.
Thank God. We start with Dreamer in the ring looking somewhat suave, who
gets about one sentence in before SURPRISE! COMMUNISM! Koslov appears out of thin air to beat the ever-loving hell out of Tommy, while challenging Matt Hardy
to a match. Koslov then leaves through the crowd, and Jack Swagger pops up to
give Dreamer a Doctor Bomb. Keep in mind, I’m starting to think the medicine
is sending me on a one-way trip to hell, because I have no fucking idea what is going on.
Oh, and apparently the theme of the night is dress like a male model, because I’d be damned if all three guys
weren’t looking like they were hitting the local club afterwards. This
transitions into Miz and Morrison’s acceptance speech from last night, which gets my seal of approval. It was far too random not to laugh. Kung Fu Naki and Jimmy Wang Yang
Vs. John Morrison and The Miz Apparently it’s show off your Slammy
night too, because both the announce team gloat a little bit about their award, along with Miz and Morrison juggling their
two awards. Quick side note, how petty was Jerry Lawler taking shots at Tard
and Matt last night? Dude, it’s a fake award! He’s just salty because the only thing he’s getting awarded is a trip to county after a visit
from Chris Hansen. Oh yeah, the match. The Orient Express gets in a good deal of offense on MNMT, already exceeding any expectations I may have
with these two. It’s actually a good match, with a personal highlight being
Morrison busting out a HUGE wheel kick. Sure, he missed and caught a kick from
Naki instead, but I am constantly astounded by the shit this guy can do. Going
into break, Morrison hangs Naki out to dry on the top rope, letting the heels go to work. Back from break, Miz is working some
chinlockage, only for Naki to escape with kicks. Pretty much the only thing he
does now. Miz gets back on the attack, clotheslining the black belt right off
of Naki. Morrison in now, and with some stereotypical Asian antics, mows Naki
down with a knee to the face. Looked pretty painful from here. Naki, after battling out of an arm wrenching, finally is able to get the hot tag to Yang, who’s been
pretty much doing nothing the whole match. Yang runs wild on the two (including
a monkey flip that saw Morrison do a full rotation), but after some obligatory chaos, Morrison is able to dodge Yang Time,
and hits his springboard Roundhouse for the win. Winner: John
Morrison and The Miz What Stood Out: Surprisingly long (I was assuming this one was going to be squash city) and good match between the four. However, Jimmy Wang Yang did a whole lot of NOTHING this whole match. Oh, and Kung Fu Naki’s offense consists entirely of kicks…and the occasional roll-up. Backstage now, where Tony Atlas busts
out the VERY old school tights. Mark Henry does not approve, and commands him
to go get his bags. He then gets a funny line, saying Atlas’ outfit is
going to get green all over it, after he squashes Hornswoggle. This transitions
to Michaels winning the Slammy for MOTY, which the ending was hilarious. Sad
Shawn sitting there pretty much with his dick in his hand made me laugh too much. Probably a testament to how much content
this show has, they REPLAY the opening segment. Yawn. This books a match between Koslov and Hardy for Armageddon (looks to be non-title). Hardy gets in some comments backstage, which I didn’t care to listen.
Needed a drink, deal with it. Boogeyman Vs. Someone I Hope
Likes Worms He may be a horror in the ring (unintentionally),
but I have to say, Boogeyman does know how to pull off creepy very exceptionally. Getting
the new grill actually only helped that out. So yeah, it’s back to what you
love about this guy. SQUASHES! Tree
Slam wins it. Winner:
Boogeyman What Stood Out: I really feel sorry for the local talent with this crap. After the bell, Boogey sells the worming
as a REALLY big deal. Well, the crowd’s into it. This goes to backstage, as Hornswoggle still refuses to speak anything remotely resembling a language. I assume he’s hyped about the match tonight.
Not really caring at the moment. To waste a little more time, we get a
replay of the Superstar of the Year presentation, with Chris Jericho hitting on all cylinders.
Sure, he’s going to lose, but damn he can talk. Also I like how
Cena was hyping a fight so bad, but all it got was like, what, 30 seconds of exchanging blows until basically disappearing? Mark Henry and Tony Atlas Vs.
Finlay and Hornswoggle Seriously, for as old as Atlas is, brother
looks in damn good shape. The ring gear is still total shit though. Seriously, did he wear that back when he was active? Finlay and Atlas start out, with Atlas
getting the early advantage with the Mark Henry book of offense. That is, he
pushes Finlay into the corner, over and over and over. Perfectly acceptable,
seeing how I really doubt Atlas is capable of anything else. The old school wrestling
match continues, with Finlay finally turning the tide with a clothesline. Atlas
sells with the fluidity of an oak tree, by the way. Hornswoggle gets in a tadpole
splash with the ref’s back turned, which brings in Henry to clean house. Finlay
manages to save Horny from getting completely flattened when Henry tries going for a Vader Bomb, going into break. It’s…a different kind of match; I’ll give you that.
