Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

DEADFACE WALKING!: (05/10/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Good day, misfits, and welcome back to the column that knocks out the fat, Deadface Walking! I am Catherine Perez, the girl who is currently being watched by a creepy guy in another building across from where I'm sitting right now. My summer vacation has finally arrived! That's three months off from struggling through art projects, taking loads of notes, and walking under the blistering hot sun every afternoon. My fat ass can't take it anymore, damn it! Oh, right, the column. Let's get to it (perverts need not make sexual remarks)!

In an act of human kindness, WWE has pulled the plug on this year's December To Dismember PPV, thus saving remaining old-school ECW fans costs on chainsaws to be used for this year's mass dismemberment meeting. In case you've forgotten (lucky you), December To Dismember 2006 was, arguably, the worst WWE production ever. Despite there being an Elimination Chamber match, fans just couldn't believe that Hardcore Holly was in the main event, and subsequently died. Well, at least that's how I remember it. As far as this news bit goes, what else needs to be said other than "thank God"? Of course, with all good news comes the bad news.

WWE has announced the return of the Slut Hunt Diva Search. As if it isn't bad enough that WWE's women's division is practically dead and buried, WWE are looking for more reasons to lose what little remaining faith some of us had in their female wrestlers. Have they already forgotten the train wreck that was last year's contest? What purpose does this contest serve, if not to make us all suffer at the hands of the most useless women in wrestling since Sunny? Here's a rundown of the casting call that was sent out:

"The WWE Divas Brand is currently up to new and exciting things - The Divas are frequently appearing in music videos (see the new Timbaland video), TV shows (Smallville, Extreme Makeover, Home Edition, and more...), doing tributes to the troops (just went to Iraq). We are building all kinds of cutting edge, new opportunities to help build the Divas brand."

New and exciting? I don't know a damn person who was excited about seeing Ashley Massaro take on so many opportunities on her own that she was nearly chosen as the new face of women's wrestling. They want to help build the Divas brand? Fire the dead weights, and hire some actual wrestlers.

"No wrestling experience or aspirations to wrestle necessary. One lucky woman will be awarded a one year WWE talent contract worth $250,000. In addition, WWE is always looking for a variety of women to fill other positions on our 3 shows, Monday Night 'Raw', Friday Night 'Smackdown' and ECW. WWE is not just looking for one girl. We're looking for several!"

Wrestling? On a wrestling show? FUCK THAT~! Show the boys those sweet, sweet titties! Ugh. That's where they get you, aspiring pro-wrestling dead weights; they tell you there's no wrestling experience necessary, but, before you know it, you're racking up 15 years worth of injuries within months just trying to fall out of the ring - right, Ashley? Let's not forget the cash prize - a whopping $250,000! That's right, girls; you show off what you're made of (silicone?), and make sure the men in the audience get their money's worth, and you will get tons of cash! Glorified prostitution? OF COURSE NOT. WWE is, and has always been, a highly respectable, family-friendly environment. Just ask the girls of Hot Lesbian Action.

"A WWE DIVA is a fun, fearless girl who is beautiful, physically fit, athletic, comfortable with her body, has a sparkling personality and a great presence about her. This is the 4th annual Diva Search... Past and present Divas include: Stacey [sic] Keibler, Layla El (2006 Diva Search Winner), Torrie Wilson, Christy Hemme, Candice Michelle, Trish Stratus and Ashley Massaro (currently on April 07 Playboy cover)..."

Fun and fearless? That's fine. Beautiful? Sure, I'd guess that's a given in WWE; what shallow man would want to see an Ugly Betty look-alike in a swimsuit? Physically fit and athletic? Well, I guess I can count myself out. I can't even bring myself to power-walk up the driveway. What woman on earth is truly comfortable with her body? Most women I've come across are so vain and shallow, half their conversations consist of "AGH, GAWD, 105 POUNDS? WHAT AM I, A MANATEE?" As far as having a "sparkling" personality and "great" presence goes, I have yet to see a Search winner with those attributes. Well... Christy Hemme was definitely... sparkling. I propose that WWE hold their next competition in a mental institution. Those girls would definitely spice up a segment:

Coach: Alright, so what's one talent you possess?
Random psycho: I possess the awesome power of the dark lord, Cthulu... I am the alpha and omega... FEAR ME... FEAAAAAR MEEEEEEEE!
Ashley: Wow, hehe, she's awesome. Heh. Wow. Hehe. Just... haw haw... wow. Wow. Haha.

