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ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(August 2008 Archives.)

August 05, 2008
August 12, 2008
August 19, 2008


Welcome back my friends, to the show that never ends.  Though I wish it would sometimes.  I come to you with news – you can decide if it’s good or bad.  See, I’m going to be moving in the coming weeks.  Not far or anything, but depending on whether or not Comcast decides to be slow with installing my Internet, you might not see my incredibly well written and hilarious weekly report.  Just something to be on the look out for.  I figure if I let it sink in now, you might not end up doing a swan dive onto concrete, you know, from the SHEER DEVESTATION.


Only one more thing to vent on before the show, and that’s this year’s Summerslam.  DEAR GOD IT LOOKS SO HORRIBLE.   I like how they’re calling it the biggest blockbuster of the summer, because, you see, a blockbuster is a kind of bomb.  Which is what this PPV has a strong chance of being.  A big, steaming, bomb.  Three “marquee” matches stand out to me as particularly awful.  Outside of these three, I have no objections.  Hell in a cell will be awesome as usual, Santino/Beth & Kofi/Mickie will both be good and hilarious, and everything else will do their job.  Now, the matches that will be the equivalent of opening the Ark of the Covenant…


Triple H Vs.  The Great Khali:  Who the fuck thought this had “money match” written on it?  Khali has no credibility at this point, sorry Indians.  I can’t add anything onto this that you don’t already know.  I assume Trips is trying to outdo every over superstar ever, and in this case, it’s Cena (pretty much the only guy that got a passable match out of this oaf).  Please, PLEASE boo this match out of the building.


CM Punk Vs. JBL:  Let me make it simple.  Hey, did you like that match where CM Punk had his first title defense against JBL and won?  Well then, YOU’LL LOVE IT WHEN YOU HAVE TO PAY $50 TO SEE IT AGAIN!  I am surprise no one brought this up.  We’ve seen this match for free only about a month ago!


John Cena Vs. Batista:  OK, this one might not be about the match itself.  I figure it’ll be decent.  My problem is the build.  Fun Fact:  Both of John Cena’s tag title reigns have been used as props to build a big match with his tag partner.  Funner Fact:  Both reigns are about 18 months apart.  So, that’s right.  They’re doing the SAME EXACT STORYLINE not even two years apart.  Who did not notice this?  Their victory over Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase last night has been quite the hot topic of debate.  Hell, take a look over at the WrestleCrap forums, as there’s such a debate over it all, you’d think a president was getting elected soon or something!  Actually, on second thought, don’t.  I don’t want to feel responsible for the average IQ of a human dropping about 30 points.  I’ll just give my opinion on the matter, and put it to rest, because my opinion is more important than yours.  Rhodes and DiBiase weren’t buried last night (as I hear that phrase thrown around like people have stock in its usage), as they kept pace in a pretty good match with two of the hottest stars in the WWE.  What bothers me is simply the shitty booking of it all.  You have the ex-champs building themselves up week after week as a dominant tag team, only to lose with no build-up whatsoever.  Kind of ruins their reputation, doesn’t it?  Also, why do Batista and Cena need the belts?  To build a match they’re going to have in two weeks?  Then what?  It all seems so…short-sighted.  Looking past how this angle has been done to death, you’re essentially doing more harm than good in getting this match going.  It’s Batista and Cena.  What else do you need?  One of them to go heel?  Yeah, not happening, deal with it.


So yeah, no bullshit, Summerslam is going to suck.  You can always give me $50 to come over to your house and kick you in the balls.  The end result is the same, but my way’s quicker.  Let’s get this show over with.



Still standing here in Atlanta!  And the announce position shenanigans continue, with Tard Grisham still going strong (well, strong is the only word I can think of right now…) and Matt Striker filling in for Taz, for this week only.  I hope.  Well, it beats getting your ass kicked by Kane I suppose.  Anyway we get right into our first match and it’s:


Chavo Guerrero and BAM NEELY Vs. Evan Bourne and Ricky Ortiz


Hmm, actually Matt is proving me wrong right off the bat, with both fairly obscure wrestling trivbits, along with pointing out the delicious irony of BAM NEELY being a former border patrol agent (Kayfabe people!), and now is the bodyguard of Chavo.  Kudos, teacher.


