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DEADFACE WALKING!: (09/29/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Hey there, wrestling fans~! I'm Catherine and this is Deadface Walking, your consistently late source for news, newz, and senseless ramblings. What can I possibly say this week that hasn't been said before? Let's just get right into it.

At a recent iMPACT~! taping, Frank Trigg recognized a guy backstage who he knew from some gym in southern California, a guy he called Real Estate Steve because he owned a lot of property around there. Trigg wondered what the guy was doing backstage, until Real Estate Steve was seen talking to Kurt Angle. The confused Trigg figured Angle was looking to buy a house in California. Then, Trigg saw Steve walking around with his face painted. WOT WOT? Who let some crazy real estate guy walk around backstage with a face full of make-up? Someone call security! Lo and behold, Trigg figured out that Real Estate Steve is actually Sting. Yeah, that same guy who's been a huge wrestling star for a good chunk of almost 24 years. The conversation between those two must've been brutal:

Trigg: Holy shit, it's Real Estate Steve!
Sting: Heeeey... haven't heard that name in ages!
Trigg: Dude, what brings you to TNA? I'm a huge star here. [/blatant lie]
Sting: Uh... I work here. I only just wrestled a match.
Trigg: Say whaaaat? How long have you been doing the wrestling thing?
Sting: Twenty-four years this November. Yep.
Trigg: .....*Ass*

Hilarious story nonetheless. Even more hilarious is that Trigg's been in TNA for a while now and only just discovered the existence of Sting. Dear God, Trigg.

Former WWE Diva, and the toughest man to wear a dress, Vito LoGrasso was arrested last Sunday in Tampa, Florida. When will wrestlers learn to not cause trouble in Florida? Vito's now joined the ranks of Ted DiBiase, Jr., Santino Marella, Spirit Squad Mikey, Stu Sanders, Test, and Becky Bayless in the Booked By Hillsborough County Jail Club. Vito was charged with battery following a domestic violence incident. He obviously wanted to show his girl who wears the pants in... wait, nevermind. You can check out Vito's charge report HERE. Dude's got prettier eyebrows than I do, and that's just not right at all.

Edge is expected to be making his grand return in a few weeks. THANK. GOD. Hopefully we get some awesome Psycho Edge promo videos in the meantime. I'll even settle for Vickie getting a phone call from Edge - "I'M WATCHING YOU, VICKIE~!" I'd probably die from marking out so hard.

Kurt Angle, arguably TNA's biggest star, is calling for an end to TNA's endless gimmick matches, run-ins, and confusing match stipulations. Says Angle, "Being in TNA is exciting and frustrating at the same time. We’ve been doing a good job but what we need to do right now is to simplify things. We get a little bit too complicated with our gimmick matches and run-ins. I’ve spoken to the bookers, writers and owners of TNA and said: 'Listen. Wrestling is very simple, keep it simple.'" For a guy who's supposedly slowly going insane, how can Angle state the obvious and make himself look like the smartest guy in the company at the same time? "We call ourselves Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. We say: 'TNA – we are wrestling.' No we’re not. We’re fucking gimmick matches." Consider Kurt my favorite wrestler of the week. "Because when you have the youngest, best and most eager wrestlers it’s so easy to draw fans by just letting them wrestle." Now there's a novel idea! What is he, some kind of wizard? Check out the rest of this interview with The Sun HERE. TNA is now teasing a confrontation next Thursday between Angle and Jeff Jarrett, where Jarrett will be bringing this interview up 'cause he's supposedly legitimately pissed at Angle for dissing TNA. Make sure to cover your ears at the very end of that segment, because I guarantee that you don't want to hear Vince Russo blowing a load backstage at the sheer AWESOMENESS of seeing yet another worked shoot come to fruition.

On December 9th, and unfortunately not next May 19th to add dramatic effect, WWE is releasing their first Kane DVD, a three-disc set titled The Twisted, Disturbed Life of Kane. I don't know about you, but I like that title; there's nothing more appropriate for Glen Jacobs, who's had to deal with shitty storyline after shitty storyline under the Kane gimmick for almost 11 years. All I ask is that the DVD stick to kayfabe. Come on, you're a liar if you say you wouldn't enjoy hilarious reenactments of young Kane, played by the pudgy ginger kid from The Sandlot (dude's like 29 now, but he looks exactly the fucking same, which I guess is twisted and disturbing in itself) playing Tag with a young Undertaker, who could be played by the kid who played Damien in that remake of The Omen. I'd buy two copies, and I know you would too. Besides, just LOOK at the fantastic cover art:


On iMPACT~! this past Thursday, Matt Morgan told a babbling Abyss that he once conquered his fear of bears by wrestling, yes, WRESTLING a 500-pound grizzly. First of all, talk about disrespectful~! How dare he refer to Big Show that way? I'll bet Show saw that segment and locked himself in a hotel bathroom for hours, sobbing as he held his head in his frying pan hands! I expect TNA and Morgan to publicly apologize to poor Show by next week.