All that aside, must they remind us that this year marks the 4th annual Search? I don't like to be reminded that I'm being put through Hell a fourth time. I think this little rant's gone on long enough, so let's move on... TO MORE DIVA NEWS! Oooh, swerve!.

In what seems to be the most laughable news I've written about so far, The Wrestling Observer newsletter has reported that WWE, the horndogs behind Candice Michelle getting her taint licked as Triple H got his dick sucked, has adopted a new policy that will present its female workers in a classier light. Upon hearing this news, I laughed to myself. Classy? I don't think there's any recovery from the trashiness of the Divas brand. After all, they did bring us...

- Trish Stratus on all fours, barking like a dog to the delight of no one but Vince McMahon.
- Torrie Wilson's nearly-naked striptease at Judgment Day '03.
- Torrie Wilson and Sable kissing and being... real friendly to each other.
- Torrie Wilson, "Stepmother" Dawn Marie, hotel room... need I say more?
- Katie Vick. Not a Diva? She might as well have been!
- Candice Michelle's Go-Daddy nastiness. I know it's not WWE's doing, but I'm suffering, damn it!
- Leyla Milani's intentional wardrobe malfunction.
- Kelly "Beaver" Kelly and her oh-so-amazing talents.
- Edge and Lita's live sex celebration, which brought us Lita's nip slip.
- Extreme Ex-blow-sé (witty, I know).
- Extreme Strip Poker. No amount of sandpaper could rub the images from my eyes.
- Candice Michelle, Vince McMahon's office sex toy.

I could go on and on. Anyway, an image consultant has been hired to show the girls how to look classier and "not come across as slutty on television" (good luck!). The girls were also provided with less revealing outfits. Of course, this isn't being done for me, or for other female wrestling fans suffering from a crippling bout of embarrassment... it's to appeal to mainstream advertisers. With that said, I'd like to announce that I received a phone call today from one Vincent Kennedy McMahon, and it was a message to all female wrestling fans around the world. The message? "Fuck you all. Now go buy some Cena merch, you mindless sheep. I own you! I OWN YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I can pronounce exclamation points."

In what, I think, is one of the bigger stories of this year (so far), Rob Van Dam is all set to leave WWE. He has turned down every offer WWE threw at him, including their most desperate attempt: "Rob, please, stay with us! We promise we'll let you get high in the ring... WE PROMISE!" A bold move from Van Dam, indeed. Van Dam wishes to work a lighter schedule, and earn extra cash by signing autographs; after all, it worked so well for WRESTLING SUPERSTAR VIRGIL, right? I expect Rob to be jobbed the hell out until his departure, then debut in TNA as Chasm, Jim Mitchell's new monster. Grrr, baby!

Readers, weeks ago I let you all know about IWA Puerto Rico's financial woes. Well, it seems that the never-ending spiral of horrible happenings is still never-ending. Since my initial report, Spanish announcer and IWA P.R. booker Moody Jack has left the company. The struggling promotion owes Jack quite a bit of money, as they do other employees. Jack may end up with AAA in the near future. If that isn't bad enough for IWA, it gets worse. IWA Champion Ray González left the company, taking the title belt with him. Go ahead and keep it, Ray; I doubt IWA will need it anymore. Does it get worse from here? Well, of course. Ricky Banderas has left IWA as well. Not sure if he was an important part of IWA, but what I do know is that Banderas will be joining TNA soon (I won't spoil this any further for those who don't know what his role in TNA is). Last, but certainly not least, IWA suffered the loss of yet another talent recently, as Omar Antonio Pérez (no relation), known as Mephisto Lephanto in the company, suffered a massive, fatal heart attack in the middle of a tag team match. Poor guy. My condolences to his family and friends. As far as IWA goes... dear fuck, what is this, the death of old-school ECW with the S.A.P. feature turned on?

