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TNA DESTINATION X 2009

(03/15/09)

 

Neil Cathan here to brings you the news you've been waiting all month for! I've abstained from the Net for Lent, so I have absolutely no concept who's fighting who tonight. Let's see how good a job TNA does of selling me on the stories.

Sad Abyss in the rain as part of our ridiculous video to bring in the PPV. This show seems to be about the recession, from the video I just saw.

Beautiful People and some Blonde person vs Roxxi, Taylor Wilde and Sarah Palin w/o shoes.

So Velvet is a bad guy for beating up Sarah Palin impersonators? "Botchamania 71 = This Match" sign. I missed 69 and 70 between the start of Lent and now? Don West talks about all the private time he spends with the Knockouts. Uh-huh. If West makes time with them, I guess by law of transitive fallacy I still enjoy these shows. Spinebuster for the double down. Taylor Wilde is a house on fire! Can a house that contains that much plastic really catch fire? The Governer does a plancha onto the outside, keeping her eye on Russia as she does, no doubt. Taylor bridging suplexes the meaningless blonde for three.

Winners: Taylor Wilde/Roxxi/THE GOVERNER. Seriously? She doesn't get a real name?


1 Panda. Atrocious.

JJ and Foley backstage with Lauren. Jarrett cuts a promo. So, the story of the show is that Sting and Angle are gonna turn on each other? With a babyface ref?  I call Nitro swerve on this next one. What was that about TNA being death bed WCW?

Brutus Magnus vs Eric Young

Boring heel offense. Then a ridiculous botch, draws a "you fucked up" chant. Rest hold! 4 minutes in! I'm ashamed to be British every second Brutus Magnus wrestles. Shitty Powerbomb, shitty splash misses. Eric Young then uses the power offense on the monster heel. Great way to get the monster over. He then has to try to cheat to beat Young. Monster heel. Has to cheat, to beat Eric Young. And fails. MONSTER HEAT! Young does the Ric Flair run on the apron. Young looks like Flair, compared to Brutus. They then hug for a while on the top rope. Brutus then has to hit his finisher, which, for the record still looks utterly shite, from the top rope, to put Eric Young away. Boy, what a monster heel. And a deeply lame worker.


Winner: Brutus Magnus

1 Panda rating. Atrocious. Deja Vu

Hype for One Night with ODB, a shitty Matt Morgan match, Knockouts title match, Ultimate X, Generic Samoan Samoa Joe vs Scott Steiner, Team 3D vs Beer Money and Kurt vs Sting with Jeff Jarrett as ref and Mick Foley enforcing.

Sheik Abdul Bashir comes out, and cuts a promo on his unfair treatment. Apparently Bashir's not booked due to being an obnoxious jerk, while the MEM are so heavily featured? So they only like white obnoxious jerks? Anyway, the Sheik Abdul Bashir "I get discriminated against" promo turns into an angle that proves him utterly right, as Cornette cruelly discriminates against him. Irony fail.

Angle gives a talk to the rest of the mafia. Booker confronts im, then leaves. Nash tells Kurt to calm down, then breaks fanfic writer's hearts by saying Sting's not in bed with Jarrett or Foley.

Hype for Morgan vs Abyss. So Abyss has a girlfriend now? Man, everyone gets more than me.

Promo for the X match, with all five men except Suicide talking about the match. Needless to say, Sabin and Shelley's promos are the real highlights of the video.

Match of 10,000 Tacks: Abyss vs Matt Morgan

So, do you reckon someone has to count the tacks? They have to hire someone with OCD, like Hannerlore in QC? Have I thought about this too much?

Sign of the apocalypse, as Don West says something sensible, pointing out how racist the Bashir angle was.

