Anywho! Welcome to the first annual DECEMBER TO DISMEMBER, from that old ECW stronghold ofAugusta, Georgia! Yes folks, it’s the WWE’s special way of supporting the amputation of limbs, all month long! (Stop the spread of gangrene.. grab a knife!) You know, a lot of people have been complaining about the card, saying only two matches have been properly built up, but I beg to differ! I mean, considering the name of the event, I whole-heartedly expect a War-Amp Battle Royal (where only ONE foot has to touch the floor, for obvious reasons), and maybe even a Zach Gowen run(hobble?) in! Though, I do have one complaint… it’s common knowledge that these PPVs cost an arm and a leg, but this is ridiculous!

Ahh, that was horrible. Oh, and by the way:

One week of build and this is the second most heated match of the evening. But, if you ask me, the story writes itself… I mean, it’s the battle of the recently re-united tag teams that split up because one of the members was addicted to drugs and now they’re clean wink wink! Man, if that’s not ECW, I don’t know what is. (And come on… it’s not like there’s a chance Pitbull #2 will be around anytime soon…)

Sure, on paper, “MNM” stands for “Mercury, Nitro, Melina” but I have a few other suggestions:

Mercury, Not Mathews!

(It’s at this point when I realized I only had that, so I came up with a bunch of shitty ones, such as:

Melina Nailed MDAVE

(It’s at this point when I realized I only had that shitty one, so I just started piecing words together)

Much Needed Margaritas

Marginally Necessary Milli-Vanilli

(Alright, so that wasn’t nearly as funny as I had planned. Shut the fuck up, will you?)

I should mention that we’ve got a pretty decent old-school tag team match going on. The story is that the Hardys are clicking as a team, but Melina gives her boys the advantage right at the right moment, preventing any more high-risk double-teams. But you knew that already, right?

However, I’ll bet you didn’t know that Joey Mercury went into the Wellness Program, not for steroids or painkillers, but for BEING FUCKING MERCURY. But hey, it explains all the liver problems in the WWE. (Incase you didn’t know, oxidized mercury (mercury oxide (II)) is a highly dangerous gas that, when saturated in air va… oh, fuck it, you don’t give a shit)

Quick thought: If Matt cuts his wrists, does Jeff try to inject heroin in the wounds? TWIST OF FATE LOL!!1

Alright, I’m not going to lie, this match is actually pretty damn good. There’s been a load of cool spots, such as a double wheelbarrow suplex, tons of dives to the outside, a double flipping neckbreaker, a demolition decapitation, and more. However, because YOU’RE a cheap bastard, I’m not going to do them any justice, and instead, I’ll make some tasteless remarks about each team. That’ll teach you for spending your money on food!

Oh, Jeff got hit with the Snapshot, but Matt made the save, allowing Jeff to land a Swanton onto both Candy-Coated men for the win. Excellent match that you didn’t get to see, you penny-pinching SON OF A BITCH.

Winners: Hardly Boys (seeing as they’re both pushing 30..)

Match Rating: Seeing as this is an EXTREME PPV, I figured I’d give these matches an EXTREME rating scale… so on an integer scale from 0 to 1, I give this match an EXTREME 1!!!

Backstage, RVD warned kids about the dangers of marijuana, saying “Big Show Title Reigns: My Anti-Drug”. Well, no, he actually talked about the dangers of the chamber, but I my version was funnier, so I went with it. Clearly.

Matt Striker came out and did the unthinkable.. INSULTED THE CROWD! He called out Balls Mahoney, and challenged him to a “Striker’s Rules” match, which included such restrictions as no moves from the top rope. Man, what kind of fucking bushleague promotion would do that?

Matt Striker VS Balls Mahoney, Striker’s Rules

Striker Balls? But I barely know her!

