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DEADFACE WALKING!: (08/22/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back to another week of Deadfacey goodness~! I'm your super cool hostess, Catherine Perez. This week, I'll try my best to make up for my last lackluster update, so strap yourselves in for some wholesome family fun~! Well, without the family, since they probably hate you and think you smell like corrosion, death, decay, and the crotch of Big Daddy V's not-quite-singlet (halflet?), you filthy hobo bastard. I only jest... maybe.

August 15, 2008 is a day that will live in infamy. Not because the Highlanders and Cherry will be respectively debuting in TNA as The MacLeods and Strawberry in 90 days, or because Colin Delaney will soon die of embarrassment at the fact that he will forever be most famous for jobbing to everyone on ECW, but because Stevie Richards... was shitcanned. I'm still fucking shocked; merely days before, I had joked that, with all these firings, Stevie must've frantically crawled into his hiding area within the ECW locker room wall (a place which probably looks like Conan O'Brien's Embarrassment Fort). Since then, I've gotten numerous e-mails and messages jokingly pointing the finger at me for giving away the whereabouts of Stevie's protection zone, and thus helping WWE find him, and, damn it, I'M SORRY. I showed them, and they, unfortunately, saw. Had I known that I had the kind of exposure here at TWF that could get a man fired, Stevie would still be alive employed, and not desperately trying to claw his way out of a fresh grave that Triple H dug for him. I apologize to Stevie for bringing his steady cash flow to a screeching halt and thus making FUNAKI (or worse, THE BOOGEYMAN) a shoo-in for Lt. Worf Commemorative Cling-On Award winner, which should be renamed in Mr. Richards' honor anyway. These memories will not be left alone. YOU'RE STILL A WINNER TO ME, DAMN IT~!

I don't know how, and I don't know why, but WWE is planning to prep Mike Adamle to wrestle soon. An old guy wrestling to the enjoyment of no one? It's almost like Vince McMahon wants to live vicariously through the führer of fail~! I can't even come up with a joke for this. This is sad on every level. Adamle actually hired a personal trainer to help him out. I'll only enjoy this if we get hilarious segments of Adamle training during Raw. You know, I don't ever recall J.R. having to hire a trainer to learn how to get his shit stomped by Triple H...

Beth Smith, better known as either Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife or
Cartman's bitch, recently verbally pwned Linda "I'm Not A" Hogan on her family's blog. Beth is just about grossed out by the fact that Linda's dating a guy who's, well, my age, and has pegged her as a slut and a drunk. I can barely imagine myself dating the #2 object of my oft-suppressed fangirl obsession, Raven, with his being 43 and my being 20. Good Lord. Anyway, Beth wrote, "I know she [Linda] told [Hulk] she was gonna fix his ass, but it looks to me like he looks like an angel and she looks like a slut . . . I used to really like Linda, but then we started to get to know her and she is a real drunk." Oooh, snizzap~!
How can she say that about Linda... with those heaving sandbags she calls tits cutting off all blood flow to the neck and head?! Just mentioning it gives me visuals of Beth's lips having to be comically pulled through those things just so she can breathe, which then gives me another visual of her sucking in oxygen, complete with the hysterically unintentional blowing of raspberries due to her lips being pinched so tightly. It's all very Bugs Bunny to me. Har. But yeah, I'm going to go ahead and predict Linda Hogan vs. Beth Smith at the next PPV in a KENNEL FROM HELL MATCH~! ...you know, 'cause Beth's married to Dog? Get it? Eh? Eh? I'll stop.

SPEAKING OF RAVEN~! He'll be starring as the main villain of an action-thriller flick called Sleeper, where he plays Adam Resnik, an escaped inmate who was imprisoned for killing a guy and kidnapping the object of his obsession, a girl named Kelly (and, sadly, not Catherine). I am pretty damn interested in seeing this movie. How can I not enjoy watching Raven crack skulls open with a fucking sledgehammer (Triple H is not amused~!)? Of course, I said the same thing about See No Evil, which I haven't seen again, as the title suggests. At least Sleeper already has odds in its favor by not being associated with WWE Films, right? Check out the Sleeper site and a hysterical picture of Raven lurking near some shrubbery like a voyeuristic pervert
HERE. Now, if someone could just get Edge to star in a horror flick...

