Welcome back my friends, to the show that never ends.  Though I wish it would sometimes.  I come to you with news – you can decide if it’s good or bad.  See, I’m going to be moving in the coming weeks.  Not far or anything, but depending on whether or not Comcast decides to be slow with installing my Internet, you might not see my incredibly well written and hilarious weekly report.  Just something to be on the look out for.  I figure if I let it sink in now, you might not end up doing a swan dive onto concrete, you know, from the SHEER DEVESTATION.

Only one more thing to vent on before the show, and that’s this year’s Summerslam.  DEAR GOD IT LOOKS SO HORRIBLE.   I like how they’re calling it the biggest blockbuster of the summer, because, you see, a blockbuster is a kind of bomb.  Which is what this PPV has a strong chance of being.  A big, steaming, bomb.  Three “marquee” matches stand out to me as particularly awful.  Outside of these three, I have no objections.  Hell in a cell will be awesome as usual, Santino/Beth & Kofi/Mickie will both be good and hilarious, and everything else will do their job.  Now, the matches that will be the equivalent of opening the Ark of the Covenant…

Triple H Vs.  The Great Khali:  Who the fuck thought this had “money match” written on it?  Khali has no credibility at this point, sorry Indians.  I can’t add anything onto this that you don’t already know.  I assume Trips is trying to outdo every over superstar ever, and in this case, it’s Cena (pretty much the only guy that got a passable match out of this oaf).  Please, PLEASE boo this match out of the building.

CM Punk Vs. JBL:  Let me make it simple.  Hey, did you like that match where CM Punk had his first title defense against JBL and won?  Well then, YOU’LL LOVE IT WHEN YOU HAVE TO PAY $50 TO SEE IT AGAIN!  I am surprise no one brought this up.  We’ve seen this match for free only about a month ago!

John Cena Vs. Batista:  OK, this one might not be about the match itself.  I figure it’ll be decent.  My problem is the build.  Fun Fact:  Both of John Cena’s tag title reigns have been used as props to build a big match with his tag partner.  Funner Fact:  Both reigns are about 18 months apart.  So, that’s right.  They’re doing the SAME EXACT STORYLINE not even two years apart.  Who did not notice this?  Their victory over Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase last night has been quite the hot topic of debate.  Hell, take a look over at the WrestleCrap forums, as there’s such a debate over it all, you’d think a president was getting elected soon or something!  Actually, on second thought, don’t.  I don’t want to feel responsible for the average IQ of a human dropping about 30 points.  I’ll just give my opinion on the matter, and put it to rest, because my opinion is more important than yours.  Rhodes and DiBiase weren’t buried last night (as I hear that phrase thrown around like people have stock in its usage), as they kept pace in a pretty good match with two of the hottest stars in the WWE.  What bothers me is simply the shitty booking of it all.  You have the ex-champs building themselves up week after week as a dominant tag team, only to lose with no build-up whatsoever.  Kind of ruins their reputation, doesn’t it?  Also, why do Batista and Cena need the belts?  To build a match they’re going to have in two weeks?  Then what?  It all seems so…short-sighted.  Looking past how this angle has been done to death, you’re essentially doing more harm than good in getting this match going.  It’s Batista and Cena.  What else do you need?  One of them to go heel?  Yeah, not happening, deal with it.

So yeah, no bullshit, Summerslam is going to suck.  You can always give me $50 to come over to your house and kick you in the balls.  The end result is the same, but my way’s quicker.  Let’s get this show over with.

Still standing here in Atlanta!  And the announce position shenanigans continue, with Tard Grisham still going strong (well, strong is the only word I can think of right now…) and Matt Striker filling in for Taz, for this week only.  I hope.  Well, it beats getting your ass kicked by Kane I suppose.  Anyway we get right into our first match and it’s:

Chavo Guerrero and BAM NEELY Vs. Evan Bourne and Ricky Ortiz

Hmm, actually Matt is proving me wrong right off the bat, with both fairly obscure wrestling trivbits, along with pointing out the delicious irony of BAM NEELY being a former border patrol agent (Kayfabe people!), and now is the bodyguard of Chavo.  Kudos, teacher.

This match is going at a hella fast pace, and for what he can do, BAM does make his hits look painful.  So he’s not completely useless.  I think.  Ortiz plays the babyface in peril for this match, with most of the match being him getting his ass kicked by the heels.  Eventually, Ricky gets the hot-ish tag to Evan, and Bourne unleashes his no-hands offense on BAM.  Evan plants NEELY with his double knee press (not M. Bison’s, though how cool would it be if Evan Bourne busted out a Psycho Crusher on his opponents?  Food for thought), but the ensuing pin is broken up by Chavo.  Ortiz finally does something in this match, tossing Chavo (and himself, proving he can’t do that simple move right either) out of the ring, letting Evan sneak a rollup for three.

Winner:  Evan Bourne and Ricky Ortiz

What stood out:  Probably a good decision, this match was very, very quick.  Oh, and small men bailing out their teammate’s giant uncoordinated ass amuses me to no end.  It’s like the big guys don’t have talent or something!

Run and hide!  Mike Knox promo!  Thankfully, not as Tyson-esque in pitch this week, he essentially channels the IWC once again, noting that Finlay has become a fucking Goddamn joke lately.  Maybe with less swearing.  This, of course, brings out Team Irish, and Finlay’s looking pretty pimp.  Until he takes his sport jacket off, then for some reason I thought I saw Pat Patterson in the ring.  Let me tell you, and old gay man is not what I want infiltrating my mind.  I might have to go take a shower right now, just because I feel so dirty.  Oh yeah, the promo.  Finlay goads Knox into taking a swing at him, and the caveman takes a walk.  Well, that was pointless.

