Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(April 2009 Archives).

Navigation:
April 07, 2009
April 14, 2009
April 21, 2009
April 28, 2009

 

Hm.  Well in getting this report started I noticed something.  Today, one year ago, I wrote that fatefully tragic Raw Report that got my TWF career started.  Which means, next week is my ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY of writing the ECW report.  A report, for the record, that has yet to have one week go unrecapped with me at the helm.  Say what you want, but there’s no denying my consistency.  I’ll leave the memories alone…until next week.  I would say to be prepared for a walk down memory lane then.  Just warning you ahead of time.

 

Oh, Wrestlemania, Wrestlemania, Wrestlemania.  What a way to celebrate your 25th year.  Personally, I’m glad I got to see THAT RING GENERAL Joy Giovanni in the ring once again.  My views, because you want to hear them:

 

Colons/Miz and Morrison:  Probably deserved to be on this show more than 20 minutes of KID FUCKING ROCK.  So, anyone going to see The Matrix this Friday?  Oh, and also not a fan of the Colons winning.

 

Money in the Bank:  Didn’t see it, heard it was good shit, don’t agree with CM Punk winning again.  People wanted Christian.  And by people, I mean me.

 

Diva Battle Royal:  So the moral of the story is even the BEST 25 years of women’s wrestling has to offer is no match for the worst male wrestler on the roster?  WWE – we’re progressive.

 

Jericho/Legends:  Hilariously awful (the match AND Rourke’s drunken boxing afterwards), barring Steamboat showing he still has some goods.

 

Matt Hardy/Jeff Hardy:  I thought it was good, if a little short.  Also, Matt’s new look is going to take some getting used to.  He looked like some sort of reverse Gangrel out there to me.

 

JBL/Rey:  Why so shitty?  Not exactly how I’d want to go out (as apparently JBL’s retirement was the real deal).  Rey’s splash was just plain comical.

 

Shawn Michaels/Undertaker:  Any hyperbole you can think of, it goes here.  So, fucking, good, just go watch it.

 

Cena/Big Show/Edge:  It wasn’t bad really, but it’s tough following that last match.  Though they did do a good job, as the crowd did get into the finish.

 

HHH/Orton:  Oh boy.  Where to begin with this one.  I just imagine Trips in the back screaming to Vince “I’d rather DIE than put Orton over~!”  Preferrably, while stamping his feet and making a pouty face afterwards.  OK, I realize the good guy wins the Main Event of Wrestlemania and all, but damn, the sight of HHH standing in the middle of the ring growling in victory, with Orton lying at his feet in the fetal position, while the crowd sits there in silence – well that just tells me a story.  The story is this match SUCKED.  I’m fairly convinced no HHH/Orton pairing is ever going to be considered a classic, but to me, this match had three things holding it back.  First, the build.  You’d think that for a title match, Orton would be established as a serious threat to HHH and his belt.  You’d think that…but nope, Orton was established as a threat to HHH’s RELATIVES.  Never really HHH, so why should anyone have believed Orton would pull it out one-on-one?  Second, that bullshit stipulation, because it was basically tacked on at the end for no real reason.  I mean, Hunter just popped him with the sledgehammer in the end anyway, right?  Finally, Apparently something went long, because that ending was rather abrupt.  I BLAME YOU AGAIN, KID ROCK.  Would the match have been awesome with all those problems rectified?  Probably not.  But it wouldn’t have been as soul-crushingly depressing I bet.

 

 

Well that was fun.  Now, I know I said Hornswoggle would return tonight, BUT TOO BAD.  I now post unto you, Vince McMahon’s wet dream (also known as FCW):

 

 

 

Still standing here in the University of Texas!  And boy Tard’s sounding different…oh, well that explains it.  No more Tard Grisham!  Yay!  Leukemia boy Josh Matthews is the new announcer (presumably Tard is taking the recently departed Tazz’s spot on SmackDown).  In the ring now, Teddy Long is out to announce how he’s now the NEW GM of SmackDown!  Can’t wait to see more guys go one on one with the Undatakah, playa!  Holla!  OK, I’ll stop now.  So who’s Teddy’s replacement on here?  GENERIC BLONDE TIFFANY?!  THE FUCK?  I’m holding out hope for assistant Carlton Banks.  And out she comes to Torrie Wilson’s old music, wearing a business suit and hooker heels.  How classy.  Before GMGBT can say too much though, AWW YEAH, CHECK 1 2!  Swagger’s out to show off his healthy radioactive orange glow…oh and talk about how she should respect the champ.  She then responds to him…looking at the hard camera the whole time.  Pretty sure you’re supposed to look at who you’re talking to, but that’s just me.  So, she books another elimination chase (they did this a year or two ago), with a fatal 4-way as the main event tonight.  And…she isn’t cancer-causing terrible.  She spoke her lines well enough, I guess.  Swagger just stands there with his lips puckered the whole time, like those Guido fucks you’d find at a dance club.  Teddy gets in one more street slang line for the road, and we’re done here.  Well, at least I got the most doable GM of the three (and did I mention NO MORE TARD GRISHAM).  Unless you’re a chubby chaser, or have a thing for tiny black men.  Hey, I don’t judge here.

 

 

Quickie hype video of Cena being all over the place to promote his shitty movie 12 rounds now.  Same thing that was on Raw, movie still sucks, JUST STOP IT.  God damn.

 

 

John Morrison, The Miz, and Tyson Kidd w/ Natalya Vs. Evan Bourne and The Colons

 

Soooo…where’d the Bellas go?  Just curious, seeing how they’ve gone from Main-Eventing last week’s show to apparently vanishing off the face of the earth this week.  Oh, and if I had two championship belts, I’d probably drape them over my neck too, ala Carlito.

