ECW: The Next Generation
(April 2008 Archives.)
April 01, 2008
April 15, 2008
April 22, 2008
April 29, 2008
By Anvil's Swagbag
Good evening, morning, or whatever the hell time it is when you are reading this.
I shall be filling in for a certain Mr. Anvil today, whose computer, like the obese hooker he hired, is completely and utterly
fucked to death. He tried to fix it, but she just wouldn't wake up. No matter how many times he stamped on her back.
let's get our ECW on.
The show opens tonight with a grim reminder of how the ECW title was hung, drawn and quartered
on the grandest stage of them all a few days ago. They show Kane eliminating The World's Strongest most Sexual Chocolate,
Mark Henry. We're then shown Kane's 8-second ruination of Chavo's shit. What you don't see is 70,000 people collectively thinking
"Well, it could be worse, I mean at least it wasn't Henry. We're in for a decent m-OH WHAT THE FUCK!?"
Or maybe that
was just me? Maybe I was the only one that noticed an 8 second long squash match is NICHT SEHR GUT FUR MEINE WRESTLEMANIA?
heads to the ring, and Pyro & Balamory occurs with the fire and the ring posts and the burning. Joey Styles welcomes us
to the "new ECW", which features 75% more fat bald Spanish giants! E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB!
Kane starts speaking, unfortunately.
He says that at 'Mania he had the satisfaction of releasing destruction. Surely he could have done that before he went to
the ring? I mean, out of 70,000 odd people, someone's bound to smell something.
He talks about all the other big men
he had to take out to win the battle royal. Man, the way I said that sounded gay. Ooh, take out the big men, ducky, oo-
am I doing? Where am I? Why am I not asleep?
...anyway, Kane's playing up the fact that it only took him 8 seconds
to take out Chavo, even after he'd been through all those...big men. Damn, I did it again. An ECW chant breaks out, and Kane
says that ECW have had some of the most exciting and spectacular moments in sports entertainment, but now he's champion, you
ain't seen nothing yet. Well, he's right about the last part, as I have seen fuck all that makes me want him as champion so
CM Punk's music plays and he comes out, looking for all the world like a malnourished panda. He holds up the case
he won at 'Mania, and Tazz goes all THIS IS IT, ROCKETBUSTA, HE'S CASHIN' IN THE BANK, NOT FOR NUFFIN'!, and I go all NO HE
ISN'T, YOU FAT ANNOYING SHIT! God, I hate Tazz.
Kane mentions that Punk had a good Sunday too, which sounds very, very
creepy coming out of the mouth of someone like Kane. He continues on to say that Punk won't have a very good day today, if
he's coming out to do what he think he gon' do. Punk replies that he's jealous, he wants the championship, so right now he's
a sad panda. A panda who hasn't eaten for fucking weeks by the look of him.
Standard "I want the title, ooh, when's
it gonna be cashed in?" fare from Punk, as everyone's favourite tiny balding poncho-wearing one-time wooden horse loving Mexican
ex-champ joins in the fun. Phew, that was long-winded.
He say's no-ones getting a Cruiserw- erm, ECW title shot before
him, and calls Kane's win a fluke. Pretty fucking impressive fluke. If I had that kind of flukeability, I'd be held much higher
"So not only did you buy the winning lottery ticket, you resurrected James Brown, saved some children from
a burning building, AND killed Osama?"
Kane again says he won in 8 seconds, which must be some sort of record. It certainly
got the record for the most fucking pissed off I have been ever in the history of ever.
Chavo says that he had to prepare
for 24 different opponents, and that was why he lost. Sure, you have to alter your style if you're facing, say, Chuck Palumbo
instead of Kane. Chavo talks some more, and I go for some biscuits and cheese.
Fuck, Shelton's out now, and ECW's title
scene is officially more active than the main two brands'. Shelty says the only reason he isn't Mr Money in the Bank is because
two bastards sent him on a one-way trip to ladderville, via his face. Punk calls him Goldylocks and I giggle like a child.
can call himself as many name as he likes, but he can't call himself Money in the Bank. Yes he can. It just won't be true,
AN ACTUAL MATCH!