The match starts off with BALLS MAHONEY OUTWRESTLING MATT STRIKER. I know he may not be on Chris Benoit-like levels, but I’d like to think that Matt Striker can outwrestle a dude who use to use a stiff chair shot as a finisher. I mean, it’d be like taking the Pepsi Challenge, and saying Drano tastes better.

Striker uses his hands, arms and anything else he can think to works Balls over, whether it be on the ground or standing up. He targets the head, which has some visible swelling. However, due to the sheer girth of Balls, (not to mention to obscene amount of sweat), Balls mounts a comeback and begins to unleash some stiff thrusts to the face. Balls tries to get on top, but Striker gives him a low blow, and Balls is unable to get up for a long time. Don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys. Striker tries to juice Balls, but Balls still has some life left in him and explodes with a load of new moves, often catching Striker from behind. In the end, Balls stays on top for three seconds for the win.

Winner: Balls Mahoney

Rating: An EXTREME 0!!!

Backstage, CM Punk prepares for the chamber, by doing one hindu squat for every female wrestler he’s ever fucked. CM Punk is in the best shape of his life.

Elsehwere backstage, EMT’s were taking care of business Sabu. Paul Heyman arrived, just to say “FUCK Sabu!”. Well, no, but he should have. He really, really, should have. So yes – Sabu is out of the main event. I’ll talk about this later, but for right now, this pisses me of a lot simply because I can’t use Sean’s awesome “HIGHlanders” picture now.. or can I?

Ha! Yes! I can! Awesome!

Dark Terkay (Elijah Burke & Sylvester Terkay) VS The Italian Job Squad (Tony Mamaluke & Little Guido) w/Trinity

Is there any man in wrestling who’s more ridiculous than Sylvester Terkay? I mean, seriously, he looks like a bear and his name is a combination of a cartoon cat and delicious poultry. Big Show is to the kitchen as Terkay is to the the Zoo.

By the way, instead of Trinity, I think the FBI should have come to the ring with Mussolini. If ANYONE is an “Original Extremist”, it’s that guy.

Ok, do I really need to recap this? The FBI hasn’t won a match since ECW debuted on Sci-Fi, and the WWE has a hard on for big scary dudes with managers. So instead, it’s James Walker Story Time!

Date: Halloween, 2006.

So me and my roommates wanted to have a Halloween party. However, due to the amount of people wanting to attend the festivities, and the lack of space in our apartment, we couldn’t hold it here… so we called a friend who lives in a big house, and asked if we could use his place. He agreed.

Oh, I was also dressed as a pirate:

Anywho. We get there, and I begin to drink. A lot. We’re talking, like, 40 oz of rum. I’m an absolute tank.

So, as the inebriation becomes more intense, I begin talking to more people, and I become exceedingly friendly with a lot of the women there. And magically I find myself alone on a couch with a girl. Not just any girl, oh no. But the girlfriend of the friend who’s been nice enough to let us use his house for the party.

Now, I won’t let you in on the dirty details, but it should be noted that:

I was heavily intoxicated

She wasn’t

I was single

She wasn’t

So, I think it’s fair to say that SHE took advantage of ME. Never the less, her boyfriend SAW this going on, and didn’t do anything about it, aside from walk away.

Yeeah… I’m not really welcome there anymore.

Anywho, the aftermath: I woke up the next morning, very hung over, and threw up in a bathroom at my university. He refuses to speak my name, and she can’t look me in the eye.

Hey, look, Terkay landed a Muscle Buster on Guido, to some light TNA chants, for the win. Neat!

Winner: Elijah Burke & Sylvester Terkay

Rating: Instead of 0 or 1, I’m going to rate this match an EXTREME BLACK! Cuz, you know.. black or white… har…

Backstage, CM Punk and RVD watch Sabu get taken away to a hospital medical facility. It’s an EXTREME bait and switch!

