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ECW: The Next Generation
(April 2007 Archives.)

April 03, 2007
April 10, 2007
April 17, 2007
April 24, 2007


I’m back….and worse than ever!  Thanks to Cameron for covering for me last week.  He thought it was painful, try doing this every week!  Oh wait he does Raw which is twice as long.  Anyway, I should probably right off tell you all some really big news.  Next week I decided I am quitting.  The work is just not enjoyable to me, although I really enjoy the people I work with.  I haven’t told Sean yet, so I guess this is how he gets to find out.  So to reiterate, next week is my last week.  Oh not HERE, I’m talking about my crappy day job!  Hmm, guess I’m a little late on the April Fool’s joke.  Better not quit my day job!  Oops…
So we’re two days removed from Wrestlemania 23 and millions of people are removed of 50 bucks (or whatever currency they paid).  Not comparing to that lame Jim Carrey movie, but I can think of two song lyrics relating to the age of 23 that sort of fit the current WWE state.  One is “nobody likes you when you’re 23” which is more or less the general feeling of the IWC and many others.  The other is “at 23 I was on the verge of spontaneous combustion, woe is me”.  I guess that could be referring to Vince’s ego although he did get his head shaved.  There's your trivia for the week, e-mail me if you know what songs those are from and you win absolutely nothing!
The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from Fort Wayne, Indiana.  Lashley’s music hits and the ECW champion enters the arena to a decent pop.  By decent pop, I mean like that bottle of soda you let sit out a week after you opened it and it doesn’t taste so good anymore.  Mr. Charisma says that Wrestlemania was the biggest night of his life and he shows the picture of Vince getting his head shaved as well as footage from last night’s Raw of him removing Vince’s hat.  He says no matter what Vince sends against him nothing will stop him.
Later tonight we get a rematch of the 8 man tag from last Sunday but this time with extreme rules.  Because there’s nothing better for us fans than giving a better version of a match we paid for on free television.
After a commercial they show highlights of the premiere of Stone Cold’s movie “The Condemned”.  The director’s name is Scott Wiper, which doesn’t even require a joke.  CM Punk then enters followed by the man who must have some kind of immunity clause in his contract because he never gets fired, Stevie Richards.
CM Punk vs. Stevie Richards (Punk’s Lifestyle Is Perfect for Right to Censor)
Punk starts early with a headlock and then hits a jumping leg lariat.  After getting back to his feet, Richards shoves Punk into the corner and starts working on his rib area which is taped.  Stevie locks in an abdominal stretch and Punk breaks out then hits the Pepsi One three times then belches from all the carbonation.  He hits an enziguiri then hits the Nyquil (which Tazz actually refers to as the GTS) and gets the pin.
RVD is backstage talking to Timbaland saying how extreme he is.  The Three Stoogettes, err Extreme Expose ask if he knows who they are and he says he has no fucking idea.  I just wish he had said that.  They say they want to be in his next video and will show their moves later tonight.
Cor Von and Striker try to convince CM Punk to join the New Breed.  They tell him to watch their match later on for proof of what they are capable of.  We now have Extreme Expose.  The Twins manager just decided to go to the bullpen with the Orioles having runners on 2nd and 3rd.  Oh I’m sorry was I supposed to recap that?  I decided to watch some baseball instead.  We then get a quick video recap of Wrestlemania.  Next Hardcore Holly faces Snitsky.  For some reason, Snitsky looks like some kind of blob monster in the photo.
Snitsky vs Hardcore Holly (Faces Only Their Mothers Could Love, Except They Both Got Disowned)
Snitsky goes for the Hanger Banger quickly but misses.  He then hits a clothesline and stomps on Holly in the corner.  Holly tries to bounce back but runs into a sidewalk slam.  Every time Holly seems to be close to gaining control, Snitsky hits an impact move in response.  Holly manages to get Snitsky up for an Alabama Slam but Snitsky breaks it and hits the Hanger Banger and gets the pin.
Winner: Snitsky
Snitsky gets a chair and rams it into Holly’s gut.  He then puts Holly’s arm between the hollow steps and hits it with the chair a few times.
A recap of the Hall of Fame induction ceremonies over the weekend and then the New Breed make their entrance.  The Originals follow and we are ready for our main event after a commercial.
