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DREAM MATCH: HBK VS. JESUS!:

With the historic first ever teaming of Shawn Michaels and GOD pending for Backlash 2006, there's been much talk as to what we can expect from our Lord at the pay-per-view; or even which member of The world's first "Triple threat" (The Holy Trinity) will even show up that night for action.

 

However, as historic a match as that should be, it got me to wondering; Just WHAT would happen if Shawn Michaels were to one day step into the ring AGAINST the almighty?

 

You see, many of HBK's most ardent supporters will claim that as far as they're concerned, once the bell rings, Michaels could very well walk on water; however, I ask this: Just how well would The Heartbreak Kid fare against a man who actually could?

 

I mean, there is no doubt that HBK is one of the most resilient superstars in wrestling history, and has defeated some of the industry's top names; but, just how would he match up against his own personal inspiration...our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?! Well, let us find out now as the Heart Break Kid does battle with The King of Kings! (not Triple H. Who no doubt has some 'splainin' to do once he crosses over...)

 

Here's how it'll work: We'll break down the "superstars" in question logically, and try to fairly decipher who would prevail based on experience, athleticism and a little 3rd party inspiration we'll call DIVINE INTERVENTION...the historic first ever teaming of Shawn Michaels and GOD pending for Backlash 2006, there's been much talk as to what we can expect from our Lord at the pay-per-view; or even which member of The world's first "Triple threat" (The Holy Trinity) will even show up that night for action.

 

However, as historic a match as that should be, it got me to wondering; Just WHAT would happen if Shawn Michaels were to one day step into the ring AGAINST the almighty?

 

You see, many of HBK's most ardent supporters will claim that as far as they're concerned, once the bell rings, Michaels could very well walk on water; however, I ask this: Just how well would The Heartbreak Kid fare against a man who actually could?

 

I mean, there is no doubt that HBK is one of the most resilient superstars in wrestling history, and has defeated some of the industry's top names; but, just how would he match up against his own personal inspiration...our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?! Well, let us find out now as the Heart Break Kid does battle with The King of Kings! (not Triple H. Who no doubt has some 'splainin' to do once he crosses over...)

 

Here's how it'll work: We'll break down the "superstars" in question logically, and try to fairly decipher who would prevail based on experience, athleticism and a little 3rd party inspiration we'll call DIVINE INTERVENTION...

 

Let's get it on! :

Tale O' the Tape:

Height:

Weight:

HBK: 227 lbs; 6'1";

Jesus: ??? ???

Experience:

HBK: 20 years;

Jesus: 2039 years;

 

Allies:

HBK: The Kliq;

Jesus: The Disciples;

 

Last Title held:

HBK: World Title (Nov. 17 2002-December 15 2002;)

Jesus: Savior of Humanity: 33 B.C.-present;

 

Accomplishments and other notes:

-Jesus: Carried a heavy wooden cross on his back through town;

-HBK: Carried a heavy wooden Psycho Sid...to a credible match;

 

-Jesus: Moved a mysterious one ton boulder;

-HBK: Mysteriously managed to get out of jobbing to 450 pound Vader...who's from Boulder, Colorado;

-Jesus: Turned water into wine;

-HBK: (along with Scott Hall): Turned wine into...urine?

 

Jesus: Turned the other cheek;

HBK: Exposed cheeks, both of them...frequently;

 

-Jesus:  Revealed he is the “way” to escape going to Hell.

-HBK:Revealed a way to escape Hell…in a Cell, 1997.

 

-Jesus:  Said "he who is without sin, cast the first stone."

-HBK: Got stoned... on GHB with Marty Jannetty....

 

-Jesus: Turned over the money lenders tables in the Temple.

-HBK:  Goes through tables…on every ppv...

 

Jesus: Will deliver humanity at Armageddon;

HBK: Surprisingly didn't deliver at Armageddon.....2003...on Pay-per-view;

 

Jesus: Preached on the mount of olives.

HBK: Mounted...well, just about anything with a pulse in the 90's...

 

Jesus: Betrayed by Judas for 30 pieces of silver;

HBK: Betrayed by HHH... and had about 30 matches in the last two years....

 

The Probable Outcome:

 

Due to Jesus' pacifist nature, this would no doubt be a scientific encounter. And while HBK would obviously be overwhelmed by the spiritual Jesus, he may fare a bit better against the physical Jesus.

 

Jesus, however, discounting the powers of the Father, would still bring a lot to the table and not just baskets of fish. You see, Jesus would likely be surprisingly strong, mostly due to his carpentry experience under the tutelage of his father Joseph. Also, The Christ's cardio-vascular conditioning would also be top notch from the countless hours of bare foot walking from town to town.

 

HBK is known for his agility, but Jesus was no slouch in this department either. You just don't WALK ON WATER without uncanny timing and athleticism. Also,as we know, HBK is no stranger to getting aerial in a bout, but let's not forget that Jesus ASCENDED TO HEAVEN. And this was from a standing position, mind you, so I'd think Jesus would have no problem going upstairs if the situation called for it....

 

And finally, as tough as Michaels is, and he is tough, I don't think we need to sell you on Jesus' recuperative powers...

 

Our official pick: I think in this particular case, HBK would indeed have to do the job. I mean, if you won't put over the offspring of the heavenly creator, just whom would you put over? And let's be frank, You think Vince is protective of his family's spot on the card? Well, here's one "father" I don't think you'd want to want to get on the bad side of.

Anyway, based on the facts presented, I sincerely believe that Jesus would OWN Shawn Michaels, overwhelming him with an offense not seen of this world (literally). And the best part? if HBK was unfortunately injured trying to keep up with the son of God, our Lord could easily heal him on the spot! What a magnanimous athlete!

Winner: Jesus....and us all.

 Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).