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DEADFACE WALKING!: (03/08/09)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Yep, it's that time again~! Welcome back to Deadface Walking, your ultimate source for wrestling news and sorrowful laments over the alleged bastardization of Deadpool in that new Wolverine flick (at least until my shock and horror finally wears off). I mean, what the fuck, FOX? What the fuck? Anyway, I'm Catherine, your esteemed hostess. We're less than a month away from WrestleMania, which can only mean one thing: I'm still not prepared for my first plane ride, and I might just scream my ass off during take-off~! Someone get to work on a damn teleportation device already!

I normally don't like to give publicity to assholes who piss me off, but this really got me irritated. I'd like to give out a HUGE "FUCK YOU" to everyone who's taken part in the Official Nintendo Magazine Forum's blatant rip-off of TWF's Fanny Awards in the past three years and stole not only our categories and nominees, but also the fucking photoshops that Sean and I have slaved over. I'm aware that tons of people steal our shit, but to steal about 60+ pictures, use them in a bastardized version of our year-end awards, AND pass it off as original without doing so much as to give us credit makes my skin crawl. Fuck those guys, balls deep, right up to their chest cavities with ye olde dildo with a hand crank. I feel much better now.

A first draft script for the last installment of Monday Night Raw in Boston, MA was leaked onto the internet somehow. The script includes a few funny tidbits, such as the use of the phrase "Animated Open/Pyro/Ballyhoo" and the statement "You are watching the longest running episodic television show in history" on all ten fucking pages. It's no wonder that idiot Michael Cole says it ten times a night! Actually, I love that it says that on top of each page. It's like some self-help freak on the creative team tends to add little Daily Affirmation-like nuggets on the pages to boost morale. "You are watching the longest running episodic television show in history... and that's... OKAY." Also, apparently the script spoiled JBL's WrestleMania plans, which I won't talk about here because I don't like yapping about spoilers. Of course, if you'd like to see the script for yourself, check it out HERE.

Bobby Lashley will be fighting Ken Shamrock in an MMA bout on March 23rd in Pensacola, Florida. I'll go ahead and predict that Shamrock (27-13-2) is going to earn his 14th loss when he collapses from laughter upon the arrival of Lashley (1-0) and his hilariously precocious, 3-year-old toddler face. And, hell, nevermind Shamrock! I want to see Lashley take on Brock Lesnar. We'll FINALLY get BROCK vs. CHOC, and then all will be well in the world, kind of. Then they'll shake hands and form the BROCK AND CHOC CONNECTION. Holy shit, what a novel idea! BOOK IT, MMA guys!

There's a report going around talking about how the WWE has supposedly soured on Vladimir Kozlov. I'll believe it when his push is majorly derailed in the next few weeks. Which is probably not any time soon if Vince loves the guy as much as I think he does. He's big! He's muscular! He's foreign! Like the Australians say, he's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle! If that's not a recipe for success back in fucking 1987, I don't know what is~! As far as I know, Vince loves Kozlov enough to give him a televised win over The Undertaker, so Kozlov would have to have done something terrible to get everyone to suddenly sour on him... like maybe lack any kind of personality whatsoever while putting crowds off with his unintelligible banter and wearing tighty whiteys. Heeey, wait a minute~!

Worms all over the world can now rest easy! The Boogeyman is officially gone from the WWE! This guy lasted MUCH longer than I thought he would with that lame gimmick. What shit, too; dude was in the company since 2005 and not ONCE did he attack an unsuspecting child in the crowd! All it would've taken was a simple BLEEGLE-BLAGGLE or an OOGA BOOGA and the kid would've erupted into a teary, fear-stricken fit. It could've been gold kind of! Nope, too late now! But apparently Boogeyman owns the gimmick, so I'm sure we'll unfortunately see the return of the Boogeyman over in TNA. Speaking of which~!