ECW Originals vs. New Breed (Here We Go Again For Free)
As we come back from commercial, Sabu hits a springboard moonsault into a tornado DDT but then all eight guys are in the ring.  RVD starts throwing props in the ring and the Originals clear out the New Breed.  Sandman jumps over the top on Striker then Sabu does the same to Cor Von.  Dreamer then in the ring goes after Cor Von but his face meets the chair on a drop toe hold.  Each member of the New Breed has a weapon and they all beat up on Dreamer while the others are unable to get back in the ring.  Finally Tommy comes back and hits a DDT and the other Originals get back in the ring.  RVD and Sabu hit a tandem leg drop and Rolling Thunder but Cor Von hits a spine buster.  Sandman breaks up the pin with the cane but ends up getting a trash can to the head.  Burke ends up hanging in the Tree of Woe and gets a chair dropkicked to his face.  A table is set up in the corner but Cor Von hits a protobomb on the chair to Dreamer.  He then nails the generic body block.  With bodies everywhere, Thorn goes for a crucifix powerbomb but RVD rolls it into a sunset flip.  Thorn goes for the Kiss of Death but Sabu hits him with a chair.  They set up another table and he and RVD hit Thorn from the top rope through it.  Then Burke comes out of nowhere with the Elijah Express on Sabu through the other table and gets the pin.
Winners: The New Breed
Extreme Moment: Main event was spotfest galore and happened so fast I couldn’t even recap it all.  Great match.
Not So Extreme Moment: Bobby Lashley doing an uninterrupted promo is NOT how you kick off the show.
Witness the return of James Walker to PPV recaps with his hilarious Wrestlemania recap!  Laugh your ass off at the Breaking Newz discovered by Sean Carless (and no one else on this planet)!  Check out the first female columnist in a hell of a long time with Catherine’s Deadface Walking!  Read the other recaps that are more entertaining than the shows themselves!  Learn how to use exclamation points a little more creatively!  Now hit my music!


So I was at an audition earlier tonight and I kid you not I had to do an improv of “a wrestler in a confession”.  I probably didn’t do it as well as I could have done but on the way home I thought of how it should have gone:
“Well let me tell ya something Father Gene!  I sinned last week and I’ll do it again.  This Sunday I’m gonna commit the biggest sin ever seen on pay per view!  I'm never going to lose a match even though I can barely do a leg drop!”
The bawdies hit the flow and we are LIVE from Providence, Rhode Island which is just a stone’s throw from Quahog.  At least I would imagine it is, the state is so friggin small!  Vince’s music hits and he enters wearing the hat borrowed from the local theatre’s production of “Guys and Dolls”.  He recaps what happened at Wrestlemania and reminds us that he’ll get revenge.  He can’t get it on Stone Cold because he’s (SHAMELESS PLUG ALERT) promoting “The Condemned” which is produced by WWE Films and stars Austin and comes out later this spring and is action packed and will be the biggest film of the year and…ok he really just mentioned the movie.  He also can’t get it on Trump because he is back pardoning drunken Miss USA contestants.  So he will get it on Lashley, and they show some footage including last night when the veins in Vince’s head nearly exploded and we could see it.  By the way, if Vince is going to all the trouble to cover his head why is he showing footage where you can see he’s bald?  He then bans Lashley from the building so we’ll see him in about 45 minutes.  He is going to make Lashley’s life a living hell as well as all the fans.  Well Vince, you’re already doing it.  It’s called John Cena, WWE Champion.
CM Punk is practicing throwing punches when RVD comes by and says he’s the right fit for the Originals and of course Elijah Burke interrupts saying he belongs with the New Breed.  He then announces next week CM Punk will make his decision, but Punk says he’ll make his decision tonight.  Ooh inquiring minds want to know.  I want to know!  Actually I don’t care, what’s in the fridge?
After a commercial, the ECW music hits and Tommy Dreamer comes to the ring alone.  Umm, doesn’t he have his own theme?  He’ll be facing Kevin Thorn.  Both are attempting to sell being in pain from last week.
Kevin Thorn w/ Ariel vs. Tommy Dreamer (Lady and the Vamp vs. Poke A Hontas In Your Face)
Dreamer is taken down by a forearm but Thorn misses a leg drop.  Dreamer then throws Thorn to the outside and then rams his head into the hollow steps.  Back inside Thorn gains control and puts on an Orton Lock.  He then hits a sit down spinebuster (similar to D’Lo Brown’s old finisher) and only gets two.  Dreamer comes back and hits the same move but also only gets two.  Thorn manages to get Dreamer on the ropes and hits the Dark Kiss for the win.
Winner: Kevin Thorn
The three skanks are applying makeup when Snitsky comes over and stares at Layla.  Don’t worry sweetie, he just wants to suck your toes.  Later tonight RVD will face Marcus Cor Von.  And if you happen to be in Italy this week, you can see ECW live.  Fuhgeddaboudit!
