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CLUSTERSHMAZZ!

 
THE 50 REAL-LIFE DUMBEST WRESTLER MOMENTS EVER

(PART 3 OF 3)

If you’re just now joining us, you should probably click HERE to read Part 1, then go HERE for Part 2.  Okay, now that the curtain-jerkers and the mid-carders are out of the way, all that’s left is the main event.  On to the Top 10 Dumbest Real-Life Wrestler Moments EVER!

  

10. STEPHANIE REMEMBERS…

Wrestlers have fans.  Wrestling writers have supporters.  Wrestling divas have stalkers.  But “wrestler”/“writer”/”diva” Stephanie McMahon only has apologists.  One of the minds that will inherit the WWE laid her ignorance bare for all the world to see on the infamous 9/13/01 Smackdown.

Vince came under fire for even DOING a live Smackdown two days after 9/11 in the first place.  We squirmed in our chairs when Vince proudly barked that the show was “the largest public gathering of any kind” after the greatest tragedy our country had ever seen.  We looked at our shoes when future WWE champion Bradshaw said that anyone who criticized them for doing the show could “go to hell,” then basically cut a promo in support of genocide.  But when it was when Stephanie had her close-up that wrestling’s richest bimbo had her definitive moment.

Stephanie actually compared the terrorist attack on the U.S. to when the U.S. Federal Government went after her daddy on steroid charges.  She whined, “They said bad things about my family, but we became stronger.”  Obviously, no one in the company would admit that Skankanie’s mind-bogglingly insensitive remarks were a very, very bad idea.  However, when clips of the special SD were replayed on their weekend shows, all traces of Steph’s rant were wiped from existence.  Even O.J. Simpson TRIED to hide the bloody glove.

One wrestling newsletter accurately decried Stephanie’s comments as “the most tasteless comments ever made on a pro wrestling program.”  Screechy’s rant was the first sign that her insecure, unthinking ass isn’t fit to write down a phone number, let alone be head writer for a wrestling company.  Big Steph has been unsuccessfully trying to live this moment down ever since.

9. NAILZ CROSSED THE BOSS

Plenty of guys have burned their bridges with Vince, but Kevin Wacholz (who wrestled as “Nailz” in 1992), not only burned his bridge, he humped an ultrasound picture of both Shane and Stephanie in Linda’s womb while it went up in smoke.  The big galoot was brought in to play an ex-con for a brief and unmemorable feud against Big Bossman (who was allegedly his abusive prison guard, according to their storyline).  Once the BBM feud was done, Nailz was next set to stink up the ring in a program with The Undertaker.  It never happened.

Nailz was furious when he received his payoff for SummerSlam 92 ($8,000 for an abortion of a match against Virgil) and communicated his frustration by grabbing Vince McMahon by the throat in the locker room.  In a great moment of “wrestler logic,” Nailz then called the police on VINCE and claimed that Vince tried to sexually assault him.  Ever hear a cop laugh at you?  As you probably guessed, that was the end of Wacholz working for the WWF, but strangely enough, not the final chapter in Wacholz vs. McMahon.  Wacholz was brought in by the Federal Government as a star witness in McMahon’s 1994 steroid trial (see entry #10).  Under oath, Wacholz pretty much single-handedly sunk his own credibility (and pretty much, the prosecution’s whole case) by admitting that he “hated” McMahon.  The jury, clearly resentful of Wacholz being presented as a “star ANYTHING”, found McMahon not guilty.

As one last crazy footnote to a crazy story, Eric Bischoff purportedly marked out when he heard the story of Wacholz throttling McMahon, so he brought Wacholz into WCW for Slamboree 93.  Repacked (or more accurately, “Xeroxed”) as a character called simply “The Prisoner,” Wacholz lost a match to Sting that was so bad, Bisch cut the guy loose straightaway, and started thinking of other ways to spite McMahon.  No word on who Bischoff assigned to give Wacholz his payoff for the PPV.  So at the end of the day, the only “nailz” left in the WWWFE are the ones securely holding the lid in place on the casket of Kevin Wacholz’s wrestling career.