 

So, Colons get off to a good start, with Primo DAZZLING the crowd with corner handstands.  Carlito just slams down Miz and Kidd, but Tyson eventually gets the advantage, and Morrison tunes up Carlito for a while.  It’s no Shooting Star-ish dive to the lumberjacks like last night (seriously, that was out of nowhere, but awesome), just hits and hits and more hits.  Oh, there’s a resthold.  Carlito finally makes a hot tag to Evan Bourne, who runs wild all over Morrison, ‘rana-ing Morrison to the outside.  When Kidd and Miz try to run his ass over while he’s on the outside, a quick dodge back into the ring leaves the heels BEFUDDLED AND BAMBOOZLED going into break.  So, expect a severely beaten Evan when the commercials are over.

 

Oh, look at that, Evan’s in the fetal position in the corner coming back from break.  Boy I like being right.  After stretching Evan for a while, Kidd transfers a snapmare into a STIFF kick to the spine, which Miz promptly targets when he gets in the ring.  After another stretching, Miz slams Bourne down and rains fists down on the face.  Modified camel clutch afterwards, with Evan screaming in the old country way.  Bourne slips out and tries a (slightly botched) backslide for two, and then it’s back to more beatings.  Kidd and Miz take their turns, as Morrison does nothing but stand there…oops spoke too soon.  When Morrison tries for a double-team (that elbow drop to the guy laying on Miz’s knees thing), Bourne sends Miz and Morrison packing, and makes the hot tag to Primo.  Things break right the fuck down from here, but Kidd tries to sneak in with the springboard elbow to Primo, which bombs horribly.  For his trouble, Primo gives Kidd a backstabber, and tags in Evan to have Kidd get PPSSP’D for the loss.  Again.

 

Winner:  Evan Bourne and The Colons

 

What Stood Out:  Man, since Bourne has come back, Tyson Kidd’s been quite the bitch, eh?  Also, what is with the losing streak of Miz and Morrison?  I guess it’s that time of the year to break tag teams up.  Oh well.  They had a good run.  Nothing like a solid tag division, eh?

 

 

Raw recap video is up now, highlighting Orton having to laughably oversell for Vince in the Main Event.  Oh, and let’s not forget Batista coming back!  So, Orton gets embarrassed two nights in a row, and he’ll probably win the title at Backlash via pinning Shane McMahon or some shit.  NEW SUPERSTAR = MADE.  Surely Orton will get the big win over HHH eventually right?  RIGHT?!  Haaaa…I think I’ll go cry now.

 

 

More recap goodness, this time of the Hall of Fame ceremony.  Good for them and all, but I don’t get the point of USA televising only an hour of this.  So, all we got was Ricky Steamboat and Stone Cold.  And a fuckload of commercials.  Eh, get what you pay for, I guess.  For some reason, Josh Matthews is uncomfortably close to Striker as this package ends.  And smiling very creepily.  Like, we’re talking pedophile smile action here.  And this transfers into the Wrestlemania slide show.  Have to hold out hope that someone’s going to order the replay, right?

 

 

Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas Vs. Finlay w/ Hornswoggle Vs. Tommy Dreamer w/ general apathy Vs. Christian w/ pimping jumpsuit, Fatal 4-Way Elimination Chase Match

 

Christian’s sporting a nasty looking shiner from the MitB match, and I still hate Hornswoggle.  Just thought I’d throw that out there.

 

This is impossible to recap right from the get-go, so let’s get general and vague!  Things are even from the opening bell, but it’s time for Henry to BLACK UP and murder everybody else in the match.  It was quite the bloody scene, let me tell you.  And it’s the return of the 2 minutes in commercial break!

 

Back from break, Henry is still destroying everyone, until all three guys team up to suplex his huge ass, then kick him to the outside.  Apparently he suffers from King Hippo Syndrome, as he’s left lying on the outside for a while.  Dreamer and Finlay go back and forth, until Christian comes in to knock Finlay off the top, only for a SUPER Victory Roll off the top to Dreamer for two.  Now it’s Finlay/Christian, which goes back and forth until Dreamer pops back in to nail the Tree of Woe Dropkick to Finlay.  And hey!  Henry’s back up all of a sudden!  And he destroys everyone all over again.  Long story short (mainly because this is getting on my nerves at this point), Henry gets Dreamer up for the World’s Strongest Slam.  Hornswoggle unhooks Finlay from the Tree of Woe, gives him the stick, which he promptly uses on Henry’s face.  Finlay pins him right after to send him packing.

 

Winner:  Finlay

 

What Stood Out:  One thing bugged me slightly.  The point of this match was to basically, NOT LOSE, right?  Well, the other guys were breaking some of the pins up.  Um, why?  Just curious.  Dead-ass crowd for this one too.

 

The white guys emote randomly (score one for discrimination!) as this week’s show wraps up.  THE END.

 

Uppers:  Meh, both matches were OK, I guess.  Hell of a lot longer than last week, at least.  Lack of Tard is always welcome.  Josh did a respectable job on his first night on the job.  Yeah, can’t really say anything else…

 

Downers:  Again, it was video package city tonight, with a solid TWO matches getting thrown together tonight.  Also, I don’t know how to take the revelation of GMGBT.  So, I choose to react negatively.  Oh well, at least she was listed as the interim GM.  But last time that title was tossed around, we got Vickie Guerrero.  Just something to think about.

 

Overall:  I will go with saying…at least they’re trying to get something together.  So, I take that as a positive step.  Now, if they can go back to adding a third match in, we’d be set.  So, slightly angled up thumbs from me.

 

 

Time to sign off for this week.  I’m Neil McGilloway, saying where’s my awesome description paragraph after this?  It’s been a year, shouldn’t I have earned it by now?  COME ON~!


 

(04/14/09)

 

OK, well, based on unforeseen circumstances, no nostalgia trip this week, which is my 1-year anniversary writing the ECW Report for TWF.  Dry them tears, I know you’re sad.  I’ll write about my thoughts on it next week, promise.