After a commercial, we get a behind the scenes of “The Condemned”.  Stevie Richards is in the ring for a rematch against CM Punk.  Before the match can start, Matt Striker comes down to the ring then the Sandman as well (down the aisle?).  And now for another commercial?  Sheesh!
CM Punk vs. Stevie Richards (Jobbers Get Rematch Clauses?)
When we come back CM Punk has Richards in a front face lock which he turns into a backbreaker.  Punk then misses a crossbody and Richards attacks the rib area.  A suplex and two count for Stevie.  Stevie tries to maintain control but Punk comes back and hits the Pepsi One in the corner and then gets a two count.  Punk then goes off the ropes but Sandman accidentally hits Punk with the Singapore cane when he was going for Striker.  Richards gets a rollup but Punk turns it over and gets the pin.
Winner: CM Punk
And now for the usual waste of time known as Extreme Expose.  This is one of the only times ever I am wondering if American Idol is on.  I bet Vince loves the fact he’s paying Layla 250K for this.  When it ends, Snitsky comes to the ring and the girls have that generic bad guy is coming after us look.  For some reason Layla doesn’t know how to crawl between the ropes.  Out of nowhere Balls Mahoney clocks Snitsky with a chair but nothing happens to him.  He then hits the Hanger Banger (or maybe I should call it “What Is It All A-boot”).  Thrillsville!  They replay CM Punk’s exchange from earlier and RVD comes to the ring with Sabu.  Cor Von comes down next with Burke and we’re ready for our main event.
Marcus Cor Von w/ Elijah Burke vs. Rob Van Dam w/ Sabu (TNA to This Seems Like a Demotion)
Cor Von takes the early advantage which leads to a neckbreaker.  RVD bounces back and hits a nice leg scissors into a pin for two.  Cor Von gets up and hits a belly to belly suplex.  RVD gets up and tries for an enzuiguri but Cor Von hits a German suplex.  Cor Von repeatedly borrows moves from Randy Orton.  RVD comes back with a few clotheslines then a kick from the second rope.  Cor Von gets up as he goes for Rolling Thunder so he knocks him back down and hits a leg drop.  He then goes to the top and hits a kick.  Burke then attacks Sabu with a DDT on the outside.  RVD is distracted enough for Cor Von to hit the Generic Football Block OF DEATH and gets the pin.
Winner: Marcus Cor Von
CM Punk comes to the ring and faces Burke and Cor Von then smiles, shakes hands and raises his arms with them.  Striker and Thorn join him in the ring and hold Punk on their shoulders as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment: Lashley was actually banned from the building!  That was a swerve I NEVER saw coming!
Not So Extreme Moment: The only guy they get over on this show turns heel?  This show just went from worse to horrendously awful.
Check out the new columnists and the old favorites here at the Fan.  If not, at least lie and say you did.  Now hit my music!


Jagshemash!  My name Gersh.  I like wrestling.  Is nice!  I like to have sexy time with the divas.  OK no idea why I am doing Borat here, but we are in a foreign country tonight.  Well unless you live in Italy and in that case we’re in your hometown!  Because as we all know, unless you’re from the United States or Canada you’re from the country but nowhere more specific than that.  At least that’s what WWE has taught me.
The bawdies hit the flow and we are MOST DEFINITELY TAPED from Milan, Italy.  Hmm, maybe there is a city in some foreign countries.  The New Breed is in the ring and they introduce CM Punk.  There’s a small chant for him but a lot of boos which may or may not be piped in considering these European crowds sometimes really do cheer and boo people.  Punk says he is keeping his reasons for joining the New Breed to himself, though I could tell you it’s because he chose drinking blood over beer, generic football blocks of death over suicide, genocide and homocide, and being pushed down the fan’s throats to being held back (actually wait, Lashley’s not a member of the New Breed).  RVD’s music hits to a big pop.  He says Punk is going to regret his decision.  He then challenges Burke to a match tonight (or whatever night this was taped).  Punk gets on the microphone and says if RVD wants to challenge a member of the New Breed and a leader to challenge him.  Burke then takes the microphone and accepts the challenge.  Looks like we may have a future match though with RVD-Punk which could be a good one.  Bobby Lashley is here tonight, much to the disappointment of well, everybody.
Nunzio comes out with an Italian flag to a huge hometown pop followed by a guy who probably eats a lot of pasta, Snitsky.