This match is going at a hella fast pace, and for what he can do, BAM does make his hits look painful.  So he’s not completely useless.  I think.  Ortiz plays the babyface in peril for this match, with most of the match being him getting his ass kicked by the heels.  Eventually, Ricky gets the hot-ish tag to Evan, and Bourne unleashes his no-hands offense on BAM.  Evan plants NEELY with his double knee press (not M. Bison’s, though how cool would it be if Evan Bourne busted out a Psycho Crusher on his opponents?  Food for thought), but the ensuing pin is broken up by Chavo.  Ortiz finally does something in this match, tossing Chavo (and himself, proving he can’t do that simple move right either) out of the ring, letting Evan sneak a rollup for three.


Winner:  Evan Bourne and Ricky Ortiz


What stood out:  Probably a good decision, this match was very, very quick.  Oh, and small men bailing out their teammate’s giant uncoordinated ass amuses me to no end.  It’s like the big guys don’t have talent or something!



Run and hide!  Mike Knox promo!  Thankfully, not as Tyson-esque in pitch this week, he essentially channels the IWC once again, noting that Finlay has become a fucking Goddamn joke lately.  Maybe with less swearing.  This, of course, brings out Team Irish, and Finlay’s looking pretty pimp.  Until he takes his sport jacket off, then for some reason I thought I saw Pat Patterson in the ring.  Let me tell you, and old gay man is not what I want infiltrating my mind.  I might have to go take a shower right now, just because I feel so dirty.  Oh yeah, the promo.  Finlay goads Knox into taking a swing at him, and the caveman takes a walk.  Well, that was pointless.



Recap of last night’s main event debacle.  I’ve made my peace with this one.  Moving on.



Armando Estrada Vs. Tommy Dreamer, Armando’s ass is gone if he loses


I may have inaccurately transcribed the stipulations of the match.  Tommy actually got a decent pop when he came out.  Who knew winning once this year was all he needed to break the glass ceiling?


It’s all Tommy in this match, hitting all of the usual spots.  I think, up until the finish, Armando got about a neckbreaker in, and that’s about it.  Anyway, Dreamer has Armando set up in the tree of woe, but out comes Colin Delaney to be a general drain on society.  First, he tries to grab a chair, but Tommy spots him and shuts that shit down.  Next, he hops up on the apron, but all he gets is a faceful of steel post.  Apparently Colin’s special power is to drain the energy of people beating the shit out of him, because Armando sneaks in with the laziest schoolboy for the three.


Winner:  Armando Estrada


What stood out:  The collective groan of Armando winning.  I believe that’s what the smarky folks call X-Pac Heat.  Also, Tommy got a few respectable cheers.  Did I miss the part where losing constantly gets you over?



Backstage, Colin and Armando have a little walk down memory lane, when Teddy Long pretty much pops into frame, makes Tommy versus Colin in Extreme Rules for next week, then disappears.  Black Ninja Teddy Long?  Sounds awesome to me.  That’s what I’d say, before being laughed out of Stamford.



Recap of SmackDown now, consisting only of the end segment.  Granted, said ending segment was like one sixth of the entire show, but surely the Great Khali and MVP’s grueling victories count for something?  The ending was good though.  Shame Vince opened his yap one time too many and SD might be paying the price as a result.



Braden Walker Vs. James Curtis


Man, there is nothing exciting about this guy.  Even his ring music is boring.


Walker and Curtis exchange some basic moves, as crickets fill the arena.  I honestly feel sorry for the guy, considering he was a force for a long-ass time in TNA.  Now?  He’s about 1 step above complete jobber territory.  Notice how I’m not talking about what’s going on in the match much.  That’s because damn near nothing is happening.  Curtis gets a brief flurry of offense, but Walker hits a clothesline and a slow-mo fisherman’s suplex for the win.


Winner:  Braden Walker


What stood out:  Hear about that announcement that ECW’s going to be an hour earlier soon?  Man, I can’t wait.  At least when stinkers like this come on, I’ll get an extra hour of sleep on Tuesday nights.  Was Chris Harris always this boring?  If so, that might be a testament to how good James Storm is, because America’s Most Wanted sure seemed like an awesome tag team to me.



