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DEADFACE WALKING!: (05/17/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Well, that's all for this week's... wait... what? Time for a new edition already?! This is like Groundhog Day sans suicide mission. Welcome back to Deadface Walking, the column that continues to bring you obscure Bill Murray film references for no one's amusement but my own. I am Catherine Perez, the lady who can't seem to get a simple MySpace link to work. Allow me to make up for the last three weeks of dead links: ...MYSPACE~!!!!111. Fuck Tom sideways and call him Tina if that shit doesn't work this week either. Who would've thought that shameless plugging would be so hard to do around here?

Let's start off with a topic that leaves a fuzzy warmness in all our hearts... FIRINGS! On TNA's side of the fence, The Naturals - Chase Stevens and Andy Douglas - got the boot. Somewhere in Florida, Shane Douglas is relieved. The Naturals swear it was a mutual agreement, seeing as there was nothing to do in TNA. Wonderful. On the Double Double Eeh side of things, "Too Cold Scorpio" Charles Scaggs and Rob "I Should Have Accepted Pat Patterson's Dinner Request" Conway were given their walking papers. I feel bad for Conway; the guy takes a FLAG POLE TO THE ASS at the hands of Ultimate Batistarrior in '05, an unfamiliar feeling I'm sure, and that's the thanks he gets? Damn you, WWE! Also, literally half an hour after I typed this paragraph, WWE.com announces the release of everyone's favorite Diva, Vito. With speculation of Vito actually being put to use in the ECW brand as Little Guido's tag team partner, it was the only logical thing for the company to do. Hours later, when I think to myself, "Hey~! Can this paragraph possibly get any longer?", Sabu literally triple-jump moonsaults himself into the unemployment line, which, I hear, is the first stop on the road to Slammiversary. Sabu got himself the pink slip for showing up late to the ECW tapings without his ring gear. He was scheduled to job to Kevin Thorn, but Little Guido/Nunzio/Hey, Are You Still Employed? got that exciting opportunity. How rude... of WWE for not taping the show earlier and giving him another pair of Daivari's pants. I'm sorry, that was totally biased of me, though I feel it's completely reasonable because, well... ECW sucks.

While we're on the subject of ECW, Rob Van Dam botched his entrance at the tapings and had to repeat it for the cameras. According to Gerweck.net, this was said to have killed the crowd (more than any Ashley match will, though they fail to mention this). I would assume that Van Dam walked out onto the stage, tripped over something (perhaps Sabu's pink slip), began to tumble down the ramp, slammed into the steel steps, flew upward, and killed everyone in attendance with the Rolling Thunder. According to Gersh's ECW rant, I'm wrong, but that'd be one hell of a visual to behold. Now, since this is a paragraph on everyone's favorite high-flyer (get it? High? Been done to death? Okay...), let us review his reasons for leaving WWE. We are being led to believe that the personal animosity between Van Dam and John Laurinaitis (more on him later) wasn't the determining factor for Van Dam's departure. LIES! What "really" attributed for all of this was the fact that RVD is financially set, he enjoys being home, and the WWE road schedule sucks. I like the personal animosity story better. There's also the fact that Van Dam is upset about the presentation of ECW upon its return and how he was misled into thinking it'd be the same old ECW. Aren't we all... Oh, and then there's the whole being made an example of for that whole drug possession arrest. RVD didn't like that too much, since he isn't the only wrestler in WWE that uses recreational drugs, and was only treated the way he was because he was caught. I've got to disagree there. Rob Van Dam was treated unfairly because he got caught and he's pretty much not a main-eventer. Randy Orton got caught practically red-handed with eight different kinds of steroids, a far worse offense than being caught with a little weed, and I wouldn't go so far as to say he's doing any worse on Raw than he was before he was caught. Well, you'll know who it is when an instrumental version of One Of A Kind plays in the iMPACT! Zone.

Ozzy Osbourne will be performing at tomorrow's Smackdown. When asked, "Ozzy... why the hell are you performing for an audience full of children?", Osbourne replied, "Mmph mrph mmm fucking mrph mmmph shit on my mmph... SHARON~!" Ozzy then began to cry, and I can't blame him. If things go smoothly (by smoothly I mean my way), Ozzy will finish the segment by biting Batista's head off. Ah, I kid... and I say I kid to avoid another lawsuit threat.

I tell ya, if the situation between WWE and Deep South was a soap opera, the following news would be the episode where there's a new love interest that the last love interest is jealous of. As it turns out (at least the way I see it), WWE pretty much dumped Deep South Wrestling for a new developmental territory headed by Steve Keirn called Florida Championship Wrestling:

WWE: Deep South, baby... there's something I need to tell you...
DSW: What is it, Dub?
WWE: I... I'm leaving you. You see, there's... someone else.
FCW: DUBBY, BABY, I'M HOOOOME! ...too soon?

ZOMG, FCW'S SUCH A SLUT~! DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU, DSW, YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR WWE ANYWAY! Cue the music! "Turrrrn arooooouuund..."

Stephanie McMahon has been promoted to Executive Vice President of Talent and Creative. Wait. Didn't I report this last month?! Did Stephanie seriously gain herself two promotions within a month? How undeserving... Oh, but Steph's not the only one getting undeserved promotions. The man responsible for our eternal suffering (that being Kelly Kelly... and/or Mike Mizanin), John"ny Ace" Laurinaitis, has been promoted to Senior Vice President of Talent Relations. What does that mean? It means that Johnny is now Stephanie's bitch. I'd say congratulations, but... Christ, what a shitty job. That's about as shitty as being a "talent" scout for the Slut Hunt Diva Search. "Wow! You can grind yourself onto a chocolate-covered chair? IMPRESSIVE!"

