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DEADFACE WALKING!: (06/23/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

It's time once again for the most-requested column at the Make-A-Wish foundation (okay, maybe not), DEADFACE WALKING~! I'm your hostess, Catherine Perez, ready to give you my take on this week's news and NEWZ. Before we get to that, however, I would like to tell you all that I damn near collapsed my lungs from laughing at Thursday's edition of TNA. No, it wasn't any specific part of the show, but rather the show's title. The title was just about the most perverted shit my head-in-the-gutter self will ever hear: "Fur Will Fly at the Pink Taco." If you're not laughing at that right now, something's wrong with you me. Now, let's get to the news!

First of all, I'd like to say "fuck Vince McMahon" for being enough of a dickhole to mock Monday night's cash winners. Nobody mocks the Million Dollar Mania winners... except for the TWF staff! And you can mock them too at The Wrestling Fan Forum~! Cheap plug for the win, ladies and gents.

Holy shit! According to a report that I believe came from the Wrestling Observer (motherfuckers need to credit their shit!), those within WWE are now feeling that they made huge mistakes in attempting to run every major territory out of business back in the 1980s. I know, I'm shocked too! They also feel that it came back to haunt them as pro wrestling got boring to fans considering the lack of competition. I'm glad the low ratings are helping them realize all this. I'd love to say that TNA is the company that'll rival WWE, but their product is so incredibly lacking in every aspect (except for their actual in-ring stuff, like their women's wrestling), and it's obvious that they'll never grow to be as big as WWE if they don't believe they need to improve. ROH? I don't watch it, so I can't really say much other than they should work on getting a TV deal or something. Or, hell, since WWE's feeling so guilty, why not just help these two companies grow? I'm sure we'd all love some real competition to freshen things up. At the very least, maybe WWE can send people "I'm Sorry" cards. Now there's an idea!

Michael Hayes is back, minus two months of pay and his vice president position! Hayes has been demoted to a mere writer (as opposed to an executive one), which could probably explain Mark Henry being on the receiving end of a two-on-one beatdown on ECW this week. His fellow writers probably told him to cut Mark some slack, to which Hayes most likely replied, "But I'm more of a nigg... ardly... guy... than he is~!" Anyway, on top of a loss of pay and a demotion, Hayes also had to attend sensitivity training and alcohol recovery classes. If that's not hilariously embarrassing enough for him, he also had to agree to not drink while doing anything associated with WWE. A round of applause for alcohol, which has shown once again what happens when it intensifies an asshole's personality!

In some interview, Ron Simmons says he came up with the annoying "DAMN~!" catchphrase while watching young wrestlers pull crazy stunts in the ring. Buuuullshit! I know damn well Ron was probably sitting at his house, all depressed, when he suddenly said to himself, "DAMN~! There's gotta be some way for me to collect paychecks while doing absolutely nothing in the wrestling sense. (Long pause) ...wait a fuckin' minute! I've got it!" Then he probably went to Vince, spewed the stupid catchphrase, and wiped the sweat off his face as Vince laughed heartily and bellowed, "By god, it's GENIUS, damn it!" And today, Ron Simmons is exchanging his cash for quarters and bathing himself in them inside a blow-up kiddie pool ("Yeeesss, Vince's mooooney!")

Speaking of Vince, and boy is there a lot of him in this column this week, he supposedly really hates the term 'fan'. He must really loathe this website, then. I want to call bullshit on this story, though, if only for the reason that I can't think of any synonyms for 'fan' off the top of my head. That being said, Thesaurus.com lists words like 'aficionado' and 'buff'. Now there's a word Vince will like! Unfortunately, I refuse to be called a WWE buff for the sole reason that it reminds me of Buff Bagwell, who, in turn, reminds me of Judy Bagwell. God knows I hated that infamous Hey, That's Not A Pole match. I digress. Vince feels that 'fan' is demeaning to, um, fans, and had once banned the creative team from using that word. Yeah, nothing makes my blood boil more than someone calling me a fan~! I can imagine that the only thing worse is being called a 'jobber', isn't that right, Damian Demento? I think the only time 'fan' can be considered demeaning is if 'Ashley Massaro' is said before it. As bizarre as all that is, the only word he supposedly hates more than 'fan' is, drum roll please, 'mark'. Christ, Vince, they're just words.