So far, so good on the story though. Back from break, we see Henry and Finlay
going at it, with Henry getting the early advantage. Oh, good GOD Finlay is looking old.
Oh well, as long as he can still go in the ring, right? Henry, after tossing
Finlay around some more, tags in Atlas, who promptly gets his ass kicked before a shot to Finlay turns things around. Credit where it’s due, Finlay is making Atlas look pretty awesome tonight. A miracle, to be sure. Is it raining
blood outside? ANYWAY, Henry SLOWLY beats the hell out
of Finlay some more. Hits, restholds galore, big boots, more restholds, you name
it, Henry does it at 25% speed. Horny screams at the top of his lungs from his
corner, but it’s for naught, I’m afraid. Henry goes for ANOTHER resthold,
which Finlay finally manages to break out of to mount a comeback. DDT gets two,
before Henry chest bumps Finlay right out of the ring. Mizark quickly snags Horny,
and body slams him into the ring. When Henry goes for the running splash, Finlay
darts in to shove Hornswoggle out of the way, only to get splattered himself. World’s
Strongest Slam comes soon after for the victory. Winner:
Mark Henry and Tony Atlas What Stood
Out: Not a bad match, if it was a bit on the slow side. But come on, one team is MARK HENRY AND TONY ATLAS.
Were you expecting fast paced? Really? Post-match, team blackness has a good
chuckle at their victory, while Hornswoggle whines a little bit. Ah, I feel better
now. THE END. Uppers: Both non-Boogeyman matches were pretty good fare.
Nothing too special, but more than enough to hold my attention. Downers: Boogeyman gets no amusement from me.
Also, there was a LOT of random shit happening tonight. What the hell
was with the opening segment? Finally, not a fan of the repeats tonight, no sir. Overall: Fairly entertaining show tonight, even if it was chock full of fluff. Hell, I’d watch it again. Surely that’s a good
enough endorsement? And that was this week’s ECW report. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go throw up.
Yum, fruit snacks.
I’m ba-ack, and better
than ever…sorry, had to do it. And, I got nothing this week either, so
let’s just get right into the goods, shall we? Still standing here, TAPED, in Baltimore! Sigh. Do they ever do ECW live anymore? And to start things off…HARDY! The
less popular one. Not in my eyes though, as Matt knows how to dictate a match
a HELL of a lot better than Jeff. Matt grabs the mike to LOULDLY declare Jeff
the new WWE Champion, just using as many words as possible. Chavo interrupts
to shut Matt the hell up, and my God this is boring. Like, I am getting absolutely
no entertainment from this. Chavo basically says the win was a fluke, and says
that Matt and Chavo have a title match later tonight. Mack Militant interrupts
to declare that match is happening RIGHT NOW, all while being as serious as possible…while wearing an elf suit. Some fat jokes on Vickie via Teddy (which Long’s delivery admittedly makes it
funny) take us into the co-main event: ECW Champion Matt Hardy Vs. Chavo
Guerrero, Championship Match Matt dominates to start us off, going
for a quickie Twist of Fate, which Chavo scurries out of the ring in response. Sneak
attack lets Chavo wrench the arm of Matt as we go to break. Eh, so far so good. Apparently, that arm wrenching lasted
through the ENTIRE BREAK because I’ll be damned if it looked like they didn’t move at all. Matt battles out of it, finally, only to be knocked down for Chavo to wrench the arm some more. Hardy powers out, and in a nice bit of psychology, very actively forgoes using the left arm at all times. Even on stupid minutia, he sticks to using the right arm only. Gold star for him. Things stay even, but when Hardy goes up
for his bullshit moonsault, Chavo stops him, leading into Hardy Russian Legsweeping Chavo off the second rope. Looked cool to me. Guess he learned something from his Russian
ass-beating last Sunday. Anyway, Hardy tries for the Twist of Fate again, only
for it to be countered into the Three Amigos by Chavo. However, once Chavo gets
to #3 (ummm…Martin Short?) Hardy hits the Twist OUTTA NOWHERE for the victory. Winner:
Matt Hardy What Stood Out: Chavo’s marathon arm wrench. Holy crap, how long must
that have been for the live crowd? Raw Recap now, with Orton’s kick
OF DOOM being set to somber choir music. Have to hand it to the video department,
they know how to make ANYTHING exciting. ANYTHING. I just went to go get a drink of water, when all of the sudden everything turned grainy black and white,
with slow-motion effects and dramatic singing. It was awesome. Finlay w/ Hornswoggle Vs. Gavin
Spears HOLY SHIT, Gavin Spears?! Apparently the guy’s backstory is that he’s a former blackjack dealer. Yeah, sure, he really shows it too, by being completely bland and forgettable. How forgettable? I thought he was future endeavor’d
at least 4 weeks ago. Hornswoggle annoys me right from the
start, though that’s nothing new. He does this by swiping the announcer’s
Slammy, while once again screaming in gibberish. Some father Finlay is, basically
saying “Hey, sure, stealing’s fine and dandy! While we’re at
it, how about we go pick up some hookers and blow after the match?” This
is basically an extended squash, with Finlay allowing an errant attack be landed on him every now and then. Celtic Cross wins this one. Winner:
Finlay What Stood Out: Whoa, Finlay CAN win matches without bullshit! The only problem
is it ends up being against the king of jobbers. Hornswoggle annoying me did
NOT stand out, because it happens ALL THE TIME. After the bell, we got Team Irish doing
their jig. See that? That’s
a piece of me, dying. Horribly. DX shill replay time! I can admit I laugh, but how off base can these things get? From
there, LET’S GET RANDOM! After like five seconds of Striker showing he
got the Slammy back, we immediately go TO THE BACK to see DJ Gabriel and Alicia Fox dancing.
