Come in and pull yourself up a chair
It’s a crazy little place where Angle has no hair
Wrestlers get extreme here
Sandman hits himself with beer
It’s wacky in
Welcome back to the most popular wrestling column about
ECW written by someone named Gershon who lives in NYC. Speaking of NYC, the Hammerstein Ballroom is hosting
tonight’s show which at least means the audience should be entertaining. I saw fans gathering outside
there around 5:30 this afternoon. I decided not to go since I went to the Supershow last night which sadly
I will not be writing a column about but you can view my comments on it in the world famous TWF forums (at least in Sean’s
Tonight we have a main event of Batista vs. Big Show as
well as an extreme rules tag match of Sandman and Tommy Dreamer against Mike Knox and Test and without wasting any time Sandman’s
music hits and he enters from the top section in the Ballroom. Some highlights of the last few weeks are
shown of the buildup to this match, and Joey Styles makes a comment that the Yankees should trade A-rod for Sandman (I love
Yankee bashing). Dreamer’s music hits next and the man from just uptown in Yonkers comes to the ring
and a vignette of recent events of Dreamer is shown. Big pops for both guys and big boos for the other
two guys. You know I guess I could put up with Kelly if she just stands there and doesn’t talk or
move but she can’t even do that properly.
Sandman and Tommy Dreamer vs. Test and Mike Knox
w/Kelly (Singapore Violence vs. Umm, A Couple of Schmoes and an Expressionless Skank)
Big “you suck dick” chant starts which sounds
like they turned the sound volume down on the crowd. Dreamer starts with Knox and after a hip toss Test
runs in and chaos ensues. Sandman nails Test with a dropkick but then Knox runs in and breaks it up.
Test grabs the Singapore Cane but Dreamer sneaks up behind him. Sandman then does the White Russian
Leg Sweep and Tommy the Dreamer DDT in tandem, then they go outside and throw some props in the ring. Big
tables chant starts and they go outside and get a board covered in barbed wire and set it up in the corner. Just
as they go to double suplex Knox into it, Test nails them both with the cane. Dreamer is bleeding worse
than an end of sentence and Test goes for a shoulder block but hits the post. Sandman goes to the outside
and before he can hit Knox with the cane, Kelly blocks him. Sandman throws Kelly in the ring and nails
Knox with the cane and he follows him backstage hitting him continuously. Back in the ring, Dreamer smiles
at Kelly and goes to kiss her but instead puts her over his knee and spanks her. Can’t anyone give
her the Dudley treatment? Heyman’s armored guards hit the ring and beat the crap out of Dreamer and
throw him into the barbed wire board. Then Test comes back in the ring and throws him into it two more
times which breaks the board. He then delivers the Test Drive (that was suggested by multiple people and
even though I think he used that name for his pump handle slam, it can be used again) and gets the three count.
Winners: Test and Mike Knox
Heyman is shown walking backstage and several random ECW
“extremists” turn their back on them. It’s a pretty big room and I swear I saw Vince
sitting there. Heyman runs into Sabu who wants Big Show but Heyman says he can’t do that and asks
him to leave the building. Quick mention of tonight’s main event then CM Punk is shown backstage
and mentions tonight is his debut and he will make the most of it next.
Commercial Comment: Ask me about my wiener,
and I shall tell you it is large!
Back live Justin Credible is in the ring (another NY native)
and CM Punk is out to make his much anticipated debut.
CM Punk vs. Justin Credible (Opponents of Debuts Must Job
Big chant for CM Punk begins as we start, and CM works
Justin to the corner and locks in a sideways version of Tajiri’s Tarantula. Justin gains control
and gets a northern lights suplex but only a two count. He then locks in a half Boston Crab and Punk breaks
out of it. Punk goes outside, jumps to the top rope and gives a big clothesline. He
then nails a flying knee in the corner followed by a bulldog. He then does his variation of a Rock Bottom
(Punk Rock Bottom?) followed by a submission where he held Justin’s head off the mat which makes him tap for the win.
Winner: CM Punk
Commercial Comment: Inside Man is coming to
DVD soon, I highly recommend it.
