After successfully serving as the Governor of Minnesota, Jesse “The Body” Ventura said politics was a lot more cut-throat than wrestling. But anyone who knows the difference between Bret Hart and the Brooklyn Brawler will argue wrestling and politics are one in the same. Both are about who you know rather than what you know (Daniel Rodhimer), both require constant spin and the re-writing of history (WWF? Who are they?) and the higher-ups of both seem hell-bent on sticking to pointless and unpopular agendas (insert own foible here).

Once in a while you’ll see someone in a WWE crowd holding up a sign saying “Vince For President.” Then the world wonders why Americans were stupid enough to re-elect Bush. Anyway, it got me thinking about the 1993 film “Dave” starring Kevin Kline as the title character; a likeable temp agency owner who is the spitting image of the US President. So when the President is involved in a scandal that claims his life, the White House gets Dave to take his place.

But what if the same thing happened to Vince at WWE?

In Stamford, CT , Vince McMahon meets with WWE’s writers. The usual protocol for the company’s creative team is to recycle storylines from 1999, unless Vince gives them an idea to work with. Vince is explaining his latest brain-fart with HHH standing by his side.

VINCE: So after Triple H wins the title, Wrestlemania will end with Donald Trump kissing my ass while I simultaneously shave his head bald and Candice Michelle gives me a blow job! Linda will sit there drugged out of her mind and Shane will be doing cartwheels to his ridiculous entrance music while Stephanie screeches into the microphone. Everyone walks away happy, from the children at ringside to the $500 nosebleed seats!

(long uncomfortable pause)

VINCE: (threateningly) Well…?

(ALL burst into immediate approval and praise)

VINCE: SHUT UP!

(ALL fall silent)

VINCE: Now, onto this New Talent Initiative. I don’t like it. Do you know why? Because it would promote new faces on WWE TV. Any moron can walk in and become a WWE superstar. This is a business I created with my own two hands. I did it all! No-one deserves any credit! I’m the brains behind such names as Giant Gonzales, the Boogeyman and Red Rooster! I’ve never taken a day off in my life! Everybody buy a maid for your children because you’re never going home! VINCE MCMAHON DOES WHAT VINCE MCMAHON LIKES DAMMIT!

(ALL burst into immediate approval and praise)

VINCE: But if I kill this initiative, I’m gonna look like a prick. I don’t want to look like a prick. I want you to look like pricks.

WRITER 1: But sir, we tried to kill it. Twice.

VINCE: I don’t think so. If you killed it, it would be dead. When I kill something, it always dies.

WRITER 1: Like the XFL.

VINCE: What?

WRITER 1: Nothing.

WRITER 2: Sir, I have a suggestion if I may. How about we take a fresh approach to the Shelton Benjamin angle and…

(VINCE’s stares murderously at WRITER 2)

WRITER 2: (nervously gulps) …uhhhh… have him dump wet cement into a white corvette!

VINCE: I like it! Have it on my desk in the morning.

(ALL scurry out of the room leaving VINCE and HHH alone)

VINCE: You found a body double for me yet?

HHH: Yeah, he’s waiting outside.

VINCE: Good. If I have to go to one more steroid trial I’m gonna lose it. I ALREADY BEAT THOSE CITY HALL BASTARDS!!!

HHH: I know, Vince. I’ll bring him in.

Triple H brings in Dave Kovic, an impersonator who doesn’t know a great deal about wrestling, but has made a lot of money posing as Vince at various Indy shows. Vince is visibly amazed by Dave’s resemblance to him. He carefully examines both sides of Dave’s face.

VINCE: You're a handsome man.

DAVE: Thank you, Mr. McMahon.

VINCE: Just get rid of the grin. You look like a schmuck.

(DAVE shuffles around sheepishly)

VINCE: Take off your pants.

DAVE: Excuse me?

VINCE: Take off your pants! I want to see if your ass can do tricks and if you’ve got the grapefruits to…

HHH: (cutting in) (to DAVE) I’ll explain later.

Dave makes his appearance as Vince McMahon at the steroid trial. But the real reason Vince needed a body double was so he could put his “genetic jackhammer” to work on the upcoming “winner” of the $250,000 “Diva” Search. However, in the middle of one of their sessions Vince suffers a massive stroke. HHH and WWE spin doctor Alan Reed meet to discuss what to do next.

ALAN: They say the stroke hit both sides of his brain. Even if he lives he’ll be a vegetable.

