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DEADFACE WALKING!: (09/11/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back to the 60th edition of Deadface Walking~! I'm still having a bit of a hard time juggling this column, work, college, my graphic design service side-project, and pretty much everyday life, but I'll be damned if I don't get to write about something I actually give a fuck about... so here I am! In case you missed my name in a real huge font up there, I'm Catherine Perez. First, I'd like to share a picture of Chris Jericho that had me die of a fit of laughter because his face reminded me of incredibly pale comedian Jim Gaffigan, or a chubby bully at the playground shouting, "MINE~!" Secondly, who knew that Charlie Haas would get what may just have been the biggest pop of his career when he took on the persona of the most boring guy in WWE, thus giving birth to CHL? CHL rules. JBL? Not so much. You know you at least cracked a smile when the chauffeur let Haas out of the limo's trunk. Next stop: HAASTISTA! Then maybe CH Punk.

Joining WWE and Team Priceless in their wacky second-generation shenanigans is MANU, Wild Samoan Afa's kid. With hair like Carlito's, a face like a Mexican Big Show, and a name sounding like a famous Mork and Mindy catchphrase, Manu comes to us from Samoa... heeeey, waaaait a minute! How can this possibly be, when WWE has insisted for YEARS that all Samoans, though living in modern times, are still uneducated savages with large, hard-as-coconut heads and deadly thumbs? They couldn't possibly have LIED to us, could they?! I'm just glad the guy avoided being handed a "Big Show's little brother' gimmick. Small Show would've been as over as a mass contraction of AIDS, I assure you. And while Manu looks absolutely out of place in Team Priceless, I think he'll do just fine. Unless he gets fired. Then you can disregard that sentence.

WARNING: RANT AHEAD~! How many of you have seen that
video of Braden Walk--- uh, Chris Harris talking about how WWE took away his passion for wrestling? Didn't he only work with WWE for two fucking weeks? I can definitely understand the guy's dreams being crushed after an incredibly short stint in the biggest promotion in pro wrestling, but I think a whole lot of us can agree that Vince didn't screw Chris; Chris screwed Chris. You don't show up to WWE in the worst shape you've ever been in and not expect to be given a porn star stage name and the blandest gimmick ever. Of course, we can also put blame on the Creative Team; it's like ever since Freddie Prinze Jr. showed up, the team's been so starstruck that they can't think of decent names or gimmicks anymore. They say it's because they're unmotivated by the entire wave of new wrestlers, which is the same as any of you readers showing up to work and telling the boss, "Eh, sorry, I'm just really not into any of my workload this week. Here, try to make something of the quarter-assed fruits of my labor." Either way, Harris needs to quit moping around like his life is over, lose some damn weight, work on his microphone skills, and plow through the indies like he's showing WWE exactly what they're missing out on (which isn't much if he continues on his path of emoness). At least, if anything, the Braden Walker Tragedy motivated me to stick to my NutriSystem diet. So let's review: what does showing up to WWE events while fat get you? That's right; a handshake from Matt Hardy - and thousands of Hardy fangirls can attest to this. Hell, I'm FAR from being in top physical shape, but I'm not the one trying to land a job as a wrestler while wearing Granny's one-piece bathing suit, am I? On a really random note, this rant led me to fondly remember Chris Farley singing 'Fat Guy in a Little Coat' in Tommy Boy. Richard, what's haaaappening?! Yeah, you love it.