Brawling between Morgan and Abyss. Hands up if this surprises you. Point of the match is to throw your opponent into the tacks. Which are on a pole! Hi Russo! Abyss is sent outside, and crotches Morgan. Brawling on the outside, and Morgan hits an awful running leg thingy.  Morgan grabs some tacks from the pole, and pushes Abyss's face over it, kinda like you would with a dog that shat in your house. Which is what this match feels like. Abyss makes a comeback, and gs more tacks from the other pole. Morgan chairshots Abyss, and sets it int he corner, but Abyss kicks him in the balls and throws him into the chair. Black hole slam. Morgan jut walks casually away from the ring, and Morgan is blown up. What did he do that took so much work? Abyss chases him, and a running big boot sends Abyss into the bed of tacks.

Winner: Matt Morgan


Slight improvement on what we've seen. But that's not hard.

Booker T and Sharmell bitch about putting the Legends belt on the line. Cornette suggests that he ressurect Johnny Cochran if he wants out. Doesn't he remember when Booker was a voodoo priest?

Hype video for Angle vs Sting. Story seems to be whether Sting will leave the Mafia.

ODB comes out for the One Night With ODB angle. Shark Boy, Cody Deaner and some Banker are the Blind Date style contest.

Cody Deaner deserves a night with ODB, because he'll "finish fast."

Shark Boy will "be able to finish in half the time of Cody Deaner."

Banker "has money"

Dance-off. People seem to think this is 1PW.

Norman Smiley reference by JB. All the contestants do ricockulous dances. Banker is somehow not over. Shark Boy gets a big pop

Cody Deaner, the ridiculous hick wins. Shark boy looks sad. I call Shark Boy heel turn.

Beer Money promo. They're rude to Lauren. Wouldn't you try not to be mean to Abyss's girlfriend?

Hype video for Sojournor Bolt vs Awesome Kong. Who's Sojournor Bolt?

Awesome Kong (defending) vs Sojournor Bolt: TNA Knockouts Championship Match

Bolt runs around, and then jumps onto the turnbuckle with her breasts. I have no idea what she was going for. I have to lament Cheerleader Melissa and Jacqueline Moore being managers, and Kim not being in the company, while I have to watch a Sojourner Bolt match. There's a reason I've never heard of her: she sucks. Kong takes it with the bomb.

Winner: Awesome Kong


God, this show sucks.

Steiner vs Samoa Joe hype video.

Samoa Joe vs Scott Steiner

Joe starts out by oblitering Steiner with punches, and continues from there. Steiner busted open a minute in. "Fuck him up Joe! Fuck him up!" chant. I was dubious about the gimmick change, but it's got Joe monster heat again. Joe gets quickly DQ'd for utterly smashing Steiner to pieces, which he continues to do after the match.

Winner: Samoa Joe. Let's be honest here.


Joe as Monster again= AWESOME. End of.

Styles promo with Lauren, where he talks about taking Booker down, and how Team 3D need to back down and let the frontline fight their own battles now. Because it worked out so well for them.

Hype for Booker vs Styles. Where were those cops when Abyss killed his Dad? Or his Mom did. Or Sting did. Or whoever fucking shot Abyss's dad. 

AJ Styles vs Booker T (defending): TNA Legends Championship Match

Crowd hot for Styles. Basic start to the match, with Styles holding the advantage early on. Booker takes a walk out of the ring, tries to dodge a dive, but Styles lands on the apron and does a charge off the apron. Styles in control with a backbreaker, and Booker makes a return with a leg lariat, and then armlocks. Styles starts throwing clotheslines, and a wrist clutch belly to back suplex for two. Styles goes for the clash, gets dodged, Book End is avoided, but Booker superkicks Styles. Styles hits a springboard dropkick to get the momentum back. axe Kick is met with a Pele, and Styles scores a Clash for the three.

Winner and New Legends Champion: AJ Styles.


Holy Shit! The Frontline just won, clean in the middle of the ring! In a great match no less.

Joe acts like he just murdered Steiner while holding a bloody knife, which he threatens Lauren with. Uh, Abyss, this is the sort of thing you should stop happening to your girlfriend.

