Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum
 
DEADFACE WALKING!:
(04/02/10)
By Catherine Perez
 
Welcome back to Deadface Walking! What? It's 2010? Hrm... shit. Well, HAPPY NEW YEAAAARRR!!! What's that? IT'S APRIL?! Heh... well isn't that some egg on my face... I'm sure you must not be wondering where I disappeared to after my super-long Wrestlemania 25 column last year. Well, you see, after I had sent that column in, there was this bright light pouring into my room , and before I knew it, I was on an alien spacecraft and --- Ah, forget it. Let's chalk it up to everything between being busy with college and procrastination, and dive into the first Deadface of the year~! Be warned that I'm pretty behind on wrestling news that I wanted to talk about, though. I couldn't pass some of it up for my first update of the year! Next column should be a lot more recent.

So let's start by going over the major happenings that I've missed during my absence. First is the the hostile Hoganese takeover at TNA that's upset many a TNA fan. Let's see if I remember everything that's gone down since January: Their live show on January 4th got them their biggest audience ever thanks to Crash TV-like booking and a bunch of surprise appearances from everyone from Scott Hall to Orlando Jordan to the fucking Nasty Boys. They got rid of the six-sided ring (much to the chagrin of the live crowd). TNA revealed a complete lack of understanding of the term "shareholder". Some of the fans turned their backs, literally, on Not Exactly Val Venis, which is totally fine because the guy ended up leaving the company altogether. A.J. Styles has morphed into Ric Flair (and I'm sure Flair's already told him, "A.J., you're the son I always wanted. David? Who's that?"). Abyss has become Green Lantern, and Hogan's WWE Hall of Fame ring seems to mean more now than the TNA World Championship. BUH? Awesome Kong is gone several weeks after showing exactly why she's Awesome by knocking the taste out of Bubba the Love Sponge's mouth. I love you, Kong. Also, speaking of knocked out, the Knockouts Division has been falling by the wayside in terms of airtime and overall importance, which is my biggest gripe with this entire Hogan/Bischoff regime. But at least Daffney's finally getting on TV more often! Where the hell are Raven and Stevie, by the way? Oh, and Impact moved to Monday nights with the promise that they'd be "taking over"! Also, the LONG-AWAITED IN-RING RETURNS of Hogan and Flair had fans tuning out of Impact in droves, garnering the lowest quarter-hour rating of the 3/8 show (a 0.76). Did I miss anything? OH YEAH. Mick Foley knocked the shit out of Bubba the Love Sponge on TV, much to the delight of anyone and everyone watching. Except maybe Bubba's mom. So, yeah, a lot's been going on, and it's all supposed to be part of ushering in THE FUTURE OF TNA~! Their new slogan can be "TNA: We found a way to relive the future." Get that shit recorded, TNA! Everyone's gotta earn their spot in TNA, brother, and that includes James Earl Jones Sound-Alike Announcer Guy!

Over on WWE's side of the fence, we've had the kind of underwhelming yet still pretty freakin' awesome return of Bret "The Hitman" Hart! We've had it all in Bret's crusade against Vince McMahon that I guess is now over: the destruction of company property as Bret's ass hit the floor faster than a bank teller during a robbery (which was scary to watch, I'll admit!), a contract signing that ended with some awesome camera work as Vince turned to face Bret and got pimp slapped by the furious stench of Bret's sweaty leg cast ("It was healed, Vince! It was healed all along!"), and my FAVORITE part of this feud, which took place before Vince got beaten up by medical equipment for the millionth time in his career, saw some blonde chick who parked in the WWE parking lot for no reason backing into Unfrozen Caveman Wrestler's (™ me) leg as it was awkwardly hanging out of his limo's entrance for like 5 whole seconds. I mean, JEEZ, Bret; this whole thing could've been avoided if you hadn't crawled into the car like a fucking 5-year-old! Then he was taken to a hospital medical facility. BUT IT ALL TURNED OUT TO BE A TRICK, YOU SEE. Oh, that Bret~!