 

Regarding wrestling, how about that supreme butt-fuckery last night?  While we still don’t know the results of the supplemental draft, pretty much all of the big moves have been made, right?  So, time for some EXPERT ANALYSIS:

 

SD to ECW, Vladimir Koslov – I guess I should care about this somewhat, but I really don’t.  Koslov will probably just be a white Mark Henry, squashing bitches with the greatest of ease.  Luckily, he won’t sweat a liter of fluids from walking from the entranceway to the ring.  Thank God.

 

SD to Raw, Triple H – You knew he couldn’t stay away for long.  I found King and Cole creaming themselves at the announcement to be especially hilarious, especially because Matt Hardy was drafted to Raw 1 minute earlier and they couldn’t give nearly a shit about it.

 

SD to Raw, MVP – Eh, either he continues his reign on Raw for a long while, or he loses it, then I guess maybe gets elevated eventually?  Or flounders about in the mid-card?  Who knows?  I guess they have some confidence in him, but I think this move was more about getting the U.S. Title on Raw.

 

SD to Raw, Matt Hardy – Gets his ass away from Jeff for a while, maybe.  As far as what he’d do on Raw?  Hell if I know.  He’s definitely not a main eventer yet.

 

SD to Raw, Maryse – She’s good at acting like a bitch, and THAT’S IT.  Who thought she was a good wrestler, really?  Also the acting thing is suspect to me.  Sometimes, I look at her and I think she may be legally retarded.  Ralph Wiggum with boobs, if you will.

 

SD to Raw, Big Show – This is to continue the Vickie thing, nothing really new, moving on.

 

ECW to Raw, The Miz – I’m more upset about the only good tag team in the company being broken up.  As far as how Miz will do, I would bet on a U.S. Title run eventually, and that’s about it.  He’s certainly a lot more bearable than when he first came into the company, that’s for damn sure.  So, Miz and Morrison did its job.

 

Raw to SD, Rey Mysterio – Apparently they want to recapture that ever-elusive HISPANIC DEMOGRAPHIC, so over he goes to Friday nights!  Where he’ll continue to do the same act.  Eternally.

 

Raw to SD, Chris Jericho – A good move, as due to other moves, Chris Jericho is instantly up there with Edge on the main event heel level.  Which is a hell of a lot better than battling geriatrics on Raw.

 

Raw to SD, Melina – Well, she’s Hispanic too.  Plus, they switched ANOTHER title.  The Divas’ championship is big time now, and the Women’s title is bush league.  Swish that around for a while and see how that tastes.

 

Raw to SD, Kane – Probably some retarded “Brothers of Destruction” bullshit at some point down the line, but other than that, I guess he’s Koslov’s replacement.

 

Raw to SD, CM Punk – I would have to say this move was pretty good, as again, since Raw absolutely PILLAGED the main event from SmackDown, CM Punk is all of a sudden, dare I say it?  A MAIN EVENT FACE.  Seriously?  Yep.  I would say he’ll be the catalyst to getting a world title back on SD, seeing how Raw has both now.  Yep, SmackDown is most definitely the B show again.

 

So, we’ll see what happens, but come on, everyone knows the draft is when Raw rapes the other brands into the dirt.  Kane/The Brian Kendrick?  Come on, who do you think’s winning that?

 

Alright, so before we get into the report, let me take a little time to explain why I’m declining first anniversary festivities.  You see, it’s a sad, sad day in Philly today.  Famed and loved Phillies announcer Harry Kalas ended up dying yesterday at the age of 73 from heart disease.  Hey!  My family has a history of that!  So, nothing like a depressing look into the future, right?  Seriously though, Kalas was what made watching the Phillies great.  Hearing him say “Swing and a miss, struck him out!” and “That ball is outta here!” just plain never got old.  Ironically, where he died was in the announce booth.  So, he died doing what he loved, at least.  If there’s any silver lining, when the Phillies won the World Series in 1980, he didn’t call the clinching game.  So, at least he was able to rectify that, if only rather shortly before his passing.  And, the Phillies won yesterday too!  Granted, they WERE up against the winless Nationals, but still.  Watching anything around Philly was just plain tough, to be sure, as everybody voiced their thoughts on the guy.  Even if you didn’t know him, if you were a Philadelphia sports fan, you felt like you just lost an uncle.  Rest In Peace Harry, you will definitely be missed.

 

 

OK, time to steer this car back on the road to tastelessness!  Let’s get to it!

 

 

Still standing here in the University of Tennessee!  Yeeee haw!  And to get things going right away…

 

John Morrison w/o Slammy, w/o titles, w/o The Dirt Sheet, and w/o The Miz Vs. Evan Bourne

 

Man, Morrison does keep things cool, that’s for sure.  If I lost all that in one day I’d probably kill myself.  Maybe.  Based on his opponent, I guess that wasn’t a face turn we saw last night.  Also, on the subject of Evan Bourne, remember when him and Rey had a competitive match?  Yeah, that wasn’t last night.

 

Morrison and Bourne trade arm wrenches and headlocks to start us off, and apparently these two are putting on an amateur wrestling clinic!  Har.  Morrison eventually goes for a front dropkick off the turnbuckle, which Bourne hilariously just jumps back to avoid.  However, this is all for nothing as Morrison does still end up whooping the shit out of him.  Bourne gets in a few shots, but whiffs on a Shining Wizard, and it’s back to getting beat.  Bourne, after getting slinged to the apron, open hand chops Morrison down, but Morrison SWEEPS THE LEG to and knees Evan in the head to send him to the outside.  Put ‘im in a body bag, Johnny, yeah!  Yes, I had to do that.  After a quick number outside, Morrison gets Bourne in a Torture Rack-like maneuver for a little while, before Bourne spins out and ‘ranas Morrison to the outside.  But, when Evan tries to fly, all he gets for his trouble is a dropkick to the knees as he runs to stop that shit cold going into the first break of the night.  Whew.  Seriously, this match is very fast-paced.