Shannon Moore is shown backstage then back in the ring
the Brooklyn Brawler is on the microphone. He says he is too extreme for Raw, too hardcore for Smackdown
(he was on Smackdown last night though) and will be the next ECW champ. Angle’s music hits for our
Olympic hero’s return.
Kurt Angle vs. Brooklyn Brawler (Jeter Sucks Match)
Nice “welcome back” chant and Angle goes for
the ankle lock right away but Brawler gets the ropes. Both stand in the center of the ring and Angle head
butts the Brawler then gets the ankle lock and a tap out almost immediately.
Winner: Kurt Angle
Gersh’s Interesting Fact: Last year at
MSG the Brooklyn Brawler was so disgusted by the Yankees choke to the Red Sox in the playoffs that he became the Boston Brawler.
Ariel is shown backstage saying how Kevin Thorn (I think
that’s what she called him) made his debut last week. Kevin then comes in and talks about how he
will dominate in ECW. Big Show comes to ringside and a HUGE chant for RVD starts before Batista’s
music hits and my hometown boy hits the ring. During the introductions, someone throws a roll of toilet
paper in the ring.
Big Show (ECW Champion) vs. Batista (Who the Hell Do We
Root For, the ECW Heel or the WWE Face?)
The crowd shows it’s excitement for this match with
a big “you both suck” chant. Just as it gets going, we go to commercial.
Back live, the crowd is shitting all over this match and
Big Show is nailing all sorts of offense on Batista. I’ll be honest, I was trying too hard to understand
the various chants of the crowd and missed a lot of this match. Some big moves like a choke slam, a Batista
Bomb, etc. Where’s Sabu so this crowd will pop? Show hits Batista with the belt
causing the DQ.
Winner by DQ: Batista
Sabu runs in to a huge pop, throws a chair in Show’s
face then delivers two huge Arabian Facebusters, the second of which knocked Show off the apron into a table.
Sabu goes up the aisle as we go off the air.
Opening match was good and CM Punk made a nice debut.
Not So Extreme Moment:
Same problem as last week where nothing really stands out so because she’s still on the show Kelly wins again!
Check out the rest of the site and drop me an e-mail if you got anything to say to me. Glad I saved my money on this one. I have to go,
the King of Cartoons is gonna be here in 10 minutes and I’m not going to let you embarrass me.
Here we are again with another week of ECW.
Not a lot to say for an intro so let’s get right to it. A recap of last week’s tag match
including the beat down of Tommy Dreamer is shown. The bodies hit the floor and we are live from Nashville,
Tennessee. Tonight we get a #1 Contender’s Match for the ECW title between Sabu and Angle.
To start Mike Knox and perennial not so extreme Kelly come down to the ring. Tommy Dreamer limps
his way to the ring and we are ready for our opening match.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Mike Knox w/ Kelly (Can we get this bitch
off my TV already?)
Knox starts off laying in some punches but Dreamer gains
control and clotheslines Knox over the top. Tommy then throws him into the stairs. Back
inside, Dreamer nails an elbow from the second rope. As Tommy sets up for the Dreamer DDT, Heyman and the
guards come to the ring and beat the crap out of Dreamer on the outside. Mike hits the Hard Knox (I made
that one up) and gets the pin.
Winner: Mike Knox
Heyman and the guards corner Dreamer in the corner until
Sandman’s music hits and he makes his way down from the crowd as we go to commercial.
Back live, Sandman is in the ring and Heyman is on the
microphone. He says he loves Tommy Dreamer like he was his son and sends him off for medical attention.
He then says there needs to be a match so he makes it Sandman against Knox and Test but it won’t be under extreme
rules so he has to lose the Singapore cane.
The Sandman vs. Mike Knox and Test (Not Under Extreme Rules
So Expect a DQ Match)
Test and Knox double team and beat the crap out of Sandman.
Knox slams Sandman then Test goes to the top but misses the big elbow. Sandman grabs the cane and
knocks the hell out of Knox and Test causing a DQ.