8. BRUTI TAKES A POWDER

The next time you find yourself hating your job, console yourself with the fact that you probably make more money than a guy who headlined a SummerSlam, a Starrcade, and competed in the first six Wrestlemanias.  Ed Leslie, best known as Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, was clearing about 20k a year as a fare collector in 2003.  Leslie burned the bridge with his sugar daddy, Hulk Hogan by dropping “Hollwood’s” name so often that Hogan cut off all ties with his former “Friend To The End,” forcing his former “Disciple” to get a real job.

As if that wasn’t pathetic enough, the guy caused a full-blown panic one day on the job when a bag of white powder was discovered in his booth.  Once police arrived on the scene, Brother Bruti calmed everyone down by telling them, “Oh, don’t worry, that’s not anthrax, it’s just my cocaine stash.”  He shoulda just used the sleeperhold instead.

7. THE LONE FOOT STATE

No one family sums up both the best and worst wrestling fame has to offer like the good ol’ Von Erichs from Texas.  Don’t get me started.  Just…don’t.  Anyway, the dumbest move made by a member of rasslin’s dumbest family was when Kerry Von Erich decided to take his motorcycle out for a spin wearing nothing but a pair of shorts.   Naturally, Kerry crashed the bike, and for want of a pair of Nikes, the dipshit had to have a foot amputated.  Nine years of bad jokes followed (most of ‘em written by yours truly) before Kerry’s suicide in 1993.

6. MACHO MAN ON A MISSION

You can’t really have a go at a guy for trying to make a career for himself outside of the squared circle.  How can you blame Brock Lesnar for chasing his dream of playing for the NFL?  I mean, who the hell expected Jesse The Body to be elected Governor of Minnesota?  But that said, you have to wonder exactly who, or more to the point, what kind of abusable substance, convinced ring legend “Macho Man” Randy Savage that he could rap.

Savage released his debut rap album, “Be A Man” in 2003.  The title cut was a public challenge to Savage’s real-life rival, Hulk Hogan.  Savage came across with all the class and maturity of a kindergartner who missed his last two nappy-times.  Savage further prostituted himself out as he made the media rounds trying to rally support for his grudge.  Savage told people that if Hulkster had the guts, their “match” would be pro wrestling’s “first real fight.”  To his credit, Hogan totally checkmated Savage.  First, Hulk offered to fight “Macho Man” if Savage would put up a sizeable monetary fee for the battle.  Savage wussed out.  A year later, both happened to be backstage at a TNA PPV.  Savage ran like a Frenchman.

As if this wasn’t demoralizing enough, Savage’s first (and last) concert was a cataclysm.  Set for a club in Florida, local DJ (and Hogan lackey) Bubba The Love Sponge mobilized his listeners at the event to taunt the hell out of Savage.  Then when the clock struck showtime, the show was said to be a lip-synching abortion that made Milli Vanilli look like KISS.  Savage was booed not just out of the building, but out of the entire genre.  Ironically, Savage’s track “The Perfect Friend” was a tribute to the late Curt Hennig.  If only Savage had taken advice from Curt’s own single, he would have been better off for it.  Rap IS Crap.

5. JAKE THE SNAKE – HERO OF WRESTLING

In 1999, the wrestling boom had reached such dog-scalding levels of popularity, one company tried to cash in by doing a “nostalgia” PPV full of washed-up fossils from wrestling’s past.  Well, I guess there were actually TWO companies, counting WCW.  But the one I meant was called “Heroes Of Wrestling.”  Using such legendary geezers as Jimmy Snuka, Greg Valentine, George Steele, Nikolai Volkoff, Iron Sheik, and others, the show’s co-main event was set to be Jake Roberts vs. Jim Neidhart.

Reportedly, the day of the show saw Jake get hit up for thousands of dollars in back child support.  If you’ve watched “Beyond The Mat” or read half of any Jake story from the past seven years, you know how Jake handles adversity.  (Hint: Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.)  To make matters worse, Neidhart (who was supposed to put over Jake clean) suddenly refused to do the job, feeling that doing a PPV job would hurt his chances of getting rehired by the WWF.  Sad but true: In the months after Owen Hart died, Vince ran around hiring every Hart relative that wasn’t nailed down in hopes of bolstering his ranks for the inevitable lawsuit.  Neidhart was eventually picked up by the WWF as a trainer.

