Intrepid Internet explorer Neil Cathan here to intrepidly explore...something.
After a month's hiatus, (I bet no-one noticed), I'm back to be puzzled by TNA's booking. Again. Gonna go out on a limb, and
say that it'll be crappy booking and great wrestling.
Silly hype video! I love these things, they're better put together
than the shows themselves. There's logic to them. That automatically puts them a cut above TNA. And their video game's plot,
in which you are knocked out, and left for dead in Mexico, and the only thing you remember is being a TNA Wrestler. I guess
the crap stuff really does stick with you forever.
Angle and Borash talking with Tomko and King AJ there. King AJ is
talking about Karen, and Kurt gets angry. Tenay and West put over the show. They're hidden from the screen, so we can't see
DW reading from a script.
L.A.X vs Rock'N'Rave Infection vs Motorcity Machineguns. No.1 Contender
Right. Proper tag match, which means it'll be the best match on the show. Good start. MCMG might
be my favourite team in this, but considering the other two came out with hot chicks, I prefer their entrances. And for a
nominal fee on Amazon, you can see Shelley's entrance up close.
MCMG get big pop. Why wouldn't they? Sabin/Homicide
start us off. Quick armbar exchange, ends in belly to belly on Sabin. Roll through into dropkick, and Sabin tags Shelley.
Double team on Homicide, with series of dropkicks. Two count. Hoyt in, beating 'Cide down, before Hernandez enters. Suplex
held by Hernandez, Shelley stops the Rave interference. Superkick on Hoyt. Sabin is sent over top rope by Hernandez, and everyone
except him is out, which means Hernandez does his PPV dive. Rave gets the crap kicked out of him by everyone else except Hoyt.
Rave manages to take the guns out, but takes a cutter from Shelley. Forearms on Rave, but as Shelley goes running, Hoy takes
him out by grabbing the feet. Blind tag by Homicide, who suplexes Shelley, before passing him to Hernandez for a backbreaker.
2 count. Clothesline/Tope/Backbreaker double team. I want them to name that move. Typing it's a bitch. Hoyt plays air guitar.
And then gropes Shelley before giving him a fall away slam. Double team on MCMG by Hemme's herpes. Series of chops on Hoyt,
and Shelley charges in, but gets a boot. Sabin kicks Hoyt in the head as he makes the cover. Hoyt goes up for the moonsault,
misses, tags Rave in, but Shelley kicks him away and lands a jawbreaker. Hot tag stopped by Hoyt kicking Sabin off apron,
Hernandez tagged in, who demolishes Hemme's herpes. Crossbody block countered into fallaway slam into swinging sitout powerbomb.
Nice. Everyone hits their finishers spot, with Homicide diving onto everyone on outside, leaving Hernandez and Rave in the
ring. Bordertoss and 3 count.
I hate recapping MCMG matches first thing on the show.
I need time to warm up on recapping the show, and every time I look down to type, I've missed about 20 of their moves.
outside Cornette's office. Controversy about Hebner's decision. That's new. And I get to watch iMPACT replays. I'd be so pissed
if I paid for this shit. I'd be pissed about that even without the replays. Hype video tells me that Williams and Steiner
are friends. Look for that tag team to go if TNA gets a drugs policy.
Black Machismo vs Petey
Williams w/Raka Khan, X Division title match
Fuck you TNA! I need to warm up before doing the ludicrously
fast matches. Why couldn't Nash open up the show. Raka Khan looks unhappy. Considering the two men she associates with are
obvious 'roid users, it's not hard to tell why.
Armdrags by BM, with an armbar locked on. Crowd are torn and loud,
with duelling chants,. Both men roll around for a while, and Lehtal combination is avoided, before Williams went for Canadian
Destroyer, which Machismo ducks out of. Turns out he didn't want to piledrive himself yet. Bodyslam on Williams, and a sledge
from the top. Shots in the corner on Williams and a backflip hurracarana, Machismo and Williams brawl on the outside, but
Raka Khan stares him down, letting Williams recover. Spinning neckbreaker on Machismo, gets a two count. Victory roll, Williams
rolls outside, and springboards back in. Two count, followed by a jawbreaker. Suplex followed up by Recliner. Elbows let BM
fight out, but he gets sent to the outside, where Petey hits a rana on him from the ring. Back in the ring with a front face-lock.