TNA's crappy WhoIsSuicide.com MySpace page has been hacked by members of 420chan, who claim to have done this "for the lulz". I'm sure many 'lulz' were had when tons of people really, actually believed that TNA had signed Randy Orton, since 420chan originally uploaded a silhouette background of Orton and added Voices by Rev Theory as the page's song. Check out the newly revamped
Wooo Is Suicide if you'd like. By the way, want to know who Suicide is? Anyone who watches TNA and longs for an end to the suffering. Yeah.

During an interview with WrestleCast, Randy Orton called Brother Ray of Team 3D "the most out of shape, fat, non-work-ethic-having person I knew" after mentioning that he never liked him because he only thought of himself. He blames Brother Ray for breaking his foot in "the match", and "you had a bad taste in your mouth when you met him." It's a good thing Orton's always leaving a good impression on his fans, much unlike what I reported
last September. Otherwise, this would be a pretty decent instance of Pot And Kettle, which it clearly isn't. Not even. Speaking of Orton, the general belief within WWE is that his supposed motorcycle accident really happened. Nevermind the fact that any human being thrown 300 fucking feet (that's the length of an NFL field between goal lines, people) would be, umm, DEAD, helmet or no helmet. Just saying, you know?

Katie Kim, the girl TNA told us was Gail Kim's sister, is actually Earl Hebner's daughter. How the fuck did they manage to pass a white guy's daughter off as an asian woman's sister?! Better question: how can they make people believe that that girl is asian, but can't make us believe that Shark Boy is funny? There's a good chance I just wanted to blast Shark Boy right there. Talk about a shithole gimmick. But seriously, Katie Kim isn't really Gail's sister? Next they'll tell me Ray and Devon aren't really brothers~! Anyway, holy shit, where the hell is the Hebners' reality show? Earl, an evil twin most famous for getting an entire country of wrestling fans to want to kill him, has got a son with mad beatboxing skillz, a good twin brother who counteracts his EVIL!, and an Asian daughter... who wouldn't watch that show? Step aside, Gene Simmons and your family jewels, and fuck off, Osbournes; you've just been dethroned by THE HEBNERS.

Speaking of siblings, this week's least interesting news bit goes to Carlito's brother, Edwin, who debuted on Raw this week as Primo Colón. You know your WWE run's not off to a great start when not even Mike Adamle cares to talk to you. Actually, you know it's not off to a great start when you expect to get over on being Carlito's brother. Gadzooks, egads and other words I never use in real life!



Welcome back to Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Have I got a sweet little surprise for you Shoot fans~! This week, we're going to be talking to the current laughing stock of the wrestling biz; a guy who went from being a big tag team star to, umm, weighing as much as a collective tag team? That's right, it's your favorite Future Endeavored star and mine... BRADEN WALKER~! Great to have to you here; I'm a big fan.

Walker: Wow, really?

No, not really. So, Braden -- or should I call you Chris Harris? Actually, I'll call you Braden Walker just to keep my laughter from subsiding. So, Braden, how does it feel to be fired from WWE before you could even make yourself a cup of coffee? I'd imagine it's quite embarrassing.

Walker: I'm sure WWE had their reasons. I'm just happy to have been a part of the biggest company in wrestling.

...like I said, you were there long enough to tell a bad joke and shake Matt Hardy's hand. Braden, I'm sure you've heard that there are a number of TNA employees laughing at your epic failure. Is there anything you want to say to them right now?

Walker: Those assholes thought I'd never make it to WWE, and guess what?

You proved them right?

Walker: No! I did make it! I had two -- count 'em -- TWO matches on ECW! Let's see James Storm attempt that! 'More talented', my ass!

Man, and was that crowd ever quiet during those two matches! Shame on them for sitting on their hands while the almighty Braden Walker was wrestling a five-star classic with... um... that guy who looked like a fucked-up, bulked-up biker version of Layne Staley from Alice In Chains.

Walker: Who?

Exactly. Didn't he get fired something like the day before you did?

Walker: Heh, yeah. By the way, those fans being so silent was a show of RESPECT towards me.

Haha, sure. Guess what? WWE had the courtesy to send in actual footage of your reaction to his firing just after your match. ROLL THE TAPE, MONKEYS~!