          The greatest part was when John Cena, Bret's new best buddy in this crazy, new world of sports entertainment, seemed to push the car away from Bret WITH ONE HAND! It's like he's some sort of Man; a Man of a Super variety! Or perhaps he's a brooding vampire who sparkles under the arena lights and saves damsels (man-sels?) in distress from cars that come speeding towards them. I know what you are, Johnward. The following week, Bret was going to bid the sports entertainment world adieu, only he didn't, which meant he deprived us of the following promo: "Ladies and gentlemen of the WWE Universe, I'm just a wrestler. I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of your producers. Your world frightens and confuses me!" With all that said, Bret himself commented that he at least had fun with this storyline, and what more can you ask from him? When we look back at this feud and all its insanity, I'll be among the first to say, "Thank you, Breh-het~!"

The third major happening is the re-death of the brand that was less a brand and more WWE's equivalent to a brain-dead vegetable, ECW! The last show ended with, literally, the shortest championship reign I've ever seen in my life when Ezekiel Jackson -- whose head resembles... I don't know... chocolate covered Ball Park franks? A Pug and a Sharpei sleeping together? Abdullah the Butcher's ass? -- pinned Christian to become the EC-Dub Champ. A giant hoss with a head like putty very briefly celebrating his win of the major title of a once beloved company is the final, iconic image Vince wanted ingrained in the minds of ECW fans, because... well, I don't know. I also don't care, because Zeke moved to Smackdown without the damn belt, and in ECW's place now is NXT, a show featuring wrestling with reality show elements. And video packages. Lots and lots of video packages.

          Everyone thought this was going to be some kind of demonic mish-mash of Tough Enough, Pros vs. Joes, and UFC's The Ultimate Fighter straight out of Satan's asshole, but the pro/rookie dynamic has been pretty good. I'll be honest; I liked the premiere episode of NXT a lot more than most of ECW's run on Sci-Fi/Syfy. It's already given us such glorious things like John Cena running around in blackface and calling himself Darren Young, and the world's best buff Harland Williams look-alike (why am I the only one who sees this?!) in Wade Barrett! This show can't possibly fail! That is, unless Daniel Bryan racks up a 0-25 win/loss record in the next few months. At least he's been in some pretty good matches with tougher-looking opponents than what the other guys have faced, which doesn't matter when Heath Slater's faced Carlito, right Michael Cole?

Okay, so I think I'm pretty caught up on current events. Let's move on.
BR> According to a thread on the Wrestlecrap Forums that I read a few days ago, after bragging on the radio about the fat royalty check he got from WWE last quarter for his book, "Controversy Creates Cash", it looks like Eric Bischoff won't get to enjoy much more of their money. WWEShop.com has answered to Bischoff's boasting by clearing stock on the book, slashing the price from $15.48 (already reduced from the list price of $26) to $1.98. Yes, one dollar and ninety-eight cents. Of course, if WWE sells another thousand copies during this quarter, that's just about enough money to pay for my next college semester. Help a girl out, Bisch~! If you do, I'll release my own book: "Begging Begets Bucks". Should be a best-seller in no time, I think.

This week on Impact, viewers and audience members alike were treated to a sight so horrifying, so bizarre, that it's not surprising that news sites are reporting that the only two people who enjoyed it were Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo. Orlando Jordan, former JBL lackey, descended from the rafters and into the ring, wrapped in police tape that read "CROSS THE LINE". But, Orlando, how am I to trust you with fully crossing the line when your bisexuality calls for teetering over both sides of it? Anyway, so OJ crawled around the ramp for a bit before walking onto a set, sitting down between some guy and some girl, and making pretty funny "sexy" faces. Tazz and Mike Tenay continously asked "Who is that?" despite the fact that the Hogantron and all the little TVs around the Impact Zone were flashing OJ's name. I know we shouldn't expect much more intelligence from a couple of guys who never thought to call the police to report Samoa Joe's disappearance, but come on.

          One thing I do want to get across here is that I reaaaaaally don't give a shit about ANYONE'S sexual orientation, much less Orlando Jordan's, and the fact that he wants us to define him by his bisexuality because he's a black hole of charisma makes him look like a total attention whore. I mean, really. Is this going to be like that South Park episode where the kids were put off by Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave's sexual acts in the classroom and thus labeled as intolerant and thrown into Tolerance Camp? Is OJ going to continue doing stupid shit like this while we clap our hands together and call him courageous? If so, count me out, because he can be an octosexual for all I care, and I still wouldn't find him entertaining.

By the way, naked pictures of Orlando have surfaced online. I know you're all scrambling to Google for those shots now!

