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Weapons of Mat Destruction

 

The Duck

Gadaffi Duck
 


Friday, July 23, 2004 12:00 AM
 
Weapons of Mat Destruction (07/23/04) by Gadaffi Duck
 
From deep within his new and improved 'Bunker of Arrogance', Gadaffi Duck (I think therefore I'm right) dispenses his ascended wisdom to you, the peons. Plus his now legendary sage 'corrective therapy' in the form of a stout stick to the head of all those who disagree with him.

Okay bedwetters, here's how it's going to be - I tell ya something, and you can worship me as your God. Simple, easy and fast. Now then, just the other day I was watching our favourite sport when it occurred to me that even though I am stuck here in the University of Hell, I am suffering from a certain amount of boredom regarding the wrasslin'.

Heresy I know! But it's sorta like when you come home and find your girlfriend (okay, most of you fat internet virgins - thank you Mr Bradshaw - will never know this aspect of life, but hey, play along for the sake of this column) complaining that she's got a headache. Now, you gimps may just say 'yes' dear and go back to your couch but that ain't what the Duck would do - no fucking way. I'd go to the bathroom, powder my dick with aspirin and tell the bitch that she can either take her medicine orally or as a suppository! And right now, the WWE really, really needs to take its medicine.

So, somebody please tell the WWE that firstly Edge is not the force that he was, and desperately needs an image update. Secondly, and this has been my main moan for months - tighten up the production values of the actual program. The sets look tired, and the whole image looks like it has been stuck in 1997, but with a few extra bells and whistles added on. I swear to Satan, that if I hear another dull west coast metal guitar riff as an entrance piece of music, I will shoot the telly. You know what, I would rather hear 'Real American' and 'Money, money, money' than listen to a genre that has died a cot death.

Christ, not every single fat-fanboy is a miserable, lonely, white, blue collar, poor, loser, musically uninspired cunt - hey Vince, you've actually got a Hispanic demographic - and some say the Black demographic has risen too. Further, there is a pretty big European fan base too. This means that there are a variety of cultures that you can dip into (and let's be honest, the British music scene has always been more fresh, inspired and less censored than the USA) and sample some uplifting, cracking, get behind, kicking sounds.

Well, I've gotta get back to computer analysis right now - so don't go fisting yourselves in memory of your abusive fathers - and the Duck will be back to delight and entertain very, very soon.

Gadaffi Duck
Me there is, me there was, me there ever will be.

PS. Soon the Gadaffi Duck Dead Pool will be with you...Tremble ye spastics.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).