So mix it all together, and the result was the single greatest fucked-up live interview in wrestling history.  Fortunately for me, www.wrestlecrap.com main man R.D. Reynolds transcribed the thing so I didn’t have to.  Behold:



"In a cashino, you should gamblllle. Let me tell you something, Anvil, you don't want to play cards with me, because I'll cheat. Ok, I cheat. You want to play 21, I got 22. You want to play black jack? I got two of those too. (RD: HUH?) You want to play aces and eights? Well, I got some of those too. Bottom line is this. You do not gamble with me....*more slurring*...when you walk into a casino, when you want to gamble, the main thing you must do, is this, you must accept losing. I don't accept losing, and neither doesh Damien. Damien, my friend! My friend Damien is right here. *mumbles incoherently* You don't want to see this, do you? Let me show you something. I tell you what Anvil, go ahead and roll the dice. Mr. Cameraman, get your ass back up here. *getting angry* HELL-OOOO, I'm talkin' to you. Get that camera back up here. Thatsh what you should worry about Anvil. The bottom line is this, when the DDT comes, then the snake comes out. Worry about the DDT. DDT, DDT, DDT (begins yelling) DDT! DDT! DDT! *finally one of the 500 or so people in the audience chants along* THINK ABOUT IT!"

Jake followed up this “heroic” promo by stumbling out to the ring for match time, stopping to force a large female fan into caressing his flabby physique.  (And to answer one of nature’s longstanding questions, yes, male snakes do have breasts.)  Once the bell rang, Neidhart realized that Jake was in no condition to perform, and thus, wouldn’t even lock up with the guy.  Jake’s reaction to all this?  He took Damian out of his bag and held the snake between his legs, “jerking it off” as if it were a scaly strap-on.  Things fell apart so bad that they sent out the night’s main event, King Kong Bundy and Yokozuna, turning it into an impromptu tag match with Jake & Yoko vs. Neidhart & Bundy.  Bundy wound up pinning Jake to end the single biggest train wreck in PPV history.

And wait a minute, didn’t Earthquake kill Damian eight years before this match??

4. LUGERPILLUZA!

Before anyone starts, Lex Luger is NOT on this list because he was so zonked out of his mind that he was completely useless while his girlfriend, Liz “Miss Elizabeth” Huelette choked to death in their townhouse.  No, Luger is on this list because he was so zonked out of his mind, he forgot to flush the over 1,000 illegal pills he had laying around before the cops arrived to cart away his dead girlfriend.  Glad we cleared that up.  As of this writing, Luger is still facing 13 felony counts ranging from possession to intent-to-distribute.  Obviously, Luger needed lessons in how to be a better boyfriend, and considering where he’s going, I suspect that he’s about get ‘em.

3. THE BELZMISSION

It can’t be stated enough just how important the first Wrestlemania was to Vince McMahon and the WWWFE.  Vince put everything he had into this one venture, and had it bombed, that would have been curtains for him.  For the promotional hype, Vince sent babyface main-eventers Hulk Hogan and Mr. T around to any TV show that would give them the time of day.  Most notably, they hosted “Saturday Night Live” the night before WM1.  Another program graced by pair was a cable talk show called “Hot Properties,” hosted by comedian Richard Belzer.

Offended by Belzer’s jokes, Hogan had the bright idea of “demonstrating” a wrestling hold on the skinny entertainer.  Hogan and his celebrated “pythons” (most people call them “arms”) clamped Belzer in a front facelock.  In a scene that was downright scary, Belzer clawed at Hogan for a moment, then his arms just went dead, limply dropping to his sides.  As Hogan released the hold, Belzer spilled out of his grip like a ragdoll, thumping the back of his head on the floor of his stage.  The audience gasped, as even for the kayfabed 80s, they knew this wasn’t supposed to be part of the show.  Hogan tried to revive the comic as Mr T. played it off by saying, “He be all right.  He just sleeping.”  Belzer sprung to his feet and threw to a commercial.  Sharp-eyed viewers noticed that Hogan’s own eyes “Hulked up” in their sockets once he saw the back of Belzer’s head.  A second later, we learned why.  As Belzer turned from the camera, a stream of blood oozed down the back of his sports coat.

Belzer couldn’t finish the show, and was immediately taken to a hospital.  The matter went to court, where Belz zinged Hogan with a substantial out-of-court settlement.  Hogan was so traumatized by the incident that he could never bring himself to use a wrestling hold again.  There’s no question that the Hulkster will go down in history as one of wrestling’s savviest businessmen, but for today, he goes down in a different kind of history book for doing the dumbest possible thing at the dumbest possible time.

