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After the success of his initial interview with Sean Carless, George Lucas contacted me to tell me about his newest project. I leaped at the opportunity and here I present his newest film for your reading pleasure.
 
DUDE, WHERE'S MY WHIP?
By Dr. Gonzo

George Lucas's obsession with prequels and lanky white guys who can't act continues as he unleashes Ashton Kutcher on the unsuspecting movie audience as a Young Indiana Jones for the "black man music generation". Lucas has been heard to say that Kutcher "epitomizes all that an actor should be. He's tall, skinny, and can act like a stuck up whiny white guy, a staple for all of all the stars of my movie. He's like Hayden Christianson, but a REALLY good actor. Have you seen 'Butterfly Effect'? He reminded me of a young Jake Lloyd in that movie." But don't expect this Indiana Jones to push the limits like the last one did (Raider's of the Los Ark caused the PG-13 rating to be invented). This movie is the epitome of everything Steven Speilberg and Lucas want in a flick. Lucas describes. "I'm a pussy." I asked him to elaborate. "Well ever since I became a father, Stephen and I have realized that our testicles have sucked into our body cavity and become ovaries. We now produce estrogen at an alarming rate, and have come to the conclusion that we are women. It's no longer our job to produce groundbreaking films that push the envelope, but it is our job to re-edit our previous films in a way that coddles children and doesn't promote violence." I asked him to elaborate. "You see, I don't want kids to think that it is ok to pick up sabers of light and chop off each others limbs with it, or even pretend to." I now pick up my plastic light saber and start hitting George with it. He chuckles and says, "I've made so much money off of that thing." He then autographs it and walks outside where he starts an auction for all the kids who came by. As children ranging from 10-45 years of age start throwing money at Lucas he turns to me and says, "You know" while pointing at the light saber, "in the special editions of the movies, I was going to call these things 'love sticks.'"

After what seems like 2 hours, Lucas sits back down, his jacket stuffed with money and blood. "Some little tyke sold his liver and kidneys and bought the love stick from me. Isn't the 'Star Wars' phenomenon beautiful?" He continues to stroke the money, muttering "my precious" under his breath while I asked him if any of this was going to lead anywhere. He laughs and says, "Young padawan, the dark side of impatience is strong in you. Before we can get to the good stuff, we have to talk politics!" He then slams his fist on the table repeatedly as if he is holding a gavel and then proceeds to act out a three hour session of a meeting of the galactic federation counsel complete with 400 costume changes and Lucas performing as Jar Jar Binks and Wookies. "Meesa lika movie suh!" Lucas says while jumping from one foot to the other in dance like fashion. "And don't EVEN say this is racist! I am so sick of all the black, yellow and brown telling me how racist I am because I put Jar Jar in the movie. The guy is supposed to be cool, like one of those black dudes from Jamaica." I plead with him to sit down and talk about his new movie, and stop with this stupidity. "STUPIDITY??" Lucas bellows. I ask him what any of the past 5 hours had to do with his movie. "I've been teaching you about the movie young Padawan. This new movie will have cult following like 'Star Wars', but will be family friendly and star the Mark Hamil of your generation! Here grab a seat and I'll tell you all about it.

"It all starts when Young Indy wakes up after a night of heavy milk drinking and finds that his trusty whip, I mean love snake.wait, Indy hates snakes.let's stick with whip, I can market that, has been stolen. He rolls over to and taps his best friend, Paco del Beaner Garcia (played by 'That 70's Show's' 'Fez' in BRILLIANT casting) He asks young Beaner what happened the previous night. Beaner responds in his wonderfully cartoon-like way. Just like my gardener, or Speedy Gonzales 'I dunno signor. I just like sleeping all the time.'

'Oh you Beaners,' quips young Indy, before he starts looking around the room. Slowly at first, and then more frantically, knocking over milk bottles in the process.

'Where is it?' he mutters at first before kicking a dozing Paco and yelling 'Wake up Beaner! Where is it?'

Paco opens his lazy brown eyes and says, 'Where is what signor?'

'How many times do I have to tell you, it isn't signor. It's pronounced dude. Dude, Where's My Whip??' ( George Lucas enterprises esq, junior, III)

That my friend will be the catchphrase of a new millennium," Lucas says to me with a huge smile on his face.

I stare at him, unable to believe the words coming out of his mouth. Before I can say anything Lucas continues.

"Well before you know it, Young Indy and Paco del Beaner go on a monumental journey searching for the legendary whip. Their adventure isn't going that well so far because Paco likes to sleep and Indy keeps having to wake him up and make sure he carries all of the wrinkled old bags (we are negotiating with Demi Moore to play one of them, but we all know how real life couples screw up box office revenues).

"For the first hour or so of the movie, nothing really happens. I saw the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and I know a great marketing tool when I see it. The longer the film, the more money it makes, so with that in mind, Indy and young Beaner travel from country to country looking for the whip and finding themselves in many long and detailed judiciary committees solving many of the world's problems, or making them worse, I don't know I haven't really figured that part out yet.

Anyway, they finally get some information about the whereabouts of the whip and they go into space! Yeah, that's right. So they go into space right, and then they reach the bad guy, he will be dressed in an all black scuba suit and breathes through a respirator like Christopher Reeve did (damn this is good! Dude, where's my pen, I gotta write some of this down). He'll be called Dark Van Vader or something like that, and will be surrounded by creatures that resemble snakes, but are furry and have big anime sized eyes. I'll call them snewoks. This will allow young Indy to quip his famous line, "I hate snewocks, but they're so cute and cuddly, I think I want to buy one!" It turns out Dark Van Vader does have the whip, and Young Indy recovers it somehow. I'm not sure what, but I'll just shoot them running in front of a green screen and fill in the rest later. But before Young Indy can escape the space station, Dark reveals the most groundbreaking secret of ALL TIME! Get this: Dark is Beaner's illegitimate father! Oh yeah! Dark will then take an escape pod and fly away somewhere. This will set up the sequel to this movie: 'Dude, Where's My Daddy', where Beaner will go in search of his father as he wanders planets and the globe sitting in on government council meetings, and cuts lawn. It's the sequel that will guarantee that I can buy another solid gold wife."

I stare at Lucas as the sweat pours down his face. He reaches into his pocket and blots it off with a $500 bill, and then throws it in the trash. I don't know what to say, but I know what I'm thinking: This is the greatest movie ever.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).