SPONTANEOUS DANCE PARTY~! Mark Henry and Tony Atlas break things up, with
Henry dressed up as Santa and Atlas dressed up as a Reindeer. Henry then recites
a poem about how he is going to murder Hornswoggle. I have a poem too: ECW…I’m recapping it. Good Lord this is total shit. Thank you, I’m here all night. From there, it gets better and better,
with Generic Blonde Tiffany thanking Kofi and Punk for coming to ECW. Ricky Ortiz
then presents a Christmas gift to GBT…a rally towel. CM Punk then scores
big points for me, being hilariously sarcastic in saying how great a gift that is, along with how big a fan Kofi is. So, KOFI gets a towel too! It’s
a Christmas miracle! No, the miracle is the coming commercial break, because
really, total waste of time here. John Morrison, The Miz, and Jack
Swagger Vs. Kofi Kingston, Ricky Ortiz, and CM Punk Kofi and Morrison start us off, with
Kofi quickly tagging out to Ortiz after getting the advantage. Ortiz whips Morrison
into the corner. So, at least he hasn’t horribly botched yet. Tag to CM Punk has him steamroll over Morrison, only for Miz to hold onto Morrison to prevent an early
GTS. So, Punk simply dropkicks them both out.
Swagger tries to join in on the fun, but Kofi crossbodies his ass to the outside too.
So far, NO offense from the heels whatsoever. Nothing like a competitive
match, eh? Back from break, Morrison is STILL getting
his ass kicked by Punk, who hits a nice vertical suplex before tagging Kofi. Kofi
then takes his turn beating the hell out of Morrison, until Swagger pushes Kofi off the turnbuckle to the floor. Oh no! Now the heels will get some offense! Can’t have that… Morrison, Miz, and Swagger take turns
beating on Kingston, with Kofi getting oh so close to tagging out before Swagger plows him.
Not sexually. But very Avant-Garde of WWE if they allowed that, wouldn’t
it. Kofi finally manages to get the hot tag to…sigh…Ricky Ortiz,
who runs wild on Swagger and the tag champs. Things break down from there, with
the ex-champs taking the current champs to the outside. Ortiz tries, of all things,
a springboard shoulder block, but Swagger stops that shit cold with a big boot. I
think it was a little edited, as the camera switched rather suddenly mid move. Ah
that Ortiz, what a reliable guy. Doctor Bomb soon after ends this one. Winner:
John Morrison, The Miz, and Jack Swagger What Stood Out: How about, until the very end, the complete and utter destruction of the bad guys? I mean, isn’t it all about believability? Bad guys seem to win a lot on this show
lately. Just for your information. THE
END. Uppers: Whew, really grasping at straws here. The
wrestling was so-so, unfortunately. How about CM Punk backstage? I neglected to mention he got a shot at the XFL in too, saying how an XFL jersey would be a great Christmas
present as well. See, that’s notable because only big shots rip on a Vince
project, and because Ricky Ortiz used to play for the XFL. That is what’s
called a “Hidden Highlight.” Downers: Oh my, where to begin. Once
again, the wrestling was so-so. So that’s a bit of a downer, seeing how
the wrestling has always been pretty good on this show. Other downer? USELESS SHIT GALORE! ECW is designed to be mainly wrestling
matches, while leaving the backstage shit to Raw and Smackdown. However, for
some reason, there was so much of it tonight that they could’ve easily had another match on here…or at least made
one of the three a little more respectable. Overall: OK, I know I said last week’s show was chock full of fluff. It had NOTHING on this show though. I realize the end of the
year means it’s time to phone it in, but damn, pretty much no one gave a shit tonight.
Neither do I. Skip this show, for the LOVE OF GOD. Ironically, this report might have been
shorter than the one I wrote last week. Oh well, you can only do so much when
WWE gives you nothing to work with. Is that it for the year? I don’t know. But if the remaining shows this year are
going to be this bad, time for me to take a vacation!
Ah, ‘tis the season, bitches. Due to holiday shenanigans, I missed Raw last night.
Heard it was good though. But I also heard Batista wasn’t there. Hmm, why is that: “Batista suffered a hamstring tear
and will be out of action for several months. It is believed he will be undergoing surgery to reattach the muscle.”