HHH: What about the girl?

ALAN: We just gave her a developmental contract and sent her on her way.

HHH: This is a nightmare.

ALAN: I know. She’s a talentless whore.

HHH: Not that! Vince!

ALAN: Hunter, at some point we're gonna have to call the Board of Directors.

HHH: Don't call them, Al.

ALAN: The guy's in a coma, Hunter!

HHH: I don't give a shit. This is mine, Alan. All mine. I made him, I built him. And no Boy Scout is going to come in here and take it away from me.

ALAN: (mutters) You’ve only been married to his daughter for 3 years.

HHH: What?

ALAN: Nothing.

Dave eventually returns to WWE headquarters where Alan and HHH try to talk him into posing as Vince McMahon until they find a solution.

ALAN: You see, Dave, we need our friends, and even our enemies to feel safe and secure. We need them to feel like they can go to bed at night knowing that Vince McMahon is fully in control.

DAVE: (pause) It’s wrestling.

ALAN: Yes, but a lot of people count on Vince. He’s built a massive empire which a lot of people depend on to deliver good, wholesome entertainment.

DAVE: Alan, when I flipped through a few channels last week, I saw two actors on your show claiming to be Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump tussling in the ring like retards while the crowd booed.

HHH: I thought you said you didn’t watch wrestling.

DAVE: I don’t. But anyone with half a brain knows bad TV when they see it. Besides, is what you’re proposing even legal?

ALAN: Listen, Dave. If you had to get your mother to a hospital really fast, would you run a red light?

DAVE: Yeah, I guess.

ALAN: Then imagine that the entire WWE is in the car.

HHH: And you've got to get it to the hospital.

DAVE: I’ll do it for 10 percent of your DVD profits.

ALAN: (sighs) Deal.

The story breaks all over the internet (meaning Dave Meltzer’s site and two MySpace pages) that Vince suffered a mild stroke, but he would be back in action on a later date. Triple H and Alan sit with Dave and educate him on everything to do with World Wrestling Entertainment and Vince McMahon. But within 15 minutes they decide to give up as they struggle to explain why the “Mr McMahon’s Ass” cartoon was a good idea. Dave eventually starts making multiple public appearances as Vince, where he seems likeable and down-to-earth. This sudden change in character gives WWE a ratings boost, and 13-year-old Emos seem more upbeat in internet chat rooms.

U_kant_c_me_klaus says:

hey

HBKsomerset99 says:

hey

U_kant_c_me_klaus says:

watch raw last night?

HBKsomerset99 says:

yeah. Mcmahon ashn’t mentioned semen or his ass in like, 4 weeks

U_kant_c_me_klaus says:

El oh el, ya, coolies

HBKsomerset99 says:

randy Orton is so hot

U_kant_c_me_klaus says:

dude, he’s a guy

HBKsomerset99 says:

my therapist says that’s normal

osama_bin_lala says:

I fucked your mom! J

Somerset99 says:

Dad, you’re drunk, go to bed

But while Dave’s popularity soars, Triple H has been running things behind the scenes – more than usual anyway. This includes forging Vince’s signature to veto the New Talent Initiative. When word of the decision is leaked to the internet, it causes uproar among the smarks. Dave realises this and calls a meeting with HHH and Alan.

HHH: (seething) What the hell is this?

DAVE: What the hell is this? (points to computer screen)

HHH: The internet, where losers with no lives expect me to hear their pleas and allow someone else to hold the belt. They’re nothing but…

DAVE: Not that, this.

ALAN: (reading from screen) “Hey there, Fuckies, and welcome back to the column that’s a lot like getting head from a woman who uses too much teeth: It’s very painful to get through, but I’ll be damned if it’s not worth it in the end.” What kind of sick fuck writes this shit?

DAVE: Read further down.

ALAN: (scanning through the article) Yeah, it’s talking about the New Talent Initiative.

DAVE: We vetoed that?

HHH: We didn’t veto anything.

ALAN: Dave, these things get very complicated…

DAVE: But a lot more new talent can come in.

HHH: (annoyed) Listen, you little shit…

ALAN: (cutting in) Dave, the budget is a very complicated thing. Even I don’t understand it sometimes.

DAVE: Yeah, but this could mean better things for the company. New ideas, new faces, it’ll give people more reason to tune in!