And now, a word from our sponsors~!


Prepare to cringe hard. A press release regarding a contest at the Olympia Weekend 2008 expo has called JBL, who's visiting the Vitamin Shoppe and Bodytech.com booth, a "well known hot bod". Yep, there's nothing we females enjoy more than a Hans-and-Franz-esque girly man with an ass like marshmallows and tits nice enough to get a guy to think to himself, "what a babe~!" if they weren't attached to Jibble's flabulous bod. I'm actually getting terrible mental images of JBL in his wrestling gear playing basketball in slow motion like in the Bod fragrance commercials. The press release also credited JBL as the longest reigning WWE Champion, which is wrong, wrong, wrong - though that 280-day Reign of Doom sure did FEEL that way, didn't it? The press release asks, "Who will be the 'Hot Bod' at the Olympia?" I can guarantee you it won't be Flabbajuana here. I'd pat myself on the back for creating the word Flabbajuana if it didn't sound so stupid.

Random thought: how fucking hilarious is Ashley Massaro's face scan for the upcoming Smackdown vs. Raw video game?


Yeah, she made the cut somehow. Not only does she look like a deer in headlights, a severed, tanned head attached to a man's neck, and a collagen disaster, but her stats are absolutely laughable. I won't go into specifics as that'd make me look like a "jelose h8er", as some of her fans call me, but for her strength and durability to be as high as they are when she's most comparable to Mr. Glass from Unbreakable is beyond funny to me. I think her stats are higher than Joy Giovanni's in the first... or second Smackdown game, but I'll admit that I liked Joy a whole lot more than I ever liked Ashley. It's true.

This week's least interesting news bit goes to AAA wrestler X-Pac, who will be forming a new stable at the Mexican promotion's next TV tapings. Their name? DeGeneration Mex. Pac... just... let it go. Please. It'll be better for all of us. I'd be pretty amused if Pac started joining companies in different states and shit and tried to start his own DX stables based on nationality. "Okay, so D-Mex didn't go so well, so now that I'm here in the fine state of Texas *CHEAP POP WOOOO*, say hello to DEGENERATION TEX~!" I'd mark out more for the impending cease and desist letter from WWE.


[The reanimated corpse of Unsolved Mysteries' Robert Stack emerges from a thick mass of smoke. The ever-scary Unsolved Mysteries theme plays in the background, as you probably shit your frilly panties.]

Stack: When we last left off, "Hey Man, Nice Shoot" star Catherine Perez set out to investigate the strange circumstances surrounding the disappearance of Rey Mysterio. Mysterio, who had been beaten to the point of having to question whether he was alive or dead, is now entertaining his fans once again with a clean bill of health. What really happened to professional wrestling's favorite masked man-child? Also, an update: an anonymously sent videotape may help solve this mystery once and for all.

[We cut to a reenactment of Kane, as played by Private Pyle from Full Metal Jacket, chokeslamming Rey Mysterio, now played by Warwick Davis because Verne Troyer showed up to work drunk and naked. "Mysterio" slams through the ring and the floor under it, landing in a downstairs bathroom stall.]

Kane: I really did maim Rey to the point of no return! This is why no one takes me seriously anymore... because Rey couldn't bother to at least tape his ribs up! Who does he think he is, anyway? I'm the Big Red fucking Machine!
Catherine: The entire planet has good reason to not believe you, Kane; he doesn't have a single scratch on him!
Kane: I BROKE HIM PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY. SO MYEH.
Catherine: But--
Kane: MYEH!!!

Stack, voiceover: Mysterio, however, doesn't deny Kane's claims.

Mysterio: Kane... he sent me straight to Hell...
Catherine: Did you see Edge there?
Mysterio: Actually, I did. He says hi. But anyway... Kane... he broke my spirit... [Looking towards the camera.] But if you think you can break it again... well, I'll break yours sooner~!
Catherine: Well, what the hell did he do to you?
Mysterio: He... he broke my spirit.
Catherine: Yes, but how?
Mysterio: Like... in a breaking fashion. He broke it.

Stack: But what did he mean by breaking his spirit? We sat down with an anonymous former Smackdown commentator, who will be known as Maggle for the duration of this broadcast, to perhaps gain some insight into what Kane might have done to Mysterio... by speaking about the time he was kidnapped and possibly raped by a crazed wrestler himself.

Maggle, while shrouded in darkness: Oh my... it was horrible... he executed textbook maneuvers all over me... It was vintage Heidenreich...
Catherine: Can you point out on this doll where he touched you?
Maggle: No... I don't want to talk about it anymore...
Catherine: That's okay, Michael... shit, I mean... Maggle, and not Michael Cole, Monday Night Raw commentator. What do you think might have happened to Rey Mysterio after Kane kidnapped him?
Maggle: If it's anything like what happened to me... [he chokes up and starts crying like a little bitch.]