On May 18th, Brother Ray and Brother Devon of Team 3D ate pizza. Okay, that doesn't seem so newsworthy, but what that pizza did to them seemed like something TNA would write into a shitty storyline. Early into their match that night, Ray charged to the back after falling ill, because the pizza ended up not agreeing with either of the teammates' stomachs. I don't dare to imagine what went on with Ray once he got backstage. Anyway, after Ray left, Devon assumed he'd return, and then started stalling the match. Once he realized that his partner wasn't coming back - most likely because his ass was experiencing its own personal hell over in the backstage bathrooms - Devon went for a quick finish and ended the match. Poor guys. Like I said, this is some crazy shit that would only happen in a bad storyline, and since it went and happened, I wouldn't be surprised to see it happen again on TNA TV with accompanying Benny Hill music (poorly recreated by their music guy, of course). It'd at least be an improvement over watching Eric Young wander the fucking streets, looking for Elvis. What the fuck was that?

Since the release of the new Rock DVD, there have been numerous, nearly overwhelming, complaints of i t being heavily edited. People have noted that the old WWF scratch logo is blurred out from turnbuckle pads, t-shirts, fan signs, etc., making the DVD hard to watch in some parts. Also, each mention of "WWF" is censored. All in all, this sounds like a DVD that'll make people hate pandas (and maybe nearsightedness) so much more. I have heard from a couple of people that the censorship isn't as bad as people make it out to be, but you kind of tend to believe the majority, don't you? Either way, consider The Rock vs. Sexual Harrassment Panda my new dream match.

Guess what's probably preventing Shawn Michaels from being drafted to Smackdown? No, it's not an intense fear of wrestling on a B-grade show (by the way, if the shittiness of the last couple of Raw shows is their A-grade stuff, I shudder to think of what's happening on Smackdown), but rather the fact that the Heartbreak Kid attends morning church services on Wednesdays. I fail to see a scheduling conflict here, unless he flies home to attend church every single week. Why not just attend church at whatever town he's in? It'd be like a world church tour, which would be freakin' awesome. MAKE IT HAPPEN, if only for the awesome World Church Tour 2008 t-shirt.

And now, your least interesting news bit of the week~! A "large percentage" of WWE's roster agrees with Carlito's comments on Triple H's position in WWE and his marriage to Stephanie from a recent press conference (dude's got balls). Considering all the stories, rumors (both true and untrue), and just the smug look permanently sledgehammered onto HHH's face, is anyone really surprised? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Of course, no one ever says any of this out in the open since it would be "career suicide" to do so. Allow me to be the first to wish Carlito the best in all his future endeavors.


Matt Hardy and his punk rock rebound girl, Ashley Massaro, once shared a love that was probably only heard of in My Chemical Romance songs. What could have happened if a guy who will not die mated with a girl I lovingly call a walking liability for the low, low price of $25,000?
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Okay, so we can't see shit thanks to that stupid mop of hair, but it's probably for the best. All I know is that he's pale as fuck and bruises incredibly easily. His scars will become a symbol! And then there will be a whole lot of symbols adorning his forearms~!

Nothing brings a couple together quite like being shunned by the WWE. Such is not really the tale of Brock Lesnar and Sable. Are they still together? Eh, don't care. And just what would half-muscle, half-plastic offspring look like?
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Jesus Christ, it's the sasquatch from Harry and the Hendersons!

Finally, we've got David Flair and Stacy Keibler, who, believe it or not, were actually a couple once. Shit, if David Flair's beet-red ass can get a girlfriend, CLEARLY there's got to be a guy out there for me. What would their little one have looked like, had they mated?
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It's like a crazy mix of a bird, that singing chick Pink, and a Lost Boys vampire. And did you know Stacy has a birth canal in her LEGS?! [/The More You Know]



Welcome back to Hey Man, Nice Shoot! This week, I've been called in for an emergency marriage counseling session between Kurt and Karen Angle.

