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DEADFACE WALKING!: (04/26/07)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Bitches and hoes, hoes and bitches! Welcome back to the column that won a hair vs. hair match against the Hair Club for Men (and Howie Mandel), Deadface Walking! As always, I am Catherine Perez, your guide to the realm of the random. This week has been a hell of a week as far as wrestling news goes, and that's a damn good thing, too; last week's Deadface Walking overtook Mark Henry's throne as the sultan of suck. Well, enough stalling, let's get right to it with some...

SUSPENSIONS!First up is TNA's Austin Starr, who was suspended for 90 days for... wearing a Ring Of Honor t-shirt at the TNA Lockdown Fan Fest? That's right! Not only that, but he refused to cut any promos on his day off! FOR SHAME, AUSTIN STARR! While I will admit that it should be common courtesy to not wear another company's shirt at TNA outings, I find this punishment to be quite excessive, I mean... 90 days for wearing a rival company's t-shirt and wanting to enjoy his day off? Maybe Austin just forgot to wash his dirty clothes! Why not just give the guy three Hail Marys and let him get on with his day? Well, on a lighter note, now Austin will have 90 days off without promos OR matches! GO AUSTIN!

Up next is WWE referee Chris Kay. Wait... what the hell? Kay just recently got himself suspended for 60 days for... well, that detail hasn't been revealed yet. Suspending a referee isn't exactly the smartest thing to do when the referee roster is thinning out a bit and Nick Patrick's working limited dates. I can't believe I'm discussing referees.

Former WWE diva Nidia has had a baby girl that she named Lillith. Lillith is apparently named after the way Dusty Rhodes pronounces "lilies". Congratulationthhh, as Dusty would say.

STOP THE PRESSES~! Timbaland has chosen six WWE divas to appear in his new music video, and they are... (pretend there's a drum roll going on) ASHLEY! TORRIE! MARYSE! BROOKE (who's Brooke?)! LAYLA! And... KELLY KELLY?! Kelly can't dance her way out of a wet, ripped, opened paper bag! And Ashley? Dear fuck, don't disintegrate on us now! As far as Torrie and Maryse are concerned... ah, whatever. I'm just hoping MTV's around for a Making The Video taping, so we can all watch the botchariffic dance moves.

Remember Rosey? ...Rosey? Anyone? S.H.I.T. (Haw haw)? ROSEY. Yeah, well, I read that he's filming a TV show. From the assholes that brought you REBA, Rosey stars as Rosey Smithersonbob Barkerfergusonfuck, a lovable ex-con artist, in a heart-warming comedy where Rosey moves to a small town in Wyoming and finds the surprise of his life - HIS ROOM MATE'S A PRIEST... AND A DRAG QUEEN~! See what the critics are talking about, if they're even talking at all! "Rosey and Sister Closet Queen", coming soon to ABC, then disappearing into obscurity (or the FX Network) within a month.

In what's probably the biggest conversation topic in the internet wrestling community this week (at least from what I've seen), WWE has severed all ties with Deep South Wrestling, and I guess DSW's closing now. I'm more surprised that this didn't happen sooner. While it's a damn shame that DSW's closing, I will never forgive them for Mike Mizanin. In a related story, TNA management have just shit their pants, wet themselves, and orgasmed several times from the excitement of getting to sign SEVERAL almost-WWE rejects. Thank the heavens that Mizanin's on Smackdown (I think... haven't watched since he debuted), or else he'd be TNA's world champ by June. Hoorah, indeed.

John Cena couldn't ride his car at Wrestlemania, but he damn sure will be for the Gillette Young Guns celebrity race! Cena will be taking part in Fast Cars and Superstars, where twelve celebrities will team up with some stock car racers and learn what it takes to, uh, drive stock cars. Gnaaaarly, duuude! Let's hope Bill Goldberg won't be involved, or that'll mark another Goldberg-affiliated car show up for cancelation. Not that anyone will care, of course.

As seen on Gerweck.net, 56% of their readers are siding with Vince McMahon in the childish-as-hell McMahon/Hogan bitch fight. Now, I haven't been following this too well, but here's what I've gotten from it so far:

Hogan: Oops, I totally let all the Hall Of Fame inductee names leak out on the radio for all to hear, brother.
McMahon: GAWD DAMN IT, I'M VINCE MCMAHON, AND I SAY HOGAN SUX0RZ.
Hogan: Fuck Vince, brother, dude, he was totally making fun of Brooke anyway, brother.
McMahon: PUT ALL OF HOGAN'S MERCH IN THE CLEARANCE PAGE, I'M VINCE MCMAHON.
Hogan: That's all fine and dandy, dude, but you're going to see that my old, sagging, orange self can still draw! WHAT'CHYA GONNA DOOOO, WHEN THESE 24-INCH PYTHONS RUN WILD... at an indy show? I'll totally wrestle Jerry Lawler too, brother.
Lawler: ZOMG YAY!
McMahon: NOT IF I CAN HELP IT, DAAAAAMN IT.
Lawler: Awww...
Hogan: Kiss my sagging ass, dude! I'll just market an energy drink for all those aging Hulkamaniacs out there, brother!

