Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

DEADFACE WALKING!: (10/03/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

...it's that time already? Well! Welcome back to Deadface Walking, the only wrestling column with a name not even I can interpret... so, um, enough with the e-mails on who or what a deadface is, m'kay? I'm Catherine Perez, your hostess and future owner of a self-made Brian Kendrick replica jacket. Rest assured that I'll be wearing one at WrestleMania. I'll either be the best dressed attendee or the lamest wrestling fan on the planet and maybe universe, especially if Kendrick's shitcanned before then. Then again, he's the man with a plan! And that plan obviously includes dancing his way into our hearts, in his underwear a la Risky Business, before hearing "YER FIIIIIRED~!" And with the loss of Stevie Richards from WWE, I've gotta support someone's employment! Sorry, Funaki. Anyway, let's get to the news!

Matt Hardy is reportedly dating Katie Lea Burchill. That dude really gets around, doesn't he? I'm thinking he snags these girls by getting on one knee and asking, "Will you be my rebound? ...I meant girlfriend. Really." I wonder if he's been calling them all Amy in bed since his break-up with Lita, which might explain why he's been going through so many break-ups since then, if he actually has dated the many women I've heard about. Maybe he's cursed like Dane Cook in Good Luck Chuck. You heard it here first, ladies and gay dudes! Sleep with Matt once, and the next guy you meet will be THE ONE~! I'm expecting more ring rats to be throwing themselves at Matt at every ECW show after this week. You're welcome, Mr. Veee-one-ahhh. Man, what the fuck am I doing bringing up a movie that I'm sure we'd all rather forget? Of course, this all most likely is a big, heaping helping of bullshit, thanks to this quote from Matt himself: "HA! There's the good old internet for ya! I am friends with Katie, but I have no idea how that rumor even got started! But to answer your question, no, I'm not. I'm totally single right now because nobody wants me." So there IS a curse~! I'd say "sucks to be you", but this guy at least gets girls. I've never had a boyfriend in my life... it's kind of tragic, only not at all.

As if my last column's report on X-Pac starting up a stable called DeGeneration Mex wasn't sad enough (and I'm still hoping that report is untrue), this week brings another report of former WCW and WWE wrestler Juventud Guerrera recently announcing that he was forming a stable of his own, with wrestlers Toscano and Intocable. That's right! Its name? ...sigh. The Sexicools. Clearly, someone needs to be rewarded for this absolute stroke of genius. Yet, who knows if the Sexicools will ever see the light of day, considering DA YOOS has been nearly blackballed from the Mexican promotion AAA because of his attitude and no-showing their TripleMania show - which, I hear, is what Triple H may call WrestleMania once Vince kicks the bucket. The whole thing is kind of tragic, though I'm sure Juvi can easily find a job with TNA using these simple words: "Hi, I used to work for WWE."

Speaking of wrestlers trying to milk off of long-gone past glory, Joey Mercury, formerly part of MNM with Melina and John Morrison, has been teasing returning to WWE by the end of the year at a few indie shows. He only recently worked an IWS show wearing his MNM outfit and heading to the ring with the MNM theme playing. According to WWE, Mercury's not scheduled to make a return, and is only saying he is to create a buzz for himself. Of course, they could just be denying it to keep Mercury's return as a surprise, but when the guy's biggest moment in the company involved getting his face obliterated by a ladder, why bother? Sure, he could go the John Morrison route and find a new gimmick that actually works, but I think he'll probably just get stuck with Melina again... then get fired again because Freddie Prinze Jr. and his starstruck co-workers couldn't think of anything for him. That sounds about right, doesn't it?

Since I mentioned Freddie, Vince McMahon wants his WWE Superstars to become better actors. Hey, finally, something we all can agree on! WWE has to meet the standards of the acting portrayed on regular TV shows, and a lot of wrestlers aren't too great at acting in backstage segments. I'll assume Vince came to this conclusion after watching Braden Walker work his magic. Unfortunately, Freddie Prinze Jr.'s new role, aside from being a writing assistant for Smackdown, is to try to teach the guys better acting skills. So don't be too shocked when all your favorite stars are suddenly performing on a level of fail on par with Freddie's performance in I Know What You Did Last Summer. I hear Paul London's taking actual acting lessons with actual acting coaches, too. Good for him~! But maybe it's not the acting that's a problem as much as it is the writing. It's kind of hard to commit to shitty dialogue, if I'm not mistaken. Just look at every Sci-Fi Original Movie ever.

