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DEADFACE WALKING!: (10/31/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, READERS~! You can't afford to gas up your car, you're on the verge of losing your house, and your children fucking loathe you because not only did you forget to buy the candy and costumes, but you're not bothering with Christmas shopping this year! But at least there's always DEADFACE WALKING~! to read as you begin to question mortality. What? It's not Halloween anymore? God damn it. My name is Kizatherine, and I'm your esteemed hostess (hizostess?), back from a blatant no-show last week in which I had ended up questioning the future of Deadface. This shit's getting harder to write every week (thanks, college), especially on weeks where all the news I've collected consists of Sandman or Scott Hall getting drunk and some former Diva giving away crotchless panties or whatever on eBay. NOT INTERESTING. But, damn it, I'll keep chugging on~! Half the reason being because I can picture Sean Carless sitting at his computer, awaiting my column's arrival to his Hotmail inbox since last Thursday with a face that somewhat resembles THIS (side note: Holy shit, I damn near fell into that guy's nostrils) as he drums his fingertips on his fancy desk that smells of rich mahogany, and it makes me feel full of fail... and just a little scared... unless that's just how he watches questionable porn content. Anyway, enough of all that; let's begin~! By the way... enjoy lots of last week's news! BWAHAHAHA! What? I already had the photoshops made!

Say goodbye to Sports Entertainment, readers~! Vince McMahon has supposedly banned the use of the terms "Sports Entertainment", "Superstars", and "wrestlers" in favor, I guess, of just "Entertainment" and "Entertainers". How vague. I'll believe it when WWE literally takes the time to edit every instance of "Superstars" off of WWE.com, 'cause I'm even still hearing "Superstars" on TV. I guess WWE can get the F back in and name themselves the World Entertainment Federation. At least then Mike Adamle's "WEDF" botch will be 75% right. It also sounds a lot better than World Entertaining Entertainment. And since they're entertainers now, FUCK clowns at my future kids' birthday parties; I'm calling the WWE ENTERTAINERS to wrestle... er, I mean, ENTERTAIN in my backyard! I haven't been able to find much information on why we suddenly can't call people who wrestle wrestlers, or even Superstars, but I did hear something about WWE wanting to avoid some tax and whatever new wrestling laws the state of Georgia's got in the works. Honestly, why does this all matter? I'm still going to call them wrestlers, just like I've been doing since I first heard of WWE back in 1991... well, more like 1997, since from '91 to '92 I called wrestling "Hulk Hogan". I was 3 years old! Don't judge me! Anyway, my point is, it's just wrestling no matter what Vince calls it. Let's all keep in mind that, no matter what, the company's called World WRESTLING Entertainment, and there's just no getting around the fact that Vince owns a wrestling promotion, is there? Plus, I wrote this report last week and I have yet to see any instance of name changing.

The name Kimbo Slice has been brought up in WWE meetings. Allow me to give Vince a break here and answer for him: "NO." With all this news I've read of Vince wanting to show more realism in wrestling, the very last thing WWE should do is bring up a guy who's recently being looked at as a complete fraud after he lost an MMA bout (which everyone brags about as real) to a scrawny dude with pink hair. Again, that's "NO." Speaking of stupid ideas, the 10/13 episode of Raw which featured the terrible Knoxville skit was mostly Brian Gewirtz's idea. That's BRIAN GEWIRTZ, for all of you kids who like to pretend your Death Notes are real. Losers.

Evan Bourne suffered an injured ankle at the ECW tapings, and may be out up to four months, though Bourne's hoping he can work through it. I don't think I need to point out that this injury has worse timing than basically all of Mr. Kennedy's injuries. Hopefully this injury isn't too serious and Bourne can get back to flipping and flopping all over the ring in no time, because that match against Rey Mysterio on Monday night was pretty sweet.

Well, thanks a fucking lot, TNA. On TruTV's Court TV's (it's still Court TV to me, damn it!) 'The Smoking Gun Presents', viewers were treated to an episode dedicated to "The World's Dumbest Fans". Don't get ahead of me now~! Listed at #17 was TNA, particularly the Fans' Revenge Match between LAX and Beer Money. TSG basically aired some of the fans' video submissions, and their panel of comedians and whatnot ridiculed them. Actually, considering I really hate fan submission videos where they scream at the camera, that sounds like it was pretty awesome.To anyone who watched this episode, let me know if they were brutal. If having its fans ridiculed on national television isn't enough embarrassment for TNA, after the colossal FAILURE that is their iMPACT~! video game, Midway Games has lost almost double the cash they expected to lose during their third quarter. While Midway had first projected a loss of $34 million, they now expect to lose $64 million. I'm not too surprised, especially after reading that Midway really expected that game to drag them out of their financial rut. Here's a note for the future: don't expect the video game of a TV show that gets constant 1.0 ratings to make you lots of money. Ever. Anyway, if iMPACT~!'s sales continue to disappoint throughout the holiday season (which a lot of us expect already), Midway won't be releasing any future TNA games. And even if it does do well during the holidays, who's going to give a rat's ass when Midway goes out of business? Then again, they do have that Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe game coming out in November, which might keep the Midway boat afloat for a while longer. But I'm not counting on much.