 

Coming out of the break, Morrison is working a cobra clutch of all things, until Bourne battles out.  However, in a nice visual, when Bourne goes for a roundhouse, Morrison ducks and gives Bourne one of his own in one smooth motion.  Bourne does come back for a few shots, but NOPE, armbar.  Oops, wait, make that Rings of Saturn into a pin for two.  WAIT, make that a hammerlock/crossface combo.  Seriously, where is all this shit coming from?  Crowd is getting into it somewhat, but not as much as I would like.  Come on, this match is gold!  Bourne runs Morrison into the turnbuckle to escape the hold, they lays his ass out with a rough looking LARIATO~! And then it’s kicks galore to get the two count.  Whip to the corner, both guys go up top, and Bourne leaps up from the ground to ‘rana Morrison off the top rope!  Holy shit, that’s some serious jumping ability.  Back to Morrison kicking ass though, but soon both guys are out on the outside due to a clotheslining over the top rope.  Both guys get back in at 8, but Bourne gets up top and hits the double knee press for a REALLY close 2 count.  Now it’s just down to the two guys stiffing the fuck out of each other.  One kick is caught, but when Morrison goes for the Moonlight Drive, he gets a tiger knee to the face for his trouble.  Bourne goes up for the PPSSP now, but when he’s up, Morrison springs to life with a leaping roundhouse, and with Bourne stunned on the top turnbuckle, nails a NICE hangman’s Moonlight Drive for the victory.

 

Winner:  John Morrison

 

What Stood Out:  AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME.  Morrison, Bourne, and whoever the fuck booked this should all get raises, because that is what ECW should all be about.  Great wrestling, selling, long matches, and exciting finishes.  What also stood out was the crowd, who only REALLY came to life for the end.  Shame on you people – you should’ve been on your feet for that one.

 

 

TO THE BACK now, with the red menace walking to the ring for his match…menacingly.  Score one for redundancy!

 

Vladimir Koslov Vs. David Floridia?  Who cares, he’s losing.

 

It’s a shame this guy sucks in the ring so bad, as he is apparently a fucking legend of Sambo, and I LOVED him in Werewolf Women of the SS!

 

Kicks, punches, chokes, headbutts, and a chokeslam for the wictory.  That’s not a typo.

 

Winner:  Vladimir Koslov

 

What Stood Out:  His finisher is a chokeslam now?  OK then.

 

After the bell, Vlad gives a HEATED promo (not really) about how he’s going to dominate ECW.  Aw man, here I was hoping he’d want to be friends!

 

 

TO THE BACK…again, as we see Finlay and Hornswoggle doing squats.  Hornswoggle then needs some help down from the stack of folding tables he was on.  Get it?  Because he’s small!  Why couldn’t someone have drafted him?  Preferably to the U.S. Armed Forces?  Please?

 

 

Now, in General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany’s office, it’s time for a heartfelt conversation with her and the Burchills regarding the supplemental draft.  They don’t want to be split up; GMGBT says it may happen, too bad.  Now Swagger comes in to make match suggestions for the new Superstars show (the Velocity to ECW’s Heat) on WGN.  I’m not even sure if I get that channel yet!  Anyway, the ECW match for the debut show will be the Elimination Chase final, between the two non-losers of the main event.  GMGBT then plays the supportive GM role, saying keep the ideas coming, and that Swagger’s beating at the hands of Cena last night was a good match.  Mmm, I smell sexual tension.  Mr. Banks is not amused.

 

 

Christian Vs. Tommy Dreamer Vs. Finlay w/ Hornswoggle, Triple Threat Elimination Chase match for the ECW Championship at Backlash

 

Holy shit!  No recap fest?  For real?  NIIIIIIIICE.  Modern day miracle, I tell you.

 

Tommy grabs his fatty rolls at the opening bell.  Probably had a minor heart attack.  Shit gets hectic right away, with Christian dominating the early going.  Tommy turns things around though, sending Christian to the outside to take a powder.  Finlay then immediately stops any momentum Dreamer had and just hammers away on Dreamer.  Christian then pops back in to help Tommy out, but he gets BAAAAAAACK BODY DROPPED for his trouble.  Dreamer hands out some suplexes and elbow drops, only for ONE counts, because, according to Striker, they still have lots of energy this early in the match.  See, we call that expert analysis.  Dreamer and Finlay eventually fall to the outside, and Christian flies from the top rope onto the two fatties, leading to CARNAGE going into break.  Again, fast paced shit – somewhat surprising since I thought the rule was for one guy to lie outside for 5 minutes for no reason while the other two guys go at it.  DAMN YOU, FAN LAWS!

 

Back from break, Christian is going up top AGAIN, but Finlay sends him flying to the floor.  Finlay once again tees off on Dreamer, working a headlock as Striker makes an error in commentary, saying that there’s countouts and DQ’s in the match.  He then proceeds to kayfabe getting handed a note to correct himself.  Imaginative cover, at least.  Finlay continues to work over Dreamer, stopping every so often to slap down Christian when he tries to interrupt things.  Eventually Dreamer powers out and suplexes Finlay, dodges a leaping Christian, and drop toeholds him into Finlay’s gut.  It was a nice spot I think.  Now it’s Christian and Finlay going up top, but Dreamer interrupts to superplex Christian.  Finlay was supposed to stay in the Tree of Woe spot during this, but he slips off.  So, Dreamer puts him back into that spot afterwards and dropkicks him anyway.  Things break right the fuck down soon after, and it’s finishers a plenty.  Finlay proceeds to no-sell Dreamer’s DDT (it gets a two count), Christian tries to join in the fun with a Killswitch, but ends up getting tangled in the ropes.  So, he gets a front row seat to watch Finlay Celtic Cross Dreamer’s ass right on out of the Elimination Chase.