[f4wonline.com] Oh, oh that is just awesome. Not saying anyone should deserve an injury, but…yeah, that guy had it coming. Well that takes care of one constant title contender. Just
remember, the Konami Code only gives you 30 lives, not infinite lives. Still standing here in…WWE Studios? Ruh-roh Shaggy, it’s a clip show! Matt
Striker and Tard Grisham host, starting us off by giving us a bit of a history lesson on CM Punk being ECW Champ at the beginning
of the year. This transitions into a video on the No DQ match between Punk and
Chavo Guerrero. I recall that match being…eh, OK. Perhaps my memory can be refreshed? How about it, Gershon
Levy? Chavo Guerrero vs. ECW Champion
CM Punk (ECW Championship Match) Punk starts off aggressively and tries
to rip the turnbuckle pad off (should have pulled a George the Animal Steele and eaten it off) but Chavo stops him and takes
over. Chavo ends up on the apron and Punk kicks him off. Punk then does a suicide dive through the ropes and continues to beat up on Chavo. He goes for a suplex but Chavo counters and drops Punk right on the hollow steps. Back inside Chavo hits a baseball slide while Punk is in the corner.
He locks in an abdominal stretch, which Punk breaks out of and the champion ends up connecting with a big forearm. He then hits the Pepsi One then a bulldog. He
gets a two count, then goes to the top but Chavo hits a dropkick to the gut. Chavo
hits the Three Amigos and goes to the top. He misses a top rope move, and Punk
hits the Nyquil. Edge runs in and hits a spear on Punk and Chavo takes advantage
and gets the pin. Wow, just wow. Winner (and new champion): Chavo Guerrero Chavo, Edge, the Edgeheads and Vickie
celebrate as we go off the air. HD now stands for Happily Done. So, yes, I was right. Not great times. Apparently this is the history of Punk, because
they then go over Mariachi Punk and his GulfTS on Chavo, but of course, because this is CM Punk we’re talking about,
he doesn’t get the title back. NEW VIDEO! This is of the Money in the Bank match at WM 24, moving on to CM getting the World Championship on the
June 30th Raw. Still awesome to watch.
Sure, we’re back to shit now, but damn if that wasn’t good times right there. COMMERCIAL TIME NOW! FYI, I’m forgoing the uppers/downers/overall
action tonight. This is a damned clip show, so logically everything shown would
be good, right? Right. Shut up. Back from break, and more mentions of
them being Slammy award winners later, MORE CM PUNK! Hey, I don’t mind. Quick mentions of him winning the OMG moment of the year, and also a quick shot of
him GTS’ing Striker. Well since Punk isn’t on ECW anymore, we get… KANE!
Video of him winning the WM 24 battle royal that was SO AWESOME that it wasn’t even on the show. Tremendous. This is followed by Kane obliterating Chavo for
the championship, which was also pleasing. After going over Kane’s reign
of terror, it’s time for Striker’s classroom, going over just how hosstacular the Night of Champions Triple Threat
really was. How much? Let’s
have one Catherine Perez tell us all about it… MARK HENRY vs. BIG SHOW vs. KANE
for the ECW CHIMPIONSHIP. Hey, it's what Chimel said. Big Show's slowed-down music helps me
feel like I've slipped into a slow-motion alternate universe. Mark Henry seriously looks like the little fat kid at the playground
who's ready to hand out a beating to the kid who dropped his sandwich onto the dirt. Anyway, the bell rings, and Kane lands
some punches on both men. Adamle calls Kane agile, and considering our opponents, I guess it's safe to say that Kane definitely
is the one with the agility here. Kane delivers a snap DDT onto Show and goes for the pin. Show kicks out and sends Kane to
the outside, where we hear a little kid scream "COME ON, KANE, GET UP!" How adorable. Back in the ring, Mark Henry and Big
Show lock up and then, uh, let go of each other. They circle the ring, and, holy shit, they lock up again! Show tries throwing
Henry to the ropes, but Henry comes back and, to accentuate their large hossness, they end up slamming bellies like a couple
of frat brothers. For some reason, we've got a couple of "doctors" checking on Kane at ringside. Here's how Adamle puts it,
word for word, "We've still got Kane hanging out in front of our announcing, um... thing... table." The guy is such a poet
with his words, isn't he? Meanwhile, Show and Henry are still sluggishly going at it. Kane finally reenters the ring via a
flying clotheslines onto Henry. Running splashes onto both men from Kane. Henry goes for a bear hug on the Big Red Machine,
but Kane powers out. Double Chokeslam onto Mark Henry. You could literally see him floating in mid-air, that's how slow it
was. Kane and Show punch at each other, and Show manhandles Kane into the corner. Kane kicks him away and goes for a top rope
move, but flies into Show's Chokeslam. Kane sits up a la Undertaker and wraps his meaty hand around Show's neck. Well, not
around, 'cause that's just impossible. Then, as if the match just went into fast-forward mode, Mizzark flies onto Kane out
of nowhere and picks up the pin. My laptop, noticing that Henry's the new champ, subsequently overheats and shuts off. True
story. WINNER, and NEW~! ECW Champ: Mark Henry Now it’s time for Henry winning
the title, and destroying the competition, set to some pretty pimp rap music. I
enjoyed. So, how about some commercials?