This November 3rd, WWE will be celebrating their 800th episode of Monday Night Raw~! Hey, that's quite a milestone! Wait a minute... Why are we doing this again? Are we celebrating September's celebration now? Did they mistakenly celebrate the 799th episode and only just come to that realization about a month later? I can't wait to see this, if only to hear "Welcome, everyone, to Monday Night Raw's 800th episode~! What do you mean 'not again', fuckface?!" That Michael Cole's sure got a filthy mouth on him. STOP FUCKING SWEARING. Being advertised for this COLOSSAL celebration of a celebration is yet another damn reunion of D-Generation X against The In-Crowd, Miz and Morrison. Oooh, I wonder who's winning?!

Speaking of Raw, the ratings continue to slide! This week, Raw scored itself a final 2.89 rating with hours of 2.83 and 2.95. Like all failures, contrary to what the wholesome family show Full House would have you believe, this particular failure has to be blamed on somebody. Therefore, I blame Batista, but only because I'm beyond disgusted by that crazy patch of wrinkled skin on the back of his head. It's like he stole the skin of a Sharpei dog and stapled it to his cranium like a yarmulke! IT'S GROSS. Wear a fucking hat! Aw, who am I kidding? It's probably CM Punk's fault. Speaking of Punk, guess who I'm nominating for the PLUMMETING FASTER THAN A FAT GIRL OFF A CLIFF AWARD in this year's TWF Fanny Awards?

Why didn't anyone ever tell me about THIS?! This is one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. In fact, I'll go as far as to say that it's better than TNA's video game. There's nothing quite like beating the shit out of Kurt Angle with a foreign object.

You know, I'm still pretty shocked that Funaki won a match last Friday. I mean... he pinned MVP and everything... not that pinning MVP is so shocking anymore. Yet all it took was a name change to KUNG FU NAKI. Oh, and wrestling in Karate Gi (not even Kung Fu Gi!) and heading to the ring as a knock-off of Kung Fu Fighting played didn't hurt either, unless you include the hurting of Japanese pride (ya know, 'cause Kung Fu isn't even Japanese). Naki even did the Karate Kid crane kick before MVP was left staring up at the lights! All you had to do was sweep the fucking leg, Porter! If the Kung Fu Naki segment between Funaki and R-Truth wasn't a big indicator, Kung Fu Naki should thank the Lord that Vince finally got around to watching Rush Hour and The Karate Kid in one sitting. Now there's a guy who's up-to-date on what's hip in today's society~! Tune into Smackdown next week when Festus becomes Smackdown's new waterboy! At the very least, I'm just glad that R-Truth's Kung Fu Naki song didn't run long enough to end in tragedy:

Everybody loves Kung Fu Naki
He loves to eat teriyaki
His mom's name is Yamazaki
He survived Nagasaki... wait... I DIDN'T MEAN TO BRING THAT UP, KUNG. COME BAAACK~!

Speaking of which, Vince McMahon also just got around to watching Anchorman this past week, as noted on ECW on Sci-Fi. It's good to see that Vince has all this much-needed free time now that he can't feel his legs. "Paaauuuul... I need more popcorn, Paul!"

It's been revealed that WWE brought Tony Atlas in to positively influence Mark Henry, who would usually travel alone and had a reputation for eating poorly - but I'm not telling you anything you didn't already suspect right there. Atlas, who still trains "religiously" and eats healthy, now travels with Mizzark. That gives me a hilarious visual of Henry waiting on Atlas to go take a shit or something, just waiting with bated breath, so he can finally go raid the catering table. "Vince, I don't understand WHY Mark is still gaining weight~!" You know what Mizzark needs? A hilariously stereotypical MOMMA character, just like Shelton's momma! Actually, that would be terrible. Especially when they rehash Ernest Miller's Somebody Call Muh Momma song for him. Quick, hide all the Madea DVDs from Vince!

And now, your least interesting news bit of the week! WWE has signed Punk, of VH1's I Love New York "fame", to a developmental contract. Why? Will this lead to a feud with MTV whore The Miz over which channel plays less more music? Man, after you've dated an ugly woman who resembles Janice the Muppet (go ahead and Google that most uncanny resemblance), a career in pro wrestling must seem like a pretty easy transition.

The scheduled To Catch a Predator Shoot segment has been preempted in favor of some, uh, Halloween programming, and has been rescheduled for next week. In the meantime... enjoy~!

