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"I'm sorry, but I just can't be friends with someone who doesn't give Joe vs. Kobashi five stars."

By MisawaNOAH@gmail.com
Via The Internet


Dear BurningHammer619,

I'm glad I never knew your "real" name because that would make this email even harder to write. I was checking out your latest LiveJournal entry and noticed the detailed review on the ROH Joe vs. Kobashi DVD, specifically, the Joe vs. Kobashi match itself.

4 stars?!

How can you not give Joe vs. Kobashi five stars?! I've put aside your odd rating of matches in the past, such as the time you said you enjoyed Kobashi vs. Akiyama from NOAH Departure more than Misawa vs. Kobashi Budokan Triple Crown match. That was crazy enough, but this is just too much for me to handle. Our friendship, as we know it, is now over. 

Sure, we had some good times, such as trading downloaded clips of Joe vs. Kobashi from Samurai TV off of pwtorrents.net, but even though it was only several weeks ago, those days are long gone. Don't AIM, YIM, MSN Messenger or Google Talk me anymore. It's too painful. We'll need to split up which messageboards we can post at without running into each other. I was thinking you could take DVDR, A1wrestling and OLCalwayswins while I'll continue posting at F4Wonline, WrestlingClassics and The-W. I’m open to negotiation though as I don't want to come across as mean spirited.

I still can't believe it. 4 stars! Who do you think you are?! Do you need me to read off a list of names who gave this match the full five snowflakes? How about Dave Meltzer for one. Not good enough? Well does the name Bruce Mitchell mean anything to you? Do you realize both JSWO and gregh have commented negatively on your review over at the ROH message boards? You're playing with the big boys now mister. You were once my tag team partner in the Psychotic Wrestling eFed and we were tag team champions! This is like a knife in the back.

In your review you wrote, "Kobashi's match with Sasaki from 'DESTINY' was far superior due to the 200+ chop battle, more dramatic due to both men being so close in voting for Japanese MVP last year, and Kobashi doing one of his two yearly moonsaults." Yeah, that might be true, if you are in fact, mentally retarded. I also had to chuckle when reading, "As much as I enjoyed the match, I feel that Kobashi could have hit more lariats. Usually there are at least eight lariats in an average Kobashi match, and there was only one or two against Joe. That shows that Kobashi basically felt this was a night off." My God man, you're making a mockery of legitimate wrestling criticism!

Please return my bootleg "WCW Collision in Korea" DVD and my copy of Lou Thesz's "Hooker" ASAP. We will also no longer be sharing a room at Final Battle 2005. In fact, if we happen to run into each other at the ROH gimmick table, do not try and sneak a peak at what I have purchased. Don't ask me what the deal with Minoru Suzuki is, or why KENTA is in all caps. We need a clean break. We bonded together through our mutual love of Izzy in Special K, our hatred of Xavier, and our continued pondering of what the hell ever happened to Brian XL, but it is time to stop living in the past.

4 stars. You ignorant fuck. Do you understand workrate or are you the type of guy who thinks Two and a Half Men is funnier than Arrested Development? How can this be the same man who created that hilarious photoshop of Rob Feinstein at Chuck E. Cheese after reading the Perverted-Justice transcripts? I feel like I don't even know you anymore.

Do I have all the answers? No. As for trading my copies of Figure Four Weekly for your Wrestling Observers, I haven't figured out what to do yet. Maybe we can go through a third party who subs to the Torch and he can make copies for both of us. It will be hard, but we'll get through this.

Take care of yourself BurningHammer619, we'll always have Death Before Dishonor: Part Two: Night One.

 

Derek Burgan has been writing for the Wrestling Observer/Figure 4 Weekly~! family since October, 2005. He is also featured on WrestleCrap, The Wrestling Fan, and MySpace. If you have any questions, corrections, feedback, comments and ideas, he can be reached at: derek@gumgod.com

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).