Did I paint an accurate picture of the situation? Awesome. Moving on...

Last Friday, Smackdown did its worst rating all year with a 2.4. Was there another Lashley/Umaga match or something? Speaking of which...

According to my intuition, 99.9999999% of wrestling fans are fed up with the Lashley/Umaga Best of 39274563 Series. Honestly, enough is enough. You'd think they'd pull the plug on this match-up after that one Raw main event they had where most of the crowd practically stampeded through the exits. I don't know about WWE, but if I were in charge, and I saw people leaving in rather large crowds throughout the entire main event, I'd do my best to make sure that Lashley and Umaga never did so much as say hello in the backstage area. The Lashmaga Saga (I know, it's a great name) blows.

King Booker's got a new radio show airing on KBME 90-AM in Houston Texas. Why am I reporting this? Just so I can type the name of the show and laugh my ass off. Here goes: "Tea Time with King Booker"! HA. HAHAHAHAHA. Keep on the look-out for Bob Holly's upcoming radio show, "BLEARRRRRGH!!!", followed by Jeff Hardy's debuting radio show, "Whispers from the Deepest, Darkest Depths of My Colorful Yet Woeful Soul", which will be replacing the recently canceled "The Lita Show with Matt Hardy". Now there's an obscure Saturday Night Live/Adam Sandler crack that'll go way over everyone's heads.

Can it be? More steroid users outed? Rightly so! A-Train, Heidenreich and Johnny Stamboli were prescribed steroids by a Dr. David Wilbirt of Phoenix, Arizona, according to Sports Illustrated. Christ, SI must be having a ball with all this steroid bullshit. What do I have to say about this? Well, I guess Michael Cole knew about the steroid use and Heidenreich just had to find a way to shut him up forever... what's that? Michael Cole rape jokes aren't funny anymore? Awww...

It's official: South Germany hates WWE. WWE's Germany show on their European tour was met with piss-poor attendance rates and pisser-poorer (new word!) ticket sales. I can only imagine that this happened because German wrestling fans are still bitter about the whole JBL goosestepping thing. Quite the asshole-like thing to do, JBL, and now look at what you've done. Poor attendance, and it was streamed online for all to see on Munich's Olympiahalle site. Let's hope that WWE don't do any shows from Israel any time soon, either. I hope you're happy, Layfield, you little tramp.

RONI JONAH WANTS BIGGER TITTIES. Did that catch your attention, boys? Good, because Roni would appreciate it if people donated money to her Roni Jonah Needs Big Knockers So WWE Will Notice Me Fund. Want a link? Google it; I'm not about to plug that mess. There's more important things to be donating your money to anyway, like for Konnan's cause, or Feed the Children. Wait, this is the IWC... WOOOOO, BOOOOOBS!!!

Mick Foley is discussing a possible reality show all about him. What is it with [former] wrestlers and reality television? Quite frankly, Joanie Laurer on The Surreal Life was bad enough. Did I say 'bad'? I meant evil, detrimental to one's mental well-being, ghastly, rotten and all-around sad. Not that I'm against Mick trying his hand at reality TV. I'm just hoping it won't be some kind of Breaking Bonaduce kind of mess, with Ashley Massaro as his personal trainer. Ew.

TNA is hopeful that this week's 'dream match' of Sting against Kurt Angle will draw in some strong ratings. Here's a good way to start: no interferance, no swerves, no Russoriffic bullshit, and let them wrestle longer than five minutes. Oh yeah, and no gimmicks. For some reason, however, most people are completely turned off by TNA programming. I'm thinking that this reason starts with a V and ends with ince Russo, but I wouldn't know because when I ask, all I get is "TNA suX0rZ nd WWE r0X0rZ~! TNA iz liek, 4 reejeks." What TNA should really do is focus more on guys like Christian Cage (yes, I know he's at main-event status) and LAX, seeing as Christian and Konnan are pure gold on the mic.

And now... THE LEAST IMPORTANT NEWS BIT OF THE WEEK! Nicole Bass, the bodybuilding, alleged X-and-Y-chromosome-carrying, cross-eyed…whatever she is…has filed for bankruptcy. She is now attempting to sell her Y chromosome to Lance Bass (who, hopefully, isn't related). Ah, I jest. Best of luck to Nicole and all that crap...

SO. How'd I do this week? All questions, comments, marriage proposals, insults and yadda yadda yadda can be directed to my inbox. Or, for you MySpace kids out there, you can send a message to my not-so-frequented MYSPACE~!111 That's it for this edition of Deadface Walking. I'm Catherine Perez, and your mother smells like ass chips.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).