Ok, let’s see how this goes when they don’t have the Internet to protect them.  DIRT SHEET LIVE ON ECW!  And they get some scattered boos right off the bat.  And silence.  Lots and lots of silence.  Obviously, the guests of Mark Henry and Matt Hardy are fake, doing the old moving mouth over existing pictures trick. And it’s actually pretty funny, managing to get a few laughs from the crowd in the process.  There’s a lot of good points in this one, namely how Mark gets sweaty from doing nothing, along with needing a belt extender to fit the title around his waist.  I did not notice this before.  This brings out Mark Henry and Mushmouth, which of course the ex-champs quickly suck up to avoiding a beating of tortoise-like proportions.  They then switch gears to Matt Hardy, which gets decidedly less of a reaction from the crowd.  Of course, this brings Hardy out.  Hardy actually cuts the promo of a lifetime here, pointing out how they were ripping off Conan O’Brien’s shtick, and obligatory gay jokes.  The difference?  He doesn’t sound nearly as awkward as he usually does on the stick.  Good for him.  Miz and Morrison try to strike, but an errant punch hits Mizark instead.  So the In crowd is quickly sent packing by the champ and the #1 contender, leading to the stare down.  Just like last week.  Glad to see we’re getting somewhere here.  THE END.



Uppers:  The crowd, for one.  Either I didn’t notice when ECW became compelling television, or they’re on a roll of going to venues where the fans give a damn.   Either way, the crowd was pretty on point tonight, and that made the show as a whole better.  Also, I made little mention of it, so I’ll say it here.  Matt Striker was fantastic on commentary.  Essentially, there was a smaller and younger JBL on the headset tonight.  Taz comes back, Striker assists on commentary, and Grish pisses off. The world would be a better place, guaranteed.  Finally, the live Dirt Sheet had its moments, so if you didn’t see it, go youtube it or something.  You’ll be entertained.  Don’t mind the prolonged silence though.  Those guys are assholes.


Downers:  The matches tonight were pretty sucktastic.  The opener could’ve gone a few extra minutes, but as it was, it was only “meh.”  Armando sucks, Braden sucks, and both of their matches knocked my ass out from sheer boredom.  Considering that the matches were the only redeeming factor of ECW in the past, this is a pretty awful trend.  I do not desire to be entertained by Tony Atlas and Miz talking!  I desire to see men in underwear roll around in various homoerotic maneuvers!  I am straight!


Overall:  Remember that whole New Talent Initiative thing they had going for a couple weeks?  If it’s done, I think we can call it a bust, no?  If I knew all that would be born from it was Ricky Ortiz and Braden Walker, I’d go back in time right now (I’m an engineer, I can make a time machine) with an eggbeater and go to town on ECW’s vagina.  It exists, and I’ve seen it.  Don’t doubt me.



I’m Neil McGilloway, and assuming I’m not fired, or Comcast sucks, ‘til next week.



Only one matter to touch on this week.  There was a fucking BLOODBATH all over the entertainment industry this past week!  I mean, just ask the cast of Soul Men.  Oh, wait, you can’t – they’re all dead.  WWE got busy with the hatchet as well, taking down a whole mess of talent.  Let’s see who’s taking a trip to the local soup kitchen:


Braden Walker – Well, I can’t say I’m surprised, seeing how I’ve seen this guy’s entire WWE career…in the span of 4 weeks.  Thought he would have gotten more time before getting shitcanned myself.  Oh well, if he didn’t care enough to hit a damn treadmill before getting called up, I can’t bring myself to care enough about him not having a job.


James Curtis – AKA the MVP of ECW Jobbers, I laughed when noticing that half of the IWC had no clue who this guy is.  Tells you a lot about ECW, doesn’t it?  No big loss either, seeing how Michelle McTaker had to dress as a skanky teacher to get him even remotely over in the first place.


Nunzio – I personally found this to be a shame, because I always thought Little Guido was a fine hand in the ring.  Obviously though, no room for little guys in WWE!


Shannon Moore – Doomed when Jimmy Wang Yang got busted for the gas, as that was his only way of getting any recognition.  Also a shame, as he was quite the high flyer.  But his name isn’t Rey Mysterio, so he’s screwed.


Domino – OH!  He’s gone.  And I could care less, because, really, did he actually do any wrestling holds?  Maybe he can get a bit part in the Grease musical.