Inverted atomic drop and running elbows gives Machismo the advantage. Machismo is hip tossed, but he turns it into a dropkick.
Wheelbarrow suplex on Williams. Don't see that one too often. Whip, but Williams hangs on the ropes, sets him on muddle rope
and dropkicks him. Float over side russian leg sweep. Williams elbows out of a Lethal combination, gets a sitout powerbomb,
and goes for the Destroyer, only for him to take a full nelson suplex. When did Lethal become such a suplex machine? Rollthrough
trades turned into sharpshooter. Lethal struggles to ropes, but Williams pulls him back. And then lets him go. Huh? Lethal
combination out of nowhere, Raka Khan distracts the ref while Lethal goes to the top, and Steiner pushes him off. Destroyer
on Lethal, and SoCal tells the ref about what happened. Raka Khan chases SoCal off, but Sonjay saves her. Lethal gets a roll
up to retain. From singlehandedly taking Team 3D out, to needing an assist and a lucky rollup to beat one guy. Booking that's
about as consistent as Scott Hall's appearances.
Winner and still X Division Champion: Jay Lethal
go over the card. Only match that gets a pop from crowd is Knockouts match.
Cristal backstage with Nash, Joe, and Cage.
Joe talks a lot. It's cool. Joe's one of the few reasons I keep on doing this. Cage talks some more, and it's also awesome.
He's another one of the reasons. Nash talks a bit, and says he won't be sitting the start out. That's a shame. I need to see
more of him now. Nash says that they won't see it coming. Well they will now you've said it on TV.
comes across as really awesome in the hype video for our match next. Eric is entertaining too. I just hope Rellik doesn't
hurt either of the two guys I actually like to see wrestle in this match.:
vs Eric Young/Frankie Kazarian
So, wait? Cage vs Angle in a cage, Booker T vs Angle, they're both TV matches,
but a midcard tag match is PPV stuff? Someone explain how that makes sense please?
Young looks terrified of coming
out to the ring. How'd Kaz go so quickly from beating Christian Cage in one of TNA's few clean finishes, to feuding with Rellik
and Reign? Rellik and Kaz start us off, as we are told again that Rellik is killer spelt backwards. Dragon whip and deep armdrag
followed with armbar. Reign is tagged in, and catches a dropkick. Young hesitates about getting the tag, but eventually gets
in. Crowd get loud for the guy, and starts taking it to Reign. Reign botches a flip, and is kicked in the balls for it. Beats
being told you fucked up as a punishment. Kaz is in, taking both heels out. Looks to get Young to join in, which gives the
heels the advantage. Chokeplex on Kaz, and Reign is tagged in. Running boot/neckbreaker combo. Kicks to the gut, and a full
nelson on the ground. Kaz refuses to be caught by the chokeplex a second time, flipping onto his feet. Young runs away as
Kaz tries to tag him in. Spinebuster on Kaz, gets two. Kick combo on Rellik, and this is a nice example of psychology making
a match. Kaz tags Young in, but Rellik sits up, making him flee. Rellik throws Kaz over the top rope, ad slingshot into really
crap facebuster combo. Kaz hits a stunner on Rellik and a DDT on Reign at the same time, and then doesn't go for the pin.
Superhero music plays, and Eric Young dressed as a super hero complete with mask comes out to take both heels out. Ducks a
Rellik clothesline, making Rellik hit Reign. Eric Young then samoan drops both heels for a three on Reign.
Frankie Kazarian and Super Eric
I was just thinking yesterday how much fun the Hurricane was. That's kinda cool.
Confrontation in Cornette's office. Cornette leaves, and everyone follows. Dudley Boyz confront him as he tries to
get away. Cornette eventually leaves, as lots of people talk at once. If it sounds entertaining, I've done a really bad job
of explaining it. It was basically some guy being told he's stupid by some other people, and walking away. Later on the PPV,
they'll show us paint drying at this rate.
Antidote to lamery! Knockouts match!
Kong vs Gail Kim vs ODB Knockouts title match
Your heroine and mine, Gail Kim makes her way out to
the ring to a huge pop. ODB makes her unique entrance, and is followed out by female Joe, Awesome Kong. Can't disagree with
the awesome part. Cheerleader Melissa reduced to a manager. Can't see the sense in that.