Stevie Richards Vs. Mike Knox
excitement is at such pandemonium levels, I’m now yelling aloud the name of our Heavenly father! IT'S STEVIE! Apparently
these guys have been feuding, with the whole feud being captured by MOBILE. Is it me, or does that just sound like happy slapping?
Eh, look it up.
Knox forces Stevie into the corner and gives him a shoulderblocking. Richards hits an ENZIGUIRIIII
that sends Knox to the outside. Richards follows him, but gets elbowed for his troubles. Back in the ring Knox hits a boringly
delayed vertical suplex. Knox grinds his boot across Richards’ face then puts him in a bear hug. Stevie gets out if
it, but finds himself in it again. Stevie may be somewhat a TWF icon. But he's not that bright.
Knox hits a back suplex
after he breaks the bear hug. He goes for a second-rope legdrop, but Richards moves. Atomic drop by Richards, then kicks to
the leg and chest. Knox goes down to the mat and gets more kicks in the back. Richards goes for another kick and Knox catches
the leg. Uh-oh. He hits a back breaker on Stevie, Then hits a corkscrew faceplant type thingy and gets the win.
WHO DO YOU THINK? IT'S A STEVIE RICHARDS MATCH, DUMBFUCK.
HOF package airs. Woo indeed. Woo.
in Houston, Texas for next year. Get ready for overused euphemisms comparing wrestling to the rodeo and unimaginative shit
Tazz is in the ring with Colin Delaney. Delaney hopes that he'll be at 'Mania next year with a match and
a contract. I very much sodding doubt it.
Arrrrrrmando Allllejannndro Eeeeeeestraaadaaaa is out. He has great news
for Colin! He wants to offer him, on April 1st, an official contract. Colin says "REALLY! ON THIS, THE MOST COMPLETELY INAUSPICIOUS
DAY OF THE YEAR?" Estrada says yes, but there's one thing he forgot to say...APRIL FOOLS! Oh, you stupid fucking jobber. You
fell for it!
But all hope is not lost. Colin can earn a contract, simply by beating this man...THE BIG SHOW!!! Joey
Styles says OH MY GOD for no fucking reason. Surely you saw Show backstage? Are you even allowed backstage, Joey? I though
Big Show Vs. Colin Delaney
Colin tries to walk away, but Show
grabs his shoulder, and shakes his head. He chokes the crying man-child into nothingness.
Winner: The Big Show
like Big Show is back to being a bastard giant, as he slams the tits off of Delaney after the bell.
More Flair packages.
He's retiring, if you didn't know already.
Talking, talking, MAIN EVENT TIME! This looks like it could actually be
Chavo Guerrero & Shelton Benjamin Vs. Kane & CM Punk w/ready made idea for
Punk and Benjamin start it off. “CM PUNK” chants erupt at the bell. Punk hits
a snap suplex into a pin for 2. He tags in Kane. Kane throws some uppercuts, then hits the low dropkick to Benjamin’s
face. Kane hits a huge clothesline and somehow hurt his knee. He’s limping around. Chavo comes in and Kane seems to
be ok now.
Shelton gets back in and is quickly tossed. Hehehe. He sends Chavo outside as well. Chavo gets on the apron
and Punk kicks his Mexican ass back across the border. Or to the floor, whichever's closest. BREAK!
Back from the
break Kane is working Benjamin, giving him all kinds of hoss shit until Punk gets the tag. He hits a kick to the back of Shelton’s
head for a 2 count. Ever noticed that all Punk does is kick people? Benjamin hits a kick out of a back body drop attempt and
makes the tag to Chavo. Punk gets backbreaker'd then jawbreaker'd. European uppercuts are handed out, by Jove, followed by
a splash on Punk in the corner. Chavo goes for another, but Punk catches him and lifts him up, going for the GTS. Benjamin
runs in and kicks him in the face, HA.
Shelton gets the tag in and puts on a choke. Punk makes it out and gets hit
with a knee in the gut for 2. Tag to Chavo, and he comes in hitting a slingshot knee drop. He puts on a bow and arrow, then
goes into a Muta lock. Back into a bow and arrow variation, MAKE UP YOUR MIND, HOMES. Punk gets away, but ends up in the heel
corner. Punk hits a bunch of back and forth elbows to the heels, but Chavo puts an end to it.