[Cut to Catherine sitting with Kane.]

Catherine: Point blank... did you fuck Rey Mysterio?
Kane: Catherine, I don't know if you remember this small snippet of information from the oft-revised story of my life, but my dick is burnt like an Oscar Meyer weiner over a gas stove flame.
Catherine: ...ew.
Kane: So, yeah, there's no way that could even happen.
Catherine: Didn't you fuck Katie Vick? Okay, why can't you just tell me what the hell really happened between you and Rey?
Kane: Why don't you ask Evan Bourne... HAHAHAHA!
Catherine: ...

[Cut to a reenactment of Catherine (Janeane Garofalo, unfortunately) slapping the hell out of Bourne, as played by Mark Wahlberg.]

Stack: After several hours of questioning Evan Bourne, Catherine had finally gotten some information out of him.

"Catherine": TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW~!
"Bourne": Okay, okay! Kane hired me to distract Rey so he'd be easier to kidnap. Rey's a little dude, you know! He plays possum with the best of 'em! Luckily, I defied the odds, 'cause I defy gravity.
"Catherine": You defy gravity, yes, I've heard. So you distracted Rey, I guess in a parking lot because that's where all the crazy shit goes down in WWE, and then what?
"Bourne": ...uh... last thing I remember, Rey and I are like best friends now.
"Catherine": SON OF A BITCH.

[The interview room suddenly fills with smoke as Stack emerges from it. "Catherine" and "Bourne" begin to cough endlessly before passing out from lack of oxygen.]

Stack: Continuity be damned! Perhaps Catherine will never know what truly happened to our favorite Mexican man-child.

[Crazily enough, another Robert Stack walks in from the opposite direction the first Stack walked through. What the fuck.]

Stack 2: UPDATE~! A mysterious videotape sent in by a man we will call Bob Holly for anonymity purposes reveals the truth behind Rey Mysterio's disappearance!
Stack 1: ...who the fuck are you?

[We cut to footage of Kane and Mysterio in WWE's oft-forgotten boiler room. Mysterio is chained to a large pipe as Kane laughs maniacally for what seems like hours.]

Kane: Hahahahaha! I'm going to break you, Rey!
Mysterio: What'd I ever do to you?
Kane: You hide behind a mask! And, um, despite the fact that I haven't really given much of a fuck about my own mask since about 2003, and the fact that it's never really bothered me that you've worn a mask for your entire WWE career, THE FACT THAT YOU HIDE BEHIND A MASK SUDDENLY PISSES ME OFF. Prepare to be broken!
Mysterio: ...if you think you can get away with this, Kane... think again! 'Cause soon, I'll think you can... no... I'll think I can get away with... um... man, I'll just do the same thing to you!
Kane: SHUT UP~! Here it goes. I'm totally going to break you. [Kane pulls out a book of... insults?!] Hehe, this one's pretty funny: I called your boyfriend gay... and he hit me with his purse! HAHAHAHA!
Mysterio: ...what?
Kane: I SAID SHUT UP. Hehe, how about this next one: Hey... hey, Rey, what's that ugly thing growing out of your neck? Oh, it's your head. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, oh, how about this: Rey, you're so short, you'd need to grow another six inches to qualify for a Napoleon Complex! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!1111 OH WAIT, WAIT, THIS ONE'S REALLY GOOD: Hey, Rey, what sex position makes the ugliest kids?
Mysterio: Um...
Kane: I don't know, why don't you go ask your mom? HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA! Oh, this is good! We're going to have a lot of fun maiming your psyche!

[The tape has enough footage of Kane insulting Mysterio to last for weeks. Well, looks like it's now safe to say CASE CLOSED~!]

And that's a wrap on Deadface! Thanks to WWE for writing such a plot hole-infested storyline for me to write a tribute to Unsolved Mysteries with! Let's hope the real reason behind Rey-Rey's disappearance isn't as stupid as what I've written. Then again, they'll probably just steal my idea now, seeing as I've basically finished writing the damn storyline at this point. Why don't I have a job with WWE Creative? Now, I've got four consecutive Algebra and Psychology exams to get to, so I'll make this short and sweet. Feedback: it's appreciated and it goes to the e-mail address below and RIGHT HERE. You should also check out the main page for the Staff's updates! Why? Well... rumor has it that if you read them all from beginning to end, you win $700 billion~! SO GET RIGHT ON THAT BEFORE I DO. I'm Catherine, and, much like that embarrassing boner you inexplicably get at the mere mention of Amy Winehouse, I'm out~! Warning: the picture behind that link may cause irreparable damage to your dreams. Don't say I didn't warn you.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).