Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

DEADFACE WALKING!: (09/08/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

And so, another week of Deadface Walking begins! As always, I'm your hostess, Catherine Perez. Unfortunately, summer vacation is over, and classes have commenced once again. Since I'm so lazy, I've decided to take online classes this semester, but I'll be damned if that shit isn't harder than sitting in an actual classroom. And since when is Psychology required for a Graphic Design degree?! Egh. Let's begin.

"They're not just the coolest, they're not just the best, they're... they're just fucking breadsticks. Leave me alone." Yes, there's a rumor floating around about former ECW World Heavyweight Champion Justin Credible working at the Olive Garden in Waterbury, Connecticut, as a breadstick baker. And after being completely shitcanned from WWE, why shouldn't he? I'll bet they love him at the Garden. After all, when he's there, he's family. He probably even shapes his breadsticks into little Singapore canes. How awesome. On a serious note, I'm sure he'd be absolutely embarrassed to find that everyone knows where he works now, 'cause shit like this doesn't need to be public knowledge, so let me be the first to say I'M PROUD OF YOU, JUSTIN CREDIBLE. He has a higher-paying job than I do at the moment, and for that, well, good for him. I can't wait to hear about Sabu working at the Bugaboo Creek Steak House.

Shawn Michaels suffered a torn triceps muscle during Raw's contract signing between him and Chris Jericho, possibly making history as the first wrestler to ever tear anything at a contract signing after he
FAILED his way onto the floor outside of the ring while trying to dive onto Jericho. You'll also notice in that GIF that Jericho shimmied out of the way like a crab, which makes me just about die laughing. See what happens when you don't take your doctor's advice, Michaels? You'd think Jericho was out to get the guy for real. Michaels is planning to wrestle Jericho as scheduled, probably because, after so many career-threatening injuries and misplacing his smile and all that, no one believes he's ever really injured anymore. He's the Boy Who Cried OHSHITMYARM~! And somewhere, Bret Hart is placing his HBK voodoo doll in the pocket of his genie pants as he smiles real big. One report states that the tear was minor and won't be needing any surgery, but I guess we can find out what's really up on Sunday, since there are so many conflicting reports out there.

Nevermind the picture; that's just what her entrance reminds me of. Once again, we can RAISE OUR HANDS UP, RAISE OUR HANDS UP, RAISE OUR HANDS UP, for Candice Michelle has returned to Raw to continue to show you what love is, and to show you how to move your body, move your body, move-a, move-a, move-a, move-a (HOOOOONK). Good thing she made her return on RAW IS TAPED, because most of the universe was spared from her Ashley Massaro-style wrestling prowess during
one portion of the match. Dear God.

Vince McMahon was upset about R-Truth's debut on Smackdown last week, because Truth wrestled a balanced match - which is how road agents booked it to be - when Vince had wanted him to squash his opponent. Really? If I were Vince, I'd be far more upset at Truth's dancing. I'm upset over the fact that Vince looked at Truth and didn't ask, "Say, when did we break Cryme Tyme up?"

I'm sure most of you have heard that wrestlers have to strip from the chest down to submit piss tests, thanks to certain guys using fake dicks. I still constantly crack up over that. Understandably, some wrestlers tend to get a little pissed about that and supposedly take their frustrations out on the piss testers. MVP upset members of WWE management after making fun of one of the piss testing guys who watches all our favorite wrestlers piss in a cup while bare-ass naked. It was something about the guy taking four years of college just to look at peoples' junk. The guy complained to Johnny Ace, which got a locker room meeting where Ace indirectly addressed the situation by telling the wrestlers to respect the testers' authori-tay. Since then, some officials have been giving MVP the cold shoulder, and the opinion of him suddenly is that he doesn't know how to get heat as a heel. I'd say he did a hell of a good job at that considering what I'm reporting to you, don't you agree? MVP's been told to work with Shelton Benjamin, who still struggles with promos, on how to work as an effective heel - this being because people backstage enjoyed Shelton's smile as he hit the Paydirt on MVP last Friday. Wait. When the hell was Shelton fucking Benjamin ever an effective heel? I don't exactly remember any crowd of thousands of people booing or jeering the shit out of the guy on a weekly basis. Was Shelton part of Smackdown's feud of the year last year, as voted by, uh, three or four TWF staffers at the '07 Fannies? I think not.

And here's your least interesting news bit of the week~! The latest edition of Santino's Casa shows that there's a feud building between Santino Marella and gossip blogger/whore, pseudo-celebrity, vainglorious prostitute for attention, and professional starfucker, Perez Hilton. Who fucking cares?! If Perez's track record is any indication, he'll later meet up with Santino, get to know him, then return to his website to talk about how BFF-like they are. I may get some shit for hating on Perez, especially considering that I'm essentially a gossip blogger here at TWF, but that's clearly where the similarities end. Well, there's the Perez name, too. He can use the name all he wants for now, but come this Sunday... I'll be needing it back. Speaking of which...