Shelton gets back in
and whips Punk into the corner. He goes for a body slam, but Punk uses his weight to come down on Shelton. You don't really
want a blow by blow account, do you? I mean most of you come here for the comedy. Fuck, I've written enough as it is, I mean
look! I'm a fucking machine.
I blacked out for a bit, an now Kane's hitting a body slam on Benji. Punk and Chavo are
outside. Kane throws several punches, and a clothesline. He goes for another and Shelton hits a back elbow. He comes out of
the corner and Kane grabs him for a chokeiddy slam. He elbows out of it and hits a big boot. Kane then hits one of his own
and heads up top. Chavo runs in and crotches him. Kane falls to the mat. Punk tags himself in and goes for the springboard
clothesline. Benjamin moves, but Punk lands well and hits a spinny wheel kick. He hits the GTS on Shelton to get the win.
Winner: CM Punk and Kane
FUCKING HELL. I now have more respect for people who do this every week, and manage
to keep it funny. I believe I have written too much, so just call it noobie jitters(great name for a band).
match was mehsome, Big Show/Delaney wasn't even really a match, and the main event was rather enjoyable. Please let me go
Thought I was gone? Nope. Save the boos for later.
Yes, loyal fans of TWF, in fact, it is very easy to land a job at this site.
Just take the show that absolutely nobody else wants to recap! Step into my little private hell, why don't you?
Still standing here in London, England! And...well let's just get depressed
right off the bat, shall we? How so? Why apparently tonight is Joey Styles' last night doing play-by-play.
Who's replacing him? Someone talented? AHAHAHA of course not. Mike Adamle, come on down! Impressive,
first night on the job and already I want to die a little bit.
CM Punk, Moore Wang, and Kofi Kingston Vs. Elijah Burke, Grease 3 (Deuce &
Domino), and Shelton Benjamin, 8-Man Clusterfuck
Awkward silence to start, followed by some hammerlockage by Domino (I think? I never
cared enough about them to learn which was which. It's the one that's not Snuka's kid). After escaping, Punk tags
to Moore, then to JWY while they take turns working the arm. Punk back in, gets beat, Domino tags in Shelton, who gets
beat by Punk a lil' bit, so Shelton just tosses his ass out of the ring as there is the obligatory everyone huddling around
spot in these matches, signaling a commercial break.
After all that, Burke is working over CM, misses the elbow drop, so Punk gets him some Kofi,
who does his token crazy Jamaican offense before tagging to Moore. Some more tag-team stuff with Moore and Jimmy (also,
trying to keep track of all this shit is getting annoying - never was a fan of these too many people matches). Heels
take over eventually and Shelton slows it down to a crawl with an extended Orton lock. I have no clue why that was necessary
- I mean, he was in for only a couple minutes so far, and does this kind of match need so many rest holds? Speaking
of, Deuce gets a chinlock of his own (may I suggest some hard liquor at this point?). MORE beating up on Yang as Adamle
is not completely sucking so far, as he's ACTUALLY pronouncing names correctly! Reading IS fundamental, after all.
The lack of emotion is pretty noticable though. Oops spoke too soon, he turned on the enthusiasm switch as Yang finally
was able to tag out to Kofi, which gets everybody in the ring. Everyone clears out, except Kofi and Domino, leading
to THE kick (oh, you know the one), leading to the pin.
Winner: Face team because I'm too lazy to type all their names out again
What stood out: "Uno, Dos, Adios!" Seriously? That was so out of place and so
forced that I'm feeling a bit lightheaded right now. Other good ones were hearing him exclaim "YEAH!" and "Kofi, Jamaican
me crazy!" Oh yes, Mike Adamle as a play-by-play man is a FUCKING COMEDY GOLDMINE.
Extended celebration to video package on the Kane/Chavo feud, leading to Kane cutting
a quickie promo on how blah blah Kane and Undertaker wreck shit, evil laugh, nothing you haven't heard ten times in the past.