The 4/27 Memphis show that featured Hulk Hogan vs. "The Big Show" Paul Wight was attended by 4,500 wrestling fans. STICK THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT, RVD McMAHON~!1 Honestly, this only proves to me and, I'm sure, many others that Hogan isn't as big a draw as he thinks he is. Welcome to 2007, Hulk - where 75% of your old fans are now grown up and leading successful lives, while the other 25% are now video-blogging about wrestling on YouTube. I can't wait until I can say all this about John Cena in 5 to 15 years.

WWE writer Michael Hayes is blaming Smackdown's recent shithole ratings on WWE's decline following Wrestlemania. Wait. A WWE WRITER said something that holds truth to it? I was going to suggest that WWE listen to Hayes's words of wisdom, but, let's be real here; do the McMahons honestly care? Well, when televised tapings start drawing about as much as Hogan's 4/27 match every week, it'll be too late to improve. Remember that old cliché, kids: once you're on top, the only way you can go is down. It's true. Just look at WCW.

Dusty "Thhhh" Rhodes was pushing for Randy Orton to be moved to ECW because he always liked Bob Orton. What the hell does that have to do with anything? Then again, if Orton was moved to ECW, I'd never see his chinlocking ass again... YES, MOVE HIM OVER TO TUESDAY NIGHTS! Chinlocks are extreme, right?

Dear God, no. Sean Waltman's looking to come back to TNA. Says Waltman, "I want to return to TNA... and I want a World Heavyweight title shot! And I want a gold-plated B41 helicopter! With crocodile skin seats! If my demands are not met, I will Bronco Bust you all. In your asses... yeah!" When asked for a response, Dixie Carter said, "Sean Waltman? More like Sean WALMART~! Oooh, burrrrn!" Has it become obvious that I have nothing to say about this matter?

Mark your calendars, readers. Doomsday is upon us, and it is slated for a 5/21 arrival. Timbaland's video, featuring just about every WWE diva I despise, will be airing on Raw that night. I wish you could see the look of sheer excitement on my face right about now...

As if Timbaland wasn't enough Hip Hop for us, Snoop Dogg is considering a career in pro-wrestling. ContactMusic.com informs its readers that "'STONE COLD' STEVE AUSTIN is full of praise for the hip-hop legend - real name Calvin Broadus - and is urging him to ditch music and become a professional fighter." To be honest, it's hard for me to dislike Snoop; while I don't listen to his music much, the guy is quite the charismatic one. Snoop, a big wrestling fan, would prefer to be one of "them cool managers", where he would be "like, 'Y'all slap me, I'm calling in all of my goons and we gonna tear this motherfucker up.'" Smart words, right there. Well, at least it'd be a step up from Kevin Federline, so I'm not complaining.

Ken Kennedy is the latest big WWE star to gain himself an injury that sent WWE into plan-changing mode. Edge won Kennedy's Money In The Bank briefcase this past Monday on Raw in a move that had many groaning in displeasure. Who's next on the list of injuries? Tune in next week for another shocking episode of "God Hates Wrestling"!

It's time once again for the least important news bit of the week! Stacy Keibler is set to marry her long-time boyfriend... uh... I forget his name. Stacy will then divorce him, marry a male dancer, and, when interviewed, refer to her ex-husband as "some silly thing I used to do." Of course, Stacy would never do something like that...

That does it for this week's edition of Deadface Walking. I will now take my leave of you all and enjoy the rest of my week off. Remember: all questions, comments and random statements are to be directed towards my e-mail inbox or the dreaded MySpace page. Until next time, I'm Catherine Perez, and you need to stop using this column as a cover-up for your porn every time your girl walks into the room.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).