 

Winner:  Finlay

 

What Stood Out:  Another good match, as things were kept fast-paced throughout.  Though, two things.  One, Finlay wins AGAIN.  So I can see him winning the next match two.  This does not please me, as they already did this match at No Way Out.  VARIETY, PEOPLE.  Second, man, WHAT A PUSH DREAMER IS GETTING.  Did I miss something, or do they just not give a shit anymore?

 

Finlay and Christian have a little stare-down as the show ends.  Yay foreigners!  Boo Americans!  THE END.

 

 

Uppers:  Looks like someone noticed it was a special day for me, because I got me a nice little anniversary present tonight!  Morrison/Bourne and the Main Event were both good, with Morrison/Bourne being downright fucking awesome.  Also, plot being established?  No recaps of other shit clogging up the middle of the show?  Am I watching ECW?

 

Downers:  Not a fan of squashes, so the Koslov match gets a little minus.  Also, seeing another Swagger/Finlay snoozefest on the horizon is not making me so optimistic.  Surprisingly, that’s…really all I can think of.

 

Overall:  WHY CAN’T THEY DO THIS EVERY WEEK?!  Seriously, GREAT show tonight.  Also, was Miz holding Morrison back or something?  That was like, another level of awesome for him tonight.  If he can do that every week, he can do whatever the fuck he wants.  Shoot up as much horse testosterone as you want, buddy.

 

 

Nice way to start year 2, that’s for sure.  Until next week, loyal few!

SEND FEEDBACK TO NEIL MCGILLOWAY

 

(04/21/09)

 

Hello, I’m Neil McGilloway, and I make viruses my bitch.  Just thought you’d like to know.  I fuck them shits up.  However, as a result, I didn’t have time to find me a picture/GIF for this week.  You’ll have to forgive me, somehow.

 

So, it’s been a year for me, and time for a review.  Recall, the only reason I got this job in the first place is because ECW was the redheaded stepchild of the TWF staff.  One that happened to have highly communicable herpes, hepatitis, syphilis, and dick cancer.  Luckily, I already have all of that!  It hurts to do anything.  However, doing this report instantly makes any ECW I do even more enjoyable, as I have an appropriate outlet to vent my frustration over the most insignificant things.  It’s what being a TWF writer’s all about to me!  Sometimes I do wish just how many hits my articles get, though.  It’d be nice to know if I’m writing to like a hundred thousand people, or if my only reader is…well, me.  However, I do take some pride in my work.  Fancy that, eh?  So, the fact that I’m still here is somewhat of a testament to my skills (either that or THE BOSS is feeling sorry for me/too lazy to can my ass).  So, let me thank you, my fans, for letting me entertain you.  I’ve lost a girlfriend, lost a job, and lost a grandmother since I’ve started, but DAMN IT, I JUST KEEP COMING BACK.  You love it, though.

 

So, who wants to talk about the supplemental draft?  No one?  Sounds good to me!  Seriously, finding a way to care was hard enough with the draft last week, so, really, whatthefuckever. ECW gets a couple new guys, like the SUPERSTAR Zack Ryder, and loses a couple people, like John Morrison (damn it, I knew there was a catch to that match last week!) and Hornswoggle (FUCK YEAH!  THERE IS A GOD!).  Not too much else, really.  So, with that said, let’s get to it!

 

 

Still standing here in London, England!  OOOH A CONTRACT SIGNING TONIGHT.  I SURE HOPE NOTHING GOES WRONG.  And out comes Team Irish, and WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE.  Hornswoggle was supposed to be moved to Raw by now!  I thought there was finally a light at the end of the tunnel.  Crap.  Finlay starts speaking, saying tonight’s Horny’s last night on ECW.  So, how do they celebrate?  HORNSWOGGLE IS GOING TO WRESTLE.  Pleasebemarkhenry Pleasebemarkhenry Pleasebemarkhenry Pleasebemarkhenry Pleasebemarkhenry.  What?  Maybe Mark will do us all a favor and mistake him for some leftover Easter Candy.  So, out comes Tyson Kidd and Natalya to interrupt and make fun of the midget.  Finlay retorts to call them Teletubbies (huh?) and calls Tyson Kidd the midget instead.  Natalya retorts to the retort by namedropping The Dungeon and Uncle Bret, saying Tyson’s destiny is to be the best there ever will be.  Also she says she’d beat Horny’s ass into the dirt.  Hornswoggle responds by trying to pants Nattie, with some grab-ass for good measure.  Hey, I can’t blame the guy.  I’d probably do the same damn thing if I were him.  So, after the Canucks scatter, Natalya challenges Hornswoggle to a match…and apparently we have to sit through a commercial break to find out the answer.  Gee, I wonder what the answer will be?

 

Back from break, apparently it’s official, seeing how the match started already, so…

 

Natalya w/ Tyson Kidd Vs. Hornswoggle w/ Finlay

 

Nattie opens up with a pride-obliterating bitch-slap, and Hornswoggle…grabs ass again.  God damnit.  But he does hit a spear out of nowhere, which Natalya hilariously oversells like it’s Hogan-HBK in there.  Things break down to total shit right after that, with Tyson getting a face-full of Horny’s jacket, then run off by Finlay.  Nattie just shoves him down, which is met with THUNDEROUS boos, surprisingly.  While Nattie goes and has a stern talking with Tyson and Finlay, she gets caught in a DEADLY roll-up for the pin.  Apparently the sheer devastation of that move knows no gender.

 

Winner:  Hornswoggle

 

What Stood Out:  Umm…who cares?  HE’S FUCKING GONE!  YIPPEE!

 

After the bell, the Canadians scatter…again, and kids hop into the ring for a final ECW jig.  Again, normally I’d be outraged and annoyed as hell by this, but I must repeat myself here…HE’S FUCKING GONE!  YIPPEE!

 

 

TO THE BACK, we see General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany finishing off a scene of Naughty Office with some pale redheaded guy (I can dream, but seriously some random douche was sitting there for some reason), when Nattie busts in to do some screaming about her match.  Nattie wants him fired (no complaints here), GMGBT says no, and makes a tag match between the Canadians and the Irish for Superstars.  Boy, SHAME I DON’T GET WGN AS I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE SEEN THAT.  I CAN’T STOP YELLING FOR SOME REASON.