Big Daddy V – Well, I can certainly rejoice that I don’t have to worry about his lumbering ass stinking up MY ring anytime soon.  However, I heard they released him because of him being unhealthy.  Sucks for him if that’s true.  Of course, I can be wrong, seeing how I have zero credibility in the wrestling industry.  So, dry them tears!


Nick Patrick – A historical figure, to be sure, as who can forget his fast-but-not-really-count as the heel ref in Hogan/Sting at Starrcade ’97?  Come on, though.  He’s a wrestling referee.  You count, you flail your arms around, you yell, and you take a bump every so often.  How hard can it be?


All in all, it had to be done, because pretty much everyone on this list wasn’t getting used, and/or they were useless.  On the bright side, this is why unemployment and welfare are in place, people!  Your government taxes at work!  Let’s roll.



Still standing here in…Virginia?  Somewhere?  And the announce position still has the surprisingly talented Matt Striker standing in for Taz (probably permanently).  Right off the bat:


Tommy Dreamer Vs. Colin Delaney, Extreme Rules


Colin makes like a cheerleader in a horror movie as soon as the bell rings and stumbles trying to run away, but Tommy is all over that.  Dreamer wastes no time busting out all sorts of plunder, including a deadly WATER BOTTLE (The accessory to any aspiring King of Kings).  Tree of Woe dropkick with the assist from the trashcan gets a big time pop out of the crowd, and I approve.  Colin briefly turns it around, but misses his poor impression of the Arabian Skullcrusher using a stop sign.  Tommy quickly DDT’s his pasty ass on the sign for the quick win.


Winner:  Tommy Dreamer


What Stood Out:  Short but OK match.  What stood out was Tard Grisham constantly saying how Tommy was getting his revenge.  Why?  Didn’t he do that right after the last PPV when he schooled Colin then?  Or does he mean last week, when Tommy lost…again?  Not like he was on a Goldberg-like streak in the first place…



TO THE BACK with Lena Yada (Who apparently likes to pose near the elderly to make herself look prettier…do some research), who brings out Miz and Morrison, who then recap the live Dirt Sheet from last week, minus the long drawn out silences.  El Promo Generico follows, basically hyping their match against Mark Henry and Matt Hardy tonight.  Partners that can’t get along against an established team?  Never seen that before.  And CERTAINLY not last night.  No sir.



Recap of SmackDown, highlighting Edge doing his best Joker impression.  Vickie is so hated at this point no one could possibly get a heel reaction by doing bad things to her.  It’s just impossible at this point.  Edge might as well have “Put a smile on that face” because even televised mutilation would’ve gotten that crowd to pop for Edge.



Evan Bourne Vs. BAM NEELY w/ Chavo Guerrero


BAM finally gets his own TitanTron!  Sweet, sweet justice.  Also, Evan is billed from St. Louis.  Hey, just like Orton!  I wonder if he noticed him getting launched 300 feet from a motorcycle crash…at 30 mph…and only re-injuring his clavicle…and not, say, dying.  Yeah, that sounds very possible.


BAM goes to town right off the bat, with both him and Chavo selling their respective ass-kickings from last week.  Another reason I like Evan?  He makes this oaf look like a million bucks with his selling, looking like he got turned inside out with a clothesline.  BAM misses a knee drop, and that’s the beginning of the end.  Standing Moonsault, tornado DDT, and PPSSP win it.


Winner:  Evan Bourne


What Stood Out:  The commentary, again, seeing how this match was something we’ve all seen before.  Evan looks good, and I got no problem with this.  Apparently the PPSSP is now officially called Air Bourne (that band still sucks, AC/DC is so much better).  Oh also, did you know that Evan is 5’6” but can dunk on an NBA regulation basket?  I didn’t, and boy, my life is SO MUCH BETTER as a result.



To Teddy’s office, with Generic Blonde Tiffany being useless as usual (God woman, cook dinner or something), when Browntista busts in to get his new contract signed.  So Teddy signs it, and offers some Cristal as well.  Quickly, Armando is booked for a match against Finlay.  I was calling for a spit take here, but sadly, I was blue-balled on this one.  GBT proceeded to do nothing at all here, besides getting the drinks and glasses.  Good girl.  Maybe I’ll buy you a purse or something later.  All girls like those, right?



Finlay w/ Hornswoggle Vs. Armando Estrada


GREAT sign in the crowd:  “You are NOT extreme.”  Couldn’t have said it better myself.


