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DEADFACE WALKING!: (06/06/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Greetings, wrestling fans, and welcome back to a column that hasn't been arrested for DUI in Florida, DEADFACE WALKING! I'm your hostess and soon-to-be Wrestlemania attendee, Catherine Perez. That's right, it's official; my partner-in-crime Katy and I are heading to Wrestlemania! I'd like to thank those of you who donated money towards my cause. Sure, I ended up scraping up 786 of the $816 on my own, but I appreciate your donations nonetheless. That being said, let's make like Mills Lane and get it on~! I apologize for that most uninspired and fucking retarded sentence. You all deserve better than that, so allow me to rewind. Let's make like Marvin Gaye and get it on~! Much better.

WWE has supposedly finally decided to back off from hiring athletes who were never wrestling fans while growing up, mostly due to the Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar situations. When God was reached for comment, he merely said, "You're welcome." WWE feels that people will grow to hate the business and leave if wrestling isn't in their blood. Glad they've finally come to this realization, but, much like CM Punk is addicted to competition, Vince and company are addicted to large, hulking hosses, and I'm finding it incredibly hard to believe that they'd seriously pass up on the chance to hire a giant, inexperienced hoss. Are they really trying to tell me that they'd look the other way if Wilt Chamberlain suddenly came back from the dead looking to start a wrestling career? Hilariously enough, it's usually these very hosses with no wrestling experience who go in and out of the company like a revolving door, so if this story's true, I commend the Dub for making this decision. Then again, they didn't mention Khali types, now did they? Hosses out~! Beanstalk-giant hosses in~! Clearly, this is a step in the right direction [/ultimate sarcasm].

That being said, Vince McMahon is on a desperate search for new African-American talent. Why not work with what he's got? Vince wants an all-American, clean-cut babyface - basically what he wanted Lashley to be. I don't think it gets any more babyfaced than Lashley, my friends. You know what? I think I'll help out here, try to take a bit of Vince's workload off his back. So he wants a talented black guy, he wants a babyface, and, seeing as he can't resist hiring nonwrestlers, he wants someone he can spend thousands of dollars struggling to train before prematurely rushing him onto the main roster. How incredibly simple; who better than...



Famed singer/songwriter/producer Babyface~! I mean, fucking duh, it's right in the name. The fact that he's 50 years old shouldn't hinder his chances of employment considering Vince likes to let a ton of old guys wrestle every now and again, including himself. Vince, you're welcome.

Speaking of people who have no business being in a wrestling ring, the contestants for Hulk Hogan's soon-to-be-failed Celebrity Championship Wrestling show have been announced via press release. Prepare to not enjoy the [lack of] technical wrestling prowess of Dustin "Screech" Diamond~! Tiffany~! Yes, singing at the mall pop star Tiffany. Todd "Willis" Bridges~! Trishelle from the Real World (who?) Boxing guy Butterbean~! He knocked Sean O'Haire out in about 28 seconds once. Erin Murphy, who played Tabitha on Bewitched~! Wasn't she like 3 then? Nikki Ziering from Playboy~! Uh, okay. Last, and probably least, FRANK STALLONE~! To his credit, his mom did used to promote women's wrestling shows, but... for fuck's sake, it's Frank Stallone. I'm pretty sure he's training to wrestle so he can finally track down and annihilate former SNL Weekend Update anchor Norm MacDonald, who used Frank as the butt of many jokes ("The most popular toy of 1996: 'Tickle Me Elmo'. And the least popular toy of 1996, you guessed it: 'Tickle Me Frank Stallone'.") Stallone just recently starred in Rocky Balboa alongside his brother Sylvester... as "Diner Patron", which is a huge step forward considering his role in the original Rocky as "Streetcorner Singer". I think I just pissed myself from laughter. Anyway, there are two more "surprise" contestants yet to be revealed, but I think "starring Frank Stallone" is all the information most of us need.

Attention saddened Undertaker fans: The Undertaker is not retired, nor did he violate WWE's Wellness Policy. Undertaker is simply taking some time off to let a few injuries heal and make sweet zombie love to Michelle McCool whenever he can. Or so other sites say. After having to wrestle Edge ad nauseam due to a lack of main event star power on Smackdown, I'd say he definitely deserves a vacation, though, I'm pretty sure he took a long vacation last year. If he doesn't come back with a tweaked gimmick, well, I'll just continue to not watch Smackdown.