Yes please… Sigh, recapping this is probably my toughest
assignment yet. It’s good stuff, don’t get me wrong. But it’s just them playing videos…this sucks. Now, let’s analyze Miz and Morrison’s
stellar year. Dirt Sheet, Slammys, Tard making a general ass of himself, you
name it. This transitions into an extended viewing of the Cyber Sunday match
between them and Cryme Tyme. You remember Cyber Sunday, don’t you? The PPV that had the guy on the cover not appear on the show at all? Good times, good times…Anthony Dean, tell us a tale: Cryme Tyme vs John Morrison &
The Miz I'll admit it. I have been following
this feud. Yes, on wwe.com. I'll say it and not even give a shit - The Dirt Sheet rap music video was awesome. And I am twelve.
Seriously, how can you not be into this? It's a classic feud with so many elements! East Coast vs West Coast, White vs Black,
Morrison and JTG to start off. JTG gets
early crowd support with a "YEEEAAAAH" and takes to intimidating Morrison with his ABM act. Fluid wrestling between the two
ensue. Very nice series of successful moves and reversals. And then Miz got the tag. Shad is in also to crush Miz in the East
corner and slam him to the ground. Quick back and forth tags and doubleteams made by both teams and the match remains even
until Morrison rolls out of the ring and Miz is tossed out to join him. Shad hurls JTG onto him and JTG celebrates this betrayal
by high-fiving JR at ringside. "Money money yeah yeah" chant starts up in the crowd that, despite looking predominantly white,
doesn't sound like that "cracker voice" done by virtually every black comic ever. Shad gets beat on in the West corner as
MNMT continue the double team and quick tags, working over Shad's knee. Miz sees minimal ring time here, which is always a
good thing. Single leg crap by Morrison in the middle of the ring is countered by Shad's ability to do a push up, but Miz
gets the tag quickly enough to lock in a leg lock. Which of course gets immediately countered. JTG tags in and is all over the ring,
knocking Morrison off the apron and going up to launch at Miz, but Morrison is on the apron for the distraction and Miz is
up to send him flying out of the ring. JTG gets rolled back in for a two count and Morrison gets the tag, leading to MNMT
executing a double gutbuster. Classic (read : generic) heel team offense from here. Morrison connects with a Shining Wizard
(Shaman?) for two. Miz is in next with a hard knee shot in the corner. He tries to springboard JTG into M orrison's forearm
on the apron but JTG knocks Mr Nohjo Risin off instead. Hot tag and Shad is in dominating as JTG lays dead in the ring. Huge
flapjack on Johnny but Morrison dodges a corner charge and almost scores the pinfall by using the ropes as JTG makes the save.
Spinebuster gets two for Cryme Tyme as Miz saves this time. Shad goes for a suplex but Miz lands a quick kick to the back
of Shad's knee and Morrison hits the "Midnight Ride" (Cole, who else) for the pinfall. Winner : Morrison and Miz Have a look at Matt Hardy now, with his
comeback on at MitB, wailing on MVP. This eventually leads to Matt Hardy winning
the ECW Championship scramble. I wonder how that went? Hmmm…Anthony, get your ass back out here! ECW Championship Scramble Match
- Matt Hardy vs Miz vs Finlay vs Chavo Guerrero vs ECW Champion Mark Henry WWE is kind enough to supply the rules
of this match, just in case the weeks of repeating it on tv wasn't enough to drive the point home that the match is twenty
minutes long and whoever last pinned somebody or made somebody submit at the end of the twenty minutes is the new champion.
Crazy shit, I know. Starting things off in this CONFUSING CONVOLUTED CLUSTERFUCK
will be Matt Hardy and The Miz, who is here tonight without tag partner John Morrison and thus any hope of winning or looking
good out ther e. They each start off by exchanging very basic offense, so Miz of course has the advantage in his style of
match. Hardy however has been doing flips in the woods for years and didn't get pulled out of OVW Basic Training about thirteen
days too early and so levels Miz with a powerbomb for two. Lots of clotheslines and headlocks still, until Miz gets confident
enough to come off and hit a quick Reality Check. Hardy rolls out of the ring to spare the world the unfathomable possibility
of the Miz being a world champion in any regard, temporary or otherwise, but Miz rolls him back in for a pin attempt. Hardy
kicks free and Chavito is out in shiny purple pants. That cool motherfucker. Chavo immediately sends Miz out and lands a quick
frogsplash on Matt Hardy for the pinfall. As if that would ever fucking happen in a regular match. In any event, Chavo is
now the interrim champ. A little basic lucha vs basic basic as Miz's clotheslines and stomps are thwarted by Chavo and Matt's
wacky jumping and athletecism and wre stling moves. Hardy off the top with an elbow to Chavo's head for two but Miz takes
a page out of, well, virtually anybody's book and comes off the top with a crossbody that puts down both Hardy and Guerrero.
