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DEADFACE WALKING!: (12/01/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back, readers~! I'm Catherine and this is Deadface Walking, the internet's #1 source for a week's worth of pro wrestling fuckery from MY~! perspective. I'd assume it's #1 because it's the only one I write, but an accomplishment is an accomplishment, right? Anyway, I hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving! And, man, am I thankful for the return of John Cena~! Lord knows I was starting to miss all my favorite WWE stars verbally fellating him on a weekly basis. If a sarcastic tone could be downloaded off the internet, it'd be embedded via HTML onto those last two sentences. So, yeah, let's get this shit started, why don't we?

The Holiday 2008 issue of WWE Magazine with John Cena on the cover includes an interview in which Cena reveals his most embarrassing moment. He tells about the time he wrestled Scott Steiner in Winnipeg while he was sick with food poisoning. Cena crawled under the ring to throw up after taking a DDT, and, while upchucking, he shit himself. Wow. That must've been some crazy-violent projectile vomiting. Don't picture it in your head; you'll only shit yourself. Actually, please do. To imagine Cena crawling out from under the ring with a look horror and defeat on his sickly, pale face after Montezuma's Revenge finished running wild on him is pretty... well, fucking hilarious. Sid Vicious would be so proud. Of course, I'm going to call bullshit on his food poisoning excuse. I think he most likely shit himself because Steiner's "HEH?!" is pro wrestling's answer to the
Brown Note. Go ahead; I dare you to watch the Steiner HEH?! compilation on YouTube and not lose control of your bowels so bad that you die of the most baffling case of dysentery in medical history. It'll be tragic. And knee-slappingly funny - because as wrestling fans, it's our duty to find 'poopy' hilarious. See what I did there with 'duty' and 'poopy'? Literary genius, I tell ya. I apologize for that; it'll never happen again.

For some reason, Vince McMahon is pissed off about CMT's Celebrity Championship Wrestling, and his anger has supposedly gone so far that he's decided that anyone who's had any part in Hogan's show will never be part of WWE again. You hear that, Frank Stallone?! You'll never be part of WWE, or pretty much ANYTHING containing a semblance of relevance, ever again! You had your chance and you blew it, Stallone. But seriously, what's Vince so pissed about? As far as I've noticed, the show gets regular 0.2 ratings, which I think equals something like 370,000 viewers. In a country of 301,139,947 people, that makes up only 0.12% of the population. It's safe to say that just about no one is watching CCW, so Vince needs to cool his jets and focus on something more important... like wondering why the hell he hasn't fired Finlay for lying about the whole Hornswoggle thing. I mean, really. Well, according to some sources, Vince and some others are mad about the show because they believe it exposes the wrestling business. You know, because it's still so very, very real to us, damn it. How much exposure is the business getting when only 370,000 people are watching?! And I thought Salem the Cat let us in on all of pro wrestling's secrets already? Stunt Granny is so not amused. I'll tell you right now, if some asshole comes up to me and starts spewing a load of shit about how Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling is exposing the business when WWE's Tough Enough on MTV already did so without celebrities, said asshole is getting a pimp slap right across the eyes.

While we're learning about Old Man McMahon's crazy demands, he also supposedly wants all of WWE's commentators to talk to each other conversationally at all times on the air. That actually explains why Michael Cole won't ever shut the fuck up recently. I'd hate to have a conversation with that guy, as it'd probably lead to some philosophical diatribe about why 'skull' is more verbally compelling than 'head'. Nooo thanks to that.

