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ECW: The Next Generation
(December 2006 Archives.)

December 05, 2006
December 16, 2006
December 20, 2006


Good grief I am exhausted!  I don’t have much mental capacity right now for a good intro but I will mention something sort of interesting that happened during a break from my extremely long work day.  I was sitting with some coworkers at Au Bon Pain (which is French for “my ass hurts”) having something to eat when I glance outside and see Andrew Martin, otherwise known as Test.  He actually popped in to the store and I gotta tell ya, he looks as roided up in person even in clothes as he does on TV.  This is the second time I’ve randomly seen a WWE star on the street, the other being JBL.  Ahh the excitement never stops in the Big Apple!
Highlights of Lashley winning the title at December to Dismember are shown followed by Paul Heyman tearfully talking about the blood on his suit being from the Big Show (this has been on WWE.com the last couple of days).  Tonight Show will be invoking his rematch clause against Lashley.  For those who haven’t been following the recent events, Heyman has supposedly been let go because of how poor the PPV was.  Theme and we are PRE-RECORDED from Charleston, South Carolina.  How do I know?  Because Raw was there last night.  RVD’s music hits first and he has stitches above his eye.  Enjoy Rob while he’s still here folks, rumor has it he’ll be leaving when his contract ends and I don’t blame him.  CM Punk then enters as his teammate with his arm bandaged up.  Rob gets on the microphone and says what happened to Sabu on Sunday was orchestrated by Heyman and was crap.  This match will be dedicated to him.  They’ll be facing Test and Hardcore Holly.
Rob Van Dam and CM Punk vs. Test and Hardcore Holly (Other Two Guys from Sunday’s Main Event in Tonight’s Main Event So Here Are the Rest of Them Match)
RVD starts off with a leg scissors on Holly then a split legged moonsault in the corner.  Holly comes back and Rob then gets thrown to the outside where Test unleashes a series of kicks.  Test tags in when RVD is back in the ring and continues the attack.  Holly then tags in again but Van Dam connects with a couple of kicks and tags in Punk.  He hits a solid knee in the corner followed by a bulldog.  Test runs in but ends up getting tossed out.  Punk then is positioned for an Alabama Slam but he counters, hits a urinage and locks in the Anaconda Vice before Heyman’s guards run in causing the DQ.
Winners by DQ:  Rob Van Dam and CM Punk
The guards continue to beat up Punk until Sabu hits the ring in his “very believable” sling and hits the guards with a chair.  Punk then locks in the Anaconda Vice on one of them, followed by a Five Star by RVD and an Arabian Facebuster by Sabu.  Later tonight we have Kelly Squared vs. Ariel.  Kill me now, please.
After a commercial, Daivari is speaking gibberish though it might be Arabic and says he wants to challenge Dreamer again because as we all know feuds ALWAYS start at the pay per view.  A clip from last Sunday where Tommy gets power bombed on the steel stage is shown before he makes his entrance.  Tommy is in noticeable pain as he walks down to the ring.
Daivari vs. Tommy Dreamer (I’m Dreaming of a Brown Christmas Match)
Daivari is on the attack quickly but Tommy comes back and hits a series of punches followed by a spinebuster.  Daivari tries to come back but Dreamer hits a DDT and gets the pin.
Winner: Tommy Dreamer
Great Khali walks down to ringside and beats the crap out of Dreamer, should we be surprised?
Apparently next week ECW is being bumped to Saturday.  Are you fucking kidding me?  I can’t wait to see what programming it’s being bumped for.  The Westminster Robotic Dog Show?
Big Show is shown backstage, blah blah I’m gonna win and celebrate with a big bowl of potato salad.  Kelly Squared makes her entrance to the most obvious piped in cheers I have EVER heard.  Seriously they were louder than the ones for CM Punk earlier.  Come on, if you’re gonna bullshit us at least make it believable!  We get a commercial then when we come back Ariel makes her entrance with Kevin Thorn.  Before the match even starts, Thorn is told to leave by the ref.