In the most ridiculous, potentially bullshit-filled report I've ever read, there's supposedly heat on TRIPLE FUCKING H for going out of his way to emasculate guys like MVP and Shelton Benjamin on TV. While I have noticed Trips being a condescending mega dick to the two, especially during his promo about how a promo works, I was of the belief that Trips is, uh, playing a character. So, as the story goes, a lot of the wrestlers are upset, mostly about that very promo, and have complained to The Undertaker. Take a second to picture the hilarity that is a bunch of your favorite wrestlers complaining to Undertaker like he's a June Cleaver type of mom... only Mrs. Cleaver wouldn't tape her fists to show she means business. And like Mrs. Cleaver probably would, Undertaker supposedly agrees with the guys and understands how they feel, and there's a belief that there will be a showdown between Trips and Taker over Trips's treatment of the boys. What the hell am I doing referencing a show from the fucking '50s, as if you're all going to laugh heartily and nod your heads as you reminisce on all your favorite Leave It To Beaver episodes? I digress. On top of all this, there's another belief that Triple H wants payback for his loss against Undertaker from Wrestlemania 17, and is pushing for a Wrestlemania rematch. Is Trips really that petty to try to avenge an 8-year-old loss? Can this story seriously be true? It had to have come from somewhere, but it just seems so far-fetched. Who gets upset at a guy for following a scripted promo? Promos are scripted, aren't they? You didn't see Jeff Hardy cry over MVP's comments about Jeff's meth lab explosion tragic fire, and not a meth lab explosion in the very least! Although, that shit was pretty fucking insensitive to even allow onto the script. Then again, we've all heard a lot of things over the years about both Trips's politicking and Undertaker's untouchable, father- (mother-?)like status in the locker room... but I think I'll take this story with a grain of salt. It's shit like this that really calls for a new WWE behind-the-scenes show or something. I'll definitely take a Trips/Taker Wrestlemania match, though, since I'll be there to witness it and all. What, me brag? HOLYSHITI'MGOINGTOWRESTLEMANIA I would never.

Here's some more ridiculous Triple H-related news: Michelle McCool doesn't do her move, the Wings of Love, anymore because the setup "closely resembles" the Pedigree, and since Trips is on Smackdown now, all Trips-like shenanigans not from Trips himself must CEASE~! If that last thing I reported is true at all, Michelle will use her new-found backstage stroke as Undertaker's main squeeze to get that problem solved ASAP. I think the more obvious reason Michelle probably doesn't execute that move anymore is because her wrestling ability is severely limited and she can very easily drop a bitch on her damn head, and who really wants to see a ton of signs that say "Is Michelle McCool gonna have to drop a bitch?" on TV? Besides all that, the lifting sit-out double underhook facebuster is probably my favorite move in all of wrestling, and watching Michelle do it just made me cringe. So let it be known that double underhook facebusters of any kind are hereby BANNED for every wrestler but Triple H. Nyeh-nyeh-nyeh. Oh, and I did read somewhere that Undertaker has been telling people that, since getting with Michelle, he's never been more in love. The Undertaker... in love... Christ, that's just hard to picture.

Ashley Massaro, who just refuses to go away, has plans to release a CD soon. Yes, a music CD, if what she makes can even be considered such. What can I even say about this, other than it's going to give Randy Savage's "Be A Man" a run for its money? Luckily, I've got a totally not made up, honest to goodness track listing of this future release... and would I lie to you? Probably.



1. The Night He Called Me Lita
2. Tainted Taint
3. I'll Wrestle You (For $25,000)
4. Livin' La Vida Escort
5. Listening to Metal in My Sleep (I'm So Hardcore)
6. Who's Mildred Burke?
7. Dirty Dirty
8. XOXOXOXOXO
9. Kicked Off Survivor
10. Daughter? What Daught-- Oh

Clearly, this is one CD you'll want to rush out and buy once it's out. Rolling Stone magazine has already called it "the best coaster set money can buy! The fuck you mean it's not a coaster set? Well let me get my coffee off that shit before it scratches, then." Buy now, and you'll get an exclusive bonus track, "I'm Not A Tranny (Just Ask Hugh Hefner)"!

For those of you who watched Raw this past Monday, I'm sure you all noticed the following:



I'm sure none of you made anything of it because, well, who pays attention to those auto-fellating trivia bumpers? Anyway, The Simpsons, Seinfeld, and ER have a combined episode count of 909 (and counting, 'cause I guess The Simpsons still airs), which is 111 more than Raw's episode count of 798 (and counting), so whoever wrote that shit is, to quote Lex Luthor in Superman Returns, "WROOOOOOOONG!!!11111" Way to go, you lying liars. And that's your least interesting news bit of the week.



Hello once again, Shoot fans~! This week I'm sitting here with the saddest thing in wrestling today, Hacksaw Jim Duggan!

Duggan: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Thanks for being here, Mr. Dugg--

Duggan: USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Um... Hacksaw?