Hype for 3D vs Beer Money

Beer Money (Defending) vs Team 3D: TNA Tag Title Match, if Team 3D lose, they retire.

This could be very awesome. Roode starts with D-Von, outmanoeuvring  him. Ray and Storm in now. Ray and Storm do a little test of strength dance, and Ray scores a neckbreaker, before a Standing Death sentence on Roode by 3D. Breaks down into a brawl. D-Von=Ricky Morton now. Double suplex on D-Von Morton. Ray is a house on fire. Well, more like a street on fire. Gay moment between Roode and Storm, and Ray gets a uranage on Storm. Ray fights both off briefly, before eating a DDT and a frogsplash, but Bubba is used to eating things, so he isn't phased and kicks at two. Bubba Bomb on Roode, who gets out at two, Dudley Bomb on Roode, and Storm gives the weakest chairshot ever onto Team 3D for the DQ decision.

Ref then restarts match under Cornette's direction. No DQ match now. 3D on Storm for three, but ref has his legs pulled out. Beer Money flee, being given the belts by West, and 3D win by count.

Winners: Team 3D (By countout)


So they restarted the match just to go for a countout finish? What the fuck.

Sabin promo, and a Shelley promo. Awesome. Then the others promo, and it's less cool. No suicide talking though. We then see this exact same video we saw earlier.

Ultimate X Match for X-division Title: Suicide vs Alex Shelley (defending) vs Chris Sabin vs Consequences Creed vs "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal

It occur to anyone else that Suicide and Homicide could have an awesome match, seeing both men race to kill Suicide first?

MCMG double team everyone. Sabin watches Shelley as Shelley climbs, but Suicide stops them. "Fallen Angel" and "Suicide" duelling chants. Uh, guys? This is an X match, so there's no way I'm calling everything. Lots of quick moves  High spots include Suicide rolling firemans carrying Creed off the apron onto all other guys on the outside. 'Cide gets dropkicked off the wires from the top by Sabin. Sabin does a poetry in motion spear off Shelley's back, taking Creed off the wires.  4 Man Tower of Doom spot takes everyone but 'Cide out. Lethal scores a powerbomb off the turnbuckle. Springboard Tornado DDT by Sabin onto Lethal. Powerbomb/Shirunai combo onto Creed by the Guns.

Finish comes with everyone except for Shelley and  Suicide grabbing onto the wires, then Suicide dives onto the top, knocking them all down, so Suicide can grab the belt.


Winner: Suicide.

Awesome spot fest.

Sting promo, then a hype video.

 

Sting(defending) vs Kurt Angle: TNA World Championship match.

Both wrestlers get big silly hype videos. Tie up between Sting and Angle, and Sting starts overpowering Angle. Good fast match between the two, Angle starts hitting a series of suplexes and controlling Angle, before slapping a guillotine choke on. Double down, and Sting makes a dramatic comeback, scoring some lariats and a splash, before a series of suplexes. One shoulder powerbomb on Angle. Angle witches a Death-drop to an angle lock. Announcers make a huge deal out of Sting's size advantage. It's an inch and twenty pounds. That's all.  Angle slam for two. Moonsault for two. Everyone acts surprised, but when did you last see Angle win with the moonsault. Sting Death Drops Angle for two. For about the 50th time, we're told JJ is TNA founder. They seem legally required to say it every time they mention him. TNA founder Jeff Jarrett goes down, Sting puts Angle in the death lock, Angle taps, Sting tries to wake Jeff up, Angle low blows and scores the slam, gets two, Foley accidently chair shots Sting, Angle gets two, faces down Jarrett, spits in his face, is punched, Sting hits the Death drop for three.


Winner and still champ: Sting

Man, that was a dumb finish.

 

All in all, I give this a tentative thumbs up.

I've been abstaining the net, so I don't now what's on the main site, but it's probably all Awesome. go check it out.

 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).