 

 

Video package for the main event last night on Raw is up now, and…well this package makes it a hell of a lot more exciting than I though it was.  This match was history making for me, actually.  I can say it was the first wrestling match that I fell asleep watching.  So, that should tell you how much a fan I am of this feud.  Though, HHH taking a three count for once is a bright spot to anyone’s day.  Except, I guess, for Hunter.

 

 

Evan Bourne Vs. Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea Burchill

 

It’s really quite amazing how much of a dork Evan looks like.  He needs to work on his charisma BAD.  Come on, the fans only pop when he hits the PPSSP!  Fucking do something else, man!  Surprisingly, the Burchills do NOT get the jobber entrance.  Must be because they’re in England.  Know what they also don’t get?  A reaction.  Like, at all.  I mean, this is taped, right?  Too lazy to add some boos or cheers in?

 

Evan starts things off with the quickness, and Burchill comes back with power.  Haven’t seen that before!  After Burchill slows things down, he locks in a dragon sleeper for a little while.  Evan powers out, but just gets clotheslined down for his trouble.  This, actually, gets some respectable boos.  Butterfly suplex LAUNCHES Bourne across the ring, then Burchill slaps his thighs to get the crowd going.  OK then, Double knees to the face of Bourne gets some oohs and aahs, Bourne goes for some of his kicks, but Burchill catches a leg and suplexes him again.  Maybe he saw an opening for “human suplex machine” now that Taz finally left?  Who knows?  Back to the chinlock now, and this goes on for a while.  Well, at least they’re making Burchill look good tonight.  Bourne slips out, but he just ends up getting a BAAAAAAAAACK BODY DROP for his trouble.  More of the same until Bourne FINALLY turns things around with some punches and kicks to get the standing 10-count.  Both guys get up, and Bourne nails a tiger knee to send Burchill to the outside.  When he gets back in, Bourne hits a running roll-up for two, followed by more kicks, clotheslines, and Bourne is a HOUSE EN FUEGO.  So, Burchill hits an uranage.  Bourne does come back when Burchill goes for the double knees again, this time missing.  Bourne up for the PPSSP, which get cut-off by Pirate Paul, but Bourne sends Burchill flying anyway.  PPSSP right after wins it.

 

Winner:  Evan Bourne

 

What Stood Out:  A good match for sure.  Burchill got to look good, Bourne got a win to get the momentum back from last week, and like I said, the crowd only really got into Evan when he made his comeback.  But damn that PPSSP is pretty.

 

 

Before the next match, we get a quick video package of Koslov kicking things and looking sweaty.  Well, my day just got better.

 

Vladmir Koslov Vs. Frankie Sloan

 

I don’t know why, but I find Koslov’s walk to be unintentionally funny.  It kind of looks like he’s imitating Vince McMahon at times.  Koslov also gets on the microphone before the match, to announce Russian athletes are superior.  Hey, it’s like the 80’s all over again!

 

So yeah, you know how this one goes.  Headbutt, shitty chokeslam, over.

 

Winner:  Vladimir Koslov

 

What Stood Out:  That jobber sure had some nice flowing locks going.  I assure you I’m very straight.

 

 

Swagger, with a gray suit and perma-puckered lips walks to the ring MENACINGLY, so it must be time for the…

 

ULTRA-MEGA-IMPORTANT BUT NOT REALLY CONTRACT SIGNING CHALLENGE:  Christian Vs. Jack Swagger

 

May I say how happy I was to find out I was wrong about Finlay winning the elimination chase?  Answer:  very.  GMGBT’s cowbell-licious song plays us out of the commercial break, and boy oh boy, A for effort, woman.  She had this weird way of trying to hype up the title match at Backlash.  I cannot even describe it, but I can’t stop laughing.  It was like, a 7 year old was in the ring announcing it or something!  I think she was trying to do a Lillian Garcia impersonation.  So Christian’s out first, looking pretty casual for such a FORMAL OCCASION, then Swagger, sadly, who does not do his ape-like movements in his suit.  What a shame. Crowd gets behind Christian big as they just…stand there.  Both eventually sit, as GMGBT goes through some pseudo-legal bullshit (I guess the redhead earlier was some sort of lawyer?) and it’s Christian to sign first.  And…he signs it!  And he passes the contract to Swagger!  DEAR LORD THIS IS EXCITING.  Swagger signs, then decides to talk a little trash…well, as best he can with that lisp.  But he’s improving at least.  Swagger gloats saying how he’s stronger, faster, and how he can’t beat Christian.  Yep.  He just, you know, kind of did it in his first match returning to WWE.  Swagger gets up to leave, but Christian finally speaks, saying he didn’t want to make fun of him because it was too easy.  There’s so much material, you see.  Christian ends with saying Swagger can focus on being bigger, stronger, and faster, and Christian can focus on Sunday, and dethroning him.  All in all, it was a good back and forth between the two.  So, GMGBT leaves, Swagger holds the title in front of Christian’s face, then he tosses the title at him to distract him. Christian gets in a few shots, but Swagger stops that shit with a clothesline, and Doctor Bombs him through the contract table.

 

Winner:  Jack Swagger

 

What Stood Out:  OK, I’m going to stop pretending this was a match now.

 

Swagger puts his suit jacket back on and holds the title high as we’re done this week.  Well, they made the title match at least slightly interesting – that counts for something, right?  THE END.

 

 

Uppers:  Hmmm, let’s go with Bourne/Burchill.  Good, lengthy match between good workers.  What more can you ask for?  Also, for as goofy as the contract signing was, it still built very well for the title match Sunday.  Of course, who the hell is buying Backlash for THAT, I’ll never know, but still, also good stuff.

