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DEADFACE WALKING!: (05/24/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back, wrestling fans, to the column that narrowly escaped getting the boot from WWE last week despite it not being a person or employed by WWE, Deadface Walking! As always, I am Catherine Perez, and I am probably the only person who finds loads of amusement in watching Shawn Michaels sell a concussion. What can I say? Concussion angles are hilarious to me. Nope, no semi-humorous opening comment this week, let's just get started:

WWE CEO Linda McMahon, or Beep Bop Boop as she's known on her native planet, is scheduled to take a trip to China in an attempt to get WWE promoted over there as well as in South America. Hm. I was unaware that Joanie Laurer's body had its own cable reception. Why anyone would want to take a trip inside Joanie is beyond me. Oh, they mean China the country? Well, I suppose that makes much more sense, though I'm sure there has been a larger amount of people in Joanie than there have ever been in China. Hey, if Joe Merrick gets to use the single most offensive rating system ever for his
Judgment Day recap, I can joke around at Miss Laurer's expense.

With all this babbling about a supposed WWE Championship title controversy, I must say that I feel like my intelligence has been insulted once again. For those who forked over $40 for Judgment Day (you cretins), you saw that The Great Borefest Khali tapped out to an STF while his "massive size 18EEEE" (so says the always truthful WWE.com) foot wiggled under the ropes. Exactly what is so controversial about this? The man is ridiculously tall; his leg could have stretched out to Row F in any section of the audience! Then the footage was shown on Monday night, and it was clear to everyone with eyes that Khali's foot was barely under the rope to begin with. There's no controversy here; the only thing is that the dim bulbs over at WWE like to pull stupid shit out of their asses whenever they feel like it. "ZOMG LOOK, SEE HIS FOOT UNDER THE ROPES~?! I CALL SHENANIGANS!!!111" Oh yeah? Put Funaki in a title match with Cena, let him tap out to the STF with half his body hanging out of the ring and we'll see if there's any controversy going on the next day.

Snitsky will be whored out to all three WWE brands - Raw, Smackdown and Diet Smackdown (with lime?) - in order to be presented as what most news sites are calling "something special". Special? That'd better mean he's being presented as Eugene's brother. Anyway, the whoring will go on until, as I reported last week, he will remain on Raw to contend for John Cena's WWE Championship title. You readers already know my thoughts on Snitsky supposedly being a credible title contender, but just the fact that there's no escaping Snitsky's ugly mug now (I propose that all his matches are hereby contested under Blindfold Match rules) almost makes me cry. As if Cena/Khali isn't a bad enough feud, and with Shawn Michaels on the shelf, we're all going to have to look forward to Cena/Snitsky? DIRECT ME TO THE NEAREST TICKETMASTER LOCATION, LOLZ~!111

Since I mentioned Cena, I feel that this section should be dedicated to the latest news on his Superman title run. Cena has apparently surpassed Bret Hart as the 6th longest-reigning WWE Champion of all time. Just fucking wonderful; now his name will be forever etched into the annals of WWE history. The only people who have held Cena's belt longer than Cena himself are Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan, Pedro Morales, Bob Backlund and... Triple H (surprise, surprise) with his Reign of Doom. Actually, should Cena not lose the belt at all this year, he'll even surpass the Reign of Doom. It's not that I dislike long title reigns, I do, as long as they're played out right. What I hate are ridiculously long title reigns that are just handed to a guy because there aren't many other credible title contenders in the company. They would have never happened if the higher-ups at WWE weren't such assholes about not pushing a guy because he hasn't "paid his dues". A guy busts his ass in the indies for years and it finally pays off when he is signed to WWE, but suddenly he isn't even worthy of working his way up to title contendership. What the hell gives? I give up on trying to figure out where the logic is.