Get ready for more promotional video packages to invade your TV sets while you're trying to watch wrestling~! On the heels of Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia, according to PWInsider.com, Ted DiBiase, Jr. has reportedly been cast in the new WWE Films straight-to-DVD flick... The Marine 2. Wait, who let DiBiase, hardly a huge superstar, star in this movie, or ANY movie? Looks like everyone really does have a price. Don't get me wrong, I do like the guy. But I really doubt that they actually cast him. On another note, does that shit really need a sequel? With the first having such a watery-thin plot, what could The Marine 2 possibly have to offer? I mean, they could always go by way of a prequel ("They have a hostage... it's my platoon leader~!") or create completely new characters and a "new" story ("They have a hostage... it's my mom~!"), or they can even alienate the little fans the movie has by turning the flick into a sci-fi action-horror ("They have a hostage... it's Mansquito~!") but the fact of the matter is, it's going to be the same fucking movie unless they find some way to create something really original. I think they'll end up shooting a prequel with way more than enough explosions to give Michael Bay's wet dreams a run for their money. Sounds like a plan! A really shitty one. The Marine 2: Marine Harder (please call it that, WWE) will at least have an explosive DVD cover, though:



At a recent indie show in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, a fan jumped the guard rail during a match featuring Al Snow taking on Randy Myers, and the asshole stole Head and jetted towards the exit. The guy... or girl (I'll bet it was that scary stalker chick, Ania!) tripped and fell two blocks away, and Head was safely returned to Al. The moral of the story here is that thieves never get a-Head in life. HAHAHA, SEE WHAT I DID THERE?! CSI's Grissom's got nothing on me when it comes to terrible puns. Oh, and Al won the match after J.D. Michaels interfered. Gold star for you, Al~!

Here's an absolute shocker: The gimmick of Kung Fu Naki was spawned from the mind of Funaki himself. He's been pitching this Kung Fu idea for several years, always showing up to WWE television with the same piece of paper listing all his ideas for the gimmick. When I asked my friend Katy why the hell "an Asian who knows Kung Fu" would need an entire piece of paper, she simply replied, "Maybe he writes big!" Smart girl, I tell ya. The thought of Funaki waving that paper around for years and getting shot down every time is hilarious. "But it even targets WWE's ideal demographic: 60-year-olds named Vincent Kennedy McMahon~!" Speaking of which, Vince was the one constantly passing on Funaki's ideas, but for some reason we've all finally gotten to, um, enjoy the masterpiece that is a Japanese man who knows the Chinese art of Kung Fu. Fantastic. I'll bet all the money in the world that Funaki's idea was way more elaborate and interesting, too, yet the 'Creative' team dumbed it down to 'I Just Listened to Kung Fu Fighting for the First Time" for the LAWLS that we've yet to have. At least when the nonhilarity runs its course and Funaki is thrusted back into his fucked up jobber-for-life situation, they can change his name to Sna Fu Naki.

I haven't been following TNA much since their whole Main Event Mafia feud seemed to become the only feud on the show, but I think I know enough about it to make a few observations. My first one is, what the fuck is it with TNA and Mafias? Wasn't the Voodoo Kin Mafia a bad enough name that sounded like they desperately sifted through a dictionary for something, ANYTHING, that fit the VKM initials? It's only a matter of time before Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin become the Motor City Mafia. Enough with the Mafias, TNA. Then there's the TNA Originals, who needed a name change quick because TNA wanted as many of their babyface ex-WWE'ers in the feud as possible. They finally settled with "TNA Frontline", which is the most laughable stable name of all time if you own a pet. One report states that one of the names tossed around for the former Originals was Team Ecstacy. Dear God, man. First of all, talk about the worst name ever for a group of people that is constantly reported to have low morale. What happened to naming them the Midcard Mafia, just to keep within the flow of things? God damn it, TNA, do I have to think of everything?

During the filming of a fight scene for an upcoming Sherlock Holmes flick, former Oddities and Truth Commission member Kurrgan accidentally knocked Robert Downey Jr. the hell out after a punch to the chin. Downey needed six stitches in his mouth as a result. I'd make a hilarious joke about how it's the most passion Kurrgan's ever put into a fight, but I never watched a single minute of his wrestling career, so what the hell would I know? I'll leave the Kurrgan jokes to Sean, I guess. Though, I'd think "I punched the shit out of Robert Downey Jr." makes for a fantastic story to tell around the fireplace during a Christmas get-together. Certainly beats "I used to walk fifteen miles to school in the snow, BAREFOOT~!"