Winners by DQ: Mike Knox and Test
Highlights of Sabu from the last two weeks are shown then
a quick interview where Sabu says he will get the title shot he wants.
Balls Mahoney is backstage and damn he is one ugly fuck.
That’s about all there is to say. Kevin Thorn and Ariel come to the ring next.
I’m not really into vampires but I would love to suck Ariel’s umm…well you know. Then
the question on the minds of many, what does everybody want? I would like a lot of things starting with
a million bucks but instead we get Al Snow.
Kevin Thorn w/ Ariel vs. Al Snow (I Vant You To Job Match)
Kevin attacks Snow with a slam then after a throw to the
corner, he nails him with a neckbreaker while Snow’s legs hang on the ropes. He follows it up with
a crucifix powerbomb and gets the three count.
Winner: Kevin Thorn
Rene Dupree is shown with big hair and no accent and says
he is the best athlete in ECW. Big Show then makes his way to the ring. He has a big
smile on his face and gets on the microphone to say the crowd must be thinking they’ve never seen the Big Show look
so good. He’s trying to add a little dignity and class to the ECW brand. He also
claims to be the most dominant ECW champ in history (umm, have you EVER faced an actual ECW opponent?). There
is only one extreme truth in this world, no one can beat him. Well that was exciting, if by exciting I
mean that would have been a good time for a piss break.
A recap of CM Punk’s debut is shown, and then he
is shown backstage where he thanks the fans for the support. Next week he’ll wrestle his second match.
Kurt Angle’s music hits followed by Sabu’s and we are ready for our main event.
Kurt Angle vs. Sabu (Broken Frickin Neck vs. Broken Frickin
Angle starts off with a series of headlocks then Sabu gets
a drop toe hold and puts on a headlock of his own. Angle whips Sabu into the corner but misses and hits
the post on the shoulder attack. Sabu throws Angle into the ropes but it is reversed, though Sabu holds
the rope to stop himself then back body drops Angle out of the ring as we go to commercial.
And we’re back! Angle has a chinlock
on Sabu and after throwing him to the ropes, Sabu jumps to the second rope and does a jumping DDT (very cool visual).
He goes for the pin but only gets two. Sabu throws some punches in the corner though Angle ends
up getting a belly to belly suplex. Outside the ring, Angle gives Sabu a back body drop on the floor.
Then back inside, he locks on a rear choke hold. Sabu tries to break out of it but Angle gives him
a knee to prevent that. Angle misses a move in the corner and Sabu get a kick from the second rope followed
by a flip and leg drop from the apron. Two count only and Sabu tries to continue punishing Angle but Kurt
comes back with a couple of German suplexes. He goes for the Angle Slam but Sabu counters then gives another
kick from the middle rope. Sabu locks in the Camel Clutch but Sabu breaks it and puts on the ankle lock.
Sabu breaks that and throws Angle outside the ring. He then launches himself onto Angle outside
the ring. Back inside, Sabu goes to the top and hits Angle with a splash but only gets a two count.
Kurt manages to put the ankle lock on again until RVD shows up and gives a Van Daminator to both Angle and Sabu.
He poses in the ring as we go off the air.
Main event was good and I’ve been impressed with Kevin Thorn.
Not So Extreme Moment:
Do you even need to ask? She was on, and she sucks (not Ariel). Kelly is our winner
once again just for being there.
Pretty good show and that seems like it was a fast suspension
for RVD but of course good to have him back.
That’s all for this week for me. If
you can’t get enough of my recaps, definitely check out my filling in for Cameron for last night’s Raw as well as all the other brilliantly funny stuff you can find only here on TWF. Now get out of my face before I throw a chair in yours.
Arg. So somehow I ended up turning up for two nights in a row. God damn you slave
drivers! I’m used to lazing on my ass doing nothing, not churning out a whole recap twice in two days! You’re
trying to fucking kill me over here.
Anyway, I guess Gersh was busy neutering puppies or feeding the homeless or some
crap like that so you’re all stuck with me.