Walker: Oh, God no.

Walker: Hey man, great match out there. You totally made me look awesome.
James Curtis: Yeah, whatever.
Johnny Ace: Hey, uh, where's James Curtis? James Curtis?
Curtis: That'd be me~! [Aside to Walker] I'm totally getting a push now.
Ace: I'm very sorry to inform you that you've been shitcanned. We wish you the best in your future endeavors.
Curtis: ...
Walker: HAHAHAHA, oh man! Them's the breaks, eh? Sorry to hear, man. Good luck over at that bush league TNA~!
Ace: [Shuffling through index cards] Aaaand Braden Walker? Very sorry to inform you you've been shitcanned. We wish you blah blah blah.
Walker: AFTER TWO WEEKS? I just put on a wrestling clinic out there! Can't I at least catch my breath and have a sandwich?!
Ace: No. Say, where's my skateboard? Anyone seen my skateboard?
Curtis: Braden, good luck over at that bush league TNA. Hahaha!
Walker: Aww.


HAHAHAHA! I'll be making quite a few copies of this.

Walker: You don't have to do that...

Oh, but I must. Now, Braden, I'm dying to know... how many times have you heard your former tag team partner's catchphrase since your firing?

Walker: It's actually getting really annoying... you know, people stopping me on the streets to tell me "Sorry about your damn luck~!" If I could just put out a public plea for everyone to cut it out, well, that'd be nice.

I'll bet. So, you must've alienated just about all your former TNA co-workers with your departure for 'greener pastures'. Do you think they'll want you back?

Walker: Of course they'll want me back! I'm a hot commodity now! I don't think you quite understand that I got to wrestle in WWE. How many of those TNA assholes can say that?

Uh... all of them?

Walker: Really? Well, I won matches, okay? I got to talk to Matt Hardy backstage with my hands on my hips. I got to stand on ECW's stage with my hands on my hips. I got to stand in the ring with my hands on my hips. I got to... erm... stand in Teddy Long's office with my hands on my hips! I wrestled Armando fucking Estrada, probably with my hands on my hips!

Man, just admit it. You failed in a fashion not seen since Marty Jannetty in 2006 when he was signed on September 15th and rumored to had been given his walking papers exactly two weeks later. Of course, Jannetty's hired and fired every year, so perhaps you'll get a second chance!

Walker: You think so?

Not really. Braden, in all your failure, you've actually gained a cult following made up of wrestling fans who die laughing at your short WWE career. A simple search for 'Braden Walker' on YouTube brings up some of the most hilarious tribute videos ever made, like the DVD trailer for The Definitive Braden Walker, with over 15 minutes of action on three discs. You might actually have become something of a legend, only not at all. How does that make you feel?

Walker: Um... well, I guess I must've done something right, right?

I highly doubt it. Speaking of videos, I almost forgot~! All your former TNA co-workers and I have put together a special video message for you. ROLL IT!

Shark Boy: Am I on? Okay. Hey Chris, it's Shark Boy. Holy fish, talk about a carp-y gimmick~!
Catherine: ...you're terrible.
Shark Boy: Why? Was that too harsh?
Catherine: Only to my psyche.

Catherine: Ladies, do you have anything to say about Braden Walker?
The Beautiful People~!: Who?
Catherine: Chris Harris.
Velvet Sky: Oh, that guy! What a loser! Totally not hot.
Angelina Love: What did he expect to accomplish with that porn name and that GUT?
Catherine: And your names aren't porntastic?
Velvet Sky: SHOVE IT, BIMBO!!!

Vince Russo: Pfft, that asshole. I had the perfect storyline written for him. He was gonna quit TNA and redebut five months later as a fat guy who liked to rest his hands on his hips and tell knock-knock jokes, right? And nobody would know he was Chris Harris 'cause the fat suit we would'a made for him? Way believable~! Then Freddie Prinze, Jr. went and stole my idea, the no-talent hack! Who does he think he is, me?

