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DEADFACE WALKING!: (02/28/09)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back, readers, to another week of Deadface Walking, the internet's red-headed stepchild of wrestling news! Unlike your own red-headed stepchild, however, this column is intangible and therefore can't be tossed into your basement for days at a time. So myeh to you on that front. I'm Catherine, and last night while I was watching TV with bloodshot insomniac eyes, some Avengers cartoon came on and, holy shit, since when is Randy Orton part of the Avengers? Actually, that's Namor, who's probably Aqua-Man's stepbrother or something. I wouldn't know. But tell me that resemblance isn't uncanny! Right down to the penchant for wearing nothing but undies when kicking ass and taking names. Now that a fucking Avengers reference to cement my geek status is out of the way, let's get this column started~!

Speaking of Orton! I'd like to officially declare that Randy Orton is my new favorite wrestler - at least while he's exploding with IED, kicking McMahons and running around the arena with Ted DiBiase like they're Wendy and Danny Torrance. And hey, Orton got Triple H to finally acknowledge Stephanie as his wife - and I know you were all just as SHOCKED and CAUGHT OFF GUARD by that explosive revelation as I was!111 On top of all that like icing on a cake is the fact that, as the entire internet wrestling community figured out, setting Monday night's segment to the Benny Hill theme produces fantastic results. What more could you want?! Well, I wanted a random appearance from Dolph Ziggler in that room with the now-obliterated door. "Hi. I'm Dolph Zig--OOF!!" Prop him up against the door with the couch, Ted~! Yep, this feud has been nothing but oven-fresh win. All it needs is a little something I like to call Bedpan McMahon 2: Electric Boogaloo, and then we're golden.

Hollywood, um, star Freddie Prinze Jr. has officially booked it right out of WWE. Show of hands - who didn't see this coming? Anyone? Apparently everyone in the WWE didn't. Prinze hadn't been to a TV taping in two months, and no one knows the reason behind his leaving - you know, other than maybe he has other commitments as a biiiiig Hollywood star. Pfft, who am I kidding? I Might Still Remember What You Did Last Summer But Don't Quote Me On It isn't filming any time soon, is it? Anyway, I'm sure Freddie would like to thank Michael Hayes for taking him under his wing and showing him a thing or two about creative writing. Now he can return to Hollywood with a new-found respect for writers... and an unshakeable dislike for black people. I wonder where that came from?! ROFFLE.

Last Friday, it was reported that Scotty Colt Goldman Cabana was shitcanned following a squash match with Umaga that had to be taped twice because of technical issues with production. Whaaaa... how the fuck is that his fault? The story going around is that Vince became very angry after the fuck-up, so Cabana ended up getting the boot. Hey, waaait a minute! Shouldn't Vince be in a hospital somewhere? I'd hate to think someone's lying to me~! Anyway, the same report states that Scotty was being put over by Dusty Rhodes as the long-term replacement announcer that Vince has been looking for, but Vince wouldn't have found that out himself because he doesn't watch FCW (he just goes by feedback). Oh, my God. The guy has a mill full of generic beefcakes, and he hasn't seen a single one of them. Way to plan for the future, dude.

Yes-man: "You're gonna love him, Vinnie! He's big! And he's got a douchebag military buzz cut!"
Vince: "By jove, bring him in~!"
El Douchebag-o Generico: "Hi, I'm El Douchebag-o Generico!"
Vince: "You know, you remind me of someone~!"

Another note on that announcer stuff: while Cabana gets the boot, I end up reading on several websites, "Sim Snuka is being considered for an announcer's position with the company." Whaaaaaaaaaat?! Well, see ya, Cabana. Try coming back in five years or so, when WWE's overrun by Douchebag-o Generico clones and they're looking for someone with a more unique look and personality. Pfft, as if~!

Also getting his walking papers this week was MANU, for being fat. As if he can help it! And what about Umaga?! I call major shenanigans. And hey, if that announcer position stuff doesn't work out, then YOU'RE NEXT, SIM SIM SALA BIM SNUKA! There's a good chance I only mentioned Manu for the Hadji from Jonny Quest reference there. I apologize, only not really.

Speaking of Manu, his heavy breathing segment with Randy Orton and Cody Rhodes was nominated recently for The Soup's 2009 Awards Show on E! for "Best Display of Homoeroticism By A Guy Who Is Totally Not Gay... Seriously... Come On You Guys... I Mean It." The intense segment that featured the three (mostly Manu) breathing like my little Shih Tzu in heat unfortunately lost to Chet from the Real World with the pink shirt and the sewing machine. Anyone agree that this is the real reason Manu got his pink slip? Hehe... pink.

HEY! It's Week Two of Photoshoppery I Didn't Get to Use Because It's Irrelevant Now! This week is an inspired piece from the mouth of JBL. Remember when he said something about opening a Shawn Michaels restaurant and making HBK dance outside in a monkey suit just because he could? BEHOLD:


Wayne Gretzky, time-traveling cyborg, finally got his wish~! WrestleMania 26 will apparently be taking place in Phoenix, Arizona! IT'S LIKE HE KNEW. I'll bet the back of Gretzky's shirt says I WAS THERE, too. Ooooh, freaky!