What the hell is this mess with Don West turning heel? While West's blow-up was just about the most hilarious moment in TNA history, exactly where is it supposed to go? The hilarity was in top form, for sure - everything from West's incredibly hesitant delivery of the "Mike, while you're in ass-kissing mode..." line to that fantastic, just-sucked-a-lemon, puckered anus, deer-in-headlights look on Tenay's face when he glanced at the camera at the end of the segment had me on the floor with laughter. All we got this week, however, was West kissing the Main Event Mafia's asses and just being a Debbie Downer. I mean, there's so many things they can have our favorite Fred Flintstone look-alike do! Of course, since I'm always willing to lend a helping hand, here's a short list of awesome Heel Don West shenanigans TNA can use:

1.) Don West's Deal of the Day - 13 TNA pay-per-view DVDs all at 0% off! ZERO! Bwahahaha! In fact, tack another $10 onto the final price!

2.) Buy Mike Tenay an I'm Sorry cake and plant the fucker right in his face~! Ohhh, what are you gonna do now with all that deliciously creamy vanilla icing all up on your turtle-looking mug?! Nothing! That's what!

3.) West extends his hand for a truce. "I overreacted," he says, "Let's put this all behind us." Just as Tenay goes for the shake - OHHH, TOO SLOW~!

These will all help cement West's status as a legit bad guy. Or not. Either way, I want to see one of these play out on TV. By the way, if you haven't seen West blow up at Tenay yet, what the fuck are you waiting for?!

Oh, hey, while I'm talking about TNA... Samoa Joe holding a knife to Steiner's neck was probably the most bad-ass happening in this week of wrestling up until Orton kicked Triple H's ass on Smackdown. Reducing Steiner to a high-pitched baby exclaiming, "That was a knife~!" was awesome.

Over at WWE.com, there's a collection of ink blots for all you Watchmen fans to take a look at. They suggest that Rorschach appears to be a WWE fan since the blots are "actually elements most associated with WWE - Superstars, finishing maneuvers and various other items." You'll realize pretty quick that the blots are photoshopped, unless you're an idiot like me since I didn't quite get that until about the third picture. I still can't see an afro in that Ricky Ortiz one, though. I see a tiger cub. Either way, I thought this little feature was pretty cool, considering I got to learn how to make ink blots on Photoshop just for your amusement. And if this somehow leads to a hilarious RANDY ORTON PSYCH EVALUATION - LIVE ON RAW segment, then that would just make my entire month.

This week's least interesting news bit goes to Adam "Pacman" Jones~! Yeah, I know you don't care to hear about this guy anymore, but he's a part of TNA's championship history!111 So, yeah, while shooting an episode of Pros vs. Joes for Spike TV, a fist fight broke out between him and a Joe named Dan Adams, a sales rep from Boston. What else is new? Jones was supposedly getting on Adams's last nerve by calling him "waterboy" and pie-facing him, so Adams felt that he had to retaliate. That fight of theirs took the entire Pros vs. Joes crew to separate. Here's some fantastic advice: book Adam Jones at your own risk. Everyone on the planet should know by now exactly what they're getting into by getting him to make appearances.


Okay, so I'm sure you were expecting another exciting edition of Hey Man, Nice Shoot, but here's a funny little something I'd like to share: I'm fairly certain that, by now - at almost two years since I debuted this little slice of my column - I've just about run out of people to interview. Well, at least the interesting, relevant people. I sure as hell won't be writing a Shane Sewell interview any time soon, is what I'm saying. I don't know, I think what I'm trying to say is I need about a week or two to get some ideas for this little segment, 'cause I feel like I've interviewed everyone by now. PLEASE, please, let's not make a fuss over this~! Hell, if you get any ideas, feel free to send those in, too~! I NEED YOUR HELP and stuff. On that note, we've reached the end of this week's Deadface. Feel free to send feedback to the usual spots: my e-mail address down there and/or my MySpace page. And, as always, be sure to check out the sweet updates of the rest of TWF's esteemed staff. You won't regret it! Unless somebody posted half-naked pictures of himself and plastered it all over his column or something. Don't try anything funny, James Swift~! And now I'm out. I'm Catherine, and you've really gotta stop jumping between this page and that porn site on the adjacent Firefox tab. Perv.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).