Ariel vs. Kelly Squared (Battle of Who Sucks Most)
Ariel jumps Kelly and chokes her then throws a series of girly punches.  Kelly does the WORST roll up I have ever seen and gets the pin (that’d be like if they made a fruit roll up flavored with pork).
Winner: Kelly Squared
Mike Knox comes to the ring with roses and is dressed up pretty snazzy.  He says he made the biggest mistake of his life (yeah, he waited too long to dump her ass).  He begs for forgiveness and she agrees to it.  Holy shit, he then says the EXACT SAME THING I JUST SAID and throws the roses in her face and puts her in a headlock before hitting a reverse STO (let’s call that Hard Knox).  Allow me to quote Chris Farley and say “that….was….AWESOME!”  Tazz runs into the ring which thankfully does not end in some kind of altercation and we go to commercial.
Big Show makes his entrance followed by Lashley and we are ready for our main event.
Big Show vs. ECW Champion Bobby Lashley (Big Dudes Make Vince Go Ga Ga Match for the ECW Championship)
Lashley tries to use his quicker body to punch and move but Show manages to prevent it and slams him then hits a sidewalk slam.  Lashley gets to his feet and tries again to chop the big man down but is stopped with a headbutt.  He then locks in a bear hug but Lashley is able to break out of it.  He goes for a body slam but Show falls on him and gets a two count.  We then go to yet another commercial.
We’re back dead (it isn’t live) and Show is continuing to work on Lashley’s back.  When he delivers a big headbutt, Tazz compares to it a bowling ball.  So with his toaster like fists you can make toast while you go bowling on a date with him?  Lashley tries to come back but gets leveled with a clothesline.  After a few more big punches from Show, Lashley breaks free and tries again to slam Show but is unsuccessful.  He then tries for a suplex which is pointless and Show reverses into a suplex of his own.  He locks in an abdominal stretch which Bobby breaks out of but again when he tries to build momentum, he runs into a shoulder block.  Show sets up Lashley on the turnbuckle but goes down and Bobby goes to the top and hits a forearm.  He then hits three clotheslines in a row and finally knocks the big man down.  He then goes for the spear but runs right into a choke slam.  Lashley somehow kicks out of the pin and Show goes for another choke slam but Lashley breaks out and does a really sloppy slam.  Only a two count and after a couple more shoulder blocks he hits a cleaner slam where he held him up for a couple seconds and gets the pin.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
Extreme Moment:  Has to be Mike Knox finally giving Kelly what she deserves.
Not So Extreme Moment: The horrific match that came before the extreme moment which was thankfully short.
As always, plenty of goodies to get you in the holiday spirit no matter what your denomination all here for your enjoyment at The Fan.  Voting is still open for the writer of the year and I’m starting to think I deserve to win for being forced to watch this show for the past six months.  Now hit my music!


I could very easily complain about this but I think Sean put it best when he said:
“Apparently WWE has postponed this week's edition of ECW until Saturday night, where you can forsake sex and any semblance of a social life to get caught up on the rollercoaster ride that is Bobby Lashley: ECW World Champion.”
Really, does any more need to be said?
Highlights from Lashley’s win at December to Dismember Your Paycheck are shown followed by Heyman’s tearful speech and last week’s match with Big Show.  I’d like to say I am real sorry to see Show go.  I have gained a lot from watching his matches, mainly thanks to my regular consumption of nachos and beer.  Actually what I have really gained and the real reason I am sorry to see him go is losing one of my favorite running jokes.  Oh well, I’ll have to find a new fatty to make fun of.
The bawdies hit the flow and we are most definitely TAPED from Boston.  They call this place Beantown, do they have street lamps shaped like beans?  Tonight Lashley faces Paul Heyman’s personal enforcers.  Umm, why are they still hired to be his enforcers if he isn’t there?  Well logic is a foreign word to the creative team.  RVD’s music hits and he comes down to the ring to face Test.
