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DEADFACE WALKING!: (08/17/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

It's time once again for Deadface Walking, the only wrestling column with a fake interview segment that TNA and Karen Angle clearly ripped off. I KNOW THEY DID, DAMN IT. Yeah. I'm your hostess, Catherine Perez, here to bring you a week so devoid of interesting news that I don't even know how I'm going to make this work. Not that I won't try. So read on, reading reader!

After much hype, rapper Ice-T pulled a Scott Hall and no-showed TNA's Hard Justice pay-per-view. Excuse me just one moment... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahem. This is exactly what I find hilarious about TNA. They invest so much time, effort, and money to get random celebrities to show up to give them a bit of a "See? We're hip!" rub, and it always, ALWAYS, backfires on them. A source at TNA says that travel issues kept Ice-T from showing up. I believe it; there is a slim chance that T 'accidentally' showed up at a random Florida strip club called TNA. THESE THINGS HAPPEN... right? Probably not, but I can definitely imagine T admitting to deliberately no-showing to prevent his street cred from plummeting just because he showed up to rap at some second-rate show full of oily, half-naked men, for only 2,000 fans to enjoy. Not a knock against TNA; I'm just giving you the general, non-wrestling fan public's perspective here. TNA, leave the shameless celebrity ass-kissing to WWE, who actually had some staying power in pop culture before they got the F out. Seriously. It's embarrassing.

I'm sure you've all heard of the Randy Orton motorcycle accident story, where he supposedly almost had a brush with death when he crashed and flew something like three-hundred feet, all the way to a ditch. Hark~! Is that my bullshit sensor going off? I've personally never heard of a guy crashing a motorcycle, flying about three-hundred feet into a ditch, and only reinjuring a broken collar bone. Of course, stranger things have happened, so there's always that one rare occurrence. Also, I know WWE.com's writing bullshit when they go into such excrutiating detail while explaining events like this. Everyone gets suspicious when someone goes to great lengths to make sure you believe the hype. Has Public Enemy taught us nothing?!1111 One report states that Dave Meltzer went ahead and called a few hospitals and sheriff departments in the area of the crash, and no one has heard of the accident. Personally, I don't care if Orton takes the next year off. Get 'well' soon~!

Domino of Deuce and Domino non-fame produced and directed a video for the WWE creative team which consists of him taking a chainsaw to the head of a Batista life-size cardboard stand-up. Needless to say, management found the video offensive and not family-friendly, and they ended up souring on the greaser. This video was put up on YouTube last Friday, and features Domino going on about wrestlers who are on his Wanted list, like Rey Mysterio, CM Punk, and Matt Hardy. The video looks like it was made in late 2006, though I'm not exactly sure why this is news now unless he only just recently submitted it to the creative team. Speaking of which, exactly why am I even reporting this? It's Domino. He was obviously fired for being the less popular greaser. WWE can't even use the "Creative has nothing for you" line, because the Happy Days writers had a ton of shit in mind for The Fonz, and he ended up being a pop culture icon. Fonzie is ashamed, and nobody cares about Domino because he ended up being jobbed out, split from his team, and shitcanned all the way to the local drive-through theater next to Arnold's with the rollerskating waitresses. Let's move on.

U.K.'s The Sun is reporting, complete with a quote from a "close friend", that Mick Foley will be leaving WWE for TNA when his contract expires on September 1st. Vince's yelling hurt him that badly? TNA's downplaying the report, but they did contact Foley before he decided to head to WWE... you know, the place that wouldn't fire half the roster in order to afford his pay. I'm shocked, not because ZOMGMICKFOLEY'SGOINGTOTNA~!, but because Foley truly has nothing to offer TNA for the long term. Short term definitely, but in the end, TNA's proven that, no matter who they manage to get from WWE, it doesn't help one damn bit with the ratings. When neither Kurt Angle, a supposed HUGE wrestling star (at the time of his signing), nor Sting, a supposed legend, can drum up a little interest in the product, the roster is most likely not TNA's main problem. Let's work on the atrocious booking, overabundance of masked "comedy" wrestlers, and writing that makes some of us want to rub our eyes out with sandpaper.

Plans to split LAX up have been scrapped for now. You gangsta kids at the iMPACT~! Zone can keep on dancing to their theme in peace.

Uh... Matt Morgan has signed on to give DNA samples to be sequenced, digitized, and sent to the International Space Station in October as part of something called Operation Immortality. Just what we need; a ton of stuttering clones running around after the world comes to an end and leaves only cockroaches and Mae Young. Then we'll have these Matt Morgans attempting to procreate with Mae, and it'll just all end in t-t-t-tragedy. Who the hell came up with this stupid idea? If any wrestling personality should have his DNA sent to the ISS, it's Matt Hardy. Clearly, Operation Immortality will benefit from the DNA of a man who will not die. I'll be marking my calendar as today being the day I came up with something smarter than the International Space Station did.