ECW- Whatever I decide to Call Tonight’s Article (Insert something funny here)
Show opens with why we are having our Triple Threat Match tonight and better yet,
Taz uses the non-word Ginormous. Heyman is on the screen next with big Show. He says it is his duty to inform us that two
nights ago Kurt suffered a debilitating injury and he must protect Angle from himself by medically suspending him and remove
him from the match. He says the match will now be: Sabu vs. Van Dam in a Ladder Match.
Theme and we are go. Joey and Taz welcome us and Foley’s music hits as we
get a video clip of last night when Foley attacked Flair. He says that Ric declined his offer to show up tonight in order
to recuperate his injuries for Summerslam. He dispels Flair’s rumor that he accidentally fell off the cage. Anyway,
Foley goes on to cut an awesome promo about their match and his career. In the end, he says he promised something extreme
and Flair isn’t here so he introduces his first guest tonight. Kelly Kelly. THE FUCK?! His second guest is Melina.
Anyway, Foley declares a three way dance then proceeds to do the most horrendous
Dancing since Boogie Nights as Melina and Kelly gyrate. My brain explodes and then Flair arrives to whip Foley’s ass.
Foley goes down on the stairs hard and Flair chokes him out with chords before says Mick will quit this Sunday and storming
out. Next is CM Punk, but first are commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Everybody be gettin’ dat Cabin Fever.
Back to the show. Shannon Moore says "Question Authority." But it should be more
like "Question Your Stylist or you will end up like me." CM Punk hops into the ring and I have to say, for someone I’ve
heard so much about, this guy is ugly as fuck. He doesn’t even LOOK interesting. He’s up against Justin Credible.
Justin Credible vs. CM Punk
Justin pretty much gets owned from the get go. And what is called Ju Jitsu and Muay
Thai is nothing of the sort. Anyway, Punk hits a flying knee into Justin’s head in the corner or something like
that before coming off onto Justin’s knee which is botched. Justin dodges a round kick after an abdominal stretch. Facebuster
gets two for Justin. CM hits an actually Thai move in a shotgun knee to the chin in the corner. He follows with a full round
kick into a Rock Bottom with an arm submission victory right after.
They run an RVD video package and Rob cuts a promo on Sabu and how he’ll become
the new ECW Champion after kicking Big Show’s ass too.
Random Commercial Thought: The Asylum Films Company has a rival film arriving called
Snakes on a Train. You can see the (gorish) trailer on their website.
Back to the show. Renee Dupree has a photo shoot and tells us we’ll all see
who is the sexiest around. Test and Knox are here to take on the FBI.
Test & Mike Knox w/ Kelly Kelly vs. The FBI
Guido starts us off by getting PWNT. Knox crushes Guido then tag to test who hits
several backbreakers. Guido uses speed to dodge and drives Test nuts before diving to the tag. Toni takes out Knox and tries
to come at Test, but is instantly shut down. Test hits his finisher and that’s that.
Winners: Test & Knox
Dreamer and Sandman run Test and Knox off after the math. Sandman attacks with the
Shinai when Test tries to get close. Taz and Joey pimp the feud as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: There was like, only one commercial because it was so
Back to the show with a Sabu special. They then show Sabu with a hypnotic flashing
light that is pretty much enough to make you believe anything he says about winning. "Yes....Master...." Afterward, Heyman
is in the back talking with Show and his guards when Angle shows up and whips their asses. Security eventually drags him away
and Show says he’ll be pressing assault charges as we go to ringside with RVD’s arrivals and then off to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: God, I’m not even free of the Bowflex on Scifi.
At least it’s a different commercial.
Back to the show. Sabu arrives after the introduction of RVD and we are heading
right into it.
Rob Van Dam vs. Sabu (Ladder Match)
Rob goes down to a quick takedown and leg submission. Sabu works RVD’s knee,
but Rob counters into a choke. Sabu makes the ropes to escape. Rob gains the advantage and starts going to town. He goes up
top and Sabu goes to the apron. RVD leaps from the turnbuckle anyway and tries to grab the contract and almost succeeds before
face planting comically. Sabu does a leaping clothesline to send him and RVD over the ropes. Rob brings the ladder into things
and then its back to the ring. Sabu leaps off the middle rope into a somersault DDT. RVD baseball slides the ladder into his
face twice in a row on the outside as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Fuck you Stan Lee! I AM a Superhero!
