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DEADFACE WALKING!: (02/23/09)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

HEY, LOOK WHO DECIDED TO SHOW UP. IN MID-FEBRUARY. Yep. Well, I'm Catherine, and this is the first Deadface Walking of 2009! In mid-February. God, I suck. Hey, thanks for being patient (let's just pretend you even remembered at all) during my leave of absence. I'll admit it; Deadface took a back seat at the start of '09 after I received a lovely letter in the mail from my college telling me that half my financial aid went bye-bye because of one shithole grade. Okay, two. It was tragic. At least there's a load of fuckery going on in the pro-wrestling world for all of us to laugh at! So yeah, let's FINALLY get this column started, shall we?

I've noticed that there are still a lot of you people out there who continue to deny any and all indication that WWE has decided to create family-friendly programming again, and, hell, why should you believe it? I'd guess it's not enough that Mr. Family-Friendly himself, John Cena, admitted in a recent interview to being the main force behind changing the name of his F-U to the Attitude Adjustment. "It was totally my call. It's actually Attitude Adjustment. I realize that our audience has changed now and when I look out past the ring now I see so many children... I know that kids are watching my every move and there are a lot of parents know their kids look up to me and I know a lot of people watch our program with closed eyes and I kind of live by the motto -- 'Hustle Loyalty Respect.' If someone is out of line, I think instead of giving them an FU, it's better to give them an attitude adjustment." Hell, who can blame him when the crowd is looking more and more like a Wiggles concert each Monday? Just as an FYI to Cena, though: these days, kids say 'fuck' more than, well, I do. It's true! One time, when I was 13, my friends and I saw an adorable little four year old walking by wearing some gangsta gear. His response to our cooing and awww-ing? "FUCK YOU!" What a little bastard. Anyway, why complain about WWE's new kid-friendly direction? If you're looking for more adult-oriented entertainment, Randy Orton's currently the coolest fucker in the WWE, and I wasn't really a fan of the guy until he kicked the dust right out of Vince McMahon's old ass. He bled like a bad-ass on Sunday, and then he RKO's Stephanie on Monday night? And this is all supposedly attributed to some mental disorder? You rock, Orton. Don't ever change. Cena, on the other hand... he can do his thing and entertain the children or whatever. Also, I request that Cena's STFU-now-just-STF be soon renamed Please Lower Your Voice, Thanks. And the PLYVT will still look like nonconsensual male rape, so I guess the kids don't really win there. Sorry, kids. You know, they could've just said that F-U stands for Friendship and Unity. Why do I have to come up with all the solutions here?!

Hey! What the fuck happened to Kizarny? I predicted that the guy would have a fairly decent fan following by now! Way to make me look bad, WWE. Then again, who the hell can get behind "My name (pause) is (pause) Kizarny~! Squeezle deezle fo'shizzle skizzurp frizzle frazzle"? Fizzucking lizame. Meh, screw it, at least CHRISTIAN's back! On ECW. With an un-awesome, screamo, pop-punk rendition of Waterproof Blonde's Just Close Your Eyes, or, as the singer wails it out, "JUST CLOSE YOUR UHHHHHS." Welcome back to mediocrity, Christian! It missed you. Ah, I kid. I like the spot Christian's in; at least he isn't drowning in midcard hell on Smackdown or Raw (yet... coughcough)! And now I have a reason to tune in to ECW after Jack Swagger Busey had scared me away! It's like we all win kind of!

Mick Foley's sitcom, Have A Nice Day, is officially stuck in development hell after Spike TV turned the idea down. That really sucks, too; I definitely would've enjoyed the theme song, as it probably would've been as awesome as the theme to It's Garry Shandling's Show. I'm actually a little shocked that Spike TV turned an idea down. Aren't they the same guys who air MANswers and gave a show to the damn DUDESONS? God, I hate the Dudesons - way to unleash a plague upon the earth, Bam Margera. Anyway, I think Spike should reconsider Foley's sitcom. I'm sure there's room for it on their line-up in between their constant CSI marathons and airings of When Good Pets Go Bad, and if there isn't, cancel that abysmal new incarnation of Unsolved Mysteries. Or forget Have A Nice Day and still cancel Unsolved Mysteries. I almost typed "Miseries" there. That kind of gives you a good idea of how much I dislike the show. But yeah, if the virtually unknown morons, the Dudesons, can get a show, then why can't Foley? You know you'd watch it. Especially for the "Have a nice day" catchphrase at the end of every episode which would be met with uproarious laughter, applause, and general good feeling.