Rob Van Dam vs. Test (Drugs, Drugs and Rock n Roll Match Because In Case You Didn’t Know Test Used to Be a Roadie for Motley Crue)
Both men exchange beatdowns in the corner.  After an RVD kick, Test goes out of the ring for a breather.  Rob flips over the ropes on top of Test but then back inside gives up the advantage to his opponent.  RVD is able to dodge a move by Test and goes to the top but Test pushes him off as we go to commercial.
Test has an arm lock when we come back and just as RVD tries to break it he gets slammed.  Test goes to the top and lands right on the foot of Van Dam.  Both men get up and Test walks into a variety of kicks across the face.  After a few more moves, he hits Rolling Thunder and gets a two count.  He goes for the Five Star but misses.  Test gets up and goes for a power bomb but RVD counters into a sunset flip.  Test falls on top and grabs the ropes and gets the pin.
Winner: Test
After a commercial, Striker is in the ring talking about the people of Boston.  He starts talking about different balls relating to Boston and obviously this leads up to him calling out Balls Mahoney.  I should mention it’s pretty obvious cheers are piped in when no one in the crowd is moving.  Balls comes to the ring and Striker says he’s all heart and soul.  After he continues to mock everyone, Balls clotheslines Matt and as he goes for some Teabagging, Striker interrupts it with a kick to the well, balls.  He then says “Feeling blue, Balls?”  Oh man that was funnier then the fact he probably sexually harassed his students.
Backstage we see Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay and Elijah brags about how great they are.  You know, like pretty much every generic promo.  CM Punk’s music hits and even though he is legit over, it still sounds like the crowd sounds are being piped in.  He is facing Hardcore Holly.
CM Punk vs. Hardcore Holly (Hardcore Punk Is Usually a Good Thing, But There are Exceptions)
Punk starts off with a couple of arm drags and an elbow.  Holly comes back and hits Punk with some stiff forearms.  Punk then comes back and gets a swinging neckbreaker.  After a few more kicks he gets a bulldog and tries a pin but only gets two.  Holly gets back up and in the corner repeatedly hits him with his fists and since he doesn’t respond to the ref telling him to stop the bell is rung.
Winner by DQ: CM Punk
Holly goes for a shoulder block but Punk moves so he hits the post.  Punk then locks in the Anaconda Vice.  Holly does tap but all for naught since the match is already over.
Tommy Dreamer’s music hits and he comes down to the ring and on the microphone says he’s been told he has more heart and guts then he does brains.  He challenges Khali and demands he comes out.  Both he and Daivari come to the ring and Daivari says last week was a fluke and he accepts the challenge.  Whew!  Dreamer vs. Khali has Roe vs. Wade written all over it.
Daivari w/ Great Khali vs. Tommy Dreamer (Come ALAYEEAHHHHH Faithful Match)
Daivari attacks quickly but Dreamer counters to a reverse DDT then a regular one and gets the pin.
Winner: Tommy Dreamer
Khali pulls him to the outside and double arm chokeslams him on the mat.
Some clips are shown of Mike Knox begging for forgiveness last week and then throwing it in her face which ruled.  Of course to ruin watching that again, Tazz says “not for nothing”.  Lashley’s music hits and he comes down to the ring for the HIGHLY ANTICIPATED match with Heyman’s guards.  In case you were wondering, the enforcers weigh a bit less than 500 pounds together, basically like Big Show as two people.  I’m surprised he didn’t eat them since they aren’t needed anymore (HA I still worked one in).
ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Heyman’s Personal Enforcers (What Would You Call These Masked Men, The Policetadors?)
Lashley dominates early on but the enforcers manage to sneak in a hit with the night stick when the ref isn’t looking to gain control.  Lashley comes back and beats the crap out both of them.  He hits the Whiplashley and gets the pin.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
He hits the Whiplashley on the other enforcer then clocks them both with the night stick.  Thankfully this brings the show to a close.
Extreme Moment: This is pretty sad, but the only good thing that happened this week is the fact Kelly Squared was NOT on the show.
Not So Extreme Moment: The lame, pointless main event.