Nunzio vs. Snitsky (Italian Squash Match)
Nunzio gets decked with a shoulder block but Nunzio gets a dropkick to the knee which takes Snitsky down then another dropkick from the second rope but Snitsky kicks out of the pin attempt with authority.  Snitsky then drops Nunzio on the ropes followed by a clothesline and the Hanger Banger for the win.
Winner: Snitsky
Burke and Punk are backstage and Elijah asks if he thinks he’s really scared of RVD and Punk says he is.  He then says to be a member of the New Breed, he has to fall in line.
After a commercial, Cor Von and Thorn are in the ring when Sandman’s music hits and he and Dreamer enter through the crowd.
Tommy Dreamer and Sandman vs. Kevin Thorn w/Ariel and Marcus Cor Von (Innovator of Singapore Canes vs. Mordecai and Monty)
Cor Von starts off with some offense on Dreamer who tags out then he continues on Sandman.  Thorn tags in and hits a suplex before tagging again.  The crowd starts singing something in Italian and Cor Von misses a move in the corner which gives Sandman time to tag and Cor Von does as well.  Dreamer starts beating up on Thorn and goes for the DDT but Thorn blocks it.  He manages a sunset flip and holds the bottom rope to get the pin although Thorn’s shoulder was up.  There seems to be a bit of confusion at first but the Originals get the win.
Winners: Dreamer and Sandman
Up next is a piss break, err I mean Bobby Lashley.  Actually this is a good time to work in the Extreme Expose so I can drop the kids off at the pool too.
Lashley’s music hits and he’s wearing a suit that is so big on him that it looks sort of like the one David Byrne wears in the “Once in a Lifetime” video (you know, the one where he says “and you may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife and you may ask yourself well, how did I get here?” which is something no doubt the fans frequently say).  They show clips of Raw last night where the “random fan that isn’t someone from OVW” won the IC belt.  Can I make a suggestion here?  Let the random fan at the very least wear a WWE shirt of some kind because the plants always wear something that no one would be wearing at a WWE event.  Lashley then introduces Marella who by a stroke of luck already has a video and entrance music.  He then starts speaking in Italian and I am wondering what this has to do with ECW.  Burke-RVD is coming up later tonight and we are going to another commercial.
Punk is telling Thorn and Cor Von that they need to be able to bounce back from a loss.  Burke then comes over and says he doesn’t mind Punk giving the New Breed advice but he needs to fall in line.  He then says to them “everybody open your mouth, everybody just say aah, everything will be all right, if you just lay off”.  RVD’s music hits and we go to commercial.
And we’re back…
Rob Van Dam vs. Elijah Burke (Shrooms vs. 4-Up Mushrooms)
Burke slaps Van Dam, but Rob kicks him to retaliate.  Burke then takes control and puts on a shoulder lock.  As RVD tries to break it, Burke hits a flying elbow and reapplies the shoulder lock.  Elijah then continues to work on the arm but RVD comes back with some punches but then gets thrown shoulder first into the post followed by a suplex.  Van Dam finally is able to take over with a couple of clotheslines then hits 8 punches in the corner then a monkey flip in the opposite one.  Burke then gets thrown into the ref and for good measure RVD misses a kick and hits the ref with it.  Not so educated are they?  RVD goes for Rolling Thunder but gets Still Thunder to the back (knees).  Punk comes down to ringside and throws a chair in the ring but RVD gets it and clobbers Burke with it then hits the Five Star and gets the pin.
Winner: Rob Van Dam
Extreme Moment:  Main event was pretty good and there’s a little mystery with Punk’s intentions which I kind of like.
Not So Extreme Moment:  Lashley shows up to introduce a guy who was a plant winning a title from a different brand.  Waste….of….time.
There is so much to read right now on the Fan that you should cancel your plans for the next few days so you can read it all.  Either that or just skip sleep.  Nine out of ten doctors say you need a full night’s sleep.  Listen to the tenth one and stay up.  Now hit my music!


Well instead of the usual confines of my cozy apartment in New York City, I am writing tonight from the less private confines of my parents house in glorious Gaithersburg, Maryland.  Ahh the memories I have from this place.  The birthday parties, the home cooked meals, the sex I had when my parents weren’t home dates I introduced to my parents.  Good times indeed.