It should be noted that this event didn’t even come close to selling out – I’m not sure on the final numbers, but as of a few days ago, they’d only sold 1700 EXTREME tickets. This means, of course, that they used some EXTREME tarps to cover the EXTREME upper levels, after they gave away some tickets to some EXTREME people walking around in the EXTREME area.

THE MAN IN THE BOX VS ALAYELEAYLEYLALALEYLAH (w/RAAARRRRGH)

Tommy gets a big pop coming out, but Daivari gets no love. Why aren't people cheering Daivari? I mean, sure, Tommy Dreamer represents the Original ECW Extremists, but Daivari represents the Original Al-Queda Extremists! JI-HA-DUB! JI-HA-DUB!

Early on, Khali gets kicked out for interfering. How very EXTREME!

You know, I can’t help but to shake my head as Daivari, all decked out in sparkly red pants, dominates Tommy Fucking Dreamer in a rest hold. (I guess Daivari didn’t want to blow up…). I mean, I understand that this isn’t the original ECW, and that they have to push new stars, but can’t Tommy at least look like a threat? It’s like security guards letting a dude with a gun get into the White House because they’re too busy keeping an eye out for some guy with nukes.

.. Alright, so maybe I just wanted to make a Daivari – Nuke joke. Whatever.

Tommy mounts a comeback, and the crowd is into it! ECW chants surround the building! The fans are loving it! And… Tommy gets rolled up. Oh. Well then. This show cannot get any worse.

Winner: Daivari

Match Rating: 2 (towers)/5

After the match, Khali returned, to powerbomb Tommy Dreamer on the steel stage. Man, he could have KILLED him! … Alright, I know, that joke has been done. Still applies, damn it.

Backstage, Heyman said that Sabu was out of the Chamber, and Holly was in. Ooh, that’s smart… take one of your biggest bumpers, selling points, and intriguing factors out of the match, and replace him with BOB HOLLY. That’s like trading in your Porsche for a bicycle, because the Porsche is a pain in the ass to find tires for. Oh, this also means that the Sandman/Holly match is off. You know, while that match wasn’t going to be much to write home about, not having The Sandman wrestle on your PPV, when he’s the ONLY GUY ON YOUR POSTER is fucking ridiculous. I’m not even going to bother to come up with a moderately clever analogy for this, because I’m really getting pissed off at this show now.

Oh, by the way, I’d like to mention that they’ve been editing the shit out of the crowd chants tonight. There’s been TNA chants, Bullshit chants, We Want Hardcore chants, and probably a lot more. Censorship on an ECW PPV? This show cannot get any worse.

Mike Knox & Kelly Kelly VS Kevin Thorn & Ariel

Before the match starts, Kelly gets on the stick and wishes Punk good luck in the chamber, as Mike Knox scowls. Kelly is so dumb, she probably doesn’t even realize that this is a storyline. Or her job.

Well, on the plus side, Ariel is fucking hot. On the down side, when you actually see her naked, you realize that those aren’t sand dollars you’re looking at.

Y’ok. So you guys know, I don’t have anything funny to say about this match. I mean, vampire jokes get old, Mike Knox is more boring than Steven Wright reading War & Peace, and I’m saving all my Kelly jokes for when Test is in the chamber. So instead, I’m going to offer you guys the trailer for the BEST FILM EVER: HINDI FIGHT CLUB.

Seriously guys, watch the shit out of that. I watched the actual movie the other day, and I never ever ever thought that someone could mangle Fight Club as bad as these guys did. There was 4 obscenely long music videos, 3 ridiculous love stories, and a minimal tie to the original plot. It was 2 and a half hours of a bastardized remake of a great original product, all in a pathetic attempt to make money off of a name that is generally loved. Hmm… seem familiar?

Ok, so Kelly bumped worse than peanut butter, and Knox ditched her, leaving her prey to an Ariel STO for the 3 count. Yep.

Winners: Kevin Thorn and Ariel

Match Rating: I’m going to give this match a 1, JUST because Mike Knox actually grew a pair. I suppose I should give this match a two, but this is my EXTREME scale, so fuck off.