As I mentioned before, Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo seemed to be the only ones in TNA who enjoyed Orlando Jordan's segment. The reaction to the segment, which was supposedly met with chants of "This is creepy!" (I wouldn't know, I've only seen TNA's YouTube clip of this), was mostly negative amongst the TNA wrestlers. Ric Flair seemed to be the biggest detractor of the segment, working himself into a frenzy at a bar the night of that Impact taping after having some drinks. He complained about the way OJ's male companion was dancing, adding that he doesn't belong in the locker room, then stomped over to the guy and "cut a Ric Flair promo on him," as one wrestler put it. He called the guy an "embarrassment" and demanded that he "sit the fuck down." OJ's boyfriend or whatever he is was visibly shaken by Flair's tirade to the point where he left the bar, and if it was anything like the tantrums Flair's thrown on TV towards Abyss, I sympathize with the guy. That shit is scary.

You know, I never thought I'd see the day that TNA news far outweighed WWE news in my column. Dixie can totally brag about this on her Twitter.

Hot Tub Time Machine star Clark Duke (the creepy, bespectacled one) told George Lopez on Lopez Tonight that he was surprised and a little hurt that he and co-star Rob Corddry were being booed by fans this week on Raw. Man, I wonder why the fans would boo them? Could it have been Duke's awkward, shy demeanor and ability to speak with all the enthusiasm of a corpse? I mean, good GAWD. That guy almost made me long for the return of Jeremy Piven and the insufferable Ken Jeong, so I'm glad he and Corddry were hardly on TV. By the way, how shameless are the Bellas supposed to be when they'll even strip down to their bikinis and hop into a hot tub with ROB FUCKING CORDDRY? They'd probably rub themselves all over Pauly Shore if he ever hosted (please don't contact Pauly Shore, WWE).

It looks like Vince McMahon's "Mr. McMahon" character is dead. QUICK, TRIPLE H, NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO SEIZE CONTROL OF THE WWE~! Seeing as the evil character was spawned from the aftermath of the Montreal Screwjob in '97, he saw it fitting that the character be put to rest after a royal beatdown from Bret and several other members of the Hart family. Strangely enough, Vince also saw this beatdown as a way to not only end the character, but to blow all the heel heat off him and help him eventually turn face. Wait, how exactly does that work? Nobody was going to boo Bret finally getting his revenge on Vince after thirteen years! If the fans didn't get behind Vince after giving away millions of dollars, having some of the Raw set come cascading down like a stack of Jenga blocks on him, and calling for the fans' sympathy as he pathetically called out for Paul, then he's going to have to try a little bit harder. Then again, he always gets cheers after he comes back from taking time off. Meh, we'll see what happens with that. I hope this doesn't mean the end of the Power Walk, though. Of course, I won't mind one bit about that if he just randomly walks out onto the stage halfway through an episode of Raw and reenacts his Stand Back performance, then heads to the back again like absolutely nothing happened. Yeah, that'd be great.

This week's least interesting news bit... well, it's a tie~! Yes, first up is The Great Khali's announcement that he will be taking some time off and heading back to India. Uh... okay? Sometimes I wonder if his fans in Punjab
still huddle around their one shitty, old TV to watch him (and then be sorely disappointed that he hadn't been booked for the millionth time) on Smackdown. I also wonder if he'll return to that police station he was suspended from for not showing up to work for a loooong time. He'll probably get chewed out by the police chief from Last Action Hero; the one with the smoke pouring out of his ears. The second bit of uninteresting news goes to NXT Rookie Skip "Hurr Durr" Sheffield, who told members of the NXT Universe Remote Island that he's been suffering from food poisoning this past week, upchucking three times. He blames his illness on Burger King, but I'm going to blame all that fucking corn he's supposedly been fed.

And there it is! My first update of 2010 (dear God). And to make up for such a long absence, here's a few photoshops I've done in the past few months, completely context free because I like to confuse people!








And something random for you Conan O'Brien fans...



Make sure to leave feedback using the e-mail address below, or at any of my secret hideaways over at MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter! Also make sure to check out the MAIN PAGE for the rest of TWF's esteemed Staffers' updates. On that note, I shall take my leave. See you next week! I promise. No, really! SERIOUSLY.

Catherine's note from December 2010: Okay, so I lied. Well, not completely (2010 was a year of behind-the-scenes work for me here at TWF). But, man, you should see what TWF's got cookin' for 2011!
 

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).