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DEADFACE WALKING!: (11/15/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Good day, wrestling fans~! I'm Catherine and this is Deadface Walking, the Pulitzer Prize-winning internet wrestling column. Or not. I've gotta know; are you as absolutely disgusted by close-up face shots of Vladimir Kozlov as I am? I don't think I've ever laid my eyes upon such a rough-looking face in my life. I mean, I'd hate to wake up every morning, sloth my way into the bathroom and see Kozlov in the mirror. It's obvious why he beats people up for a living. I'm just saying. At least he's not proclaiming his love for Double Double Eeh as he SMILES. That smile is fodder for nightmares. Now, for those of you who didn't run away screaming at the mere thought of Kozlov's mug, let's begin~! Actually, I'd like to mention that since I had to write this column in a very short time (so I can get back to wasting my time on Psychology testing and whatnot), I only had time to write the news and not Nice Shoot. It'll be back next week, though, faster than you say Kung Fu Naki~!

Let's start off with some TNA news for once. TNA has announced that they are inviting Alaska governor and former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin to appear in their Final Resolution PPV as an "honorary" member of The Beautiful People. Son. Of. A. BITCH. Dixie Carter, TNA's president, is willing to personally fly Palin and her husband to Orlando for the event. It looks like TNA's trying to coax Palin into appearing with a $50,000 check made out to the charity of her choice. God... TNA... Why? Did they learn nothing from the fact that the media really didn't care that Pacman Jones, who was ALWAYS in the news at that time, was trying his hand at pro wrestling, much less in a wrestling company that most of the world has never heard of? I'm sure the boys in the back are real happy that they can't get a measly fucking raise, yet TNA will gladly shell out what should be their hard-earned cash to bring "celebrities" in. Charity starts at home, guys~! Think about that. Of course, I'm sure as hell that Palin's going to turn down TNA's offer (much to the relief of Joe the Samoan, I think), and then poor Traci Brooks will have to don a Palin hair-do and a
Martha Generic accent to the amusement of absolutely fucking no one. Then they can bring out a terrible John McCain impersonator and Big Fat Oily Guy for a big dance-a-thon~! It'll be totally awesome, except not at all. Oh, and then the show will garner a 1.0 rating... LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO.

Speaking of Traci, she will be guest starring (or maybe she already did; I don't have dates here) on some show called Rent-A-Goalie which airs on some network called Showcase. Traci is playing a character's new girlfiend who helps put a charity wrestling show together. Basically, Traci's boyfriend's best friend wants to get with Traci (which, I think, is the main plot of a lot of porn flicks), but he soon finds out that Traci has a penis. Yes, a penis. You read that correctly. I'm not entirely shocked with the Rent-A-Goalie casting director's decision to cast Traci as a he-she; she does have rather mannish features, and you always have to question the gender of a woman with boobs bigger than your head. It's a golden rule somewhere. What I am shocked about is the fact that no one even thought to cast ODB in the role! Don't they know the D in ODB stands for Drag? It doesn't? Oh... I could've sworn it did... I mean, does NO ONE see the resemblance to Carrot Top that I see?!

The word supposedly going around WWE last week was that Mike Adamle is really finished, though it's not really clear if its for the short term or for good. Both Adamle and WWE - and all of Raw's viewers - came to the conclusion that Adamle just isn't cut out to work in the wrestling industry. Some backstage also found it very fitting that he fucked his lines up so terribly on his last night. I couldn't agree more. I think the bigger 'shock' here is that WWE shoved him into what is arguably the most important on-screen role on Raw, knowing that his public speaking skills are shit straight of a rhino's ass. I've gotta admit, though, I really did want to hear Adamle say, "I will be handing in my resignation as General Manager of Raw... but coming up first - JOUST~!" Ah, what could have been... Well, either way, I can't say that I'll miss the guy, but it sure was nice laughing at him.