This fires Hardy up and he dominates, culminating in his double bulldog/side effect spot and another side effect on Chavo
that actually gets the pinfall. Looks like WWE's going to be short another referee real soon. For the time being, Hardy is champion.
For the time being, because Mark Henry is out to split somebody wig. Somebody bout to get their ass kick. That somebody turns
out to be everybody as the three competitors all work against Mark Henry here. But this isn't a Battle Royal! I wonder what
the Fan Laws have to say about this. Probably nothing, since they got deleted or something like a year ago. Oh well. Henry
repeatedly shoves them all away, going self-proclaimed apeshit until he splits Chavo's wig with a pr ess slam for the win.
Mark Henry is once again ECW champion and resumes dominating. He catches Chavo in a bearhug until Hardy comes flying at him,
to which he responds by dropping Chavo and catching Hardy in another bearhug. This match already saw one decision made after
a side effect, whose to say a bearhug won't work? Other than the Fan Laws. I'll stop. HIS NAME IS FINLAY, AND HE HATES THE
BLIGHT! Finlay needs him some starches to maintain that 50+ year old physique. Finlay seems like a legitimate threat coming
out as Henry regards his appearance by throwing away Matt Hardy and bracing himself for Finlay. Finlay runs into the ring
and plants Henry right the fuck down with a DDT. Finlay stays in control until he gets put in another bearhug by the self-proclaimed
bear, but Horny runs in for a shilaylay shot to Henry's cankle. Finlay is freed, grabs the shilaylay, and clocks the self-proclaimed
lesser human being in head. Wig, excuse me. Finlay then hits the Celtic Cross on Hardy for the pinfall. FINLAY IS FIN ALLY
WORLD CHAMPION! After all those years of fighting in carnivals and bars around the world, or, whatever. However the Miz creeps
up onto the turnbuckle and comes off with a missle dropkick, but Hardy is quick to hit the Twist of Fate for the pin on Miz.
Ah, well. Ye had a good run, laddy. Henry is staggering on the apron and the announcer's claim this is Matt Hardy's DREAM!
Aiming for the middle, some dreamer. Chavo comes off with a frogsplash on Miz but Hardy breaks it up. Henry then resumes dominance,
planting everybody with his shit and covering but Matt Hardy is there to break it up every time. Soon Finlay tries for a rollup
on Hardy and then a Celtic Cross but Henry is there with his TREE TRUNK LEG to take Finlay out. Fun atmosphere as Henry continues
scoring nearfalls on anybody he can only to be ruined by Matt. The match is almost over and Miz and Chavo get tossed out.
Finlay plants Hardy with a slam and tries to pin but Chavo scrambles back in to break it up. Everybody is trying to pin and
block pins that the clock runs out and Matt Hardy is declared the new ECW Champion. Winner and NEW ECW Champion : Matt Freakin'
Hardy At least it wasn't Miz. Ever. Ah, here we go. EVAN BOURNE VIDEO. I keep forgetting how awesome he is. Now let’s watch him squash Striker with the PPSSP! Now we go back to Cyber Sunday with the Matt Hardy/Evan Bourne match.
In the process, Striker still plays the bitter Republican, saying “hey, at least the country got one election
right.” It made me laugh. So
how did that match go? Why let’s find out…GOD FUCKING DAMN IT ANTHONY,
STOP LEAVING AND DO YOUR FUCKING JOB MOTHERFUCKER! Evan Bourne vs ECW Champion Matt
Hardy, ECW Championship match Why the fuck is there a bird sillhouette
on the ECW belt? Is it because ECW "rose from the ashes?" Because that'd be like a regular guy being killed and coming back
as an obese retarded midget with no body hair and a micropenis, or a woman. Evan Bourne makes Hardy look huge as he puts Bourne
down with shoulder blocks, but Bourne catches Matt with a dropkick to the jaw. Big Hardy chant starts up as Bourne puts him
locks in a headlock. Hardy pins Bourne three or four times in a row by just holding his hands d own to the mat. Evan Bourne
comes back with his own ridiculous series of useless rollups and pin attempts before transitioning into a series of kicks,
followed by a headscissors. He goes for a springboard something but Hardy just clotheslines his ass out of the ring. Back
inside, another clothesline gets two and Matt goes for a corner bulldog but Bourne keeps Hardy running and sends him into
the opposite turnbuckle. Arm submission on the ground and Bourne remains in control. Amazing standing moonsault score s two
for Bourne and he goes back to working the arm. We are informed that Bourne can dunk a basketball. No word on whether the
hoop is manufactured by Little Tykes or Playskool. Swift kick puts Hardy down and Bourne
goes up top but Hardy rolls all the way across and out of the ring. Bourne follows across to the apron and looks for a moonsault
but Hardy counters and slams Bourne onto the outside. This gets two back in the ring and Hardy dominates with power moves
for the first time in his life. Elbow from the second rope gets a cautious two count because all refs have been put on notice
regarding Matt Hardy's secondary moves. Hardy continues enjoying his power trip and looks for a c rucifix powerbomb but Bourne
counters with a hurricarana. A pair of Side Effects gets Matt another set of hesitant two counts. Hardy goes up for another
elbow but Bourne counters with a heelkick. EVAN counters a whip to the corner with a leap off the top turnbuckle, clotheslining
Matt for two. More heelkicks get more nearfalls. Bourne goes up top and Matt tries to counter but Bourne swats him down and
connects with knees to Hardy's head off the top rope for two. How do you fake a dude landing on your head w ith his fucking
knees? Series of reversals and nearfalls culminate in Bourne going up top. Hardy is up to slug it out with him but gets knocked
back down again. EVAN IS AIRBORNE with a Shooting Star Press that misses. Hardy is up for a Twist of Fate attempt which gets
countered, but Hardy recounters into a successful Twist of Fate for the pinfall. Winner and STILL ECW Champion : Matt
Hardy Tard calls the match an instant classic.