HHH: They already have a reason to tune in. I’m the Game, the…

DAVE: “…Cerebral Assassin, the most dominant wrestler in the WWE, I’m that damn good.” Yeah, I get it. We’ve heard it all before, Trip. That’s why I think we should seriously consider this thing. I mean, don’t you think you’ve taken up a little more than your fair share of air-time?

The look in Triple H’s face alone almost kills Dave. In typical Triple H fashion, his head quivers with anger until Alan quickly dumps HHH’s quarter-hourly bottle of Evian on his head and moves Dave out of harm’s way.

HHH: (coldly) If you can find a way to cut $65 million from the budget, you can have your lousy new talent. (turning to leave) And by the way, don’t you ever send for me again. You ain't seen nothin' yet. And if you screw with me…

DAVE: “…I promise to make your life a living hell.” Got it.

A disgruntled Triple H storms out of the office. Dave pleas with Alan to help him come up with a way to cut $65 million from the budget to put the New Talent Initiative into practice. Alan reluctantly agrees, and they pull and all-nighter reading through the books. Morning comes and Dave organises a meeting to present his new plan to the WWE personalities who wield the most power backstage.

DAVE: Thank you all for coming. I think I’ve found a way to put the New Talent Initiative into practice. Now the way I see it, we need $65 million in order to keep the project. Some of this can be done through simple changes in our cash management. I’ll start with you Hogan. According to the books, you use 17 contractors to bronze your body, is that right?

HOGAN: Uh, I believe so, yes.

DAVE: So, even though they're doing a shit job, we keep paying them?

HOGAN: Well, in a sense... yeah.

DAVE: OK, we just saved $2.3 million for each pay-per-view you appear at. Now, in order to get the rest of the money, we’ll have to make some tough choices. Taker, you’re spending $4.7 million on your entrance, which takes up approximately 12 minutes of every event you perform at.

TAKER: Yeah, the crowd loves it. I do it at least 90 times a year.

DAVE: So we’re spending all this money to recreate something fans have already seen another 89 times?

ACE: (mumbles) Welcome to the WWE.

TAKER: I wouldn’t categorize it that way.

DAVE: No, I’m sure it’s important. But I don't want to tell an independent wrestler trying to feed his family that they can’t come to WWE because of fancy lighting and a smoke-machine. Do you want to tell them that?

The rest of the group moan and groan as Dave shaves funds from every department. By the end of the meeting Dave has sorted through so much useless crap (Mark Henry’s ten-year contract, the Diva Search, even Pat Patterson’s addiction to Faberge eggs) he exceeds the $65 million benchmark. Triple H eventually hears about the meeting and how Dave plans to improve WWE even further. So he heads straight for his office with Alan in tow.

HHH: I'm gonna kill him!

ALAN: You can't kill Vince McMahon!

HHH: He is not Vince McMahon! He's an ordinary person! I can kill an ordinary person! I can kill a hundred ordinary people! This is a start of a whole new Game, and this Game is… (stops suddenly) Are you miming what I’m saying?

ALAN: (stops miming) No, of course not. Listen, he was just doing his job.

HHH: His job? It’s not his job. It’s MY job! Did he wrestle at WCW for a year? Did he have to job to the Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania in under a minute? Did he have to conceive a child with his sloth of a daughter!? Hello Judy.

JUDY: (passing by) Hi.

HHH: I’ll shred the bastard!

(HHH kicks down the door to Vince’s office)

HHH: What do you think you're doing?

DAVE: Oh, you mean the press conference. I had a couple of ideas that I wanted to share with the fans.

HHH: Share? SHARE!? You don't call a press conference. I call a press conference! You're nothing. Do you understand? You're nobody.

DAVE: I'm not nobody.

HHH: You're LINT! You're a FLEA! You're a BLIP!

DAVE: (getting up from his desk) Well, maybe I am. But… (phlegm-filled scream) YYYEEEEEERRRRR FFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRREEEEDDDD!!!

HHH: Oh, I’m fired? You’re fired.

DAVE: Fine. The whole press corps is out there. Should I go tell them, or did you want to? Just imagine the heat we’ll get from your little plan, Trip. This’ll be worse than the Eddie Guerrero saga, the Tim White skits and the Katie Vick episodes all rolled into one.

