Good evening, morning, or whatever the hell time it is when you are reading this. I shall be filling in for a certain Mr. Anvil today, whose computer, like the obese hooker he hired, is completely and utterly fucked to death. He tried to fix it, but she just wouldn't wake up. No matter how many times he stamped on her back.

Anyhoo, let's get our ECW on.

The show opens tonight with a grim reminder of how the ECW title was hung, drawn and quartered on the grandest stage of them all a few days ago. They show Kane eliminating The World's Strongest most Sexual Chocolate, Mark Henry. We're then shown Kane's 8-second ruination of Chavo's shit. What you don't see is 70,000 people collectively thinking "Well, it could be worse, I mean at least it wasn't Henry. We're in for a decent m-OH WHAT THE FUCK!?"

Or maybe that was just me? Maybe I was the only one that noticed an 8 second long squash match is NICHT SEHR GUT FUR MEINE WRESTLEMANIA?

Kane heads to the ring, and Pyro & Balamory occurs with the fire and the ring posts and the burning. Joey Styles welcomes us to the "new ECW", which features 75% more fat bald Spanish giants! E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB!

Kane starts speaking, unfortunately. He says that at 'Mania he had the satisfaction of releasing destruction. Surely he could have done that before he went to the ring? I mean, out of 70,000 odd people, someone's bound to smell something.

He talks about all the other big men he had to take out to win the battle royal. Man, the way I said that sounded gay. Ooh, take out the big men, ducky, oo-

What am I doing? Where am I? Why am I not asleep?

...anyway, Kane's playing up the fact that it only took him 8 seconds to take out Chavo, even after he'd been through all those...big men. Damn, I did it again. An ECW chant breaks out, and Kane says that ECW have had some of the most exciting and spectacular moments in sports entertainment, but now he's champion, you ain't seen nothing yet. Well, he's right about the last part, as I have seen fuck all that makes me want him as champion so far.

CM Punk's music plays and he comes out, looking for all the world like a malnourished panda. He holds up the case he won at 'Mania, and Tazz goes all THIS IS IT, ROCKETBUSTA, HE'S CASHIN' IN THE BANK, NOT FOR NUFFIN'!, and I go all NO HE ISN'T, YOU FAT ANNOYING SHIT! God, I hate Tazz.

Kane mentions that Punk had a good Sunday too, which sounds very, very creepy coming out of the mouth of someone like Kane. He continues on to say that Punk won't have a very good day today, if he's coming out to do what he think he gon' do. Punk replies that he's jealous, he wants the championship, so right now he's a sad panda. A panda who hasn't eaten for fucking weeks by the look of him.

Standard "I want the title, ooh, when's it gonna be cashed in?" fare from Punk, as everyone's favourite tiny balding poncho-wearing one-time wooden horse loving Mexican ex-champ joins in the fun. Phew, that was long-winded.

He say's no-ones getting a Cruiserw- erm, ECW title shot before him, and calls Kane's win a fluke. Pretty fucking impressive fluke. If I had that kind of flukeability, I'd be held much higher in society.

"So not only did you buy the winning lottery ticket, you resurrected James Brown, saved some children from a burning building, AND killed Osama?"

Kane again says he won in 8 seconds, which must be some sort of record. It certainly got the record for the most fucking pissed off I have been ever in the history of ever.

Chavo says that he had to prepare for 24 different opponents, and that was why he lost. Sure, you have to alter your style if you're facing, say, Chuck Palumbo instead of Kane. Chavo talks some more, and I go for some biscuits and cheese.

Fuck, Shelton's out now, and ECW's title scene is officially more active than the main two brands'. Shelty says the only reason he isn't Mr Money in the Bank is because two bastards sent him on a one-way trip to ladderville, via his face. Punk calls him Goldylocks and I giggle like a child.

Shelton can call himself as many name as he likes, but he can't call himself Money in the Bank. Yes he can. It just won't be true, is all.

AN ACTUAL MATCH!

Stevie Richards Vs. Mike Knox

My excitement is at such pandemonium levels, I’m now yelling aloud the name of our Heavenly father! IT'S STEVIE! Apparently these guys have been feuding, with the whole feud being captured by MOBILE. Is it me, or does that just sound like happy slapping? Eh, look it up.

Knox forces Stevie into the corner and gives him a shoulderblocking. Richards hits an ENZIGUIRIIII that sends Knox to the outside. Richards follows him, but gets elbowed for his troubles. Back in the ring Knox hits a boringly delayed vertical suplex. Knox grinds his boot across Richards’ face then puts him in a bear hug. Stevie gets out if it, but finds himself in it again. Stevie may be somewhat a TWF icon. But he's not that bright.