In the best piece of news I've read all week, former WCW and ROH valet Shannon "Daffney" (or "Lucy Furr") is currently negotiating a contract with TNA following her $25,000 challenge match against Awesome Kong. Being a huge Daffney mark (she reminds me of Harley Quinn, my favorite Batman character), this is definitely a big slice of awesome for me, especially after being hugely disappointed by WWE's million dollar giveaway announcement. I'm sure 99.9% of us wrestling fans will never see that money anyway. Besides, I'd rather be guaranteed enjoyment from Daffney than be guaranteed a check for 2 dollars (no, seriously, WWE's giving some unlucky bastards checks for $2).

The Graziano family is in the middle of filing a lawsuit against Hulk Hogan. Hogan's lawyers are expecting it to be a $50 million lawsuit, an amount much larger than what Hogan himself is worth. Really? That's news to me! Maybe losing all their money will bring some humility back to the family. Target will gladly employ them, if worse comes to worse - and what's better than Target manager Shane Douglas barking orders at Hulk fucking Hogan? I can already see Hogan crawling over to Vince and agreeing to put over new talent. Thank God he's got those Hulkster Cheeseburgers to fall back on.

And now, a regular news bit featuring the least important person of the week. Nick Bollea continues to show that he hasn't a clue as to how jail works, and is now suing the Pinellas County sheriff's department for releasing his phone conversations. Nevermind the fact that nowhere on these conversations does he, Hulk, or Linda throw a hissy fit or even say "say what now?" when a recorded voice-over interrupts each conversation numerous times saying "This call may be recorded." Perhaps they would've understood better if the recording said "Let me tell ya somethin', Mean Gene~! This call may be recorded, BROTHER!" The lawsuit says that the department violated Nick's privacy, and they don't want any more calls to be released for public listening. What the fuck? Well, according to Hudson v. Palmer, the U.S. Supreme Court said that prisoners don't have a reasonable expectation of privacy while in a jail or prison cell, and, basically, the Fourth Amendment doesn't protect their property from search or seizure. All it took was a simple
Google search to look that information up, so I'm sure this case will get thrown the fuck out. If not... well, that sucks for avid TMZ readers, doesn't it? Either way, Nick would be best advised to shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down and accept the fact that he'll be in jail for months whether he likes it or not. He would have been FAR worse off if Hulk Hogan wasn't his dad, believe me (not that it'll mean much when the Grazianos run wild on their bank accounts). He should consider himself really lucky.



It's time once again for the segment I almost named The Unlucky Sperm Club~ ! Let's begin with John Cena and Mickie James. Both names evoke the question "Heeeey, aren't they already seeing other people?", but reports are saying they are dating (as it looks like they will be on WWE TV). Nonetheless, one has to wonder: what would their precious bundle of joy end up looking like?

...

...

...

...


E-fucking-gads! Mark my words, Jane Cena will revive and headline the Lilith Fair by 2035 with the support of her, um, "gal pal".

Thankfully, a most tasteless pairing between Katie Lea and her "brother", Paul Burchill, was tossed aside in favor of appealing to children. If these two had ever mated, what kind of demonic inbreeding might have been unleashed upon the earth?

...

...

...

...


JESUS CHRIST, THERE'S BEEN A CHEMICAL SPILL~! RUN!!!

Kane and Lita - we all thought their love was REAL. Unfortunately, Snitsky went and destroyed any chance we had to see whether Kane's scorched semen could create a normal, healthy baby. Thanks to the magic of Photoshop, we can now see an approximate composite. BEHOLD~!

...

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...

...


Sure, it wasn't your fault, but... Snitsky, I thank you with every fiber of my being for knocking Kane onto Lita.




Welcome back to Hey Man, Nice Sh---

Tommy Dreamer: I thought these shrink visits weren't supposed to be taped!

I'm not a licensed shrink, Tommy, I can do whatever I want.

Dreamer: That's not right!

Hey, you can take your ass to a real shrink, but she'll most likely charge you every penny you've earned since wrestling for not-ECW.

Dreamer: ...okay, go ahead.

