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DEADFACE WALKING!: (06/14/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

It's a new week, and that means it's time for some more Deadface~! I'm your hostess, Catherine Perez, and since I'm writing this intro last (IS THAT NOT TRIPPY?!), I'm out of cool and witty things to say. So just keep it moving; nothing to see here!

Let's start with a rant, shall we? Despite breaking their backs to promote it, and despite the fact that $1 million dollars were up for grabs, Vince McMahon's Million Dollar Mania has bombed considerably as far as ratings and handling telephones go. Raw garnered a 3.03 rating - down from the 3.1 of the week before. When reached for comment, Vince frowned and said, "Well, looks like it's time to push John Cena to the moon again!" I'm kidding, reader; there's no need to scream in horror. Unfortunately, Vince has decided to stretch Million Dollar Mania into the next installment of Raw. I don't get it; Vince is willing to pay us in exchange for some loyalty, but what about the live crowds who pay Vince for a quality show? What about the at-home audience, the people who keep the company afloat by not letting the ratings slide into the 2's and purchasing their PPVs? Keep in mind that the crowd was abso-fucking-lutely dead for these segments, and were chanting "boring". How can he possibly think it's okay to give money away to random non-fans while his company's own fans sit there and watch their money go to waste on this stupidity? Nevermind the fact that everyone who got money is already a wrestling fan, so their plan to bring in new viewers backfired in the worst possible way. Are we really supposed to enjoy watching people we don't know win money on a wrestling show anyway? Save that shit for The Price Is Right, stop being lazy, and get to fucking work on finding something that'll peak everyone's interest for the long-term. All that aside, at least we all got a kick out of watching Vince job to a telephone and get Rick Rolled, right? Fortunately, WWE is looking to drop this money giveaway shit ASAP if next week's rating doesn't improve.

Speaking of things we'll never get, according to people who attended TNA's Slammiversary show, TNA kept promising throughout the show to give away backstage passes to the loudest fan in each section, but never delivered. Needless to say, this shameless attempt at getting fans to be louder for an otherwise lackluster show was met with disappointment. I don't see why; I've yet to understand what's so exciting about the backstage area of a TNA show, where tons of wrestlers are most likely slamming their heads into heavy objects out of frustration while Vince Russo pitches a Wrestling on Hot Coals Bucket of Water on a Pole Cage match to them. Actually, that sounds awesome, and shame on TNA for denying the fans the chance to witness such awesomeness.

WWE has temporarily lost its Wang! It looks like Jimmy Wang Yang violated the Wellness Policy, and, well, what do I care? I don't watch Smackdown. Definitely didn't see this coming, though. Soooo... yeah.

I'm aware that I'm pretty late in reporting this, but what the hell is this shit about Triple H using Nazi black magic? I didn't even know Nazis used black magic! According to
some article in the April edition of Fighting Spirit Magazine, which alleges that Trips is using black magic to stay on top. Oh, my God, how incredibly retarded. Why does Triple H need black magic, especially NAZI black magic, to stay on top? And what the hell is the difference between regular black magic and NAZI black magic?! This is Triple fucking H we're talking about! He's obliterated wrestlers like Goldberg in Elimination Chambers and buried their mangled corpses with his trusty shov-- oh, my God, it's all so clear now! Quick! Someone check the history books for a guy named Hunterfürgen Hearstenfrürer Helmslenhosen (preferably with a picture of him delivering a Pedigree to Hitler), because God damn it all if he's used his black magic to travel through time and bury historical villains~!

While I'm reporting stuff that should have been reported months ago... BEWARE~! Hulk Hogan's Ultimate Grill will ultimately engulf your home in a fiery inferno should you do so much as to put cooking oil or spray on it! If you're real quiet, you can hear Jeff Hardy frantically running back home while screaming "NOOOOOO!!!" to stop his girlfriend from whipping out the Pam spray. According to
a recall made in March that somehow went unnoticed by the internet wrestling community, the Ultimate Grill was made in China, which would explain its defectiveness. Five reports were made to QVC and Tristar about the grill igniting or flaring up, two of those including reports of minor burns. I'll tell you what; China can take these grills back, glue some sticks onto them, and resell them to us as an Olympic Relay children's play set. JUST ADD OIL~! I guarantee you, there's someone out there who'll buy it. Like me.

Ashley's got a new tattoo~! Hey, that's fantast--- THIS JUST IN!!! Ashley has just finished combing her hair, and, get this, there were NO KNOTS! Someone call the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade people and tell them to create a giant Ashley balloon NOW. Chinese dragon and lettering tattoos are so fucking tired anyway. She says the lettering translates into "Trust No One". She was going to get the lettering to say "Trust no one unless they're wealthy and can offer you $25,000 for hot pig sex", but the tattoo would have stretched down onto her leg.

This week's least interesting news bit goes to Carlito, who is said to be unhappy again. Really? He's starting to remind me of those smarks who always complain about the WWE product, yet are always tuning in no matter what. If he's really pissed about how he's being booked, no one's twisting his leg to stay. Fucking quit! Like he supposedly said, he should have no problem getting into TNA. Hell, you know what'd probably get him a push? Acting like he gives a fuck about the match he's wrestling in or the promo he's cutting. Get to it, Carlito, and if you still don't get a push, just quit.

And... yeah, that's pretty much all the news that was of interest to me this week. MOVING ON~!



It's adult swim time at the gene pool~! Jesus Christ, that was the worst intro ever... um... let's just get to the mating. Up first we have the late, great Eddie Guerrero and his former mamacita, Chyna. What did he ever see in her? Better question: what would their child look like, had they mated?

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Hey, it's like Eddie and Chyna also share DNA with Eddie Izzard and Eddie Van Halen~! Good thing Chyna can't have kids, what with that whole 2-inch dick thing and all.