Tazz called Knox a “son of a bitch” for ditching Kelly like that. Yeah! How DARE a guy get pissed off at his girlfriend publically professing her love for a different man on many occasions! WHAT A JACKASS.

After the match, Team Suck beats down Kelly, until Sandman makes the save. Hey, didn’t he cane the shit out of Kelly a few months ago? Continuity don’t mattuuuh.

We then cut to MICHAEL COLE PIMPING ARMAGEDDON. Jesus Christ. Michael Cole on an ECW PPV? This show can’t get any worse.

Backstage, Rebecca interviews Lashley and such. You know, I’ve heard a lot of people complaining about Rebecca’s complete and total lack of, well, talent, but I think it’s a brilliant move. I mean, this girl can make Bobby Lashley look like the Rock & Hulk Hogan’s love child in terms of charisma. The WWE: We Make Mediocre Look Less Mediocre.

Paul Heyman came down to the ring, and cut a promo pimping his main event. Shut the fuck up, Paul, we already bought this piece of shit. I mean, seriously. They did an shit-ass job in building to this PPV, when they could have been doing it for the last six damn months. I mean, imagine if other people tried this:

"Yeah, we here at Microsoft have a new operating system coming out. ... No, we won't tell you if it works. Fuck off!"

"Give money to Mike. He works for.. unicef. Yeeeeahh... unicef... *cackle*"

“Vote Joe Smith for president. He has an agenda. And plans. Good plans. Really! You’ll see!”

“Eat at Subway, Motherfucker!”

Anywho, Heyman says that while Hulkamania will die with Hulk Hogan, ECW will live after Heyman is dead. Huh… I guess that means Heyman is going to get run over by a bus after the show, because ECW has about as much life left in it as the Flat Earth theory. He also claimed that the era of Sandman, Sabu, and RVD is over, and it’s time for ECW to take a new direction… lead by THE BIG SHOW! Yeah, that’s like having a sitcom starring Stephen Hawking.

Elimination Chamber: Rob Van Dam VS Hardcore Holly VS CM Punk w/ a steel chair VS Test w/a crowbar (not this)VS Bobby Lashley w/a table VS The Big Show w/a barbed wire bat, ECW Heavyweight Championship

You know, Paul Heyman is probably the only jew I’ve ever known that WILLINGLY sends people into an elimination chamber. Hell, I’m surprised one of the weapons in this match isn’t Mustard Gas. Though, if it was, I’m sure Big Show would eat it. On an EXTREME hot dog.

Y’ok, a quick run down on the rules: Each dude in the pod has a weapon, and they come into the match 5 minute apart. Once you’re in, you’re booked to look like a moron, unless you’re over 300 lbs. Got it? Good!

RVD and Holly start the match off, as implied in my match title when they don’t have weapons. See? I’m smart like that. I get the gold star.

So RVD and Holly hop around, with RVD showing he has his working boots on tonight. They go at it for a few minutes, until RVD lands a nifty rolling thunder on the steel, over the ropes. I wish I had something funny to say.

Enter… CM Punk.

Punk came in with the chair, and clocked Holly, but ate a Van Damninator. Punk and RVD displayed some awesome chemistry, which Bob Holly had to interrupt with his 1999 brawling. It should be noted that RVD has a nasty cut above his eye. Punk and RVD work together on Holly, and I just can’t stop laughing at the irony. If they ever form a serious tag team, I insist that they’re called The Geometry Set: Straight Edge & Protractor.

Enter… Test.

You know, I really want Test & CM Punk to feud over how many unattainable women they’ve fucked. And seeing as Vince is looking to hire 10 to 15 “super hot” women to jiggle around, I think these two could have a Sexual Ironman Match. First one to tap 5 times wins!