 

Downers:  Koslov gets another squash.  Yet.  Oh, and Hornswoggle competes against Natalya gets a minus from me as well.  Not so much for the match, but because that bulkhead got two scoops of that ass.  I can be jealous, it’s my right!

 

Overall:  A decent show I’d say.  Not as good as last week, but come on, that shit was just plain awesome.  However, with a good match and a good closing segment, can’t ask for too much else, right?

 

 

Fun stuff.  Until next week, this is Neil McGilloway, saying HE’S FUCKING GONE!  YIPPEE!

SEND FEEDBACK TO NEIL MCGILLOWAY

 

(04/28/09)

 

Hello, I’m Neil McGilloway, and did I really try to use the term bulkhead as an insult last week?  *checks* Yes, yes I did.  Moral of the story – use spellcheck responsibly.  Oh and to be random, I’m currently sweating my balls off here.  It’s over 90 degrees here, in f’ing APRIL, in JERSEY?!  REALLY?  I’m refusing to turn my air on out of defiance, and I’m paying the price.  Whoop, there go my balls, completely sweated off.  Guess I’m a woman now.  Call me Neal McGilloway.

 

Quick thoughts on Backlash, yes?  I didn’t see it, but I heard it was good shit.  So, I shall hop in with all the other sheep and say yes, it was good.  I can approve of the title changes in particular.  Though, what was the point of Edge losing the title in the first place?  That’s the biggest fucking hot potato I’ve ever seen!  Christian getting the ECW title, actually, I’m indifferent to.  I really am clueless where they’re going with things storyline wise.  Finally, Orton just goes ahead and destroys HHH, which pleases me to no end.  Heard he got a bit of a “goodbye” chant while he was stretchered out, which is hilarious.  Take your time getting better, Trips.

 

However, I did see Raw last night.  Two thoughts.  Apparently, John Cena is scared of The Miz of all people.  He was there, why didn’t he just come out and give him a quick Attitude Adjustment, huh? HUH?  Exactly.  Chickenshit.  Also, I thought WWE learned their lesson, but apparently not.  I hope they read this:  BIG SHOW AND BATISTA SHOULD NEVER GO ONE ON ONE.  EVER.  The results are just plain catastrophic.  In fact, I’ll prove it.  This will take the slot for The Weekly Pic/GIF of Hornswoggle but not anymore because he’s not on my show YAY that pleases me:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m8kFpKWz80

 

For the record, that match always entertains me.  God I love the Hammerstein Ballroom.  Let’s get to it.

 

 

Speaking of Hammerstein, still standing here in NYC!  It’s Madison Square Garden though.  Well, ECW finally made it to the big time.  It just needed to get bought out and raped into the dirt first.  Before the show starts, they do a video recap of the ECW Championship match from Backlash.  And, Christian stole DJ Gabriel’s SHORYUKEN!  Can you get sued for stealing finishers?  So, no opening theme, just Christian coming out to bask in some C show glory for winning his shiny platinum (not really) ECW Championship.  Christian then tries to put over the win, saying it’s “the greatest day of his career.”  Technically…yeah.  He assumes Swagger is going to come out to interrupt him, but SWERVE; it’s a very dapper Tommy Dreamer instead.  Striker puts him over as a NYC favorite, but gets like no reaction whatsoever coming down.  Slight ECW chant when his music’s over, but that’s about it.  It’s kind of sad, really.  Dreamer congratulates Christian on the win, and then reminds us OH YEAH, HE ACTUALLY HAS A STORYLINE WHERE HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE TRYING TO WIN THE TITLE BEFORE HIS CONTRACT’S UP.  He gets emotional, which is also sad when half the personnel in the WWE can’t remember that this storyline still exists.  Dreamer asks for a title shot, Christian tries to make it for tonight, and NOW Swagger interrupts.  Swagger whines about how Christian cheated, gets some you sucks from the crowd, and claims no one is getting a title shot before him, which he gets at Judgment Day.  Swagger tries to leave and is then hilariously startled when COWBELL HAPPENS.  General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany comes out, and with her 3rd grader like elocution, makes Dreamer/Christian for the title tonight, and Swagger/Let’s face it, Christian for JD.  Swagger complains as we go to break, and I have to say, Swagger does not do sullen well at all.  He looks fucking 15 years older when he’s all frowny.  It’s kind of disturbing.  Busey-like, if you will.

 

 

Tyson Kidd w/ Natalya Vs. Finlay

 

Two notes before the match.  One, before the break they did a quick backstage shot of Natalya styling Kidd’s hair.  Just felt like saying that.  Also, Finlay STILL has that pussy music, which I had hoped he would lose once he dropped that midget-shaped load of dead weight.  Oh, one more.  ECW back to 10 PM starting next week.  LAME.  I liked getting this shit done early!

 

Basic amateur stuff to start us off, with Finlay getting the upper hand via a shoulder block.  Missile dropkick by Kidd gets swatted down into a single leg crab, Kidd gets out of it, and gets a STIFF clothesline to the outside.  So, they’re establishing early this one’s going to be physical, which I approve of.  If guys have to potato the shit out of each other to get their match across, who am I to stop them?  Plus, both these guys have to pay for past sins.  Especially Finlay.  Ohhhh man, he has to pay.

 

Back from break, Finlay is still dominating the shit out of Kidd, until a quick kick to the…armpit?  OK, the armpit puts Finlay down, and Kidd starts wrenching the everloving FUCK out of Finlay’s leg, contorting to a surprising degree.  Didn’t know Finlay was that flexible.  This various leglockery goes on for a while, with Kidd emoting LOUDLY the whole time.  Sometimes he screams, “I’ll break his leg,” with Natalya responding with “yeah, break it!”  Now that’s selling that shit.  Finlay gets a few shots in here and there, but Kidd goes for the knee over and over.  Lariat here, boot with the other leg, backslide, powerslam all buy time.  Finlay gets going and tries for the front rolling Samoan Drop, but he buckles and gets a leaping roundhouse to the face for his trouble.  Finlay goes outside, and Kidd tries to go for a baseball slide.  You know how this story ends.  Kidd gets caught in the apron, wails on him, and throws him back in the ring.  As Finlay follows though, Natalya’s boobs distract him and the ref, so Tyson Kidd pops him with the shillelagh for a somewhat surprising roll-up victory.