Nope. I mean it was certainly good, but, come on. Ah, that was good stuff. Now let’s get sappy with some troops footage! I imagine
that was because the actual troops show was/is getting a crap rating. Come on,
it’s on a Friday, people got shit to do. Tasteful stuff however. What else can I say? Things get random as hell at the end
here, basically cramming everything they can in the final few minutes. Ricky
Ortiz, Kofi Kingston, DJ Gabriel, Jack Swagger, you name it. We end with a shot
of, for some reason, Jeff Hardy winning the title at Armageddon, then a nice little music video set to the soulful tunes of…Saliva
sings the theme song? Really? OK
then. Looks like I learn something new everyday. Well, that’s it for this year (at
least according to Striker and Grisham). Hopefully I get to entertain you as
well as I can in the coming year (disregarding this report, where it is quite obvious I completely half-assed it). Now go have a good holiday already! Outta my sight!
Why thank you WWE for getting my hopes
up, then smashing them to bits! What the hell am I talking about? Well, at the end of last week’s year in review, Striker and Grisham said something
to the effect of, “We’ll see you all in 2009.” NO. FALSE. One more for the road please! Oh, and bonus, I stumbled upon the spoilers for tonight. I
honestly think WWE doesn’t want me making it to 2009 as a sane person. What
do I mean? Well, for the last time in 2008, let’s get this shit over with! Still standing here in Manchester! New Hampshire! Ha ha, suck it Brits. And we’re into things right from the get-go with a LIVE Dirt Sheet. This thing starts tanking immediately with a poor parody of acting like Oprah…which gets nothing. After that one goes over like a fart in church, they get to the gloating. How original. Going through their decidedly random New Year’s
resolutions, they get into a bit of a tiff when they go and say that they’re going to win the Royal Rumble. Aw how cute. Also it wasn’t quite at the same
time – Morrison was late. After ripping on the other superstars a little
bit (while completing my 2008 by getting the term “nasal douche” on the air), Finlay and Hornswoggle interrupt
after one midget joke too many. Horny, of course, screams incoherently. Finlay gives the little mistake, of all things, a MICROPHONE. Horny cuts a promo only Khali could understand, which leads to Finlay giving Morrison a cheapshot. Miz is not a fan of such chicanery on his show, so he proceeds to lay down some hurt
on Finlay, and Morrison soon joins in. Horny proceeds to run like a bitch under
the ring, but when the champs give chase, who’s there? Boogeyman! Miz and Morrison run like hell, and that’s that.
Hornswoggle and Boogeyman? Like I said, this show is going to kill me. Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas Vs.
ECW Champion Matt Hardy, Non-title match Boy, haven’t seen this one before!
I’m totally excited! Because it’s a Mark Henry match,
it’s of course a high-flying spotfest right out of the gate. Oh, also a
giant king cobra has burst through my wall and is threatening to swallow me whole. Excuse
me for a second. Ah, that’s better. Fucker did NOT take kindly to being stabbed. Meanwhile, back
in reality, the opening is dominated by Henry, showing off his only strength…um, his strength. Hardy gets in a shot here and there, but it’s nothing but clotheslines, stomps, splashes, and generic
hossiness galore! Henry actually does something sort of different for once, pulling
off a banzai bomb in the corner after Atlas provides the distraction. Eh, I’ll
take what I can get. After a commercial break, Hardy is STILL
getting his ass beat all over the ring, and at this point, this has gone…about ten minutes. I get that he’s a lot bigger, but come on; can’t you make the champ look at least a little
credible? I have enough fingers to count how many moves Hardy has pulled off
in this match so far. Hardy finally gets something going when Henry messes up
sitting on him (to counter a sunset flip). Hardy manages to score an impressive
looking Side Effect for 2, and is heating up when…Jack Swagger runs in to deliver a Doctor Bomb. Winner:
Technically, Matt Hardy. Really?