Recap of last night’s main event debacle.  I’ve made my peace with this one.  Moving on.

Armando Estrada Vs. Tommy Dreamer, Armando’s ass is gone if he loses

I may have inaccurately transcribed the stipulations of the match.  Tommy actually got a decent pop when he came out.  Who knew winning once this year was all he needed to break the glass ceiling?

It’s all Tommy in this match, hitting all of the usual spots.  I think, up until the finish, Armando got about a neckbreaker in, and that’s about it.  Anyway, Dreamer has Armando set up in the tree of woe, but out comes Colin Delaney to be a general drain on society.  First, he tries to grab a chair, but Tommy spots him and shuts that shit down.  Next, he hops up on the apron, but all he gets is a faceful of steel post.  Apparently Colin’s special power is to drain the energy of people beating the shit out of him, because Armando sneaks in with the laziest schoolboy for the three.

Winner:  Armando Estrada

What stood out:  The collective groan of Armando winning.  I believe that’s what the smarky folks call X-Pac Heat.  Also, Tommy got a few respectable cheers.  Did I miss the part where losing constantly gets you over?

Backstage, Colin and Armando have a little walk down memory lane, when Teddy Long pretty much pops into frame, makes Tommy versus Colin in Extreme Rules for next week, then disappears.  Black Ninja Teddy Long?  Sounds awesome to me.  That’s what I’d say, before being laughed out of Stamford.

Recap of SmackDown now, consisting only of the end segment.  Granted, said ending segment was like one sixth of the entire show, but surely the Great Khali and MVP’s grueling victories count for something?  The ending was good though.  Shame Vince opened his yap one time too many and SD might be paying the price as a result.

Braden Walker Vs. James Curtis

Man, there is nothing exciting about this guy.  Even his ring music is boring.

Walker and Curtis exchange some basic moves, as crickets fill the arena.  I honestly feel sorry for the guy, considering he was a force for a long-ass time in TNA.  Now?  He’s about 1 step above complete jobber territory.  Notice how I’m not talking about what’s going on in the match much.  That’s because damn near nothing is happening.  Curtis gets a brief flurry of offense, but Walker hits a clothesline and a slow-mo fisherman’s suplex for the win.

Winner:  Braden Walker

What stood out:  Hear about that announcement that ECW’s going to be an hour earlier soon?  Man, I can’t wait.  At least when stinkers like this come on, I’ll get an extra hour of sleep on Tuesday nights.  Was Chris Harris always this boring?  If so, that might be a testament to how good James Storm is, because America’s Most Wanted sure seemed like an awesome tag team to me.

Ok, let’s see how this goes when they don’t have the Internet to protect them.  DIRT SHEET LIVE ON ECW!  And they get some scattered boos right off the bat.  And silence.  Lots and lots of silence.  Obviously, the guests of Mark Henry and Matt Hardy are fake, doing the old moving mouth over existing pictures trick. And it’s actually pretty funny, managing to get a few laughs from the crowd in the process.  There’s a lot of good points in this one, namely how Mark gets sweaty from doing nothing, along with needing a belt extender to fit the title around his waist.  I did not notice this before.  This brings out Mark Henry and Mushmouth, which of course the ex-champs quickly suck up to avoiding a beating of tortoise-like proportions.  They then switch gears to Matt Hardy, which gets decidedly less of a reaction from the crowd.  Of course, this brings Hardy out.  Hardy actually cuts the promo of a lifetime here, pointing out how they were ripping off Conan O’Brien’s shtick, and obligatory gay jokes.  The difference?  He doesn’t sound nearly as awkward as he usually does on the stick.  Good for him.  Miz and Morrison try to strike, but an errant punch hits Mizark instead.  So the In crowd is quickly sent packing by the champ and the #1 contender, leading to the stare down.  Just like last week.  Glad to see we’re getting somewhere here.  THE END.

Uppers:  The crowd, for one.  Either I didn’t notice when ECW became compelling television, or they’re on a roll of going to venues where the fans give a damn.   Either way, the crowd was pretty on point tonight, and that made the show as a whole better.  Also, I made little mention of it, so I’ll say it here.  Matt Striker was fantastic on commentary.  Essentially, there was a smaller and younger JBL on the headset tonight.  Taz comes back, Striker assists on commentary, and Grish pisses off. The world would be a better place, guaranteed.  Finally, the live Dirt Sheet had its moments, so if you didn’t see it, go youtube it or something.  You’ll be entertained.  Don’t mind the prolonged silence though.  Those guys are assholes.

Downers:  The matches tonight were pretty sucktastic.  The opener could’ve gone a few extra minutes, but as it was, it was only “meh.”  Armando sucks, Braden sucks, and both of their matches knocked my ass out from sheer boredom.  Considering that the matches were the only redeeming factor of ECW in the past, this is a pretty awful trend.  I do not desire to be entertained by Tony Atlas and Miz talking!  I desire to see men in underwear roll around in various homoerotic maneuvers!  I am straight!

Overall:  Remember that whole New Talent Initiative thing they had going for a couple weeks?  If it’s done, I think we can call it a bust, no?  If I knew all that would be born from it was Ricky Ortiz and Braden Walker, I’d go back in time right now (I’m an engineer, I can make a time machine) with an eggbeater and go to town on ECW’s vagina.  It exists, and I’ve seen it.  Don’t doubt me.

I’m Neil McGilloway, and assuming I’m not fired, or Comcast sucks, ‘til next week.