Tazz is in the ring for a DIVA DANCE-OFF. Again? I could've sworn they did
this already only a mere couple of months ago. Layla, Maryse, Eve, Lena, and Kelly Kelly all come out to crickets (though
to be fair, Kelly did get a second of something that sounded remotely like a cheer...). Ugh. Oh it gets worse,
dear readers, as TAZZ BUSTS OUT A SHIMMY. Why did I have dinner right before this?
Ok so girls start dancing as I wonder why I'm recapping this, Layla, you know, the EXPERIENCED
DANCER, gets a good reaction, Maryse gyrates awfully in slow-mo to not a damn reaction at all, Eve moves akin to something
learned in fucking high school dance club, Lena spins and spins and spins, and Kelly of course, because she can't dance for
shit, resorts to crappy gymnastics and stripping, to, extremely predictably, win this thing. And yes, you are a better
person for having read all of that, as opposed to watching it.
Oh but wait, MORE DANCING WITH TAZZ. Hope WWE spends that check (from playing the same
fucking shit song 6 times in a row) wisely, as this segment died. Died like it got terminal cancer.
Tommy Dreamer w/ Colin Delaney...no wait, Colin Delaney's fighting instead Vs.
DAMN Knox has a huge-ass goatee going on! Don't steroids promote hair growth?
So yeah, Armando Estrada makes the switch once everyone's out in the ring, with Dreamer being sent to the back.
Squash of course. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE WWE.
Winner: Mike Knox
What stood out: Besides Adamle's geriatric reading glasses (I promise I'll lay off the
guy eventually), I was just amazed that Knox's plans were completely unaffected by his recent run-in with the media.
Regardless of whether or not that juice was his, shouldn't he be, ummm, not so featured just to be safe? Though he is
on ECW...OK, no big deal then.
Quick counter promo by Morrison and Miz on their match with Taker and Kane. HAR
HAR heels act brave when they're scared.
Morrison and Miz Vs. Undertaker and Kane, Non-title
After the typical "I could read a Stephen King novel before this is over" Undertaker entrance,
let's get this Main Event going!
Taker easily more over than the entire ECW roster put together as he delivers all his normal
spots. Old School, some beating on Miz outside of the ring, but WAIT, leg drop on the apron is stopped by Morrison,
who clocks Taker as we go to the last break.
Back as the heels are beating on Taker in the corner, though of course, Taker eventually goes
into no-sell mode and gets the tag to Kane. Kane works Miz in the corner, as eventually Miz manages to chop block Kane
leading to punches and kicks and punches and kicks and HEY they were just officially referred to as MNM. Good for them.
Hot tag to Undertaker leading to more copyrighted and trademarked spots (Snake eyes to big
boot this time). Chokeslam momentarily blocked until Kane helps out. Tombstone to Morrison and that's all she
Winner: Undertaker and Kane
What stood out: This match bored me
a little bit. I mean I could see it was good performance-wise, but just the basic Brothers of Destruction tag match.
Same spots, different opponents. Want a laugh? Laugh that you won't have to keep recapping this show! YAY!
Uppers: Main event. Yes, I said
it bored me - shut up. It was an ok little match, so it goes here. And Mike Adamle is not terrible at his new
job, though there were a fair number of awkward moments tonight, that's for damn sure.
Downers: The whole point of this show
- can someone please tell me what was accomplished tonight? Even the guy who debuted last week (who I seriously thought
was Amish Roadkill with a new gimmick) was completely missing, along with the champ's challenger. Oh also, Remember
when Tazz was a serious badass who just fucked shit up? Yeah me neither. Shake them rolls, fatty!
Overall: I would pretty safely say
that if you missed tonight, you can somehow cope with the loss. Take the shotgun barrel out of your mouth already!
I'm Neil McGilloway, and assuming I'm not fired, 'till next week.
(I'll be using this filler space for my random thoughts - I'll keep it short.
See the thing is, this is MY column, therefore you must bend over and take it. Sorry!)
Well, loyal two readers, I come to you in a very...neutral mood tonight.