Clearly, Carlito is a ladies' man. How else did he get to go out with Trish Stratus, a lady that, even I can admit, is quite a beauty. Hopefully, Trish will have the dominant chromasomes in this mating...

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Holy shit, it's Justin Guarini Salma Hayek after an unfortunate encounter with a light socket! She's got a Frida Kahlo vibe.


Finally, let's try out a hypothetical mating. Let's just say that both Hardcore Holly and former, um... Diva? Nicole Bass were lonely and in need of love. Let's just say they've both filled out an e-Harmony profile, and they're pretty much made to be together forever. And, hypothetically speaking, let's just say that they met in a blind date and liked what they saw, and figured they'd go home for some sex. I shudder to think of what happens next, but, obviously, after unprotected sex comes a baby. What would theirs look like?

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Bat Boy is not amused~! But he IS recoiling in horror at his loving parents. Imagine that.



Welcome back to another soon-to-be-regretted edition of Hey Man, Nice Shoot! This week, we've hijacked Martha Stewart's kitchen and sent her felon ass packing, because with us today to whip up a few of his favorite recipes is none other than Big Daddy V~! Thanks for being here, uh, Big Daddy.

Big Daddy V: Let's get this started already. I'm missing lunch for this.

Right on. Now, V, According to WWE Magazine, you eat a whole hell of a lot of food to maintain your dominantly round figure, so you must know how to cook like the best of them.

Big Daddy V: Actually, after a few incidents involving developmental talent raiding the catered food, WWE arranged for their catering to be delivered to me at 6 AM every morning.

Fantastic. So what will you be showing me and the Shoot fans today... besides how to go into cardiac arrest in three minutes flat?

Big Daddy V: Bitch, that's not funny.

You're right; that was rude of me. Let me rephrase that: What will you be showing me and the Shoot fans today... besides how to give yourself the Heimlich Maneuver should any unchewed rib racks slide into your esophagus?

Big Daddy V: ...

I'm sorry, I can't help myself. Here, let me step aside and give you a little wiggle room.

Big Daddy V: Thank you. Alright, you hungry motherfuckers, let's start with my favorite breakfast. First you're going to need the necessary ingredients: six cups of vanilla yogurt...

[Whispering] Six?!

Big Daddy V: ...three cups of rolled oats...

Oh my fucking God...

Big Daddy V: ...a cup of granulated sugar...

I can feel my teeth aching...

Big Daddy V: ...half a cup of lemon juice...

Agh...

Big Daddy V: ...and eight cups of crushed Cookie Crisp cereal. Now just mix all that shit together and you've got one serving of what I like to call Big Daddy V's Morning Delight.

One?! One serving?!

[Big Daddy V glares angrily at Catherine, causing her to back up a few more inches.]

Um... sounds delicious, V... I'm sure the Shoot fans are really going to love that stuff.

Big Daddy V: That's right, Catherine. If there's anything I know about wrestling fans, it's that they relate to us slightly overweight brothers.
Mark Henry: Damn straight.

Slightly? That's a slight exaggeration, if you ask me. Alright, alright, I'll stop. Why don't we get into your lunch recipe?

Big Daddy V: Ohhh, lunch. That reminds me, I'm missing out on lunch to be here.

You made that pretty clear when this segment started. So, the faster you get on with your recipes, the faster you can get to your lunch.

Big Daddy V: Sounds good to me.

You say that quite often, don't you? Alright, seriously, I'm done. Go ahead.

Big Daddy V: Thank you. Okay, for my special lunch, you're going to need a handful of---

[A loud creaking noise interrupts V's train of thought.]

The fuck was that?

Big Daddy V: No idea. Anyway, you're going to need a handful of powdered sugar...

Holy Diabeetus!

Big Daddy V: Three cups of mayonnaise - but make sure it's the low-fat kind; tryin' to watch our calorie intake here.

Of course. Hahahaha...

Big Daddy V: Six pounds of turkey ham...

WHOA.

Big Daddy V: Eight slices of cheese and a stick of Italian bread.

I can feel my arteries clogging just thinking about eating that.

Big Daddy V: ROAAAAAAAAARRRR!!!

[The creaking noise returns, louder than before.]

Okay! I'm sorry! Go right ahead, Mr. Big Daddy V, sir.

Big Daddy V: Alright, now, mix the sugar into the mayonnaise and slather it onto your Italian bread after slicing it open long-ways. Pile on the ham throughout the sandwich and toss your che ese over it. You can top your sandwich with anything you want; lettuce, tomatoes, pickles... me? I like to use Hershey's chocolate syrup.

[As BDV begins to bite into his abnormally large sandwich, the creaking noise turns into a very loud cracking, and, lo and behold, the floor beneath him caves in, sending V falling into a deep abyss.]

Big Daddy V: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'M GOING TO MISS LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!!!

Wow. I'm so glad I backed way the hell up a few minutes ago. Well, um... looks like we won't be getting a dinner recipe. Fine with me; these recipes were grossing me the fuck out. Join me next week, Shoot fans, for an emergency marriage counseling session with Kurt and Karen Angle!

And that's all for this week's Deadface! Thank you very much for taking the time to read this! Now strain your eyes further by reading (or maybe rereading) all of this week's most awesome updates. BY THE WAY~! Do the entire TWF staff a favor and join us and and an entire community of Wrestling Fan fans over at the *NEW*
TWF FORUM! It's totally uncensored and fucking awesome, and if you want more tasteless jokes, wrestling news, hilarious photoshoppery, and overall TWF goodness between staff updates, you'll definitely feel at home at the Forum. SO STOP IGNORING ME AND JOIN TODAY. You might not regret it.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).