OMIGAAAAHHH, TNA IMPACT GOT A 1.3 RATING LAST WEEK. HEY! Why aren't you jumping out of your seat?! TNA GOT A 1.3 RATING!!! Their highest rating EVER! See those capital letters?! THESE ARE LETTERS OF EXCITEMENT~! CEEELEBRATE GOOD TIIIIIIIMES okay meh whatever-- HEY! Did you hear about Monday Night Raw pulling a 4.1 rating for the second time this week?

And now, your least interesting news bit of the week! Yes, already. Blame the slow news week, my friends! Anyway... Hulk Hogan recently told the Los Angeles Times that he turned down the starring role in the Oscar-nominated The Wrestler. Now, if it was true, this would be, what, the second time he turned down something more successful than what he had? First it's the George Foreman Grill in favor of the fiery deathtrap known as the Hulk Hogan Ultimate Grill, and now he turned down The Wrestler 'cause he's already had awesome, award-nominated, cinematic gems such as SANTA WITH MUSCLES. Of course, I call bullshit on his pompous statement. I mean, isn't it enough to be Hulk Hogan? Trying to seem awesome because he supposedly turned down a potential Oscar winner? So lame, and I can assure you it wouldn't have been nominated if Hogan starred in it.


Welcome back to Hey Man, Nice Shoot! This week I've got an exclusive one-on-one interview with the Intercontinental Champion himself... CM PUNK! Great to have you here, Punk. What's up?

CM Punk: [Sigh.]

What's up your craw tonight?

CM Punk: Ever seen that movie Groundhog Day?

Hehe, yeah. The part with the toaster was awesome.

CM Punk: Yeah, hehe, it was. Ahem. Well, yeah, I think I'm Bill Murray.

I love your movies, Bill. Ghostbusters is genius. And Caddyshack? Classic-shack. See what I did there?

CM Punk: No! Damn it! I'm like Phil Connors! I think I'm reliving the same week over and over!

What? Come on, dude, that's just a movie.

CM Punk: ...

...you're serious? Hey, just because you're wrestling William Regal every single fucking week doesn't mean you're in some time loop. It's just that, um, I don't know, I guess no one else cares for that belt of yours.

CM Punk: Hey!

What? The truth hurts. Okay, look, you can't be in a time loop. This is your first time on my show this week, isn't it?

CM Punk: Yeah, I guess so.

There you go. And, hey, I guess if you really need to test this time loop thing, you can kidnap that groundhog, CM Punxsutawney or whatever, and drive off a cliff. If you don't come back, you'll be fine! Well, you'll have been fine. Then you'd be dead. And not fine at all.

CM Punk: ...eh, too drastic.

Alright then, find Andie MacDowell and sleep with her. That worked for Bill, right? February 3rd came around and all was well in Punxsutawney. And Andie was still in bed with him - isn't that the happiest ending of all?

CM Punk: Yeah! I'm gonna sleep with Rita! Wait. Isn't she like 50?

Pfft. 50's the new 30 as far as Hollywood goes. Have you seen her in those L'Oréal commercials? Alright. Your sad, mopey depression is cured. Let's get to some questions!

CM Punk: Alright!

Alright!

CM Punk: ...

...

CM Punk: Well?

Yeah... you threw me pretty off track with the Groundhog Day stuff.

CM Punk: Oh. Want to ask me what CM stands for? Everyone else does!

Nah.

CM Punk: Come on! It can be anything. Creepy Mullet. Cookie Monster. Chick Magnet. Charles Manson. Centimeter.

Didn't you recently say it stood for Chicago Made?

CM Punk: ...well you're no fun~!

Guess not. So, hey, what'd you think of that Friday the 13th remake?

CM Punk: Haven't seen it yet. Is it any good?

Haven't seen it, either.

CM Punk: Oh.

...

CM Punk: ...

...you'd really fuck a 50-year-old?

CM Punk: What?

Andie MacDowell. I mean, nevermind what I said about 50 being the new 30, that's just nasty cougar nastiness right there. Fucking ew, dude.

CM Punk: Buh?! That's not cool! You're the one who suggested it!

And you agreed! G-R-O-S-S, Punk. Just the thought is making me break out in hives here!

CM Punk: But you said!! Remember? The L'Oréal thing?

I was kidding! You should've seen your face, all enthusiastic and whatnot! No wonder you never got with Kelly Kelly. Too young for you? Would you rather be the Ashton to some granny's Demi?

CM Punk: Oh, fuck you! You would do a 40-year-old wrestler at the drop of a hat, I'm sure!

Fuck you, too! That's completely different! Leave Al Snow out of this~! You know what? I'm not liking that insolent tone. This interview? OVER. Go back to your repetitive Groundhog life!

CM Punk: Yeah, I will! And I'll totally take Andie MacDowell with me!

Yeah, you do that! You take Grandma Rita with you into your Sleep Number hospital cot with the one-button TV remote control to help her adjust to the setting she's familiar with! ASS! Pfft. ANYWAY. Join me next week, Shoot fans, for less of Punk and more of your favorite wrestlers doing, um, Shooty stuff!

And that's all for this week's, uh, second? Deadface Walking! Feel free to send feedback right on over to my e-mail inbox at the way emo-sounding e-mail address below, or to my MySpace page. And make absolutely sure to check out TWF's main page for all of this week's lovely updates from the rest of the kick-ass TWF Staff! You love 'em. You need 'em. And with that, I'm Catherine, and I'm out like your dad at a New Kids on the Block concert or something. Toodles~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).