We come back and my computer fucks up so I cant recap most of it. God damnit and
these are all the good parts. RVD gets a DDT through the ladder then a Camel Clutch. Sabu is pushed off the ladder then tries
to do the triple jump moonsault using the ladder but it gives under him. Rob covers with a leg drop on Sabu as the crowd chants
you fucked up. Sabu gets whipped to the ladder but dodges a rolling thunder. Rob switches the rolling thunder into a monkey
flip that sends the ladder flying into Sabu. Rob is the next to be sent off the ladder later before hitting the Five Star
on Sabu from the turnbuckle. RVD goes up top for the contract and Big Show comes in. Big Show catches him and tosses RVD through
a table over the ropes. Big Show calls for the contract to be lowered to him, but Sabu jumps off the ropes at him. Big Show
catches, but Sabu holds on and uses the extra height to grabs the contract before Show can power bomb him.
Big Show chokeslams Sabu in frustration then retrieves RVD to chokeslam him as well
as the show goes off the air.
Most Extreme Moment: Main Event was cool. That’s
really all I can say about it.
Not So Extreme: Kelly Kelly does a dance with
Mick Foley and Melina. What the fuck was that shit?
I’m back! And no I am not Eric Bischoff.
Thanks to Cameron for covering me last week while I spent some time with the family. It’s rather tough to turn down
a free meal, what can I say?
Tonight we are in Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania and we have a rematch
of Sabu vs. Big Show for the ECW Championship. To start off we have an Extreme Bikini Contest and first
out is Torrie Wilson? She’s extreme…ly lucky to still have a job. And of
course her opponent is anything but extreme, Kelly Squared. I thought this garbage was usually reserved
for the middle of the show when a piss break is necessary. Well I guess I can chug some water and force
it out. Mike Knox not surprisingly runs down to the ring with Test and stops Kelly before she can remove
her robe. It doesn’t take long for Sandman’s music to hit and he and Tommy Dreamer come down
and chase everyone out of the ring. Sandman gets on the microphone and challenges a 6 person tag match
which is accepted.
Test, Mike Knox, and Kelly Squared vs. Tommy Dreamer, Sandman
and Torrie Wilson (Which Blonde Bimbo Do I Hate More Match?)
Torrie grabs Kelly by the hair and throws her in the corner and
for some reason the lights go out. Torrie then gives Kelly a stink face (as old as she is, it may be a
toss up whether hers or Rikishi’s is worse). Test and Dreamer tag in and they exchange a few punches
before Test pokes the eyes and gives two backbreakers without letting go then a sidewalk slam. Knox tags
in and gives some punishment before tagging Test back in who locks in a bear hug. He goes for a pump handle
slam but Dreamer breaks free and gets a neckbreaker and then tags Sandman. He comes in with some punches
but is doubleteamed. He then breaks free and gives a White Russian Leg Sweep to Test who rolls to the outside.
Knox grabs Sandman and goes for a suplex but Sandman reverses it, and then gives a Rolling Rock from the top rope.
He goes for a cover but Test pulls him out of the ring (when will these idiots learn not to pin so close to the ropes?).
Sandman ends up throwing Test into the steel post, then goes back in the ring and goes for a move from the corner but
Knox throws him off. Knox misses the leg drop from the top rope and Dreamer tags back in, delivers the
Dreamer DDT and gets the three count. Anyone notice how Kelly did absolutely NOTHING in that match?
Winners: Tommy Dreamer, Sandman and Torrie Wilson
Heyman is talking to Big Show saying how great a wrestler he is
but to accept Sabu’s challenge for a rematch is crazy. He says he beat Sabu in his element but tonight
there are no weapons and he is a walking weapon. You know, like when he leaves a buffet it looks like the
place got held up at gunpoint and he took all the food (and none of the money).
Matt Striker is backstage and he’s…….on the wrong
show. Hell Raw is the wrong show too, he’s on Heat isn’t he? Actually from
what he says, it sounds like he is coming to ECW.