2. FLY-WAY TO HELL

No three words sum up an out-of-control roster quite like “Flight From Hell.”  The now-legendary FFH was an overseas flight from the U.K. back to the good ol’ USA in mid-2002.  Most of the roster at the time was on said flight, having just finished a big European tour.  Here’s a little “in-flight manual,” chronicling the events of the journey:

Ric Flair allegedly “walked that aisle,” terrorizing stewardesses with his schlong.  Scott Hall allegedly wrapped up his European vacation by taunting Stephanie McMahon with a bone of his own.  Goldust humiliated his ex-wife, Terri by serenading her over the plane’s PA system.  Sean Waltman sheared off the trademark mullet of Michael Hayes while the wedding singer dozed.  But even all of the above pale in comparison to the bafflingly idiotic actions of Curt Hennig, who punked out Brock Lesnar until Lesnar agreed to shoot-wrestle him right there on the plane in mid-flight.  The lads made everyone’s heart skip a beat when their impromptu “match” saw them slam into one of the plane’s emergency exit doors.  The door held up, but the spin-doctoring put out by the company afterward most certainly did not (Jim Ross in particular).  Sadly, Vince missed the opportunity to make a mint by releasing the FFH’s black box recording on CD.

Behind the scenes, one locker room veteran reported that he had “never seen Vince this angry” once news of the FFH got back to the states.  Hennig was canned.  Hall was canned (see entry #36 for Exhibit B).As for the rest, Vince tore more orifices than a body-piercer with epilepsy.  So should you ever find yourself on a plane with a group of WWE wrestlers, please take a moment to locate the exit nearest you…then run through it before it’s too late.

#1. INCOMPREHENSIBLE INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT

“Suspension of disbelief.”  That’s what they call it in the entertainment industry when you ignore plotholes and just enjoy the show.  The key to suspending one’s disbelief in wrestling always comes down to one simple concept: Even if just for a moment, you honestly believe that one guy wants to beat another guy.  And when it comes to big feuds, forget competition and championships; You just wanna believe that these two hate each other’s guts.

Back in the 80s, it took two classic wrestling archetypes to thoroughly destroy the suspenders of disbelief for a whole new generation of wrestling fans.  One of the WWF’s biggest feuds at the time was blue-collar U.S. flag-waver “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan declaring war on evil foreigners The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff.  For months, Duggan and his trusty 2x4 interrupted Volkoff’s singing of the Russian National Anthem and cost the former tag champs match after match (when he wasn’t getting their opponents disqualified due to his own interference, that is).

But at the height of this domestic war, Duggan and Sheik were arrested after being pulled over together in a car full of drugs.  When this story hit, mainstream media felt like they hit the lottery on Christmas morning.  The true story of two archrivals – a patriot and a sheik no less! – getting busted together in a “party on wheels” ripped through the country, sparking countless guffaws.  Vince had no choice but to fire the pair of them, though he did eventually hire both back.

Still though, for one very public moment, everyone who thought of wrestling as idiotic, fake, and ridiculous was completely vindicated.  Both wrestlers involved lived to kayfabe another day, but for many, irreparable damage was done as the entire wrestling industry was disgraced.  So for calling the world’s attention to everything stupid about pro wrestling, Duggan and Sheik share both the blame and the honor of having the real-life dumbest wrestler moment…EVER.

And there you have it.  From Dynamite’s horseplay to Duggan’s joyride, I hope you’ve enjoyed this epic.  The bottom line is that when the lights go out and the ring comes down, the highest compliment I can pay to professional wrestlers is, just like the rest of us, they’re only human.  Sometimes they’re extremely stupid humans, but humans nonetheless.

-HDS-

Sources:

“The Death Of WCW” by R.D. Reynolds and Bryan Alvarez (ECW press, released in 2004)

http://www.wrestlecrap.com

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A29937-2004Jun9.html

Special thanks to R.D. Reynolds

 The self-proclaimed "Trivia MANGOD" has been writing about wrestling off and on for 14 years and counted. Harry has written for Pro Wrestling Illustrated, and had trivia pieces posted on LAW and Wrestling Observer;

 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).