The Irishman hands out potatoes right from the opening bell, and GOD I hate Hornswoggle’s laugh.  It haunts my dreams.  It’s Baby Mario’s cry levels of annoying at this point (video game reference quota for the week – FILLED!).  Armando has yet to hit a move in this match, which has consisted of only Finlay hitting Armando, and then locking in a nerve pinch.  A caveman suddenly appears on the ramp, which distracts Finlay long enough to hit a punch, and a chinlock.  Who’s bright idea was it for Armando to wrestle, really?  Armando manages to hit a clothesline or two as well, but Finlay rallies and it’s over from there.  Striker mistakenly calls Finlay’s finisher the Emerald Fusion (Yes, I realize that’s the actual move name, but WWE MOVE NAMES MUST BE USED!). 


Winner:  Finlay


What Stood Out:  Fuck Armando, and fuck Hornswoggle for ruining Finlay completely.  There, I said it.  Again.


Post-match, a VERY Irish kid (pale as hell and red hair, so just taking a wild guess on that one) gets in the ring to join in on the celebratory jig with Team Irish.  Boy, do I love TV-PG WWE.  Did I say fuck Hornswoggle already?  Oh well, I’ll say it again.  Fuck Hornswoggle.



More viewers watch RAW last night than Monday Night Football.  Was Monday Night Football even on last night?



Back with Teddy and GBT getting drunk, when Ricky Ortiz busts in for some never-ending shillage over merch.  Teddy then signs Ricky against “a new exciting superstar” for next week.  I’m already prepared to be disappointed.  I’m easy to please when my expectations are rock bottom, baby!  Oh, and GBT gets to speak, causing Teddy to look at her, in the “Why aren’t you making me a sandwich, bitch?” kind of way.



More backstage drama with white MH and black MH. And Mark gets to speak again?  Oh no, now Tony Atlas will be useless! Ahem.  More hype for the Main Event, nothing special.



John Morrison and The Miz Vs. Mark Henry and Matt Hardy


Matt Hardy does not win points with his attire, deciding on pink pants for this match.  Pink is an emo’s second favorite color, right?


Mizark starts off by tossing MNMT around the ring, stacking them up in the corner for the trademark Avalanche (of sweat).  Miz manages to dodge it and sneak up on Mark, but Hardy makes the save, and team MH tosses them out of the ring going into commercial.


Back from break, Morrison is still getting his ass kicked, but finally is able to tag out when Matt tanks on an elbow drop.  Not that it actually does any good, as it’s now Miz’s turn to get the shit kicked out of him.  The ex-champs finally take over on Hardy when he gets flung into the steel steps of perfect legality.  That always bothered me.  Just because the item remains in place, anything on the outside is fine?  Matt is able to turn it around with a Side Effect off the second turnbuckle, which…wins it?  The fuck?


Winner:  Mark Henry and Matt Hardy


What Stood Out:  When was the last time a Side Effect won a match?  Other than that, fine Main Event.  Everyone in the crowd was about as stunned as I was on this one though, because no one thought that was going to be the finish.  NO ONE.


Post-match, Mark Henry clears the ring of Miz and Morrison.  Sorry, boys, take your remaining credibility elsewhere.  Henry and Mushmouth help Hardy up, followed by a World’s Strongest Slam on the belt (apparently it’s made out of steel now, making it severely less in value than platinum.  Guess they realized platinum is more expensive than gold, and we can’t have the ECW title be better than the other two main titles, now can we?).  The gorilla warriors have a good chuckle as they walk up the ramp.  THE END.



Uppers:  On one hand, there were a good number of matches tonight, which were for the most part, short but entertaining.  The ECW match for SummerSlam got some good build via the main event, and for those five people that are ordering that PPV for the ECW match, well my friend, they are certainly not complaining.  It’s the go-home show before the PPV, so it should be all about the matches on that card, right?  Shame ECW always only gets one.


Downers:  On the other hand, all of the matches were pretty damn short.  I still hate Colin Delaney and Hornswoggle too.  Besides those two bringing the show down, that’s really all I have.