Kong swats the challengers
away, and hits a clothesline on both of them. Splash on Kim in the corner, and ODB hits a dropkick on Kong, and lifts Kong
across the ropes, with Kim hitting the double stomp across her head, sending kong to the outside. Kim bridges out of a pin
by ODB, and gets a neckbreaker on ODB. Kim splashes onto Kong, who catches her, only for ODB to make a big dive onto the two.
Kim and ODB back in the ring, and knees from Kim almost get her the advantage, but ODB catches her for a fall away. Kim spears
ODB, doing what most fans in attendance desperately want to do, and Kong is in. Kong overpowers Kim, and whips her into the
corner. Kim dodges, and hits some nice strikes followed by a double knee chestbreaker. Lots of padding though, so Kong isn't
too hurt. Chokebomb on ODB who's back in the ring. Odb and Kim throw shots at Kong. Both drink from ODB's flask, and hit a
double missile dropkick. Gail Kim's pin is broken by ODB, and vice versa. Kim takes ODB out, and goes for a crossbody on Kong.
IT DOESN'T WORK KIM. IT NEVER WORKS. Man, it's like trying to powerbomb Billy Kidman(Billy Manman in a few years) or catch
Owen Hart's foot (Currently haunting the Kemper arena with the rest of him) After every time you do that, you get caught,
you might learn. ODB trips Kong up, letting Kim get a two. Spinning backfist on ODB, and a wheelbarrow facebuster, before
a splash on Kim from the top has the pin broken by ODB. Implant buster on ODB, but Kong misses the splash. Thesz press from
turnbuckle gets 2. Melissa distracts ODB, letting Kong hit the Awesome Bomb.
Winner: Me, and the live fans, who
loved every moment of that match. Oh, Kong won too. The Knockouts division are the only ones booked to make me care, and they
back it all up in the ring.
Rhino promo. He seems apprehensive, the whole point is Rhino being all angry and scary.
He says “How was that?” in a normal voice at the end. Like Jericho and Ralphus on Nitro. I'd say it wasn't too
great, because there was no “GORE!GORE!GORE!”.
Cornette tells us that if 3D don't make tonight's weigh
in, they're out of TNA forever, and they never need to make weigh in again if they make it. Cornette gets the fans to decide
who gets the advantage in tonight's main, despite Angle winning the cage match. Fans say that Team Babyface get the advantage.
fight hype video.
Shark Boy/Curry Man vs Team 3D
Team 3D enter to mass apathy.
Curry Man gets a big pop, and I can only assume that the music is drowning the pop out, as the fans appear to be really hot
(spicy and great tasting), but I can't hear them. Shark Boy Steve Austin gets big pop. I presume. Music is far too loud. Bubba
cuts a promo but doesn't quite manage to make the crowd hate him like they used to be able to. D-Von makes weight, and so
does Bubba. Earl made the decision though, so expect it to be made to look like a fix. Devine gives them snack food. Curry
Man and Shark Boy sneak attack and take both of Team 3D out of the ring. 3D walk off, and our babyfaces make their way out
to beat 3D down. Ray sells fish more than he does most wrestling offense he gets. Fish>Bodyslams. As proven by TNA. Shark
Boy beating up D-Von, and Curry Man puts a snack on the end of a fishing rpod,dangling it in front of Ray, who goes for it.
Hilarity. For someone. Somewhere. Maybe. Bubba caught in fishing net (You should have seen the one that got away), but Bubba
throws Curry Man into fish table, while D-Von takes advantage from Shark Boy. Bubba starts throwing fish into the crowd, and
having them thrown back in. Takes a bite and spits it at commentators. Shark Boy saves Curry Man from going through table,
and Devine takes him out with Kendo stick shot. Crotch shot with fish on Curry Man, and Bubba starts kissing it. Nothing sells
PPVs like fat men who like bestiality. Zero buys. Fans want tables. Top rope moves from Team 3D both miss Curry Man. Shark
Boy gets a top rope clothesline on both, and is a house on fire. Which must be hard for a shark. D-Von fucks up, but isn't
kicked in the balls. That's one system ruined. Wazzup is stopped by Shark Boy, who helps Curry Man get the advantage again.
