George Lucas's obsession with prequels and lanky white guys who can't act continues as he unleashes Ashton Kutcher on the unsuspecting movie audience as a Young Indiana Jones for the "black man music generation". Lucas has been heard to say that Kutcher "epitomizes all that an actor should be. He's tall, skinny, and can act like a stuck up whiny white guy, a staple for all of all the stars of my movie. He's like Hayden Christianson, but a REALLY good actor. Have you seen 'Butterfly Effect'? He reminded me of a young Jake Lloyd in that movie." But don't expect this Indiana Jones to push the limits like the last one did (Raider's of the Los Ark caused the PG-13 rating to be invented). This movie is the epitome of everything Steven Speilberg and Lucas want in a flick. Lucas describes. "I'm a pussy." I asked him to elaborate. "Well ever since I became a father, Stephen and I have realized that our testicles have sucked into our body cavity and become ovaries. We now produce estrogen at an alarming rate, and have come to the conclusion that we are women. It's no longer our job to produce groundbreaking films that push the envelope, but it is our job to re-edit our previous films in a way that coddles children and doesn't promote violence." I asked him to elaborate. "You see, I don't want kids to think that it is ok to pick up sabers of light and chop off each others limbs with it, or even pretend to." I now pick up my plastic light saber and start hitting George with it. He chuckles and says, "I've made so much money off of that thing." He then autographs it and walks outside where he starts an auction for all the kids who came by. As children ranging from 10-45 years of age start throwing money at Lucas he turns to me and says, "You know" while pointing at the light saber, "in the special editions of the movies, I was going to call these things 'love sticks.'"
After what seems like 2 hours, Lucas sits back down, his jacket stuffed with money and blood. "Some little tyke sold his liver and kidneys and bought the love stick from me. Isn't the 'Star Wars' phenomenon beautiful?" He continues to stroke the money, muttering "my precious" under his breath while I asked him if any of this was going to lead anywhere. He laughs and says, "Young padawan, the dark side of impatience is strong in you. Before we can get to the good stuff, we have to talk politics!" He then slams his fist on the table repeatedly as if he is holding a gavel and then proceeds to act out a three hour session of a meeting of the galactic federation counsel complete with 400 costume changes and Lucas performing as Jar Jar Binks and Wookies. "Meesa lika movie suh!" Lucas says while jumping from one foot to the other in dance like fashion. "And don't EVEN say this is racist! I am so sick of all the black, yellow and brown telling me how racist I am because I put Jar Jar in the movie. The guy is supposed to be cool, like one of those black dudes from Jamaica." I plead with him to sit down and talk about his new movie, and stop with this stupidity. "STUPIDITY??" Lucas bellows. I ask him what any of the past 5 hours had to do with his movie. "I've been teaching you about the movie young Padawan. This new movie will have cult following like 'Star Wars', but will be family friendly and star the Mark Hamil of your generation! Here grab a seat and I'll tell you all about it.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).