On one hand, I got home from a 12-hour workday for this crap, which could erode even the most sturdy of souls. On the
other hand, for all you hockey fans out there, YOUR Philadelphia Flyers managed to sneak into the next playoff round after
getting an OT goal in game 7, after basically having their asses kicked the whole second half of the game. I am about
as shocked as can be at that, but in a good way. Two in the pink, one in the stink kind of way.
Speaking of hockey, BAM NEELY. Holy shit, who knew Steph was a Bruins fan?
This one's right up there with Gunner Scott in my book.
Oh, also, before I forget, gotta love the build for the ECW match at Backlash.
I always find that doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING a week after debuting a major angle into the championship match is a brilliant
Finally, Adamle making quite the impact last week eh? Snooping around, I
found out I missed quite a few nuggets of joy in his commentary. The sad thing is that this goof has gotten a reaction
out of the fanbase not seen in three quarters of the current roster. It's been mostly death threats and the like, but
still. It's a reaction! [/John Cena logic]
Whew, that felt good. Now let's get this shit train a rollin'!
Still standing here in Greensboro, NC! And We are off to a RIP FUCKING ROARING start
with K2 coming out as Mike and Tazz wax nostalgic about Tazz's "Jelly roll" in last week's waste of time (OK, to be fair,
the whole show was a waste of time, but realllllly no point to that segment AT ALL). Mixed tag uselessness on deck!
Kelly Kelly & Tommy Dreamer Vs. Layla & Mike Knox
Mike Knox is on a mission in 2008. Really? What's that? Stay employed?
Anyway girls are in first for some hair pulling, followed by the men sending them to the kitchen
(you know, where they belong) for a little tete-a-tete. Dreamer DESPERATELY tags Kelly back in, comes off with a not
so great cross body, eventually leading to the laziest fame asser I've ever seen to end this "blink and you'll miss it" kind
of short match.
Winner: Kelly Kelly & Tommy Dreamer
What stood out: Silence. Both from the crowd (to be expected considering who was in
there) and from the announcers. The Tazz is not amused at doing play-by-play. Jesus. Oh also seeing Dreamer dash
to tag Kelly in was humorous to me, if only for imagining him FEARING MIKE KNOX. Hey, hobos scare me too, but you don't
see me running away from them. I just tell them to get a job then piss on them. They love it.
Knox with his spinning thingamajig finisher post match to again, nothing. Impressive.
Really. Sense the excitement in my typing.
Recap of the candidates speeches from last night. Here's a lesson, kids. How
to promote youth to vote? Why after each candidate gives a decent speech (at best), immediately mock them by putting
on a borderline offensive "match" with impersonators! FUCKING GENIUS. So you know, I'm typing with a braille board
right now, as after I saw that segment, my eyes decided to pack it in. For eternity.
For the record, I preferred Obama's speech, as he decided to keep the shitty catchphrases
and pandering to a minimum, and decided to, I don't know, TALK ABOUT ISSUES AND WHAT HE WANTS TO ACTUALLY DO IN OFFICE.
Hilary and McCain really detailed why I hate politics.
John Morrison w/ Mike the Miz Vs. Jimmy Ying Yang w/ Shannon Moore
Fuck you, I'll be hopping on this Adamle trainwreck too.
MTM on commentary quickly tears into Adamle's craptastic debut last week. Oh right,
the match, guess I should talk about that for a little bit.
Some basic back and forth to start, as Morrison works Yang's leg. NICE monkey flip from
the corner from Yang gets two. Yang gets crotched soon after on the top rope, leading to a missed corkscrew moonsault,
leading to Yang time for the win.
Winner: Jimmy Wang Yang
What stood out: Post-match, the 300 slow-mo finishing sequence. Anything to make
some credible contenders, eh?
Recap of the King of the Ring last night. I honestly had no problem with the tournament
(bar the very short matches, but given the circumstances I'll let it slide), as long as it actually factors into SOMETHING.
They can just as easily just give Regal a crown to wear in his office and have that be the end of it.
After rolling through the PPV rundown, Kofi and Shelton come together to discuss a little
black on black violence. Nothing to it, Benjamin tries to make nice but then goes awww no more undefeated tonight bitch.
As he walks by though, Kofi scores points with a facial expression reminiscent of smelling Shelton dropping a monster dook
in his shorts.