So, is the unlucky, miserable plight of Jeff Hardy done with now that he's feuding with Matt? If you recall, Jeff Hardy crumbled under the fiery wrath of a pyrotechnical explosion, following a car accident. That guy who was practically set ablaze at WrestleMania 24 was NOT amused. I loved Jeff's reaction the next week, too: "Edge. I know it was you. Sadly, through my inability to express any other emotion but 'enigmatic' - which, let's face it, isn't even an emotion - I can only seem calm and collected as I furrow my eyebrows in an attempt to be livid over the fact that you've made several attempts to take my life. Um, grrr." Dear God. I did enjoy his weekly mishaps though, and I am hereby clamouring (what? I like the British spelling better) for more! Next week on SmackDown, Jeff slips on a banana peel as a black cat crosses his path~! You know, I think WWE's going to pass it all off as bad luck on Jeff's part. I'm surprised that Jeff hasn't caught on to the idea that maybe walking under all those ladders over the years has finally come to bite him in the ass. Either way, I couldn't help but cry tears of laughter at the slow-motion replay of Jeff swatting flies in all that pyro and ballyhoo, and then crumbling to the floor like one of those mega-sized Power Rangers monsters who got killed at the end of every episode in a blaze of explosive glory. It was magical. I was half expecting Matt to run out in a White Ranger costume, too, but that probably would've been too much of a good thing. Speaking of Matt, are the WWE writers really trying to get at the assumption that Matt is so jealous of Jeff that he'd try to kill him? Really? I hope that's not what they've got in mind, 'cause that's just too tasteless even for me. Well... not really. No, it's not. On another note, I think WWE should capitalize on Jeff's bad luck and have him come out with new good luck merch, like a Jeff Hardy four-leaf clover/Hardy logo pendant, or armwarmers covered in images of shoe horns and rabbit feet. I know I'd buy none~! Eh? See what I did right there?

Terrible news, readers. Red Light District, famous for putting out a bunch of 'celebrity' porn tapes, is considering releasing - brace yourselves - ANOTHER NIGHT IN CHYNA. "Joanie is a huge celebrity that crosses many markets," so says the proverbially beer-goggled David Joseph, president of Red Light District. "The first movie continues to sell extremely well and the prospect of selling another one was a no-brainer." First of all, "huge celebrity"? Please. Secondly, who the hell is still buying One Night In Chyna? I'm sure a simple Google search with the adult content filter turned off will yield more than enough naked Chyna material to make your boners shrink into your abdomens for the next month or so. Thirdly, Joseph said Another Night in Chyna is comprised of never-before-seen footage. Yes, more fucking - as in "I'm going to fucking puke." It's a wonder that Guantanamo Bay guards never used One Night In Chyna as a torture device. TELL US OSAMA'S WHEREABOUTS OR YOU SEE THE CREEPY DICK AGAIN~! Freakin' effective, I assure you.

And now, a bit of old news that was too funny to pass on. At a recent TV taping, some sites reported that an unnamed WWE Diva was told to get in better shape. I'm glad someone finally told that heifer, Michelle McCool, to hit the treadmill~!111 [/Canadian Bacon] I kid, I kid. The same sites pointed fingers at Candice Michelle and linked to pictures that can be seen
HERE. The only comment I have on this is, I only WISH I was as "fat" as Candice Michelle is. If a little saggy pouch on the stomach is considered fat these days, I must be Yokozuna. Maybe Candice was on her period or something. Well, that, and wearing skin-tight PVC ring gear which brings visuals of a couple of fat, cankly feet in pumps to my mind. But seriously, she's not fat. She just needs larger ring gear. Please get her larger ring gear. Squashed belly jelly isn't cool.