We start with a recap of last week’s Elijah Burke and RVD match.  Punk is then shown wincing looking at the footage (though he might really have to drop a deuce) and apologizes to the New Breed for his actions of last week.  Apparently tonight there will be an 8 man elimination match against the Originals.  The bawdies hit the flow and we are FAR FAR AWAY in London, England.  A bloody ‘allo to my blokes from the other side of the Atlantic.  Umaga comes out and he’ll be facing Lashley.  Because really, what better way to do a hard sell for a pay per view than to rehash matches from the last one?  Well no worries Vince, I’ll be keeping my 40 bucks and brain cells.  Looks like you didn’t sell hard enough (for the last 5 years).
ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Umaga w/ Armando Elejandro Estrada (Battle of the Boring)
Both guys end up on the outside and Umaga rams Lashley’s head into the hollow steps.  I’d laugh my ass off if the next Harry Potter book was actually “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows” referring to those steps.  If you asked Michael Cole, it’d be that carnivore of a cage here.  Oh right we have a match going on!  Umaga goes to the top rope and misses on the splash.  Lashley then starts throwing several punches but Umaga clobbers with one big right.  Umaga gets thrown to the outside and Estrada interferes hitting Lashley with the belt which causes the DQ.
Winner by DQ: Bobby Lashley
Vince runs down to ringside and Lashley hits a spear on Estrada then throws him over the top to the floor. 
Backstage Burke is saying to the New Breed it might have been a mistake to bring in Punk.  Apparently tonight is the biggest night for the New Breed.  You know, instead of when they had millions watching around the world, they have a few hundred instead.
My dad asks where William Regal is as Snitsky comes down to the ring.  He’ll be facing Balls Mahoney which is based on two weeks ago when Balls bailed out Extreme Expose from umm, a foot fetish party?  I dunno.
Snitsky vs. Balls Mahoney (Squash My Balls Match)
Snitsky picks up Balls and throws him upside down in the corner.  He then basically hits the Hanger Banger and gets the pin.  Wow, two weeks they built that match up and it lasted about a minute.
Winner: Snitsky
After a commercial they come back showing a statue of Winston Churchill and my dad wonders why they even bother with culture on a wrestling show.  The generic ECW theme hits and the Originals all enter through the crowd.  The New Breed follows and we are not ready for our main event.  Just seeing if you’re paying attention because we got another commercial.
Before the match starts, Burke tells Punk to sit this match out so it’s a fair 4 on 4 match.
ECW Originals vs. ECW New Breed (Elimination of My Soul Match)
Dreamer takes down Burke but he gets up and walks into a slam.  Sabu tags in and Dreamer slams him onto Burke.  He hits a leg drop then lays Burke on the ropes and tags in Sandman who hits a leg drop from the top.  He then goes for the Rolling Rock but misses and gets rolled up with a handful of pants to get eliminated.  Striker tags in and so does RVD who gets Matt in the corner than hits a monkey flip.  Van Dam goes to the top and Striker hits the ropes so he falls right on his cash and prizes.  He comes back though and hits the split legged moonsault and gets the pin to eliminate Striker.  Cor Von comes in and he and Rob exchange punches and Van Dam gets the upper hand with a kick then a flying cross body from the second rope and gets a two count.  Sabu tags in and puts on an Orton lock but when the ref is distracted Burke interferes.  Cor Von hits a swinging neckbreaker but only gets a two count.  Sabu tries to come back but runs into an elbow.  Cor Von then hits the Generic Football Block of DEATH and gets the pin.  Dreamer comes in and we go to commercial.
When we come back Burke is beating up on Dreamer and they show a replay of Cor Von’s move and Tazz actually calls it the Pounce!  Too late guys, I got my name for it already.  Cor Von comes in the match and crotches Dreamer on the ring barrier and the ref disqualifies him.  Thorn comes in and hits a spinebuster.  Then he nails Dreamer in the corner.  Then out of nowhere Dreamer hits a DDT and gets the pin.  Burke then surprises Dreamer with the Elijah Express and gets the pin.  RVD comes in as the last competitor and Burke rams RVD’s shoulder into the post.  Van Dam tries to come back but ends up receiving a clothesline.  He then does manage to gain the upper hand and hits a high kick.  He then kicks Burke on the apron and he falls to the floor.  Then Punk clocks Burke in the back of the head with a kick.  Back inside, RVD hits the Five Star and gets the pin.
Winners: The Originals
Big CM Punk chant and he hits the Nyquil on Burke and we go off the air.
Extreme Moment: Punk turns on the New Breed.  Not the most exciting thing in the world but really the only good thing tonight.
Not So Extreme Moment: I didn’t want to see Lashley-Umaga the first time, or the second, or the third.
Read the site, enjoy it, laugh.  Whatever, I’m on vacation dammit!  Now hit my music!


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).