If you’d like to get in the holiday mood, watch Sean’s brilliant “Twelve Days of WWE Christmas”, the first ever video satire on the site.  Also check out recaps galore of all the pro wrestling programming you can handle.  It’s still early on a Saturday night; I’m gonna go get a life.  Now hit my music!

Wow, it feels like I just did this three days ago.  Oh wait, maybe because I did!  Next time they reschedule this show on a Saturday I will do something extreme.  I’m gonna eat TWO cheeseburgers!
The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from Hampton, Virginia.  Lashley’s music hits and he makes his entrance.  They changed his pyro to when he jumps on the ring.  Hmm, just like another Midwest based muscular superstar who used to be champion.  He gets on the microphone and says the reason he came to ECW is because of the fans.  You know, I’ve never really heard him speak before and now that I h ave he makes Chris Benoit sound like the Rock.  He says if Big Show ever comes back (don’t think he will) he will gladly challenge him again.  He also says us fans get to choose online (he slipped and said WWE.com though it is the same as ECW.com essentially) who he faces in two weeks.  The choices are Sabu, Test, and RVD.  Wow we get to choose from a guy who shouldn’t get a push and two guys ready to leave for TNA.  He then starts talking about the Tribute to the Troops before he is interrupted by Rene Dupree.  He claims to be the most extreme athlete.  In fact he’s so extreme that he hasn’t been on TV in months!  Lashley attacks him and in a rare moment of ECW authenticity we have an impromptu match.
ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Rene Dupree (Are There Any Black French Guys?)
Exchange of punches and Dupree sneaks to the outside but gains control when he comes back in.  He puts a rear lock on him but Lashley picks him up for an electric chair drop, followed by a delayed suplex.  One Whiplashley late r and this one is over.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
You can vote now and the winner will be revealed tonight.  Guess this proves it’s a live show, doesn’t it?  I just voted for Sabu since like Cyber Sunday/Taboo Tuesday I vote for the one least likely to win.
After a commercial, Brad Armstrong has joined Joey and Tazz on commentary for the next match.  This one will be between two tri-state area guys in Matt Striker and Balls Mahoney.
Matt Striker vs. Balls Mahoney (It’s Time for Recess on My Balls)
Balls attacks quickly with some rights and a headbutt.  Striker comes back with a ki ck to the face and he uses the tights to send Balls to the turnbuckle.  He takes off his shirt but the ref takes it away and while not looking uses the tape on his wrist to choke Balls.  Mahoney gets up and hits a series of clotheslines then some Teabagging.  Striker tries to stop it with a kick to the cash and prizes but Balls catches his foot and then hits the big punch.  He then goes to the top and lands right on his ass.  Striker then hits the Golden Rule (although I missed what exactly it was) and gets the pin.
Winner: Matt Striker
Test is backstage talking about why he is so great.  For some reason his face is a different color then the rest of his body.  That’s like if you’re creating a wrestler in the video game of your choice and decide to put a white man’s head on a black man’s body (hey that’s a good way to get ahead in the world and still have a huge penis!).  Main event tonight is a triple threat between the three guys we have a choice to vote for.
Hey did you know there was a pay per view last weekend?  You can order a replay this week if you really feel like you missed something.  Of course they don’t give a discount or anything, jerks.
After a commercial, RVD is talking about how things were so good last summer when he was champion then he fucked it up by getting pulled over.  OK maybe he wasn’t THAT honest.
Hardcore Holly is in the ring and they show a clip from last week’s match.  Holly wants to clear up an ugly rumor from last week; he only sent an OVW guy to the hospital and didn’t kill him.  Actually it was the fact he tapped out when it wasn’t part of the actual match.  He calls out CM Punk because he doesn’t think he can do it in an actual match.  Punk’s music hits and he enters the ring.  Holly says he only gets three minutes to make him tap.  Boy they really miss Kurt Angle don’t they?
Hardcore Holly vs. CM Punk (Sparkplug Invitational Match)
Nothing really exciting happens the first minute, in the second minute Punk gets close to locking in the Anaconda Vice but is unsuccessful and in the third minute Holly hits a suplex and then puts on an Orton lock.  Punk breaks it and hits a suplex and then just as time expires tries to lock it in but can’t.  Holly attacks him anyway and hits the Alabama Slam.