Since my last column, WWE's Future Endeavors Club welcomed six new members (or seven, if you want to include Adamle): Super Crazy, Paul London, Chuck Palumbo, Lena Yada Yada Yada, Kenny Dykstra, and Elijah Burke! I can't wait for Super Crazy's arrival to TNA: "IT'S REALLY INSANE, FORMERLY KNOWN AS SUPER CRAZY - BUT WHAT'S HE DOING IN THE iMPACT ZONE?!" All Palumbo really did for me was prove that it takes a special guy to make a gimmick work, and he was definitely not that guy. The Undertaker laughs at your failure, Palumbo~! I'm sure Kenny Dykstra will find his way back to WWE someday. You know what Kenny needs? Long hair. Yep. He'll look like a young Triple H, and who doesn't want a younger, more agile Trips in the Dub... besides Trips himself? I think Stephanie would love that. Besides, Kenny supposedly has Bret Hart's stamp of approval, so says Wikipedia (and Wikipedia would never lie to me!111). Burke's firing is pretty baffling considering he's got wrestling ability and skills on the mic, so I'm blaming WWE's Creative team for failing to do what they're paid to do (again). I'm sure there's a ton of people who are clamouring to see Paul London debut in TNA, and I wouldn't mind seeing that either. As far as Lena Yada goes, non-wrestling divas are expendable and easily replaceable, so who cares? Even Vince and Stephanie would agree; Lena was basically shitcanned because they thought she looked a lot like the soon-returning Gail Kim. I know the stereotype that all Asians rook arike look alike is hilarious and all, but I really see no resemblance. Why not fire most of the bleached blonde, big-breasted Divas, then? Quick, someone pull out the race card~! Is that everyone? Let's move on before someone else gets fired.

Last week, the Smackdown audience finally found out that Brie Bella has a twin! Just ignore that time when Brie and Nicole - or "Nikki" as WWE has named her - pulled a Stretch Armstrong (see what I did there?) and respectively crawled into and out of the ring at about the same time weeks ago... and the part where everyone already knew there was a twin. I mean... WHOA, TWINS! THAT MEANS TWO OF THEM~! Hooray for double the boobage! Speaking of Brie, her match against Victoria last week on Smackdown was heavily edited because it was "unbelievably bad" at the live show. Honestly, I think I would much rather have wanted to see the full shitfest. The match would've at least been more interesting than it came off to be on TV.

There's a story going around saying that Maryse's push has been reduced and passed onto Maria because of some sort of backstage heat with Michelle McCool. I usually don't care to report these backstage heat stories, because they're bullshit most of the time, but this one is pretty funny considering this is, I think, the third time I hear a story about a Diva getting pissed off at Michelle. Anyway, Maryse hasn't been on SmackDown much, and, as of this writing, hasn't appeared on TV since the 3rd. Personally, I don't care if all these brittle Diva Search leftovers are wiped off my TV screen forever because of Michelle. In fact, I'd consider that Michelle doing us a favor. If she can get rid of them all, you can go ahead and call me her number one fan. Three cheers for
McStarvin~!

This week's least interesting news bit goes to Shelly Martinez (or Salinas. Or Ariel), who was going to debut in Mexico's AAA promotion on the 24th until she called them up not only asking for more money, but to be put into a group with Aaron "Idol" Stevens and Beth Phoenix. Que? Those within the AAA were quoted as saying, "Quien the fuck es Bef Finocks?" Or perhaps that's just what I heard in my head. Either way, it looks like AAA and Shelly aren't contacting each other anymore. Oh well. Back to filming "tasteful" softcore porn~!

Unfortunately, that does it for this week's Deadface Walking. If you'd like to send feedback, you may do so via that giant e-mail link at the bottom of this page or you can add my
MySpace page and send me a message. BE MY FRIEND, KTHX. Now, if you'd like to check out some fully-written satire and recaps, look no further than TWF's main page, full of hilarious updates from Shane Steele, Nicole "Don't Call Me Mr." Cooper, Cameron Burge, THE NEILS - Neil McGilloway and Neil Cathan, James Swift, and Esben Evans! Also, make sure you check out the newly established TWF MEDIA PAGE, featuring the site's promotional ads and entries from TWF Forums' T-Shirt Photoshop thread, full of inappropriate and tasteless t-shirt designs for our favorite wrestlers! On that note, I think I'm done here. TOODLES~!

FILTHY FILTHY DINGY STINKY
XOXOXOXOXOXO

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).