Duggan: [Stomping around the entire set like an idiot] USA! USA! USA! USA!

SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN. GAWD.

Duggan: ...

Thank you. Hacksaw, thanks for taking the time to sit down and chat with me. I'm sure you've got a very busy schedule and whatnot, so, yeah, thanks.

Duggan: Wait, who the hell are you? I thought this was a secret meeting with TNA officials!

Well, we had to lure you here somehow after we found out that you don't do interviews with anyone under the age of "old" after that verbal beatdown Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase Jr. gave you on Raw.

Duggan: Pfft, the spoiled brats. How old are you?

...uh... 20.

Duggan: Damn kids with your damn Atari and your Swatches!

...yeah. But, come on, Don West loves me, so you can consider me a TNA official.

Don West: See you at the Olive Garden tomorrow night, Catherine Perez~!

Mhm, sure. So, I'd think it's safe to say, Hacksaw, that your heyday came and went before I was even potty trained. What would you consider your biggest pro wrestling accomplishment?

Duggan: I knocked Yokozuna on his giant ass in '93! Actually, no, I've done better things than that... I'm the first-ever Royal Rumble winner! And I captained the first-ever Survivor Series team winners before that!

Hey, that is impressive! And you've got an impressive WCW resumé, too! According to my notes, you've wrestled Vader... and lost. Then you went on to wrestle Bunkhouse Buck, whoever that is... and you wrestled Meng! That's pretty cool. And you lost.

Duggan: ...

You've feuded with Big Bubba Rogers... lost... with Diamond Dallas Page... lost... VK Wallstreet... lost... Kamala... lost... Hacksaw, what the hell?

Duggan: What?

What's with all the losses?! Nevermind, I won't count these against you; WCW's practically been erased from history anyway. So you've survived kidney cancer! That's awesome; congrats on that!

Duggan: Thanks!

Then you returned to WCW and lost to Berlyn. Then Vince Russo, being the asshole he is, he decides that you need to be rehauled as a fucking janitor. Dear God. Let's just move on to your return to WWE. Since you came back in 2005, you've teamed with everyone's favorite retard, Eugene... and... let's fast-forward to last year. You teamed with Super Crazy and handed wrestling fans something that will be remembered as the absolute worst promo of all fucking time: "Ho! Si!" Let's play a clip of that.

Duggan: HOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Super Crazy: SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!
Duggan: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Super Crazy: SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!
Duggan: HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Super Crazy: SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!
Duggan: HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Super Crazy: SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!

Duggan: Come on, the kids loved it!

I don't know what dimension you thought you were in, but here, the crowd couldn't have been deader unless they were all hanging from the rafters. So, you haven't exactly been seen much on TV this year, but over the summer, Ted DiBiase Jr. and Cody Rhodes nearly convinced you to retire because, to be blunt, since Ric Flair's left, you're officially the oldest guy on the WWE talent payroll. Of course, Jerry Lawler - four years your senior - convinced you to stay, and then you both wrestled Team Priceless... and, surprise surprise... you both lost.

Duggan: Say, where're you from?

Um... Puerto Rico.

Duggan: I knew it! You're just an un-American SWINE.

I was born in Massachusetts!

Duggan: You're just as un-American as Rhodes and DiBiase! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Rhodes and DiBiase are American, you ass!

Duggan: USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

[Before long, every crew member in the studio is chanting with Duggan for no fucking reason.]

Fucking traitors! Every single one of you! You're all fired! You hear me?! FIRED. You can kiss that employee cruise around the Caribbean goodbye!

Everyone: USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Fuckholes. Join me next week for a special edition of Hey Man, Nice Shoot; we're going to find out what REALLY happened between Rey Mysterio and Kane - and by 'we', I mean NOT THIS FIRED-ASS STAFF.

Thanks for reading Deadface and not clawing at your eyes with sandpaper or anything! I'm feeling pretty good about this week's update, so send me some
feedback via MySpace or e-mail (link is below) if you enjoyed it. Or didn't. I don't mind hate mail. Anyway, make sure to check out The Wrestling Fan's main page for even more splendiferous and fantastical updates from the rest of our highly esteemed staff! And like Stephen Hawking in a Dance Dance Revolution contest, I'm out~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).