Winner: Umm, I guess Holly since he didn’t tap?
Shannon Moore is talking on his cell phone and walks into Daivari and gets him upset.  He then challenges him to a match.
Commercial Comment: During the little clip of where ECW will be in the next couple of weeks, they said “Hershey gets extreme”.  Apparently Kit Kat will be facing Twizzlers and Reese’s P ieces in a Three Way Candy Ass Dance.
Shannon Moore is in the ring, and Daivari comes out speaking gibberish, or it might be a language.  Khali is with him of course.  And oh no, he’s the one who is wrestling.
Not So Great Khali vs. “The Reject” Shannon Moore (Please Allow Me to Vomit)
Khali decimates Moore until Tommy Dreamer shows up to cause a DQ.
Winner by DQ: Not So Great Khali
Dreamer tries to hit Khali with a chair but it gets punched out of his hands.  He then chokeslams him on the hollow steel steps.  Khali carries Daivari on his shoulde rs like a caveman would his woman.  Maybe he’s going to have some roast duck with mango salsa.  Dreamer is getting medical attention while some idiot in the crowd screams “UMAGA!”  A clip of Sabu is shown but they don’t have a backstage interview with him.  Gee I wonder why.
Commercial Comment: In case you haven’t heard, Kane is in a movie and it’s on DVD.  Funny thing is, the only way you wouldn’t know is if you never watch WWE television.
We get to see the clip of Mike Knox’s apology again which was great for two reasons.  One he hit the Hard Knox on her, and two it kept her off TV last week.  Knox is shown backstage and Styles asks him what he has to say for himself.  He says people shouldn’t feel bad for Kelly, they should feel bad for him (yeah really, I feel bad you’re on such a bad show).
Sabu makes his entrance, followed by Test, and then Rob Van Dam.  We are now ready for our main event.
Sabu vs. Test vs. Rob Van Dam (An Arabian, Canadian, and a Pothead Walk Into a Bar…Ouch)
All three guys are on the outside as we come back from commercial.  RVD gets back in and tries a monkey flip but gets caught.  Rob breaks out and hits a flying body press.  He then goes to the top again but Test pushes hi m off and goes head first into the ring barrier which elicits a big “holy shit” chant.  Sabu is now in and tries going to the top but Test hits the ropes so he falls on them.  Just as Test goes for a superplex, RVD catches him and ends up doing a power bomb on both of them.  Sabu is now bleeding from the mouth.  Rob goes for a pin but only gets two.  RVD and Sabu team up on Test and hit their version of Poetry in Motion.  Clothesline from the second rope connects from Sabu then Rolling Thunder from RVD.  Test is clotheslined over the top and Sabu goes to work on RVD hitting a pair of springboard clotheslines.  RVD then cat ches Sabu trying to hit a kick and drops him on the ropes and kicks him from the top.  He then hits the Five Star but Test throws RVD out and gets the pin himself.
Tazz goes to the ring to reveal who won the vote.  Sabu gets a minimal reaction, Test gets boos and RVD gets a moderate pop.  The final vote ends up as:
RVD 45%
Sabu  37%
Test   18%
That was a lot closer than I expected.  After RVD celebrates a bit, he gets a boot to the face.  Test walks off and Sabu shakes RVD hand as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment: Umm, was there anything?  Well we didn’t have to put up with Kelly again.  Wow, who would have thought she would start a streak on the other side?
Not So Extreme Moment: They remembered there are more than six guys on the roster and they just get squashed.
You’ll have to hit the archives now, but the previous recap of this show was only posted a couple days ago if you didn’t have a chance to read it (stupid rescheduling ruined my Saturday night).  Other than that, check out all the same good stuff you can always find here at the Fan.  Stay tuned for the year end Fanny awards which are coming soon to this very website.  Next week, we have the best of ECW.  That’s an oxymoron isn’t it?  Now hit my music!


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).