A defeated Triple H storms out of the office, leaving Dave to attend the press-conference. It’s here he introduces a number of new initiatives including:

-         a system that does away with backstage politics

-         a program allowing wrestling fans with writing experience to join the creative department

-         an off-season period where ECW TV (with its original writers) replaces WWE programming, allowing time off for writers to develop fresher storylines and superstars to spend more time with their families and less time putting their health at risk

-         world tours where actual episodes of RAW and Smackdown! are taped rather than putting on pointless dark shows

But in a bid to get back at Dave, Triple H swallows his pride and resorts to dropping a bombshell on *gasp!* the internet! He provides RD Reynolds of wrestlecrap.com with an extensive list of horrible storylines and characters the real Vince McMahon was looking to put on WWE TV.

ALAN: Dave, I think you better take a look at this.

DAVE: (reading the computer screen) “As I began to investigate, I was saddened to discover at least 15 new characters and storylines were being put forward with the full knowledge of Vince McMahon, all of which were fucking stupid.” Now he’s making stuff up about me?

ALAN: No, he’s not. Vince McMahon did all that. But we knew if these ideas got out, the WWE would be as good as gone.

DAVE: So you mean he was going to (reading off the screen) lure Bret Hart back to WWE by holding the real ashes of Stu and Owen Hart hostage?

ALAN: Yep.

DAVE: (reading off screen) He was going to have Carlito and CM Punk in a homosexual angle where Carlito gives birth to a hand with an afro?

ALAN: That’s right.

DAVE: He was going to…

ALAN: Yes, Dave, we get the idea.

In order to get back at Triple H, Alan lets Dave in on a massive secret even he doesn’t know about. The two decide to drop the bombshell on the next episode of RAW and end Triple H’s threat once and for all. So Dave addresses the public at the next WWE taping in front of a sold-out arena (if you don’t count the curtained-off seats).

DAVE: Yes, I, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, came up with those ideas.

(crowd boos)

JR: My Gawd! Vince has just admitted he wrote those insanely bad ideas, King!

KING: Puppies!

DAVE: I admit those ideas were the best possible ones I could come up with.

(crowd boos)

JR: My Gawd! Vince says they were the best ones he could come up with, King!

KING: Puppies!

Meanwhile, Triple H sits at home watching the entire saga unfold on television.

HHH: Yes! Die you pond scum!

DAVE: But I’m afraid you don’t know the full story… and neither does Triple H.

(crowd murmurs in interest)

DAVE: You see, he thinks he’s invincible in this business because he’s married to my daughter. He’s been going through WWE championships like they were Kleenexes. Well I have some news for him. I drugged Triple H and made him sign a prenuptial agreement before he married Stephanie!

(crowd cheers)

JR: My Gawd!

KING: Puppies!

HHH: (shocked) What!?

DAVE: Take a look at the footage.

Dave points to the Titan Tron which shows Vince standing over a drugged Triple H. He places a pen in Triple H’s hand, and moves it around the pre-nup, constituting a signature.

JR: My Gawd, King! Where are you gonna see a storyline like this unfold anywhere else than the WWE?

KING: Puppies!

HHH: (frantically) That doesn’t mean anything! I had a kid with her!

DAVE: Oh, but wait, there’s more! Triple H was smart. Prenuptial agreements can be contested if the couple has a child! And last year Stephanie gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.

KING: (excited) A girl!?

JR: (off mic) (to KING) Remember what the judge said.

DAVE: But the truth is Triple H, that baby isn’t yours either!

(crowd cheers)

KING: Then whose baby is it!?

DAVE: That baby is… THE PRODUCT OF MY SEMEN! VINCENT KENNEDY MCMAHON!

(crowd explodes)

KING: WHAT!?

JR: OH MY GAWD! VINCE MCMAHON CLICKED BOOTS WITH HIS OWN DAUGHTER! THIS IS WHAT SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT IS ALL ABOUT!!!

Suddenly Dave collapses amidst all the excitement. JR and King put on their Owen Hart voices as EMTs attend to him in the ring. They take him to a local hospital where he’s pronounced dead on arrival due to a massive stroke. But it was all a swerve – and without Vince Russo! Who would have thunk it! Dave faked a stroke and switched places with Vince’s actual body before he was wheeled into the hospital. With Vince’s death confirmed and Triple H’s career in tatters, Vince’s children Stephanie and Shane take over the reigns at WWE. But despite having all of Dave’s solid ideas for them to use, the company folds less than a year later.

THE END

CREDITS

The Sixth Child is a journalist based in Melbourne, Australia. When he’s not feeding his pet kangaroos Binky and Bunky, he watches, reviews and obsesses over films while casually fucking swearing. He is also the only person not to have sued Borat.