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The Sixth Child presents…

 

A look at the world of wrestling through the eyes of a film buff.

 

V5(ahhhhh) “Predator 2” starring Mark Henry.

The year 1996 was a helluva time to be a wrestling fan. The feud between the WWF and WCW was heating up as both sides did everything they could to outdo one another. This included those really stupid Billionaire Ted skits where WWF made fun of Hulk Hogan’s age, only to rehire him A DECADE LATER!!!!

Anyway, at the doorstep of the Attitude era Vince McMahon made a very bold move by handing a $10 million decade-long contract to former Olympic weightlifter Mark Henry. In those 10 years, Henry’s biggest career highlights included feeling up a transvestite in front of his mother, and having sex with Mae Young who gave birth to a hand as a result. Take THAT Ricky Steamboat!

But it wasn’t all bad news for Henry. In between several injuries and numerous trips to OVW, he went from an over-hyped, uncoordinated heavyweight mid-carder, to… an over-hyped, uncoordinated super-heavyweight with a main event push.

Let’s face it. The only difference between Henry ‘96 and Henry ‘07 are the dreadlocks, which the guys here at TWF rightly pointed out make him look like the Predator. So this latest edition of DONE sees Mizark finally get some credibility by posing as one of the coolest aliens in cinematic history. While the original Predator (1987)  starring Arnold Schwarzenegger was way better than the sequel, I decided to go with Predator 2 (1990), mostly because it will give me more time to ogle over naked pictures of Linda McMahon.

Crap, did I just say that out loud?

Anyway, the year is 1997; Los Angeles is simultaneously suffering from a massive heat and crime wave. A gruesome gun-fight is taking place in the Columbian district with heavily-armed drug lords outnumbering police. We join journalist Josh Matthews from sensationalist news program “Hard Core” as he reports (hair-gel and all) from the scene. A recent poll found many still prefer to hear gunfire than his low vocabulary and pre-pubescent voice.

 

JOSH: Hard Core! On the scene and in your face! The carnage is like Dante’s Hell down here! Carnage! Smoke! Fire! Oppressive heat! Carnage! Columbian and Jamaican drug fiends once again transform the carnagey streets of LA into a carnagey slaughterhouse! Who the hell is in carnage, I mean, charge down here? The Cops? Uh-uh. The carnage has got them outmanned, outgunned, and incompetent! The mayor needs to get off his butt and face the carnage! Oh, the carnage!

Josh “the man with no thesaurus” Matthews’ transmission is interrupted by Lieutenant Mike Harrigan, who crashes through the police barricades in his car. The Columbians decide to retreat into a nearby factory where they keep more weapons than the National Guard and more drugs than Lex Luger. But as they gear up to face the police again, they hear a rattling coming from the outside. It sounds like someone is trying to break through the lock and chain of the outside gate…   

(rattling continues for several minutes)

*Ahem* I SAID, it sounds like someone is trying to break through the lock and chain of the outside gate…  

(rattling continues for several minutes)

(referee tells Mark Henry to come in through the skylight instead)

(sigh) Suddenly, the skylight above explodes and the Columbians start firing at anything that moves. Police eventually storm the factory, and Harrigan finds the gang-leader standing at the edge of the roof, soaked in blood and white as a ghost. Harrigan tells him to come down, but the leader sees something in the distance causing him to scream. Harrigan shoots the leader who falls several stories into a well-placed stack of tables on top of thick black foam mats.

CROWD: Ho-ly shit! Ho-ly shit! Ho-ly shit!

JOSH: Wow! He just dropped like Super Mario to the carnage below! Doo-doo-doo-doo-doop-DO doop!

(CROWD stares at Josh)

SMALL GIRL: Mommy, why is Ryan Seacrest singing the Super Mario theme?

Standing at the edge of the roof, Harrigan looks down at the carnage below (Fuck! Now he’s got ME saying it!). Relieved, Harrigan turns around only to see what appears to be a hulking figure with dreadlocks staring at him a few yards away. Not sure what to do, Henry waits for a referee to prompt him. When that doesn’t work, he simply poses repeatedly before waddling away.

HARRIGAN: I must be losing it.

DANNY: Mike, you better come look at this.

Harrigan follows his partner Danny Archuleta to the rooms below where they find a number of broken and bloodied bodies. They look up to see one of the Columbians hanging upside down, naked and covered in blood.