Don West: OH MY GOD, CATHERINE PEREZ. Great to see you again, Catherine Perez! Have you been losing weight, Catherine Perez? I wish I could lose about 20 pounds in the ol' cranium! MIKE TENAY, CATHERINE PEREZ IS HERE, MIKE TENAY!
Catherine: Um... yeah. Do you have anything to say about the painfully short WWE run of Braden Walker?
West: Catherine Perez, Chris Harris is obviously a demented individual, straight from the depths of Hell, Catherine Perez. Just disturbed and demented, Catherine Perez; demented and disturbed. If only he had bought a copy of The Best of America's Most Wanted and realized what made him famous, Catherine Perez.
Catherine: What made him famous, Don Wes-- er, Don?
West: James Storm, Catherine Perez. Duh.

Jeremy Borash: I'm just glad someone's had a sadder run than I have. Tough luck, Harris!

Catherine: Go ahead. Say it. You know you want to.
James Storm: Oh, come on. Everyone else did it for me.
Catherine: Just do it. It'll be like Dave Chappelle; anyone can quote "I'm Rick James, bitch," but only Dave makes it funny.
Storm: Good point. Braden Walker... sorryyyy 'bout yo' daaaamn luck~! Hehe, you're right; it is funnier when I say it.

Petey Williams: Catherine, please put me out of my misery. It's one thing for TNA to make a guy impersonate a WWE guy, but for TNA to make me impersonate a TNA guy? I can't do this anymore. I'm gonna go... um... check out that Bowflex over there... yeah... yeaaahhh...

Jim Cornette: MISS PEREZ, CHRIS HARRIS SCREWED HIMSELF OUT OF A COMFORTABLE POSITION WITHIN OUR COMPANY, AND FOR WHAT? TO SHAKE MATT HARDY'S HAND? TO WRESTLE SOME NOBODY ON A SHOW THAT'S WATCHED BY CHANNEL-SURFING SCI-FI GEEKS WONDERING HOW IN THE HELL JIM MORRISON ROSE FROM THE DEAD TO WRESTLE WITH SOME GUY FROM MTV?
Catherine: Why are you screaming?
Cornette: DON'T YOU PATRONIZE ME, MISS PEREZ. I AM WHISPERING. THERE IS A MEETING GOING ON NEXT DOOR AND WE HAVE TO BE AS QUIET AS MICE, DO YOU HEAR ME?
Catherine: Loud and fucking clear, sir.

Booker T: Who in the hell is Chris Harris?
Sharmell: Tell 'em, baby!
Booker T: Chris Harris couldn't shine my boots, and do you know why?!
Sharmell: Tell 'em! You tell 'em, baby!
Booker T: 'Cause I am a five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time DUH-CEE-DUB CHAMPION~!
Sharmell: ...you said it six times again, baby.
Booker T: SPEAK NO MORE, WOMAN.

Homicide: PUTO!
Hernandez: PENDEJO!
Homicide: That's what you get for calling me Homo-cide before you left, you fat gringo bastard!
Hernandez: Maricón!
Catherine: BABOSO~! ...sorry, I had to join in.
Salinas: Haha, yeah, whatever they said! ...what?

And there you have it, Mr. Walker. How do you feel about yourself now? I would hope I crushed your spirit forever, 'cause it's good for ratings.

Walker: I knew it all along...

Hey, if you've gotta cry, go right ahead.

Walker: Cry?! PFFT. I'm obviously the best thing to ever come out of TNA! Those guys are all jealous! I WRESTLED IN THE WWE, OKAY? I'M THE STAR! I'M THE STAR!!!

[Braden stomps off the set, screaming about how awesome he is.]

YEAH, YOU GO ON AND RAID CATERING LIKE THE PORKY PRICK YOU ARE. Douche. WELL. That's all for this week's edition of Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Join me next week as I sit down with two of ECW's newest rookies, Ricky Ortiz and Evan Bourne~!

That does it for Deadface. I hope I made up for last week's ass-fest, and if I did, feel free to send some feedback! If not, allow me to leave you with a picture I made for shits and giggles. Oh, and make sure to check out the main page for the week's awesome updates from staff noob and FELLOW FEMALE~! Nicole Cooper with the
TNA iMPACT! RANT, Anthony Dean and his SUMMERSLAM '08 RANT, Cameron Burge and his BEST DAMN RAW RANT, PERIOD, and Neil McGilloway with his fun-to-say last name and the ECW on SCI-FI RANT! I'm Catherine, and much like my supply of really stupid column ending jokes, I'm out~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).