This week's least important news bit goes to WWE's fool's gold standard. Shelton Benjamin's got HEAT from WWE management for being too complacent. Glad they've noticed. Shelton's currently under pressure to take advantage of the push he's getting, but he's said to be pretty comfortable being a mid-carder ("Say whaaaaat?" says Carlito), especially since he's made more money than he ever thought he would since joining WWE. Shelton could make more money by not being one of the most boring personalities in the WWE mid-card, of course. It's only common sense. Management thinks Shelton could be a strong upper-card wrestler if he put more effort into his work. Kind of like a real life job, sans uncomfortable near-nakedness. Someone tell Shelton to start hauling ass already; some of us would still like to see him succeed in more than a financial aspect.


In a world full of winners and losers, two men have risen... ahhh, fuck it. You know how it goes.

John Morrison: Hello, I'm John Morrison, and---

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't think so. This is my show; I start it off!

The Miz: I thought we were combining shows for the week...

Well, yeah, but this is your show within my show, so I start it off.

Morrison: Our show's the #1 show on WWE.com.

This one's not airing on WWE.com, my friend.

Miz: You're on our set, my friend.

...ahem. Welcome to Hey Man, Nice Shoot! I'm Catherine Perez, here with the stars of the #1 show on WWE.com, The Dirt Sheet---

Morrison: And I'm John Morrison. Before Mahatma Gandhi died, he wrote me a letter and proclaimed himself my number 1 fan.

...what the fuck does that even have to do with anything? You weren't even born when he died!

Morrison: Age is only a state of mind, Catherine.

Science proves otherwise.

Miz: Scientists aren't as enlightened as John is. And I'm your chick magnet, The Miz~!

You've done a pretty good job of hammering that idea into your head, Miz.

Miz: You just haven't seen all the fan mail I get.

Have you?

Miz: [mumbling] No...
That's okay.

Morrison: Catherine, allow me to welcome you to our most prestigious show. It's not every day that we invite someone for other reasons than to ridicule them to the verge of tears, so you should consider yourself incredibly lucky to be sitting alongside the Shaman of Sexy and the Monk of Mojo.

Consider me lucky, then. Now, gentlemen, you've recently lost your WWE Tag Team titles to the generic Edgeheads... uh... what are their names again?

Miz: Uh... Dude Personsen and... uh...
Morrison: Guy Peopleburger.

Right! Even without your titles, it seems that no one's giving a rat's ass about the Edgeheads anyway. How does that make you feel?

Morrison: We don't feel.
Miz: Nobody cares about the Edgeheads because we don't care about the Edgeheads.
Morrison: We don't allow generic title thieves at the Palace of Wisdom.
Miz: For all we care, they can take their fluke win, start a jug band with Jesse and Festus, and sing songs about how much they want to be us.
Morrison: Which would amount to over 40 crappy songs, conveniently sold by Time Life at the affordable price of $3.95.

...wow. Lots of animosity there.

Morrison: None at all; hating them would mean we care.

Good point. What about---

Miz: Hold on, it's a double interview, remember? Now we get to ask you a question.

Uh... okay. Go ahead.

Morrison: Who's our favorite wrestler?

Oh, hell no. Don't even try that with me. I brought Charlie Haas with me to dropkick you assholes if you attempted that Fuji shit on me. Come on out, Charlie~!

Miz and Morrison: ...

...where's Charlie?

Morrison: Charlie Haas and his luchador masks aren't allowed---

Right, of course. So where exactly is this Palace of Wisdom that no one's allowed into?

Morrison: The Palace of Wisdom is a state of mind, Catherine.

Okay, so how do you get there? Weed? Angsty poetry? Shamelessly imitating the Lizard King? Hanging out with a former MTV douche?

Miz: HEY. That's totally uncalled for!
Morrison: Okay, okay. The Palace of Wisdom rests on a mountain.

Does it?

Morrison: It's the highest mountain in Japan. Its name escapes me... Miz, what's the mountain called, again?
Miz: I think it's called *FUJI~!*

[Miz tosses some Fuji dust.]

...I hate you both... especially for exposing my lack of geographical prowess. I hope you're both happy. Fortunately, I was completely prepared for this, so allow me to bring in my new full-time bodyguard... BIG DADDY V~!

[Big Daddy V suddenly charges at both men, but he quickly slows down, eventually to a complete stop as he catches his breath.]

Miz: Wow, V, have you been losing weight?

Ugh. V, you're fired.

Big Daddy V: Awww... hell, come on! How else am... I going to... finance my... grocery shopping?

Morrison: We do allow NutriSystem at the Palace of Wisdom. Unfortunately, V, you're not, for you would never fit through the door.

Ouch. Harsh. That does it for this week's Hey Man---

Morrison: No way. We're ending the show. It's only fair.

...whatever.

Morrison: That's all for this week's edition of The Dirt Sheet/Hey Man, Nice Shoot, because in life, there are winners... and there are losers.

Like yourselves.

Miz: That's right, we are winners. We are the longest-reigning WWE Tag Team champions in recent history. And Catherine. Be jealous.

Of what?

Morrison: SHHH.

And that's it for Deadface! You know the drill; send feedback if you feel like it, and do yourselves the huge favor of checking out the main page for more TWF-like goodness from the rest of our most esteemed staff. I'm Catherine, and like Jeff Hardy's upcoming 3rd strike, I'm out~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).