Curry Man with top rope plancha on D-Von Shark Boy with neckbreaker on Ray. Team 3D are in the corners, and are both given
facebusters in the middle, and both kick at 2. Stereo tornado DDTs from the corner on both of Team 3D. Ray sends Curry Man
over the top from mounted punches, and Shark Boy eats a Doomsday Device. Tastes like chicken. Curry Man ducks a garbage can
shot, Shark Boy stunners D-Von, throws powder brought in by Devine into Bubba's eyes, throws him through a table on the outside,
and the finish comes when D-Von is hit with a 3D. Sorta.
Winners:Shark Boy and Curry Man
a fight with some celebrity in front row. ECW security stop him.
Angle alliance argue about who has to start the match.
Dysfunctional stables are fun. Or something. Angle gets to come out last. JB tells AJ that Karen has a bombshell to drop.
But on iMPACT. You know, TNA it's all backwards. TV hould build to PV, not the other way around.
Hype video for Booker
T vs Robert Roode
Neil likes Tarcy's new outfit. They're both strapped together, and the woman in the winner's corner
gets to whip the other woman. And yeah, apparently Tracy is in Booker's corner, not Sharmell. Hell, can't blame anyone for
making that trade.
Booker T w/Tracy Brooks vs Robert Roode w/Payton Banks “Stand by your
When did Booker T become Tracy Brook's man? Where can I apply? I was trying to tune DW
out, but I'm sure he just said he stalked Payton Banks. I intend to listen to him even less in the future. Both men are strapped
together, and Roode immediately hides outside, only to be pulled back in and pretty much owned by Booker T. Back body drop
on Roode, and starts to choke him with the strap. Apparently every time he chokes Roode “he thinks about Sharmell”
How DW knows this, I'm not sure. I'm not sure I want to know. Generic brawling, and Roode has the advantage. Pin gets 2. Trading
shots, and Booker hits a clothesline, followed by a suplex. Elbow gives Roode a brief return, but Booker hits a Spinebuster.
Roode inconsiderately doesn't keep his head bent for the scissors kick, and has a suplex reversed into Book End attempt, where
the ref is bumped as Roode avoids. Clothesline taking both men out spot, Payton gets handcuffs out, Tracy tries to stop her,
but Roode gets the cuffs, and knocks Booker out with them, getting the 3 count. Lame and fail. Bad match thanks to the crappy
stip and booking. Booker tries to covince ref not to let Tracy get whipped by Payton. Tracy stands against the ropes, and
takes whips from Payton, while Roode stands outside shouting at her. Crowd are silent. Roode has Payton's ear, and Payton
continues after the ten have been given. Tracy grabs the strap, Roode rolls into the ring, and puts his hands around her throat,
pushing her down. Roode has the strap, and Payton opens the ropes for Roode, before he returns to whip Tracy. Sharmell returns,
whipping Roode, Payton and then the security and refs who try to stop her. Cornette tries to calm her down, and is whipped
by Sharmell. Sharmell sure does like her whipping. Now I get why Booker thinks of her every time he chokes someone with a
Winner: Fans of bondage
James Storm is backstage talking about Elevation X. This is stupid, on
so many levels. Primarily because after a big scare that Rhino may have broken his neck, he's being put on a scaffold. Way
to look after the talent, TNA.
The workers are talking about how scared they were that someone would get seriously
injured, and how it was a fucking miracle that no-one got hurt. What a great way to hype a match [/anger] Who am I kidding?
The anger never stops with TNA's booking.
Rhino vs James Storm Elevation X match
Storm is up on the scaffold. I just want no-one to get injured. So you guys get a break from my bad jokes. Storm brings liquid
courage up to the scaffold. Rhino makes his way to the ring, and climbs the scaffold. Rhino nearly falls just climbing there.
Storm starts to climb down. Rhino goes to the middle, and starts throwing beer cans down on Storm. Rhino climbs down. Huzzah.