Now that most of us caught the premiere of Timbaland's new video for... I forget the name of the song... I'd like to make a few observations on it. First off, I'd like to thank Timbaland for using a very short song as his single. This 2+ minute visual catastro-fuck (™ Jon Stewart) was truly a sad spectacle. Obviously based on the artwork seen in Sin City, the video featured a few of WWE's least popular employees (you know it's true; most of you people at the shows barely cheer for these women) standing around, pillow-fighting in a wrestling ring, walking - you know, a typical day for a WWE Diva. Lovely to see Ashley Massaro doing just fine in a ring. I mean, sure, she's taken out and put on the shelf by Jillian Hall, and the first thing she does when she's feeling better isn't "exact revenge on Jillian", but rather "star in a video and prance around with pillows". If anything else, I'm sure Kelly Kelly was relieved to see that she didn't have to dance for the video. If I learned anything from the whole Timbaland-at-Raw experience, it's that the reason he always looks as tired as I do all the time is because he watches WWE.

As if it wasn't obvious before, there have been reports stating that Hulk Hogan is not interested in working for TNA. I'm assuming that Jeff Jarrett forgot to say the magic sentence: "We'll pay you $50,000 per appearance." Don't get mad, Hogan fans; I've got my sources. Hogan still appears to be on the outs with Vince McMahon. He also claims that he will never work for WWE again. This led me to believe that he's still bitter about the whole Brooke/Jillian thing. Not so, readers. Hogan's just mad that Vince can't afford to pay him like he's a dominant star anymore. Good God, Hogan needs to get over himself. He's old, he's orange, he jobbed to a couch, and the WWE audience couldn't care less if they never saw Hogan on WWE programs again. Times have changed, and so has Hogan's drawing power. Besides, it's all about Cena and how many yarmulkes he can sell now.

Shawn Michaels, this week's object of my un(?)dying amusement, is probably going to be back on WWE TV by the time Survivor Series rolls around. Damn it all to hell if they don't give that man a concussion-related gimmick to play out. Come on, it'll be hilarious. He could have some kind of short-term memory loss thing going on, and when his song hits - OH! OH! SHAWWWWN~! - the camera could follow him as he makes his way down to Gorilla position, then turn back around to grab a sandwich. You know you'd laugh as hard as I would. "Bah gawd, Keeng, where the hell is Michaels going?!" Anyway, Michaels has obviously been removed from all summer events, and due to that, we're going to suffer through the aforementioned Cena/Khali feud. Can we at least get a monthly HBK report, where we'd watch Shawn try to recover from his CAREER-ENDING~! injury? No? Pfft, and I'm sure if I requested a weekly Triple H injury report, it'd air the very next week. Bathturds.

Speaking of turds, The Condemned has done nothing short of bomb horribly at the box office. If there were a 23rd place at the box office, that would be The Condemned's place. The film only drew $100,000 last weekend, which is down 66.8% (thank God the math was already done by the dudes at the Pro Wrestling Insider), and drew $7,317,000 overall. I think I read something about WWE only releasing straight-to-DVD films from now on, and I can't say that I disagree with their decision; it's a sad day when Cena draws more than Steve fucking Austin as far as films go.

Rob Van Dam is expected to join TNA. Says who? Says the entire TNA locker room, but that's just what they think. They're keeping talks of Van Dam's probable arrival to a minimum, since TNA wants to shock the wrestling world like they did with Kurt Angle's signing. Good luck, guys; just about everyone's expecting it by now. The countdown to the arrival of Rob Van-- uh, Robbie V(?), IS ON!

And now... the least important news bit of the week! Mark Henry, the world's biggest danger to himself and others, has lost something like 25 pounds since being called back from Ohio Valley Wrestling. Who gives a rat's ass? That's like announcing that a serial rapist won't be targeting women older than 35 anymore - the rapist is still humping unwilling victims, and Henry's still swallowing everyone in the Cruiserweight division. Besides, it seems that Mark is perfectly fine at his size, so says his brand new t-shirt:



That does it for this week's sub-par edition of Deadface Walking. As you can tell, it's not my greatest edition, but that can be blamed on the lack of interesting news as of late. I've been thinking of adding another section to this column to actually keep you readers from falling asleep at your keyboards. If you have any suggestions, or just some general questions or comments, e-mail me or hit me up on teh MySpAcE~!!!111. I'll leave you guys with a picture that my friend, Katy, has been urging me to put up. Don't bother to understand it; it's an inside joke. Okay, it's supposed to be Lilian Garcia's toe - as a German military freak... or something. Har har. In closing, I'm Catherine Perez, and... God, I need some sleep.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).