Not anyone who saw this match. What Stood Out: I would say Hardy playing mega-bitch the whole match stood out…holy shit. The second he gets anything going, RUN-IN! Can’t have
the champ get any offense… After the bell, Swagger makes a run for
it, leaving Hardy to get his ass kicked some more from Henry. Wow. Somewhere, CM Punk is watching and saying “Man, what a total bitch.” Oh, and to add to my misery, yes, the MAIN EVENT is a NO DQ tag match between Miz and Morrison and…Finlay
and Boogeyman. Kizarny Promo? On ECW? Well, good news, the guy’s finally debuting
Friday! Also, dude doesn’t fuck around – he sticks his hand in a
mini-bear trap in the promo. Nothing like a little self-mutilation to get you
over. PAUL BURCHILL?! w/ Katie Lea Vs. DJ Gabriel w/ Alicia Fox Oh Paul, will you ever catch a break. However, Katie Lea on my screen is most pleasing.
So, at least things balance out. Hey, she has all that experience with
jobbing that I think she’d be readily available to accept a job of mine. Where’s
it located? Here’s a hint: it
rhymes with “my cock”. Ah, I’m so family friendly, aren’t
I? Oh yeah, there’s a match here! Sorry, kind of…”stroked” off there for a second. DJ gets his ass kicked for a few minutes, via basic hits and rest holds.
Apparently that whole “talent” thing he has need not apply in the WWE.
It does go on for a while, before Gabriel turns things around temporarily with a slingshot to the turnbuckle. Clothesline to the back of the head shuts that shit down. Gutbuster turns it around again, but the SHORYUKEN is stopped via quick British thinking. However, all this leads to is a quickie roll-up for another DJ victory dance party. Winner:
DJ Gabriel What Stood Out: If they’re even considering building Burchill up again, they actually did a halfway decent job with
this match. Sure, he still lost, but he did about 99% of the offense regardless. Oh, and Katie Lea was looking VERY nice. She
can come on my show whenever she fuckin’ feels like it. TO THE BACK, Boogey serenades a poor
worm before gobbling it up, only to have Hornswoggle to run in and scream for a little bit.
Well, that was poignant. Let’s get sappy! Raw recap focuses on the Fatal 4-way, with Shawn making Orton and Jericho look like chumps, before re-enacting
the Fingerpoke of Doom – extended director’s cut. Seriously, is jobbing
that hard for you Shawn? Finlay w/ Hornswoggle and The
Boogeyman Vs. John Morrison and The Miz For the record, I do not envy Miz and
Morrison. Specifically tonight, to get an acceptable match out of this debacle,
but also, their schedule. I mean, they’re on every damn show! Oh, and because it’s no DQ, you know that it’s going to be basically a handicap match for them. With Horny, in more ways than one. Miz and Finlay go toe to toe at the beginning,
but Horny immediately makes his presence felt with his bullshit. Boogey joins
in by attempting to pull Miz under the ring. Hey, getting pulled into dark, close
quarters with a big black dude is quite scary. I’ve already lived that
prison nightmare out, thankyouverymuch… Miz and Morrison get Finlay on the ropes,
and take turns beating the hell out of him. While his partner, in a NO DISQUALIFICATION
MATCH, sits patiently in the opposing corner. Hornswoggle also just stands there
at ringside. So, uhhh, is this a no DQ match or not? Why can’t either of them just go in to break things up? Finlay
eventually makes a comeback, but refuses to tag out. Intelligent. Morrison manages to sneak in a schoolboy to end this train wreck. Winner:
John Morrison and The Miz What Stood Out: Probably very wisely, Boogeyman didn’t do much of ANYTHING this match. Though again, THIS WAS A NO DQ MATCH. JUST FUCKING RUN IN
THERE AND FUCK SHIT UP. Nope, let’s follow the rules! Which have been lifted for this match. So…here we go. After the match is over, Boogeyman beats on Miz and Morrison. Hmmm. Post match beating? Who’s the good
guys here again? After sending the champs scrambling, Finlay basically abducts
a kid from the front row to do a jig in the ring. With Hornswoggle and Boogeyman. And this is how ECW 2008 ends. OK, that’s
it… *loads .44 magnum pistol* *points barrel at forehead* NO!
That’s just what they want me to do…FUCK YOU WWE! THE END. Uppers: Nothing. Downers: Everything. Overall: I really wish Striker and Grisham were telling the truth last week. OK, it wasn’t THAT bad, but still
pretty atrocious. I just didn’t see the point to this show, at all. So yeah, remember that speech about continuing to entertain in 2009? Copy and paste it here. For now, no mas. Go enjoy New Year’s. I’m going to go get drunk
as hell.
Random Person: Starving.
[Unzipping his pants]
Dolph: Then feast
on that.FaggerSwagger Vs.
Ricky Ortiz, #1 Contender’s Match for the ECW Title
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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