Kurt: Called in? Who called? Was it that homewrecker, A.J.?! IT WAS A.J., WASN'T IT?
Karen: Why does everything have to be A.J. with you?!

Seriously, Kurt. It wasn't A.J., it was Karen. Karen wants to straighten this marriage out - isn't that right, Karen?

Karen: Well, honestly, after he got Awesome Kong to beat my ass, I'm considering divorce.
Kurt: What for? So you can fuck A.J. some more?! ARE YOU FUCKIN' A.J. BEHIND MY BACK?!

Kurt! Shut the fuck up! You have no idea how bad you look in a post-Benoit wrestling industry.

Kurt: Benoit who?

Ooh, smooth one. Karen, why don't you start off by telling Kurt why you're both here?

Karen: Well, we're here because we need an unbiased party to help us identify our problems and find solutions to them.

And I'm as unbiased as they come. I think. Kurt, why do you think you're both here?

Kurt: Why? This is like that Springer show, right? You're gonna bring A.J. out real soon, aren't you?

Come on, Kurt. I would never. Just tell us why you're here. I'm unbiased. Nobody's going to judge you.

Kurt: That's what you think...
Karen: Damn it, Kurt!

Shhhh. Let's try to get through this without argument.

Kurt: Look, I know we've got our problems - what married couple doesn't? I just have better things to do than spill my heart out to some wannabe shrink. Like beat A.J.'s ass.

Hey! I'm no wannabe. I have a diploma and all that good shit.

Kurt: ...
Karen: ...

Okay, so I don't have a diploma, and I don't know the first thing about marriage counseling. I'm 19, for fuck's sake. BUT YOU CALLED ME, KAREN. I'm almost required to help out. So... just fucking talk to each other.

Karen: I've been trying to talk to him forever! He doesn't listen to me!
Kurt: I do listen to you!
Karen: Then accept the fact that I didn't sleep with A.J.!
Kurt: Ugh, I'm not hearing this shit...
Karen: GOD DAMN IT, KURT~!

This is hilarious. You guys should tour comedy venues. Er, I mean, this is good. You guys are venting and, um, that's good. Keep going.

Kurt: This isn't helpin g anything! All we accomplished was bringing her PMS on early this month!
Karen: I do not have PMS!
Kurt: So stop being a bitch!
Karen: Stop being a dick!
Kurt: BITCH.
Karen: DICK.

Hey! This is a fucking family show! I'm starting to think you two are beyond help here.

Kurt: Good to know. Karen, let's get out of here.
Karen: But---
Kurt: But what? But you've got a date with A.J.? Huh? HUH?!?!
Karen: DAMN IT, I WANT A DIVORCE!

Oooh...

Kurt: Karen, please, don't do that. I need you!
Karen: ...really? Kurt: Really, Karen. I need you.
Karen: Oh, Kurt, I knew you'd come around!
Kurt: Well, yeah! Who else is going to cook my meals and clean the house?
Karen: ...I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!

[Karen storms out of the room, slamming the door behind her.]

Well, I hope you're happy, Kurt.

Kurt: I know A.J. sent you to drive me and Karen further apart, and, damn it, I'm going to see to it that Awesome Kong beats your ass!

Bring it on, you scrawny, cock-headed bastard!

[Kurt runs out after Karen.]

What a couple of ungrateful bastards. Oh well. Join me next week when I sit down for an interview with... Jesse and Festus? AWWW, SON OF A BITCH.

And that does it for this obscenely late edition of Deadface. My fingers are just about ready to atrophy and die, just so you know. So send me some feedback. It's the least you can do. The most you can do is check out the main page for all the fantastic updates of the week. Also~! You can join the entire TWF staff and a whole load of TWF fans over at The Wrestling Fan's *NEW* Forum. You won't regret it. Unless we laugh at your super lame username or something. And like Mark Henry's supply of food, I'm out~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).