Spike TV have let TNA know that they don't exactly enjoy the angles involving men beating women up. Screw them; I love it! I doubt some random moron's going to see Jeff Jarrett smash his guitar into Traci Brooks's head and reenact it on his loving mother/girlfriend/wife/all of the above. It's not like any guy ran out to the nearest cemetery to rob a grave and hump the holy hell (that's HHH for those of you who didn't get the unintentional pun) out of a corpse when WWE made us suffer through the necrophilia angle. I would hope that no woman on earth has ever tried to recreate giving birth to a hand. My belief is that Spike TV just want to take their anger out on TNA because they need someone to blame for hiring Bill Goldberg for a car show without first witnessing the shitfest that was Automaniac.

Speaking of questionable female angles and the like, Vince McMahon has decided by now that "classy" isn't the way to go when it comes to his Divas. The proverbial devil in his ear this time around was Kevin Dunn, who protested against having his masturbation motivation watered down by saying class would kill the Diva Search competition. I'm sure many of you, like me, fail to see what's so bad about that.

Apparently, head Smackdown writer Michael Hayes isn't as smart as I thought he was. Hayes doesn't think Chris Benoit should be a main event performer because of Benoit's lack of promo cutting skills. Of course, it's okay to have Bobby Lashley ("...and you're a bathturd."), Great Khali ("BLARRRRGH~!"), Umaga ("BOO! BOO! BALOOOOO!"), Batista ("...KICK. YOUR. ASS."), and Mark Henry ("[Whatever injuries sound like]") in the main event. They're big and muscular (or just big in Umaga's and Henry's cases), which, I guess, automatically exempts them from needing any promo cutting skills. It's not like Benoit is extraordinarily bad at cutting promos. Remember those promos where he'd try to do something in less time than it took to make Orlando Jordan tap out? I'm chuckling right friggin' now; doesn't that count for anything? No? Oh well.

Want to feel like you're so close to the in-ring action that you can TASTE the Superstars' pores... or something? WELL, NOW YOU CAN~! WWE is going high def in 2008! That's right, now YOU can see every cut, slice, gash and bacne scar on your favorite superstars! Now aren't you glad you can't afford an HD television? I know I am. I feel that HD will ruin the experience of pro-wrestling, though not because we'll hear wrestlers calling spots or we'll see that the oh-so-perfect divas aren't so good-looking. When we start to experience awesome upgrades in HD technology in the future, they might add an x-ray vision feature that will ruin our eyes forever. Here's a visual example of what I mean:


Say NO to pro-wrestling in high definition, kids; you'll thank me later.

Triple H is having that uncontrollable urge to turn heel once again when he returns from healing his injury. I know, I'm surprised too. After all, H said he wouldn't mind being a face for the rest of his career. At least that's what I remember reading. I definitely don't mind though; I prefer H as a heel, and as long as it won't bring about Triple H/Shawn Michaels feud #3,057,887,405, I'm all for it.

This was going to be my least important news bit of the week, but the contents of it are so unfathomable that I may just hijack this column to rant. There have been Snitsky promos airing on Raw lately, and the reason behind that is Snitsky may be returning to Raw... to challenge John Cena for the WWE Championship belt. Please, take a second to reread that. Fucking SNITSKY, who hasn't done shit else but squash matches during his ECW stay, is suddenly a credible title contender? Snitsky? Baby-killer Snitsky? SNITSKY! His very name is one count against him. "...and the newwww WWE Champion... SSSSUH-NITS-KEEEEEEE!" I can go on for days naming people who would be more credible as title contenders, but to save time, I'll name about ten or so:

1. Shawn Michaels
2. Chris Benoit
3. Scotty Too Hotty
4. Everyone currently occupying the WWE locker rooms
5. Me
6. You
7. A wooden plank
8. David Arquette
9. ShockMaster
10. Dave Scherer

The very thought of Snitsky as WWE Champion actually brings me physical pain, so much pain in fact that, if Snitsky would ever go so far as to become Intercontinental Champion, my arms and legs would detach themselves from my body and beat me within an inch of my life. Dear God.

And now some news for you MMA fans out there: Despite Andrei Arlovski's 4/21 victory, UFC president Dana White found his fight to be boring. Due to White's boredom, Arlovski will not be next in line for a title shot. At first I wondered, "What the hell kind of crap is that? What a prick!" Now that I really think of it, that's a pretty good reason to not grant a guy a title shot. I don't watch UFC, so I wouldn't know if Arlovski constantly bores the shit out of the crowd and Dana White or not, but I would certainly hate it if title opportunities were constantly handed to the most boring guys in a company (hello there, Great Khali!). Of course, part of me still believes that this was a prick-like move on Mr. White's part. What if it was the other guy who was boring? Why should title shots be granted based on whether White is bored or not? WHAT ABOUT THE CROWD? Why doesn't the crowd speak up on this matter? That sounds like a job for PetitionOnline.com!

My actual least important news bit of the week also comes from the world of mixed martial arts. An MMA film is currently in the works, and in the starring role is... TIM ALLEN! What? "Santa Clause" Tim Allen? Sure, 'cause when I think mixed martial arts, I think Tim Allen. What the hell, was Chuck Norris not available? I'm sure even Bruce Willis could've been a more believable MMA fighter; didn't he play a washed-up boxer in Pulp Fiction? Christ...

That's all for this week's Deadface Walking. I leave you now with a Photoshop graphic I never got to use. I'm Catherine Perez, and remember: Daddy drinks because you breathe.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).