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DEADFACE WALKING!: (12/16/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

It's that time once again for another heaping helping of Deadface Walking! I'm Catherine, and I'm literally counting down the days until the college fall semester ends~! So, yeah, if you've been wondering what the fuck's been up with the frequent lateness of this column, ask my slave drivers professors. And that ice storm most of my state got hit with on Thursday. If anyone feels like taking my final exams for me, feel free. Anyone? No? Pfft. Looking back, I think I can reflect on this past semester with the same wonder and amusement as I'd look back on a pap smear appointment. Now that I've slightly disgusted some or all of you, let's get started with this smattering of old and current news~!

PWInsider.com has reported, as the entire planet knows by now, that John Bradshaw Layfield -- every rookie's worst enemy -- got knocked the fuck out during WWE's tour of Iraq by Joey Styles in a brilliant showing of testicular fortitude. Little 5-foot-7 Joey Styles, former voice of ECW, punched the holy shit out of JBL. As the story goes, JBL, who had supposedly been drinking (as if that justifies his fuckery), was annoying the shit out of Styles with his high school jock-esque bullying and overall being an asshole. While it didn't turn out like that time Kyle lightly clocked Cartman in the face in Canada like everyone had initially imagined, the story going around is that when Jibble turned his back while being taken away by other wrestlers, Styles jumped him and punched him in the eye. E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB! Needless to say, JBL was notably silent at the following RAW show. The incident just had to be embarrassing for WWE, but if Styles hasn't been punished by now, I don't think he will be. Never again will a JBL squash match be believable to me, though. Fuck his Clothesline From Hell; he got beat by THIS GUY, who's two inches shorter than I am, and probably about 150 pounds lighter than Jibble can bench press! And, hell, nevermind JBL's feud with Shawn Michaels; if Styles can take this guy down, I can't possibly suspend my disbelief over Shawn's inability to. It's only a matter of time before Michaels (or 'Maggles' in JBL lingo) delivers the most reserved pimp slap ever to send JBL into diabetic shock... when he doesn't even HAVE Diabetes! It'll be fucking awesome, I assure you. Also, check out Sean Carless's awesome take on this situation with JOEY STYLES PUNCH-OUT. Get your copy in time for the holidays~!

Apparently The Undertaker's GogoPowerRangersPlata chokehold has been renamed Hell's Gate. There's something I find incredibly disturbing about Hell's Gate being specifically located between Undertaker's legs, in the fiery depths of his loins. Equally disturbing is the possibility that Undertaker has noticed this bit of hilarity as well, and thusly incorporates it into his sex acts with Michelle McCool. Great. Now I'm getting terrible visuals. Dear God. Let's move on.

TNA's got plans for a Matt Morgan heel turn and repackaging, so says Power Slam Magazine. He's supposedly going to be getting the gimmick of a narcissist. Wow, TNA, your creative prowess is unparalleled. Of course, I guess we can all look forward to Morgan telling his foes, "Oh, I'm sorry, but did NASA ask for YOUR DNA? Nope, didn't think so." That'd be pretty sweet, I think. You know, I sure am glad that no one in TNA has realized that DNA and TNA sound completely alike and thus would look "great" if they were implemented into a spiffy t-shirt slogan. That would be about as terrible as, well, every slogan on all their t-shirts minus that really awesome Christian Cage shirt. And it'd maybe look like this:


Yeah, you'd buy one! I'd probably never buy that Kevin Nash shirt that simply says NASH. I'd either get reactions like "Uh, it's CASH, you retard," or "HEY, CROSBY, STILLS, AND YOUNG ARE COOL TOO, BITCH~!" Anywho, I don't think Matt Morgan really looks like the kind of guy who can pull off narcissism, considering he looks less like a hunky mass of man you'd see girls throwing themselves on and more like your big asshole brother who comes home for the holidays and gives you the most painful noogie ever. Should be fun to see him attempt to pull that gimmick off, though.

The Highspots.com independent show featuring Reid Flair's debut and appearances by Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan only sold 170 tickets. Mind you, this was the appearance of two Flairs and Hulk fucking Hogan on a Saturday night in Charlotte, North Carolina. I'd imagine that this is usually impossible. In fact, I'm sure this is one of the signs of the Apocalypse. What's next, WWE debuting another Elvis gimmick?

Ryan Braddock, that guy from Smackdown who had a decent look and not much else, has been repackaged with some kind of Elvis-esque gimmick. Ladies and gentlemen, please remain seated as the end of the world draws near. Who the hell told Vince that we needed more Elvis impersonators? I hope Honky Tonk Boy here goes over like a fart in church, again, so we can finally put this Elvis bullshit to rest as far as pro wrestling is concerned. After the debacle that was TNA's Eric Young looking for Elvis in June, I don't ever want to see or hear anything about Elvis again. The kids that WWE is marketing to aren't even going to get it. The guy's been gone since 1977, guys. Let it go.