Our least important news bit of the week belongs to Brutus Beefcake, who has been issued a cease and desist letter from WWE Legal after they found out he's been TAINTING the good Beefcake name on Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling. God damn it, WWE. Where's your holiday spirit? Like I said earlier, no one is watching CCW, so there's zero harm done in using the name. Maybe he should go by The Man With No Name again, or even better, The Zodiac! Would it make CCW a bit more entertaining? Yes, no, yes, no~! I'm voting on 'no'.



Welcome back to Hey Man, Nice Shoot! This week, I'm sitting down with a man who refuses to leave the comfort of his previous day job and fucking debut already. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you KIZARNY~! Hey, thanks for showing up, Kizarny; it's good to know that arriving to my little show here is a higher priority to you than earning your pay on Smackdown! So, since we basically know nothing about you, why don't you let the Shoot fans in on who you are?

Kizarny: Thizank yizou, Kizatherine~! My name is Kizarny! I izam a kizarny, frizom the kizarnival~! My hizobbies inclizude---

Alright, stop. Just stop. What the hell are you doing?

Kizarny: Spizeaking kizarny!

Yes, you're Kizarny.

Kizarny: Noooo, spizeaking kizarny!

Of course. Right on. Kizarny, what inspired you to leave your life at the carnival and join the Smackdown ranks?

Kizarny: Wizell---

No, without the gibberish.

Kizarny: Whizat?

Stop.

Kizarny: Aww, come on! The carny talk is what really sells the gimmick~!

Oh, is that was that shit is? Look, Kizarny, you've been doing the carny talk for, what, almost two months? And you've yet to debut.

Kizarny: That's not true! I wrestled Ryan Braddock~!

In a dark match. Anyway, your little promo vignettes have done nothing to show the wrestling fans who you really are. I mean, we know you're Kizarny and that you seem to know a lot about skeezers and beezles and bizzles and spizizzledizzles, but, if I may, I'm going to read you a small list of names you've been called since October: "fucking weirdo," "annoying," "Hizomo," "a car wreck," and perhaps the most offensive of them all, "Canadian." Kizarny, how do you feel about that?

Kizarny: ...Hizomo?

Hizomo.

Kizarny: ...man. That's the lamest shit I've ever heard in my entire life.

Hey, don't worry, Kizarny. I already said weeks ago that, once you start kicking ass on Smackdown, the Kizarny Bandwagon's going to fill the hell up faster than you can say "For shizzle dizzle!" You should even try to hire Snoop Dogg as your translator. It'll be awesome, I swear.

Kizarny: Really? I should?

Tizotally. Now, Kizarny, I have one final question for you. It looks as though once I called out Karen Angle on completely ripping off my awesome interview show, her anal-loving ass disappeared from TNA TV without a trace. Do you think it's a total coincidence, or did that thieving bitch finally come to her senses and left interviewing the wrestlers to a real professional?

Kizarny: Er... um... Karen who?

...

Kizarny: ...

...I like you, Kizarny. I'm definitely inviting you back someday when you're a big, huge Superstar with lots of money and cars and a forgettable U.S. Championship belt around your waist! That's all for this week's Nice Shoot; join me next week for more HARD-HITTING chatter with one of your favorite pro wrestling stars! Or least favorite. I tend to get those booked a lot more. I HAD ABYSS BEFORE YOU DID, KAREN ANGLE~! BITCH.

Thanks for reading this most obscenely late edition of Deadface, anonymous reader who's probably thinking about which porn site to peruse through after this paragraph ends! As always, feedback is greatly appreciated at the e-mail linked below or
via MySpace. It's got a spiffy, new Modest Mouse layout~! LET'S BE FRIENDS AND SUCH. And once we're friends, you'll be free to check out the TWF MAIN PAGE for all the fantastic updates of the week, including THE RETURN OF CANADIAN BACON. And you thought 2008 would be safe from the insane ramblings of TWF's resident retard! By the way, I'd like to declare the Baconman my arch-nemesis in my quest to become The Wrestling Fan's 2008 Writer of the Year. I WON'T LET YOU WIN, PORK BOY~!111 So myeh! Anyway, I'm Catherine, and I've got some Christmas shopping and shit to do.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).