Thank you. Welcome back to Hey Man, Nice Shoot! I've rented out this lovely shrink office for the week, and with me on the special sofa is ECW icon Tommy Dreamer, who's come to me today to air his grievances. Go ahead, Tommy. What's bothering you?

Dreamer: Well, I'm starting to feel a little neglected.

How so?

Dreamer: It's like no one knows me anymore! Do you know what Mike Adamle called John Morrison on Tuesday?

I don't watch EC---

Dreamer: TOMMY FUCKING MORRISON. Tommy Morrison! I'M TOMMY!!!
Robbie McAllister: I'M ROBBIE!!!

What the fuck? Robbie, get out of here!

McAllister: Heh, no way. Vince'll find me and fire me.

...right. Well, Tommy, at least he didn't call you John Dreamer.

Dreamer: I'm not done! Exactly four minutes later, he called ME Tommy Morrison! I'M TOMMY DREAAAAAMER!!!

Dude, can you really blame him? He's a fucking idiot.

Adamle: Hey, that's not nice, Capricorn!

Catherine.

Adamle: Cassandra.

Catherine.

Adamle: Caublasian.

Are you not listening to the words I'm forming?

Adamle: Not at all.
Dreamer: Oh, God, he's upsetting me!

You're upsetting my client, Adamle! Get out of here, and take Robbie with you!

Adamle: That's fine with me, Connie! Come on, Rabies, let's get out of here.
McAllister: I'M ROB-- ah, forget it.

Fantastic. Now, Tommy, what else is on your mind?

Dreamer: Colin! He won't stop calling me at home. Beulah's starting to think I'm having an affair with him, to get back at her for the whole Kimona thing. I'm not that hardcore, Catherine!

Have you tried talking to her about it?

Dreamer: Of course! And everything was fine until he left a message on our answering machine asking what "cunnilingus" is!

Jesus Christ!

Dreamer: I know! I only said I'd help him win a few matches! I never said I'd be his father figure!

Well, there is a draft coming up. Maybe one of you will be drafted to Raw. Fat chance, I know, but I'm trying to cheer you up here.

Dreamer: Ugh, it's no use.

I know. Let's move on. Is there anything else that's bothering you?

Dreamer: [Sigh.] Aside from ECW becoming a global failure?
Vince McMahon: I heard that, you little shit! YEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR FIIIIIIIIIIIIIII---

Vince, you're SO not helping right now. I'm trying to cheer Tommy up, damn it!

McMahon: Nonsense! I can cheer people up better than anyone. Why, one look at my glorious ass will make anyone feel good about themselves. [Vince drops his pants.]

OH, SWEET AND SOUR JESUS!

Dreamer: This sucks more than an entire week on the job!
McMahon: It can do tricks!

Vince, go away, you nasty bastard! GO AWAY.

McMahon: I'll give you the sum of $1 million to watch me jiggle my ass.

No. Fuck off. Tommy, I don't know if you want to hear this, but you're beyond help.

Dreamer: I am?

Yep, and you'll continue to be beyond help unless you repeat five simple words.

Dreamer: Really? Well, what are they?
McMahon: "I bow to McMahon's ass!"

No, they're---

McMahon: "Vince's ass: a modern marvel!"

Um, no, th---

McMahon: "Kiss Vince's ass, or face unemployment!"

NO! And that's six words! Go away, will you? You're making me want to go see a legit shrink. Tommy, the five words you need to get through life as a glorified jobber are these: "At least I'm not Murdoch."

McMahon: Isn't that six words too?

Suck it, Vince. Tommy, repeat those words when you're feeling like you've got a bingo hall on your shoulders, and I don't guarantee that you'll feel a million times better afterwards.

Dreamer: Um... okay. So, are we done here?

You bet. Thanks for joining me this week on Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Be sure to check back next week when I invite Big Daddy V to cook a few of his favorite foods for us! Something tells me that that show's going to run for two hours.

And that's all for this week's Deadface! Feel free to send feedback to my e-mail address or
here. Also check out TWF's main page for all of this week's fantastic updates. I'd list them, but, as I type this, I'm trying to watch TNA (DAFFNEY'S ON!!!). Just scroll up and click on "TWF main page". It's quite simple. Aaand I'm out~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).