Kevin Thorn and Ariel come down to the ring with their emo vampire
theme (don’t tell Joe). He’ll have a handful tonight with Balls. This is
our extreme rules match of the night, you know as opposed to the original ECW where every match was.
Kevin Thorn w/ Ariel vs. Balls Mahoney (Suck
My Balls Extreme Rules Match OR Bat and Balls Extreme Rules Match)
Balls starts off with a series of punches then a kick to the face
which knocks Kevin out of the ring. Outside, Balls rams Thorn’s head into the announce table.
He then hits him in the face with a water bottle. What would you call that? The
Aquafina Attack? The Dasani Devastation? The Poland Spring Sting? The
Deer Park Spark? Oh wait there’s a match going on here! Back inside, Kevin gets
his walking stick and beats the crap out of Balls with it. He then rams the stick right into Balls’
throat. He goes for a big swing but misses and Balls gives a series of punches followed by a spine buster
but can’t get a three count. He goes outside and grabs a chair but Ariel grabs his leg and bites
him. This distracts him just enough for Kevin to kick the chair into Balls’ face then gives the neckbreaker
with the opponent’s legs hanging on the ropes (I’ll call that one Anne Rice’s The Neckbreaker).
Winner: Kevin Thorn
Commercial Comment: OK I know this is because
the commercial is being aired on multiple stations but it was kind of funny in the commercial saying Raw will be on Sci Fi
next week that I should “check my local listings to find out where Sci Fi is”.
“The Reject” Shannon Moore is shown, and it looks like
he’s been following something completely different than Mattitude. CM Punk comes down to the ring
and he will be facing Christopher W. Anderson.
CM Punk vs. Christopher W. Anderson (Yeah I’m Sure the
Guy Who’s Barely Ever On TV Has A Chance)
Anderson gives a couple of hard punches then locks up Punk in the
corner. Punk grabs Anderson and climbs over the top rope to lock in his own version of a Tarantula.
He then gives a high knee in the corner and a bulldog but Anderson catches Punk coming off the ropes into a spine buster
but only gets two. He goes for another one but Punk gives what Tazz calls a Eurinagi? Looked
like a Rock Bottom to me. He then locks in a move that sort of looks like a Crippler Crossface except Anderson
is on his back and he taps out.
Winner: CM Punk
To prove this is a WWE show (in case you can’t tell), they
show the trailer for The Marine starring John Cena. I find it funny it’s being released on Friday
Heyman is backstage saying to someone how ECW is being accepted
by a global audience and he knows this guy has been held back. It’s Hardcore Holly (who I saw in
a dark match at the Supershow couple weeks ago). He said the locker room was being rallied around against
him and he needs to make an impact to succeed in ECW.
RVD’s music hits and he enters the arena. His
match is against Danny Doring.
Rob Van Dam vs. Danny Doring (Had Enough Squash Matches Yet?)
Doring gets caught in a drop toe hold then appears to bow to the
audience but dips rather low, low enough so Doring can give a spinning cradle drop. Geez that was almost
as bad as when a wrestler moves so a top rope move can be done. RVD comes back and gives a series of clotheslines
then a monkey flip out of the corner and a kick from the top rope. Rolling Thunder and the Five Star Frog
Splash and this one is over.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
As I totally saw coming, Hardcore Holly comes to the ring and hits
both guys with a chair then gives an Alabama Slam to RVD before doing RVD’s finger point mockingly and saying his own
Rene Dupree thinks he is the most extreme athlete in ECW. That’s
nice. You’re still a fucking French dude.
Big Show comes down followed by Sabu and we are ready for our main
ECW Champion Big Show vs. Adjective Champion Sabu (Summerslam
Rematch for the ECW Championship But Without The Extreme Rules So Not Much Of A Rematch)
Sabu goes for a few punches but Show just grabs him and nails a
couple of headbutts followed by a couple of chops. Big Show then military presses Sabu and just drops him
on the rope. Sabu falls to the outside as we go to commercial.
