You know, I always thought when I heard the expression “better
late than never” it didn’t apply to me. I figured with this show, never was the better option.
It’s ok though, I got to see my hometown Baltimore Orioles lay the smack down on the Yankees to the tune of 12-0.
I think Ron Simmons might have been at the game. SLAM!
Recap of Raw and the exciting continuation of the Vince McMakin
Babies storyline start us off. If you missed it (and really can’t blame you) Stephanie and her African
midwife titties (™ Cameron Burge) informed her dad that his illegitimate child is a WWE superstar.
The shit hits the fan and we are LIVE from Mohegan Sun which is
one of those Indian reservation casinos in Connecticut. You know that’s a brilliant way to get money
from “the man” for stealing their land. Coach is in the ring and says he’ll be checking
ECW’s roster tonight trying to figure out who Vince’s bastard child is (that should take about 5 minutes).
He also introduces the new GM of ECW, Armaaaaaaaando Eeeeeeestrada (senor es sans Alejandro). He
introduces himself but doesn’t roll the r’s which is rather disappointing. He then holds a
contract signing for John Morrison and CM Punk. Absolutely nothing that you haven’t seen in a contract
signing before happens, although that is a double negative so allow me to fix that. Everything you’ve
seen in contract signings happened, well except for the beatdown. Estrada then says both guys will be in
action tonight, Morrison against the Boogeyman and CM Punk against Big Daddy V next.
CM Punk vs. Big Daddy V
Geez man this guy has pumpernickel rolls on his body.
I guess you could have a roll with a can of Pepsi or something during this match. V uses his strength
although his muscles are better protected than that time I wore three condoms. I didn’t really feel
anything but at least I didn’t get herpagonasiphalaides! Big Daddy picks him up and
drops him like a sagging pair of breasts which he can relate to. He then does a spinning heel kick though
it was more like a spinning VEAL kick. Punk ends up on the apron and then gets knocked to the floor.
Punk can’t get up and gets counted out. Makes sense, Punk doesn’t job and V still looks
unstoppable.
Winner by Countout: Big Daddy V
Estrada is backstage and is talking to Tommy Dreamer.
He wants to get the first title shot after Summerslam. Estrada calls him lazy and says if he wants
a title shot he has to get to the ring in 60 seconds. He gets in with 17 seconds to spare and Big Daddy
V is in the ring still.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Big Daddy V
Dreamer is on the receiving end of a Samoan Drop and a splash in
the corner and then a sidewalk slam (which I am renaming the Side Order Slam with thanks to Cameron) and an elbow then the
pin.
Winner: Big Daddy V
Anyone else miss when he was the “world’s largest love
machine”? Now he’s the world’s largest garbage disposal. Up next Stevie
Richards goes against Thorn AGAIN!
Kelly Squared is backstage and Balls Mahoney comes over and mentions
a restaurant before the Miz, Brooke, and Layla interrupt. Miz basically mocks him while Kelly shows as
many expressions as a Barbie doll. You see what I did there? Since her “real name”
is Barbie? And she looks like a generic blonde? Man I am a genius.
Stevie Richards vs. Kevin Thorn TAKE THREE!
This apparently is the Smackdown method of forwarding a feud by
just having the same match every week for who knows how many weeks. Thorn slaps Richards and Stevie tackles
to retaliate but Thorn clobbers with a clothesline. Thorn hits a big slam then an Orton Lock.
He then hits a Jake the Snake-esque short armed clothesline but only gets a two count (you didn’t do the DDT
you idiot!). Stevie fights back with a forearm and then hits a reverse version of Carlito’s move
so it must be the Jack Apple and nearly gets a two count. Richards tries more offense and ends up getting
nailed with a sit down power bomb and the pin. Well it was nice while it lasted.
Winner: Kevin Thorn
Thorn continues to beat up Stevie and hits a crucifix power bomb.
The ref then reverses the decision.
Winner: Stevie Richards
Mmmkay, guess the fun continues! After a commercial,
Coach is interviewing Elijah Burke and he mentions going to a lot of WWE events as a kid. Well so did I,
maybe I’m Vince’s illegitimate son? The only thing is I don’t have grapefruits….but
I do have a huge banana! Any ladies out there want to peel it? Actually that sounds
kinda gross (not to mention I don’t think any females except maybe Catherine read this).
John Morrison makes his entrance followed by the Boogeyman.
Looks like he went back to his old makeup.
ECW Champion John Morrison vs. Boogeyman (Non-title)
Boogeyman starts off with some rights and then a flying splash
in the corner as well as a clothesline. He hits a slam and then a splash but only gets two.
Morrison manages to kick Boogeyman and he goes for a springboard dropkick but Boogeyman knocks his feet away.
He then goes to the top but Morrison hits a flying soccer kick to knock Boogeyman to the floor. Back
inside, Boogeyman starts getting a chant? I wonder how much those voiceover actors made for that.
Boogeyman fights back and hits a clothesline, and then a slam and leg drop. He can’t get the
pin and the champ comes back and goes for a corkscrew moonsault but the bottle was empty. Morrison manages
to keep fighting back even though Boogeyman is battling and hits a springboard flying kick (though he slipped).
He continues to beat up on Boogeyman and as the ref tries to stop it, Morrison shoves him and the bell is called for.
Winner by DQ: Boogeyman
Boogeyman gets his worms but Morrison is able to get out of there
before anything too gross happens and they look at each other as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment: Estrada
as ECW GM does add a nice extra element to the weekly Richards/Thorn and Big Daddy V squash matches. Speaking
of the well endowed one…
Not So Extreme Moment:
We get it; Big Daddy V is big and bad. But putting him over the two top faces on the same show?
That’s just bad booking.
I had contemplated doing a new feature here called “Shit
I Wish Happened” but every week it’d be the same….cancel the show.
As usual, there’s
stuff to read here!
So get out of my sight before I beat you worse than the Orioles beat the Yankees.
Now
hit my music!
ECW: The Next Generation