DANNY: That’s about 35-40 feet. The guy must weigh around 190 pounds.

HARRIGAN: So if we use the WWE measurement system, he should be about 700 feet up and must weigh a little under a ton.

DANNY: No rope, no ladder. You couldn’t carry him up there.

HARRIGAN: Jesus, it looks like JBL’s last backstage initiation ceremony.

DANNY: This is not good, Mike. Not good at all.

Harrigan and Danny head back to the office for debriefing.

HARRIGAN: What have we got?

DANNY: Well, all these guys were killed without a single bullet wound. Whoever did this waited until the last minute, and took out four men armed with machine guns by hand, and then got by us. Maybe we should give him a job, put him on the payroll.

HARRIGAN: Yeah, a ten-year contract!

(both laugh uncontrollably)

Their conversation is interrupted by a knock at the door. Two men in suits walk in. Their similar features make them look like father and son, but the older man has a distinct walk that makes he look like a ferret is trying to escape from his rectum.

VINCE: Lieutenant Harrigan? I’m Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the Chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment. I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m sorry for this jurisdictional intrusion. I don’t mean to step on your toes, but we’re attempting to prevent these gangs from taking over the entire West Coast.

(DANNY and HARRIGAN look at each other)

HARRIGAN: (to VINCE) (confused) …and what does that have to do with LA’s drug war?

VINCE: (nervously) Drugs? Who said anything about drugs?! The WWE in no way is affiliated with drugs! Not now, not ever! Honest to God! Our wrestlers are as natural as the Great Khali’s mic ability!

(Both stare at VINCE)

VINCE: (even more nervously) I wish I could tell you more, but we have a large number of deep cover operatives involved here. You know how it is. We all have a job to do, and I’m sure we can respect each-other’s situation and act responsibly.

DANNY: (mumbles) Like your daughter’s 9/11 speech.

VINCE: What?

DANNY: Nothing.

Later that night Harrigan and Danny are called to yet another gruesome bloodbath. The Jamaican drug-lords tried to attack the leader of the Columbian cartel, but once again someone or something came along and slaughtered everyone. Harrigan ignores McMahon’s warning and enters the building without authorization. The damage to the room is worse than Randy Orton’s last visit, and the group finds the cartel leader’s girlfriend hiding in the corner.

HARRIGAN: What’s she saying, Danny?

DANNY: (listening closely) It doesn’t make any sense. She’s saying the same thing over and over again. “The Devil came for them.” (listens even more closely) Oh wait, she’s saying “The Devil came for them, but he botched a lot of his spots.”

Suddenly their conversation is interrupted once again by Vince McMahon and his entourage.

VINCE: This is a restricted area! I want it cleared immediately! You’re walking on physical evidence!

HARRIGAN: Listen, I know this is your show…

VINCE: You’re not listening! Maybe you can hear this. Next time you cross me, you’re gonna turn up missing.

Vince notices journalist Josh Matthews lurking in the corner recording everything with a video camera.

VINCE: Shane, the 14-year-old girl with the camera, get him right now!

SHANE: (grabbing JOSH) Let’s go.

JOSH: Stay away! I’ve got my rights! Mr McMahon, there are skinless bodies hanging from the ceiling, blood is splattered everywhere and a madman appears to be terrorising LA. What are your thoughts?

SHANE: (leading JOSH out of the room) Shut the fuck up.

VINCE: (to HARRIGAN) Now get the hell out of here. (Walks away)

HARRIGAN: Just who the hell are you, McMahon?

SHANE: (cuts in) (threateningly) The last person in the world you ever want to fuck with.

(pause)

SHANE: He knows powerful people, like… Timbaland.

HARRIGAN: (confused) Who?

Harrigan, unnerved by McMahon, decides to continue investigating. He sets up a meeting with the leader of the Jamaicans, whose henchmen pick him up in a car filled with guys smoking weed. One of them looked oddly familiar.

They take Harrigan to a dark alley, where he meets the leader of the Jamaicans – a mysterious voodoo witchdoctor named The Boogeyman.

BOOGEYMAN: They say you want to talk to me. They say you offering me favours. Tell me why, Babylon? Mr Policeman?

HARRIGAN: I want some information.

BOOGEYMAN: Information. About the one that’s doing the killing?