Overall:  Inoffensive show tonight, and I enjoyed myself.  I felt the strongest urge to rip this show to shreds, because looking back at last week, holy shit that show sucked.  But ECW turned on the sad puppy eyes this week, and I just couldn’t give this one the Old Yeller treatment.  Essentially, that’s the pattern of ECW.  When it’s bad, oh it’s bad.  But they seem to be able to bounce back the next week. 



I’m Neil McGilloway, and assuming I’m not fired, ‘til next week.


P.S.  En route to Casa Cornelius soon…and I think I have a good way to celebrate on here.  Stay tuned.  Please?



Jesus RAW sucked last night.  What else can be said?  I mean, really?  I’m…speechless to the amount of atrocities committed last night.  Vince should be tried as a war criminal after showing that last night.  The only saving grace was that crowd.  Do you see, people?  This is what happens when you make noise in the crowd.  The typically shitty matches actually seem to matter!  Imagine that!


Oh, and while I only heard of the ECW Title match at Summerslam, allow me to present an artist’s rendering:



Looks about right.


Still standing here in…Quad Cities?  The fuck is that?  Oh well, let’s get right into it.


John Morrison, The Miz, and Chavo Guerrero w/ BAM NEELY Vs. Evan Bourne, Super Crazy (?!), and Tommy Dreamer


Um…nice team?  Did they pick these guys out of a hat or something?


Morrison and Crazy start out, and boy, I forgot how good Super Crazy can be.  See, it’s easy to forget about someone who’s been doing non-stop jobs when not teaming with Jim Duggan on HEAT.  My bad, sorry.  Evan gets tagged in, and the faces clear the ring.  Soon after, Evan is getting a triple-teaming not seen since the likes of Bruce Allmeaty.  Who says wrestling inspires gaiety?  Quick armdrag allows Evan to score the tag to Dreamer, who goes to town on Miz.  After sending all of the heels to the outside, Dreamer plays springboard for Super Crazy to cross-body all of the heels on the outside.  Not to be outdone, Bourne hits an Asai Moonsault as they all get up.  Very nice sequence, which gets an “ECW” chant from the crowd.  Of course, this all proves pointless as the Miz just goes ahead and hits the Reality Check on Dreamer immediately after all of that to collect the pin.


Winner:  John Morrison, The Miz, and Chavo Guerrero


What stood out:  Really, I thought for once Dreamer wasn’t going to take the loss on that one.  I assumed that was the only reason why Super Crazy was out there.  Maybe they’re going to…do something with him?  GASP!  Also, BAM is even more useless than usual, because I don’t think he did anything out there besides catch flying overweight Mexicans and white midgets not named Hornswoggle.  Also also, this was a pretty damn good match for what it was.



After the break, next up is…


Ricky Ortiz Vs. Gavin Spears


NEW TALENT INITIATIVE IN ACTION!  Ok, from what I can gather, this guy’s Shawn Spears in the indies, and his pre-match promo goes right for the jugular on Ortiz, basically saying he has no talent.  Hard to argue that point.


Spears stays aggressive on Ortiz for most of the match, as I notice a fantastic sign in the crowd: “RICKY ORTIZ ECW UNDEFETED.”  Yay education!  Anyway, Ricky turns it around with a back elbow, dropkick, second rope shoulder block, and his finisher, THE BIG O.  It’s a damn Warrior splash, but in mid-air, he touches his hands to his feet behind his head, thus looking like…wait for it…a BIG O.  Still doesn’t change that a damn 1980’s finisher got the job done here.  Maybe he can use a leg drop next week?


Winner:  Ricky Ortiz


What stood out:  For a goof they just threw out there with no hype, Ortiz does get the mildest of cheers.  That’s actually a good thing, because I would expect crickets in this case.  He still sucks ass though.



Henry curls some weights in the back to prep for his match tonight.  Some guys oil up, but Mizark uses NATURAL STANK FOR THAT SHINE BABAY.  I’ll stop now.



For 2 weeks in a row, RAW beat Monday Night Football in the ratings!  I demand they put “preseason” in microprint.  At least then they can claim to be remotely honest.