Knox hits a back suplex after he breaks the bear hug. He goes for a second-rope legdrop, but Richards moves. Atomic drop by Richards, then kicks to the leg and chest. Knox goes down to the mat and gets more kicks in the back. Richards goes for another kick and Knox catches the leg. Uh-oh. He hits a back breaker on Stevie, Then hits a corkscrew faceplant type thingy and gets the win.

Winner: WHO DO YOU THINK? IT'S A STEVIE RICHARDS MATCH, DUMBFUCK.

HOF package airs. Woo indeed. Woo.

Wrestlemania's in Houston, Texas for next year. Get ready for overused euphemisms comparing wrestling to the rodeo and unimaginative shit like that.

Tazz is in the ring with Colin Delaney. Delaney hopes that he'll be at 'Mania next year with a match and a contract. I very much sodding doubt it.

Arrrrrrmando Allllejannndro Eeeeeeestraaadaaaa is out. He has great news for Colin! He wants to offer him, on April 1st, an official contract. Colin says "REALLY! ON THIS, THE MOST COMPLETELY INAUSPICIOUS DAY OF THE YEAR?" Estrada says yes, but there's one thing he forgot to say...APRIL FOOLS! Oh, you stupid fucking jobber. You fell for it!

But all hope is not lost. Colin can earn a contract, simply by beating this man...THE BIG SHOW!!! Joey Styles says OH MY GOD for no fucking reason. Surely you saw Show backstage? Are you even allowed backstage, Joey? I though so.

Big Show Vs. Colin Delaney

Colin tries to walk away, but Show grabs his shoulder, and shakes his head. He chokes the crying man-child into nothingness.

Winner: The Big Show

Looks like Big Show is back to being a bastard giant, as he slams the tits off of Delaney after the bell.

More Flair packages. He's retiring, if you didn't know already.

Talking, talking, MAIN EVENT TIME! This looks like it could actually be good.

Chavo Guerrero & Shelton Benjamin Vs. Kane & CM Punk w/ready made idea for a sitcom

Punk and Benjamin start it off. “CM PUNK” chants erupt at the bell. Punk hits a snap suplex into a pin for 2. He tags in Kane. Kane throws some uppercuts, then hits the low dropkick to Benjamin’s face. Kane hits a huge clothesline and somehow hurt his knee. He’s limping around. Chavo comes in and Kane seems to be ok now.

Shelton gets back in and is quickly tossed. Hehehe. He sends Chavo outside as well. Chavo gets on the apron and Punk kicks his Mexican ass back across the border. Or to the floor, whichever's closest. BREAK!

Back from the break Kane is working Benjamin, giving him all kinds of hoss shit until Punk gets the tag. He hits a kick to the back of Shelton’s head for a 2 count. Ever noticed that all Punk does is kick people? Benjamin hits a kick out of a back body drop attempt and makes the tag to Chavo. Punk gets backbreaker'd then jawbreaker'd. European uppercuts are handed out, by Jove, followed by a splash on Punk in the corner. Chavo goes for another, but Punk catches him and lifts him up, going for the GTS. Benjamin runs in and kicks him in the face, HA.

Shelton gets the tag in and puts on a choke. Punk makes it out and gets hit with a knee in the gut for 2. Tag to Chavo, and he comes in hitting a slingshot knee drop. He puts on a bow and arrow, then goes into a Muta lock. Back into a bow and arrow variation, MAKE UP YOUR MIND, HOMES. Punk gets away, but ends up in the heel corner. Punk hits a bunch of back and forth elbows to the heels, but Chavo puts an end to it.

Shelton gets back in and whips Punk into the corner. He goes for a body slam, but Punk uses his weight to come down on Shelton. You don't really want a blow by blow account, do you? I mean most of you come here for the comedy. Fuck, I've written enough as it is, I mean look! I'm a fucking machine.

I blacked out for a bit, an now Kane's hitting a body slam on Benji. Punk and Chavo are outside. Kane throws several punches, and a clothesline. He goes for another and Shelton hits a back elbow. He comes out of the corner and Kane grabs him for a chokeiddy slam. He elbows out of it and hits a big boot. Kane then hits one of his own and heads up top. Chavo runs in and crotches him. Kane falls to the mat. Punk tags himself in and goes for the springboard clothesline. Benjamin moves, but Punk lands well and hits a spinny wheel kick. He hits the GTS on Shelton to get the win.

Winner: CM Punk and Kane

 

FUCKING HELL. I now have more respect for people who do this every week, and manage to keep it funny. I believe I have written too much, so just call it noobie jitters(great name for a band).

The Richards/Knox match was mehsome, Big Show/Delaney wasn't even really a match, and the main event was rather enjoyable. Please let me go to sleep.