HARRIGAN: Yeah. I’d also like to know what is it that you do exactly.

BOOGEYMAN: I slam an alarm clock on my head and eat worms while a black midget named “Little Boogie” follows me around.

(pause)

HARRIGAN: Wow, that’s… really stupid… and that last part sounded a little racist. Anyway, about that killer, I think you know who he is. I want him.

BOOGEYMAN: (laughing) I don’t know who he is. But I know where he is. The Other Side.

HARRIGAN: (gasp) TNA?

BOOGEYMAN: The spirit world, mon. You see, it’s always the same. There’s no stopping what can’t be stopped. No killing what can’t be killed.

HARRIGAN: Just like Hardcore Holly’s career.

BOOGEYMAN: I can feel him all around. You can’t see the eyes of the demon until he comes calling. This is dread, mon, truly dread. Nothing else for you here, policeman. Time to go. Prepare yourself.

As soon as Harrigan leaves, the Boogeyman feels the presence of another. He turns around to see Mark Henry staring back at him, and the two start to battle it out. But a match between Mark Henry and the Boogeyman would be so ludicrously bad, let’s just move on to the next scene.

Harrigan gets word there’s been another attack, this time on the LA subway. He races there to find yet another grisly murder scene on board one of the trains. Harrigan goes down the subway’s tracks on foot to see if he can find Henry. He sees him in the distance trying to press-slam someone, but he stumbles and accidentally removes his head.

Henry runs away and Harrigan follows him back onto the city streets. Once again, journalist Josh Matthews pops up out of nowhere.

JOSH: (carrying camera) Harrigan! What are your thoughts on the carnage here in…

HARRIGAN: (punching the camera) FUCK you!

The people in the street start applauding as Harrigan gets into his car to pursue Henry. He swerves into a dark alley where out of nowhere he collides with a Hummer driven by Scott Steiner and Brian Kendrick.

KENDRICK: Good job stopping Harrigan, Steiner!

STEINER: Uhhh, yeah, that’s what I was doing.

The two take Harrigan into a WWE production truck in the middle of a deserted parking lot. Inside, Shane and Vince McMahon watch a series of monitors until Harrigan walks in.

VINCE: (to HARRIGAN) Don’t you show up in the damndest places.

HARRIGAN: What is this?

VINCE: (pointing to monitor) There’s your killer. Wonderful isn’t it? Ten years ago one of its kind stalked and eliminated an elite special forces crew in Central America. There were two survivors. They indicated that when trapped, the creature activated a self-destruct device that destroyed enough rainforest to cover 300 city blocks.

HARRIGAN: Explosives?

VINCE: Nah, he was trying to do a power-bomb but it got out of hand. Anyway, this guy is a fucking alien! It marks a new era of scientific technology, and more importantly, a chance for us to put him under contract.

HARRIGAN: Huh?

VINCE: We’re going to give this guy a job. Imagine the fans when they see him waddle to the ring. He’ll be good for at least 10 years.

HARRIGAN: Are you insane?!

VINCE: Clearly. Look, we even got some Academy Award-winning rappers to write a theme for him.

Vince pushes a button that plays an heavily distorted rap song with a bunch of guys repeatedly yelling “Somebody’s gonna get their ass whooped.”

HARRIGAN: (covering his ears) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!!

(music stops)

VINCE: Just repeating, those guys won A FUCKING ACADEMY AWARD!!! Anyway, I’ve waited a lifetime for this, and I’m not going to miss the chance. Grab a seat. Enjoy the show. This is history.

Vince and an army of scientists armed with liquid nitrogen guns head for a nearby meat-packing factory (insert Pat Patterson joke here) where Mark Henry has been hiding out. Vince McMahon gives the order for the crew to begin their WWE-esque “surprise attack”, where Shane starts playing Vince’s entrance song “No Chance” over a series of loud speakers. The crew storms the factory where Mark Henry is, not surprisingly, waiting for them. He disposes them quickly by tearing their ligaments and cracking their ribs with his over zealous gorilla-press slams and splashes. Harrigan is so bored and uninterested in seeing Mark Henry fight, he races into the factory and empties a clip into Henry’s torso, who stumbles and falls. Harrigan slowly approaches Henry’s lifeless body, and crouches down to look at his face up-close.