Kofi Kingston Vs. Shelton Benjamin
Oh God, are they going to make "Jamaican' me crazy" a catchphrase now?
Shelton taking it to Kofi to start, looking to the uninformed like Sisqo beating on his weedman
for a bad batch. Kofi cuts in a few lines of offense here and there (the one thing he does well, dropkicks), but mostly
Benjamin here. After a few more hits, Benjamin keeps an eternal armbar on until he gets monkey flipped out (Passed to
the left, perhaps?), but Shelton lands on his feet and borrows a page from Monty Brown and hits a pounce-ish shoulder block
(I know my recapping sucks but it was a pretty sweet little sequence). Howeverrrr, all of it is for apparently jack
shit as Kofi just hits his kick for the win. Rolling papers. That's the name for it, deal?
Oh by the way, I know nothing of drug culture, so you can laugh at how tumor-inducing inaccurate
my references may be.
Winner: KK (the male version)
What stood out: Hey, "Jamaican' me crazy" was sort of funny last week, so let's mention
it 100 more times this week! Also, way to make Shelton look like a total bitch. I mean, not like he was getting
anywhere (he IS on ECW, after all), but still.
Another recap of RAW. It's THE match. You know which one. It shall not
be named. Just listen to those piped in cheers! Trump/Rosie still has the title to this realm of shit however.
Oh look, a pointless squash. Joy.
Mark Henry Vs. Nunzio
Yeah, this match was over by the time I finished typing this sentence right here that still
might go a little long because this match went slightly longer than I thought but I mean it was still a squ...oh it's over.
Winner: Mark Henry
What stood out: Was there a point to that?
Overview of Europe tour, and man, Lillian is a hell of a lot more enthusiastic in Spanish.
Does she fuck up names as often in that language too?
Edge out for the Cutting Edge, and swiftly introduces Kane to the proceedings. Kane
out with his one facial expressionand lack of eyebrows. Edge emotes awesomely as he mentions the Undertaker has the
WHC. Nice bit of continuity as they go over this retarded storyline that is Kane (Dead parents, horrible relationships,
jobbing like crazy, you know the deal). I laugh as they "conveniently" leave out Katie Vick. First mention of
BAM NEELY of the night. God that name sucks, and no I will NOT get over it. Apparently Chavo is too cool to talk
or give much effort into building his match, outside of interfering in a couple minutes (just a hunch). Kane basically
retorts saying everyone except Vickie is gonna get murdered on Sunday (totally cool to make mention of a certain weekend bash,
right?), leading to Edge trying to take a swing. Kane fights him and his goons off until Chavo and Bam come in for some
good ol' gang rape (Oooooooh, Chavo indeed). Multiple conchairtos on the leg of Kane, and all the heels gloat going
up the ramp. END SHOW.
Uppers: Last segment was pretty good
stuff, that actually surprised me. I mean, holy shit, someone actually was paying attention to Kane's ridiculously convoluted
storyline?! In addition to that, the brutalizing he took at the end got some pretty damn good heat on Chavo. This
is surprising as the Carolinas always seemed to be the home of the "sitting on your hands" kind of fan. Up until the
end, the Kofi/Shelton match was OK. Oh, and Adamle managed to not soil his position too much more this week by SHUTTING
THE FUCK UP.
Downers: Your play-by-play man NOT TALKING
is a good sign that he is not good at his job. Just sayin'. Nunzio getting that sweet, sweet main event payoff
after years and years of devotion to WWE. Keep reaching for that rainbow, kid. Also, ECW shows being booked
on ADD mode makes sure no match can possibly be long enough to, oh, say, keep any viewers? They're important?
Overall: Better than last week, but that's
saying that I managed to actually stay awake for the whole show (Undertaker gettin' bizay didn't quite cut it for me).
Gotta start somewhere. Overall, Adamle needs to learn how to do his job badly, and matches simply need to be longer
in a BAD way. Could be nice, all I'm saying. Though if we get a 40 minute clinic between Mike Knox and Kofi Kingston,
you can feel free to murder me in my sleep. I had it coming.