Rhino chases Storm down, and starts brawling with him. Storm is hurled into the guardrail, and puts a table in the ring. And
another. Garbage can in the ring, and Storm hurled in. Storm thrown into trashcan. Rhino sets up a table, and Storm rakes
the eyes, sending Rhino back towards the tables, but he dodges. Trashcan shot on Rhino. Rhino set up on the table, and Rhino
goes for a superplex as Storm goes up. Storm fights out, but takes a belly-to-belly. Moore slaps Rhino, and escapes up the
scaffold. Rhino chases her, and Jacqueline is up on the top. Rhino also up top now, and Storm climbs up behind Rhino. Paced
and psychologied like a Dusty match. Rhino sees Storm. Storm on knees extends hand to Rhino, who doesn't fall for it. Feed
keeps cutting out. Might lose the feed sometime soon. Just a warning. Rhino throws some shots at Strom as both men are at
the middle. Rhino overbalances, and only just catches himself. Fans response goes from shocked silence to “We Want Wrestling”
Assholes. These guys have guts to do something like this. Only acceptable chant is “Please don't die!” Storm hides
inside scaffold, just like last year. And Rhino stares around dumbly, just like last year. Rhino takes a panel from above
Storm's head. Storm spits beer in Rhino's face. Rhino starts punching Storm, until he's hanging above the table in the ring.
Smart move, as Storm hits the table, which gives. Storm took the bump properly. Neck brace on Storm.
men for escaping injury. Stop booking this match, TNA
Hype video that explains the stips for the following match.
6 Man tag match: Angle Alliance (Kurt Angle only in match after first five minutes) vs Christian Cage/Kevin
Styles and Tomko are on their way out, and the babyfaces make their way out after. Joe gets
biggest pop. Duh.
Tag champs wait outside, and Joe and Nash take them out. AJ sent into ring, and Christian starts
firing shots off. Styles moonsaults, Cage dodges, but AJ manages to tag Tomko. Tomko manages to overpower Cage. Cage keeps
making come back, but Tomko keeps him out. Nash and Joe hold Tomko letting Cage take his shots. Styles comes in but Christian
spears him. Joe in, firing right hands and Tomko, back elbow, leg lariat and Nash is in. Bodyslam and a legdrop. Cage in,
Tomko powers him into the corner, where Styles comes back in. Jocking for position on the top, Styles gets a backdrop from
the top. Spiral tap on cage, but Nash chokeslams Styles. Running boot on Nash by Tomko, but Joe powerslams him. Countdown
comes near end, and Joe waits at the bottom of the ramp. Joe and Angle on the ramp brawling, and Joe gets some nasty knee
shots on Angle. Brawl continues in the ring, and Joe is thrown at the ropes. Joe dives onto Tomko. Kurt goes up to the top,
but Cage pushes him down, hitting the frog splash. Two count. Kurt Angle gets a belly to belly over the ropes on Christian.
Styles beating Christian down on the outside, brings Cage back in and applies a chinlock. Beautiful drop kick on Cage, and
Tomko is in. Tomko hoists Cage up to his feet, Cage fights back,taking both Styles and Angle off the apron and running into
a falcon's arrow for two by Tomko. Angle in, applies the angle lock. Joe tries to break it, but Tomko stops him. Angle goes
for the Angle slam on Christian, who ducks, AJ is in, Christian ducks AJ's charge, inverted DDTs Angle, and the double clothesline
spot between Christian and Styles. Nash is in, and takes out all the heels before Styles kicks his knee, which as we all know
is his kryptonite. That and young guys getting over. Tomko and Joe in, and Joe demolishes the heels. Running knee on Tomko,
flapjack on Styles, musclebuster attempt, Angle with the slam, avoided, Pele on Joe, Tomko with a Yakuza kick and Angle hits
the slam. Joe kicks out, Christian Unprettiers Angle, Nash throws Styles over the top and Joe locks the clutch on Tomko.
Joe,Cage and Nash
And that's the show. I had fun recapping most of it for you, and I hope you enjoyed reading it.
Until next time, try reading any of the other great stuff at this site, such as Anvil's return to the only thing as badly booked as TNA, as he somehow makes ECW entertaining,Cameron Burge time travels with RAW, and wishes he could stay there, Derek Burgan indexes the week in our wonderful sport of men pretending to fight, Anthony Dean continues to do a great job with Anvil's old post, Charley Martin gives us the hard sell to this event, in another great piece of writing,Sean reminds us of Bryan Adams's death. That's nice of him. And much more awesome stuff, there's just
to much to list.