Those of us without WWE 24/7... it seems we're missing out on the most awkward moment of all time. During the introduction to a WCCW show from 1983, Kevin Von Erich and Michael Hayes introduced themselves before going over what the show would cover. What should've been a simple "Hi, I'm Michael Hayes" turned into Hayes fucking up and calling himself Michael Von Erich. How does he do that? If there was ever a more appropriate opportunity to *FACEPALM*, this would be it. For the few of you who don't know, Kevin had a brother, Mike Von Erich, who committed suicide in 1987. Dear God, Hayes. Needless to say, Kevin looked uncomfortable for a bit before going on with the intro piece. I can hardly put into words how embarrassed I am for Hayes; 2008 is obviously not his year. Also from the Fucking Up My Lines department, this Monday night, during the Team Priceless match, Michael Cole called the company we've known as WWE since 2002... WWF. I don't even know how he managed that, after six or so years of saying WWE ad nauseam for 52+ broadcasts a year. EXPLAIN THIS TO ME, COLE, with your face that's been resembling a freshly-waxed poon since you shaved!

Christ, how fucking scary is Dolph Ziggler? He defeated D'Lo Brown in a dark match before Raw this past Monday in Minneapolis, but before the match, he picked up a mic and told the crowd, "I'm Dolph Ziggler," which got heavy boos from the crowd. After the match, Ziggler grabs the mic again and says, "I'm Dolph Ziggler... and it's nice to meet you." Yeah, that was his entire promo! What is this guy's DEAL? Who IS he? Yes, Dolph Ziggler, that I know. But who is he really? What's with the hair? Why does he look like Jor-El as played by Marlon Brando? "Hi, I'm Dolph Ziggler... and Krypton is doomed!!!" I'd probably mark out if he was paired with Layla El, but... holy shit, what a creepy guy. Keep him off my screen until he stops looking like a friendly neighborhood serial killer.

A word of warning: if you're going to a WWE show, don't bring Ric Flair-related signs. Or smart-ass signs. WWE is now confiscating signs related to Flair, so, yeah, don't bother making them. Also, if your sign features shit like "Urine Sample Please", "Make It Look Real", and "Kick His Ass, Sea Bass" (someone within WWE is obviously not a Dumb and Dumber fan), you run the risk of being kicked out of the arena like the two people who brought those exact signs. Honestly, I think the Sea Bass sign is hilarious, especially if it was directed at Bam Neely. But seriously, don't bring signs that the Dub considers controversial or offensive unless you want to miss the rest of the show. This isn't the Attitude Era anymore, damn it.

And, yeah, that looks like that's all there is as far as this week's newsworthy shit goes. Not even enough for a damn least important news bit... So, I guess to compensate, allow me to move along to a list. Here are, in no particular order, 35 things I'd rather do than have to witness an entire Great Khali vs. Vladimir Kozlov match:

35. Get a mammogram.
34. Quantum leap into Mike Adamle.
33. Change the Eraserhead Baby's diaper.
32. Sit through a Carrot Top stand-up show.
31. Gargle glass.
30. Watch a Uwe Boll movie marathon. Twice.
29. Rub my eyes out with sandpaper.
28. Shampoo my hair with battery acid.
27. Take a walk in Antarctica. Naked.
26. Watch Last Call with Carson Daly.
25. Tweeze my leg hairs.
24. Endure sexual assault at the hands of Dr. Phil.
23. Chant "USA! USA!" at an Al-Qaeda meeting.
22. Chug toilet water.
21. Let Snitsky fart into my mouth.
20. Debate politics with Gary Busey.
19. Pull my own endocrine system out of my body.
18. Type out the closed captioning for Tazz's commentary.
17. Have Don West scream sweet nothings into my ear.
16. Bathe the elderly.
15. Juggle elephants.
14. Braid A-Train's body hair.
13. Learn to speak fluent Latin.
12. Watch One Night In Chyna.
11. Drink boiling water.
10. Listen to an iPod full of Jonas Brothers tracks.
9. Star in Mansquito 2.
8. Shop for bras with JBL.
7. Witness a live birth in reverse.
6. Sky dive in a black hole.
5. Touch Lemmy Kilmister's nasty facial carbunkles.
4. Lick Lemmy Kilmister's nasty facial carbunkles.
3. Play Hide The Sausage with Festus. Wait... no, I wouldn't.
2. Learn braille using a waffle iron.
1. Swim in liquid hot magma.




[Vince McMahon enters the building where Hey Man, Nice Shoot is taped and struts his way over to the main desk. The receptionist doesn't bother to look up at him.]