Finlay and Hornswoggle are out now, showing off as much Shopzone merch as possible.  God, WWE, I hate you for what you’ve done to this man.  Though, I have to hand it to him, Finlay manages to pull off admitting he likes to dance around in the ring with children, not only with a straight face, but without the FBI rushing the ring to deport his ass back to Belfast!  Heh, that rhymed.  Kind of. After calling out Mike Knox, the caveman obliges, then pusses out.  Fuck you, Mike.  Cavemen don’t back down from shit.  Finlay then attacks Mike, leading to a handful of festively dressed stagehands pulling the two apart.  Apparently it was Casual Tuesdays backstage, because I could’ve sworn I saw a few Hawaiian shirts back there.  My fashion critique aside, this was acceptable, which is something considering it involves MIKE KNOX.



Recap of Whisper doing her best impression of an Alabama housewife.  She fell down the stairs, I swear!  Tell him, honey.  *serious glare* Hey, she takes a hit well enough.  I assume that Michaels can’t help but bust out a few superkicks in the heat of the moment, so that face is probably carved out of granite by now.  It’s really all he knows how to do.  Also, how can you report that he jaw’s broken when you can clearly see Jericho hit well above the jawline?  Are we all blind now?



Main event time, and seeing how it’s still 15 minutes to 11, either MH and MH are going the distance…or DAMN this show’s ending early tonight!


Mark Henry Vs. Matt Hardy, ECW Title Match


EPIC ANNOUNCEMENT ALERT!  Finlay Vs. Knox next week.  Also, the ECW Title graphic points out that there’s a phoenix on the main plate.  I still think it’s a pretty pimp title.  Sorry, I think Gold is gay.  Both start with a G, so the connection is undeniable.


Hardy opens up with a STIFF right, and DEAR GOD it looks like Atlas couldn’t afford a full dress shirt, going for a sleeveless version with his tie, a la IRS.  Or Hogan’s tux.  GOD I wish I could pull that off.  I’d have all of those 50 year olds at work all over me in a heartbeat, let me tell you.  Whoopsie, got lost in Tony Atlas again.  Hardy basically wails away on Henry, because, really, what else can he do besides hits and the Twist of Fate?  Alas, Mark shrugs the hits off with the power of his blackness, blocking two TOF attempts in the process, and tosses Matt’s honkey ass to the outside.


Mark Henry, during the break, landed an impressive vertical suplex on Hardy while he was sitting on the top rope, and takes a trip to rest-hold city.  Today’s hold du jour is wrenching the head of Hardy, as I imagine him picturing Hardy as a bottle of grape soda.  Racist?  Maybe.  But I mean, it’s been scientifically proven.  I’ll have the report for you tomorrow.  Trust me.  Henry decides to break away from the constant restholds, and goes for a bearhug and a half nelson.  Glad he’s mixing his game up.  Matt eventually makes a comeback, as throughout the match, he’s been working Henry’s knee with a shot here and there.  This allows him to get out of the constant plodding offense of Mark Henry, hitting a bulldog and crossbody, for two apiece.  Both tease finishers, but Hardy connects with the TOF for…Atlas to pull Hardy out to break up the pin.  Thankfully, this doesn’t end the match…AGAIN, but it gives Mark the opportunity to hit the World’s Strongest Slam for the win.


Winner:  Mark Henry


What stood out:  Probably one of the best Mark Henry matches you’ll see.  That’s not much of a compliment.  This was still a very slow match.  Also, I would’ve laughed and laughed and laughed if they ended this match exactly how they ended it at Summerslam.  This would’ve been followed shortly by crying.


Post-match, THE DARKNESS has a healthy chortle to celebrate their victory.  Laughter truly is the best medicine (to terrible matches).  THE END.



Uppers:  Umm, the Jericho/Michaels angle was re-shown on this show.  And…the opener was pretty entertaining too.  Yep, that’s it.


Downers:  Just about everything else on this show bored the hell out of me.  I can see why Henry and Hardy was only 30 seconds on Summerslam.  Would’ve put that crowd into a permanent coma if it went any longer.  The match was OK, but there’s really only so much those two can do with each other.  Unfortunately, that mostly consists of long, boring restholds. 


Overall:  Make no bones about it, this show fucking sucked.  After the decent opener, it was like watching a retard jump off the very top of the Grand Canyon, just to splatter on the riverbed below.  You’d think it would be morbidly entertaining, but it just gets so…tragic.  Avoid this show.  Please.



I’m Neil McGilloway, and assuming…you know what?  Screw this.  I have some pull now, right?  I’ll be here next week.  And you shall show thanks that I do this job for you, damn it.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).