After a 15 second commercial (I taped it tonight so I can fast
forward) Big Show is choking Sabu on the rope. A table was set up outside the ring during the break.
Sabu gets back up and starts throwing a series of rights but when he goes off the ropes Show levels him with a clothesline.
Show locks in a bear hug but Sabu goes for the eyes to break it. Show picks up Sabu and throws him
back a few feet. In his disorientation, Show charged right into the referee. Sabu goes
for a move off the middle rope but Show catches him and gives a fall away slam. Sabu goes outside the ring
and uses a chair while the ref is knocked out. Sabu is able to give a triple jump moonsault followed by
an Arabian Facebuster. He goes for the cover and another ref comes in but Show is able to kick out somehow.
Sabu nails Show with a ring bell and the new ref doesn’t disqualify him. He nails him a couple
more times and the third time Show goes over the top rope right into the table. Sabu’s music then
hits and umm, I guess he was disqualified?
Winner by DQ: Big Show
Big Show is lying busted wide open as we go off the air.
Opening match once the women were no longer involved was good and the main event was pretty good too besides the ending.
Not So Extreme Moment:
Did you really need to ask? It goes to both Kelly and Torrie this week for a segment that not only didn’t
belong on the show at all, but it was the first damn thing we saw!
Plenty of good stuff on The Fan to check out, so get to it! I’ll be here thinking of more clever names for finishing moves that
WWE is too lazy to name themselves.
Greetings faithful readers (and the ones who Googled “extreme
hardcore” and weren’t expecting wrestling). It is I your Tuesday night party host, a party
that probably has no women and no guys less than 200 pounds. But we got Doritos!
Anyway, tonight we are live from Reading, PA and even though
it’s pronounced “redding”, I’m sure Matt Striker will use every opportunity to exploit it.
Tonight’s main event is a doozy, if by doozy I meant a WTF kind of thing. Sabu will be taking
on Paul Heyman in an extreme rules match and while this doesn’t excite anyone in the sense of a wrestling match, I’m
intrigued by the battle of Arab vs. Jew (and just so you know I’m Jewish, so if I offend you, I probably offended myself
We open with highlights of last week’s championship
match and then we see Heyman backstage. He is the father of ECW and says this is his baby and his concept.
Looks like a bastard child since Vince calls the shots. He is going to be in his first match tonight
and says he will pin Sabu tonight. Theme and opening followed by the sound of Breaking Point’s “One
of a Kind” signifying Rob Van Dam. Hardcore Holly will be making his ECW debut tonight.
Rob Van Dam vs. Hardcore Holly (Cramma the
Alabama Slamma Match)
Irish whip by RVD and a split that he turns into a monkey
flip. Outside the ring, Holly hits some stiff blows to the midsection and goes for a suplex but RVD reverses
and drops him on the ring barrier. RVD goes to the apron and hits a spinning leg drop. Back
inside, RVD throws some punches in the corner while on the second rope but Holly grabs him and tries for the Alabama Slam
but it is blocked so he just tosses him over the top instead. Back inside, Holly puts on an Orton lock
(that’s a chin lock, not being forced down while he takes a dump in your bag) and as Van Dam tries to break it, Holly
hits a nice dropkick. Two count on the pin attempt and RVD is able to regain control with a couple clotheslines
and a standing moonsault followed by Rolling Thunder. He then goes for the Five Star but Holly rolls out
of the way. He grabs a chair and misses with it, then RVD kicks him. He grabs the chair
and out of revenge for last week clocks Holly with it which of course causes a DQ.
Winner by DQ: Hardcore Holly
RVD goes outside and throws the chair in Holly’s
face. Big Show is up next and we go to commercial.
Back live, Rene Dupree is on an exercise bike talking about
how great he is except it appears he had the bike on the “no resistance” setting. Big Show’s
music hits and they show highlights of his “inter-promotional” appearances over the last couple of weeks. He
says he is the most dominant WWE champion of all time and wiped the ring with DX at Summerslam and last night’s Raw
(though he was probably thinking about this morning when he licked all the syrup off his plate after finishing the pancakes).