You know, I'm kind of miffed that I didn't get to report on that kayfabe, one-week firing that Chris Jericho got a short while back. I even had a sweet photoshop done and everything! Check it out:



Speaking of Jericho, and since some people asked me via e-mail, that girl he punched weeks ago had it coming. I mean, who the hell did she think she is? What she did amongst that "mob" was just horrendous. Honestly, who wears a John Cena shirt out in public?! What a vile, disgusting woman.

Since when is Daffney's Sarah Palin character an official member of the TNA roster, supposedly with her very own theme music and entrance video, don'tchaknow?!?! I hate you, TNA. I hate you so very much. They finally answered my plea to get Daffney on the show, and they, like the Djinn from the Wishmaster movie series, granted it in such a quarter-assed manner that my soul died shortly after. Jesus Christ, not even Palin herself dared to show up on TNA! She's completely irrelevant to the entire planet now. Can't TNA just drop it already, before we suffer through the Turkey Killing Segment of No Return? Gawd. I hope there's a real good pay-off to this somewhere.

There's a report floating around about TNA's locker room morale being low yet again. Yeah, I can definitely see why this time around. This time, the problem is attributed to some of the Main Event Mafia, specifically Booker T. Says one anonymous wrestler: "They just dick around and don't give a shit what they do. House shows are an even bigger joke... Take Booker, when he first came in he was gung ho about helping out the younger guys, contributing to the company and now he’s the worst and doesn't give a shit." What can I say here? It's WCW (or Duh-Cee-Duh, in Booker's case) all over again! Hell, even those TNA YouTube fanboys Bill and Doug are getting pissed off at TNA. I think that's another sign of the Apocalypse. Or just a sign of TNA's unbelievable suckage as of late.

TNA is holding a contest for one, uh, lucky fan to spend a night with TNA Knockout ODB~! To enter this contest, you upload a video to YouTube in which you explain why you, Joe NoSelfRespect, are worthy of spending a night with ODB. Just in case you have no idea what to say, here's an idea that'll probably guarantee the win: "I'm a low-maintenance slob, you're a low-maintenance slob... let's just roll with it~! See ya at Arby's." Not surprisingly, some contest entries have already been uploaded to YouTube. They must really want to be featured on The Smoking Gun's World's Dumbest Fans again. Three cheers for bad publicity (especially when inviting Rod Blagojevich to iMPACT didn't work... at all)!

Speaking of that invitation to Blagojevich, what the hell is TNA's problem with willingly inviting criminals to take part in their show? Was Pacman Jones, a guy who suckerpunched a stripper for picking up a couple of dollar bills, not enough? Personally, I'm still holding out hope that they'll bring in O.J. and Ray Lewis as a tag team, LAWL~!

Aaaand now, your least interesting news bit of the, what, past month and a half or so? Egh. WILL HE? WON'T HE? Of course, I'm talking about Mickey Rourke, who's suddenly turned into a big name in pro wrestling after his flick, The Wrestler, got everyone's attention. What I love the most is how there first were reports of Vince HATING the movie and trying to distance the WWE far from it and all that jazz, and once there was talk of an Oscar nomination, Vince hopped on the Mickey Rourke bandwagon and is now hell-bent on getting the guy to show up at Wrestlemania. So will he show up? After backing out of a proposed match against Chris Jericho, New York Magazine has him quoted as saying, "We're gonna go in support. Vince McMahon, Roddy Piper, and Ric Flair have been such a part of the movie, so whatever support I can give back to all those people from WWE, I'm gonna do that." What about his match with Jericho? "We don't need to talk about that," said Rourke's douchey publicist. Hey, I like Rourke and all - I loved him as Marv in Sin City - but I truly couldn't care less if he showed up or not. I think WWE should perhaps focus on building the Wrestlemania card to be the best it can be, and if the final product looks anything like that proposed card that's floating around the internet, I will riot. Silently. In my spiffy Wrestlemania seat. With my hands crushed under my ass.