McMahon: Ahem.
Receptionist: Uh-huh.
McMahon: ...Aren't you going to ask me who I'm here to see?
Receptionist: Uh-huh. I'll get right on that, dude.
McMahon: ...Well, I'm Vince McMahon, I'm here to see Catherine Perez about an interview. It's our third, you know. She must really enjoy my exciting stories about what goes on in and out of the squared circle~! I see she's gotten a new studio, too!
Receptionist: Uh-huh. Third floor, through the double doors, man.

[Vince raises an eyebrow at the receptionist, but continues on his way. Now that he thinks about it, the receptionist sure did look familiar...]

Receptionist, over the phone: Duuuude! Vinnie Mac's on his way!
???, on the other line: Excellent work, Rob. The Cheetos are in the back room.

[Vince reaches the third floor and steps out the elevator. He struts over to the double doors as he hums some really old '50s tune. I don't know, maybe Rags to Riches by Tony Bennett. Let's not get into specifics. Vince walks through the doors and finds himself standing in a room engulfed in total darkness.]

???: Glad you could make it, Vinnie Mac.
McMahon: What? Who's there?!
????: That's Vince McMahon questioning who is sitting merely inches in front of him!
?????: How does he not recognize the disturbing voice of Catherine Perez, Mike Tenay?
???: ...I hate you assholes.

[The lights come on, and Catherine is seated at a snazzy, expensive, important-looking desk. Many of TNA's employees are sitting around the enormous table with her, staring at Vince. Don West and Mike Tenay are seated at a little kids' table adjacent to the nice, big one.]

Catherine: Glad you could make it. Vince, please, have a seat.
Mike Tenay: That's VKM, Vincent Kennedy McMahon she's referring to!
Don West: VKM?! What's he doing in the iNTERVIEW Zone, Mike Tenay?!
Samoa Joe: Are we going to be listening to these two narrate our entire meeting? BECAUSE I WON'T ALLOW IT, CATHERINE!!!
Catherine: Dear God, okay! Vince, sit down.

[Vince reluctantly takes a seat at the center of the desk, in front of Catherine and beside Curry Man.]

Curry Man: Konnichiwa, bitch.
McMahon: Look, I don't know what exactly is going on here, but if we can please make it quick... I've got a flight heading up north in about an hour.
Tenay: "Up north"?! You don't mean the organization up north?!
West: He's gotta mean that "up north", Mike Tenay! We all know what goes on up north!
McMahon: ...right. What's the meaning of all this?
Catherine: Vince, I was called in by TNA officials to stage an interview with you, with the ultimate plan of finally locking you in a room with them. You see, they're here to talk business.

[Vince scratches his head and crosses his arms.]

Tenay: There must be a wave of unanswerable thoughts in Mr. McMahon's mind right now, broadcasting colleague Don West! What do you think he's going to say?
West: I don't know, Mike Tenay, but it won't hurt to find out!
McMahon: ...okay. Business, eh? What kind of business?
West: OH, WE'LL TELL YOU WHAT KIND OF BUSINESS, VINCE MCMAHON~!
Catherine: Don... shut up. Vince, perhaps it would be best to let the founder of TNA talk you through this one.
Kip James: Bring! Him! On, girlfrieeeeend~! *Z-snap*
Catherine: ...fuck off.

[Jeff Jarrett's music starts up, and Jarrett busts in through the double doors. For some reason, he's wearing his wrestling gear, and he's got his signature guitar in hand.]

Tenay: CAN IT BE?! IT IS!!! IT'S JEFF JARRETT!!!
West: WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE IN THE iNTERVIEW ZONE, MIKE TENAY?!
Jarrett: How about a little less screaming there, slapnuts? This is serious business!
ODB: Haha, yeah, serious business - ALRIIIGHT!
Tenay and West: Sorry, Jeff Jarrett...
McMahon: Alright, this absolutely ridiculous! Gentlemen, I'll show myself out.

[As he gets to his feet, Matt Morgan and Abyss shove Vince back into his seat.]

McMahon: On second thought, these seats are pretty comfortable... Italian leather, I presume?
West: Did you see that, Mike Tenay?
Tenay: I sure did, broadcasting colleague Don West! The sheer POWER of Matt Morgan and Abyss, breaking Vince McMahon's will to leave!
Samoa Joe: Tenay, West, your commentary right now IS NEITHER WANTED NOR NEEDED!!!
McMahon: May we please get on with this meeting?
Catherine: Yes, let's. I've got important interviews to tape.

[Jarrett sets a large briefcase on the desk and dramatically opens it to reveal absolutely nothing.]