He mentions the Hell in a Cell match at Unforgiven and challenges DX to a handicapped match next week on ECW.
CM Punk is in action next as we go to commercial….again.
Commercial Comment: Is there really a difference
between any of the Girls Gone Wild DVD’s? Seems to me it’s all tits, tits and more tits.
“The Reject” Shannon Moore is shown backstage
where he says “fight the power”. Umm, so I guess he’s been listening to Public Enemy
(the rap group, not the dead tag team). CM Punk comes out next to face Stevie Richards.
CM Punk vs. Stevie Richards (Any Jobbers Left
For This Guy Match)
A trade off of arm locks then some chops. Stevie
goes for a dive but Punk gets out of the way and he goes flying between the ropes. Punk then does a suicide
dive between the ropes and collides with Richards. Back inside, Stevie gains control with a few knees to
the stomach. He goes for a back body drop but Punk makes a nice counter with a drop kick. He
gives a double armed suplex into a back breaker. Richards tries to come back but Punk gets a Eurinagi followed
by the Anaconda Vice to which Stevie taps out.
Winner: CM Punk
After a commercial (and showing #6 of 2 billion for the
trailer of “The Marine”), Matt Striker with a VERY short tie comes down to the ring. He thinks
the fans should cheer for him but instead they cheer for guys like the Sandman. He says he’s been
“ossified by his giggle water”. Just as this starts to run a bit long, Sandman’s music
hits and he enters through the crowd. He goes inside the ring, and does his traditional beer chug and cutting
himself open with the can and points right at Striker. Our teacher throws the chalkboard into Sandman then
attacks him with a stapler before escaping the ring. I’m extremely disappointed he didn’t use
my idea for Reading but really when does WWE do anything creative?
During this commercial I have to ask, did anyone notice
the absence of a certain person so far on this week’s show? I hate to jinx it but the streak may
be broken tonight.
Balls Mahoney is backstage and go figure I FUCKING JINXED
IT! Right as he begins talking, you know who comes in wondering where her boyfriend is and then decides
to flash him with her back to us. Joey and Tazz discuss Kurt Angle’s release earlier this week.
The generic ECW theme hits and Paul Heyman comes down to ringside with his armored guards.
After a commercial, Sabu makes his entrance with chair
in hand and we are ready for our main event.
Sabu vs. Paul Heyman (This Match Is Not Helping
Achieve Peace In The Middle East)
The guards attack Sabu but he is able to break free and
hits them with a chair. Heyman cowers near the ropes and as Sabu goes for a triple jump moonsault he instead
jumps right onto Big Show outside and manages to nail a DDT on the floor. The guards attack Sabu and throw
him back inside. Big Show joins in and holds him while Heyman slaps him across the face. He
screams in his Sabu’s face that he made him. Show grabs Sabu and delivers a huge head butt then calls
for a table. Styles makes an amusing comment that Heyman’s track suit is ridiculous since he never
worked out once in his life. Heyman brags about having Sabu’s blood on his hand (many would freak
out at the likelihood of diseases but what do I know). Heyman continues to taunt and Sabu tries to come
back but Show’s size and strength keeps him down. “Big Show sucks” chant starts and Show
picks up Sabu but then drops him when he sees RVD at ringside. Show grabs a chair but misses and RVD nails
a Van Daminator then skateboards the chair on Show in the corner. RVD dives on the guards outside while
Heyman tries to revive Show. Sabu then grabs Heyman and throws him down and nails an Arabian Facebuster.
He and RVD set Paul up on the table outside but as Sabu goes to dive on Heyman outside Show catches him and throws
him down. Hardcore Holly then attacks RVD outside and gives him an Alabama Slam through the table.
Show gains control again and gives a Showstopper leg drop, then drags Heyman on top to get the pin.
Winner: Paul Heyman
Holly brings another table in the ring and Show choke slams
Sabu through it then stands over him mocking DX as we go off the air.
The two matches besides the main event were both good although this DQ thing in ECW is really lame.
Not So Extreme Moment:
Of course it has to be Kelly’s completely unnecessary cameo, what else would it be?