Oh my GAWD, it's the grand return of Hey Man, Nice Shoot! If only we had a theme song... Anyway, this week, I made sure to secure a special guest, because it was either that or invite Don West yet again... I just can't handle that. So, without further ado, here's the guy who threatened to cancel Wrestlemania, RANDY ORTON~! Welcome to the show, Randy, it's nice to have you.

Orton: How about showing my cronies the respect they deserve?

What?

Orton: I believe Ted and Cody would like to be welcomed to your show, too.

Dude... it's just Ted and Cody. Seriously. Come on.

Orton: Meh, good point.
Rhodes: Hehe, yeah, good point! ...HEY!

So, Randy, let's review just how fucked you are. Kicking your boss' head off? Check. Kicking your boss' son's head off? Check. RKOing the shit out of your boss' daughter? What's next, and does it involve Linda?

Orton: That's completely uncalled for, Catherine. I have Intermittent Explosive Disorder, remember?

Eh, I don't know, it all seemed pretty premeditated...

Orton: That's just the problem with everyone! Completely insensitive to my debilitating illness!

Oh, please. You just have a terrible temper. What about that time Cody slapped you in the face, and all you could do was suck in the air that Cody and Manu were breathing? Where was your explosion then?

Orton: ...
Rhodes: Well, you see--
Orton: Shut up, Cody.
Rhodes: I can do that! You know I just live to do your bidding and such.
Dibiase: Me too!

...losers. Okay, let's change the subject.

Orton: Yeah, I'd like that.

Yeah, I bet you would.

Orton: I bet that you bet I would.

I bet that you bet that I bet you would. Whoa, headache. So yeah, let's talk about why you haven't been in a WWE film yet.

Orton: Pfft, why should I be?

'Cause you can play awesome characters like an indestructible Marine whose wife gets kidnapped, and a giant, psychotic lummox with a knack for twiddling his dick between his index finger and thumb?

Orton: ...is that what See No Evil was about? I didn't bother to watch.

Yeah, I think that was the gist of it. So, if you did ever star in a WWE film, what would it be about?

Orton: Probably about an indestructible psycho Marine whose wife has a knack for twiddling his dick between her index finger and thumb.
Dibiase: Hey, that sounds awesome and original! I'd totally watch that!
Rhodes: Me too!

You know... I probably would, too. Out of curiosity. Strictly out of curiosity. Well, Randy, I know you've got places to go to and people to kick--

Orton: There's that insensitivity again!
Rhodes: Totally insensitive.
Dibiase: Completely insensitive.
Orton: Shut up!
Rhodes: Sure! We can shut up!
Dibiase: Totally! Anything for you, Randy.

Right. Like I was saying, since you've got places to go to and, um, whatnot... I've got only one last question.

Orton: Go ahead.

Yeah, thanks for giving me permission to keep talking. On my show. Ahem. Anyway, my question is, what the fuck are those tattoos on your arms?

Orton: ...really? Of all the questions you could've asked me, you ask me about my tattoos?

I figured you'd be pretty flattered about that.

Orton: Are you kidding me?!
Rhodes: Yeah, are you kidding him?!
Dibiase: You've gotta be kidding him!
Orton: SHUT UP!
Dibiase: Hey, no problem, Randy!
Rhodes: If that's what you want, Randy, that's what you'll get!
Dibiase: Nothing but the best for Randy!

You two are SUCH fucking losers. Well, while Randy drops these two dorks onto the ground and kicks them into Concussion Land in a totally not premeditated way 'cause of his IED and all, I'm going to call it a show here! Join me next week for more Nice Shoot goodness - same Shoot-tacular time, same Shoot-tacular channel!

And that does it for this week's Deadface Walking! Feel free to shoot some feedback over to my e-mail inbox at the address below, or to my oft-neglected
MySpace page! Then, of course, make sure to check out TWF's main page for all of this week's hilarity from Anthony Dean and his NO WAY OUT 2009 PPV RANT, Cameron Burge and the BEST DAMN RAW RANT, PERIOD, Neil McGilloway and the CHRISTIAN AND SWAGGER VARIETY HOUR, and James Swift and THE ROCKTAGON! Now, I've got a math quiz and some Deadpool comics to get to, so I'm out. Toodles~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).