HARRIGAN: You are one ugly mother…

(HENRY’S arm shoots up and grabs HARRIGAN by the throat)

HENRY: …mother fucker?

Henry throws Harrigan aside and starts to close in on him, but he’s side-swiped by Vince who blasts him with his liquid nitrogen gun. This only makes Henry angrier, as he charges towards Vince and hits him with a thunderous spear tackle.

JR: My Gawd, King! Mark Henry just broke Mr McMahon in half!

KING: Puppies! Hey, wait, for once you didn’t exaggerate!

JR: This is the most magical moment in the history of homo sapiens - EVER!

KING: Damn! I spoke too soon!

Harrigan follows Henry to the rooftop where he sees him posing at the side of the building with Mr McMahon’s severed head in-hand.

But once again, Henry loses his balance and goes crashing into a neighbouring hotel building. Keep in mind they want to give this klutz a decade-long contract. Anyway, Henry managed to land in the bathroom of one of the hotel rooms, where he is severely injured (nothing new there). Trying to perform first aid on himself, he rummages through the bathroom’s medicine cabinet where he finds multiple bottles of growth hormones and steroids.

Henry wails in pain as he injects everything into his body, causing the hotel room’s inhabitant, Gene Snitsky, to come barging in.

SNITSKY: Hey! Those are mine!

(HENRY stares at SNITSKY)

HENRY: You are one ugly mother fucker.

Henry tears through the bathroom wall and keeps running leaving a path of destruction behind him. At that moment Randy Orton peers inside the hotel room to see Snitsky sitting in the middle of burning rubble, broken furniture and shattered glass.

ORTON: Pffft, amateur.

Suddenly Harrigan comes racing in from the bathroom.

HARRIGAN: (waving arms) It’s OK, I’m a cop.

SNITSKY: I don’t think he gives a shit.

(HARRIGAN stares at SNITSKY)

SNITSKY: What?

HARRIGAN: You are one ugly mother fucker.

Harrigan follows Henry’s trail leading to the elevator shaft. Harrigan hesitates before diving into the never-ending darkness below. He finally lands on board what appears to be a spaceship. Surrounded by mist and fog, Harrigan struggles to see what’s in front of him. That is until a beeping razor-sharp metal disc narrowly misses him and gets jammed in a nearby wall. Harrigan then sees Henry charging towards him, but because he moves at the speed of a continental plate, Harrigan walks to the nearby wall, takes out the disc and jams it into Henry’s torso, killing him once and for all.

HARRIGAN: Get it straight, asshole. Shit happens!

But just when he thought it was over, Harrigan turns around to find three more Predators standing behind him. Harrigan can do nothing but look on helplessly as they approach him, but he then notices they are actually the remaining members of the Nation of Domination.

HARRIGAN: Ok… who’s next?

The Predators pick up Mark Henry’s body and take him to another part of the ship. But the last to leave looks back at Harrigan to say one final thing that will leave a lasting impression on all of mankind…

FAROOQ: …DAMN!!!!

Although puzzled by what the Predator said, Harrigan bolts to the nearest exit as the ship starts to take off. The ignition buries Harrigan in a blanket of ash and debris, but he survives. Dazed, confused and a filthy mess, Harrigan emerges from the clouds of smoke and dust to be greeted by Shane McMahon and his chopper.

SHANE: Harrigan! What the fuck happened in there?!

(HARRIGAN stares at SHANE)

SHANE: (conceding) Goddamn it! We came so close!

As Shane runs back to the chopper and flies away, Harrigan chuckles to himself.

HARRIGAN: Don’t worry, asshole. You’ll get another chance.

Sadly, Harrigan was right. Despite the fact that Mark Henry killed his father, wasted millions in resources (oh yeah, and DIED!!!), Shane McMahon had his body sent to world-renowned surgeon Dr. Lloyd Youngblood in San Antonio, Texas where he was brought back to life. After all that, Henry was handed his ten-year contract which WWE fans everywhere have been paying for ever since.

THE END

CREDITS

 

SEND FEEDBACK TO THE SIXTH CHILD

The Sixth Child is a journalist based in Melbourne, Australia. When he’s not feeding his pet kangaroos Binky and Bunky, he watches, reviews and obsesses over films while casually fucking swearing. He also represents the lollypop guild, the lollypop guild, the lollypop guild!

[All Photoshops created by Sean Carless.]

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).