Since I mentioned TNA's t-shirts earlier, can someone please tell whoever runs ShopTNA.com to please, for the love of God, get some GOOD pictures of the TNA stars wearing their shit? Booker T just standing there, pantless, with somewhat disheveled hair and a shit-eating grin is just about the scariest thing since this terrible shot of Jeff Jarrett or this shot of some black guy who looks like the guy from Psych wearing a yellow Curry Man shirt. I'm just saying, make those pictures look a bit more professional and less like police line-up shots.

Gene Snitsky finally got shitcanned as of December 11th! Hey, I'm not one to welcome someone's firing (or maybe I am), but when they've got Mike Knox looking like a creepy baby killing lumberjack, there just isn't enough room for the two of them. He's kind of like the Lena Yada to Knox's Gail Kim. Speaking of which, where the fuck is Gail Kim?

For those very few of you who are wondering how Stacy Keibler's career post-"[Wrestling was] just some silly thing I used to do" is doing, she was recently mentioned by Jamie Foxx on a recent episode of The Tonight Show when he told a story about Sean "Puff Daddy Puffy P. Diddy Hey Diddle Diddle" Combs' new cologne. "Does anyone know Stacy Keibler?" he asked, which was met by complete fucking silence from both the audience and Jay Leno. "The Dancing with the Stars girl," Foxx had to explain, which got an "oh, okay" from Leno. Foxx then went on to say that Stacy was all over him, sniffing at his armpits because he was wearing Diddy's cologne. So there you go; she's not much of a household name, and she's sniffing Jamie Foxx's armpits. Great to see that Hollywood's doing awesomely for her. GOLD STAR~!

This week's least interesting news bit goes to TNA newcomer SUICIDE, who finally debuted at their recent PPV, Final Resolution. Welcome back, Kaz~! What the hell is Suicide's story anyway? Did he crawl out of the TNA video game a la the little girl from The Ring? What's with the terrible costume? Why would TNA go ahead and debut a video game character after their video game bombed? Are they going to explain how a video game character came to life? Probably the most important question: why would they debut a guy named Suicide and NOT have him attempt to join Homicide in LAX?! HELLO.


YES~! Welcome back to Hey Man, Nice Shoot! This week, I'm sitting down with---

Dolph Ziggler: [extending his hand] Hi. Dolph Ziggler.

You're supposed to let me introduce you, first. Ladies and gentlemen, WWE noob Dolph Ziggler~! Nice to have you visit the show, Dolph. Happy Holidays and all that shit, by the way!

Ziggler: ...

...put your hand down. So, Dolph, you went from a handshake-happy nobody with Jor-El hair to Shane McMahon's coat rack all because of a 30-day suspension. What's that been like?

Ziggler: I've got another thing that can be used as a coat rack, if you catch my drift. Eh? Eeehhh? Haha, yeah, put 'er there~! [He extends his hand again.]

...right.

Ziggler: I'm Dolph Ziggler.

Is that so? How about your debut match against Batista? Shockingly enough, it turned out to be pretty impressive.

Ziggler: Hey, if you like to be impressed, I've got just the thing for you. [He extends his hand a third time.] Hi. Dolph Ziggler.

Dude... I know. I invited you, remember? I think I'd know who the fuck I'm inviting onto my show. I mean, really, what are you doing?

Ziggler: ...what is your problem? I introduce myself, I extend my hand to you, and you want to be a curmudgeonly bitch. What is your deal?

I'm trying to conduct an interview here! I know who you are, damn it! I called your ass! God damn it, I had the option of inviting Kung Fu Naki, but noooo, I wanted the asshole who looks like he got beamed down from Krypton!

Ziggler: You know, I don't think you quite understand who I am. I'M. DOLPH. ZIGGLER.

OH MY GOD. I KNOW. Dolph, please, for the love of sweet, minty Jesus, just answer my fucking questions!

Ziggler: Fine with me, Catherine, but then you have to shake my hand.

Dude, what-eh-vurr, just fucking cooperate with me. [SIGH] SO. Exactly what's your gimmick?

Ziggler: A-ha! You'll have to find that out by shaking my hand~!

...are you serious?

Ziggler: I wouldn't lie to you. I'm Dolph Ziggler. [He extends his hand for the umpteenth time, this time with a huge smile on his face.]

...OH MY GOD, GIANT DICK, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Ziggler: Awww, where're you going?! DON'T RUN!!! Val Venis never had to put up with that! Hehehe... [facing the camera] Hi. I'm Dolph Ziggler. Join Catherine next week for another interview with another of your favorite wrestling superstars... you know, like me - Dolph Ziggler. Well, Shane's got a dinner date, and I've gotta be there to hold his coat~!

Thanks for reading another week of Deadfacey goodness~! You know, I've gotta find a separator between Nice Shoot and this ending paragraph. I'm sure there's someone out there who gets confused. Expect that next week. Anyway, feel free to shoot some feedback over to my e-mail address or most splendiferous MySpace page! Also make sure to check out all of TWF's updates of the week on our spiffy MAIN PAGE. So read them, because reading is fundamental and less of a blow to your ego than Googling embarrassingly questionable content only to have your mother walk in and see you cranking it to crazy shit that should never be spoken of between mother and son. Just ask Canadian Bacon. Well, I'm out like a deaf-blind kid playing Guitar Hero. What?

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).