 

Winner:  Tyson Kidd

 

What Stood Out:  Tyson looking somewhat threatening for starters.  Make no mistake, Finlay’s sold as a big player on ECW, so this victory might be some kind of push for Kidd.  Of course, Finlay will probably get his win back next week, so bask in it for now, Canucks.

 

 

Vladimir Koslov comes out, in like fucking Spetsnaz gear or something to cut a promo.  Umm, I am not decided on if this is the worst thing I’ve ever seen, or the best.  Same thing as last week really.  Vlad wants to achieve global domination.  Welcome to 1980!  This lasted all of 2 minutes, to cut back to NOW the best thing I’ve ever seen, backstage interviewer GREGORY HELMS.  Dude cleans up nice, but you can just tell he HATES this role.  Looks stiff as fuck.  He tries to interview Evan Bourne, but the Burchills interrupt to let him know of a rematch on Superstars.  OK then.  One “whatsupwitdat” for old times’ sake, and we’re done here.  If he does that every week, I think I may kill myself.

 

 

Tommy Dreamer Vs. Christian, Title Match for the ECW Championship

 

Well, they’re giving this one some serious time.  Dreamer was out at 9:37, for starters.  Sure, they cut right to commercial as he made his entrance, but that still leaves about almost 20 minutes.  Big in ring introductions to start us off and here we go!  Oh wait, quick note, Dreamer has some awesome shining silver pants on.  I will buy some for interviews.

 

Headlocks and arm drags aplenty start us off, with the two guys going back and forth with some basic stuff.  All the while, Striker is adding his usual awesome two cents into this one, hyping importance and history between the two, and history they have with MSG as well.  Seriously though, this is some really slow stuff.  Just various pins, lacking amounts of actual strikes, two counts, and all that.  After catching a leaping Christian with a power slam for two, things get ugly in a hurry.  Christian pops up with an apparently metal-loaded slap to the face, because that puts Dreamer down on his knees going into break.  I happen to like the mutual respect thing turning bad when things heat up.  Makes the intensity of the match a little better.  And I’d love to make some shitty jokes, but these guys are giving me NOTHING.

 

Back from break, Dreamer gets tossed into the steel post, and it’s time for Christian to go to work on the shoulder!  So, as if it wasn’t completely obvious, Christian is the bad guy in this match.  Christian does some more shots to the arm, and then finishes with a Missile Dropkick for another two count.  After that, it’s resthold time, with Christian wrenching the arm.  I happened to notice that Dreamer’s bald spot is coming back while this is going on.  Bourne/Morrison this one ain’t.  Superplex on Christian turns things around for a little bit, but Christian goes right back to work on the arm.  At least they’re TRYING to make Dreamer look like a legit threat here.  Clothesline from Dreamer sends the both to take a breather on the outside, but both are back in before 10.  Christian goes off the top rope AGAIN, gets popped in the gut, and now it’s a pin reversal frenzy!  Two counts over and over off of various pinning combinations, but Dreamer just wipes him the fuck out with a slow, but painful looking clothesline.  And, now I’m angry.  See, Dreamer then set Christian up in the Tree of Woe position, but then OH LOOK Jack Swagger runs in and beats up on Dreamer, tossing the last 20-ish minutes out the window.  Joy.

 

Winner:  Technically, Tommy Dreamer.  Really, not a fucking person.

 

What Stood Out:  I think I’ll go with THE FUCKING SHITTY FINISH TO A WELL-PACED MATCH.  It was good stuff until then.  Seriously, they made Dreamer look good.  That’s how you know a match is something special.

 

After the catastrophe, Swagger sends Dreamer backing with a suplex, and then wails on Christian a little bit, before planting him with a Doctor Bomb.  And we’re done here.  Swagger smiles while I go grab a beer.  THE END.

 

 

Uppers:  Kidd/Finlay.  It was a fun little match, and they may be, GASP, trying to elevate Kidd a little bit!  Next up, Dreamer/Christian – the opening segment, and the main event, up to about 9:57.  It was looking like a good match up until about that time.  Finally, I’ve made a decision.  Spetsnaz Koslov is AWESOME.  He looked surprisingly cool in that military get-up.

 

Downers:  HOLY SHIT, what was the point of giving the main event that much time if Swagger is just going to run in and make it all pointless?  I can get what they were trying to do, sort of.  Swagger ruins everybody’s fun, so people boo him by default.  Instant heel heat!  Except, just no.  That’s people booing because they were getting into a match only to HAVE IT ALL GO TO TOTAL SHIT.  So it’s less “blame Swagger” and more “blame who writes this shit” on this matter.  DQ finishes are a bit touchy.   Want another example of doing it badly?  There’s that youtube link right up there.  Show and Batista weren’t doing themselves any favors out there in front of that crowd, but who thought a blatant DQ finish was going to sit well in front of a crowd used to the old rules of ECW, that is, NO FUCKING DQ FINISHES.  Also, I kind of feel bad for Helms.  I could just see his desire to wrestle so much, but nope.  Do backstage stuff, and throw out catchphrases you used probably at least 5 years ago.  Funnily enough, you could say the same thing for Josh Matthews.  Feeling bad = downer.

 

Overall:  You know what?  THUMBS DOWN.  Swagger running in really soured my mood.  Take that out, it was a good show though.  Plus, maybe they’ll try taking Tommy Dreamer seriously now?  Hey, I can dream…er.

 

 

Pizza with Pepperoni and Jalapenos is calling my name, so…yeah.  Later.

SEND FEEDBACK TO NEIL MCGILLOWAY

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).