But really, what do women see in these guys? Punk looks like a bug-eyed hobo who steals a dinner roll from the 7 year old orphan during the soup kitchen’s Thanksgiving dinner, and Test looks goofier than fucking Goofy. Though, I guess that for Test to obtain women like Kelly and Stacy, his face must not be the only thing that’s horse-like.

Oh, RVD did the skateboard dropkick to Punk, and landed the 5 star on him to eliminate him. It’s here when the IWC implodes, for one of their darlings just eliminated their only other darling in the match. It’d be like the British attacking American troops on D-Day for that Tea Party shit.

RVD climbed onto Big Show’s pod, but Big Show held his foot, allowing Test to land a stiff chair shot, and suplex him all the way into the ring, in a cool spot. He then laid a chair over his face, and landed a huge elbow drop from the top of a pod, eliminating RVD. You know… that spot would have been SO much cooler if it wasn’t TEST ELIMINATING RVD FOR THE SECOND PPV IN A ROW. This show cannot get any worse.

The crowd has officially dropped a big log of shit on this match. Either that, or a TNA chant. Same difference.

Oh, and because Holly & Test are there to protect Big Show, Test just eliminated Holly with by dismembering his head with a boot (although the referee only counted two). I’m not even trying to sort the logic out on this one anymore.

Paul Heyman’s security force (AKA  We’re too ugly to be seen on TV) prevented Lashley from entering the chamber.. for 20 seconds, as he awkwardly flopped his table around to break the lock. Well, at least he didn’t Mark Henry it. … sadly, that’s one of the biggest compliments I can give this PPV…

Lashley came in, exploded some pods by throwing THIS IS A (pregnancy) TEST into em, and speared him to eliminate him. The positive: Test won’t be the next ECW champion. The negative: Test lasted longer than RVD and CM Punk. Sigh.

As Lashley awaited the entry of Big Show, he threw a chair and a table at the pod. I just realized that the WWE has a black man in a cage, acting like a savage. Maybe Michael Richards wasn’t so bad after all.

Enter… The Big Show.

Show came out, ready to use his bat, but Lashley was all like “NU UH BITCH” and beat him down. Lashley tried to get the crowd into the match, but the fans gave him, at best, a mixed reaction. Hosstacular offence, but Lashley reverses a chokeslam with a DDT. Lashley spears Big Show, and that’s that.

Winner, and NEW ECW Champion: My Nigga.

Match Rating: Zero. Motherfucking Zero.

The PPV ends with 40 minutes left. Thankfully, this show cannot get worse.

Show Highlight: Easily, this one goes to the opening tag match. Excellent stuff here by both teams, and they worked their asses off. Probably the best WWE tag team match this year. It’s just funny that the best match on the card featured NO ECW wrestlers.

Show Lowlight: Alright folks. Rant time.

It’s impossible to say one thing was the worse than all the rest on this PPV. Just about EVERYTHING sucked. In no particular order, I hated:

-The bait and switch with Sabu

-Hardcore Holly in my main event

-Sandman not even in a fucking match

-The complete lack of hardcore wrestling, until the main event

-The weapons in the main event served VERY little purpose

-Mike Knox being made out to look like a heel for growing a set of balls

-Tommy Dreamer losing to a god damned school boy

-RVD and CM Punk, your only over guys in the main event, being eliminated first, so the fans cheer Bobby Lashley by default

-Test eliminating Holly, for no good reason except to receive an ass kicking.

-The fact I paid money for this

Seriously, worst PPV I’ve seen in a long ass time. When one of the biggest positives is that Test isn’t your champion, you know you just produced a enormous turd.

Overall show thoughts: To sum my feelings up, this PPV was so incredibly bad, I’m forced to believe that the WWE is purposely botching this ECW venture so they can finally kill it. Just about EVERY golden rule of booking was broken here, and there are no signs of the company fixing it. Thumbs emphatically down.

THIS PPV WAS FUCKING HORRIBLE.