Jarrett: Right, then.
McMahon: Well, what the hell is the briefcase for?
Jarrett: I just thought it'd be cool to do that. Mr. McMahon, we've brought you here today to ask a favor of you. You see, it's been about six years since TNA was first established, and uh... well, you haven't even accepted us as a legit threat to WWE yet. All we ask is that you acknowledge us as competition against your company. That's all.

Tenay: How will Vince McMahon, the evil owner of the organization up north, react to this?
West: I don't know, Mike Tenay, but it won't hurt to---
Samoa Joe: The fact that you already used that line IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE, DON WEST~!!111
Tenay: ...Samoa Joe referring to my broadcast colleague's piss-poor, repetitive commentary!

[Vince looks around the room, astonished at this merry gathering of losers. Some of them do look pretty familiar though. He stops and stares at Hector Guerrero.]

McMahon: ...EDDIE! My God! Randy Orton said you were in Hell, but I didn't think it'd be as bad as this! You're not looking so bad, you know... maybe a little rough around the edges.
Guerrero: Fuck you, esse! I'm Hector!
McMahon: Who?
Guerrero: Hector! I was... the Gobbledy Gooker...
McMahon: ...HAHAHAHAHA!
Everyone else: HAHAHAHAHA!
Jarrett: Alright, alright. Let's not change the subject. So what do you say, Vince?

[Vince thinks for a moment. Literally a moment. He then smiles.]

McMahon: No.
Everyone: WHAT?
Tenay: That slimeball! What a complete slimeball! Can you believe what's just unfolded here, Don West?!
West: UN-FREAKIN'-BELIEVABLE, MIKE TENAY! Vince McMahon is obviously a disturbed and demented individual, Mike Tenay! Is it time to sell DVDs yet, Mike Tenay?
Catherine: WELL! Any final words before we wrap this up, Vince?
Eric Young: Guys, I think there are poltergeists here.
McMahon: Of course. Gentlemen--
ODB: AHEM.
McMahon: And... more gentlemen... As you know, I'm the head of a billion-dollar organization. You guys... aren't. I MADE sports-entertainment what it is today. I've got stars like John Cena, Triple H, and The Undertaker. You guys... don't. I've got Wrestlemania. You guys have, uh... not Wrestlemania. There's no way I can consider your company a legitimate threat with a straight face. There's just... no chance in Hell. To be completely honest, I don't even know who the hell you people work for. I mean, really. What are you guys, some kind of WCW tribute show? You guys should be thanking me for keeping this business afloat. Now, if you'll all excuse me, I've got a flight to catch. I've got a big, expensive jet, you know. I'll assume you guys don't.

[Vince gets up and struts out of the room, reeking of pride, and laughing his ass off. Everyone else sits in complete silence.]

Catherine: Um... well, you assholes all saw that coming, I'm sure.
Tenay: OH YEAH, VINCE MCMAHON?! WE BOUGHT PACMAN JONES A WINNEBAGO, OKAY? A FUCKING WINNEBAGO!
Jarrett: He's gone, Mike. He's gone.
Robert Roode: I have money... damn it, I have money! I HAVE MONEY, TOO!!!
Everyone: RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE~!
West: HEY! I've got the perfect way to cheer everyone up, members of the TNA roster! How about my Deal of the Day?! Today I've got Lockdown 2008 - THIRTEEN COPIES OF IT, to be exact, all available for the low, low price of $4.99! Any takers? No? Well, fuck you guys, then.
ODB: Yeaaaaah, haha! Fuck you guys!
Samoa Joe: Now that I've sat through this meeting, this is probably THE WORST MEETING I'VE EVER SUFFERED THROUGH IN MY LIFE!!!
Curry Man: Wasabi.
Abyss: My therapist said... wasabi goes great with sashimi...
Curry Man: Ah, sashimi! Dericious!
Catherine: Well, my work is done here. I'm outta here; I've gotta take a trip to Hell and tape next week's interview with Edge. Later~!

And that is all for Deadface this week! Got questions or comments, or a question within a comment, or a comment within a question, or... whatever? Feedback may be sent using the link way below or
through MySpace~! BE MY FRIEND, PLZ~! Also, I don't think I have to tell you to check out the main page for this week's dose of wrestling hilarity, but I will anyway. So do yourselves that favor, or I'll probably call up Don West, give him your address, and send him to your residence to talk to you at length about his Deal of the Day. You don't want that, believe me. I think I'm done here. I'm Catherine, and like ODB's nutsack on a hot summer day, I'm out~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).