I'm Neil McGilloway, and assuming I'm not fired, 'till next week.
So, first thing's first. How about last night's RAW? I can say this
much, no one's allowed to say they won't try anything new...
But really, what the hell was that? I believe I heard somewhere that ratings
were taking a bit of a dip. Perhaps that made Vince go into panic mode? It certainly would explain how they essentially
pulled the King of the Ring out of their collective asses. I can see what they were trying to go for there (OMG! REGAL
IS SO EVIL LOL!), but that ending was shit not seen since late WCW, and don't you dare try and deny it.
How about JOBBIE getting the everloving shit knocked out of him last night?
JBL might as well busted out some astroglide while he was at it.
For the HHH haters out there, just deal with it. He's gonna beat Flair's
16 titles eventually, so don't delude yourself. Consider this - if he wasn't aiming for that, why would he win the belt
and hold it for only 2 hours? Exactly. Go away now, I got your hit to this page already.
Ok, I've said all I can say about that acid trip of a show last night, so let's
get this shit train rolling!
Still standing here in Atlantic City! Home of flashy casinos, dirty hookers, crack,
and professional men begging for bus fare to get their broke ass home! Mike Adamle and "The Tazz" (yes he hasn't learned
yet) at the worst seats in the house, and time to start this night with a RIVETING rematch from last week...
Shelton Benjamin Vs. Kofi Kingston
I thought Jamaicans spoke English Shelton, but thanks for pointing that one out to me.
Essentially the same match as last week, as Benjamin is beating the melanin out of Kofi.
"What does Kofi have to do to get back in this match?" is asked by Adamle. I figure actually hitting an offensive move
is a good start (Kofi has yet to if you're slow). Impressive spot sees Shelton go for the superplex, followed by getting
shoved off, then some spiderman back on, only to get shoved off AGAIN, where Kofi puts his IMPRESSIVE VERTICAL LEAP to good
use to hit a frog splash to a standing Benjamin. That was his only offensive move in this match. That, and also
hitting his Rolling Papers for the win.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
What stood out: Same shit, different week. Perhaps Kofi can look more convincing
and hit more than 2 moves in a match? Maybe?
Coming back to a shitty rendition of "Under the Boardwalk" by take a wild fucking guess.
Who else embarasses themselves constantly by simply existing? Also, is it karaoke week for the WWE?
Tommy Dreamer w/ Colin Delaney Vs. Mike Knox
Knox with some potentially steriod fueled hoss action to start, then turning his attention
to Delaney and chucking him into the steel steps. Essentially it's a squash, with Knox putting his spinny deal on Dreamer
at the end for the pin.
Winner: Mike Knox
What stood out: Knox looks like either a homeless person, or a damn caveman. Other
than that, this was quite the borgasm.
Time now for a potentially good segment here, with Striker's classroom, with Mick Foley.
Striker gets in some required jabs at Adamle before introducing the beached whale masquerading as Foley. Striker in
his normal pompous tone, gives a speech on Foley's new position as Smackdown commentator (replacing Coach, as I assume Anthony
Dean is shedding tears of joy at this very moment). Normal heel stuff, making the argument that Foley has a bad look.
For a commentator. Who is barely seen on TV. Yep. Foley comes back saying how Striker is not entertaining.
SHOOT! Not really though. Striker back now with relating Foley to a old stoner (pretty clever), and Mick's comeback
dishes the necessary cheap pop. Striker says ECW has the best technical wrestlers in the WWE. Really? Where?
Are they busy murdering their families? Foley responds with Mr. Socko and a lesson in English comprehension. Adamle
gets Socko in the face to end this.
It was a pretty ok little segment, though I doubt anyone in the audience would understand
who Gore Vidal was, much less why that would distract Striker so Foley could get the mandible claw. Hell, even I, a
fairly intelligent and well-adjusted human being, unlike all those other hick inbreeding wrestling fans (THANKS MAINSTREAM
STEREOTYPING!), only have heard of Gore Vidal, and have no idea who the hell that is. Yay run-on sentences!