Welcome to Hey Man, Nice Shoot, live at this year's WWE company Halloween party! I'm Catherine, sporting a spiffy Elvira costume that my crew bought at the very last minute. The assholes. I wanted to be Nick Hogan in a prisoner jumpsuit... You don't want to know how I filled out the famous and ridiculously large Elvira bust. Anyway, this year's Halloween party is taking place at Vince McMahon's obscenely huge mansion, and anybody who's anybody is showing up... 'cause it's mandatory. And since it's my job to interview your favorite stars, let's see just how many we can chat with before somebody calls the cops on Michael Hayes! Oh look, here we have Raw General Manager, Mike Adamle! I'm surprised you were invited, Mike! Care to explain your costume?

Adamle: Well, Catheter--

Catherine.

Adamle: That's what I said; Catholic. Hey, nice jugs.

...just... nevermind, go ahead.

Adamle: Alright, well this year I'm a Las Vegas slot machine~!


That I can see... So I'm willing to bet that you haven't had a single thing to eat or drink since you put the costume on.

Adamle: That I haven't, Catacomb. I whole-heartedly regret putting this costume on, especially because my arm feels like it's died and stiffened from rigor mortis from holding it up nonstop for the last couple of hours.

That's quite the commitment to such a shitty costume.

Adamle: Hehe, yeah. Commitment's my middle name~!

And the only name you've pronounced correctly since WWE hired you! Hey, here comes Hardcore Holly! Hey, Bob, haven't seen your ass in ages. And you're wearing a Spongebob Squarepants costume...


Is this some sort of cry for help, Bob?

Holly: What're you tryin' to say? That I don't have enough of a cheerful disposition to enjoy the hilarious, knee-slapping antics of Spongebob Squarepants and his fishy friends?

Basically. But hey~! Don't get too upset; I hear Hornswoggle's ready to bob for apples inside the mansion!

Holly: Heh, awesome. And, hey, nice tits.

Ugh. Ass.

[MAGICAL SCENE CHANGE~! New setting: Vince's awesomely huge living room, where everyone's cheering on Hornswoggle to get some apples. Needless to say, Hornswoggle fails and falls into the unnecessarily enormous tub.]


Great Khali: Vince deeber coo yargh jooblah Hornswoggle nobblenarg!
Punjabi Translator Guy: The Great Khali says Vince made sure well in advance that the tub was large enough for Hornswoggle to fall into.

I can tell from how he's just about to piss himself from laughter. So, these costumes, I'd guess they don't really need much explanation. Dr. Frankenstein and the monster, right?

Khali: Dajibble garblegard bibbet, GREAAAAAAAAT KHAAAAAAALIIIIIII!!!
Punjabi Translator Guy: The Great Khali says there wasn't a single costume available in his size, so he had this little number custom-made.

And it's a perfect fit~!

Khali: Derka perblah blargh boobies!
Punjabi Translator Guy: The Great Khali says, speaking of perfect fit, you fill out that costume quite well.

...ugh. Bite me, pervert. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to walk away. Look, there's Stephanie and Triple H! Uh... great costumes?


Triple H: She picked 'em out... ugh.
Stephanie: Yeah, aren't they great? I think he looks very cute!
Triple H: Argh, Superman isn't supposed to be cute, Steph! And neither am I! You know what, Steph? I think you've forgotten just who the HELL I am. I'm the Game. The Cerebral Assassin, the King of Ki--

Yeah, my camera does not have the juice to hold an entire Triple H promo.

Triple H: Nonsense! Ahem. I'm the King of Kings. There is only one. I sell t-shirts covered in newspaper print for 25 bucks each. I might just start making t-shirts out of newspapers. But I digress. I'm a seven-time WWE Champion, and a five-time World Heavyweight Champion - and I might just add those together just to help beat out Ric Flair's record. I'm the 1997 King of the Ring. I won the 2002 Royal Rumble. I'm the second Grand Slam Champion. I'm currently training my kids to execute a Pedigree - I even hired Marty Garner to job to them.

Yeah, I'm going home.

Triple H: WAIT. There was something else I wanted to say... nice jugs.
Stephanie: WHAT?!
Triple H: Steph, come on, I can say that 'cause I'm edgy like in DX, remember?
Stephanie: Oh. Okay.

...yep. Definitely going home. Join me next week for another edition of Hey Man, Nice Shoot! And, Elvira? Fuck you and your tits.

Thanks for reading this obscenely late Deadface~! And since I've got an essay and an exam to get to, I'll make this incredibly short. FEEDBACK: to the e-mail below or HERE, grassy ass! Check out the TWF Staff's updates for this week; they're great, and you will be just as great if you take the time to read them. I'm Catherine, and like my supply of cheesy column-ending jokes that I'm sure everyone's heard already, I'm out! OH. And since this column was so obscenely late, allow me to make it up to you by posting a couple of WWE Zombies that I made after seeing WWE's efforts:

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).