Welcome back to Hey Man, Nice Shoot! My guest this week is a guy with a grudge against basketballs, cancer, and cancerous wives who don't clean his house. Please welcome back BATISTA~! Nice to see you, Dave. Thanks for not bringing Josey Scott from Saliva with you this time.

Batista: You think I didn't bring Josey Scott from Saliva with me this time? 'Cause you're wrong. Unfortunately, this week, I don't walk alone.
Josey: I'M ON THE SHOOOOOOOOOOOW!!! YEAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Ugh, not this shit again. Where the hell did you come from?

Josey: I snuck into Batista's luggage.

There's no way you'd fit in there. Well, do you mind going away?

Josey: Yes. I have nothing better to do.
Batista: You think you have nothing better to do? Think again. Get me some coffee or something.
Josey: What am I, your slave? I'm Josey fucking Scott from Saliva. I sang a song with Chad Kroeger from Nickelback. I'M NOT YOUR HOOOOOOOOOO~! HOO-UH!!!

This interview's already taking a turn for the worst, and I haven't even asked a question yet! So, Dave, since your last appearance, I've been thinking... you're a physically fit guy, you've got muscles over your muscles and all that... what's so special about you walking a mile in a pit of danger? A guy of your build can jog a mile in about 8 minutes, right? So is the pit of danger a metaphor for all your wrestling matches? 'Cause they do tend to last about 8 minutes on average.

Batista: You say my matches last about 8 minutes on average? I'll have you know that they don't.
Josey: HE SAID THEY DOOOOOOOON'T~!

Josey, shut the fuck up.

Josey: Okay.

Alright, Dave, explain your being a babyface yet having the demeanor of the biggest asshole on the planet.

Batista: You think I'm an asshole? If being an asshole means I get a title shot, so be it.

Speaking of which~! How the hell are you still getting title matches and rematches at every single pay-per-view event?

Batista: Catherine, I've made it pretty clear that the World Heavyweight Title is mine, and when I say that I'll be needing it back this Sunday or any Sunday, I MEAN it.

So why didn't you pin Edge when you had the chance? Why let CM Punk take the belt?

Josey: SHE'S GOT A POOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINT--- I'll stop.
Batista: You say you're going to stop? I don't believe you. As a matter of fact, if you don't stop, I'm going to have to kick... your... ASS~!

You damn well should! Why do you insist on bringing this guy with you to my interviews?

Batista: I let him borrow $500 to record a CD, and come this Sunday, I'll be needing it back. Seriously. I've got a hooker waiting on me after my match and I'm exactly 500 bucks short.

Something tells me to turn you in to the cops, but seeing as you're a big, burly guy who can send me into convulsions with a slap on my wrist, I'll pass.

Josey: Ladies and gentlemen, pleeeaaase! Would you bring your attention to meeeeee?

What do you want?

Josey: Guess what my really expensive gold watch is made of.

Oh, I don't know... gold?

Josey: No, no, you have to say, "I don't know, what's it made of?"

...riiight. Okay then, "I don't know, what's it made of?"

Josey: IT'S MADE OF GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH~! DO YOU WANT IT?! DO YOU NEED IT?!?! 'Cause I'm pretty fuckin' broke at the moment.
Batista: You say you're pretty fuckin' broke at the moment? You'd better find those $500 I sent you. And since you decided not to keep your mouth shut, it looks like I'm going to have to kick... your... ASS.
Josey: NO! No, I'll stop! I swear! You see... I didn't want to tell you guys this...

I just got the worst sense of deja vu...

Josey: I have Shout Like An Asshole Syndrome...

You've told me this already, like 45 shows ago!

Josey: Really? Then why do you still not understand the hardships of living with SLAAS?! It's LIKE NOTHING YOU'VE EVER SEEEEEEN BEFORE!

I told you I didn't care, and I still don't, damn it! I'm trying to talk to Batista here!

Josey: You're so uncaring.

.....SO. Dave, how was your appearance on Family Feud?

Josey: IT SUCKED MY BAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSS!!! Oh, shit...

[Josey takes off running, with Batista right on his heels. You can imagine this chase ends with Josey screaming in blinding pain... as it damn well should.]

I guess that concludes this interview. Join me next week for a chat with HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN, and NOT Josey Scott! HAHAHAHAHA!

Holy shit, I'm finally done writing this thing! Thanks for reading this week's Deadface and putting up with my constant lateness; I'll have to make it up to you somehow. Send
feedback if you enjoyed these ramblings, and be sure to check out the main page for the rest of the Staff's updates. Because you totally want to. Admit it. It's right up there on your To Do list, with "stop masturbating to Hannah Montana." You sick fuck. I'm Catherine Perez, and like an epileptic during a Jenga game, I'm out! Epileptics, hate mail can be directed to the e-mail address below.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).