CM Punk Vs. Chuck Palumbo
Apparently the MITB case is a credit card now, according to you know who. Oh also, in
case you didn't know, the MITB case can be cashed in for a title shot. Man, I did not know that! Just to be safe,
be sure to tell me EVERY SINGLE TIME CM PUNK COMES OUT.
Palumbo comes out to crickets and both guys start out on even footing, going back and forth.
Eventually, Chuck hits a pretty badass clothesline to put the punkass down. Restholds du jour now, as Punk gets in a
few shots here and there, but essentially all this match is Chuck punching and kicking until he gets DQ'd for beating Punk's
ass too much (essentially it was ignoring the corner five count, but still).
Winner: CM Punk
What stood out: I believe a certain staff member was stating on the forum that the MITB
case gives the person some momentum, but they need big wins to keep it up, or something to that effect. So can someone
tell me, how does THAT give CM Punk any momentum whatsoever? He just won because the ref decided he was getting the
shit beat out of him too much, for christ's sake!
After the match, CM Punk gets a brief flurry of punches on Chucky P, but even that gets stopped
by him. CM Punk, fair and square, is left laying in the middle of the ring from CHUCK PALUMBO. Oh, also none of
this got much of a reaction at all. Just wow. I don't even know what to say to this crap.
Recap of RAW. You read my shit, you know what's up, moving on.
Kane Vs. Chavo Guerrero and BAM NEELY (still in his suit - what a professional)
Adamle leaves the desk as the heels come out. The fuck? Tazz leaves too as Kane
comes out. Aww, come on guys, I know I was hard on you two, but the match won't be THAT bad...Yeah, no clue what's going
Anyway, match starts with Kane overpowering Chavo (as life should be), until Bam yanks Chavo
out of the ring as we go to commercial. Nothing big here at all, as my head is still throbbing from the commentators
deciding to go "fuck this match." We'll get back to that stupidity later, I assume.
Back to more silence, as Kane is still beating Chavo, as he gets in a quickie shot to tag
out to Bam. Kane and Bam start out even, but a mexican distraction gives Bam the advantage. Chavo comes back in
to take advantage, but he just gets tossed back all over the place...AGAIN.
Eventually, the heels take over for good, working the sortakinda injured leg of Kane.
Kane also eventually makes his comeback, hitting the top rope clothesline, where he lands on his legs. Like that injured
one. Psychology off the charts for this one. The end comes where Kane decides to work both of them at the same
time, leading to Bam clipping the leg, which ends up in a frog splash for the win.
Winner: Chavo Guerrero and BAM NEELY
What stood out: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK? I couldn't even fully concentrate
on this match as a result of this bullshit. For what it's worth, the match was pretty OK, with basic stuff throughout.
Bam was nothing special in the ring though. I don't recall him actually doing anything outside of punching and kicking,
Heels celebrate up the ramp, JUST LIKE LAST WEEK. THE END.
Uppers: Striker's classroom was a fairly
enjoyable time, as well as the WRESTLING in the main event. No problem with those two things. Notice that this
section is very short.
Downers: Where to start, where to start...first,
repetition. Shelton and Kofi had pretty much the same exact match this week, along with essentially the end of the last
segment last week mirroring the end this week. Way to go for variety boys. Speaking of variety, CM Punk, you know,
the guy who almost won the King of the Ring, and won MITB at Wrestlemania 24, loses in life again. I hear a lot of talk
about how he is protected when he loses, but damn man, he sucks. How can anyone defend this guy after this shitty non-push?
Notice I started a new paragraph. This is because the total shit around the main event
with the commentators deserves its own special section. Bottom line, I don't care what kind of angle they're going to
try from this, or even if it was real (sorry fanboys, it wasn't), no nationally televised wrestling match should be entirely
without commentating, EVER. Whoever is booking this week should be fed their testicles, as these past two nights showed
me there is no way these people should procreate. But they have, and I know it, and it makes me depressed. Sigh.
Overall: I imagine this show, with the right
kind of drugs mixed in, would blow your mind. Literally. Trying to comprehend this crap under the influence would
make your brain explode. Holy shit is really all I can say at this point.
I'm Neil McGilloway, and assuming I'm not fired (or I decided to do a swan dive onto the pavement
from tonight), 'till next week.